 Today will be a chatty get ready with me. I'm going to be opening up about my mental health, about my physical health, and about many of the things in my life that you probably didn't know about me. I hope that you do like it. Let's get into the video right now. Hi friends. I want to thank you very much for tuning in today. This is a little bit different video than you ever see for me. I'm going to be doing a get ready with me with a lot of the products that I just received from the Sephora Spring Sale event. I won't be talking about product very much. I will still put the ticker across the screen right down here. You will get to see the number of what I'm using. Jot down that number and then go over or go into the description box below and the number of the product will be there and you don't have to write out the whole entire product and what it is. So the number will be there. You can go down and you'll see my color, what I'm using, and exactly what it is. And then there'll be a link where you can follow to shop if you want to do that. And I do say thank you every time to you if you do shop my links because it does support my channel. And I do appreciate that so much more than you know. This is a very hard topic to open up about mental health and health in general. You know, our physical health in general is hard to open up about. But I wanted to do it because I know that I have gained a lot of followers recently and a lot of you don't know my backstory. One of the things is I know that you always notice my hand tremors. Many of you notice how bad my handshake. I'm not moving my hands on my own right now. That is just what they do. I will talk about that and what I know about that. Sometimes it's a little bit better on days but I know that when I do a tutorial sometimes it can be a little bit distracting and we go over that kind of in depth in this video as well. My shirt, my earrings, this little cami that I'm wearing under my shirt to give a little bit of modesty here because this is really low. This shirt I will make sure that I link for you. Throw up a picture right here so you can see that. So the shirt and the earrings I will be for sure linking for you and I can link the nail polish as well. I also want to beg of you to please be kind in the comments because this is a hard subject for most people. I'm opening up about it because I think that we need to throw away the stigma of mental health issues. It doesn't need to be a sensitive topic but I also want to tell you that if you have mental health issues please consult a doctor, a professional. This might be a trigger for some of you. If you have anxiety please know that this video, I'm very open in this video. So if you do have those kinds of things that trigger you as you hear about them you might want to skip this video and I would totally understand. And we're going to just get ready together and talk a little bit about life. So I hope you enjoy it. Please give it a thumbs up if you do and let's get into it. Okay so the new Natasha Genona pastel palette. I did have to pick that up when I saw it in person. I kind of fell in love with the colors. So I'm going to be working with that a little bit today. In order to kind of get a more soft neutral-ish look I have to pick up a different palette to do that. So we're going to go into the Lust for Dusk one from ColourPop as well. So let's start out with the Natasha palette and I'm going to start out with this kind of a peach color right here. Okay so let me just give you a little bit of my history and a little bit of my background and yeah bear with me because when I tell stories I have a tendency to kind of go all over the place and I don't want to do that but sometimes I do. So okay when I was 18 I married a man that was 21 and he was not married material by any means and I didn't know it but he had a lot of mental health issues himself and I really had to adjust to living with someone that just was a bit crazy for lack of a better word. He just wasn't normal as far as the way that people process things or the way that they cope with things and I do realize when you're putting two people together it's hard to especially when they're young they don't think alike they've been raised differently but this was on just basic things that made just like basic sense. He was very highly intelligent but he didn't really have a lot of everyday common sense. I waited about five years to have my first kid. I had three kids um two boys and a girl and as the years went by he turned to alcohol and drinking and he became extremely abusive and um it just ended up being just a huge mess and I was married to him for 25 years. Well uh at a certain point he decides that he doesn't want that anymore. He didn't really tell us that he didn't want it anymore. He basically said I'm leaving um and you can come or not is what he told us. I had three kids in school I had my elderly parents his mother was there in nursing home and there was also the fact that we had a house where we were and I did not want to uproot my kids if I didn't have to and it just was always you know uh it was just always a problem there was just always something that was majorly going on and so I just basically put my foot down and said I'm not uprooting my kids I'm not going um he had traipsed me all over the country for lord knows how long um our whole 25 years we had moved around a ton except for that last few years well I just said you know I'm not going anywhere till the kids are um old enough and I'm not um gonna leave our parents our elderly parents his mother included and so he just left and we never heard from him again and that was oh 12 years ago now and um I was just left with these kids because he was of the mindset when we got married that he did not want his wife to work outside the home that was one of his things he never ever wanted his wife to um do anything but raise the kids and be a homemaker which I was glad to do that was my dream as a kid to be a homemaker I'm gonna go in with some of this lavender this is a satin I'm just gonna put this all over my lid while I was living with him I developed my tremors um I can go back as far as probably almost 30 years now that I have had the tremors but