 The famous presents the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. We need to come and invite you to join us again on the campus of Ivy College as the guests of our sponsors, the brewers of Schlitzbeer. The taste of Schlitz. The taste so many people prefer has made Schlitzbeer first in sales in the USA. Good beer, still as many as the people are doing all over the nation. As for Schlitz, the most popular beer in history, making his wife for a drive in the country demands some kind of justification. He tries to expiate his sense of guilt with a little help from Walt Whitby. And light-hearted I take to the open road. Healthy, free, except for gasoline with 28 cents a gallon. The word before me, the long brown past before me. The fact that I see his grey love, grey with a white stripe. Thank you, darling, the long grey with a white stripe past before me. Leading wherever I choose. Done within door complaints, libraries, clueless criticism. Well, you skipped a couple of lines, didn't you? The ones about the henceforth I ask not good fortune. I, myself, am good fortune. Oh, yes, my wife, it came. My darling, you are stylish and delightful. Is Walt Whitman one of your favorites? Well, he is now, but I must say I met him accidentally. How does one meet poets accidentally? Well, I used to know Paul Whitman quite well. I liked him very much. I saw a book in the library that said Whitman on the back of it. And I thought it was his autobiography, only when I got it home it wasn't Whitman, it was Writman. I read it anyway. You've got a middle-of-the-road fellow ahead of us, haven't we? Yes, yes. One of those drivers who thinks that holding the crown of the road makes him king of the eye-wag. Genius Roadhog. Pockers, Macadamus. Hard of hearing, soft of brain, and the shorter of physical violence difficult to persuade. And that one he wobbled a bit. Conditioned reflex. Means nothing. Oh, well, I see no point in making an issue of it. Considering that we have no commitment to get any particular place at this particular time. Well, you'd always tell Christmas shopping? Mm-hmm. Talk, local, what about that road to the right? It's quite attractive. Shall we take it? No, how can we lose except friend-focus? You know, I'll bet there wouldn't be half as many accidents if a lot of drivers had better manners. Well, you want to buy Emily Poston's motorcycle and let her patrol the road. Splendid idea. It's strange how low-test stability can be accelerated with high-test gasoline. Power put on the throttle, seems to sparkle, pleasant to instinct. I think I'll do a monograph on the subject, entitled The Internal Combustion Engine. How it takes the gentility out of the gent, and the gallantry out of the gal. The strong captor on women's drivers, I suppose. No, no, not necessarily. I have two leading exhibits in my own gallery. I classify them as the stoplight soloists and the intersection dramatists. Oh, yes, I know. The stoplight soloist is the one who starts haunting at you from behind, right after the light changes. Yes. That type is usually a man. But the intersection dramatist is... The intersection dramatist is usually a woman. It is the kind who makes a great, purple attention of a left-hander. She signals tentatively, as if at all, to set her teeth in an animal's mouth, makes a wide swing to the right, and then... and then... Close to matter. So is she going to claim we're out of gas, cat and over? I don't know, you college boys. Dear girl, though such a primitive amateury rules would not have occurred to me, I'm about such a sophomoric stratageant, my romantic approach would be in a more cerebral, plain, flowers, concerts, perfume, compliments, a steady but fossil wearing down of opposition. You would only offer this to me, darling, if you'd put in your eyes. At least you gave me the illusion of being masterful, for which I'm grateful. Now, let me start. Lights seem to be as bright as usual. Starts are full of energy. Yep. Obviously some mechanical failure. Well, anything mechanical will be unwinding a clock or turning a door, and I'll be quite apt to be out of my promise. Where as I've grown, I should make a modest effort to look at the cover, and have we a flashlight, my sweet? Yes, it's sure in the judge compartment, I think. Now, let me see this mess, and God's season, all the best flowers I've been looking for, and how I earn to this marble get in here. Oh, yes, I know any flashlight. No, no, yes. But I find all broken sunglasses, and it is... Oh, it's half a bar in shock, if you'd like. The first time I've ever tasted tin for a wreck in shock. Yes, yes, this is the flashlight, Vicky. Yeah, and oh, Charlie, look what I found. The invitation to the opening has gone with the wind. Oh, yes, yes, yes. This is the flashlight. Works too, surprise. So, I shall now attempt a graceful, um, or graceful, bit of mechanical medicine. Ah, Vicky, what a lovely night. Come on, come out and sit on the running board. And this car doesn't have any running boards, you trickster. I'll lean against the fender and criticize. But go ahead, open the lid, and take a look. It's probably just a loose cue. I, um... I think