 Alright, so chances are that if you're here at this video, you'll have watched the new Shane Dawson conspiracy theory video with Brittany Louise Taylor. And while Shane might be wondering how to help Brittany Louise Taylor, a ton, a ton of us know somebody who has gotten out of an abusive relationship and we might be wondering how to help them as well. So that's exactly what we're going to be talking about in this video. What is up everybody? This is Chris from the Rewired Soul where we talk about the problem, but focus on the solution. And if you're new to my channel, my channel is all about mental health and what I like to do is pull different topics from the YouTube community to try to teach you how to improve your mental and emotional well-being. So if you're into that stuff, make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell. And first and foremost, I just want to send out a huge, huge thank you to everybody who came out to join myself and Matt for the first episode of the Unsolicited Advice podcast, which we streamed yesterday over on our YouTube channel. So if you want to go check it out, go check it out. But a huge thanks to everybody who sat there. Like we did like a two hour long show. Most of our videos are going to be, or the streams are going to be one to two hours long and a lot of you stayed the entire time. So I've already received some messages asking when it's going to be up on like Apple podcast and like Google podcast and things like that. This is our first time doing this. So right now we are waiting for it to get approved to go up there. So I will keep you posted. Make sure you're following me over on Instagram and Twitter at the Reward Soul. So you don't miss it when they go live on the streaming services. All right, cool. So yeah, of course, if you're here, if you're here at this video, chances are that you saw the new Shane Dawson conspiracy theory video with Brittany Louise Taylor, where they talk about her abusive relationship. And by the way, real quick, as I was researching this video, I was thinking about going a different direction with it. And I came across a video that Brittany Louise Taylor did not long ago about five dating warning signs, all right, to hopefully prevent somebody getting into the relationship that Brittany got in. So I'm going to link that down in the description below. Make sure that you go check it out because it's good to increase awareness and know how we can avoid that type of situation if at all possible. All right, I know a ton of you out there who are single. You are in the dating world. You might be doing online dating. That is how myself and my beautiful girlfriend Tristan met. So make sure you know what to look out for. All right. So anyways, in this video, I do want to talk about, you know, how to help a friend who has left an abusive relationship. They're a survivor. They are somebody who might be struggling with trauma, OK? So the first tip, you know, for Shane Dawson and any of you watching this video is do your research. Do your research, do your research, do your research. It is so important to do your research because what it is, is it will help you know what to ask, what not to ask, and all of that. Like it's 2019 people. Like go out and do your own research. Like it can be offensive to somebody who has been through a traumatic experience to poke and prod and ask them all these questions. Like go Google something and learn about it, OK? So I want to pull from this article from Psychology Today from Suzanne Babel, PhD. She's also an MFT. And in this article, she actually talks about the abuse cycle, OK? This was actually pulled from domesticviolence.org. So number one, an initial abusive incident occurs can be sexual, physical, or emotional. Two, tension builds with the abuser trying to quell their violent tendencies and the abuser trying to keep the peace until finally another incident happens. Three, make up. The abuser apologizes, often promising never to do it again, conversely, trying to shed blame by saying that the victim asked for it or is making a big deal out of nothing. Four, calm. Both parties act as if nothing is wrong and do their best to ignore the mounting problem, all right? So understanding this abuse cycle, this is something that Illymation and I talked about in the interview I did with her the other day on my channel, where like you get a bunch of people who don't understand this thing. And it could be an offensive question to be like, well, why didn't you just leave? Why didn't you leave? This cycle gets worse and worse and worse. Like there's gaslighting involved, like in the makeup part where they say, oh, you asked for it or you're making a big deal out of nothing. Like this begins to break a person down psychologically. What I mentioned in my last video is this is a power and control type situation. So learn about these things so you're not asking these questions. But this is also helpful for abuse survivors to understand and cut yourself some slack and understand this. Because next, what it says in the Psychology Today article is, this cycle can repeat itself endlessly with the victim playing a prescribed role that is just as predictable as the perpetrators. Eventually, the makeup and calm stages get shorter and the abusive stages often get longer. After a period of time, it is not uncommon for victims of domestic violence, like victims of all types of abuse and trauma, to develop the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, also known as PTSD. And because studies have proven that those who suffer from PTSD can be inclined toward violence, the cycle of abuse repeats itself through generations and it's hard to break. For