 Hi everybody and welcome back to our blog from the Kamasutra to 2020 where we respond to your questions, your concerns, even your worries around all things to do with sex and sexuality. So as always we have with us Dr. Anvita Madan Bahel. Anvita is a psychosexual therapist and she brings the clinical perspective to the advice that the Kamasutra has to give. Welcome Anvita. Thank you Seema and welcome to our blog this week. So Anvita, I thought today let's discuss the question of masturbation. Again, it's one of those questions that so many people write in about and it's men and women, dozens and dozens of messages every single week on this one subject. And even though some of them are very specific, most of them cover the same issue, the concern, the fear, the worry around masturbating, whether it's good for you whether it's sinful or not. And I think I can understand to some extent because I know that from our growing up years, there have been so many myths around masturbation. I mean there's so much guilt attached to it. We've been told constantly it's a bad thing. If you masturbate, it'll lead to blindness. This will happen that, you know, it's just been such a bad thing altogether. And I think it's generally because the idea of pleasure was such a bad thing around sex that you were told that anything that was pleasurable was just not okay altogether. And I think that's where the myths generally came from. But when it comes to masturbation, what are your thoughts on it? I think first let's define masturbation for maybe some of the viewers who don't know what we're talking about. Masturbation is self-pleasure, basically individuals pleasure themselves and there might or might not be a second person. So it's a relationship between an individual and them pleasuring themselves. This is gender agnostic, so both men and women masturbate. And it's one of the most normal or natural or healthy things that people participate in. Because a lot of times it can release a lot of our sexual energy and also help us build a relationship with our sexuality. That's how we get to know what we like and we dislike. I'm so glad to hear you say that. I know you've always said that the psychological community within this arena, they always feel that it's a good thing for people. And yet every single question, no matter what part of masturbation they address, whether it's men or women, the last sentence is always, is it okay? Is it a sin? And I find it so frustrating that we look at every part of our sexuality as something bad, as something sinful. And the idea that this is just something that you're doing for yourself, for your own pleasure to release stress, it should not be considered a sin and certainly not be considered bad. And I think that, like you mentioned earlier, because sex and sexuality is so consumed by morality and stigma and taboo and all of those things, that the idea that sex should only be something that we do to have babies and nothing else. And masturbation is very much of our self pleasure. There's no babies being produced by it. There's no partner in the picture. It's only me and myself in some ways in this. And it is purely for self pleasure, or like you said, it has been proven that it helps with stress release and people feel relaxed after it. They feel calmer or more peaceful after it. And also that it is, you know, for younger people, they are learning about their body through masturbation, you know, because it's sometimes difficult to have a partner. So the first step of actually understanding your own body and your sexual self might or might not be masturbation. You know, that's always the second question is, is it bad for my health? So I guess you answered that by saying it is definitely not bad for your mental health. Is it bad for your physical health? No, not at all. We found no links between masturbation and any medical illness, as in there are no links between those two. And then it has never seemed to have a correlation with a physical or a medical problem. Excellent. So the next one that I that I'm kind of going with the ones that you get the most amount of questions on the next one is always I'm addicted to masturbation. And so and I know that we've worked with a lot of clients on that question together, because that comes always as a concern. And a lot of times when I ask them when you say what do you mean by addicted, they would say, Oh, I masturbate three times in a week, or I masturbate every day. So firstly, I think people should ask the question of what does being addicted to masturbation mean, you know, it's not even we have a book called the DSM five, it's not even a disorder in the DSM five. So is there really a thing called addicted to masturbation. So if I simplify it a little bit, there is nothing, you know, if you're addicted to anything, be it masturbation, alcohol, you know, sex, porn, whatever, the criteria simply will be, is it interfering with your daily functioning. So are you not being able to go to work, are you not being able to eat, are you not being able to attend your responsibilities as a partner or as a family member or, you know, you're not reaching meetings on time and you're getting delayed or as a student you're not actually attending classes. If it is interfering with your daily functioning, then yes, there is something to be concerned about. But however, if you're masturbating once twice or five times, but you're being able to attend to all your responsibilities, then we don't call it addiction in any way. So don't worry so much. If you're masturbating, maybe even multiple times a day. There is nothing known as addiction. The only thing I know we mentioned it in one session before is that if you masturbate too much, you might feel soreness. They might, you know, they might because of the friction, they might be a little bit of swelling or discomfort that you might experience. But that's because of the excessive, you know, friction that is taking place. And masturbating is not going to reduce a man's ability to have children, for instance, not going to suddenly decrease his sperm count or something. No, so this is a big myth that always comes up that, you know, if I masturbate, I'm losing semen and then that semen comes in a finite quantity. Semen does not come in a finite