 The Anderson family. Now, Oliver, just because you're not doing the lead in the new play, why don't you be a good sport? Oh, this phony producer they got this time. Why didn't they get Bill Spencer again? And do that corny-bar-X murder, Mr. Pops? Well, it's better than this bedlam they've picked out. Hey, here, Mr. Schultz, the butcher has a part, Pop. Schultz? Why, he can't even weigh meat. Just goes to show you all hams aren't on hooks. Yeah, and I can't do a thing with Martha since she's got this theater in her blood. You mean even Martha's got a part, too? Oliver, I'll just give up the lead. No, I won't spoil anything for you. But the way you're carrying on, dear. I'll start another play. I'll do my own lead. Uh-oh, here we go again, folks. Now let's visit the Anderson's. Well, this whole thing started with the Anderson family when Mary was chosen for the community play. Oliver, who'd been the lead last time, has been left out by the new producer of the play. However, Oliver doesn't know this yet, and as he and Mary drive home, Mary figures she'll break the news easy. I'm so sorry you had to wait ten minutes, Oliver. But the new director gave us a little talk after the rehearsal, and I just couldn't walk out. What kind of a fellow is this new director? Oh, he's supposed to be one of the greatest dramatic coaches of the continent. What continent? I'm not sure, dear. His accent seems to be French. I see. Is he, uh, well, good-looking? Well, I'd say he was more, uh, well, distinguished-looking. I see. Did you, uh... tell him I did the lead in the play last year? I know, dear. I didn't. I didn't think it would matter much to him. He's also doing the lead himself. No, he would. What's that? Oh, nothing, nothing. I... I don't see anything wrong in the way I did the play last time. I don't see anything wrong in the way Bill Spence produced the play, either. Oh, well, Mrs. Thompson is the new chairman, and she decided to use a great personality to direct this button. Says it's better box office. Well, I don't know. They seem to like me, all right? Oh, of course they did, dear. And you did a very good job, too. Of course, Mrs. Slipnickle, who played opposite you didn't help you much. Well, I'll say she didn't. Whoever saw a leading lady with three chins. You haven't seen many pictures lately. Well, regardless of that, what right did Mrs. Thompson have to go outside of the neighborhood to get some long-haired dramatic expert? Oh, he's not long-haired, Oliver. Well? In fact, he's very charming. The girls are all swooning. Oh, they are, huh? I think it's his eyes. The way he looks at you. You mean with that sort of a pool-hall look? Pool-hall look? I don't know what you mean. Skip it. Forget it. I didn't say anything. All I know is just from seeing him once. The look in his eyes. They seem so melancholy. So sad. Well, I'll tell you this, Mary. If he gets too friendly, one of his eyes is going to look a little sadder than the other. Why, Oliver Addison, you ought to be ashamed of yourself talking like that. You never met the man. No, but you have sad eyes. And he's so soft-spoken. He gets so much done without raising his voice. So calm. Probably just an act. You don't think he's the only one with a calm voice, do you? I didn't say he was. Watch out, Oliver, that car! Why that? Why don't you learn to drive your nitwit? Oh, Oliver, what a display of temper. Well, you saw what he did. Cut right in the head of me there. I don't see where there's any excuse for raising your voice. Oh, you mean I'm a sort of embarrassing after an afternoon with a new director? I hate to see you act this way, dear. It's not like you. There's nothing I can do to get you the lead. I don't want the lead. I'm just burned up that they gave Bill Spencer the gate for this guy. Well, I don't think it's really up to you, dear. And anyhow, the person to take that up with is Mrs. Thompson. I'm not taking it up with anybody. I should think you'd insist that I did the lead. I know your moods so well. Oh, Monsieur knows them. Monsieur? Mm-hmm. Monsieur to chez les jours. Sounds like a deodorant. Oh, why, Oliver? I actually think you're jealous. I'm no such thing. You sound very much as though you were. Oliver, why are you driving so fast? Fast? I haven't noticed it. Is this better? Safer. Oliver? Yeah? Shall I give up the play? Nope. Would you quit taking it to heart so much if I go on with it? I should think you'd be proud of me. I am. But I think you can do a better job of acting opposite me. What's the name of the play? Lily's for the lady. Lily's for the lady. Oh, I wish you'd take more interest in