 The National Broadcasting Company presents the big show, the first half hour presented by the makers of Reynolds Aluminum, the Reynolds Metals Company, and starring the glamorous, unpredictable Tallulah Banquet. For the next hour and 30 minutes, you will be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business. Such bright stars as... Fred Allen. Vivian Blaine. Judy Canova. Bill Foster. Portland Harper. Johnny Johnston. Jan Murray. Meredith Wilson. And my name, darlings, is Tallulah Bankhead. Here it is another Sunday, how quickly a week passes. I don't know where the days go. Last Sunday after I finished the show, a bunch of us went out for dinner. Had a wonderful time. And I got in real early, 11 o'clock Tuesday morning. Except all day Tuesday and got up early Thursday morning, raring to go. Had a ravenous appetite, but couldn't find a thing in the house, looked in every chandelier. Well decided to... Thank you. Decided to attend to some household duties, cleaned out all my closets, and sent everybody who was in their home. I wrote chapter 14 in my autobiography. The phone rang and I made a date for chapter 15. Well that took care of Thursday Friday and Saturday. And here it is Sunday again. I was really dying. I just don't know where the days go. But one thing I'm always sure of is our darling sponsor, the Reynolds Methodist Company. They know where aluminum goes every day of every week. Well, Miss Bankhead, this is the week of the International Motorsports Show in New York. A wonderful display of the finest sports cars, and therefore a wonderful display of aluminum. Reynolds Aluminum. Special streamlined bodies made completely of aluminum. Many parts of the high-geared motors also aluminum. And one of the largest trailers yet built, covered with Reynolds Aluminum. Why so much aluminum? The answer is obvious for aluminum is light, strong, easily adaptable to modern designs. That this International Motorsports Show should display so much aluminum is a salute to competition that brought production up, prices down. Competition started by the Reynolds Metals Company to make this the age of aluminum. Well darlings, every week I get a lot of letters from people who listen to the show. Some of them have problems and they ask for my advice. And since we have such a diversified array of talent on the show this week, I thought our stars might be able to answer some of the letters. Fred Allen, here's one you can answer. It needs an expert on television. Oh sister, have you got a wrong number? The letter is from a Mr. Field in Baltimore, Maryland. He wants to know what is the best way to break in to television. Well, I would suggest an axe. Chop your way through the tube. Now, while you're chopping, if you suddenly strike water, do not be alarmed. You have merely made contact with a seltzer bottle on the Milton Burl program. Another way to get into television is to make an old motion picture. Or if you are in no hurry, make a new motion picture and wait 20 years. Of course, the quickest way to get into television is to be born a bottle of beer or a dancing cigarette. Well, that takes care of Mr. Field. Good luck, Chester. And now our next letter is from a girl in Topeka, Kansas. She says a salesman who came to Topeka recently told her if she ever came to New York, he could get her into a show on Broadway. Vivian Blaine, you're in a musical comedy on Broadway. What would be your advice? Should this young lady take this salesman's word for it and come to New York? Well, Tallulah, that guy sounds like quite a salesman. And if she's not careful, that salesman will be the death of her. I found out that when a man tells a girl he can get her into a show on Broadway, he means one of two things. The second thing is that he's got two tickets to the show. Well, that hasn't changed much since I come up from Alabama. Well, now this next letter is from a man in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania who wants to come to New York to open a nightclub and he wants to know how to go about it. Jan Murray, you're an expert on nightclubs. How do you go about opening a nightclub? Well, I've never opened a nightclub. I close quite a few. But all you have to do to open a nightclub is find a lot of smoke and build a room around it. And if this guy is living in Pittsburgh, he could open the biggest nightclub in the world. All he has to do is put a wall around the city and the Copacab-Bittsburg is born. And if you happen to be looking for a top comedian to play a club and the salary is big enough, I know a fellow named Jan Murray. If the salary is small enough, I know Phil Forster. If you're looking for a top singer, I'll be glad to take the job. Money is no consideration. I'll pay anything. Well, now here's a strange letter from a girl in Boston, Massachusetts. She writes, Dear Miss Bankhead, I've been trying to get a man for a long time. I can answer that letter. Uh, wait a minute, Judy Canova. I haven't told you yet what her problem is. Well, what other problem is it? I used to have that problem. I couldn't get me a man know-how. That was my trouble. I didn't know how. Instead of sacheting out there with them buttons and bowls, I was back at the bar and slopping the hogs. I didn't meet too many fellas that way, but I met a lot of interesting hogs. I just decided that my career came first. I didn't need no fellas taking me to picture shows and going on hay rides. I was sorry, Bob Tell. I got myself a lot of nice clothes, the store-bought and automobile. I don't have to sit around making one myself. I can go to the beauty parlor and get myself curried up any way I want to. I don't need no man sitting around holding my hand, buttering me up and kissing and hugging and... Who needs it? I'm happy like I am. And if that girl up in Boston is smart, she'll find happiness just the way I do. Well, if I'd known this was for the Academy Award, I'd have done that speech myself. A young man who has ambition to become the top recording male singer in the country. Well, he has one of the qualifications. He's a male. Now, let me see. Johnny Johnson, you're a male. How about giving this young man some advice? Well, I certainly will, Tallulah. The first thing this fellow ought to do when he comes to New York is to buy himself a pair of tight shoes. Whatever his collar size is, get himself a shirt two sizes too small and go on a daily diet of malted milk and sour pickles. In three days, he'll be in such agony that he's a cinch to become a top recording star when he sings songs like... If your sweetheart sends a... It's no secret you'll feel better if you crew. Bravo, Adlib, I know. I never cry when I sing. I can't say the same for the audience. Well, he has a letter from a woman whose