it was Carl Isle who said, man is a tool-using animal. Nowhere do you find him without tools. Without tools, he is nothing. With tools, he is all. All? No, all. Carl Isle, it is obvious, he didn't realize my infelicity with a screwdriver. Yeah, what's happening is coming up the road, Charlie, and I don't think it's Carl Isle. Well, I'd settle for Mr. Kettering of General Merchant. Well, that was just a minor pleasantry to show that my spirit's in love with cookies. Well, I... You got trouble? Hey, yes, I got it, babe. I thought I recognized the car, and you asked me a lot, man. Yeah, you should have sung a ride with that cat who books your cabins. But in the light of what happened, it wouldn't have done you much good. Oh, I don't mind the walk. I walk home from the Ivy Library all the time. If you walk from Ivy, well, that's at least five miles. It's near as six. That's not far when you've got the time, and I try to make the time. After a few hours' study, I need to walk. Take it, I hold the flashlight for you. Here, I'll have my things here, so it won't help you. You see, I think it's better when I walk. Well, I think it's better than a shower bath, but it's too wet to make a nose, so I always forget what I thought. Well, you know, walking these days is a generator of God. It is an obsolete type of locomotion. I'm happy to hear that you'll find it useful. It's a pet theory of mine that men have forgotten how to... thanks because they've forgotten how to walk. Look at the Greeks. Where? Where's my... Where's my screwdriver? Give me your left hand. That's a hammer in your right hand. Look at the parapetetic philosophers. They know what they were doing. That's why Aristotle used to teach his students while walking in the woods outside of Athens. When did you think it was possibly easy? They don't do that anymore in college. They keep you clamped up in a room, and then they say, study hard and widen your horizon in a room. On the other hand, there have been many men who have taken the long walk in the world and never left their own four walls. And they said it to the travelers. They said, if the armchair wanders, these spark plugs look all right. This is it. What are you doing, Willi Woodstock? Are you doing anything wrong? The only thing I've found wrong is that so far I've found everything right. What about your generator? Have you checked your points yet? Points? Go on, where's points? Now, now, now. The points is not how we're getting somewhere. What are our points? What are our points? Put me out some points. Sir, I didn't hear, man. Oh. You will sound as if you have some practical experience in these methods. Well, I guess you could call me a mechanic. My dad owns a garage, and I'm always working on cars myself. Well, we need a fresh mind on this problem. The trouble may be with your distributor. Yes, William. You better call him first thing in the morning. Now, check on the ignition cable and the contact points. Place the lead lines to the induction coil and the battery, and put a vapor lock in the fuel line. I should do that. Here, let me help you. Starting the motor. You won't hear, but just keep them on your hands for all times later. It's okay, ma'am. Go ahead. Fine. Fine. Vicky, you can turn it off now. Well, in fact, it's a remarkable exorbitant collaboration, and a most consuming even half hour on philosophy. I'm sorry. When I get started on that, I'm off to the races. That might help you. I hope the discussion distracted your attention from my mechanical ineptitude. Well, you did as well, Charles. You've got to have a feel for that sort of thing. Well, I don't get much opportunity, but I'd like to use my hands. Someone once observed that it's a moot point, whether the human hand created the human brain or the brain created the hand. I like that. Who said it? I'm pretty sure it was Alfred North Whitehead, for no wonder. That's my man. That's what I came to I before. Professor Thorndike's a real disciple of Whitehead. I'd say that Professor Thorndike is the best modern philosopher since Whitehead. He'll be happy to know that someone thinks so. Do you mind if I tell him? Well, I think that you knew him, I guess, right away that you were a professor at Ivy Street. Well, Dr. Hall is the kind of professor without portfolio. A plenty professor, extra potential. Vicky, it's extraordinary. And I'm not. Well, you're Ivy's Dr. Hall. Yeah, Mr. Hall's Dr. Hall. Well, I feel pretty silly sounding off about philosophy, but you still are on the contrary. Mr. Kimball, Jack Kimball. Ah, now remember, Kimball, I think that the greatest pleasure I have at Ivy is that of being a sounding board. So come visit us soon and prepare to let yourself go. Yes, the next time you feel the urge to walk and you're going to cry yourself, loosen your thighs, there's a dedicated server over our way. We'd like to see you again. Thanks, thanks very much. Now, let us drive you home. Well, thanks. It's the same, Mrs. Hall, but I only have to cut across the field here. I live just over the hill and it's pretty late, so I better be going. Good night. Good night. Good night. Ah, Vicky. You know, I'm fit to be stopped and somewhat