as things got worse with him and my nerves were on edge 24 seven it just became this really really always flight or fight type thing and it just was so hard for me to deal with him and deal with the kids and he never helped with the kids at all he never did anything with them he was very abusive to them um let me just tell you one thing that happened and you'll kind of get an understanding of what I'm saying um we got into an argument one day and my daughter was standing here and um she was tiny about six or seven and she had a little playmate over and we got into an argument we were renovating a bedroom for my other son and um as I'm talking to him and as we're yelling back and forth with each other which obviously we shouldn't have been doing in front of the kids but we did um he took a hammer and he threw the hammer and it went right past my head and it chocked it got into the wall it it hooked into the wall so that right there should have been my okay it's time for you to get out no more this garbage but I didn't I stayed and stupid yes I know stupid but at the same time you know again I didn't want a divorce I knew that you know people weren't supposed to divorce that it messes kids up I had had my sisters go through many divorces and my brother and it was just really you know it wasn't something that I really wanted to do although there was so many times when I wanted to leave him I can't even I can't even begin to tell you how many times I wanted to leave that man but long story short I did not leave him so when he finally left and he finally abandoned us there was no more support for us um my oldest son when he left he was 20 and he had a pretty good job but he had to quit that job and he had to go find a higher paying job my other son was 18 he was still in school but we got him through school quickly and he went and found a job and I went and found a job so I had three people in my house working for minimum wage and that's the only way we made it well in the interim of all of that we lost our house we lost our cars we lost um I had to sell off everything we owned furniture clothing and just get down to bare necessities in order to survive because not only did um I have all of that to deal with but all three of my kids are type one diabetics and so I had to find a way to continue with their treatment and not stop their treatment and yet still be that mom so I just kind of shut down at one point and that is when I had my first nervous breakdown by the way I would always shake all the way through this so I always had a little bit of a tremor in my hands and so everybody knew that we all dealt with it we all coped with it mom shakes da-da-da but when that happened when my first nervous breakdown happened it was a total nervous breakdown so I lost all my bodily functions which I know this this can be a trigger for some of you if you um have nerves it can be hard for you to hear so I hope I'm not triggering anybody but leaving me destitute with these three kids was so much more than I could handle and the other thing was when I went to file for a divorce because of abandonment he fought me and he wanted custody of my youngest daughter who wasn't of age yet and there was no way because I mean I'm not gonna let my daughter go to somebody who is a madman that drinks constantly and he had a temper he had a major temper let me tell you I'm using the new HD skin from makeup forever for my foundation today after he left after I got a divorce I met my husband now Bill but in the interim of that he fought me so bad that it was three years before I could get a divorce from him um and that wasn't because of custody because the judge knew obviously that he wasn't anywhere in state and the judge wasn't going to give him custody at all so while all that was happening I ended up having another nervous breakdown in there and that's the one that left me with my tremors I mean I had the worst tremors though you know the real shakes the panic attacks the um phobia of leaving your house and and being afraid all the time and all of that stuff that goes along with having panic disorder and so then I was diagnosed with PTSD from having so much um really abused there's a lot more I could tell you but there's no reason to go into all of that I trembled so bad and it wasn't just in my hands then it was in my legs and my body and I would feel like a wave of tremors go through me before everything would start and get triggered and then go into a full blown panic attack but the biggest thing is that it just left me um completely a different person and at that point you know the people that you love they don't understand it um there was a lot of people that would come to me oh I love this foundation it's so pretty there's a lot of people that would come to me and they would say you know I hate to see you like this and um what are we gonna do because all I would do is just lay in my bed and you know they would come over and over again and say I hate to see you like this I can't stand it and I finally just said don't come anymore you know if you can't stand to see me like this this is who I am this is what I'm dealing with then you know don't come because it's hard for me to have to try and pretend when people are around because I just don't feel well and I don't feel right well after that second breakdown um and then you know all of the stuff went down where he was refusing to give any financial support to his kids or to me you know I was due alimony through the divorce and everything but he just didn't pay it and so um even though I had the state garnishing that took forever because he jumped from job to job on purpose um couldn't hold down a job and so finally at one point um I just went and got a job as a loan officer in a credit union and I loved that job I mean I seriously even to this day if I could go back and do anything it would be that because such a such a good thing for me to get involved with people again and get to know people again and really um just I don't I don't even know how to explain it just be out with regular people that really um you know were normal and for me to know that I was normal and I wasn't just um you know things weren't just getting made up in my mind