husband wants to become a comedian. Should she let him give up his telly job and take the chance? Well, Portland, you ought to be able to answer that question. Yes, I can. For 23 years, I've been married to a man who wants to be a comedian. Right as well, let him do it. If you don't let him become a comedian, he'll become frustrated, unhappy, get high blood pressure and ulcers, and sit around the house all day complaining and doing nothing. Come to think of it, if you let him become a comedian, the same thing will happen. Oh, the big show that's going to go on at the Allen House tonight. Well, I have another letter here. It's from... Oh, dear, I can't make this out. Some foreign postmark. Oh, Brooklyn. I've been listening to your show for months and I admire your diction. I have a Brooklyn accent and I would like to improve my speech. Well, now let me see. This letter ought to be for you, Professor. For moi? Yeah, for you. Well, I got news for you. I really can't see why you asked me to answer that sort of question. Well, now you want to know how to get rid of his Brooklyn accent. Tell him to move. What kind of get rid of the accent? He should wear it like a badge of honor. What's he going to do? Go to Abbott's Field and say, Ralph Bronco is pitching. And wait till you see what they do to him. Instead of yelling, kill the umpire, he starts yelling, eradicate the arbitrator. Oh, thank you. Thank you. And now I think it's time for a song. I think it's time we hoarded, I mean heard, from Judy Canova. How about it, baby? Some of that real solid Canovian vocalizing. The song, Short and Red. Mary's Darling, if you please. Really put over a song, darling. Don Shuckins, Tallulah, that was nothing. Yeah, I know, but I try to be nice to my guests. That's awesome, Tallulah. Thank you very much. I'm studying you, Tallulah. Didn't you used to work in a jute mill down south? I must be thinking of another Tallulah band kid, Sugar Child. Well, maybe so, but that's her girl's name was Lillibad. She married the foreman of this jute mill, Clem Davis. You sure do look and act just like Lillibad Davis. And ol' Aubrey. I want to be nice to you. This is your first trip up here, and I want to help you. You could be very attractive, you know, a very attractive woman if somebody showed you how to dress. Well, I've been studying the way you're dressed, Tallulah. That sure is something to get up, you god. Darling, really, please, we don't say get up. Well, somebody better get up. Well, somebody better say get up to the top of your dress. Did you know what them shoes you're wearing is got holes in them? Judy, these are open-toed sandals. All glamorous women wear these. Yeah, when you wear them, it's glamorous. When I wear them, it's bunion. You're not back home now. While you're in New York, you ought to get yourself a dress like this and wear it back home to surprise the fellas. If I wore a dress like that, it wouldn't be no surprise it's left for them. We live in a highly-specialized age. I mean, if you want to get a man, you've got to advertise. If the package is wrapped attractively, you can always find a customer for the product, especially if you happen to be the large economist's eyes. How come you're still on the shelf? Luxury items move very slowly, darling. In this country, for every man, there are three women. That's why you might be finding it rather difficult. Now, you take South America now. Down there, it's easier. For every three women, there are one and a quarter man. Well, so long, too, Lily. I just admitted you to where you're going. I'm going down after my Latin quarter. The Darling Reynolds Methodist Company wants to tell us the latest news in architecture. They say here, it will help me with my house haunting. I must have read that wrong. I mean house haunting. Here's Mr. Spankhead, America's architects and builders have been practically haunting the suppliers of aluminum, Reynolds Aluminum. There just seems to be no limit to the improvements made possible by this light, strong, rust-proof metal. One important example in building factories, hospitals, stores is the aluminum curtain wall. Large panels made up of Reynolds Aluminum on the outside and on the inside with insulation between. That you just lift into place and hang on the building frame. Walls like this go up faster. They ensure long life, low maintenance, and save valuable floor space. And they have the modern look only aluminum gives. The curtain wall is just one of the modern construction methods made more efficient, more economical by aluminum. You'll see more and more examples as expanding aluminum production meets and surpasses the military needs that now come first. The Reynolds Metals Company, one of America's great producers of aluminum again salutes the architectural profession which always uses every means to build America better. Yes, Bullen? I'd like to ask you a question. Where do you buy your dresses? Well, what do you ask, darling? Well, I was talking to Fred about the dresses you wear and he seemed to think they were very cheap. Cheap? What is he talking about? Well, he said your dresses are half off. Is that my cue because I didn't see it coming? I was still trying to feed you, Bullen. I forgot my line. All right, you can tell Fred for me that my gowns are specially made for me and you can also tell him that the part that's off costs more than the suits he wears. Well, Fred didn't mean to offend you, Tallulah. I was just telling him I thought your gowns cost a lot of money and I wonder what you do with your old dresses and Fred said you wore them. What? Well, you're fixing me up fine, Portland. If I may intersperse a word in my defense, Tallulah. Mr. Allyn, sir, down in Alabama where I come from an unshifted remark like that could only be settled on the field of allyn, sir. Tallulah, spoken like a true southern gentleman. Do you know about a southern gentleman, you Yankee? Well, it isn't my fault that I don't come from your part of the country, Tallulah, but for a prank of fate, you know, I might have been born in Alabama, too. What do you mean, but for a prank of fate? Well, many years ago, my great-grandfather made a small fortune traveling through Alabama exhibiting a Republican in a revival tent. When he returned home, my great-grandfather spoke so highly of Alabama that my grandfather decided to go there. At that time, my grandfather was living on a farm in New Hampshire. Well, they called it a farm. It was really a quarry with a layer of dust over it. The land was so poor, my grandfather had to use a little fertilizer so that he could grow old on the place. The hens had nothing to eat but gravel. When a hen laid an egg, the yolk would rattle. And all the vegetables grew very small on