 The Avid and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service according to actual sales records. See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you too. Find out for yourself. To the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haines. Great statesman from the Dumb Barton Oaks Conference, who said... Hey, Costello, Costello, come here a minute. Come here, will you please? What's all the excitement about? What are you so happy about? Oh, look at it. What? I just got out of my cousin Corporal Hugo Costello. He's away over in Africa, and he says all the soldiers in his company are going to have a white Christmas. Why, you dummy, it's very hot in Africa. How could the soldiers have a white Christmas? Their cook is going to bleach the beans. The end. Costello, it's about time you were thinking of Christmas. Do you realize there are only age-chopping days left? You know, I just bought... I just bought a hundred Christmas seals. A hundred Christmas seals? Sure. For goodness sakes. How are you going to feed them? I... No, no, no. Look, Costello, are you going to make much out of Christmas this year? Am I what? Are you going to make much out of Christmas this year? I can't tell until I sell the presents I get. I... Sell your presents? Oh, sure, Robert. Sure. What are you talking about? I even sold that electric bed warmer you gave me last year. That was no good. Electric bed warmer? That was an electric toaster. An electric toaster? Certainly. No wonder it kept turning me over and throwing me out of bed. Well, Costello, I hope you're getting a present from my wife Betty this year. You know, and I'll give you a little tip. Go ahead. What she really needs is a new girdle. A what? A girdle. Don't you know what a girdle is? Oh, sure, a girdle. It's one of those... Well, what is it? You got to have it when you... Yes, yes, what is it? If you don't, you're sort of... Yes, then I know. Come on. You got to... What is it? It's one of those things that keeps an unhappy situation from spreading. Yeah, yeah. Look, what about your own family, Costello? What are you going to give your kid brother, Sebastian? Oh, him? Nothing. What do you mean? I gave him something last year. He didn't like it. Then what did you give him? The measles. And did he use a rash word? Listen, this year, Abbot, you know what I'm going to do? No, I don't know. I'm going to spend all my money on that beautiful girl who lives next door to me. Ruby pool cue. Wait a minute. Ruby pool cue? She's beautiful. Why, she isn't beautiful. She is. She's got the worst complexion I ever saw. Well, she can't help that, Abbot. I mean, she got her face caught in a waffle iron. Now she has to pour her makeup on with a syrup pitcher. Look, what are you going to buy for Ruby? I'm going to buy a piano. A piano? What kind of a piano? Maple walnut or cherry? Well, I'm going to get her one of those kinds. What kind? What did you say? I said, maple walnut or cherry? Maple what? Do you realize what you just said? Well, what's wrong? Shea-mon! Shea-mon! Ten miles, our announcer. Shea-mon! All I said was, maple walnut or cherry? Can you go again? I'm... Now, what do you mean? You're the kind of wood. Do you think every time I see a piano, I... Costella, they make pianos out of different kinds of wood. My mother-in-law's piano is maple, so she has a genuine bird's eye. I know that. But Eagle beat to go with it. Now, never mind my mother-in-law. Now, you've got a lot of nerve spending your money on Ruby. A girl you hardly know. You never thought to ask me if I needed money for my Christmas shopping. Do you need money at it? Oh, well, now. Now that you brought it up. Now that I brought it up. Well, yes, you... Didn't you just ask me if I needed money? Ladies and gentlemen, you have just seen what loose caulk can do when it reaches the enemy's ears. Wait a minute. So... Look, Costella, all I need is $50. $50? Yes. Now, look, if you lend me $50, what security would you want? A padlock, a pair of handcuffs, and a watchdog. Oh, no. And put your mama in a dungeon for security. Now, look. With your father. Well, now, listen. The only security I can give you is the word of an honest man. Okay. Bring them around. I'll see what I can do for you. Now, look, Costella, you and I are pals. And to show you how much I like you, I am going to let you lend me the $50. What happened? All I got in my Christmas piggy bank is $40. Well, all right. Give me the $40, and you can owe me the $10. Okay. Here's a $40. Okay. Now I owe you $10. That's right. Just a minute. Wait. How much did I ask you for? You asked me for $50. And how much did you give me? I gave you all I had. $40. So you owe me $10. Well, that's right. Well, I owe you. You're kicking. I mean, that's all right. All right. You owe me $40. Costella, I don't like the way you're hedging on me. And I don't like the way you're clipping my head. I don't want to do business with a man like you. Here's your $40. That's more like it. Now, give me the $10 you owe me. Okay. Here's a $10. All right. I'm paying you on account. On account. On account. I don't know how come I owe it to you. Believe me, this is the last time I'll ever ask you for the loan of $50. Costella, look. Never mind. How can I lend you $50 now? I only had $40 to start with. Now I only got $30. Well, okay. It'll make you happy. I'll do you a favor. Give me the $30, and you can owe me $20. This is getting worse all the time. Now, wait a minute. Now what's the matter? First I owed you $10, now I owe you $20. What kind of racket is that? Well, why do you let yourself run into debt? I didn't run into it. You pushed. You