 At what point in the dating process would you want to know that a man is wounded or non-committal would it be You know after you're in a fully committed relationship or excuse me after you're in a relationship with them Would you want to learn it in the first 30 days? Would you want to learn about it before sex? Would you want to learn about it on the first date or would you want to even learn about it before the first date? When do you want to figure out when someone is non-committal or wounded? Well, personally, I would rather not waste my time going out with someone who isn't capable of Fully and commit and yet this is a challenge for most of us So with that said let's dive into this question because I want to share with you quickly a Commercial I saw where there were three women sitting at a table and they were talking about this one woman's date with a man And all the women were going wow. He was tall. He was handsome He was successful all these qualities about him that seemed great and the woman who went on the date kind of shrugged it off and they go what's the issue and She says He lost me when he said he doesn't do therapy and I thought that was kind of an interesting commentary I suspect that's quite a bit for the millennials these days But what does that say about a person who actually does inner work? Whether it's personal development whether it's self-help with its spiritual work whether it's therapy When someone is actually working on their wounds The things that have wounded them. They make a better partner So this video coming out this morning was really predicated based on a question that came up in one of my live streams A few days ago where a woman shared the story of a man She was on a first date with and during the first date He asked who filed for divorce who filed for divorce now. She was very off-put by the question and I can understand why people might think that it might be too personal and might be too intimate of a question I can see how that's or it's too much for a first date. See that's the other thing It's too much for a first date But if someone is wounded if someone is you know is Unable to commit wouldn't you rather know that before a second date when you rather know that before you kissed? Would you rather know that before you're physically intimate with someone? I would think you'd want to know these things So why would a question like that reveal woundedness and non-committal? Well, that's a good question Let's explore that for a second I'll give you a few more questions to think about in the early stages of getting to know someone Okay, so first off how someone reacts to that question Is the sign of where they're at because if a person is fully capable of fully want? Let me reframe that if a man or woman truly wants a committed relationship with someone Then all questions are important Because dating is a is not about let's just have fun. It's all about fun. Let's just have fun Dating is a vetting process to decide if you want to explore a deeper relationship with someone. That's what dating is It's much it's much like an interview process. And so think about this if you're about to you're a you're a you're a hospital and you're about to hire a doctor, okay, and You don't know where they went to school. You don't know what hospitals they work at, you know little or you know Nothing about their credentials. Would you hire someone? You know nothing about their credentials. I suspect not So it's the same with dating why invest time with someone that you don't know their credentials now I get it. This is a challenge in our dating marketplace because we're meeting total strangers See unlike the past when you met somebody in your town your work environment your School environment you probably had a chance to get to know someone before You've engaged in the connection of dating but today it's total strangers So I can understand why people might not want to go deep in the early stages because dating Predominantly I want you to think about this for a second really think about your Experiences and tell me if you can relate to this you focus mostly on attraction and chemistry You know very little about the person you begin engaging in a physical Relationship without ever knowing their emotional well-being and how often does someone come across? You know that you come across with all the attraction the energy the chemistry Only to find out that they're non-committal later on down the road and there are actually some clues That are there in the early stages that might give you some pause and that's what I'm really leaning about so Excuse me for slurping the coffee is hot So coming back to this asking the question of who filed for divorce and I'm really fixated on this one You know if you think about it, it's public record So somebody could have gotten your first and last name checked out your public records before the first date Okay, so so any I mean to have some Attitude about the question what really what really would fascinate me with this question Is how do they respond to the question? Is there a sense of anger? Is there a sense of bitterness? Is there a sense of Betrayal what is behind the answer to that question reveals a mountain of information See you think about it just like the doctor I shared you wanted to find out the about their past experience their education Their past experiences. It's the same in dating mating and relating our past Relationships are a window into how they operate in relationship how they operate in relationship Think about this for a second So a lot of people say I don't want to talk about my past or even had someone right the past is gone focus on the present But the past is a volume of information that gives you insight into how someone operates So one of the most important questions to ask whether you do it before you meet someone Whether you do it on the first date, but certainly before you get involved with some okay, let me backtrack Let's go back to a first date for a second If you like this guy if you like this person your meeting It's a first date you like them and you sense they like you that is when you should be asking all the tough questions I know this goes against all the other dating advice But if all the other dating advice was so good, then why is the dating marketplace so miserable? Okay, I'm here to offer a different way to look at things just like that commercial where the woman asked about therapy We have to recognize that most human beings are wounded It's just a matter of degrees and are those wounds gonna preclude them for entering into a fully committed relationship That's a really tough question This is why asking about past relationships and really pay attention to how they answer these questions Are they still charged? Are they still are they even a bit bitter? Are they a bit jaded? Are they bit? You know hurt wounded betrayed if they're feeling all of that then it's possible. They may not be able to fully commit Now the other thing I've talked about is child in the past. I've talked about childhood wounds and traumas That stems from someone's upbringing or their parental you both they're outside upbringing and their parental upbringing now Most of us don't most humans haven't