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Published on Aug 26, 2016

trigger warnings - rape, abuse
please please do not speculate who this is about. I will be deleting comments with names. I've written important edits and info in this description:




samaritans 020 7734 2800‎
childline 0800 1111

the absolutely main intention of this video was to help people. I really, really wish I'd seen this video when I was 17.

little edit - I've sent this round to a few friends and one has pointed out that I say that I'm angry at myself for not reading the signs
it does sound like I'm blaming myself and it's important to note that this wasn't my fault, and it's not your fault either.
she also pointed out that I say he cared about me and loved me. But this is not how you care for or love someone.

the signs I had -

he'd take my phone and write messages to people about how I'm fine after they heard/saw us arguing
I had no choice but to send them as he'd get VERY angry if I didn't (it would result in me sending them anyway)

if I didn't want to do something sexually he'd get angry because it would mean that I didn't "care" enough to try something for him. Sex made him feel closer to me, if I didn't want it, it meant I didn't love him. He said men are different to women and need it to function.

he'd control my food portions by getting angry if I gave myself the same amount as him. He'd get angry if I didn't go to the gym or exercise. He'd stare at my tummy tub and tell me if I got fat he wouldn't be attracted to me anymore and that's not his fault.

I had to kiss a friend for a sketch and he told me not to and got incredibly angry, to the point where I almost said I wasn't allowed. I did, and he made me promise to buy mouthwash to rinse my mouth out afterwards ("you will do that for me, won't you?")

But he gave me flowers, and presents, and helped me with work, and told me he loved me, and wrote me letters.
He never hit me and never would.
But abuse isn't just physical, and just because there are good times, it doesn't mean it isn't damaging.

You will feel like you're overreacting. You will start to believe you're in the wrong. You will feel guilty. But this is not normal, and this is not okay.

I still wish I could have an open chat about the whole thing, and get him to understand what was wrong.

If you feel like you are walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around someone so as not to anger them, something is wrong. Please seek help x


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