ever hit a story of the $40? Well, yes. What became of the other $39? That's not good. That's not good. I do it again. I'm surprised. I had lived that. That's not good. That's not good. That's not good. That's not good. That's not good. I'm surprised. Please. Why, I'm just like Santa Claus. You're better than Santa Claus. You bet I am. It's never very easy to get serious after an hilarious to-do with Bud and Lou. But your choice of a cigarette is so important to your throat and your taste that I want to take this moment to urge you to try camels on your T-zone. That's T for throat and T for taste. See how your throat reacts to camel's cool mildness. See how your taste enjoys the rich, full flavor of camel's magnificent blend of costlier tobaccos. You may find that your throat and your taste, your T-zone, proclaim camel your own personal cigarette. C-A-M-T-L-S. Camels, the cigarette of costlier tobaccos. Lovely Connie Haynes with the Christmas Shoppers Special. So grab your bundles, everybody, and let's all make a ride on the truck. With my high starch collar and my high top shoes and my hip, I'll hop on my head. I went to lose a jolly, I'll hop on the trolley and... Safety zone. Don't you know why those safety zones are here? Sure. If you get hit inside the white lines, it don't... Be quiet, please. Here's the trolley now. Hold on. Let's speak up. Never mind. Go on. Shove your way in. Squeeze in here. Okay, babe. Let's wait till we get off. You got your one line. Get your dough and get on. Drop your fare in a box. Here's the fare conductor and give us two transfers. You won't need transfers. No? Then how are we going to ride our next car without a transfer? Just tell the next conductor that all will send you. Nice office trolley. Come on, Castello. Let's stuff back in the car and find a seat. Look out for that man with an umbrella. Oh, my goodness. What happened? Somebody just took my seat. Bring me on these crowded street cars. Have it. My uncle, Artie Stebbins, got his eye hurt in this crowded street car. Got his eye hurt? Yep. He had his eye on a seat and a fat lady came along and sat on it. That answers here. Here, the car is stopping. Here. I'm off. We're far enough downtown anyway. Okay. Come on, get off. Get off. Get off. Okay. Don't push. Don't push. Don't push. I'm not pushing. Get off. Hey, Abbott, look, there's a pet shop. I think I'll go in and get my mother a squirrel for Christmas. She needs a squirrel to help her do housework. Oh, how could a squirrel help her with the housework? Well, she can tie his tail up and let him run between the Venetian blinds. Don't be silly. Let's go in here to Bingel's department store. Hey, Abbott. Abbott. What? Look who's standing there with a carnation in his buttonhole. Hey, it's your kid's brother, Sebastian. Come here, Sebastian. What are you doing in Bingel's department store? I'm a handyman, Uncle Bob and... How can you be a floor walker? You're too little. Well... Well, your kid brother has no business in this store. He should be in school. Are you gonna go to Subracket? School is a racket? Yeah. That's what my teacher said. A fight? Yeah, this teacher said, Sebastian. What did you say? I said, you don't think I'm standing here to track him to you? Now, look. Sebastian... See that? Listen, Sebastian, now, if you don't go back to school, I'm not going to give you this beautiful animal picture book for Christmas. Oh, but... Let me see the animals... Isn't it pretty? What's the name of this animal over here, Uncle Bob? Oh, you should know the name of that animal, Sebastian. Just look at that graceful body. The slim legs and the long antelism. I don't seem to recognize it. Oh, come, Sebastian, you know this animal's name? Here, I'll make it easy for you. What does your mother call your father? Don't tell me that's a louse. I love you. Ketso, don't tell me you're the manager of Bingel's department store. Yeah, the dry goods department. How about sundries? Sundries is my day off. I got some delicious pajamas for only $30. $30 for pajamas? Yeah. Look, Ketso, here's $15. Just give me the top half. I'll send it to my uncle Mike Burrell and Patterson. Oh, Custelly, you can't send just the tops of the pajamas. Oh, sure I can. I'll put a card in it that says, Merry Christmas from the waist up. Look, Custelly, you've only got $40. And remember, you wanted to buy an easy chair for your father. Well, looking at, that's a genuine mohair. The seat is covered with mohair. The back is covered with mohair. And it's got a footstool also covered with mohair. And? I'll bet mohair hasn't got a hair left in his head. Look, Custelly, how about that piano you wanted to buy for your girlfriend Ruby? Oh, I'm the head fish in the piano department. The head fish? Yeah, I'm a piano tuner. You're on a slightly used player piano with three dozen piano rolls. Oh, I bought a bunch of those music rolls last week. And I'd papered my bedroom walls with them. And boy, were they noisy. Noisy? Yeah, every time I sneezed, the walls played. Pages, cartoons in the magazines, photographs in the picture publications. All saying the same thing, cigarette shortage. Well, no need to tell you how many cigarettes are going overseas and how much more the people on the home front are smoking these days. And so it's inescapable that sometimes your dealer has to say no camels today. But remember this, paste it in your hat and write it in your notebook. Camels rich, full flavor and cool mildness make them worth asking for the very next time you buy cigarettes. War or peace, camel is still camel. C-A-M-E-L-S. Camels, the cigarette of costlier tobaccos. David and