had real trauma such as physical abuse or or Emotional abuse on that to some degree now, but at the reality is is this comes at degrees You know my father my mother and father were I had what I would say a Garden variety upbringing, but my father beat the crap out of me growing up. My mother was emotionally despondent You know my mother would would Emotionally abandon us and and I had what I called a garden variety upbringing and I still had significant trauma growing up I'm we can look by the way those that have had real deep wounds whether we're real Psychological physical wounds. Yeah, we we think about that type of childhood wound But what about the garden variety childhood wounds and this affects us as adults? It is naive to think otherwise Have and so this is where really begs the question if and by the way coming back to past Relationships this is really critically important because I want to emphasize this with divorced people you have on average of at least one two or three significant relationships before you're dating them and How those relationships unraveled will give you a sense that this person is capable of Actually committing to you so coming back to the question again, I'm fixated on this question I'll tomorrow my video is gonna talk about it as well. I'm fixated on this Who filed for divorce? You know, I've said this earlier women typically do the filing and And so when you ask a man that question how he responds enter enter energetically will give you some insight Into is he really ready for a significant relationship? I got an email this morning I want to share this with everyone a woman wrote me and said Jonathan that she's talking about a man She dated briefly she goes we talked for a couple weeks for hours He was getting out of a 13-year relationship, but didn't expect to connect and open up to me He wanted to be friends regardless if we had sex a month later We hooked up he couldn't keep it up blamed me told me things changed for him and blew me off I'm gonna tell you the red flag there He just got out of a 13-year relationship Someone that's gotten out of a 13-year relationship if they have done little or no work to heal the cause we it's always It's almost 99% of the time this it's their fault. It's their fault So they don't look at and by the way When they're pointing the finger at who's at fault, they're not taking ownership of me by the way Let me just share something with you Going through a breakup sucks That hurts no matter who was the initiator It sucks for both sides and there needs to be a little bit of time to heal and my suspicion is these hours of Conversation they had were either very surface conversations or maybe he was throwing his ex Relationship under the bus and the woman is thinking to herself. Ah, I'm not like his ex relationship. I will be his heroine This is what a lot of you do we people bond often times through their experiences And this is a different form of trauma bonding you're bonding through the traumas you've had in your life But that's not really getting to know someone all you're doing is getting a recap of their past now This is critically important to get a recap of the past. I'm not saying that but actually going deeper How did you heal from this experience? And my suspicion is this person had no healing and the minute they had sex, you know Whatever reason he wasn't able to you know get it up, you know And he certainly wanted to blame it obviously not a very evolved person and not a very evolved relationship So I want to emphasize this what's the purpose of dating the purpose of dating is a getting to know you Dynamic and today it's all based on attraction and entertainment Attraction and entertainment Attraction and entertainment are two people physically attracted to one another and then they Entertain each other going out to dinners going out to movies going out and doing entertaining things and they have oftentimes very surface Conversations and this happens for the first few weeks or months and then they use their smartphones Text morning. Good morning beautiful. Good morning handsome. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? Hey at the end of the day thinking of you Good night, sweetheart. A Lot of surface conversations happens with text messaging or God forbid you people get into these incessant Communications via their smartphones. They have serious dialogue with one another and let me just be clear Folks, I really want to emphasize this Humans were do not we're not designed to communicate with our thumbs We are designed to communicate with our words our facial features our hands our pheromones our 3d 90% of communication is nonverbal. It is done in the presence of someone So I need you to understand that this a lot of this communication the two of you having aren't really getting to know one Oh, this is why in my private coaching. I just want to share really quickly and Email from a client who just finished my boot camp This is a private one-on-one coaching with me If you want some support check out the link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coaches Right for you. She wrote me and she said Jonathan. I learned to go into the online dating process with confidence I learned to love myself be myself and value myself because I'm worth it I learned what I'm looking for in a partner I've even come up with the most important qualities and questions to ask in the early stages I've learned to spot the red flags. I learned how to interview a potential partner Asking questions without it being an interrogation I learned that it's okay to ask God to bring about the right man at the right time for me and I believe it and I learned that I have enough worth that I don't have to settle for less than the qualities I want if I don't if I don't meet a guy right away. I know that I'm okay being by myself for right now folks Dating is a vetting process. This means it's imperative to find out as many questions about a person The deeper questions sooner rather than later because as I started this broadcast I said when are you gonna want to know a man is non-committal or wounded or worse? Toxic or narcissistic Think about this you know, believe it or not Toxic narcissistic people actually give out significant clues in the early stages as we don't listen Because we're so caught up in the chemistry and not really paying attention to shared values Lifestyles that are blendable and more importantly their emotional maturity and their relationship skills Since we hyper focus and I'm guilty of this folks. I am I am not here to suggest That I'm above all this. I've made mistakes, too. You know, that's why it's called, you know What I had a quote once that said, you know why it's called dating because there was no other word for Revealing your childhood wounds You know uncovering your triggers, you know You know abandoning your boundaries You know lowering your standards settling there was no other word for it. So they called it dating and I'm sorry I'm laughing. See sovereignty means Owning your worth right off the bat sovereignty means not giving your power away to another human being Sovereignty means not getting carried away by lust or limerence Sovereignty means if you get triggered It's a