the farm. My grandfather raised the only one-eyed potatoes in the state of New Hampshire. Little did he know that many years later in the same state, farmers could raise 40,000 votes for Eisenhower. But my grandfather really didn't know anything about farming. He was a retired glassblower. And one day while he was blowing a greenhouse, the glass was red hot, and my grandfather got the hiccups. Well, before he could stop hiccuping, he had blown 200 percolator tops. Now, unfortunately, this was before the coffee part was invented. So they tried to sell the percolator tops to people with thyroid conditions to be used as monocles, you see. Some of the tops were sold to society matrons who liked to serve individual radishes under glass. Two of them they sold to Eddie Cantor as contact lenses. My grandfather was finished as a glassblower. He went back to the farm despondent and started to drink. He used to say, I'll take a drink to steady myself. Sometimes he'd get so steady he couldn't even move. He was buried three times by mistake. And finally he was barred at the cemetery. One time I remember my grandfather stopped drinking and joined Alcoholics Anonymous. After two days by sheer concentration, he subdued his willpower and was able to start drinking again. Well, of course, the farm slowly went to pieces. It was about this time that my great-grandfather came back off the road with his revival tent and the Republican. My grandfather, my great-grandfather, told such glowing stories of Alabama, Southern hospitality and Southern comfort that my grandfather and grandmother decided to go there. Well, they packed all of their worldly possessions, a pump handle and a picture of Lydia Pinkham. And they left on a small unicycle, they left New Hampshire. They said goodbye to their daughter, who later married a butcher and had three children all underweight. And a small boy who looked like a liverwurst. And they picked, later as they drove along, they picked up a cupboard wagon. And my grandfather made a little money knitting those old mottos. You know that you used to hang on the wall and knit it mottos, home sweet home. You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough. If you think nothing is impossible, try to stand a worm on end. Well, after they'd been traveling for months, they arrived in New York City. And my grandfather said to a man on horseback, which a huskback, that's another animal, used to be in New York years ago. My grandfather said, which way is Alabama? And the man turned around on his huss and said, follow me, so they did. And instead of ending up down south, they found themselves way out west in Wyoming. The man they had followed from New York City was Horace Greeley. So you see, Tallulah, if it wasn't for Horace Greeley, my grandfather and my grandmother would have found the right road and they'd have gone to Alabama. Now, I would have been born there, possibly a girl. And tonight, instead of standing here reading these blank pages, I would be standing over at your microphone with my hair tumbling down over my shoulders, talking with a southern accent and known to the vast radio audience as the glamorous and unpredictable Tallulah Allen. That's my grandfather. It's the longest apology for not being born a southerner I ever heard. Now I know what happened. The North didn't win that war. They just talked us out of it. But I think we've had enough talk for the moment. Let's have some music from a handsome and talented lad named Johnny Johnston. Johnny, who was recently starred in a beautiful Broadway musical, A Tree Drowsing Brooklyn, has chosen a song from that hit. The scene where he comes home to find his poor wife on the roof scrubbing the mats. In the song, he makes her a lot of promises which he knows he will never be able to keep. The song, I will buy your star. Mary darling, if you please. Things may not come through the way you plan One more chance is due to every man One more chance, that's it It's not too late yet We'll be living on some grand estate yet You'll see An automobile so fancy gets some air A coat made of seal skin is what my wife will wear Seal skin isn't good enough Urban isn't good enough Buckets full of diamonds aren't good enough To show you what you're worth There's not enough to do There's nothing on this earth Good enough for you I'll have to do my shopping up there But the best won't be born A cloud as light as an angel saw Of a summer One message from our darling sponsor saying Men wanted? Well darlings, how about sending me the overflow? Well Ms. Bankhead, right now there is no overflow of men at the Reynolds Metals Company Because of rapid expansion we need more trained engineers Right now there are many opportunities for engineers interested in joining their future with the future of the expanding aluminum industry with one of America's great aluminum companies Right to General Employment Manager Reynolds Metals Company Richmond 19, Virginia That's Richmond 19, Virginia The Reynolds Metals Company Pioneers of progress through aluminum And now before we go to act two I just want to ring my chimes This is NBC, the national broadcasting company This is the big show, act two And here is to rule the bankhead talking to Johnny Johnson That was a beautiful song you sang to that girl Johnny What was the name of it again? I'll buy you a star Isn't that sweet? Would you buy me a star Johnny? I sure I would Okay, the star I want is Gary Cooper Oh, that's a lovely song Could you teach me to sing it darling? Well, I don't think so too, Lula Why do you say that? Have you ever heard me sing? No, but I've spoken to a few survivors Well, I'm going to sing for you right now Well, I'll be seeing you Thank you, ladies and gentlemen I've just had a request for I'll be seeing you I'll be seeing you in all your places Hey Johnny Yeah, Jan What'd you do to that poor girl? I didn't do anything Then why is she crying? That this heart of mine embraces only you She isn't crying, that's singing Singing? Sounds more like a B-29 With a voice like that it's a wonder she got to B-29 In that small cafe The park across the world The children's carousel The chastity the world she went With that voice, who could be she Who could she be wishing well? I'll be seeing you In every lovely summer day In everything that's bright and gay I'll always think of you that way She must use the Holland Tunnel for a pitch fight I'll find you in the morning sun and with a night in you Johnny, talk to me I think I just lost the use of my left ear I'll be looking at the moon but I'll be singing I want your candid opinion How do you like my voice? Now tell me, how do you like my voice? Now tell me straight from the shoulder That's where your voice sounds like it's coming