it, Oliver. Monsieur is so kind and thoughtful. That's sporkingly. Who else is in the play? Well, there's Martha. She's the landlady. Martha? Mm-hmm. Why, she can't act. Oh, she only has two lines. And she's paying for the rattle of the chairs. Bribery, huh? Oh. What does Homer think about Martha being an actress? I have no idea. Darling, do one favor for me. Will you, when Monsieur comes out this evening? Well, sure. He's coming out to our house? Yes. He feels I need some special coaching. Oh, he does? Mm-hmm. Sad eyes. Calm voice. Hey! Look where you're going, you stoop! Oh, hi, Briggs. Just getting home? Well, no. I've been down to the butcher shop. Oh. You aren't sick, are you, Oliver? Sitting out here at the porch like this? Sick? No, of course not. I'll just sit here thinking. Sometimes you can think better when you're alone. Well, I see where Berry's going to do the lead in the play again this year. Yeah. You're doing the bay lead again, I take it. Well, no. They've imported it. Oh, they've imported someone to direct the new play. You mean Bill Spencer isn't going to direct it again? Oh, he's out. Nice fellow, too. We work well together. Gee, wasn't that last play a dandy? It had some nice scenery. Yeah, pretty good acting, too. Yes, Berry is good in her part, all right. Well, you're going again this year. You bet I am. I'd like to see what this new director has up his sleeve. I'd kind of like to see how Schultz does his part. Schultz the butcher? Old short-weight Schultz? That's the fellow. That's him. Do you consider him an actor? Why, he can't even cut me. Yeah, it just goes to show you all the hams aren't on hooks. I hear Homer Beister's quite burned up that he isn't in the play again this year. Hmm, left Homer out, too, huh? Maybe I ought to go see Homer. I know how he feels. I think you'll find him in his garage. There's a light in it. Been a bad boy again, huh? Hey, open up. It's Oliver. What's the barricade for? You expecting trouble? Expecting it? Nope. I've had it. Hey, close the door. I don't get it. Locking yourself out here in the garage. It's a long story, Oliver. Oh. I'm a disillusioned... Disillusioned? Yep, yep, that's it. My heart's broke. Hey, close that door. Well, come on. What's wrong? Well, I just don't know how to begin. But first off, I ain't going to be in the play this time. Shake hands with another has-been, Homer? Oh, you too! Oh, you mean you ain't in it neither? I'm right out in the cold like a milkman's horse. Oh, I'd like to take that there dramatic fella and twist into the hotter uncle, a busty... Well, now, of course, it's a different type of play this time, Homer. They aren't going to have any bar room seen this year. Oh, the 80. Oh. Well, there would have been if they'd left Bill Spencer directed again. Huh? While I'd done some good last time, he was going to let me have a taste of it. All by myself in the bar room seen this time. And, oh, boy, I'd have been to stand out. But I'm a trooper. I can stand it. Ha-ha. That's the way to talk, Homer. Yeah. By the way, did you see this new director? Yeah. Looks kind of pasty-faced, holler-eyed. Sad-eyed. Well, no. More like a couple of red lanterns hung over a hole. Looks hungry to me. How'd you meet him? You took Martha to the rehearsal today. Oh. Oh, I tell you, Oliver, when these women get the smell of it, that grease paint, oh, boy, terrible. You mean Martha's change? That's what she done, Oliver. And that's why I'm moving out here in the garage by myself. This fellow's got her talking to herself. Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that, Homer. You and Martha have been pulling double for some years now. Yep. She's been pulling one way, and I've been pulling the other. That's where it goes. But things look bright again first. It'll just drama thing happen. She promised to take the swing shift at Consolidated Foundry, and I saw good things ahead. But she'd give it up when this smooth-talking foreigner started going at her, who? You mean she's giving up the swing shift? Well, she sure is. Well, she ain't taking her welden helmet out the bags since she passed her the fizzy fit. Physical, physical. Yeah. Yeah, physical. Well, uh, when did you notice the change, Homer? Well, it's been kind of gradual. It started long about last summer. She bought a first set of slacks. I remember at that time I was worried, because there was a bright yellow. Yeah, I remember. Yeah, then a week later, she come home with one of them, one of them French beret things on her head. An abhorred look. Oh, well, I wouldn't let it worry me, Homer. You're the strongest personality of