victims for whom domestic violence leads to PTSD, they struggle with a long-term psychological disorder that can be challenging to diagnose and conquer. So what that's saying is too, is like, how it gets worse, these periods getting shorter, the abusive period is getting longer. But this is why I'm extremely proud of Brittany Louise Taylor for getting her son Rex out of that situation, okay? For a variety of reasons. It is a statistically proven fact that children who grow up, not blow up, grow up in an abusive household, they are more likely to become either A, abused when they get older, or B, become an abuser when they get older because at a young age that is becoming normalized. Like this is why I try to teach everybody that we need to be better, we need to look at what we can control and part of it is working on your anger and things like that so you do not allow your child to grow up in that environment or you need to exit that environment like Brittany Louise Taylor did. Something I've also talked about is that it is also statistically proven that children who grow up in a household with addicted parents, alcohol, or drugs, they're more likely to either A, become addicted themselves, or B, fall in love with somebody who is an addict themselves, all right? So this is why it's important to get out of these situations or break the cycle so you don't continue it on for generations to come. Now, for all of you who are a friend of somebody or has a loved one who is getting out of an abusive relationship, like one of the best things that you can do is know what you can and cannot control, all right? Like this is extremely important, like trust me, I get it, I get it so, so, so much. Working in mental health treatment, like I wish, I wish I could just take everybody's pain away, their trauma away, and all of these things, right? But like, for example, I know a lot of you relate to Shane Dawson. A lot of you, you replied to me on Twitter when I asked you which YouTubers you can relate to. And Shane is somebody who talked about with Katie Morton in his video, The Dark Side of Jake Paul with the whole like sociopath controversy thing, where he is somebody who tries to save and help people. But you guys, in order to keep our sanity and in order to help others, we have to understand what we can and cannot do. Like you guys, like I would never be able to be in the career that I am in if I thought that I could fix everybody. If I thought that I could fix all of you, I would go absolutely insane. This was a very hard lesson for me to learn when I first got in the field. Like when the relapse started to happen with the clients or even when I started learning about overdoses and deaths, you know, and all those things, like it would drive me absolutely bonkers because I'm sitting there and saying, what could I have done? What could I have done? And like that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just I have to keep it in check. You have to keep it in check. Shane Dawson has to keep it in check, right? Because it's a good thing because it means that we care. All right, so the way I use that is it makes me want to learn more and be better at my job to help more people. But at a certain point, we can only do so much. But like also understand that you cannot take away their trauma or their pain. Like at the end of the day, this is where tough love comes in. They have to be responsible for their recovery. So Shane Dawson actually did a video with Katie Morton, the YouTube therapist, right? Well, she's a real therapist on YouTube. But it was called The Mind of Shane Dawson. And he talked with her about, you know, what happened after the Jake Paul series and what he was going through. They had a conversation and all of that. And something that Shane had to learn in that situation was boundaries. Okay, like this is extremely important. So all of you, like you have to understand like I get it, we want to take all that stuff away from them. But we also have to set up boundaries or we can get sucked into their pain with them. And then nobody is getting help. So the biggest thing that you have to learn is that the person you are trying to help has to have the willingness to get better, okay? Okay, so now that we understand that recovery is the responsibility of the person who is trying to overcome this, all right? One of the best things that you can do is listen, okay? Just listen. Be there for them and just listen. I know when we're listening, we want to chime in. We want to give them their advice. We want to give them tips. Again, this can be offensive to some people, okay? So just sit there and listen. Like I love my girlfriend Tristan because like one of the things is like if I'm going through something, if I'm stressing, like sometimes I can just say like, hey, I just need to vent. I just need you there to listen. This is actually something I talk about in a collab I did with RKVC that's coming out pretty soon. But anyways, just be there and listen, okay? You don't have to do anything. You don't have to say anything. A good question to ask in that situation is can I do anything to help? Ask them that question, all right? Because there are things that you might be able to do to help. If they're feeling stressed, if they're feeling overwhelmed, whatever it is, like maybe they're just like, you know what? I need groceries. Can you go to the grocery store for me? Cool, get a list. Go to the grocery store for them, all right? But that's when boundaries come in too. Like don't just keep going to the grocery store for them, because at a certain point, if you keep doing everything for them, you are actually helping them stay sick, okay? So maybe after