from Straight from the shoulder Say, wait a minute What do you kids really want to hear some singing? That's for business, you know Just that beside, please Would you please? Ladies and gentlemen I have many requests this evening But I'm going to sing a song myself And a song that I think will never die Yes, all right, Ms. Brinkett I asked you to sit, I meant the chair A song that I think will never die Until I do it now And then it's got a fighting chance The ever-popular, always-beauty for life clown lab Boy, I do hope you like this song Life is a play and we all play a part The love of a dream Life is a play Life is a play And we all Life is a play All right, write with me Don't be nervous, don't be nervous Now, life is a play and we all Life is a play and we all play All right, boy, all together in tempo Now, here Life is a play and we Life is a play Don't be nervous now Write with me, here, now Life is a play And we all play the part The love of a dream Are you sure you got my music out there? Good lad, play good You know Ms. Brinkett has no sense of humor With these mistakes? There are three comedians Warming up in the lobby now Sign a peculiar contract on this show Your option comes up every eight minutes here No chances They better not say one word to me That NBC better not say one word To me about tonight's performance I'll buy this place Make it a supermarket I save my money That's where the door is anyway Supermarket's where the price of food's going up My wife goes shopping now She doesn't count money anymore She weighs it Give me eight pounds of money I'm going shopping dollars I'm just asking the only argument I have with my wife lately Give me more money I need more money for the table Give me a bigger allowance I need more money for the table I said, how much could a table eat for heaven's sake? I'm giving you two thousand a week now Isn't that enough? She says, no, we got a child I said, let's eat him one day Why don't we need food all the time? She said, you think you sound smart, don't you? Well, next time you do the shopping You'll see how expensive everything is British girl I went to the supermarket for the first time in years I'd like a dollar's worth of potatoes Sorry, Mac, we don't slice them Counter, I said, mad 25 cents worth of Swiss cheese You wrapped up five holes I saw a 22 pound turkey buying a man this morning Well, play good Play good, you foolish can of player This may mean the White House Don't play part Deliver the dream of the clown I beat you by a mile Work fast, boy, work fast Deliver the dream of the road Is it tears with a cloud Sprint such out of row? Are you playing with your elbows tonight? It's a rough audience They'll form a posse Come up here and get me Take it from where it says with him Live with a smile Are you packing, Mr. Johnson? Through, through So loud Until that quite curtain falls I get me talking to Phil Foster before the show Even though you're only Even though you're only Even though you're only All together now, here, right with me, boy All right, boy, don't be nervous Right together, in tempo Where is she living now? Here, I've never spent anything like this What's the matter, Johnny? I don't see, you're working so hard up here What seems to be the trouble boy? Well, it seems to be the trouble boy What seems to be the trouble boy, aren't you listening? For you, they played so beautifully And, uh, while I'm on They can't find a note or anything It's a disgrace Really, you shouldn't make complaints after all You're a fine comedian You can get up here and get laughs With no trouble at all What are you worrying about singing for? This is so ridiculous Well, it's gonna be my new racket, Johnny From now on, I'm singing No more, no more jokes Nothing, just singing You too, no Yes, me too, yes Tell jokes I've studied this thing I've studied it Who do you think makes all the money To show business singers? Last, last week I accidentally saw your salary check Oh, you did Then I looked at mine Yes There's a big difference, you know, boy So I tore up the joke book And now I'm taking singing lessons Oh, you're gonna be a singer That's right I wanna make the money, the loot You know, the green stuff With the dead people's pictures on it It's gonna be my new hobby Collecting all that stuff I think you could be a singer You say you've been studying Oh, taking lessons One of the finest schools in America I'm studying at the Beethoven School of Music The Beethoven School of Music Yes Do you have a good teacher? Sure, Sam Beethoven My life is a play Yeah, I'd like to hear a sample of your voice Would you like to hear a sample of my voice? Yes I just wanna hear the tone Yes, good I'll sing a note and you repeat after me Would you hit me a C, please? You wanna test my pitch Yes Oh, perfect All right, you sing this No, you hit that note Nothing to it, lad Nothing Would you give me the same note, please? Blah No, a little higher Yeah Oh, you're a tenor You're a tenor If you say so, yes Give me a D up there A D, yes All right That was a D? Yes Give me a W Just move the balcony back, please Man, here it comes A long type of tune Now it's not my type It doesn't fit my style No, it isn't the song I can see your fault You have what we call faulty tone production Is that the truth, John? Yes I didn't know that This is one thing you... Faulty tone production You must realize that in singing In singing, I want you to remember this always Yes, yes Breathing is very important Breathing is very important, John? Yes, yes I'm glad you told me I was gonna give it up for a few weeks But if you feel it's important No, just keep breathing But what I mean to say Is the method in which you breathe Now, you take the deep breath Deep breath, yes Now, you must breathe from the diaphragm Diver? Please, I'm very ticklish Please, boy, please When I'm willing to help you Yes, I know You sing from the diaphragm I'm not wearing my money belt, boy Please The breath goes up through the vocal cords Vocal cords, yes And you sing forward in the mosque, you see In the mosque In the mosque You must sing forward in the mosque John, this is my fos This is my whole fos right here This is my chime, my neose And my foray, hey, yet The mosque I threw away last My wounds do Right now, look Right now, you're violating one of the basic principles Of being a singer Is that the truth? Oh, yes, to be a comedian You can throw yourself around the stage Make faces, but to sing You must have a certain amount of dignity And poise I would say that you are sadly lacking In, shall we say, culture Culture? I didn't know that I didn't know that I would say that you also lack A certain amount of, shall we say Savoir fair Savoir fair I haven't even got subway fare I don't know