quantity. It is unlimited. There are unlimited supplies of it. So just because you masturbate, it doesn't mean that, you know, there is a pot of semen and that pot of semen will get over. There is an unlimited supply. So in some ways it's like a tap, you're just opening it and then, but there is a flow always there, you know, there's a supply of semen always there. Tell me something. There has been one person who's written and said that since he started masturbating, he finds that he's losing weight and that he feels that his, his penis is actually becoming thinner. Now, do you think that this is something that can happen with masturbation or do you think that this person needs to seek help because it might be another issue altogether? Yeah, you know, I think one would have to investigate this further than just give a simple answer as they masturbation has no correlation with losing weight. When we think about an erect penis, all it means is that the blood, you know, there are lots of blood vessels in the penis and basically that the blood is rushing into the penis and that's why it has the erection. Now, there could be reasons for why the blood doesn't rush in and they could be some medical reasons behind it. But, but I think what would be important is to go and get a medical checkup done. I don't, but there is no correlation between weight loss and masturbation. Okay, now there's also a bunch of people who've written in and this is on both sides of the spectrum. So a bunch of guys who's written in and said that they find that they've been masturbating so much that their erections have become weak. And others who said we've stopped masturbating now and now our erections have become weak. Yeah, you know, I just, I once again, there is, there is no correlation between erections and masturbation. There might have been something that has happened while you were masturbating that maybe is not letting you have a full erection, you know, it could be a bad experience or a bad thought. Then, and there might be something there that's more psychological. But, you know, physically, you can't really sometimes actually people get scared saying, I think I broke my penis while masturbating, like I was so vigorous, I broke it. That's not something that can happen. You know, it's not a bone that can break. So that also, but I know people worry a lot about that. And that's not something that can happen. It's incredible how much actually people worry about this idea of masturbation. It's like, it's possibly the most worrying thing amongst human beings. And I just don't understand. And I know that you've said that there's no correlation between health and masturbation that the medical community have found. But I've actually said all these questions, because these are the ones coming in and I want people to hear it, literally to know that it's okay. You know, that's why I'm asking you to actually articulate it. So thank you so much for saying that, Anwarth. And I really hope it puts a lot of people's mind to rest now. So I just want to say something. So one of the things that we need to consider is that there are some medical conditions that will impact people's erection quality, right? And that will be something to do with cardiovascular disease or diabetes. And that impacts people's quality of erection, you know, how soon or how long they can have an erection. And that is actually sometimes when there is an inability to have an erect penis, if there's an erectile disorder, one of the first things we say is, have you gone and checked for sugar and any heart disease? So that is a correlation. You know, there is a medical correlation there. But there's no correlation with masturbation. Even with the kamasutra says that if you try and have sex after eating, where your stomach is bloated, you can't get good erection because you need to have lots of blood flow going to the sexual organs. And if you've just eaten, the body's energy goes towards digesting the food. So yeah, there are different times when it's not useful to try and have sex, but because you won't have good sex. But that's not necessarily to do with masturbating or not masturbating. Again, with that, now I want to address yet another myth. Now, whenever we talk about masturbation, we only ever talk about men. But of course, women also masturbate. They equally self pleasure. But we somehow don't seem to consider it as much. And I don't know why. And interestingly, women, of course, as I'm sure you're going to talk about this masturbation. So many different ways because they have the capacity to masturbate almost mentally sometimes without even penetrating or touching any part of their body. But what is also really interesting is that the kamasutra has quite a lot to say about women's masturbation. Now, it doesn't talk very much about men's masturbation, but it does speak a great deal about women's masturbation because it says that a woman takes so much longer to come to pleasure. And that it was very important to bring a woman to pleasure before sex even was started because it takes her that much longer to have her orgasm. And so there are entire chapters written about how to use the fingers to pleasure a woman. What sort of other different sexual aids and toys and things should be used to pleasure a woman. And that it doesn't necessarily have to be done by herself alone that her partner also had to learn how to be able to pleasure her in this way. So that is really interesting because I feel so much of it is lost, you know, I feel like today women truly believe that masturbation is only for men, they don't even try it. When in our clinics we ask what's your masturbation routine because that's a set question that we ask everybody and they look at us and they think masturbate like women don't masturbate. And it is, you know, and but there's some women who will say oh I started masturbating at this age I masturbate every day and they have a whole routine. And then the others would just look at you like that's the craziest idea that I'm asking you know that that doesn't exist. And like you said, women masturbate in very many different ways. So just want to break some myth because the image we have, you know, of masturbation a lot of times is penetrative sex so women try to insert a finger or