 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Assey of www.JonathanAssey.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the six things men secretly want, but they don't ask for it. I'm sure you're dying to know what that is. Now really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if anytime during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions. By no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and tradition. So I'd like you to give it a chance. And again, if it resonates with you, hit that like button. All right, let's get into the six things men secretly want, but they're afraid to ask for these things. So I'm pretty sure you're probably thinking this is what men want. Sex, sex, sex, sex, and more sex, right? But are men really afraid to ask for sex? And quite frankly, we're pretty demonstrative when it comes to sex because when you think about it, when men come on strong and they oftentimes throw out a lot of sexual innuendos, it's not a lack of them not trying or asking for it. Men are pretty clear when they want sex. So it's not sex that they want, that they secretly want, but are afraid to ask for. Now you might also be thinking, well, why aren't men watching videos trying to figure out what women want, right? Aren't you thinking this? And in fact, you're probably even asking yourself, why is it that we always have to figure out what men are doing? Why aren't men trying to figure us out? And I'm here to say, ladies, that men do actually seek advice when it comes to women. Most of the time men are seeking the basic advice of how to approach women. In fact, men's greatest fear oftentimes is just the initiation of connecting with another woman. In fact, so when men seek dating and relationship advice, it's mostly centered around how to build the confidence to meet women. Women, on the other hand, will spend way more hours studying relationships, trying to understand how relationships work. This is why I often say, if you follow my work, I know you like the idea of men of being chivalrous and that they'll claim you and that they're leaders of the relationship. And yet, why is the number one search term for women centered around, why do men ghost? Why do men disappear? Why are men commitment phobic? Why are men emotionally unavailable? The avoidant attachment style and the list goes on and on. So I'm here to suggest, why do you want to give your relationship destiny to the guy? That's the last person you want to be at. You are in charge of your relationship destiny. And this is why I hope you come to my channel and seeking advice to understand the complexities of a relationship instead of this fantasy way that many of you have been indoctrinated, especially going back to the leaning back in your feminine energy. It's all about being in your feminine energy because when you're in your feminine energy, a man is just gonna naturally want to claim you. I mean, really, is it just all about sitting in your feminine energy? I'm here to say, fuck no. That's just a small little piece of it. And it's not your feminine energy I want you to sit into. I want you to sit into your empowered energy, your sovereign energy, your self-reliant, self-esteem, self-confident, self-love energy. And if you need some help with that, check out my book. What the heck is self-love anyway? What the heck is self-love anyway? It's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work so you can actually lean into a relationship from a more confident perspective. And by the way, there's a link below to check out my book. Now really quickly, I think it's really important before I share what men secretly want. I think it's critically important to understand that chemistry doesn't equal relationship success. I'm gonna repeat that. Chemistry doesn't equal relationship success. If you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, I'm gonna put it on the screen. By the way, you can see above the water line the tip of the iceberg is chemistry. It's the first thing we see and this is known as where we build our attraction. And yet the real value in a relationship centers around compatibility, which includes shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. Did you read that? Shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And the reason why most relationships are dysfunctional today is because the predominant group of men and women out there single looking for love are emotionally stifled. They're emotionally stunted. Their relationship skills are rather weak and poor. And if you're not familiar with my emotional maturity relationship skills chart, I'm gonna show it really quickly. Roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues. I'm talking about narcissists, borderline, bipolar disorder, sociopathic disorders. I mean, roughly about one out of every, let's see, two out of every 10 people you meet has some real clinical issues. And then over here, it says 20% are emotionally healthy. Ladies, when I say 20%, I am being ridiculously generous. It's probably closer to 5% of the population. And this is true of men and women alike. And the vast majority of people are rather dysfunctional in their relationship skills, predominantly in the area of communication skills. I'm gonna repeat that. Men and women alike are ridiculously have weak skills in the ability to share their feelings in a way that's seen, heard, and understood by another person because we are a society here, at least here in the United States that operates from victim consciousness. In fact, we're suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness and it's always the other person's fault while you're not seen, heard, and understood. This is why I continually recommend suggesting reading the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Quite frankly, this should have been titled Compassionate Communication, Compassionate Communication because folks, I know you all think you're good at communicating. And ladies, just because you have a capacity to vomit your feelings doesn't mean it's coming across in a way that's seen, heard, and understood. So first, maybe everybody might wanna consider doing some personal development, self-help, and spiritual work before they even consider entering into a relationship. But Jonathan, that goes against all the contrary opinions. That's because here's the fantasy. The fantasy many of you are suckling on is that love solves all relationship problems and love is just this magic fairy that's many of you are suckling on. Not understanding that shared values, blendable lifestyles, and that emotional maturity piece is so critically important to have a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship. And if you need some support with that, check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Back