 From DailyDoseOfWeirdNews.com, I'm Darren Marlar and this is your Daily Dose of Weird News. ***The study says that half of all Americans spend their entire paycheck or more every month. ***Well, yeah, isn't that the American dream? ***They say scammers are out in force after that Equifax hack last week, but the full list just sent $50 cash to me. Unmarked bills, please. No return address necessary. Laughter may be the best medicine to get you pregnant, says two professional accredited medical clowns. Red-nosed jokesters are commonly used in Israeli hospitals to help relieve stress. A study at the Asaf Harofen Medical Center and published in Fertility and Sterility Journal proves that 36% of the women undergoing in vitro fertilization treatments who were entertained by clowns became pregnant compared to 20% of those who did not see the bozos. ***Actually, I don't think this is about laughter. We're talking about using clowns here. How do we know it's not just sheer terror that helps get you pregnant? A group of professional clowns are planning a protest outside of a movie theater showing the new movie It, saying the film is bad for their business. ***Hey guys, that ship sailed with John Wayne Gacy. People who work as clowns are not happy with the hit horror movie It, saying it's scaring kids and making it that much harder for them to find work. Fewer clowns around kids... I'm not seeing that as a bad thing. In Milford, Connecticut, 48-year-old Leslie Lang was arrested after police say she put her own poop on her estranged husband's toothbrush and thus violated a protection order. The arrest was the result of an investigation into a complaint filed by her estranged husband that she had tampered with his personal property. Police sent a DNA sample taken from Lang to the state lab for testing along with the toothbrush. The lab confirmed that Lang's DNA matched the feces on the toothbrush. Talk about a pottymouth. Finding that old flame on Facebook could lead to more than you bargained for. The renewal of that not-so-innocent friendship might end in marital disaster. Facebook is cited as evidence in 66% of divorces in the U.S. according to a survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. In addition, more than 80% of divorce lawyers reported that they have seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence during the past few years. In other words, don't poke the X. Wait, that came out wrong. 61% of Americans say it's time for Hillary Clinton to retire. That's up from 46% that said so last November. Today's Daily Dose of Weird News is dedicated to my friends at Cross International. With the devastating hurricanes that hit Texas and Florida, it's easy to forget others in need around the world, such as South Sudan, where children are literally starving to death. So I've teamed up with Cross International and I'm asking you, my official weirdos, to save a life today. A single gift of $60 will feed a child for a full five months. You can also ask that part of your gift go to hurricane relief, so you're helping both causes at the same time. Call 866-822-4883 to donate now. That's 866-822-4883. Or give online by clicking the Cross International banner at DailyDoseOfWeirdNews.com. Only seven out of every 1,000 people will live to be 100. The question is, with the state of the world as it is, do you want to live to 100? Study says people can cut the risk of early death by getting up from sitting down every 30 minutes. Unless you're getting up to get another beer, then it's kind of a wash. Picking your nose could be fatal. Close to 20% of people in a recent survey said picking their nose while driving nearly caused them to get into an accident. It's hard to keep your hands at 10 and 2 with one of them has a finger up your nostril. The unmanned spacecraft Cassini made its final orbit around Saturn Thursday and then deliberately turned and made a suicide plunge, burning up early Friday morning in Saturn's atmosphere. They're making a movie about it, Thelma and Louise and Cassini. So you lose the presidency to the biggest long shot in the history of America. How do you deal with the stress? Hillary Clinton told CNN's Anderson Cooper that she's been doing a lot of yoga and alternate nostril breathing. When asked to demonstrate, Clinton said, �You're supposed to shut your eyes. I don't want to shut my eyes on national television, but you do hold your nostril and breathe through one and you hold it and then you exhale to the other and you keep going.� Clinton added that the technique is very relaxing if you try it while sitting cross-legged on the yoga mat, and you're really trying to inhale and hold it and then have a long exhale. To sum this up, alternate nostril breathing is for political losers. The California city is going to ban pedestrians from using cell phones in crosswalks. Yeah, good luck with that. Selena Gomez has a new kidney because of lupus. Her best friend, dancer and actress Francia Riza offered up one of her own kidneys. But then Selena said she hopes she can do the same for her best friend someday and completely ruined the mood. Los Angeles has been given the official go for hosting the Summer Olympic Games in 2028. They had better leave now with that Olympic torch if they plan to arrive on time after that LA traffic. A family in England called up their local animal protection agency to deal with a rare lizard that was under their bed. The family had no idea how the lizard got there. An officer went to the home to visit the family and look at the