how to sing a song You're making a big unit out of it All right, you'd like to sing a song Yes, I want you to hear my part It just so happens I have in the music books here A duet of mine from last year Do you remember the song, Sam's Song? Yes, yes, remember very well Well, we have a little duet Would you like to sing it with me? You, you, you, you, you mean You'd let me, you, you, you That is mad, Jan You will sing the lead I'll just sing a few notes to fill in Well, thank you Have you got a part for me? I've got a part Do you have that part? Oh, is this my part? Good 38 pages The big part? It sounds like it's Sam You made the song too long It looks like, you know No, this is the same song Now you're all ages You got your part? I have my part You got your part Just a little part Well, I just have a couple of words Yeah, just a little word All right, I'll take it all I want you to listen to my part Would you give me a little bell note there? Yeah That's nice I sing the first couple of words And you take it And then I come right in And it's all yours All right All right, I won't let you All right Maybe tune that will bring you A smile all the while When you croon that you're really In style and the title is Sam's song That's very nice Catchy as can be With a sly little beat And the melody sweet Keeps you tapping your feet And the title is Sam's song That's very nice, Jack Nothing on your mind But the news of the day And the bills you must pay Keeps your hair turned And gravatures still humming Sam's song Keep it forward Say it makes you grin Gets under your skin As only a song can do I change your lyrics You've got all that written down here, Cheetah Sam's song There must be other words to Keep it forward As far as you see Has a story to tell Or a gimmick to sell But agrees that it's swell And it's really odd Grand song Just thought I'd ad-lib That's all So forget your troubles You're sure this is the lead That I'm doing You'll find you'll never go wrong If you learn to croon Like a lark in the park Who is making his mark Serenade in the dark With a chorus of Sam's song Not Sam's song Not Sam's song Not me If you learn to croon A happy tune They call it Sam's song From the ridiculous to the sublime I think we ought to hear From the beautiful Miss Vivian Blaine Vivian has chosen For her selection on the big show One of the dearest ballads Ever written Lover Meredith Darling, if you please You are Vivian How's your show The King and I Tallulah, I'm not in The King and I Oh, I mean South Pacific Tallulah, I'm not in South Pacific Oklahoma I'm not in Oklahoma Well, I can wish, can't I? I'm in Guys and Dolls Oh, yes, of course And how's your show doing, darling? Oh, just fine And how's your show It pays to be ignorant Oh, what a Sunday this is Turning out to be Tallulah What's this I hear about you going on television? Oh, yes, darling I'm thinking of it for next season A lot of people complain They can't see me on radio Yes A lot of people have told me They can't see you on radio at all Isn't he blonde? I might be able to give you some tips, Tallulah I'm on television No, I don't roll a skate, darling You don't understand Tallulah, I have a regular show And I might be able to help Well, it's really sweet But I don't need any help, darling I've been watching television every night I get the idea Oh, well, did you watch it last night? No, my set was broken last night Oh, well, I was on television last night Oh, was that you, sweetie? I thought my set was broken What sort of a show do you do, Vivian? Well, I do a 15-minute show Three times a week 15 minutes? It takes me longer than that Just to read off my cost You can do nothing in 15 minutes Some people I know take an hour and a half to do nothing Nothing? What do you think has kept me way up above everybody else all these years? Hot air? Well, you could use a little that hot air to get you off the ground, bussum Tell me, Tallulah, what sort of a television show are you going to do? Oh, the typical divine Tallulah Bankhead show Oh, uh, just long It's going to be an hour show Besides that, I'm going to do the big show on radio Radio and television? There'll be no getting away from you, will there? I must catch that little show you're doing What time is it on? 7.30 7.30? Don't tell me you're Dave Galloway No, 7.30 at night Three nights a week Oh, I must see that The movies are going to seem better than ever Hey, uh, Adelaide How are you, Adi? Oh, hello, Billy, how are you? I feel just a minute you're mistaken This is Vivian Blaine What kind of Vivian Blaine? I got news for you This is Adelaide of guys and dolls I had dolls I even keep myself On my salary Ain't it awful? If I may project a question, Billy How have you been? Me? Oh, I'm sorry to hear you're not working That you don't feel well and you're having trouble at home And your brother is mixed up with that dreadful girl again Ah, means all that Well, I better get into this When in Rome, girls the dodgers do Lose Oh, Billy, what's the good word? To lula You? I thought you came from Alabama I got news for you Oh, kid, Lansman What, were you and that street fight Between Alabama Avenue and Bushwick Avenue? You remember when we got those boxes from the oranges And we made sticks out of them And beat up those Bushwicks? You remember the war between the crates? Yeah, I just heard about it So tell me, Adelaide You married or anything? Just anything And how about you, Philly? You should be married by now Don't worry What's the matter? Got rocks in your head? Stop beating your gum Ladies and gentlemen, this is the mystery boy The two real Brooklynites and the earthsarts Brooklynite Are talking what is known in Brooklyn as the mother tongue In Brooklyn, father rarely gets a chance to use the tongue Unless he slices it to make a sandwich I will translate what they are saying into English I am qualified for this Herculean task Because I once went to a dentist who was born in Brooklyn And two upper molars have been replaced in my mouth by a Brooklyn bridge I, uh, seen you in guys and dolls, kid Oh, did you like me, Philly? I liked you I got noodles for you You're murder Murder Murder is a word which in Brooklyn has been incorporated into the language Murder incorporated is Brooklyn's leading undertaking established The only undertaker in the world who call for and deliver What's this I hear about you going around with this Tallulah bimbo? Me with Tallulah? Yeah Get out of here Ex-Numbers Miss Bankhead means that Mr. Foster's mother teaches mathematics at Brooklyn College You're a bargain? All of a sudden she's hoity-toity She may be hoity, but she'll never see toity again They are now quoting from Noel Coward He is the proprietor of the famous Coward shoe store So tell