you know try other ways. So what I do want to say is that a clitoral when you you know masturbate clitori when you're trying to pleasure the clitoris. That's the easiest way to masturbate so it might not every individual is different so they might find pleasure in different ways. But I'm just saying that the clitoral masturbation is the easiest masturbation. And of course there's some women who will use vibrators or fingers and other things. So that is something that is possible. Sorry. I was just going to say you know which is my favorite from the one that the Kamasutra says it's really interesting because like you said, some people will use fingers and so on and sort of penetrate more deeply. So it talks about different types of fingers and it says that in Ayurveda, each finger has its own energy so there's earth, air, water, wind and fire. And it says that when you combine fingers in different ways, the energy changes and the shape of your fingers changes so you could have three fingers together you could have two, you could have this and this I mean there are all sorts of combinations. The shape changes the energy changes and hence the sensations change. And it's an entire study on it. And it also says I must add that the forefinger is not good to use on its own because it's too powerful, and it won't pleasure you it'll just agitate you so just for women out there who are listening. It's worth noting, but my favorite one, I have to tell you the story is that they used to use these little balls of silver so they were little tiny balls. One of them had a little conquer in it like a little bell. And the other one would have a drop of mercury in it. And they were tied with a little ribbon and you would insert it inside you lubricate yourself properly so that you know it was nice and smooth and they're very smooth little tiny balls, and you'd insert it and then you do your housework. And as you did your housework the mercury would get heated up and it would actually vibrate and it would pleasure you while you did your housework it would just keep you happy. And the musical sound was supposed to just be a really good accompaniment to the whole thing. And I just think it's fantastic that so much thought went into the pleasure of women. I, you know, I, it's, it's so exciting to hear you say that and at the same time I feel so sad because I think we've lost so much of it and where I think men because the penis is in the exterior. It just becomes an automatic thing and people think I need to pleasure it I need to like figure it out I just know how to masturbate various masturbation is so essential for women. Because that's where they learn about their body that's where they learn about the different parts of the vagina. And so many women don't know and might be in a relationship and don't know where the penis should penetrate you know which part of it. So I actually so heartwarming to hear everything that was written and so exciting and I really wish some of these traditions come back and women try it. And you know I'm with this little thing with the two silver balls was so popular that it actually became a black market trade during the East India Company's time in India. Because the the East India officials would actually come there and they'd heard about these magical little silver balls and everybody was wanting to buy these up. And the locals in India decided that they could sell them with some other liquid instead of mercury. Because it was cheaper and easier to find another liquid than fill it with mercury. And there's a couple of papers written by East India Company officials about how if you're buying these, make sure that you actually hold the balls rub them in your hand. This is how you test out whether or not it's the real thing or not so it was. I mean I'm just fascinated with the fact that this idea of women's pleasure was obviously not such a bad or secret thing but it's just been treated as such a bad thing. Seema I think it's time to start a line from your name Seema Anand Silver Balls. I think we need that production again. I think you'll have lots of people wanting these silver balls. I think it sounds fascinating that it was there and it would be joined with Kegel exercises. We can just make them a little bit better and then it could be Kegel exercises as well. Absolutely. Actually the Kegel exercises, do you want to tell our audiences about maybe one little Kegel exercise that they could try just, you know, in terms of measuring themselves. Yeah, yeah. So a Kegel exercise or pelvic floor exercises is something that we suggest to both men and women to relax their pelvic floor muscles. And it is really, really essential, especially for women, especially after pregnancy if they've delivered a baby, the vaginal muscles tend to become a little bit weak. And literally all you need to do for men and women both is basically squeeze your buttock in your, you know, vaginal area basically as if you were going to stop pee. Like if you had a pee coming and you're stopping how to pee, like exactly just squeeze it, count it maybe five and then relax. So you squeeze it just literally like if you feel like going to urinate or pee and you know how you contract your muscles there. Just contract your muscles count to five and then relax and you can do this sitting anywhere anytime. People don't notice I just did two while talking to you while explaining so you can do it anywhere and it's really helpful for the pelvic floor muscles. And I think that's a really good one I do hope everybody will try it after they've heard us talk about this. I know that you've already said that the medical community do not think that there is anything harmful or bad about masturbating. It is a good thing. Generally, it's really beneficial. But I'm going to ask you this question one more time because again the women have written in each time and said, does it impact women's health in any way. It does not impact in women's health in any way. In fact, I would say it definitely helps in their sexual and mental health, it helps them. Because think about it suddenly you're aware of your body suddenly you'll be aware of, is there a sensation is there burning is there you know is penetration possible, you will learn so much about it. One of the things that we