the two. I am, eh? Is that good? Well, sure. Yeah. I'd sure how shallow this theater business is. Improved her that a dog in the manger's worth two in the bush. Worth two in the bush, eh? Sure. Well, uh, how does that help? Well, do like I do. I'm not in the place, so when Monsieur de Toursure too late comes over this evening... You mean he's coming over to your house? Yeah, this evening. Oh, boy, you're going to stand first? Well, yes, I may let him in. Then I'll explain the things I don't like about him, kind of. Hey, can I join you? Oh, no, no, of course not. He's a great personality, so Mrs. Thompson says. Eh, you can't be crude, you know. No blackjack on this fellow. Oh, no, I don't believe it. I don't believe he's no famous director at all. I suspicioned him after I called all the studios and all them agency fellas, and nobody ever heard tell of him. Oh, you did. You think he's a phony? Well, I don't know, but I'm going to get to the bottom of it. I'm going to be able to go in my own home and not have someone tell me to please remove my hat and never to pick my teeth with a darning needle. Why, though, Marthy, she's got so high and mighty, I can't rest, bringing me home one of them long cigarette holders. Yeah. Next she'll want you to put a black silk ribbon on your glasses. Oh, boy. Hey, someone's coming. Homer? Yes, dear. Here's some more of your junk. Oh. Oh, Anderson. Hi, Marthy. I was just talking to Homer. It's no concern of mine what he does. Oh, now come on, Marthy. You don't mean that. Oh, I don't. Hmm. For years I knew I had talent, but he kept hiding it under a bushel and a welding helmet. I longed for the bright lights, the gaiety, wine, song, and things. But all I ever got was work, work, more money. Noon and night and a lot of abuse. Now it's my turn to express myself. Well, where do you think this play is going to get you? Go ahead and scoff, weasel. Oh, you. Remember, the world is a stooge. Stage. Stooge, stage. And we all play a part. Well, I got my part and I'm a-playing it till the last curtain falls. I'm a trooper too. But listen, doll. Don't doll me. Shorten, corny. I'm a-going on to bigger things. And I ain't a ride-and-side saddle. I'm a-going on and on and on. This is me big break. Yeah, but remember, Martha. Well, how about you remembering stinking up the last play we had? Well, now. Even made the rest of us look bad. So stand around and scoff. We have the thing- Well, I guess there's no more I can do. I better run on. Gosh, Oliver, I hate to see you go. I feel so all alone. You know, Martha's been a good woman all these years. And now the theater's in her blood. Oh, now, Homer, you can handle the situation. Now, just take it easy. Just speak right up and tell her who's boss and why. I did that. And? Then I'm out here alone in the garage, ain't I? Wishing I'd have never found out who was boss. You know, Homer? Uh... Know what, huh? Well, I was just thinking. No one seems to know this phony. So maybe this isn't on the level. I got an idea. Well, you have? Well, tell me all about it. Can I help? Sure, can, Homer. Now, look, this monsieur is coming over for an hour or two this evening. And I wait outside in the dark for a... No, no, no, no. Not that, not on my property. Let him go after he leaves our house. This is what you do. Now, you wait outside. Back to the Anderson family. Well, Mary has been appointed the lead in the community play, and Oliver is left out of the cast completely. And right now, Mary is in her room trying on her wardrobe for the play, and Oliver is getting very little comfort from his son, Junior. I can't understand why you take this thing so hard, Pop. Oh, it's just a principle of the thing, is all. But Mom is happier than I've ever seen her. Well, she's doing the lead, isn't she? Well, that might have something to do with it. Uh, Mrs. Meisters in it. I know that. And Mr. Schultz. I know that, too. Won't help the sale of tickets any, I'll tell you. Mom says, the impres... impresario's coming to our house tonight. Impresario? That's a laugh. What's an impresario, Pop? Well, you're an impresario. Well, he's a guy with long hair and short-hawned brains. There's a pool hall looking a calm voice. Gee, this I gotta see. Yeah, me, too. You stick around when he comes, and you'll see some fun. Shh, I hear Mom coming. Good evening, dear Puppet. Mary, what have you got on me? What have you got on me? Oh, Mom! Just my costume, Oliver. Yeah, but... it's not clear on me, is it? Well, yes, of course, that's all there is to it. I've seen more clothes on a bathing beauty. No, no, no, take it off. It's no good, Mary. I think