me, Philly, how did the Dodgers look this year? It's in the bag In the bag is Brooklyn East for second place How did we get them bums last year? Bums In Brooklyn, nine bums refers to the Dodgers One bum refers to a brother-in-law How about it Tallulah? We're going to win this year I got news for you I went with the Rocha to the Giants Open water Your mother wears army shoes Miss Bankhead means Miss Blaine's mother is a member of the WAC A WAC in Brooklyn is a schizophrenic Hey, Yattie Remember when you and me used to sing on the corner in front of the candy store? Candy store is the Brooklyn cultural center Are you and me singing a song right now? I gotta ask the boss How about it Tallulah? You know, darlings, I'm just confused enough at this part to say yes Meredith, give them a chorus or two of Here Comes the Springtime If you will be so kindly If you'll be so kindly in Brooklyn means play loud Please stop with that lowing Lightning bugs like my libido each night Things that you at no one will ever sing one with me Hey, remember me? Of course I do, Judy Well, it's been so long since I was up here I don't seem to remember you What's your name again? Clara Kimball Young Yeah, well, I'll sing with the three of you Finally, old thank you, darling And I'll tell you what, you're such a wonderful Yola Now that's one phase of singing I haven't tried yet Could you teach me how to Yodel? How do you get that Yodel sound? Well, let's see now, it's sort of a kind of a... How can I describe it? It's sort of like shifting from first into second Without putting your foot on the clutch But that way you slip the gears Well, that's the Yodel Look, I'll show you Oh, that's beautiful May I try that? Why, sure Any of you folks in the first five rows Wearing your Sunday best better move back there Line spray sets in Go ahead to Lily Bell Now like this I think you shifted from first into reverse Easy, like this You haven't by any chance got an instrument hidden down in there Have you done that? Over here it goes If I'm not back in five days Notify next of again Would you give me that Yodel once again, Judy, please? Okay Always not good They just laugh Well, don't you mind, let them laugh Don't you even worry if they laugh Again, honey, like this Got an instrument hidden down in there Like a buzz saw or something I better give up, I'll never do it Of course, if I ever get a dramatic part in a play That requires Yodeling, I'll be in trouble But I'll have to take my chances However, as long as your tonsils are in Yodeling position How about giving us a real sample? Well, if Meredith will give me a key I don't like to sing just raw The National Broadcasting Company This is the big show, Act Three This portion brought to you by Chesterfield Chesterfield's a much milder With an extraordinarily good taste And most important, no unpleasant aftertaste By Anacin, for fast relief from pain of headache Uridus and Uralgia And by Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor And Beeman's Pepsi, the gum that's great to chew And good for your digestion too And here now is to Lula Bankhead Well, darling, the weather last week Turned out so divinely That I began thinking of the summer And the swimming pool I have up at my country place And so I decided to take some swimming lessons Oh, no more of what I did last year Filling the pool of the champagne instead of water Of course, you can float more easily on champagne Than you can on water But they revoked my liquor license And we're going to have water So I decided to learn how to swim like a champion I didn't care if it took me all afternoon Well, I made an appointment at this indoor pool, you see And there I met the swimming instructor Girls, I wish you could have seen him Six feet two, sitting down And the longest, most beautiful, wavy hair You've ever seen on his shirt His head was bald But in the water, he looked like a fish As a matter of fact, he looked like a fish out of the water So naturally I did the sensible thing I asked for another instructor Well, this one was really something Magnificent jungle beast Tom, suntan, just back from Florida He swam up His name was Jim Jim Salmon And before he got through with me They nearly canned him Oh, but that's not the case Well, the lesson began when he asked me If I were afraid of water Well, I said, well, darling, I'm not afraid of it I just don't approve of it But do I what? Oh, my dear, like a fish What? Oh, no, darling, I don't swim at all Well, that's why I'm here Well, I thought maybe you could teach me some of the holds Now I mean some of the strokes Now how do we start? I lean forward like this You're holding me now, aren't you, darling? Yes, good When I put my arms where your arms are Oh, I see That isn't difficult Well, let's do that again, shall we? Oh, thank you, sweetie Now your arms again I put my arms around yours and I move like this Is that it? How long has this been going on? Shall we try once more? Oh, in water this time Oh, very well, into the water we go Oh, this isn't invigorating Oh, I should have changed into a bathing suit Oh, well, it's too late now Maybe my slacks will shrink down to bathing suits Look, darling, you don't think these open-toed shoes Will let in too much water, do you? Oh, that's nice Well, let's get started Oh, do you happen to have a cigarette, darling? No smoking in the food Oh, I suppose they're afraid we'll set the water on fire Oh, well, let's try it now I put my arms like this You put your arms out where they were Oh, this is divine Is that all there is to it? Kick? Why should I kick? Look at this Kick, why don't you say so All right, I'll kick my feet There you are Oh, darling, I'm so sorry, did I kick you hard? Well, your nose is bleeding And you seem to be losing your tan Oh, there goes your tattoo Darling, where are you going? Don't go down there, come back up Oh, that's it, now take a deep breath Now, what do I do now? Darling, I'm talking to you Don't go down there again I'm paying for this lesson, you keep disappearing Is there somebody else down there you've given a lesson to on my time? Ah, well, now you stay up here Now, the next thing I'd like to do Darling, you're not going down there again That makes three times you've done that to me If you don't tell me what to do now I will never speak to you again Oh, what do I do? Well, darling, if you're just going to lie there and say, glub, glub, I'll simply have to get another shot of that old green bar The mask is off The mask is off in cigarette advertising Chesterfield is first to name all of its ingredients and here they are the right combination of the world's best tobaccos pretested by laboratory instruments for the most desirable smoking qualities and Chesterfield keeps these tobaccos