really need to understand is masturbation allows us to fantasize and imagine where we find pleasure, you know places fantasies body you know what we like. And that's half the battle when we think about having sex, you know, it's about the thoughts are present the feelings are present, and then we can move on to the physical aspect. So in some ways it's a really amazing tool to connect with our fantasies. And I want to say actually under that that I find in men and women of course but particularly in women because the narrative has been that pleasure is really for the man it's not necessarily for the woman that the idea of finding your own source of pleasure to know that you actually feel it that you have that ability inside you is very empowering. It actually makes you feel a lot better about yourself to know that you have a source of pleasure, and that you are permitted to have that source of pleasure. Absolutely and I, you know, so many times we work with women because it always becomes is like you teach my partner my partner is not getting it right my thing, and we keep saying, you are responsible for your own sexual pleasure, own it, learn it, find out about it. And when we accept that sexual pleasure is something that we enjoy and we like and we want half the battle is one automatically you will see that your sex life will become better. Like you said the problem is there's so much to boo and shame around it that we actually build a relationship of guilt and shame, rather than of empowerment and feeling pleasure, when it comes to masturbation. So I think if we are going to leave everybody with a gist of everything that we've said that, you know, the medical community do not think that there is any correlation between masturbation and illness. As a matter of fact, they believe that it's a good thing, and that you recommend that everybody should masturbate at some point or the other to either release stress release their sexual energy, or even just to access their own sexuality and to build a relationship with themselves. Is there anything that you want to say about age, like, is it, does it make a difference what age you are. Absolutely not like we will be surprised that you know that we will still find a way women even in the ages of like 70s 80s or men and the ages of like 70s 80 still continue to masturbate. Obviously it might take a little bit longer. They might actually also find ways of masturbating without an erection or women might use lubrication because they might be vaginal dryness, but age has no correlation. The only thing that I would say is that, that, you know, when we meet a lot of young people, a lot of people in maybe college and otherwise, they speak about frequently masturbating, you know, multiple masturbating maybe multiple times a day. And sometimes they get scared by that idea. They think, Oh my God, there must be something wrong with me. Why do I need it so many times. Because it's not interfering in your daily functioning. Don't worry about it. It's just the hormones and it's just the excitement of it. It's all right. There's nothing wrong with you. And you know what I would like to say if I had to give the advice from the Kamasutra because Kamasutra is very much about pleasure, and wherever they feel that two people can find pleasure together they really really recommend that. What I would like to say is take a leaf out of the Kamasutra and see if you can actually help each other to masturbate if you do have a partner, a lot of people masturbate because sometimes they're on their own. And sometimes they feel that it's something that should be done by themselves. It's actually a great way to pleasure each other. It makes a difference from regular sex, which means that it'll add a bit of variety to your sexual life, but actually help each other masturbate or do it for the other person and you'll find that it adds a lot of excitement and just a little bit of spice to whatever you're doing. Yeah, and don't judge your partner for masturbating. So many couples come and ask and we ask them, what is your masturbation routine? And they're like, oh, I have a committed partner now. How can I masturbate? The other person will feel offended. You know, just because you have a partner doesn't mean masturbation needs to stop. It is something that you're doing for your own pleasure, your own sexual health and everything. And if you are a partner, don't feel offended if somebody's masturbating. Like, think about it, say if you masturbated in the morning fantasizing your partner, the next time you have sex, it'll be very exciting. So stop judging masturbation. A lot of people judge it and think, oh, it's only meant when you're single. It's totally normal that couples, each individual couple will masturbate at some point or the other. You can have sex and you can masturbate. That is a really brilliant point, actually. I hadn't thought of that and I think you're so right because when people are in a committed relationship, they feel guilty because they think, no, no, this is the wrong thing to do because now I have somebody and they try and hide it from each other even more. So yeah, don't judge each other for this. And they actually then make it all dirty. They'll do it in the toilet, on top of a toilet, not in a nice place and especially for women, they might hide themselves rather than have candles around them while they're masturbating. So it then actually makes the relationship even worse. You feel more guilty, more dirty about it. It's normal, it's natural. Do it openly. Talk to your partner if you have. It will be part of the foreplay if you speak about that you thought of them and masturbated or masturbated thinking of a fantasy. So it'll be part of the foreplay. I love that. Thank you. I hope that we have managed to bust some of the myths. I hope that we've managed to put some of your concerns at rest and I certainly hope that we've managed to answer most of the questions that you've sent in. As always on the video, do like, comment, subscribe. If you have more questions, send them in. God, I always forget my email address. info.seema.onan at gmail.com. And of course if you need to consult with Anvita, connect with her directly on anvita madanbehealth.com. We'll see you next week. We'll see you next week.