 Poor Melisette, no film removing pep sedent. Her smile grew dim, and she lost her hymn, so folks don't be like Melisette. Get pep sedent! And our pep sedent, film removing pep sedent, presents my friend Irma, created by Cy Howard and starring Marie Wilson as Irma, and Kathy Lewis as James. Irma said, you cannot tell wherein lays the pearl by the looks of the oyster. You study my roommate, Irma Peterson, you'll know it's true. Because you can look at that pretty head of hers all day long, but there's no way to prove there's a brain inside of it. Now, don't get me wrong, because I love Irma. But there are times when, well, take the other day, I was reading the paper, and I said to Irma, listen to this, honey, listen. Radio guided shells are being used in war. And Irma said, that's ridiculous. Well, good as a radio and a shell, once it lands, the program's over. Rated missiles, but if you want to know something that's good on the bristles of your toothbrush, why don't you try pep sedent? Ah, now you're talking, Jane. Pepsident gets your teeth brighter by far. That's right, folks. Brighter by far. And the latest scientific luster tests prove it. Pepsident gets teeth brighter than the average of all other leading toothpaste combined. You see, pepsident has something no other toothpaste can give you. An exclusive, brighter polishing ingredient. So if you want a smile that's brighter by far, there's only one thing to do. Start using pepsident right away. And remember, brighter teeth are cleaner teeth. Much less likely to decay. I'm with Irma again, and the kid is walking on air. I've never seen her so happy. That's why I'm watching her like a hawk. When she gets giddy, anything can happen. Uh-oh. She's turned the shower on. I better check. You've done it again. Done what? Taken a shower with your clothes on. Oh, gosh. Help me, Jane. Okay, turn around. Irma, what's the matter with you? Oh, I don't know. I guess I'm just excited about having Al back. So wonderful to be in love. I can hear my heart beating in my head. Well, get it back down where it belongs. It's making you punchy. Not your money. Here's your robe, honey. Oh, thanks, Jane. Will you help me pick out a dress for tonight? Sure, sweetie. Well, where is the big sport taking you tonight? Oh, dinner and dancing. Dinner and dancing? You kidding? What's he going to do? Split a hot dog with you in front of a jukebox? He's not. This is the real thing. He got a job today. Yes, I know, and I have just been made head elephant girl for the king of Siam. You know, I was just telling Jane about your new job. How is it? You quit. It's not steady. Off on your 65. I can rent you out as an artificial rainmaker. Jane, I can't help it. I love him. Oh, Cookie, he's nothing but a lazy bum. But he's so sweet. Besides, he has other qualities. Sure. So does a flat tire. It gives a patch something to do. Sweetie, I don't want to start a lecture. But do you think it's right for a full-grown, perfectly healthy man to make loafing a lifetime career? No, I guess not. You know what, Jane? Something just occurred to me. I don't think Al is normal. Now that the two of you have discovered the secret of your compatibility, what are you going to do about it? Well, I don't know, Jane, but I got to do something because I love him. Irma, if you feel that strongly about him, maybe you ought to get him to a psychiatrist. Psychiatrist? Yeah. Who knows? Maybe when Al was a baby, he was frightened by a time clock. Well, what does a psychiatrist do? Well, honey, they're doctors. They heal sick minds. Maybe Al has some kind of psychosis or neurosis. He might be a paranoiac or even a schizophrenic. No, Jane, if I'm not mistaken, his whole family are Republicans. I don't think that's the blame. It's quite possible that somewhere in Al's head there's a mental block that makes him hate work. What did I put that address to, Dr. Melvin? He's a reputable psychiatrist. Here it is. Here. All right, Jane, but how am I going to tell Al he's a blockhead without hurting his feelings? Irma, when you get him to the doctor, ask him if he's got a special rate for two and give yourself a treat. Come in. Only me, Professor Kopak. Hello, Jane, you know