about all of that so that was huge um best thing I ever did in my whole life was get that job and become self-sufficient and um really just just loved it just loved every minute of being my own woman and that was the beginning of my journey of becoming someone different than who I was when I was married to him and learning a lot about PTSD and panic attacks and knowing what I could and couldn't cope with and um so there was a lot of changes I met Bill um Bill and I moved out of state because we didn't want to be around anything to do with him we needed both of us he was he was out of a divorce for a couple of years himself and both of us really needed to just move on and be done with all of that so I just did my brows a little bit off of camera they're one of the hardest things I have with my termers to do that eyeliner and mascara whoa that's really hard to do those and then after I was married I started to gain weight and I gained weight like I'd never gained before Bill's a big foodie he loves food I love food and we kind of self-soothed with that it was kind of our entertainment and our you know our solace and all of that kind of stuff we just started to eat and eat and eat and I love to cook anyway so he loved my cooking and we just went down the rabbit hole together and anyway so um Bill didn't gain like I did he gained some but then he lost it and oh I don't know I guess it was about two years after we were married I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia and trigeminal neuralgia now all of you know what fibromyalgia is that one didn't really surprise me but when I got trigeminal neuralgia there's so much to that it's basically this nerve that sits right here and it fingers through your face right here as it branches through your face right here so the pain that you feel can be in your ear it can go down your jaw it can go up your cheekbone over your head and it it's debilitating it's very very hard and it's extremely um scary because there's so much pain involved in it and so I just became bedbound I had another nervous breakdown in there somewhere so that had been my third nervous breakdown um I was I developed a gorophobia where I didn't want to go out social anxiety disorder where if I did go out I felt like the walls were caving in on me and I did not know these people and I didn't want to do this I wanted to be gone and so there was so much that happened at that time and it was so scary because um and I'm sure it was scary for Bill and for my kids and it was just a really really hard time for all of us the hardest part for all of that though was the mental health part because I developed such severe panic disorder that there was just no way that I was going to be able to function literally from the time I got up in the morning until I went to bed I was bedbound and I yeah I that's when I put on my 130 pounds 135 pounds and I just I was sick and it was just absolutely crippling and so each day I would try my hardest to do the things that I used to do but I couldn't there was just no way to get to that point anymore so uh Bill was an angel um he saved me so many times and my kids oh my goodness my poor kids my daughter was so young at the time and oh I just was not a good mom for her at the time and I couldn't be anything to anybody then and it just it was so hard it was just a really hard impossible situation to try and continue to deal with back in September of 2020 when we were in the COVID lockdown I apparently got COVID and didn't know that well I developed POTS which is postural or the static tachycardi syndrome which is where the sympathetic nervous system with the autonomic nervous system is not talking to each other and so the blood that goes down and pulls down in your legs and your heart normally pumps it your brain normally tells your heart to pump it up when you stand up it was still pulling in the legs I was passing out I had all these problems from that so I do have POTS but one of the things that really was scary about having POTS is now my tremors are so much worse and so since September of 2022 they have been constantly getting a little bit worse and if you'll notice that I do have a lot of breaks in my videos as I'm talking that's because sometimes my thoughts get frozen and that's from COVID as well so COVID is the gift that keeps on giving I know that so many of you have had it a lot of you have dealt with the horrible things that it has done to everybody and I just I feel for everybody that has had this I feel like we barely know what's going to happen with COVID I feel like we barely know the long-term effects that COVID is going to bring and it's going to be more and more scary as time goes on but you know we all cope with what we have to and we'll all get through it together I'm sure I digress let's go back to around when I started my channel which was 2016 and that was really out of necessity for finding something that I could do at home Bill wanted me to do something at home where I could feel like I had something to do because you know obviously when you're in a major state of depression you feel very hopeless you feel very useless you don't want to do anything you definitely don't want anybody around you just want to be left alone um and kind of wallowing your own self thoughts I really just lost everything then I lost myself worth I lost everything I was so if you go back and you look at some of my videos around that time you're gonna see how big I was um I did not take care of myself I tried to but I really had a hard time taking care of myself because I was so depressed and honestly um my family they were trying to do their very best but they were enabling me to be you know more like that because they felt so bad for me and so and I get it when you see somebody sick you want to take care of them and they were no exception they wanted to take care of me this is a beautiful blush holy moly that's a pretty blush anyways time went on I finally figured out you know the only person that I am going to be able to rely on is myself although built is an amazing support my children are an amazing support I still needed to be doing for myself not just expecting everybody to be doing for me so would you see me do something