the other day, I was talking to a client and this is where this video was birthed from because she was asking me, what do guys really want but they don't talk about? What do guys really want but they don't talk about? So right now, we're gonna jump into those six things men secretly want but they don't ask for it. This goes beyond the sex. So I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses. For those of you know, I have my notes. All right, number one, this is pretty much true for every man whether they're emotionally healthy or not most men seek to feel respected. Most men feel to seek respected. Now I know many of you believe that respect is earned and respect is earned. Here's the way I operate from this premise. I operate from the premise of giving everybody the benefit of the doubt and I respect them until they demonstrate that they are untrustworthy, that there should be disrespected. And I don't necessarily even like the idea of disrespecting someone. And yet as I said before, I like to operate from the place of being respectful for another human being and treat them with a level of respect. And I gotta tell you something as a man out there in the dating realm, a lot of women treat me with disrespect. They treat me with contempt, criticism. They stonewall or they get defensive. This is what John Gottman talks about the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And this is true right from the very beginning of a first date. I honestly believe a significant percentage of women and men, and by the way, everything I'm saying goes for both genders or by genders I don't even know all the genders out there. I just know basically men and women, okay? And with that said, most genders are actually kind of cruel to each other in the dating process because they operate from a place of what can I get instead of from what I can give. And this is true from the very first date. This is why a lot of you are set up for failure because you're either operating from a place of entitlement or sadly, many of you operating from a place of lack of self-love. So you allow yourself to be a doormat to a guy. This is why I'm such a big proponent over and over again of suggesting empowerment as your pathway to inner peace. You're in sovereign empowerment that has nothing to do with masculine and feminine energies. I'm on a roll sometimes. All right, so let's talk about those six things men want. And I just said respect. And let me just demonstrate with you how respect was once given to me. This happened on a second date. And one of the things I think is a real opens up a man's heart is when you genuinely ask for their opinion on something. When you genuinely ask your opinion for something important in your life. And so I was about to share a date I went on. It was our second date. I picked her up at her home and she was showing me, she had a beautiful home and she was showing me around. And her kitchen was about to be remodeled and I've shared this story before and she had three tiles out that she was considering. I think it was the floor tiles or maybe the countertop tiles. And she said, Jonathan, I'd really like to get your opinion. What do you think would be look best her in my home? And I was so honored in that moment. I felt so respected. Ladies, when you can ask a man his advice on something in your life this demonstrates that you respect his opinion. You value his opinion. It means he's important. And this can be simply done even on a first date asking a simple question about your life that he might be able to provide some value to. So I'm not suggesting this is an absolute. I will tell you most high value men emotionally mature men appreciate when a woman asks his advice because it demonstrates a level of respect. And as Pat Allen says, a man feels cherished when he's respected and a woman feels respected when she's cherished. And if that's true, I'll let you decide for yourself. But I can tell you, it feels good when someone wants to get my honest opinion on something that could benefit their life. Okay, so that's number one, respected. Number two, oh, when you accept his offer for help and you appreciate his efforts when helping. So this centers around helping. When you accept his offer for help and you appreciate their offers, their offers, their helping in your life. I got to tell you something. A lot of ladies, and I know this is difficult for you is to actually accept help, especially when you've been operating on your own for so long. And yet men want to feel that you appreciate and accept our help. We want to feel that acceptance and we want to feel appreciated for our efforts. I can tell you that the one of the number one complaints by most men after a divorce is a lack of feeling appreciation, a lack of feeling accepted for their efforts. When they make efforts, even accepting their efforts, this is a common complaint. Folks, I know it's difficult because this might sound very one sided. And this should go, men should be everything I'm sharing here, men should be doing the exact same thing. And I don't like to say this word should. I'm just saying, I would hope they're doing the same things as well. So let's just understand that appreciation is a critically important facet of a relationship. And it's not the words thank you. The words thank you are thrown around like pennies in a fountain. I'm talking about real sincere using the word appreciation, using the word gratitude. That carries a lot more weight. And that even includes just even saying at the end of our first date, I really appreciated spending time with you. You're a really great guy. Actually going to lead into the next one, okay? So accept his efforts and appreciate his efforts. And number three, I just shared it, compliment him. Folks, men get so few compliments in a given day. And yet women get compliments all day long, whether it's on social media in your personal life. Oh my God, what a great pair of shoes you're wearing. Oh my God, I love your dress. Did you do something to your hair? You get compliments all day long. We rarely get compliments for our efforts. We get about this many compliments in the day. And while a lot of men will shrug off compliments deep down their little kid inside of them, the little kid inside a guy loves hearing compliments. They love hearing compliments. And now even the avoided man loves hearing it. Now he might struggle being able to express himself with appreciation. And yet at the same time, every little kid inside every adult male loves compliments, just like you love compliments. It feels good to be complimented for how we look, what we wear, what we do. So I encourage you to start using appreciation and compliments regularly in your communication style because