humbled by the unabashed presumptions, praise and convictions, and wonderful faith for the student who is just beginning to be. Hmm, I guess beginning to think so. We forgot to pay him. And after all, he did help. Well, isn't it? A little. He was indispensable. And I shall insist upon implementing our gratitude the first time I see him on the count. Well, good. But you know it's hard if you never ask me this, and you shouldn't, isn't it, student of ours? What makes you think that he isn't? Perfect. Only what makes you think that he is? Nothing. But if he isn't, the odd of it, there's a pleasure to meet a young man who doesn't wait to use his brain until his hair matches his gray matter. Hmm. I am interested in your property. Do you wish to sell? If you might have a slight objection, please, sir, increase your earning power in electronics now. Radio, rent a trade and make more money. Learn to use the modern Marsilisco. Letter. A thickie. From Dr. Lucas. A darling, didn't I write a text for the dentist a month ago? Oh, yes, honey. I mailed it again yesterday. Well, thank you, dear. I love a girl who does impulsive things. What do you mean, again? Ah, I forgot to tell you about that. It came back later than yesterday. I put it in my last letter to Auntie, just by mistake. And one night, she'd all up to say Dr. Bill, she wrote. I must know she could get it. Hell, she wrote. Why do I tell her she wrote? So now, I've got to sit down for a long explanation. I should think you'd have to and then don't mail it to Dr. Lucas. Now here's the answer to our question about Jeff Kimball. Dear Dr. Hall, my son has written to tell me how happy he is at Ivy and how kind you've been to him. I don't think Jefferson would tell you how hard he has worked to go to Ivy, although his father thinks that it is foolish for him to go so far away to take up his philosophy. I believe in Jefferson, and I know you will, too, when you get to know him better. Thank you for everything, very truly yours, Mrs. Anna Kimball. It's postmarked, port-offered, jargon. Well, that's very sweet, but it's impossible. How could Jeff's mother know that you were kind to her son when you only met him last night? And it was he who was kind to you. Yet come to think of it, you are his mother a letter. Oh, I think young Kimball was simply using me as a figure of speech, which in my more lucid moments, I sometimes think I am. However, I'm curious about our young friend. Yes. I'll call Professor Thorndike about him right now. Well, don't forget to tell Thorndike you have a T.L. form. T.L.? Mm-hmm. I'm not sure that he's familiar with that calculating method of soliciting compliments. Professor Thorndike? Ah, this is Dr. Horst. Professor, I met a young student from your department last night. He's got me as an outstanding young man. I'd appreciate it if you'd give me your opinion on him and keep me posted on his progress. His name is Jefferson Kimball. Well, that's hard. From his conversation, I assumed that he was in philosophy. You'll check further then? Right away? Fine, fine. Thank you very much, Professor. Goodbye. Professor Thorndike has never heard of Jeff Kimball. Well, I've met Professor Thorndike. I haven't heard of a whole lot of students who have been in his classes for all four years of college. He's wonderful, you know, but he's such a far away man. Every time I meet him, I want to ask him how socket he is. You know, he's very... We'll see you later. Well, that distracted there of his is very deceptive, Vicki. He's refuted to be by far the best poker player on the faculty. They say he bluffed Professor Benson out of a two-volume limp leather center in Montaigne with nothing in his hand but a Texas triumph. A Texas triumph? Yes, I'm the deuce, Tray, Seven-Nine, and Jack of Nothing against the Queen High of Strength. Oh, thank you. And now what is the two-volume limp leather center in Montaigne? And now Vicki. Hello, hello, Miss Reed. This is Dr. Horsey. Would you please look up the registration card for Jefferson Kimball from Port Arthur at Oregon? What? Well, Professor Thorne, I could just call you. No Kimball. Or tend not even a special student. Well... All right, thank you. Thank you, goodbye. Can you get out of here again? No, he was never in. It's no record of him at all. Why didn't I ask him if he was a student at all? But why isn't he? He left Oregon to come here. We wrote his mother that he was here. And he is. But he isn't. Now why isn't he? And where is he? He's over the hill. Over what? Well, that's what the man said. He said he lived over the hill. All right, but which hill? Well, the hill that we saw at the bottom of. Excuse me. I mean which spot we saw that. Which I have the slightest identification of. All right, he did say that his father owns a garage. Yeah, which we now know is in Oregon. But he also said that he works on cars all the time. Which is probably what he's doing now. So? That he has it such a common if controversial practice to shop around for promising athletes. I don't think it was the reprehensible in our part. If we went out of our way a little to recruit one promising student. Well, that's right. We