lizard. The officer approached the unmoving reptile cautiously and was unable to identify its breed. On closer inspection it was not a lizard, but a dirty sock. When your laundry is so dirty that it's being mistaken as wildlife, it might be time to call in a cleaning service. Texas has called in the U.S. Air Force to fight the surge of mosquitoes following Hurricane Harvey. They're calling in the Air Force for that. How big are Texas mosquitoes? The California man arrived home one recent day to find a woman naked and asleep in his bedroom. The homeowner told police that when he arrived home it appeared the woman had helped herself to his fridge and shower. The man said he found a sandwich with a bite missing from it on the kitchen counter. Also an open drink had been taken from his fridge and left next to the sandwich. The victim also told cops that female garments were found on the floor in the bathroom. She tried two other beds at houses in the neighborhood, but one was too hard, the other was too soft. Doctors are now warning that you should wear sunscreen while using your cell phone or computer. Well, wouldn't that get the keyboard and screen all greasy? Why have your senior portraits taken in random meadows or in the middle of an abandoned train tracks when you can shoot them at a place you really love? According to People.com, Michaela Kleckler had this thought when it came to deciding her own photos prior to graduating from Northeast Jones High School in Mississippi and headed to her local McDonald's. The 17-year-old who clearly has an amazing sense of humor was shot in several different poses and setups, all involving the best that McDonald's has to offer. French fries, large sodas and buttermilk chicken sandwiches. You gotta love a girl with a super-sized sense of humor. A man in Ozark, Missouri, pointed a gun at another driver recently after the two got into a verbal squabble over her liberal and anti-Trump bumper stickers. The man was charged with unlawful use of a weapon and for wielding the firearm which forced the woman to smash into a guardrail. I'm guessing it was the left guardrail. Astronomers have discovered a pitch-black planet that reflects almost zero sunlight and a research effort to study the exoplanet known as WASP-12B hasn't exactly revealed what it's made of, but it has discovered that the planet is the blackest of blacks and reflects so little sunlight that not even freshly laid asphalt can compare. Scientists best guess as to what the blacker-than-black planet is made of is the hearts of antifa activists. Toys R Us is preparing for possible bankruptcy. They're planning to sell all their property, including Barbie's Malibu Dreamhouse. It has been one year since a solar-paneled bike path was put down in the Netherlands and the results have even surprised the designers. Over the past year, the path has generated 70 kWh per square meter. That's enough to power about three houses. The people behind Solar Road are hopeful that the path's success will spur more cities to adopt the idea and use existing roadways to gather cheap and sustainable energy. So how can I get my driveway paved with this stuff? Researchers say a messy desk could be a sign of genius. I say we stop the research right there and just accept that as fact. The Baltimore Ravens have rescheduled DNA Day. They made that decision just over two hours before the kickoff of their home opener on Sunday. The Ravens had planned to give out free DNA test kits to fans as they entered the stadium but decided against it at the last minute. So I guess now we'll never know who the father is of the 3,000 pregnant women at the game. The next time someone at your office lets out a silent but deadly emission, maybe you should thank them. A new study at the University of Exeter in England suggests that exposure to hydrogen sulfide – and that's what your body produces as bacteria that breaks down food causing gas – well, it could prevent mitochondria damage. Yep, the implication is what you're thinking. People are taking the research to mean that smelling farts could prevent disease and even cancer. While hydrogen sulfide gas is harmful in large doses, the study suggests that a whiff here and there has the power to reduce risks of cancer, strokes, heart attacks, arthritis and dementia by preserving mitochondria. So when dad asks you to pull his finger, you can thank him for looking out for your health. Donald Trump has taken up the offer of an 11-year-old named Frank to mow the Rose Garden lawn. Knowing how DC works, the kid will mysteriously disappear after the lawnmower's union finds out about this. A plane clipped a catering truck at Manchester Airport in England while preparing to take off, causing significant delays and sparking an investigation into the crash. Passengers had to wait about three hours before taking off on another plane. Well, at least the passengers didn't have to starve during the wait, though. After all, they crashed into a catering truck. We love them. We hate them. We can't live without them. But sometimes we just have to yell blankety blank blank blank at our computer. Almost 40% of computer users admit they have cursed at that infernal machine at one time or another, according to a worldwide survey conducted by IT security experts Avira. But not all PC users have potty mouths. 38% brag that they have never once yelled at their computer in moments of frustration. 11% have wished a catastrophe would strike the company that makes the operating system software or the computer hardware crash. 