that actually hooks us because we secretly want this and yet we're afraid to ask. All right, number four. Okay, this says space from excessive emotional responsibility, space from excessive emotional responsibility. And I wanna share this with you. There seems to be a pattern I'm noticing with a lot of women that are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. Meaning needing constant validation surrounding the relationship or about themselves. And I'm gonna say a emotionally mature person doesn't need constant validation. And oftentimes men sense this need from you. And reason why men pull away a big chunk of the time is because we need space from the emotional response, excessive emotional responsibility from the relationship. I'm not talking about standard being validating each other but having to do it excessively is becoming a very frequent pattern I'm noticing from women. And I will tell you men secretly want space from that. So listen, if you're in a secure relationship you don't need it. And if you're in an insecure relationship well then you might wanna start having deeper conversations to establish deeper trust in the relationship. And if you need some help with that I highly recommend checking out the book eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman because this is the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship. So you don't need constant validation because the two of you are co-creating a relationship together. Are you with me? Are you willing to do that? Give me an amen. All right, number five. All right, I'm gonna bring up sex but what men secretly want is sexual variety in the relationship. Now I'm not gonna go into the particulars of what men want but certainly we definitely want blow jobs. Most, I don't know, I'm sure there's the exception to the rule but men love blow jobs. Certainly they should be going down on you as well. So let's not make this one sided but sexual variety maybe it's doing it in different places. Maybe it's doing it different times of the day. We men desire that initiation from you and the variety as well. And this is something you could talk about with your partner once you've established that you're in a fully committed relationship that's exclusive and monogamous. And lastly, and I just said it a moment ago initiating, initiating. Listen, we men cannot be the leaders of the relationship 24 seven. I mean planning dates, paying for dates, doing all that if you really wanna be in a healthy partnership with someone then take on the role of mutual initiation. It's a two lane street to be in a healthy, happy relationship. And right from the very early stages, initiate a date, pay for a date, make plans. And by the way, I am not suggesting you do more than him, okay? I'm not suggesting one person does more than the other. I'm just saying taking turns initiating that takes the pressure off of us from having to be fully responsible. And the right guy is going to appreciate it and the wrong guy will run, he will run away, he will run away, he will run away. Because you know what? When you make effort and he can't accept it, he's going to run away and you want the wrong guys to run away so you can make room for the right guys. Are you with me? Please say yes. All right, just to repeat everything, respect, acceptance and appreciation when he offers help, compliments, space from excessive emotional responsibility, sexual variety, and lastly, initiating activities. All right, those are the six things of many men secretly want. I know ladies, you want men to do the same things for you to understand what you want. I'm always the believer, men are like dogs, you can train them. It's a lot easier to train a dog than trying to go out looking for the needle in the haystack. With that said, this is our time in the broadcast to take questions and if you're watching the live stream right now, there's a chat box. You can post the word question and a question thereafter makes it easier for me to find or you can purchase a super sticker or super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the funds from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's him right there. I got some new mixed style pictures. That's him right there. One of my all time favorite pictures. That's Connor right there with his brother. That's me in a puppy pile a while back. So all the funds from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development, whether it's working with me or donating to the charities the charities that I believe offers the most love and support in the area for emotional wellbeing for people. So check out the link for a super sticker super chat. All right, and by the way, if you're listening to the audio of this you won't be able to see any of this. So it's time to take questions. All right, let's scroll through here. Let's go swim in. If you have a question, post the word question and write the question thereafter. All right, here we go. Arlene writes, question. Why do men talk incessantly about an ex? One guy even took me somewhere knowing where his ex was, used me and even pointed me out to her. Why does a man do that? Great question Arlene. So what you're talking about is an emotionally unhealthy man who still has an attachment to a previous partner. He has an attachment to his previous partner. Now, if you're not familiar with the work of Amir Levine and Rachel Heller I would highly check out the book Attached. This talks about love attachment style. And what this means is from very early on in our childhood how we bonded with our parents oftentimes was formulated in either an anxious or an avoidant love attachment style. An anxious is a very needy love attachment style and avoidant is basically I don't trust love. And that's how they attach to their parents. And I know many of you are familiar also with secure attachment style. I truly believe that the vast majority is either anxious or avoidant and very few people actually are able to be secure and that takes months if not years to establish once you're in a relationship. Now, there's another reason why men are incessantly talking about exes is because they're basically experiencing what's known as the Amago, the Amago. And if you're not familiar with the work of Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt I highly recommend checking this out because this is about what's basically the Amago is we choose people very similar to one or both of our parents. Very similar to one of our both of our parents. In other words, we're trying to heal a wound from most likely an apparent who was emotionally unavailable for us in a relationship. So we choose partners very similar to like one or both of our parents because our little kid inside of us desperately wants to heal that peace inside