 What was the biggest bet you ever made? Oh, God almighty. I don't know. One time. I mean, the most I lost in one night, because three times I've lost everything that I've ever had. How do you do that? Not morally, but I mean, how do you Physically do it? Well, yeah. What is the process of that? What's the evolution? It's funny because the only time I went to a psychiatrist I was like, because it was for gambling. How the fuck do I get out of this? And he's like, oh, you gamble to avoid life. But my thing was, well, isn't that why you do everything in life? He's to fucking avoid this. It's too painful. So I said, but it's painful to think about, but because now it would be nice to have the money. But I just lose it by it's just like any escape, I guess. Because I was never a drug or alcohol guy. But like when I watch a game and I have a bunch of money on it, then I can understand what's going on. Nothing's ambivalent or anything about it. And there's stakes. There's stakes. You know exactly the rules. You're completely involved and you're completely escaped from your life. Of the real fear. You know, I'd rather fear losing money on a football game than ruminate all fucking night about my upcoming show. Illness and death. Not my show. My biggest problem is ruminating about death. If I could get over that somehow. You do that regularly? I try to. I read fucking books about it and shit. Have you read that Becker book? Denial of Death. Oh yeah. It's my favorite book in the world. Oh it is? Yeah, I have both. I have all his books. I'm getting his newsletter. And he's dead. The Becker Foundation. It's helped me a little bit. The whole idea of that is the transferencing. To feel part of something bigger than yourself to define your life. You can do with that what you want. It's better if it's God than gambling. God is the best. That's what I'm trying to get to is God. Let's get to God and peace meal. You still haven't walked me through losing everything. How you do it? You've got a house. You had a lot of money saved up. You make one bet. And then you realize you're about to do phone calls to people saying I just need a little more. You kind of at the end of it you know it's happening. I guess it's like I've never had substance abuse problems. People that know they're going to hit bottom. And kind of want it. Because it's exhausting to be obsessed with something. So you are I guess trying to do it. Trying to finish it off. If you have 450,000 in the bank and then you lose 400,000 you're a fuck it. I don't want to have 50,000 to remind me I don't want money to remind me I have more money. So that's how you do it. And you did that three times. Three times in my life. And how long have you been off it? I've been off it like probably five years or so. And you're trying to get some spirituality in your life? I'm trying to because the only real joy I get other than I love watching comedy. The only thing deeper than that is I read a lot of literature and stuff. I'm not educated like I never had any schooling. And I don't read nonfiction much but I read lots of literature. Like who? Tolstoy, Faulkner. But the faith keeps coming up. These motherfuckers are smart. I was always like priors this fucking most deep, profound guy from my limited perspective. And then all of a sudden I'm reading books and I'm like holy fuck. This guy knows everything. I was reading Tolstoy and I was like fuck one word, one sentence this guy. But then I was like why are all these guys it all comes down to faith? It seems to every fucking great novel I read it seems like faith is the only salvation. But I don't know how to get it. Yeah. I don't know how to just suddenly believe and surrender. I don't know how to do that. I'm too stupid or proud or pretend I'm smart or afraid. Yeah to surrender it's hard. It's like this equation that your brain has to do where you realize that you have very little control over anything. That moment where you realize just about all of it is out of my control. And there's only two things you can do in that moment which is either I'm fucked or it's okay. And how you support it's okay is with some kind of faith. I guess yeah. I've come to it a long time ago that I have no control over anything. But I've been struggling with faith. I'll just throw myself into religion sometimes. But the problem with that is then you get into churches and stuff like that you know what I mean. And then you go oh it's very easy to fall into the trap of going like religion is bad and I mean God is bad because this fucking priest fucked a kid which is retarded you know what I mean. Why does that make God bad in any fucking sense. It just means that people that represent him are questionable. So then if you go into any church obviously it's led by fallible men and you can't believe in them. You've got to kind of come to it yourself somehow but I really I don't have the answer of how you do that or anything. Where are you at with it now. I don't know. The only thing I've ever explored is Christianity. And that kind of. I liked it. But it's just extremely hard to keep believing. It's really fucking hard. Because it's the hardest thing to believe and I think I'm not deep enough. I think that just by nature of the fact that you're a comedian in that part of the way you understand things is by cutting through bullshit with jokes. Especially you. You cut through bullshit. You call bullshit on just about anything very concisely and in a very funny way. That when you're sitting here trying to stay in a place of faith into the interesting and whatever you're choosing to hang that faith on there's going to be part of you that thinks like that's just bullshit. There is. Especially when it's specific like that. But then I don't want to be a fucking idiot that goes like you know sometimes you meet people they're like I'm spiritual. They're like I have my own thing. You work at Burger King. You figure out a whole thing by yourself. They've got their own thing that enables Burger King without hanging themselves. That's a pretty powerful guy. I'm not going to certainly accept Christianity. I'm not going to accept some fucking 17 year old girls fucking idea. Maybe you should just get a job at Burger King. Maybe the humility of that will shed a little light. It's exactly the same feeling I think you probably had when you had to deal with the blind guy. That you know there's something outside of you. There's bigger struggles that are had by many people and they seem to survive. I've actually thought about working with blind people because I look back on that time and it really was the first time you really look outside yourself. It's pretty incredible the things that you observe even as a writer or anything. I think it would be incredibly important. I think that's important for like a spiritual thing too is to not think about yourself first. Spiritual people you're exactly right. But I think a lot of people go that's the way to find it is to look inside yourself. But I think you're right. I think it's not. It's to look outside. It's to try to get past your ego. To get that thing hammered down to almost nothing to where you actually think about the better of somebody else over yourself. That's very contrary to people. All you got to do is throw that switch man. Everything's okay. Don't be negative. I fucking can't deal with that shit. But you can see in acting or in comedy that that works. I know. Like the person that goes hey man I'm cool. Everything's going to be good than it is. That's like it's horrendous. But is it really? I mean just because you're denying your flaws and sort of fake it till you make it or there's a lot of slogans act as if whatever it is. But still it's like they say that eventually this will just kick in in earnest until one day you're like it's not kicking in and this is fucked up and you guys mislead me and fuck all of you. The truth is it's dark and horrible and we die alone. Fuck you guys. What is it called? Act as if. Act as if. I guess I understand what that would mean. But act as if. You know all these things. The bowel cancer hasn't read the book. You know what I mean? They don't read anything. They're fucking cancer. Whenever someone like people start talking about organs I fucking check out. I mean I can handle a lot of dark shit. I can fulfill my head with stuff. But when people start saying like I had kidney failure I'm like oh god. That's why those fucking the scariest movies all of us to me were the Cronenberg movies. It was always the inside. The fly reason. Where that moment was like when he's climbing up the wall and he's like pretty weird huh? He's like oh god. And then when he breaks apart and there's a giant fly inside of him. Can we turn this around somehow to end this thing? It's like my act when I do my act. I never think of a fucking ending. I just trickle off. Me too. I guess this is a. We good? You done? What happened here? Every week I go. Why didn't I think of something?