9% have actually hit their computer with an object, including a baseball bat or a fist, and 3% have picked up the computer and smashed it into the ground or against another object. Well, gee, no wonder the machines rise up against us. I don't blame them. Now they're talking about self-piloting ships and that they could be ready in three years. I am not a fan of this idea. I didn't like speed 2 cruise control the first time I saw it. Jared Fogel's ex-wife is suing Sabre, saying they were negligent in how they handled the whole fiasco. Wait, wait, what? Your husband is the child molester but you're suing his employer? Are you a little whacked in the head, too? Drinking coffee every day may just keep your brain healthy as you age, but if you drink too much, it could just do the opposite and increase your odds of developing dementia according to Italian researchers. Those who drank one or two cups of coffee every day had a lower rate of mild cognitive impairment, which is a decline in memory and thinking that's often the precursor to dementia compared with those who never or rarely consumed coffee. However, drinking more than two cups of coffee then offered no cognitive benefit. In addition, when people increased how much coffee they typically drank by even one or two cups, the rate of mild cognitive impairment also increased. So coffee is good for you, until it's not good for you, at which point you should stop drinking it. Until it's good for you again. Honestly, I don't think these people have a clue as to what their studies actually indicate. They're just making this up as they go. Jamie Lee Curtis is returning to the newest Halloween movie at the age of 58. I would call Fowl on this because she was killed in her previous appearance in the series, but then she is related to Michael Myers, which seems to be immortal, so who knows what could happen? Well, this is disgusting. If you share a bathroom with others, there is most likely traces of poop on your toothbrush according to research. Led by Lauren Aber, the research team analyzed toothbrushes from the students who used communal bathrooms with an average of more than nine uses per bathroom. Nearly 60% of the toothbrushes were contaminated with fecal matter, no matter how the toothbrush was stored. In addition, there was an 80% chance that the fecal matter found on the toothbrushes came from someone other than the toothbrush's owner. I may have to start brushing my teeth in the kitchen. Either that or start pooping in the garage. Toys R Us is declaring bankruptcy to help them recover before the holidays. So now could be the most affordable time ever to buy an Etch-a-Sketch. A report says robots will eventually take over the job of real estate appraisals. You can still bribe the property inspector, though. You just need to switch out the cash for WD-40 and electrical tape. It's come to this, but just doing your job and sitting at your desk all day, you could be raising your risk of death. A lot. How? It's your chair. It's a killer. People who sit 11 or more hours a day are 40% more likely to die over the next three years, no matter how physically active they are the rest of the time, reports a study from the University of Sydney in Australia. What can you do? If you sit long hours at work, spend your leisure time on your feet. Meaning I should be dead by now. A study says being generous makes people happier. I gotta admit, when somebody is generous to me, that makes me happier. A study has found that people who drink regularly have less risk of depression than people who never drink at all. Boy, am I feeling depressed today. Poor me. Poor poor me. Poor me another drink. New Jersey Pizza Chain Villa Italian Kitchen has created pumpkin spice pizza. They landed on the perfect pumpkin spice pizza balance. It's a magical place where all the deliciousness of pizza meets the flavors of pumpkin spice. We have gone too far with the pumpkin spice stuff. Pumpkin spice does not belong in pizza. In fact, there are a few other things I think we need to avoid as well. Here are five pumpkin spice things I hope they never make. Pumpkin spice flu shots. Pumpkin spice racks. Pumpkin spice old spice. Pumpkin spice pumpkin pie because come on, let's face it, that would be redundant. And finally, pumpkin spice preparation H. According to a survey, about 60% of Americans say they don't exercise at all. The other 40% were too exhausted to fill out the survey. Think your pets can really understand you, wish you could understand them? You just might in about 10 years. A report from Amazon suggests that the technology for a pet translator could exist within the next decade. Futurologists at Next Big Thing that carried out the study say there is a growing demand for such a product, and that existing research suggests it's possible. The report refers to scientific research by North Arizona University professor Kahn Slabochikov who claims prairie dogs' sounds are distinct and decipherable, and he believes the sound of other animals will too. Slabochikov says that prairie dogs communicate in a sophisticated language and have words for different species of predator and can describe the color of human clothes or the coat of coyotes or dogs. He's convinced that his findings on prairie dogs will apply to other animals too, including cats and dogs, and he's fundraising money right now to work on a pet translation device. Meanwhile, parents just want a translator so they can understand their teenager's slang. Speaking at the UN on Tuesday, President Trump