of us. So we choose people like that. And when the relationship ends we're still trying to constantly fill that need of mommy, daddy, will you love me? Mommy, daddy, will you love me? Mommy, daddy, will you love me? And this is one of the reasons why people haven't detached from a previous partner because they're either experienced loving attachment love attachment style or they're experiencing Amago. And quite frankly, if it's show up by the way, let me share with you something personal. So I was in a significant relationship after my divorce and let me be candid with you. My love attachment style is anxious. I'm gonna repeat that, that's anxious. I tend to gravitate to more avoidant personalities. Now, here's the thing. There's a picture of my mom and dad when they were in their twenties. My mom and dad were married 66 years before my mother passed away. And my mother was one of those women who was emotionally avoidant. And she would actually abandon us emotionally when there was some uproar going on in our family, mostly with my father, one of my siblings. So if she was upset with my father my mother would emotionally abandon us for about 72 hours. And during that little time, I'm a little kid. I'm like, mom, I want your love. Mom, I want your love. Mom, I want your love. And I wasn't getting love. So what happened to me is I became an anxious attachment style. And my pattern was to choose women who were somewhat similar to my mother, a more of an emotional attachment style, or maybe they would take 24, 48, 72 hours when there was a conflict. And that was triggering my wounds. That would trigger my wounds. So when I was in a significant relationship with someone that mirrored a bit of my mother I'm not suggesting she was like my mother. There was just some similarities to that. And when our relationship ended, I was still very much, I mean, the drug of that anxious attachment style was I was vomiting myself on early dates. I was, when I say vomiting, all I did was talk about her, talk about her, talk about her. It was funny, I months met one woman who all she did talk about was her ex-husband. All I did was talk about my ex-girlfriend. And no wonder the relationship imploded because I still needed quite a bit of healing. In fact, for those who know me, know that significant relationship ended four years ago. And I probably, it's taken me the last three and a half years to literally repair it myself during this time by actually learning to enjoy and appreciate my own company because I had a rather co-dependent personality. And if you're not familiar with the book, Co-Dependent No More, Co-Dependent No More, I highly recommend checking out this book to either understand your own co-dependency or understanding someone else's co-dependency. So coming back to your question there, Arlene, why, this is just a brief kind of example of why men might be doing this, why men might be doing this. And it doesn't make them bad people. It just makes them unhealed at a deep core level. This is why I'm such a big proponent of everybody doing the inner work to relieve their negative patterns and their limiting beliefs in their life. This is why I'm such a big proponent of everyone doing what's known as the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas that oftentimes cause a person to talk excessively about an ex. And I'm here to say that when this happens, that's a good sign, that's a really not a red flag. That should be a deal breaker because what most likely happened is they haven't healed from their past relationship. And if they haven't healed from their past relationship, a lot of men and women believe that they have a new relationship that heals the patterning. No, the healing has to be done before they enter in a relationship or what happens is what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. This is why when this happens, folks, I know you can meet some really good people out there that happened to me. I know it's happened to you. But I'm here to say unless people do some healing from their childhood wounds and traumas or adult traumas, they're going to repeat patterns over and over again. And I'm sure I always say, homie don't wanna play that game. And I'm sure nor do you. So you may want to say thank you, no thank you, thank you next. And that's my invitation for you Arlene. So thank you, and that's the why that happened. So it once again, thank you so much for that question. That was a really good one. I really appreciate it giving you a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug for that one. All right, let's take some more questions. Let's go swimming, let's go swimming. Hey, Kim, I wanna thank you for that gift you sent me in the mail. I really appreciate it. I forgot to acknowledge that. But now that I see your name, she also says major eye contact for months with same guy, we're both super. Oh, this is about a conversation you're having with someone. So thank you so much. All right, let's keep going. Let's keep going. If you have a question, post the word question. Stephanie says, lovely pictures behind me. These are brand new mixed styles. I love them. Thank you so much, Steph. I appreciate that. Lynn says, sounds like men are more feminine than women. That's just a crock of shit. Men, okay. By the way, I've been characterized as effeminate because I have a capacity to communicate my feelings in an emotionally healthy way. Now to me, that just means I have a good balance not of my masculine and feminine energy that men are more feminine. It's just that I have a capacity to navigate life from an emotionally secure place. This comes back to my book. What the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? So to suggest men are more feminine. Well, then I can make the argument that women are way more masculine than ever before. I mean, they're riddled with masculinity and all this does is create divide amongst men and women. And that's why I'm not a big proponent of labeling men or women this way because you can complain about men being feminine and we men could complain about you as being masculine and all that do is complaining for unhealthy behavior most likely in someone's life. And rather than criticize them, how can we uplift people? That's my invitation. Rather than judging and criticizing what can we do going forward to uplift people? That's my invitation for all of you or at least that's my invitation for myself. So, Lynn, thank you for sharing that. Allowed me to chime in and point out how I feel about it. All right, I don't date separated guys now after a bad experience. You don't wanna be going through that. I understand that, Jane P. Vicki says, oh Connor's very cute little boy, thank you. All right, if you have a question, oh here we go, here's a