tasty and fresh with tried and tested moistening agents pure natural sugars, chemically pure, harmless far more costly glycerol, nothing else Only these are entirely safe for use in the mouth as proved by over 40 years of continuous use in tobacco products and remember this Chesterfields are wrapped in pure white cigarette paper the best that money can buy Now, we name our ingredients because we think every smoker ought to know what makes Chesterfield the best possible smoke what makes Chesterfield much milder with an extraordinarily good taste and no unpleasant aftertaste Visit your dealer and sound off for Chesterfield Do it today Now darling, it's time for Meredith Wilson and the Occitan Chorus Meredith has chosen the great Negro spiritual Joshua fits the battle of Jericho Meredith, if you please sir Just fit the battle, just fit the battle Just fit the battle of Jericho, Jericho Back again, the young man who's made such a hit with our audiences this past season I've got news for you It's Phil Foster What's going on Phil? Well, Tallulah, I got a little present for you My mother wants to show her appreciation because you've been so nice to me Oh, that's very sweet What did you put in the box? It's a piece of wedding cake Oh boy, I see your mother's hinting again, huh? What kind of hinting? It's a piece of cake from her wedding Really? How long ago was she married? 35 years ago She's sending me a 35-year-old piece of cake? Alright, so you'll use it as penicillin Tallulah, I just got to tell you what happened between me and my mother I called her up and I said, Mom, I'm back with a big show And my mother said, the psychist? I said, Ma, the big show at Tallulah Bankhead My mother said, I know Honolulu very well and it's a psychist I said, Ma, the big show, the radio show Ma, Ma! How you know if the television is set and listen to me? Finally she said, big shot I got a son who's a very big actor Oh boy, what a big shot I said, what's wrong? She said, everybody's now going to television My son's first going on radio Television, you know something? Television has ruined everything Take the corner candy store Today people go in there and just buy candy Years ago the candy store was a meeting place If you had a problem You didn't go to a doctor or a lawyer You went to the corner and the fellas could figure it out for you I know one guy, he couldn't pay rent So you got to the corner and the fellas told him what to do They said, move On the corner The boys could figure out anything Except how to get a job And I can remember some morning I'd be laying in bed My mother would come over to me Stand by the bed and tenderly say Bum! It's cold black in the afternoon The sun is shining How could you lay in bed all day? And I'd say, why? You think it's easy? Boy, I miss those old days I miss them so much I'm probably the only guy in the whole world Ever decided to try to go back to them No kidding Couple of weeks I got on a subway And I headed for Brooklyn While I was going back there I forgot to think about the guys A guy like Bunky You know every block in the world has got a guy like Bunky He gets blamed for everything If we were making noise in front of a candy store You know when we usually did Plenty of noise Suddenly the window would open up on the third floor A woman would stick her head out And say, if you don't get away From downstairs I'll throw down water And we'd say You'd like to see her do it? Then she'd throw it on the water And who would have hit? Bunky! The middle of the whole thing Out comes the candy store owner And he stopped to yell at us Off the corner you're bums You're gonna go up to be gangsters That's all bums You know that you stole the candy And you robbed the machine And you just took the paper And who would you be pointing at? One fella, Bunky When I got back to the corner I finally found out what happened to Bunky He now owns the candy store And while I was there I ran into another friend of mine Brilla Head I said, Brilla Head You remember me? Filly Foster Filly Phil Monk He said, Monk How do you like My old pal from the third grade? He said, what are you doing now? I said, I'm an actor I said, what are you doing now? He said, I'm still in the third grade Then we had another pal Oh, this guy was the grader A guy called Angles This man, I'll tell you the truth In school he was the smartest guy to ever live He always kept getting A, A, A in school I never saw a guy get so many A's A, A, A I finally found out what happened to him He's not working for the A, A, A And I can remember on Saturday night Boy, that was it We didn't have no television set We had a different game We had the telephone That was some game We used to meet Saturday night after we took our baths And we'd hang around for half an hour Because we didn't recognize each other We were so clean And our game was the telephone We'd make up, who should we call tonight? We'd spend five hours calling people Who should we call tonight? Big games For instance, we'd call the guy in the next block The candy store We'd say, hello Is this needleman's candy store? Have you got moxie in a bottle? You have? Then why don't you let him out? Or we'd call up and say This the gas wipes? It is Can you see the lamp post on the corner? Is it lit? Then why don't you climb up the post And blow it out? Big laughs like that I'll tell you, one game you used to do Was to call a girl I was the guy who always did that Because I was the best blind date caller In the whole neighborhood I'd say, who got a good number? You, what's her name? Shirley? Give me the number Watch me give back the nickel Call the operator, I say Excuse me operator I've been dialing Dickens 2, 2, 6, 1, 7 I seem to be getting the wrong number Could you kindly retain my nickel And give me the right number? What do you mean you mail it to me? I need the money now Thanks a lot Hello, Shirley? This is not Shirley, where's Shirley? She went to the drug store Who's this? A girlfriend? But what do you look like? Five foot two, eyes of blue, blond hair Oh man, that's for me Never mind what I look like I like what you look like You look great, yeah Listen, me, I'm in from the coast Yeah, I'm Coney Allen Come on, don't laugh, there's a big joke Listen, can I see it tonight? Go walking or something? My name is Phil No kidding, you got a brother by the same name? What's your name? Gene? That's fine, I got a sister by the same name Yeah, where do you live? Yeah? Listen, tell mom I'll be home at eight o'clock The greatest games we had Took six guys to play this game Boy, it was the greatest game We pick out a name in a book called like A guy, let's say Callahan We call him up, he says Hello, is this Mr. Callahan? He says yes He says it's Melvin home He says