root incumbent upon you to navigate those experience and not expect someone else to be different For you not to get triggered and the list goes on and on and that's what dating is So if you're offended by a really, you know, unusual question that I invite you to ask Why does that trigger me? Why does that bother me? Because it's public record by the way to know who filed for divorce. So it's it's it's out there for everybody to see Okay So really ask yourself why would that bother you? But more importantly if you did ask and by the way, you're answering both answering the question Really pay attention to that answer pay attention to the questions of what was your childhood like? What were your parents like and most importantly doing an odd getting an autopsy of their past Relationships because if you're gonna go get a job if you're gonna try to get a really good job You'd want to know as much about this person before you hired them and even that 90-day probationary period because here's what happens in those first 90 days Folks we can get very attached to someone very quickly. That is not that that is a very common thing Getting attached to a person that's wounded and non-committal is heartbreaking in many cases And this is why I'm such an advocate for doing a deeper dive sooner rather than later And if you want support with that, that's what I do my coaching for you know I teach you the questions to ask based on your personality So you can do this in a very non Interrogating way even though I say you should interrogate everyone and I mean that tongue-in-cheek But doing it in a very non interrogating way Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know. Hey, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this post a comment below If you if you appreciated this content, please hit that like button, please share this video Please subscribe to my channel And if you do hit that notification bell when you could be notified of new videos and live streams as well All right, this will be our time to take questions Those you know my format if you have a question write the word question in the chat box Write the word question and post the question there after or you can purchase a super sticker super chat All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Azley He's my son who passed away That's a picture of him right there in the obey shirt in his honor I donate to causes like the Hoffman process Inside Institute and seeds of love just to name a few so Purchase a super sticker super chat. Hey, we'd like to collect $50 today. So I'd really appreciate those donations, okay All right, or you can get on the hot seat There's a link right here if you want to interact with me live jump on the hot seat and let's have a conversation Okay, that would be fun as well. All right, let's see what kind of questions we have in the inbox so far. Oh Ani says this is a really good one. She says For someone for some people I believe commitment means marriage for some others It just means go with the flow long term. That's a great point, you know What does what does commitment mean to you? What does that mean to you? I think this is a really important question. What does your role? What does a relationship look like for you? You know, I continually see people Engaging in long-distance dating Where they're not getting the Significant requisite time to get to know one another it's all done on the smartphone So I watched a video some months back where Jay Shetty and I he's got that podcast called Oh shoot. What's the name of Jay Shetty's podcast? It's the number one rated podcast. Okay. He's in his book He talks about I believe and if I got this right It takes about 40 hours of face-to-face time just to begin to develop a friendship with someone You need to spend about that much time. I believe he said something like that Now I've always said it takes about a hundred hours of face-to-face time just to build the first layer of trust Okay, and Jay Shetty goes on to say it takes about two hundred hours of face-to-face time to build a friendship with someone a good Friendship with someone and you know doing social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends. So It occurs to me that today We we we Believe that talking on the phone is really building trust with someone Now there is some passing of information that happens on the phone But it is through the doing of experiences that you get to evaluate how someone treats waiters How they treat other people how they treat you in person? Are they dismisses of you because most humans today spend more time talking on the phone talking about their You know their their wounds They're they're basically a Lot of people are talking about their past relationship from a very wounded place And they're they're bonding with each other from a very I said a very wounded Place I said trauma based earlier, but I want to say they're bonding in it from a very wounded place. I Know wonder people who are wounded are often times have a very difficult time fully committing Okay, so I'm just drawing your attention to that All right, Kim says is it a red flag if someone is in their mid-40s and never married great question Okay, so let's differentiate between a red flag and a deal breaker If it is a deal breaker for you that someone's never married then it's a deal breaker. It's not a red flag Okay, so I just want red flag means ask more questions. It means is there something up and the answer is Yes, and no it couldn't mean that he just hadn't met the right person at this point That was worth committing to and to these days. That's going to be very common. We're going to see the Millennials We're going to see a significant percentage of Millennials in the next when they start hitting 40 45 50 We're going to see a huge population of never married. In fact, that's one of the fastest growing demographics for Businesses are are actually focused. I think it's by 2035. They're going to say that 60% of women are More are going to be never married by that, you know, 40 plus-year-old women are going to be never married That's an interesting fact. Okay, so we're talking about women. It's going to be there But as far as a man, what does so what you want to do is do an autopsy of his past Relationships and fight even do a autopsy of his childhood to get a sense of what might be going on here That's what deeper questions means But Jonathan every other dating coach tells me not to do that. I need to go with the flow I need to let the man lead the relationship and I just trust, you know, I just sit in my feminine energy I just lean back in my feminine energy and just trust the masculine the divine masculine to lead the process Do you realize you're giving the job most likely to a wounded human being we are we have a population of men over 40 They're rather clueless as to the direction they have in their own life other than their professional direction very a Significant percentage of men have no clue. They let's think about it. If they're divorced Do you know a significant percentage of men are less likely to want to get married unless they have a Codependent type of personality because they might possibly felt like they got burned in their last relationship So coming