question. Question, have you ever done a video on the different types of eye contact? I have major ones with my crush. No, I do not. I am not a body language expert. I do have a Instagram friend who is a body expert and her name just escapes me right now but it'll come to me. Okay, but I would talk to a body language expert because that's not my area of expertise. All right, we have a super sticker of $5 euros, I guess, or British pounds. Gina says, he suggests a new sexual experience then complain when I had sex with someone new. I think you mean that as a joke. So I guess what you're saying is the new sexual experience was to do a threesome and he complained about that. Well, I'm assuming because you wanted to be with a guy and he wanted to be with a girl. But anyway, thank you so much for the super sticker. I really appreciate that, Gina. Thank you so much. All right, let's go swim in. Okay, here we go. Angela writes, question, is overall compatibility shared values, blendable lifestyles more important than feeling that spark in a long-term relationship? Let me repeat that. Is overall compatibility shared values and blendable lifestyles more important than feeling that spark in a long-term relationship? Great, great, great, great question. So coming back to my relationship, iceberg. As you can see, the tip of the iceberg is chemistry, but below the waterline is shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity, what she just talked about. Here's the thing, chemistry, energetic. I'm gonna differentiate chemistry because there's physical attraction, which is one component of chemistry and emotional connection, which is another component of chemistry. I'm a believer that it's important to feel emotional connection with another human being, that level of connecting at an emotional level, feeling like, you know what, this person gets me. Along with some physical attraction, now we men need more physical attraction because we need to get the equipment up. We need to feel physically attracted. Ladies, you need to feel physically attracted to get your vaginas wet to let them in. So it is important to have physical attraction, a level of chemistry. I'm just here to say, that's what's needed to mate, to basically fuck all you need is chemistry. If you wanna have a significant relationship with another human being, then you need shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. Now, could you have a relationship with shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity and no chemistry? Yes, but those relationships tend to be rather boring and worse, they tend to lead in divorce. This is why if you're not familiar with the work of Esther Perrell, she wrote a great book called Mating Incaptivity. Mating Incaptivity. And one of the things I love about Esther Perrell's work is she talks about the importance of erotic connection, erotic connection. And quite frankly, relationships need to be fucking on a regular basis to keep that spark, that chemistry going. And I know a lot of couples take it for granted or they haven't done it for a week or two weeks or three weeks and then turns into three months and it turns into three years. And next thing you know, it's a 30 year relationship with no sex. And I'm here to say is sexual connection with your partner is as, well not, it's not. Listen, can you do without it? Absolutely and still be in a happy relationship. I'm here to encourage making it part of the agenda. I know one couple who has been married 50 years. They're in there. No, no, they're 60 years married. They're now in their 80s. And even to this day, they still have one day a week where it's their love-making day. And this has been going on for decades. It's part of their equation. So stop being naive here. Start co-creating a relationship. I've mentioned this book before and I'll keep mentioning it. One of the chapters in the book, eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman centered is around sex, centers around sex. So it is a physical attraction, sexual chemistry is an important component of a relationship. And it's time to be more intentional instead of naive and cavalier because as I say all the time, magic fairy dust isn't going to change your relationship. Intentionality is going to make your relationship much stronger and don't leave it up to men because men are rather clueless. They're winging it. But Jonathan, I don't wanna train men, ladies. It's a lot easier to train a guy than looking for the needle in the haystack. I'm gonna repeat that's a lot easier to train a guy than looking for the needle in the haystack. So start, my mother, there's a picture of my mom and dad. They were married 66 years, as I said before. My mother was in charge of the relationship destiny and my dad was a good follower and my father was a commander of a destroyer, a 500 foot ship in World War II. He was an alpha male and yet my mom was in charge of the relationship. She just didn't take ship from anyone and my father genuinely respected her because she spoke her mind. She spoke her mind. And men actually do value that so long as it's not contrary to their own beliefs but for the most part we men are better at taking instructions and that's just an offer I'm making to you. So bringing it back to full circle here. Yes, sexual connection, physical attraction, chemistry is as important only for mating but if you wanna go deeper, shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. Are you with me? Please give me an amen. Thank you so much for that question Arlene. I really, or Angela, I really appreciate it. All right. I wanna thank Gina for the $20 Super Sticker as well. I really appreciate that. Sin rights, question. Jonathan, do you think if someone is part of the 20% that has mental clinical issues can ever have a happy unhealthy, can ever have a happy unhealthy relationship if they take meds and do the inner work? Ooh, that's a great question. So I'm only vaguely familiar about those that are taking medications for things like bipolar and borderline. I don't think there's a medication for narcissism and I don't think there's a medication for sociopaths. So with that said, I do have a female friend who has bipolar disorder. She's on medicine and she's in a great marriage. The thing is she's hyper aware of her condition. She's hyper aware of her condition and she's very mindful of her condition constantly. And she's constantly checking in with her partner. They have a true co-creative relationship where they communicate on a regular basis. And she's hyper aware of her patterning and she has permission to bring up things that might cause friction in the relationship. It takes hyper awareness and most possibly the medicines as well. But again, this isn't my area of expertise but I will tell you, if