like this where I'm doing precision work and you can see how bad my hands shake as I'm doing that that's what I've been left with not only from my three nervous breakdowns but from COVID plus my family has a history of familial tremors which is where that originally comes from right now it's starting to go towards my feet as well and kind of a little bit in my shoulders in my neck I'm crossing my fingers that they don't think that this is Parkinson's some of the brain fog and everything but they really do think that it's very much related to COVID I'm going to bust out this palette that I got a while ago and just use Hula in here from Benefit I need a little bit of bronzing and I don't want to go over there where all my other bronzers are so Hula bronzer is a nice one if you just need a little bit of extra you know a little bit of extra life to your face but you don't want to go too crazy oh have you guys seen these these are so pretty look at this it's from Hooda Beauty and it's got a little reflect in it so pretty let me grab a little tiny brush here I'm just gonna this is a brush from Sephora that I just got and that look at I don't know if that's gonna work or not I'm just gonna tap this a tiny bit on the top of my cheeks just a little bit just to see how it glows so pretty really pretty little bit too glowy I'm getting too glowy here I'm gonna have to powder this down just a little bit also in 2019 I decided to have gastric bypass surgery and I will link my playlist about that but I went down to Mexico and I had that done yes I everybody will probably freak out when they heard it had it done in Mexico but I couldn't afford to have it done in the States because I had insurance that would not pay for it we had checked into that so basically we were stuck trying to figure out what we were going to do and I had a bunch of friends that had done it had done it down there and it had turned out so good for them and thankfully it turned out really good for me I'll link a video where I kind of had a weird story when I was on the plane about that but I have a lot of stories about my weight loss journey and I ended up losing 130 pounds so I'm about five I'm between five and 20 pounds away from where I really like to be but I'm good with that I don't mind that even a little bit it's so much better than what I was dealing with before and immediately the pain goes away and well not all the pain from fiber miles but a lot of the pain goes away and then what else happens is you know your self-esteem comes back and you can start doing things and I think that's really when everybody started to notice a change in my channel things were just a lot better for me I was a lot happier let's fast forward to what just happened just very recently okay my oldest son does still live with us um he's been a huge help to us but he also has some mental health issues himself and so we help him he helps us um but he ended up getting disabled with some other health issues and then he ended up needing a surgery so he knew he needed that surgery all last year 2021 but um wasn't able to get it wasn't able to be qualified for it well it ended up that my dad got really sick at the end of 2021 dad got put on hospice probably oh goodness he probably got put on hospice around december 15th somewhere in that area and then um after that on december 16th bill fell at work and he tore his quadricep tendon and muscle completely away from the bone and so yeah he had to have major surgery on that and two days later my dad died and so um that was just like all of this stuff coming in on me and a week after that um i got covid and gave covid to everybody in the house so mitch had covid bill had covid mitch is a type one diabetic and bill is a type two diabetic so freaking out about that plus my heart condition with pots and i'm here to tell you mine was the amicron variant that most of us got around that time but that is wicked stuff covid is nothing to mess with the first time around it gave me my heart condition the second time around now i am so tired all the time that i can barely manage it's so hard to put one foot in front of the other and just keep going and knowing that you know i still have to function i still have to do everything every day but it's just really really hard so after covid this time my shakes got worse so now i'm like okay i'm i'm so over it i'm so done i don't know what to do to deal with this so i come on here and i talk to you and i try so hard to keep that separate but it's hard not to talk about how you feel and i know that a lot of you are like you look so good you know you're doing so good and everything and i am overjoyed that i have this outlet to do this because if i wasn't taking care of myself every day if i wasn't getting up putting on makeup trying new makeup for you guys doing my hair changing my clothes out of my night clothes i probably wouldn't be functioning because when i'm done filming i go to my bed on days when i am not doing filming and sitting in this chair i'm in my bed i live in my bed because of the aches and the pains that i have from fibromyalgia my trigeminal neuralgia is out of control the loss of my dad that's why i wasn't going to cry in this the loss of my dad it happened so fast and it happened so dramatically um dad didn't have an easy death what he went through was horrific you know a lot of people their dads just die in their sleep or they have cancer and they know that they're going to die and but when we put dad on hospice they kept telling us that he that this wasn't the end for him that he had months and months and it was 10 days or two weeks after we did that that he was gone so it was really traumatic and it was really quick and sorry i didn't want to i didn't want to do this um i miss my dad every day my dad was a tough man he was a cowboy raised as a cowboy raised on a ranch slept every night in a bunkhouse and he was hard on us as kids but he loved us and we knew that dang it so losing dad's been really hard and then getting coven getting sicker has been really hard but we continue on don't we even after we lose our parents or after someone that we love dies this one is really hard i've got to hold still and then about two weeks ago maybe