him and my two little gamblers. One flipping a coin to heads. The other with the head that's flipped. Excuse me, Jane. A little joke to celebrate April Fool's Day. Yesterday was April Fool's Day. Oh, no, it must be today because when I turned my faucet on, water came out. Irma, a few minutes ago, she had her clothes on. What? Professor, do you ever go to a psychiatrist? Me? Never. In this, I don't believe. They make you lay back and close your eyes and tell the man your life story. And for this, they charge you good money. Yeah. You know, for a dollar, I can do the same thing in the barbershop and get a shave in the bargain. Please, Professor, don't discourage her. She wants Al to see a psychiatrist and I'm all for it. Well, no, maybe a psychiatrist might do him some good. You've tried everything else. Like the time you got him into a game of blind man's bluff and walked him over to the employment office. My goodness, Irma, if you're going to a psychiatrist, take me. I need treatment, too. What? I could swear I just heard the mating call of an elephant. Hello, girls. Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly. My, you're in fine voice today. Thank you. I just love to sing the Tennessee Walls. Please, Mrs. O'Reilly, if you sing the Tennessee Walls once more, Tennessee will walls right out of the Union. Oh, don't be such an old sourpuss. It wouldn't hurt you to sing once in a while instead of playing those practical jokes on me all the time. Practical jokes? What did he do now? Well, I had a couple of my petticoats hanging on the line and he put a sign on them. We'll sell to the highest bidder complete set of sales for five-masked scooter. And I could have sold them, too, if they won an off-size. Is that so? Yes, that is so. Oh, please, now don't argue. I have a problem. Oh, I'm sorry, Irma Darlin. What's wrong? Well, it's Al. Jane thinks if I take him to a psychiatrist might help him keep a job. Well, I think it's very sensible. Irma Darlin and psychiatrists are doing wonderful work. I know they helped me. Oh, did you go in for treatment? Yes. Years ago I had a bad shock. And there was a period when I thought I was a chicken. A chicken? Yes. I'd run around the house flapping me arms and clocking. Well, how did he cure you? Well, at that time the price of eggs dropped so low he convinced me that it wouldn't pay me to stay in the business. That's all right. When you go to a psychiatrist's office, just what do they do? Well, you lay back on a couch and the doctor asks questions about your life. It takes you way back to your early childhood. How much food do you take with you? Well, Mrs. O'Reilly, if anybody goes back to your childhood it would be impossible to make that long trip without something to eat on the way. Wrong business. Irma Darlin, I hope the psychiatrist can do well some good. But you've got to be careful how you handle the situation. I do? Yes. I had trouble with my late husband Clancy when I tried to get him to see a psychiatrist. Why did he need treatment? Well, it started when I was his nurse. He just had an operation on his eyes and in the hospital we fell madly in love and got married. Oh, how romantic. He fell in love without ever seeing you. Yes. But when we came home and removed the bandages from his eyes he began to crack. He tried to put the bandages back on. Yes, and from this comes the expression, a sight for sore eyes. From the book, what makes Clancy run? I'll quiet you. This is not helping Irma's problem. Gosh, I don't know how to tell Ali needs a psychiatrist because he's so proud of his mind. Well, I don't blame him. I always thought it was valuable. You did? Sure. I believe that someday there'll be a price on his head. Oh, thank you, Jane. You've given me confidence. I'm going right out and talk to him. Here's the place. The Waldorf. I hope he's in. Yes, lady, can I help you? Is this the Waldorf pool room? Yeah. Hey, you're an old girl, aren't you? Yeah. Is he here? Third aisle right, fifth table. Thank you, sir. Hiya, chicken. Hello, Al, honey. Be with you in a minute. One more shot and I'll have the table clean. Well, can't you make your shot and clean the table later? I want to talk to you. Made it. Now, what's on your mind, chicken? No, Al. Nothing's on my mind. I'm thinking about your mind. Oh, what do you mean? I want to take you to a psychiatrist with me. Me to a psychiatrist? What for? I ain't got no frustrations. I'm a happy guy. Well, how can you be happy when I'm so miserable? Chicken, why should you be miserable? You got me, ain't you? You behave. You don't? Maybe it got one of those diseases in your head, like paragoic. A wiener schnitzel. Chicken, a wiener schnitzel is something with an egg on it. Well, maybe you're just in the early stages. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Chicken, who have you been talking to? Maybe it's something you don't know about, something that will happen in your early childhood. Well, of course, when I was a baby, I did fall out of my high chair. Then that's it. You couldn't go to work that day. You've been afraid to take a job ever since. That's a lot of malagy. But Al, you like to sleep all day. I think that's abnormal. Oh, you do? Do you know how long a grizzly bear sleeps in the winter? Four months. And when you go to the zoo, do you ever see a sign on his cage saying, sorry, bear out to see a psychiatrist? Now, chicken, forget that stuff. Then you can forget about me. What? If you don't think enough of me to see a psychiatrist, you and I are through. Oh, well, chicken, since you put it that way, okay, I'll go. Oh, well, you're wonderful. Here you go, Dr. Ed. You know, hold it. When a man is condemned, he should at least have the privilege of naming his own executioner. I'll get my own psychiatrist. Oh, I know you won't be sorry, Al. And when they ask you to make your mind a blank, don't be frightened. Just think of me. Dear Millicent, sweet Millicent, now she's using pepsidant. Her smile's alike and her romance bright. And if you want to be like Millicent, get pepsidant, or pepsidant gets your teeth brighter. Brighter. Brighter. Brighter. Yes, pepsidant gets teeth brighter than the average of all other leading toothpaste combined. Test after test proves it. And remember, brighter teeth are cleaner teeth than less susceptible to decay. No other toothpaste has pepsidant's brighter polishing ingredient and exclusive film-removing formula with irium. So remove dull film that makes teeth dingy. Remove acid film that causes decay. Use pepsidant to get your teeth brighter. Brighter. Brighter. Yes, brighter by far. Like Millicent gets pepsidant. Yes, pepsidant gets pepsidant. Go to Dr. Melvin, the psychiatrist I recommended. He's picked one of his own. And if he's anything like any of the other medical men Al knows, I don't want to be there. You know, he took Irma to one of his doctor friends one time. You know what the examination consisted of? He lifted her foot and said there was nothing wrong with her. All she needed was a new set of horseshoes. Oh, this is one cookie who will never trust that Al too far. Come in. Oh, Al, you sent for me. Yeah, mushy, I need your help. Have to see a psychiatrist. Well, Al, that's nothing the monkey about. If you need eyeglasses, get them. No, mushy, psychiatrists don't make glasses. They work on your head. I guess I was thinking of a churapatist. What's wrong with your head, Al? Did you walk under a black jacket? Nothing's wrong with my head. I'm just doing this to please chickens. But got to do it my way. Who's calling Al? Who else but... Hello, Joe. Got a problem. You know a good competence psychiatrist, honest, trustworthy and reliable, who will do anything for a buck? You do? Dr. R. B. Pringile, Ph.D., L.L.D. and S.S. What's the S.S. for, Joe? Oh, right now he's in prison. No, no, need somebody right away. You see, got to find somebody who will tell chicken that if I take a job, I may drop dead immediately. What? You think he got the right name for me? Who is he? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Your wife's brother, Leonard, but he's an upholster. Oh, oh, he has an extra couch and owns a frock coat. Good deal, Joe. Well, look, tell him to put up a sign, Dr. Leonard's a psychiatrist. What? Spell it? Um... S-I-K-I-T-R-A-S-T. So long, Joe, and thanks for everything. Oh, that Joe is one in a million. Oh, he's comes through. Yeah, I remember the time when he saved my life. Joe, St. July? Yeah, by mistake I made a date with my girlfriend, and I let my girlfriend, Libby, at the same time, in front of the same drugstore. You know, they both loved me, Al. Well, do they know about each other? No. Ain't I a dog? Oh, um... Mushy, what happened? Well, I was sure both girls had killed me when they spotted Joe. I give him the high sign. Quick as a flash, he robs the drugstore, slips the gun into my pocket, prints me out to the cops, and before I know it, I'm safe in jail. What's he doing for you, Al? Uh, nothing that drastic. Look, Mushy, you can help. Oh, sure, Al. What do I got to do? You go see Leonard the upholsterer in the fax to building on 4th Avenue. Tell him I'm a friend of Joe's, and then when I get down there for a treatment with chicken, he's got to tell me I'm allergic to work. All right, Al. Jesus. Thanks, Mushy. Too bad you wasn't a schoolteacher. You could have done a lot for kids. Hi, attorney-at-law. I'm with a psychiatrist. I know it's going to make a big difference in our lives. And you can depend on me. Whatever that doctor prescribes, he wants me to cut out smoking, we'll cut out smoking. He wants me to cut out drinking, we'll cut out drinking. I had a boy, Al. He wants me to cut out naked, we'll cut out naked. Al, do you think we're doing the right thing? And if he wants me to go to work, I'll go to work. Miss Peterson. Miss Peterson. Uh, just a minute, Mr. Clyde. I've got to hang up now, Al. I'll see you at the doctor's. Goodbye. Come here, Miss Peterson. Yes, sir. Look at this letter. I told you to order a Maytag washing machine for my wife. I said Maytag, not Apriltag. Well, I thought it'd be cheaper if we got an older model. I didn't ask you to fake it. I said Maytag, and that's what we want. Well, then you'll have to wait 30 days. May won't be here for another month. Another month of this, and I won't be here. You get that letter out immediately. All right, but I'll have to wait until the carbon paper dries. What? Well, every time I touch it, my fingers get dirty, so I'm washing all the black stuff off the paper. Oh, idiot. That black stuff is carbon. That's what makes the copies. Now, how are you going to get duplicates of my letters? Well, I have a camera. We could take pictures. Oh, no. No. Mr. Clyde, why are you shaking that way? I just took a sample lesson from Arthur Murray. Listen, you idiot. No, calm down, Mr. Clyde. Can I get you a glass of water? No. The last time you gave me a glass of water, you were using the water cooler for an aquarium, and I swallowed three goldfish. You better get those letters out. I'm leaving. Where are you going? I don't know. I may get a crew haircut, lie about my age, and get myself drafted. Goodbye. Mr. Clyde, attorney-at-law, Ms. Pearson speaking. Hi, constable. I don't have any white shoes. Could I borrow yours? Oh, certainly, Jane. But you have to be awfully careful not to step on Steve's toes. What? I had ice skates attached to those shoes. Oh, those sure, Jane. They're in the clothes closet. Thanks, honey. Did Al see the psychiatrist yet? No. I'm meeting him there at five o'clock. Gosh, if Al does all right, maybe I should take a treatment, too. No, Cookie. The psychiatrists are pretty busy these days. They don't have time to go to each other for treatments. Bye. Goodbye. Gee, Leonard, how do you rate this nice yourifice? Don't be landlady. I don't even know I'm here. I took down the forensic sign and put up the psychiatrist sign I made. Oh, that's real funny. Hey! Look, don't forget, when Al comes here, you've got to say he must never work or he will die. Yeah, yeah. You told me all that. I looked up all them words the real psychiatrists use. Frustrations, complex, subconscious. Hey, what time is it, mushy? 