back to the non-married guy Who's a better bet the guy who is married and divorced and less likely to get married or the person who's never been married But he may not just met the right person. These are questions to ask one self. That's my opinion. Anyway All right. Thank you so much for that question All right Jeannie Jeanine J9 Thanks for all your great info recently got back in the dating 26 years of marriage. Thank you so much. That wasn't a question though But thank you for sharing that Megan says if you meet someone who aligns and values and lifestyles But you don't feel chemistry is that relationship worth pursuing? You know, I believe we have a capacity to love If you meet a good person you have the capacity to love them And it's quite possible that physical intimacy could shift that okay. I'm saying it's quite possible. I think it's I think It's harder to find a person with lifestyle matching and values And I think it might be worth at least it might be worth giving it a shot now Unless you're repulsed by this person unless they have, you know, they're missing their front teeth and got a beer Got the size of Texas, you know, if you're not repulsed I have found that nearly one-third of women who are in happy relationships have said to me and I quote I wasn't attracted to my guy on the first second or third date something changed So Megan you might want to give a good man a little bit more You know look see All right. Good question Sunshine says can you have some videos on red flags to watch for and how to know Difference between love bombing and someone who's infatuated or limerence how to spot the guy that's a player Actually, I do have several videos. You can go you can go back to my past library videos on red flags I got little videos on love bombing, but let's address that really quickly The love bomber Is trying to convince you to like them Okay, they're trying to convince you to like them or they're trying to get you in their You know get you in bed. They are focused on the sex piece And not the they're not patient. Okay I have certainly been infatuated with women I've lusted for women and I use and I've tried to get them in bed on the first date or second date So I've been there but when a man genuinely likes a woman and he's even enthusiastic You know, he doesn't necessarily he's not driven by his penis. He's not He's not trying to get you in bed if he's trying to get you in bed That's the the red flag or that should be the deal breaker if he's enthusiastic be grateful for the enthusiasm Okay, see the difference I hope that helps sunshine. Thank you so much Who wants to get in the hot seat? Come on. Don't be bashful all right G9 comes back and says question finished. Do people go for std test before having sex now? I did with my ex before we had sex Um, yeah, I've had that done. I've had a woman request that I think actually my son was talking to me about that as well certainly for his demographic, you know given that You know, by the way when I was growing up when I met my ex-wife I mean it was like I don't think we had sex for like a couple like a month of dating before we had sex Used to be a totally different ball game back in that day I think back then she wasn't on birth control when we met So that was part of the the reason for it and there was no day after pill so And listen, I'm a guy I guys don't like wearing condoms. I know we should but we don't like it You know it affects our chi that sort of thing. So um, so coming back to std tests You know the reality is is a lot of people have had a lot of sex with a lot of other people I think it's very valid to talk about that and have a conversation and possibly both get std tests And the beauty of that is it it kind of prolongs the sex piece So you can get to know each other more. So I think that's a great question and a good thing to do All right, sunshine comes in when does no one address the issue of gay guys using women to hide their gay? I have no issue with gays, but it's horrifying They marry and hide how to spot before it. You know what? I am not qualified to answer that question. I I wouldn't know how to I've never dealt with that I do believe it's probably a small population of men you know, um And and this is a really deep question that Would require a lot of going through the nooks and crannies of that My question is why does that concern you that would be my question? Why does that concern you are you if you're holding in your consciousness this this thought Then every man you're looking at is going you're going to look at that from a suspicious place And i'm here to invite everyone to have what's called beginner's mind in the dating process with a bit of you know higher wisdom along the way, but When it comes the other person don't crucify them before you ever meet them is all All right beach to snow girl is in the house big hugs to you Number one question ask them about their mom not the relationship now But what she did to him as a kid if she left him when he was young regardless of why and especially for a man to To no go great point So, um, I once had a um a client um ask a man about his childhood and and his mother And he said uh, I grew up in israel and israel you do military service and there's you know some emotional challenges that may come with that Um, but more importantly he said my mother was a despicable human being I thought wow That's a really that's a really raw thing to say about your mother And so when she asked wow that must have been tough on you. How did you heal from that and he said Healing what's healing? So she knew right off the bat this person probably and if you looked at his past relationship experience He was a you know short lived experience and he had nothing but complaints about every woman in his life Ding ding ding ding ding this goes beyond red flag. This should be a warning sign in your face Okay, so beach girl. I think that's a good point you bring up. So thanks so much Heidi is in the house and she says can a non-committal man through time change to commitment Yeah, that's that's that is absolutely possible. I do believe someone and this is tricky you know Men who have said I'm not looking for a serious relationship and not get married They they oftentimes change their tune now. I suspect that If it worked no, here's the thing if someone has done the work to heal childhood wounds and adult traumas If they've done somatic therapy if they've done some you know somatic therapy is body work And i'm a big advocate for mind body spirit and emotion work Mind body spirit emotional work To get to a place of knowing you want to be a partner to someone Okay There are plenty of people that have done no work. They go into the process Against the idea of commitment and then they change their mind But my suspicion is given that 65 to 75 of second marriages fail This means that by the way, this means that 60 70 80 90 percent of relationships in midlife fail too Okay, it's possible that he might be committed to someone but they're not going to have a healthy relationship with one another So i'd rather go deeper than just that okay Dolly is in the house and she said What questions must I ask to get an honest answer about being divorced or not the man I just dated