Gaston were shopping for an old-fashioned Christmas. Freddie Rich plays an old-fashioned song, whispering. I miss pool cue a diamond ring. I can't, I can't. I bought her a beautiful diamond ring last year. It was a beautiful 12-carat stone. What a sparkler. It scares me every time she wears it. Are you afraid she'll lose it? No, but if she ever drops it, she'll have seven years' bad luck. Look, don't be silly, Castello. Say, have you noticed how bright and happy and cheerful all the shoppers are? They should be. Have you noticed all that? Well, look at that gait. They're all full of the spirit of mule tide. Yeah, the mule tide is all... Mule tide. Mule tide. Mule tide. Mule tide. You mean mule tide. How tide what? No, no, no. But speaking of mules, hey, here's the shoe department. Now, that gives me a very, very bright idea. Why don't you buy your girlfriend a pair of mules? A pair of what? What do you say to a pair of mules? I say, whoa. Get out of here. If he's stubborn, I wouldn't. Castello, look, I'm talking about a pair... I get a jockey like Bailey. I put them on and wouldn't good. All right, look at him. When you listen to me, please, I'm talking about a pair of bedroom mules. All kinds of mules in her bedroom. Red mules, green mules. She even has a pair of checkered mules. Abbott, did you see all these different colored mules with your own eyes? Well, certainly I... Why not? I see them every night. In fact, I saw them this morning. All the colored mules? Every one of them. Let me smell you a breath. There you are. Oh, behave. Look, you dummy. Doesn't your mother have mules in her bedroom? No, my father's very particular. When your mother gets up in the morning, what does she put on her feet? Corn plasters. Oh, no, no. She must have some kind of mules. Look, there are two kinds of mules. Silk and felt. Felt? Yes, yes. Yes. Hasn't your mother felt mules? No, sir. She never touches any kind of animal. Oh, come, come. Especially when she's cooking. No, no, look, look. Look, forget about the animal, please. Look, every woman likes mules. My wife uses a pair of mules to go around the house in. What's the matter? Is she too lazy to walk? No, no. Look, when she gets up in the morning, she always slips on her mules. It's her own fault. Why don't she keep them out in the backyard? My wife eats her mules to keep her feet warm. You mean you all sleep in the same bed? Sleep in the same bed? My wife keeps her mules under the bed. Let's get the whole thing. Here I am trying to help you with your Christmas shopping. And what do I get? A lot of idiotic talk. Cosmetics, rouge, powder, lipstick, face cream, and cleansing tissue. Cleansing what? Tissue. Well, it seems kind of tilly. But if you want to piss me, go ahead. Hello, this lady is trying to help you. Drop it down her neck. Some women, look, some women wear buns in their hair. Does Miss Poolke wear her hair off? Don't you know what slander is? Sure. With the Vashburna, North Carolina, awarded the Silver Star for his gallantry in action in Italy. In one mission, he is credited with killing 25 Nazis, wounding five more, and scattering the rest in confusion. In your honor, Sergeant Lamberth, the makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 camel cigarettes. There's a yank of the week by sending free 400,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the camel caravans traveling from camp to camp have thanked audiences of more than 4 million yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. A rebroadcast to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Duranty and Gary Moore, Monday to Bob Hawke in Thanks to the Yanks, and next Thursday to Abbot and Costello. And now, here are Bud and Lou with the final word. Well, Costello, you bought presents for everybody. I hope you're very, very happy. Abbot, I could be a lot happier. Oh, if I was only a nurse. A nurse. That's right. What would you do if you were a nurse? You know, Abbot, I read in a paper today that there's an urgent need for more army nurses. Oh, yes, yes, I know about that. And you know, Lou, that any nurse who enters the Army Nurse Corps now will enter with the rank of second lieutenant and there is ample opportunity for advancement. You know, I hope that all the nurses that are listening in tonight will join the Army Nurse Corps and give their country the best Christmas present of all. Yes, girls, write immediately to the Surgeon General, United States Army, Washington, D.C., or call at your nearest Red Cross Chapter. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. And I hope Commander Hawke feels much better. Good night to everybody in Tennessee. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbot and Costello show. And remember, try camels on your throat and your taste. See for yourself how camel's mildness, coolness and flavor click with you. Christmas gift that will bring the man who gets it a lot of pleasure long after Christmas is over. A generous pound or half pound package of Prince Albert's smoking tobacco with the bright holiday band. Every time he packs and lights his favorite pipe with this favorite tobacco, he will think of your thoughtfulness. His taste will thank you for the full, rich, yet mild flavor. His tongue will thank you for Prince Albert's gentleness due to the no-bite treatment. Another thing men like about Prince Albert is the crimp cut, which guarantees perfect packing, smooth drawing and even burning right down to the last puff. You really make a pipe smoker's Christmas merry when you give him Prince Albert tobacco. Camel cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant good night.