it's keen, Pop. All those spangles, gee. I wasn't thinking about the spangles, Junior. But it's just something to wear in the play, Oliver. Yeah, but it's a little sort of... Well, you don't expect me to play the lead in a pair of slacks and a sweater, do you? Of course not, but you'll get an ammonia in this outfit. Better take it off before someone sees you in it. Oh, boy, wait till I tell the kids. That's my mom. Junior, go ahead, run along now while I discuss factions with your mother. Oh, gee, I wasn't saying anything, Pop. I didn't say you were saying anything. Now run on, get washed up. Yes, sir. Well, shall I give up the play? No. Well, then, please be nice to Monsieur. It's only for a few days, dear, and besides, you know you're my leading man every day. Now, please cooperate, Oliver. Gee, I am cooperating, aren't I? I've even learned two or three French phrases, so he won't think we're plebeian. He's here, Oliver. Do I look all right? That's too late now. Ah, bonsoir, Monsieur. This is the residence of Madame Anderson, n'est-ce pas? Uh, yes. Won't you enter, s'vauss? Hmm, uh... I do not understand. You wanted to see Mrs. Anderson, I believe. If you would be so kind, please. My hat, cane, gloves, and, uh... And please tell Madame Monsieur Touché-la-Jure is here. Uh, sure. I mean, I'm Mr. Anderson. Mrs. Anderson is in the study there. Won't you step this way? Oh, I am so sorry. Pardonz-moi. How's that? Oh, good evening, Monsieur. This is my husband, Oliver. I met the gentleman. Thank you. Ah, s'vauss. What is this, vauss? Excuse, excuse, Mr. Anderson. He speaks French with an accent. Possibly he meant to sit down. Yeah, that's it. Uh, Mary told me all about you. What a wonderful director you are. Don't charm me of her. And I might add that Madame Anderson is a very clever actress. Oh, uh, yes, she is. I played the lead opposite her in the last play we had. Quite a fine program, too. Yes, yes, so I understand. You were, uh, many-feek in your part. Well, gee, thanks. You were also a very debonair leading man. Well, no, I wouldn't say that. I understand that you also blew up in your line several times. Well, yes, I... I did no such thing, or... Well, yeah, I did twice, I guess. Ahem, Oliver, please put Monsieur's things in the hall closet. Things? Oh, oh, oh, yes, sure. Excuse me. Yeah, it is a pleasure, I assure you. I've been going over the first scene several times. Oh, I would not worry too much, Madame. You are a natural actress. And my guidance, you should become famous. Oh, well, we... I hadn't thought of theatricals as a career. Put your things on the chair there in the hall so you can find them easily when you leave. Oh, that is very kind of you. I do not know how long I will be... That's all right. We never go to bed until around 10. Oh, Monsieur, the theatre knows no time. A rehearsal takes as long as the director seems necessary. Even if it takes all night. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We'll try it once more, please. Perhaps it would help me if Mr. Anderson would give you the leadlight. Oh, you mean you want me to do a part? Well, good. Good night. Oh. I would appreciate it very much, here. Here is your part. Now, you enter stage right and you come down center. Take off your hat and say, Right this way. Then a smaller part. Oh, please, Oliver. Oh, all right. Now, in this scene, I'm buying the last pepper from a little news girl. It is I see, and she shakes from the miserable cold. I stop. I notice the pleading look in her eyes. I speak. You, poor child, the night is cold and you are so poorly clad. Right this way. No, no, no, no, no, please. No, no, just a moment, Mr. Anderson. Well, I see. Can't you grasp the tenseness of the scene? And why do you rush in like a sound of trash piles being tipped over? Do not say, Right this way. No, no, no, no, no. It's right this way right now. This? Shall we try it once more? Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, Mr. Anderson. No. Not right this way. Oh, please, oh, my dear, this man is impossible to set up. Look, my artistic nature strives to be so kind to you, but never. Never have I had so much trouble with one lie. Well, you see, there is much to get my teeth into. I've had a part a little bit longer if I could say, Right this way, sir. No, no, no. I will not allow you to pad your part. Look, Mr. Anderson. Listen to me. Yeah, I'm listening. Watch the phonetics. Watch the inflection. Well. Watch my facial expressions now. Yeah. Right this way. Oh, I don't know. I think I'm stale on the line. Maybe if I could come to the rehearsal with you. I do not wish to be