lied about Lied about lied and it wasn't in the report ran on him backup sucks going through you know It's hard You know people lie, you know people show up as the ambassador of their best selves in the early stages It takes about three months to really Start to see the mass come off Most people are good people. They're just wounded Most people don't lie but some do It's hard to you know, unless you're a trained You know professional think about like Uh profilers for the fbi. They are trained to spot detectives and detectives also And at police stations, they're trained to spot liars the average person isn't trained even even the best questions that I teach clients Um don't it's not foolproof, but it's better than doing nothing So coming back to childhood and past relationships would be the questions and and their desire for commitment. That would be my Uh, do men have red flag deal breakers? Absolutely Um, I think men particularly are paying attention if they're possibly a gold digger or entitled They're paying attention if they have emotional outbreaks Um men worry about women being crazy Um, that's their definition Um But you know even johnny depth couldn't have spotted that until you were in a relationship with someone and by the way He was no picnic either. So, um so But yeah, most men's centers around are they potentially gold diggers? Are they using them? Are they crazy? Those are the top things that men probably Focus on for the most part also are they but you know, they're also a deal breaker Is she kind you know like? um You know, I had one woman got I'm embarrassed to share this with me But she she just acted entitled, you know, she just you know, she expected me to pull her chair out She expected me to open the car door and I'm that type of person that does that anyway But the energy gave off I could feel there was an expectation Instead of allowing it for me to come from a place of generosity and because of that She and she had walls up. She she was very she had very she had walls up and I could feel it Energetically and we never got past a second date Because I could feel that energy. So those are just a couple things that come to mind um All right, let's keep going Coming back to number one's correlation to a man that has huge wounds leaving him for a man is the worst I don't get that Okay, priya is in the house and she says dating a guy Dated a guy meeting daily. He is wounded mom passed away during covet Oh And divorced during the same time not open to commitment but wants to meet daily Sure. Now by the way, that wasn't a question But I folks if you're going to ask a question ask a question. Don't make a statement So men desire female energy We like the company of women because we can be a little bit more Emotionally open to a woman than we would our male friends. So men grab it. This is why I say to you frequently A lot of you are experiencing men that just want to be with you for there as their Pseudo therapist and he wants to meet talk to you even though he's not ready for commitment Because having female energy feels good. It serves a need the question is what need does it serve you? Do you want folks? We don't have time to fuck around You do not have the time to waste with non-committal wounded people It is better to write them off soon Before you ever go on a date with someone find out these deeper questions All right, I think you get to just to where I'm going A married man is flirting with me. I'm tempted but what are the pitfalls or should I I do I have to even really answer that question? so It occurs to me that a woman who is Gravitates towards us a married man It's because I'm going to I'm going to be blunt light seeker. That means there's something lacking in you Okay, which means you're appreciating the validation. You're appreciating the the um the time but Just imagine this How would you feel? How would how would you feel if the wife came to you and said why are you talking to my husband? How would you feel about that? How would you feel if you're in a relationship with a man and he's doing the same thing? You know, there needs to by the way ladies. There's no honor amongst you ladies. There's no honor amongst men either You know, where is the honor of saying you know what? Fuck him out of respect for her. I won't do this Because we selfishly we're we're selfish human beings We are human beings are rather selfish. I want my needs being met This serves a need for you, but it's not gonna but believe me. You're gonna be devastated if you go down it So yeah, walk away. I'm sorry. Does anyone else think the same as me? I think that's mean I think that's you know, I'm I'm gonna say that's mean to do it to the other woman And then tell what does that say about your character? What does that say about your integrity? I'm being really harsh here because some of you really need to smack upside the head I'm a listen. I'm a tough love coach. I'm not a oh You know what? I know your little kid just wants to be validated And I know your little kid wants to be you know wants to feel significant You know, and it's okay to feel that way Okay Fuck that shit. It's mean to her If you know it, it's mean and it's a reflection I really want everyone to really reflect on their character and believe me I butt up against my integrity every day my my unhealthy ego And my my integrity but heads every day but sometimes and I by the way, and I call people to put me in my place Anyway, that's just my two cents Peg Is it wrong to ask a guy who's divorced what went wrong or perhaps his part in it? No This is the whole point of this in this this whole video is about asking the deeper questions. No, it is not wrong Everybody remember this quote Speak your truth. Just do it in a kind way And if it's sincere and from the heart Can't say the wrong thing to the right person You can't All right Heidi's in the house and she says our men more monogamous when they have unprotected sex with you I'm so You know, I I you know, I I don't I don't I don't know whether the condom makes it anymore. Maybe One tenth of one percent more. I I I really can't I wouldn't know the answer to that one But thanks for asking and I appreciate who wants to be on the hot seat Come on beach to snow girl. Get on the hot seat Right there. No integrity. Lindsay wants to say lacking morals disgusting. Mary wants to agree with me Thank you so much I'm just remember karma is real Honey wants to remind you let's not advocate being a home record Uh harlow wants to tell us that I said to a man who wanted to meet For sex with me that I don't want to be with someone's husband That is the ultimate betrayal and I'm not were I and I'm worth way more than that. Yes I'm being harsh on the person, but I'm gonna say you're worth more Stand in your power But you needed a wake-up call too kim wants to say so if the person does not answer these questions That's your sign to leave them alone well I certainly here's what I would do I wouldn't kiss them and I wouldn't have sex with them until I found out as much as possible about their past Relationships, that's my invitation for you. Don't let the penis go inside the vagina Okay, let's keep going here um Okay, or one of our facebook members has jumped in by the way check