delivered a speech in which he referred to Kim Jong-un as the rocket man and indicated that if things go a certain way, we may have to totally destroy North Korea. But other than that, it was a peaceful and happy speech. Now they're saying the reason Nicole Kidman didn't mention her two kids with Tom Cruz on Sunday night is that because of Scientology, they're not allowed to communicate. Gee, now there's a religion you want to be a part of! A study says eating a big breakfast is the key to a healthier weight, which is exactly why I start each morning with two sausage muffins and a large Coke. Hillary Clinton says in her new book that white women voted against her because their white husbands told them to. I'm told she came to that conclusion after getting dizzy from all that alternate nostril breathing. You may not think of toothpicks as luxurious, but that has not always been the case. Centuries ago, royalty-used gold and silver toothpicks and Canadian entrepreneur Peter Smith thinks there's a business opportunity there. Smith's company, Danison, is now selling luxury toothpicks made from American milled northern white birch that come in six flavors, bourbon, single malt, ginger honey, lemon, mint and cinnamon. The four-bottle pack starts at $25, with just 12 toothpicks per bottle that comes to $0.50 per toothpick. But Smith is finding that people are willing to pay a premium price for his superior product. He says people are innately hardwired to want them. Have a great meal and finish with a great toothpick. Because people will spend money on anything. A new study finds that today's teens mature slower than past generations because they are pampered by their parents. For example, colleges complain about late-night parking problems when parents show up to tuck their kids into bed. David Hasselhoff has asked a judge if he can stop making alimony payments to his ex-wife who he divorced in 2006. So far, he has given her $2.6 million. Looking between the lines of his request, it appears Hasselhoff was saying, nobody is hiring me anymore and I need the money for alcohol and pizza. Choose your friends carefully. They can make you fat. A recent study from Harvard Medical School in Boston concludes that obesity is contagious. Well, contagious in the sense that your immediate social network can influence your own weight gain. That is, if your friends are fat, you are more likely to be fat. The opposite is also true, being around thin people inspires us to also be thin. Wait a minute, if that's true, though, that if I hang out with thin people, I might get thinner? But they're hanging out with me, so won't they get fatter? Apple's new operating system iOS 11 is now available, not to be confused with the terrifying I owe the IRS 11K. A woman in Ireland apparently high on something was found standing in the middle of a road shouting at passers-by and paramedics trying to help her. When a female officer showed up to take control of the situation, the woman bit her, then yelled, if you can't beat them, eat them. She was taken to jail, where, ironically, she complained about the quality of the food. McDonald's is getting a new brand of apple juice for its Happy Meals, which has half the sugar and calories, which has skeptics asking, is it because it's half the juice or twice the water? If you want to keep your teeth sparkling white and cavity-free, don't indulge in after-dinner or midnight snacks. The BBC News reports that eating food at night can seriously damage your teeth, according to a study from the University of Copenhagen in Denmark. Here's the kicker, it doesn't matter what you eat, a piece of fruit will do as much damage as a bowl of ice cream. Well then, I guess I'll be reaching for the hog-and-dice. And the study finds that low-level nonviolent crime for dropouts pays an average of $900 per week. I don't remember them ever mentioning that at our high school on career day. A group of 45 men dressed up as Thomas Magnum from the 80s series Magnum PI were thrown out of the Tigers White Sox game in Detroit this week. The group were there for a bachelor party, and they were tossed from Comerica Park because they were told that one of them was smoking while another was cat-calling. Each Magnum was decked out in a Hawaiian shirt, a fake or real mustache, and a tiger sat. The cardboard cutout of Tom Selleck was also carried around, and it was also asked to leave. Oklahoma quarterback Baker Mayfield is blaming the team's 2014 collapse on Katy Perry, saying that she jinxed the team by making eyes at then-quarterback Trevor Knight. Then again, if you're so easily rattled that you can no longer play well because a girl likes you, let's face it, you don't have a future in professional football anyway. The study says playing tackle football before age 12 could lead to brain issues. I don't know about that. I played before I was 12, and I had no problem, cheesy poofs. If you must gain weight, the best place for that fat to land is on your hips, butt and thighs. That stored there is actually good for you, since it protects against heart and metabolic problems according to a team of experts from Oxford University in Great Britain. Hip fat actually absorbs harmful fatty acids and contains an anti-inflammatory agent that helps prevent arteries from clogging, so while a big rear may not look flattering and tight jeans, it can help you live longer. Okay, well, what I want to know is, how do I force the fat to leave my man boobs and head south? What's the most uncivilized thing we do in