could use some brains with our biceps. You know, oddly enough, biceps is derived from the Latin meaning two heads. Now, isn't that wonderful? Imagine being able to chip your nose into two grindstones. Yeah, that's it. Now, let's get in the car and start looking for a young Aristotle in the Greece. We'll take a spin for a spinner. Sam Kimball? No, no, no. Dr. Hall, he left one over to Watertown about six months ago. No, no, no. Jefferson Kimball. Oh, Kimball. No, never heard. You want to try feet? I think they took on a new man. Oh, well, thank you. Say, wait a minute, Dr. Hall. Your back tire looks awful. Oh, well, I just had it checked when I got gasoline. Well, and I'm afraid you've got a slow leak. Better leave the tire here. Let me fix it. Oh, all right. My name's Jefferson Kimball. Kimball? No, nobody here but that name, Dr. Hall. I see. Thank you. Oh, say, Dr. Hall. Yes. Raise your motor, will you? All right. All right. 20 minutes, I'll fix it for you. 20 minutes? No, I haven't. Yeah, let's begin in a flight, you little. I don't want to crash at you or anything but you better not let this go. Better bring it in. Let me paint it for you. It's a good job. It's a condition. It's in anyways. I couldn't guarantee what might happen. Well, I can guarantee what will happen. We'll walk home. Well, I can guarantee what will happen. We'll walk home. Well, I can guarantee what will happen. We'll walk home. Well, I can guarantee what will happen. We'll walk home. I hesitate to estimate. Not being under the influence of that rule. Yeah. And all on account of Mr. Kimball, who ought to stay out of the garage. The count, that is. One thing he's done is giving me an appetite. There's nothing better than a mental stimulation that comes from walking and trying. Oh, darling, I hope that Mr. Kimball is tender because I think we're going to have him to dinner. Yeah, look, look, the heels come with a rose. They are used to being red on our fat porch. Yes, good, I can walk. Oh, Mr. Kimball, I'm happy to see you. I know you're busy, Dr. Holland. I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you just because you're live tonight, but you see, I've come a long way. Yes, I am. And I thought you might be... Are you? When did I tell you I was from Oregon? No, your mother came. Mother? Who came? You wrote me a letter thanking me for being kind to you. Oh, oh, well, I can explain that to you. Although that isn't necessary, but did you want to see me about something? Yes, sir, I wondered if you'd speak to Professor Thorne Knight for me. I'd like to ask his advice on certain matters. I don't, I might even get permission to audit some of his classes. Obviously not. I've already spoken to him about you. You see, I assume that you were a student that I made. Oh, I wanted to be, Dr. Hall, but I can't. What's the matter? I'm not ready. Oh, no, no, I was too late. It rained, and I missed the boat. Well, I know it rained. It was a great deal in Oregon, but what is that to do with you not getting into Ivy? Well, it didn't rain in Oregon, Dr. Hall. It rained in South Dakota. It's a little cloudy here, too. What I mean is I hitchhiked to Ivy, but I was marooned for five days in South Dakota and missed the entrance examination. Well, why didn't you haul up a help when you got there? Because the delay was my own fault. I didn't have any foresight. I should have allowed enough marketing to get here in time. Well, the knowledge of the weather is not a prerequisite of this college. It's true that we have a closing date for examinations, but occasionally I exercise my dictatorial powers and set back the calendar. You mean I can still get in? Out of the grief you've got on my husband, he could use a little of it to slide you into school. Jeff, I sometimes have a terrifying picture of college as a huge machine for grinding out credits and building up muscles, but I'm reassured when someone like you comes along who will take, oh, let's say, elementary astronomy because he wants to know something about the universe and not because it's a SNAP score worth two units. So welcome to Ivy. I don't know how to thank you, Dr. Arnold. Oh, no, no, no. Then please, don't. Oh, no, no. I believe with Shakespeare that silence is the perfected arrow of joy. I would be a little happy if I could say how much. And in your case, Jeff, getting into college really was just a matter of mechanics. Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman has been presented by Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. The taste of so many people prefer first in sales in the USA. Next time, every time, ask for Schlitz beer. Now, here again are Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everybody. Good night. Good morning. And from our sponsor, the Jones & Swift Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin dealers throughout the nation. Good night. Good night. Jeff Kimmel was played by Victor Parris. Others in our cast were Paul Fraze and Jerry House. My staff was written by Barbara Knowles and conducted by Henry Ross. I was created by Don Quinn, directed by Matt Wolves, and presented by the Jones & Swift Brewing Company of Milwaukee.