out my group in the link below to midlife love mastery This is a private group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis Okay, uh through a facebook page and a once a month call So i'm gonna answer this question If he leaves his wife will he heal up dump you you're going to be fooled. Oh Exactly. All right, Samantha's in the house Hi, jonathan. Good morning. Hey there. You got a lot of red hair. I have a lot of red hair So if if anyone's wondering jonathan helped me get out of a relationship that Was going to implode at some point and I really do appreciate it. Oh, you're very welcome So that's that that it definitely Tough love works in my opinion. That's that's just how it goes So is it okay if I expand upon this for a little bit? Yeah, no go right ahead because I actually did have one final question for you That I wasn't clear about that. I'd like some clarification on okay So everyone I just want to share with and again, I've got your permission. So I want to be clear No, it's totally fine. There's nothing nothing Samantha came to me for what I call an unpacking session what that means is she was in a relationship with a man for about five weeks Five or six weeks and she wanted some perspective on and I call this a a get inside a guy's head Unpacking session. Oh we lost her. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. That's okay So what we identified was this was a relationship that had long distance involved. It was three and a half hour drive He was barely divorced. I mean literally barely divorced And his uh, his spouse or his spouse, um, betrayed him And also, um, what was the other thing? So those were like the three main things we covered now in this conversation I drew attention to the fact that most and oh by the way in their communication He even openly admitted that she was farther along in this process than he was so he literally admitted I'm just not that far along in the process. I don't know what I want So during this conversation We recognized that someone that just got out of a marriage literally seconds ago Probably needs time to do some inner healing work to really integrate himself This is where men go out and date habitually Um, they they need a couple transition relationships And I thought that it wouldn't be in her best interest to enter into that in addition He felt betrayed by his Ex-spouse so in that betrayal there's a deep wound there that needs some real healing for men It can feel very shameful to be betrayed And then you have the distance and the fact of the matter is is it's different You know, they have two separate lives three and a half hours away And it would take at least a minimum of five six seven or eight years before there can ever be integration And men certainly in the hunt stage will will drive three and a half hours to get laid But after a while it's going to wear on us and use and the last another piece of this puzzle is that Is that Um, we just men aren't designed to bond via the telephone We do it temporarily, but after a while talking on the phone can just be laborious It can be draining. It could just be, you know, unfulfilling and that's usually what happens with men They stop communicating because that's what telephone communication feels like So mind bringing this up and thank you samantha for allowing us to do this Is that she also has an anxious attachment style And because of that anxious attachment style, this was triggering her this dynamic So there's there's a reason why this happened for her and it's really the recognition to heal the anxious wound within her So with that said, thank you for allowing me to share that with everyone. I hope people got value in that share Oh good It's been cutting out quite a bit. I'm actually in a hotel room right now. So it's cutting out But okay, say your question really quickly then so my question was you had said I had told him that all all I really wanted was two texts a day and I and and nice and that wasn't and he didn't do that and I said there's two reasons he's either playing games Or he can't do that and regardless it didn't matter. It wasn't enough But and you said he wasn't playing games He couldn't do it and and I didn't quite understand Why that was so hard for him to do or what what that What that was to not be able to even connect that way In that yeah, so irony was the video I did two days ago I actually addressed this but so one is what you're making a Okay, so here you're making a request. Can you talk to me morning and night kind of thing first off that comes across as a demand Okay, it's it's it's like you're telling me what to do Yeah, I need you to do this I they would make me happy if you did this now if you said If you said Listen, I have a need for safety. I have a need for validation. I have a need for connection And I did I mean that's what I said. No, I know that I know that but I'm saying but when you come it from a place of a need Then it really it triggers the person to really go. Am I this person's? Provider protector hero in that moment Okay, but if a person is wounded They can't do your heroic things, you know, he is going through he has a separate life three and a half hours away He's still dealing with the emotional effects of a divorce. He has young children In his life. So and he has his professional life. So all of that You know a mass is a significant amount of brain time for him emotionally and mentally if you will Okay And because even though there was this physical connection between the two of you The two of you really didn't build the deeper friendship with one another in other words This is where a lot of relationships lack that deeper friendship that happens through social activities Hobbies mutual interest with one another when you're integrating into each other's lives Not via the telephone. So the telephone ends up being Very draining to feel the responsibility Because not enough trust was built not enough friendship was built you look forward to calling up your friend, right? You go god, I want to let my friend know how i'm doing That's but I suspect that even though you guys got caught up in the physical end of it and some You know emotional and no true friendship was really built during that five to six week period So it was he was incapable of doing it for those reasons so even I mean just straight up a Good morning. Good night. Nice thinking about you That's it's too much. Is that which is that what you're saying? It's not too much. It's just I mean what can well It's like he doesn't need it. So why do you need it? That's one way of looking at it. I don't need to do that. Okay, so why do you need that for me? And possibly it feels like there's an anxious attachment going on and you need this to feel good But I really am trying to say it wasn't about the good morning and good evening text what was missing In this dynamic was real trust and friendship. That's what was missing Okay, and folks I'm here to say you know when you do long distance. It's a 99 certainty sex will happen on the first meeting So that there wasn't so after that, you know You know, it's harder to build friendship. It's easier to it's easier to build friendship before sex It's much harder because then it it the relationship is