public? Well, if you guessed where pajama pants, you're right. According to a survey, all you people who leave the house in pajama pants, you need to knock it off. You don't have big plans as we can, do you? Well, sorry to break it to you, but the world is ending. Well, that is, if you believe David Mead, a Christian numerologist and self-described researcher, Dave says September 23 is foretold in the Bible's book of Revelation as the day a series of catastrophic events will begin, and as a result, a major part of the world will not be the same. He claims the Bible prophesies a woman clothed with the sun and a crown of 12 stars giving birth to a boy who will rule all the nations while she fights off a seven-headed dragon. The woman, Mead says, is the constellation Virgo, which on Saturday will be positioned under nine stars and three planets. According to him, the baby boy will be the planet Jupiter, which will be moving out of Virgo on that night. Mr. Mead says he studied astronomy at a university in Kentucky, but he won't say which one. He will say that the great change in our world will be the result of the arrival of Nibiru, a planet famous in conspiracy circles, but which actual astronomers, the ones who don't mind showing you their diplomas, say doesn't exist. David Morrison, a senior space scientist at NASA, says that if Nibiru were really on a collision course with Earth, we would have easily seen it by now. But that's not dissuading Mead, who points to the fact that September 23rd falls 33 days after last month's total solar eclipse as proof of his prophecy. Hey, Dave, there's one way to easily find out if you really believe all this. Just sign this little piece of paper that says all your earthly possessions and financial assets will transfer to me as of Sunday, September 24th. You won't need them, right? All the major TV networks have turned down Sean Spicer's offer to work for them. None of them wanted to meet his contract demand for his own customized podium on wheels. Sunday's Emmy Awards had one of the lowest viewerships in the show's history, probably because people were already tired of hearing about politics and they knew that's all they would get during the Emmys. And it turns out, they were right. One new study says that being neurotic can help people live longer, which is great news if you are neurotic about not living very long. John Lennon's widow, Yoko Ono, heard about a Polish beverage company's new drink called John Lemon. She threatened legal action, alleging that it infringed on a trademark of her late husband. The company has now agreed to change its drink's name to On Lemon. Ironic that the sourpuss in this story is Yoko. Hey guys, if you want a girl to go out with you, don't waste your time on candy, flowers or poems. Just find a way to play her a sappy love song. Whether you bribe the band to play My Heart Will Go On or earnestly hum truly madly deeply, simply let those sentimental stanzas melt her heart. Then ask for her phone number. In a recent experiment, single women aged 18-20 spent five minutes listening to either a neutral pop song or a romantic ballad. Afterward, the women who heard the ballad were twice as likely to give an average-looking interviewer their phone number and agree to go for drinks. And according to the documentary film Say Anything, holding a boombox over your head playing Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes is a surefire winner. The World Health Organization is now warning that the world is running out of antibiotics. So if you're planning on being sick in the near future, you might want to relocate to another planet first. I hear Nibiru is pretty close. Now they're saying that Roomba Vacuums could be collecting data about the layout of your home and then sold. That's right, Big Brother sucks. The California man went on a rampage that ended with him beating up a grocery employee with a bag of bread. A 39-year-old man allegedly entered the safeway yelling and screaming. One employee attempted to calm the man, but he responded by pushing him several times, then grabbing a loaf of French bread and hitting him in the face. The employee did not sustain major injuries, but he is pressing charges for gluten assault. Music not only lowers blood pressure, but also it does so nearly as effectively as cutting salt from your diet or exercising. According to researchers from Rohr University in Germany, but there is one big gotcha. It has to be classical music. The study, led by Hans Trapp, played Mozart's Symphony No. 4 in G Minor, various dances by Johann Strauss and Abba songs to 60 volunteers. Each person's blood pressure was taken before and after listening to the music. Mozart lowered systolic blood pressure, Strauss did as well, meanwhile the Swedish pop group Abba had no effect whatsoever, and dubstep immediately put people in the ICU. Today's Daily Dose of Weird News is dedicated to my friends at Cross International. A single gift of $60 will feed a child for a full five months in Kenya and South Sudan. I made my gift and sponsored three children, but I'm also asking you to sponsor just one, a single one-time gift of just $60. Call 866-822-4883 to donate now, that's 866-822-4883. Or give online by clicking the Cross International banner at DailyDoseOfWeirdNews.com, and thank you in advance for being a generous weirdo. If you're already an official weirdo, please share this video on Facebook, Twitter, Reddit and other social media to help get the word out. 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