you do it a few times, then that's when it's like, hey, why don't you come with me to the grocery store, right? Be there with them and all of that. You see what I'm saying? So you can help them without doing everything for them. You cannot recover for another person, all right? The next thing you can do is help them find a therapist, okay? One thing that you should do is called motivational interviewing, all right? This is a therapeutic technique that everybody should learn, go Google it, but TLDR, basically what it is, is asking questions to help the other person come to their own conclusions, right? Like some people are stuck in the problem and they don't know what the solution is. So here's a motivational interviewing question you can ask, right? Have you ever considered going to therapy? And like, I am telling you, after doing this for years and working with other people, like this, something that simple, can just, bing, flip a light switch on. Like they might have not even considered going to therapy. So you just asking, have you considered going to therapy? Help them come to their own conclusion. One of the reasons why this type of technique is beneficial is because people can get defensive. People get standoffish, all right? Like there's a big difference between, have you thought about going to therapy or you need to go to therapy? You know what I mean? I know the inflection of my voice changes, but just think about the way a question comes off and the way like saying like they should do something like a demand or an order comes off, all right? Now, if the person is in a state and they haven't found a therapist, something that you can do is research therapists for them, okay? Look up therapists in your area, see which ones help with trauma, abuse and all that. Like when it comes to Shane Dawson and Brittany Louise Taylor, I don't know, but I would assume she's been in therapy. This is an assumption. Maybe I'll find out more when I, you know, have the time to check out her book. But like, if she wasn't, what Shane Dawson could do is research therapists, see which ones specialize in, you know, survivors of domestic violence, abuse and all of that, right? You get a list of phone numbers, you give it to that person. Do not call the therapist for them and set up an appointment, okay? Unless it gets to a certain point where you feel you need to do that. Again, like you are basically the person's training wheels, okay? Do little things for them to help get them started, but they have to take responsibility for their recovery, all right? The next thing you can do, say they set up that appointment with a therapist. Like something that you can do because a lot of people are afraid to go to therapy for the first time is offer to go with them. Offer to go with them as emotional support. Now, you might not be able to sit in their session with them, like for, you know, in some states, I think it's like, you know, against like HIPAA laws and all of that, unless you're doing like some kind of relationship therapy, or it might just be the therapist, they would rather meet with the person one-on-one. But again, you can't do it for them. So just go with them, sit in the waiting room, watch some YouTube videos, listen to an audio book or whatever, and go with them, okay? As emotional support. Now, again, just like everything else, you are their training wheels. Go with them to the first one, two, three sessions that they have, and then they gotta start doing it on their own. Unless like they don't have a car or whatever, give them a ride or whatever it is. But remember like, the goal is, the goal is that people will no longer need you to do all these things for them and they can be, you know, a fully self-supporting person, right? Like, I love that you guys keep coming to my channel and, you know, learning and all these other things. But something I often told my clients is like, what I hope for all of you is that eventually you won't need to call me to ask me for help or ask me for advice or anything like that. Not because I don't wanna talk to them, but I want them to have enough tools and enough confidence in their mental health journey that they don't need me, right? Because again, what if I go out and I get hit by a bus or a meteor or a dinosaur eats me or whatever it is tomorrow, okay? So we wanna help the person get to the place where they can do it on their own, all right? But anyways, if you are an abuse survivor, let me know things that I didn't mention in this video that you would like people to know that might be able to help you, all right? Let me know down in the comments below. And real quick, shout out to my friend, Kaleila. She has a channel called Post Traumatic Victory. She is an abuse survivor who struggles with PTSD and she has a mental health channel so she's been one of my bestest friends in the YouTube community. Since I got started, I'll link her channel down in the description, go check it out. Again, make sure you go subscribe to our podcast channel on Solicited Advice and follow me on Instagram and Twitter where I will let you know as soon as the podcast is live on streaming services, all right? But anyways, that's all I got for this video. If you liked this video, please give it a thumbs up. If you're new, make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell because I make a ton of videos and a huge, huge thank you to everybody supporting the channel over on Patreon. You are all amazing and don't forget I just posted the February Q&A so make sure you go ask your questions if you haven't yet and if you would like to join in click or tap on that Patreon icon, all right? Thanks again for watching, I'll see you next time.