driven by the sexual physical piece and not the real deeper emotional piece right, right So just remember there was it wasn't about the text messaging It wasn't and this isn't about whether he was just not that into you I am sure that he likes you and has some care for you It just there wasn't enough time to build the it takes time to build trust with another human being And we build trust trust through experiences Versus, you know going out to dinner and getting together and having sex. Okay, we don't build trust that way we built trust through experiences Yeah, I mean we did have experiences, but I hear what you're saying we did I mean, but you did. Okay. Yeah, you did I mean, I know you went out and did stuff But it's the integration into each other's lives and I know you did some of that I get that, you know, and and quite frankly his main thing was Divorced nanosecond ago betraying Okay, and three and a half hours difference. You had three major things going against you Yeah, yeah, no, I I completely agree with you the first two is the first two is That's yeah, the first two is the distance is no no no don't diminish don't underestimate the distance You it's hard to have regular Contact with someone when there's difference and what happens is your contact is in what's called a bubble So you get together in a little bubble. Okay, but it's it's not the real world It's a little bit of a bubble and I know you guys did some stuff with children and whatnot But for the most part, it's like a mini vacation. That's the thing for him. This is a mini vacation You know, we get to hang out together, but it's not in real integration Okay, I and I I want you honey loose at Samantha. You deserve the best man. You will invest a hundred percent for you Nice, thank you. I so appreciate that. I really do It's just so hard because you know, I everyone I live somewhere that's so different distant from everybody you know, like right now I'm up in Reno and I've I've been on you know, I look at bumble and there's 50 guys that are from Reno that have swiped right whereas like If I when I'm back home and it's three hours away. It's just I I'm just like so what I don't even know what to do I don't even I get it. So let's talk. All right. So for everyone's benefit. Let's talk about this So I I recognize that you live in a town where it's less than 10,000 people or something like that or whatever the number is um First off all it takes is one man. I know and just keep in mind 80 percent of single people Are not on the okay Great. Is it that Two-thirds of singles are not on the dating apps or they might be your guy might be on match.com Or he might be on okay cupid or he might be on this side. He might not be on bumble. Okay So when you're using one One spoke for all of your decision making you're limiting yourself So I'm here to say put you know put yourself on every app now This is we're going to require a lot of effort and time. Okay, unless you physically put yourself out To be I want you to think about this Samantha How can a man ask you out? If he doesn't see who you are And if and and so yes, we have some people on bumble and some people on match and some people this It's going to require being being seen first and foremost. Have you put the best representation of yourself on these apps Or in your real life. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to be candid with you I review hundreds of dating profiles every week 99 of them are poorly done And I'm just you're statistically speaking you're in that everybody thinks they have a great profile They don't it's really poorly done. Okay, so first putting the best representation of yourself. Okay Now by the way men 99 percent are poorly done So you and and we the problem with swiping too So I want to be everyone knows publicly that I My relationship with marie ended and I briefly went on the dating apps just It was a knee jerk reaction And it was a very it was coming from a very wounded place I have to own that piece and after swiping a while I was really You know repulsed by it I wasn't repulsed by the people I was repulsed at how this made me feel I was repulsed at Marginalizing a person. I was repulsed by the the you know judgments. I had I was repulsed at myself Right. So we have this, you know swipe dating has bastardized the meeting process I'm a big proponent of people doing match.com. It has a greater essay involved. There's more information But coming back to but at least and do multiple sites, but the end of the day It's also being an environment of asking people, you know, who do you know that lives here that would be worth meeting? You know, like start using your tentacles as much as you can To connect with people that live in your hometown because you're going to be in your hometown for at least another five or six years Or just wait to date, you know, that's the other thing wait to meet somebody Until you can move into a town where by the way people that live in los angeles complain There's no good people in los angeles people in new york complain. There's no good people Everybody complains about where they live what i'm inviting you to do is to have an abundance mentality god universe spirit I invite in a juicy delicious healthy happy relationship where we have amazing chemistry with one another and our bantering Communication go on for hours and hours at the time and we have the capacity To resolve conflicts and differences with ease and our lifestyles are blendable with one another And we share the same values and we build the deep roots of trust through social activities hobbies mutual interests Integrating into each other's lives god universe spirit. I invite that in Little prayer for you Start praying on it start setting the intention that it's just I want to date Well, so this is my question I I actually have a date lined up for tonight in rino. Should I not even go? You know, he lives here, but I not even bother You know, I suspect that you're gonna go because it's good to have some male energy and some male company The question becomes what if you're attracted to this person you're attached to them And then he starts pursuing you and you're gonna do this dance all over again The you know, the hardest thing to do is to say no Well, let me reframe that our our little wounded kid ego Wants to feel wanted so you have this swipe where you both You know wanting one another and it feels good to feel wanted in that particular case. Okay And and in that though you have to be I'm here to advocate for being pragmatic How realistic can you have a relationship with someone? Have you found out why his divorce what cost his last relationship to end? How long ago was his last relationship? What's his mental state like all of these things I would ask before meeting someone But you just happen if you're in a vacation bubble mode, so you can do it to have a good time, you know Um, but I'd say, you know the challenge is if you like each other if he really likes you You're you're putting yourself if you go out for cocktails you your boundaries lower. You might end up having sex coffee Have coffee, but you know what practice then do it for simply practicing those tougher questions like I outlined in the beginning