unkind, Mr. Anderson, but Mr. Chapman, a neighbor of yours, is going to do that lie. Oh. Now, now, we do it this way. We will do the short scene ahead of your line, Mr. Anderson. Gotta sneak up on it, huh? Oliver. Well, with everything in your artistic soul, madame, please do the scene with me. Now, remember, the audience is crying. You are tearing their heart strings out. Now, now, go ahead. Oh, sir. Would you buy my last paper? You poor child. You have you no mother. My mother. She is gone. And have you no father. No one knows where my father is. Nobody's working, huh? Quiet! Well, listen. Here. You poor child. I have bought little, but sharing it with you is like sharing it with a sweet, scented rose. Hey, my wife. Oh. Oh, sir. I'm so sorry, sir. I've got a character, Mary. Oh, such people. Apologize. I forgot. I'm sorry. Maybe we should put the part aside. Oh, I'm so sorry. Maybe I'm working too hard. It's nearly midnight. Midnight? Oh, mon dieu, sacré, de brume, fromage, de bruit. Oh, my hat, my cane, my coat. Oh, sacré, bleu, my appointment. You mean another rehearsal somewhere else? No, no, no. A very important engagement. Oh, I must speed away on the wings of night. Well, here's your stuff. Oh, I hope we haven't made you late. Oh, no, no. It is not your fault. And thank you for your help. I kiss your hand, madame. You are a true artist of the theater, and I bid you a bonne nuit. Oh. And you, Mr. Andersen... Look out, madame. No, no. I cannot say it. Oh, mon dieu. He just left. Now do as we said. No, no, no. You don't have the time. Just slip on your overcoat. It won't be far in a hurry. You're still sitting up. Oh, I'm not tired. I'll just read a few minutes. Well, I'll go in and see if Junior's tucked in. I think you are a dear to help us out tonight. Well, Park wasn't really my type, you know. Andersen residents. Is you Homer? This is Mrs. T.K. Thompson. Has Mr. Touche Najou left? Well, yeah, just a few minutes ago. By the way, I was quite disappointed in not getting the lead again this time, Mrs. Thompson, and I thought... You had the lead last time, and we were satisfied. Yeah, I know. But don't you think you need a virile and aggressive man again in this play? Well, the committee seems to be... I know. But do you think it's the right type of a play? The play has been a pin. Yeah, yeah, but if you're raising money and you want a big crowd with a fellow like me, you get it. Oh, I... Well, yes, but it looked like rain that night, remember? Well, Mr. Rand... Well, for Mary's sake, I'll buy a ticket. That's very tight. Yeah. Good night, Mrs. Thompson. I'll put on my own play. I'll get Bill Spencer to direct it, and I'll give away a refrigerator with each ticket. Mrs. Thompson, looking for her lost sheep. Well, is that you, Homer? Oh, Homer, huh? Let me have it, Mary. Thanks, Mary. Hello, Homer. Hey, Homer. Yeah, go on. Just a chance. Sorry I had to go that far, Homer. Oh, I ain't sorry. I found out something. You did? Get... Hey, get your coat. Hurry up! Where are we going at this time of night? Down to Tony's Bulgeburger stand. But, Oliver, I don't want a hamburger. Homer? He's probably inside Tony's. Come on in. But, Oliver, I wouldn't eat in this place. It's so greasy looking. Oh, just order corn flakes. Come on. Do you see, Homer? Well, I brushed this smoke away here. Oh, here it is, right beside us, in this booth here. Hi, Homer. Hey, psst. Hey, get in here quick. Quick, Mary. Come on, sit down. I don't get it. Why the mystery? Oh, you'll see. I'll ring this little bell. I don't want a thing to eat, Oliver. Please. Oh, hey, hey, quiet. Here comes the waiter. You sure have good eyes, Homer. Shh. Here he is. Oh, good evening. How about a nice Bulgeburger deluxe with onions, n'est-ce pas? What? Monsieur le jour. Oh, I get it now, Homer. Oh, it is you, Madame Anderson. I am so sorry. Oh, I'm so humiliated. Well, that's all I wanted to know. Great work, Homer, old boy. Oh, now, never mind, Mary. Never mind that phony. Now, we'll do my play. We'll do the Bar-X murder. Oh, Oliver, not Hillbilly. Hillbilly, why not? Bill Spencer knows the play, and Homer has a fat part. And I get a chance to show how Lee should be played. The Anderson family is written by Howard Swart, directed by Herb Lytton, and features Dick Lane as Oliver, Louise Arthur as Mary, Walter Tetley as Junior, and Herbert Rawlinson as Homer. Others in the cast were Jacqueline DeWitt as Martha, and George Perroni as Briggs. Music by Gordon Kibbe, sound effects by Ray Erlenborn, and your announcer is Ken Peters. The Anderson family is a Hollywood broadcaster's production transcribed from Hollywood.