three weeks ago mitch had his surgery which fingers crossed it's a success but he is on crutches mitch is my son by the way he's on crutches and basically he can't do anything for himself right now so that has been tough as well but you know i'm not the kind of person that likes to dwell on that i do get sad sometimes really sad um i do have depression i know that because of you know just not wanting to do things but youtube keeps me alive and i'll tell you what the reason that i answer all of you um when you comment is because number one i feel like if you take the time to comment to me um that's special and important to me and so i appreciate that and this video is going to be a tough one for me to answer all the comments but i'll heart them which means that i've read every single one but just know that being here on youtube and being doing this has saved my life it truly has i love this i love my passion for makeup goes back to when i was a young young girl um i started wearing makeup when i was 14 and i've never looked back um the passion that i have now um started in when i learned about youtube about eight years ago and there was um people on there like andy hot and flashy and tati and um cathleen lights and a few of those um og ones that have been on here forever i just went to bill one day and i said i think i can do this and he went out and bought me a camera like within days and the camera sat in the corner of my room for over uh two months and then i finally broke it up open and and you know tried it and i hated how i looked on camera it just made me insane how i looked on camera and how i how i talked it was just so foreign to me to see myself like that because when you hear your own voice it's so much different than what you hear in your head obviously but wow um yeah so i finally bit the bullet and i finally started to record and when you first see me you will almost always see me looking this way so i'll be looking over here that's where my viewfinder is and it wasn't until a couple years into my youtube channel i learned i need to be talking to the people not to myself and making sure that i look okay as i'm talking so yeah there's a lot of learning that goes into having a youtube channel and a lot of things that you change along the way um but it's been such a rewarding journey and really have been enjoying living this life that i get to live now i'm using a pencil to do my lip lining and i can't talk while i do this also using this rare beauty balm i think it's so pretty almost like a matte balm but it's very hydrating gives a lot of great color and then this is a gloss gloss from Sephora collection this is so pretty okay i went fluff that hair up now i'm gonna try to attempt to put these earrings on and one of the things that i've been thinking about doing for a long time and kind of mulling it over is on days that i'm not standing i'm not sitting in front of the camera i do my makeup i do my skincare my hair all in my bed is that a video that you would like to see maybe how i do certain things where i just do it when i'm laying on my bed because i feel like i can't get up or the pain is too much or i'm too dizzy to get up and i might pass out that kind of thing is that something that you're interested in because really i very rarely sit up like this and do my makeup but speaking about my physical health and my mental health really is kind of therapeutic for me and i feel like we need to erase the stigma attached to mental health we have to if we don't we're going to have more and more people suffering and we can get through this there are avenues there are things that they that can be done there are so many people that are willing to help and volunteers and doctors and and different medications and once again i want to say that if you are coping with any of the things that i've that i have gone over today that you consult with a medical professional a healthcare professional because you really sometimes you just can't do it on in your own i know that i couldn't as far as my weight goes i am three years in let's see it'll be june will be my third year anniversary of having my surgery and i haven't put any weight on and that is amazing for me that makes me feel fantastic fantastic it helps my body not hurt so much i do still deal with a lot of problems but that is one less thing than i have to cope with and it really was one of the best decisions that i've ever made in my life and like i said i'll link that playlist down below i think that that's everything thank you for letting me chew your ear off today you get to know a little bit more about me and who i am and what i go through and just know that you guys seriously when you comment i know that so many youtubers say i love you guys you mean so much to me when i got sick and um had to deal with all this you know not just physical health but my mental health i lost all my friends and they couldn't understand it and so you lose them one by one the people go away even your family they have to go on with their lives and you're you're stuck so while they're going on with their lives you're stuck here well for me you all have become such good friends to me and i know that we chat back and forth and different things and it's you know lots of times it's just a couple of words but for me um to be able to talk to people that aren't in my brain talking to me um that definitely is a huge thing for me and i just want to tell you that i don't say i love you guys lightly and i don't say you guys i love you guys just like oh love you you know that's not what i mean i mean really i treasure you guys and i treasure the time that you come and you spend with me and you support me and the fact that i can make a living um doing this is a dream come true because i don't know how i would do it outside and working in the workplace so i thank you so much for everything that you do for me every time you tune in so that's it for today and i hope that you come back very soon we'll have more makeup and fashion and beauty and we'll talk about that instead of talking about things that are kind of heavy but thank you very much for listening to me for this long and i will see you again in my very next video goodbye my friends