Okay, okay. Yeah, definitely. Thank you so much. Jonathan. You're very welcome Can I send you off with the big gigantic Jonathan bear hug for sure? Thank you. All right Thanks, Samantha Thanks for sharing everyone Samantha was someone that I worked with Help her unpack her relationship and she came to the conclusion that it didn't make sense to continue All right, let's keep going here Someone says can you restore brain time in a workaholic man's mind? People that their libido is in their professional life oftentimes only want part-time relationships Just be aware of that they want relationships on their terms I'm here to advocate a co-created process where there is a mutual partnership with one another And if someone's libido is in their professional life, that's probably not the case So a couple people harlow said what happened to marie May I ask why marie and you broke up? What happened with marie? All right, we'll wrap up on this note. So Sadly, I reported a few weeks back that marie and I have decided to transition our relationship from a Romantic relationship to We'll call it friendship if you will She wasn't happy living here in southern california But more importantly during the time together It really exposed Her deeper childhood wounds and traumas and by the way, we all have them Her childhood wounds and traumas are very much garden variety for everyone else But being in a relationship with someone like myself Uncovered that there was a need to want to be with her family particularly Her cousins and her brothers and sisters who live in florida And living here wasn't going to satisfy that now we even I explored the idea moving there But the truth is is I'm very rooted here and I want to be near my support system the hard part Was that there was it was difficult for her As much as she originally came in with the idea to build a life here She had a hard time building a day in day in life here And so while we had a great time together we explored the world together. I got to travel We did three trips to to Twice to mexican riviera went through the panama canal did a bunch of other things together We had a very fruitful relationship I think this relationship was meant to break her open to work on some of her wounds And really get a sense of who she is and what she wants She oftentimes molded herself in the man's life She did what a lot of women do is she molded herself or melded into a man's life And she really never got a chance to get a sense of who she was as a person outside of being a relationship I had a propensity to believe I need someone to love me for me to feel good about myself So each got a chance to heal Deeper wounds for us. We got a chance to explore You know healthy communication with one another. We got a chance I really got a chance to step into clarity of what I want in a relationship and I recognize now I want to be a husband You know, I really want that However, that looks it doesn't have to be a legal marriage. It can be a spiritual marriage I really want to show up Truly in a partnership and I got a chance to do this in this experience See unlike a lot of breakups breakups are usually because there's something you don't like about the other person I don't I think marie cares about me deeply and I care about her deeply It was more about our individual sovereignty And we're giving each other a chance to you know, I don't think she plans on dating for quite some time I'm going to open myself up when we've kind of the logistics of this relationship unfolds I'm going to open myself up for my life partner I am holding space that a relationship can end and you can still believe in the abundance The abundance of there are an abundant amount of people that want to be life partners with each other So I'm going to hold that space in all chronicle my journey along that way for everyone Because many people believe that you can only have Chemistry with one person you can only have this connect like she's the only person I'll ever have this connection with no She's not the only person we have a gazillion soul mates out there And some of those soul mates told her an end of life partners and some of those soul mates came here to Teach you a lesson to give you to open you up and she is so grateful to me and I'm so grateful to her We are doing a very conscious uncoupling why? Because we're both grown up to say you know what if it doesn't work for one person It doesn't work for both and that's okay. I respect her I have a great deal of respect for her and you know could I have spotted some of these things sooner? You know what? It's it wasn't about did I you know could I have spotted this? Yeah, I could say I could have spotted this But I would have missed out on this beautiful Experience and she got me out of my comfort zone and she helped push me in areas That I needed pushing so when you look at it from the place of what positive things did I learn about myself in this experience? This is what I said to samantha What positive things did I learn about myself in this experience? How did I heal from this experience? What was good and what am I most grateful for when you're operating from a place of gratitude and abundance the universe? God whatever source out there will begin to make you a magnetic tractor for what you want if you're living in a state of fear scarcity Anger shame Judgment bitterness anger and anger which a lot of people do a Lot of people do They'll just attract a lot of what they don't want. That's what will happen. So anyways, uh, harlow Seen and carla. Thanks for asking those questions. I hope I was able to answer to your satisfaction Not that I needed your satisfaction All right, all right folks, uh I'm gonna end on this note angel says good morning. I'm so thrilled. I made it online while you're doing a live I think to myself every day. It's raining great men. It's raining great men. Jonathan bear hugs to you. Sorry about Marie Exactly. It's raining great women. It's raining great men. It's raining great women. It's raining great men And what great simply means is Good people with good hearts Good people with good hearts. It's raining great men It's raining great men and good people with good hearts All right, I think this will be a great place to wrap up this live stream Did you have value in it? If you did post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts Uh, check out my groups and the links check out a discovery call with me Check out my group called midlife love mastery. Follow me on instagram Get all the goodies that I have listed down below If you found value in this video, please hit that like button Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel and i'm gonna wrap up this videos I always do first off give myself a big gigantic jonathan bear hug of self love I'm going to reach into the oh pit stains reach in the camera and give you a hug of love If that's okay, I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet teddy bear pillow Give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it We could all use more love in our lives. I want to thank uh our facebook group Lindsay marsy harlow hidey kim Steph hillary angels carla sin sinisa dolly genie Honey lu honey you Everyone thanks so much. Have a fab day. Take care. Bye now