you're with someone who's not aware of their condition and they're not hyper aware awareness and they are constantly monitoring themselves, it's gonna be very difficult to form a deep connection with a person who is either borderline or bipolar. Not to suggest it can't happen. I'm just here to say it's gonna be incredibly difficult. So I would definitely do some research on it. I would Google it. I would watch YouTube videos. Again, that's not my area of expertise but sin, thank you so much for that question. I really, really appreciate it. All right, thank you so much. All right, let's go swim in. Oops, hey, Kim, your first live chat. Thank you for being on here. Colleen writes, question. After doing a lot of all you said, why is it when we mentioned wanting to be in an exclusive relationship, would a man put you on the brakes? I'm thinking he wants his cake and eat it too. Ah, oh, so, you know what? So I have, again, if you listen to the beginning of the broadcast, I said I'm a contrarian. I'm a believer of being radically honest in the very early stage of dating. In fact, one of the things about my private coaching, by the way, check out the link to a discovery call with me. It's in the description to see if working with a coach is right for you. My area of expertise is to teach you how to ask the right questions to determine true compatibility based on your personality. So I'm a big believer of cutting the bullshit. I know a lot of my contemporaries will tell you this. Just go out and have a good time. Just have a good time. It's all about having a good time. First, second dates, just have a good time. Let the man lead, have a good time. And then when you're six weeks, eight weeks, 12 weeks in, and you realize he's a fucking disaster, then you break up with him and then you start the process over again. That's what a lot, many of my contemporaries will suggest you to do. I'm, I don't believe in that because let me tell you what happens. When you invest emotionally with someone who's emotionally unhealthy, it is an emotional nuclear bomb that goes on inside one of us. And let me just say this, dating triggers the number one emotional health issue facing everybody is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable. This is why I'm a big proponent of being radically honest right from the get go and ask some really hard questions before you ever get too deep with someone. Folks, if you follow my work, you know I talk about this frequently. Before the penis goes inside the vagina, read by two copies of this book, eight dates and talk about what's in this book before you ever fuck each other. And if a guy gets upset that you wanna be in a monogamous, exclusive relationship, then he's just not ready for a relationship. And why do you wanna invest in a guy who's not ready for a relationship? But Jonathan, he's cute and he drives a nice car and he owns a nice home. Listen, all of the material things in the world will not cure someone from wanting to be, you know, wanting a fully committed relationship. And let's face it, for those of us in midlife, and if you follow my work, my area of expertise is midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement, you know, we're on our second, third, fourth, fifth, 10th go-around. In other words, it might be most 75% of people over 45 years old who are single and dating are divorced and they've had multiple relationships. So this is not, we're not getting our first choice, we're not getting our second choice, we're not getting our third choice in many cases. Now, I know that sounds like a comparison and a judgment there, but I'm here to say it's time to be intentional. And again, the problem with dating today, here's the thing, these little devices, this little device and these little apps like Bumble and whatnot has made it progressively harder because there's this false belief that there's all these perceived choice out there with people. And I'm here to say, I'm here to say there's a fantasy that there's gonna be someone better around the corner. And a lot of men operate from the premises, I'll believe it when I see it, I'll believe it when I see it, I'll believe it when I see it. So they're always jonesing for that next high, they're jonesing for that next high, they're jonesing for that next high. Instead of operating from a premise of when I understand it and believe it, I will see it. When I understand and believe it, I will see it. And sadly, women are suckling on that same nipple as well. We are more, we have this belief, a lot of women, for example, I'll change my lifestyle when I meet the right guy. No, change your lifestyle ahead of time so you make room for the right guy. And men and women alike should be doing this and yet sadly they're not. So my invitation for you coming back to this original question is, be radically honest right from the get go because you kick the wrong guys to the curb and you make room for the guys who are genuinely serious. The problem is a lot of men who are genuinely serious, you're not attracted to them. I know it sucks, but sometimes a nice guy is worth investing in because you might be surprised in the long run. All right, Colleen, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, let's keep going swimming. Ah, bump, bump, bump. Oh, here we go. Softest, hard question, dating apps. When to cut them off? Example, long responding time during texting even when they initiate. Great question. So folks, here's my rule of thumb. If you're not familiar with it, I'm gonna say it over again. Probably say it over 100,000 times. My three, two, one, three rule. Three, two, one, three. And what this is is, no more than three email or text exchanges should then lead to no more than two telephone calls that should lead to one date all in a three week period of time. Let me repeat that. No more than three text messages should lead to no more than two dates all leading to two telephone calls leading to one date all in a three week period of time. But Jonathan, I'm doing long distance dating and they're just not available. Folks, long distance dating can be a mind fuck of a lot of wasting time. So cut to the quick. Look it, if you're communicating with someone with long distance, you just simply say this. Hey, the next time you're in town, give me a shout if I happen to be single, we can meet for coffee. Repeat that. The next time you're in town, if you wanna meet and I'm still single, let's meet for coffee. Don't spend a lot of time with incessant communication with long distance. And if they happen to live nearby, meet sooner rather than later because we have to do what's known as the sniff test. Like a dog sniffing another dog's butt, okay? That's what first meetings are all about. It's about to decide if you guys are even mutually