there's no Melvin here And we do this five times in a row And everybody's saying hello Mr. Callahan I like to talk to Melvin He says finally the fifth guy, you go crazy There's no Melvin here The sixth guy will call up and say Hello Mr. Callahan He says yes, this is Melvin You got any messages for me? The next time you suffer from pains of headache Neuritis or neuralgia, take Anacin You'll bless the day you heard it You're going to get it You're going to get it You're going to get it You're going to get it You're going to get it You're going to get it You're going to get it You're going to get it You'll bless the day you heard it This incredibly fast way to relieve These pains Now the reason Anacin Is so wonderfully fast acting And effective is this Anacin is like a doctor's prescription That is Anacin contains not just one But a combination of medically proven Active ingredients In easy to take tablet form Thousands of people have received Envelopes containing Anacin tablets From their own dentist or physician And in this way discovered The incredibly fast relief Anacin from pains of headache, neuritis, or neuralgia. So the next time a headache strikes, take Anderson for this wonderfully fast relief. Anderson, A-N-A-C-I-N. Anderson comes in handy boxes of 12 and 30, economical family-sized bottles of 50 and 100. Get Anderson at any drug counter. Thanks every once in a while on this show. We do a song written by Len Murray called, I Wish I Was. All the members of our cast come up with their secret ambitions. This is a lot of fun and really quite revealing. So let's hear what the secret desires of our guests are this week. Meredith, if you'll set us up musically, we will begin. I hope it'll be me. Tell us what you'd like to be. I hope it'll be me. Tell to Lula what you'd like to be. All right, let's hear from you Phil Foster. What do you wish he was? I wish I was the manager of the bumps. Of the bumps. I wish I was the manager of the bumps. Of the bumps. I wish I was the manager of the bumps. When we played the giants, we'd all have guns. I wish I was the manager of the bumps. Lula what you'd like to be. All right, who's next? How about you, Johnny Johnson? What do you wish you was? I wish I was a sponsor on TV. TV. I wish I was a sponsor on TV. TV. I wish I was a sponsor on TV. I'd turn around and hire me. I wish I was a sponsor on TV. I hope Lula what you'd like to be. Paul and Hava, how about you, honey? What do you wish you was? I wish I was named Mary Livingston, folks. I wish I was named Mary Livingston, folks. If I was named Mary Livingston, folks. It'd be easier to laugh at my husband's jokes. I wish I was named Mary Livingston, folks. Like to be. Okay, Jan Murray, you big handsome brood. What do you wish you was? I wish I was a string of pearls by heck. By heck. I wish I was a string of pearls by heck. If I was a string of pearls by heck. I'd hang around to Lula's neck. I wish I was a string of pearls by heck. Well, next up to bad is our very own Mary Livingston. Mary Livingston, what do you wish you was? Well, sir, Miss Bankhead. I wish I was a frog and that's no joke. No joke. I wish I was a frog and that's no joke. No joke. If I was a frog and that's no joke. I wouldn't mind to Lula's croak. I wish I was a frog and that's no joke. Well, we haven't heard from you, Judith Canova. You've got to be whistling. You was somebody else. I wish I was the of his show. This show. The ugly whir she could go. I wish I was the of his show. You sitting over there looking so smug and beautiful about. What do you wish you was? I wish I was a genie crane. I wish I was forgotten you, Fred Allen. What do you wish you was? I wish I was a house that's painted white. Paint it white. I wish I was a house that's painted white. Paint it white. If I was a house that's painted white, I could rent me Dr. Harry but to tafted twice. I wish I was a house that's painted white. That takes care of everybody. I wish you was. Well, darlings, if you really want to know, this is what I wish I was. I wish I was a White House candidate. I wish I was a White House candidate. If I was a White House candidate, I'd handle affairs in every state. I wish I was to be my. So here's something else of interest to you. For breathless moments, for your breathless moments. Chew dentine. The gum with breath taking flavor. Dentine tastes so good. Dantine freshens your breath. Dantine helps keep your teeth sparkling clean and white. Dantine, the gum with breath taking flavor. Before you go out and always after eating, drinking, smoking, refresh your breath with Dantine. You'll love Dantine chewing gum, for Dantine has a wonderful, tingling, nippy flavor that lingers on and on. It's delicious. And remember, Dantine helps keep your teeth white too. Keep Dantine handy. You'll enjoy refreshing your breath when you chew Dantine. So for breathless moments, for your breathless moments. Chew Dantine, the gum with breath taking flavor. It's our show for this week, darlings. Be with us next Sunday when our guest would be Tony Arden, Julie Canova, the continental, Herb Jeffries, Oscar Levant, Jane Russell, Paul Wenshaw, Jerry Mahoney and others, and of course our very own Meredith Wilson and the big show, Orchestra and Chorus. Until then, may the good Lord bless and keep you whether near or far away, Viva. May you find that long-awaited golden dirt. May your troubles all be small ones and your fortune ten times ten. Fred, may the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again, Portland. May you walk with sunlight shining and a blue bird. May there be a silver lining back of every clouds with sweet tomorrow. Never mind. May the good Lord keep you till we then you will sooth that we'll May the good Lord bless and keep you until we meet again. Godspeed to our armed forces everywhere. Good night, darling. This portion of the big show has been brought to you by Chester Field. Sound off for Chester Field, the cigarette that's much milder with an extraordinarily good taste and most important, no unpleasant aftertaste. By Anacin for fast relief from pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia. And by Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor and Beeman's Pepsi, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion, too. The first half hour of the big show is presented by the makers of Reynolds Aluminum, the Reynolds Metals Company, who also bring you the Kate Smith evening hour on the NBC television network. The big show is produced and directed by D. Engelbach and written by Goodman Ace, Selma Diamond, George Foster, Mort Green and Frank Wilson. The chorus is directed by Ray Charles, special musical arrangements by Sydney Fine and Earl Lawrence. This is Ed Hurley, he's saying good night.