4.30. Watch your stove, William. I'm going out to put two bucks on an egg. Gosh, I wish I had two bucks. Oh, a full-length mirror. Oh, you beautiful girls. You great big beautiful girls. I... Hey, I've seen your sign. Are you a psychiatrist? Was you ever to a psychiatrist before? No. I'm just a psychiatrist. We having a special sale today, two bucks. Well, I don't think I should see somebody. Well, just what seems to be the trouble? Plex. That's right. You've got a beautiful complex. What kind of soap do you use? Huh? Never mind. Now, let's see. Who's supposed to lie on the couch? You or me? I think it's you. Would you like to lie on the couch? All right. But I'll be 15 cents extra. My bookie lives... My bookie lives in New Jersey, and I've got to make a toll call. Oh, I mean, I mean, it's just a federal tax. Now, lie on this couch and relax. Try to sleep, will you? All right. Yeah, I'll help you. Goodbye, baby. I should speak up. Go to sleep, my baby. Just looking for your subconscious. I think you're a phony. I want my pocket bought. All right, mushy. What's going on here? I'm going to call a cop. Hey, what are you people doing in here? Oh, what's the land lord? I'm sorry, Mr. Davis. Never mind the excuses. This place has been rented. Get out of here. All of you, go on. I'm sorry, Mr. Stevens. I thought the door was locked. Oh, that's all right. I understand. Well, by the way, that sign you wanted saying employment agency will be ready tomorrow. That's all right. I'll just sit at this desk and do some preliminary work. All right. Don't you worry, Mr. Davis. I'll be a good tenant. I'm going to have the most successful employment agency on this street. Well, chicken, this is the address. Now, remember, when we walk in, whatever the second address tells me to do, I will do. That's a spirit, Al. Neither you nor me will question the decision. I promise, Al. Okay, let's go. Well, well, good day, sir. I am Al, and I am ready. What do you suggest? Well, there's nothing wrong with you that a good job won't fix. Well, report tomorrow morning at the shipyards. Herman Jane will be back in a minute. But first, this is Wendell Niles reminding you that your best toothpaste buy is the economy-sized pepsidant. Almost one-third of a pound, only 63 cents. So get pepsidant without delay for a smile that's brighter by far. Brighter. Brighter. Brighter. Yes, pepsidant gets teeth brighter than the average of all other leading-toothed pastes combined. Like Millicent gets pepsidant. Yes, pepsidant. Little boomerang, and it almost knocked his head off. I don't know whether he's going to take the job, but the whole thing had a great effect upon Irma. She thinks psychiatrists are just wonderful. In fact, she went to one today. What happened, honey? Oh, a bunch of psychiatrists came in the room and looked at me. I don't think they wash their hair very often. What do you mean? All the time they examined me, they just stood around there scratching our heads. They just scratched their heads. Most of the time, I banged mine against the wall. So would you if you lived with my friend Irma. My friend Irma is a sky-higher deduction. Mark Levy writes a script with Stanley Adams and Nolan McClain, and is brought to you by Pepsidant Toothpaste with Aerium, another fine product of Leaver Brothers Company. The part of Al was played by John Brown. Hans Kahn read with Sirius Professor Kropotkin and Gloria Gordon as Mrs. O'Reilly. Music was under the direction of Lloyd Bluskin. Marie Wilson is starred as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane. Remember, your friend Irma says... Oh, my friend's by Pepsidant. 13. I'm happy and I'm singing, the life boy's long. Are you safe on all 13 areas of your skin where you can get BO? Life boy health soap deodorizes all these 13 areas. Stops BO before it begins. Stops it up to 48 hours. Doctors prove life boy gets skin cleaner than any other leading soap. Get Life Boy. Use it daily. Here in Mrs. Pepsidant's registered trademark, the Bureau of Health Control Center. All over America, important progress is being made against cancer through the American Cancer Society's vital research and education programs. These major efforts to control cancer can continue only with your health. Strike back at this disease. Join the 1951 Cancer Crusade. Support the ACS in its life-saving work. Mail your generous contribution now to Cancer. C-A-N-C-E-R. Care of your local post office. Be with us again next week. And once again, Pepsidant brings you my friend Irma. This is Wendell Niles speaking. And this is G.D.S. Coulombie of our cast and crew.