attracted to one another. But Jonathan, because of COVID, we're told that we should spend a lot of time on the telephone. Yes, that creates a lot of connection with another human being, but it isn't real until you meet. And it's not real until you get to the third date. It's not then real until you get to 10 dates and that's not real until you get to about the three month mark and you have established at least a hundred hours of face to face time. It takes roughly a hundred hours of face to face time to really get to know someone at level one of trust. I'm gonna repeat that, it takes about a hundred hours of face to face time just to get to know someone at level one of trust. So the sooner you cut to the quicker, the better. And that's my invitation for you. So soft, hard, soft is hard. Thank you so much for that question. Cut them off, at least that's mine. You know, I had a woman who was like dragging it out the other day and I said, fuck this shit, I just deleted her because she was dragging it out. I don't care how busy you are. Listen, if I'm gonna make time to invest in the dating process and someone is too busy, then I say, fuck that shit because the right person matches your pace and the wrong person probably isn't serious about a relationship anyway. And frankly, it could be a catfisher too. All right, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. By the way, if you'd like to ask me a personal question, we're gonna leave the last few minutes for if any personal questions you have for me, write the word personal question and then post the question thereafter. It makes it easier for me to find or purchase a super sticker or super chat once again. Thank you so much to Marguerite Solomon for that super sticker, super chat. Thank you so much, I appreciate it. All right, let's go swimming. Again, if you have a personal question, write that for me. It makes it easier for me to find. Vanessa says, Jonathan, where's your wheelchair? I had a bit emoji and I didn't realize it had a wheelchair until my brother told me about it. All right, again, if you have a personal question, write a question thereafter and I'll do my best to respond. Let's go swimming. Okay, Gina has a question. It's two parts, three parts. Okay, it says, question. Why do some men treat a first date like a wrestling match? I'm sick of being dragged into a ring, slammed to the deck, seriously. I'm sick of the dates where a guy constantly interrupts and then there's a part two of three. She says, what I tell him to discredit or show that he has done better or basically just shut me up to have power over me somehow. And part three is personally, I think it's just contempt, PS. Yes, I'm super chat was just a joke. Okay, so what you're basically describing, at least to me, is an emotionally unhealthy man who wants to be right. I'm gonna repeat that, an emotionally unhealthy man who wants to be right. Now, the reason why they wanna be right is so they can feel safe in their environment, so they can feel emotionally safe in their environment. Okay, and it's because he needs to feel a level of control. This is true of men and women do the exact same thing. I can't tell you how many women I've gone on dates with that operate the exact same way as you just said, Gina. And it's because human beings, a significant person, remember, I go back to my relationship, emotional relationship skills. The vast majority of human beings are dysfunctional, dysfunctional in their relationship and emotional maturity. So we can spend a lot of time focusing on this guy, or we can focus on the right guy. Folks, I'm here to start suggesting that you do the following. Start saying it's raining great man, it's raining great man, it's raining, oh, my armpit stains, it's raining great man. Start focusing on what's right out there instead of what's wrong, Gina, because if you're hyper focused on that and you don't need to understand it, don't spend any time trying to understand the wrong things. Start spending time understanding the right things. Read these books I keep talking about over and over and over again. Focus on understanding the right things. By the way, this is where a lot of you ladies get so sucked into the whole narcissist forums and you're suckling on that nipple of contempt for men that it's gonna make it incredibly difficult to actually open your heart to another human being. And I'm so saddened to watch this happening over and over and over again. Don't focus, don't try to understand what men do wrong. Try to understand what men do right. Just like this video is today, the six secrets men secretly want. All right, Gina, I hope that helped. Thank you so much. If you have a personal question for me, we're gonna take the last few minutes to answer personal questions. Wow, you got a, oh my God, I'm scrolling through a lot. Personal question. Tammy says, why aren't there more men like you in the world? Tammy says, why aren't there more men like you in this world? Folks, my backstory goes like this. I was raised by my mom and dad from a foreign country. Their teaching was basically this. After high school, go to college. After college, get a good job. After college or get a good job, meet a good woman. After meeting a woman, get married, buy a house, start a family. That was my blueprint, okay? I wasn't prepared to how to be in a relationship and I operated from a very selfish perspective for a very long time because I had childhood wounds and traumas. I mean, God love you, mom and dad, but you fucked me up. And by the way, and I had good parents and they fucked me up, okay? Imagine those people that had horrific parents. I mean, I had one woman tell me she spoke to a man who said her mother was a disgusting human being. I mean, thankfully I didn't have that, but I had garden variety fucked up shit from my mom and dad and I was very myopic, very myopic in the first decade of my adult life. And by the time I met my wife, I was more driven by being the provider, protector and success than I was to be in a fully committed, healthy relationship. And so when my world imploded where I got divorced, lost my quarter million dollar a year job, I got wiped out in the market crash, I got completely humbled. And in that humbling moment, I almost wanted to commit suicide. I went to bed wishing I didn't wake up. I went to bed wishing I didn't wake up. And interestingly enough, my drug of choice, my drug of choice was online dating. I mean, I was addicted to online dating. I was addicted to talking to women incessantly, listening to them share their stories. And then what happened was along the way, you know, I had a Tony Robbins CD. I started to read Abraham Hicks. I started to read Wayne Dyer. And I realized after one year of dating, the common denominator was me. I was the problem. I was the one fucked up. I kept thinking it was the women. It was the women. It was the women. No, I was the one fucked up. And that's when I began the beginning of my journey roughly about 2010. And then in 2011, I met a really fantastic woman who happened to be a therapist. And she helped reparent me on some level. Our relationship helped reparent me. And then I did a deep dive with the Hoffman process. I did a deep dive into insight seminars. I read the book, The Course in Miracles. This took a lot of work. I was in the tunnel as Allison Armstrong talks about for over 15 years. So I've done heroic work, especially in the last four years after Connor passed away. And it inspired me to write my book, What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway? What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway? It's a journey of personal development, self-help, and spiritual work. It's actually a bit of my story. And I invite everybody to do the inner work so they can find a level of inner peace. Inner peace. Look it, I'm not in the fully committed relationship and that's okay. I still feel a tremendous amount of inner peace in my life. And that's my invitation for everyone. So how did I get there? It took a lot of humbling events and even losing my child was a big part of this equation too. And most people, when they have humbling events, they go down the rabbit hole and they never get, they come out. They go down the rabbit hole and never come out. I was a fighter inside of me. That's why when some women say I'm feminine, I'm like, fuck, I started my own business. I make hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. I'm a fighter. I lean into the most bravest thing anybody can do is to be vulnerable, to be authentic and transparent. And yet sadly that's called feminine traits for men. Oh, whatever the fuck that is. Anyway, that's my judgment over that. Coming back to your question, why aren't there more? Because sadly people use drugs and alcohol to suppress their pain instead of doing the inner work. And this is true for men and for you women as well. You're just as bad at this as men. Men and women are equally bad at this. So my invitation, do the work, find that inner peace and you might be surprised on what comes around the corner. So I wanna thank you so much for that question. And as a follow-up to that question, thank you, Tammy. The follow-up question is Jonathan, what religion are you? For the longest time I used to joke that I'm pedestrian and I'm a walker and that was just a joke. My religion of choice is I'm spiritual but not religious. I'm spiritual but not religious. I do not subscribe to any religious dogma or principles out there other than my relationship with my higher self is God, universe, spirit, source, whatever that is for you, God, universe, spirit, source. For me, I have what I'd like to think is a very healthy connection with my higher self and that's my spiritual connection. I do try to follow the rules of the four agreements, the four agreements if you're not familiar with that. This is also part of my Bible, the four agreements. Also the book, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer is another Bible of mine. When I mean by Bible, these are the principles I live by. These are the principles I live by. My religious doctrine is the four agreements and the untethered soul. I think those are two fantastic books to have principles in your life because when you have your integrity and your principles connected with your higher self, your intuition becomes firing on all cylinders and that's what I feel like is happening in my life today. So coming back to that question soon, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. Thanks so much. All right, this is gonna be the last one of our day. Jane Pease says, personal question. Would you be turned off if a female sent you a funny Jif stories with F-bombs in them? Is that too masculine? Would you be turned off by that? No, because I actually like to think I have a sense of humor. I wouldn't be turned off by that. Here's the thing. Now I guess the question is if it's some random woman sending it, it's one thing. If it's a woman that has romantic interest for me but I have no romantic interest for her, then it might feel a little awkward. I will respond, but I may not respond in kind, unless there is attraction in my part. And I think there's shared values, blendable lifestyles, emotional maturity. And certainly if my partner, folks, I really don't curse that much. I curse really in my professional life because this, I think this is all ludicrous. I think when I say ludicrous, it is absolutely hilarious how fucked up human beings are. I just find it absolutely hilarious. This is one of the things I love about when I take mushrooms, because you see the absurdity of it all because people hyper focus on the bullshit and they don't hyper focus on what brings them true joy in their life. Human beings hyper focus on the bullshit instead of what brings them true joy. And in my world, I think humor is one of the most important facets. I have a very warped sense of humor. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. I have a dark sense of humor, the whole Shabam. So F-bombs alike, I have no problems with that whatsoever. Jane P, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, folks, it's Friday night. It's the holidays. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving out there. I over ate my belly is out to here right now. I don't know what you did for Thanksgiving, although by the time you're watching this, Thanksgiving is already over. I hope you had a fabulous holiday. I wanna thank you all from the bottom of my heart for supporting my channel. Please hit the like button if this resonated with you. Please share my channel to your friends. If you'd like some love and support, check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. If you can't afford coaching, join my private group where you can have direct access to me. Purchase my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway or follow me on Instagram so we can stay connected. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan Bear a hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to a friend, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because let's face it, love, let's face it, we could all use a lot more love in our lives and hugs are a great source of love. So thank you so much. I wanna say goodbye to Sherry, to Catherine, to Susie, to Jane, to Colleen, to Kelly, to Kim, to Sherry, Allie, Vicky. And if I said names over again, I wanna thank you all so much, wishing you a super duper wonderful evening. Bye-bye now. I'm gonna keep looking, hugs, hugs, hugs to you all. Thank you so much.