 And the Abbot and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service. Camels stay fresh and cool smoking because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Rage in his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes. Tonight's special guest, Miss Claire Trevor, and starring Rod Abbott and Bruce Costello. Where have you been for the last three or four days? Where have you been, Lou? I've been looking all over for you. Oh, when's ranch? I was picking vegetables. I'm helping with the labor shortage, Abbott. That's very commendable, Costello. Oh, sure. Me, I can pick you up. Yeah, I think that's wonderful. Hey, Abbott, everybody's helping out. Yes, you should. There was even a bunch of sailors working up there with me. Sailors picking vegetables? Yeah, what a sight. It's the first time I ever saw sailors picking up tomatoes without whistling at them. Who else was up at the ranch besides you? Oh, I had a lot of beautiful movie stars up there with me, Abbott. You did? I had Dorothy Lamore and Betty Grable. They were working in a potato patch. Yes. But we had to make them stop. Why? The potatoes were coming up baked. Costello, isn't that ranch life a little strenuous for you? Oh, you said it. Every morning I'd get up at 4 a.m. and I'd milk the cows with my left hand. You milked the cows with your left hand? Sure. That's my old cow hand. Oh, I just, I like this. I'm the real man. Yes, yes, yes. Lou, Lou, Lou. I'd like to see you getting up at 4 in the morning. Wasn't it dark? What I got this morning was so dark that me and my uncle Artie started milking the same cow. You both tried to milk the same cow? Yep. There I was on the left side of the cow's crankcase. Milking the way. And my uncle Stevens was on the right side when suddenly I felt something pulling my fingers. That's strange. I'll say I squeezed many a cow my day, but that's the first time a cow ever squeezed me. Costello, do you realize while you were out of town the man from your draft board was looking for you? I know he was, and he found me too. He walked up to me while I was milking that cow and he tucked me on his shoulder. What did he say? He said, young man, why aren't you at the front? And what did you say? I should be costumering him and he milked on that end. Oh, it's Ken Miles. Hello, Ken. Well, I see the fat boy's back. Where's Costello bent all week? He just got back from his Uncle Stevens farm. Oh, the farm, right? I suppose he brought back a load of corn for the program. Look, hilarious. I'd like to take you up to the farm. My Uncle Stevens could use a man like you in a scorpio. He could? Yeah, his scarecrow was drafted. Costello, why do you always try to match with Ken Miles? He's a college man. That's right, Costello. Yes, I am a college man. I was a cheerleader at Southern California. I was the first cheerleader to have the students stand up and form the letters U-S-C. Oh, I remember that. You were the one in the middle. You made an S out of yourself. Cut that out, Costello. Cut it out. Ah, good old U-S-C. That's where I met my little wife. She was studying to be an entomologist. Studying to be a what? An entomologist. Yes, Costello. That's the person that goes around chasing little bugs. Oh, you mean she was a chambermaid? Yeah, Costello. Costello, how can you say that about a beautiful woman like Mrs. Niles? Beautiful woman. You heard me. The last time I saw a face like that was on a bottle of iodine. Oh, I heard that remark, Costello. Well, why do you sneak it in, Mrs. Niles? Was the place closed? The virgin spent two hours lifting my face. You looked like he was interrupted. Costello, I think he did a beautiful job. There was no job. That was a project. Listen, Costello, there's nothing I can do about my face. I can't help the way it looks. Well, you could stay home. I mean, you don't have to go roaming around. All right, all right. Don't pay any attention to Costello, Mrs. Niles. He's all puffed up because he did a little work on his uncle's farm over the weekend. Yep, Mrs. Niles. I'm a big outdoor man. Yes, I know. Every time I get close to you, I realize that you belong outdoors. Oh, you certainly told Costello off that time, dear. Oh, you make me feel like I'm floating on air. Oh, no. Instead of you make me feel like I'm floating on air. Oh, but I insist, dear. I'm floating on air. And I'll say that I'm floating on air. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from a couple of old guests that you should have more respect for Mrs. Niles. Don't you realize that Sunday is Mother's Day? Gee, but that's right. I almost forgot. I even wrote a beautiful poem. I dedicated the poem to you, Mrs. Niles. A poem for me, Costello? Lovely. Go ahead and read it for me. Okay. It is entitled to Mrs. Niles at Springtime. Here I go. Lylox blooming on the hill. Looking for a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke. Oh, dear. In Wump, everyone smokes camels. Everybody just goes around with a happy expression knowing that camel cigarettes have more flavor because they're expertly blended and costlier than they're called. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's bad about that, Kenneth? In the middle of Wump's main street, there's a statue with a T in its face like in the camel land. And in Wump, everybody has tried camels in his taste and throat. The T's own proving ground for camel's rich extra flavor and smooth extra miles. Well, then why are you crying, Kenneth? And, of course, they all know that in Wump, justice everywhere, camel cigarettes are fresh and cool, smoky. Oh, they're packed to go around the world. Oh, well, then stop crying, Kenneth. They're a failure. A failure. Everyone in Wump hears the Abaddon Costello show, but the survey shows that only 85 people know that Abaddon Costello were sponsored by camels. Only 85! Now, Kenneth, here, the population of Wump is 72! Well, what do you know? I'm ready to let the orchestra play an old favorite, the way you look tonight. You're staying right here in town. Now, this Sunday is Mother's Day. Mrs. Niles just called, and they need a lot of help over at Bigelbottom's department store. Oh, Bigelbottom? Yes. My cousin, Tuckite Louis. He's the store detective there. Look, here's a picture of him. We're in his bag. My goodness. He's very cross-eyed. Yep. How could he be a detective? Are you kidding? Take a good look at the picture. Yes. Can you tell who he's watching? No. Come in. Pardon me, laddies. My name is Jock McGregor. You cannot say that to McGregor. Watch out, buddy. You're going to strip your kid. Hey, quiet, Costello. What can we do for you, Mr. McGregor? Well, if you didn't mind, I'd like to say a few words in your microphone. I got it. Notice me to talk to this guy. I'll have to practice it by my scotch. Hello, mother. This is your son, Jock. I want to wish you a happy Mother's Day. And try to get here from New York if you can. I know you didn't want to spend the money for the fare, so walk down the road a ways. You might be fortunate enough to get yourself kidnapped by gypsies and save the cost of transportation. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. What do you think you're doing? I'm talking to my mother in New York. But, Jock, that's crazy. She can't talk back to you on the radio. How do you expect to get an answer? Don't worry, lad. She'll answer me next week on Fred Allen's program. There you see, Castello. Everybody's thinking of Mother's Day. The stores will be crowded, so let's go over to Beagle Bottom and give Mrs. Niles a hand. Okay. Right, Castello. Here's the employment office. Now, if we want to go to work in this department, this department store, you will have to fill out this application blank. Now, let's see. Here's the first question. What's your name? Luke Castello. You know that? Yes, I know that. And? Oh, and certainly! How do you think my folks got me with a ration coupon? All right, all right. Talk sense now, and what day were you born? Thursday. How do you know it was Thursday? Of course, the next day we had fish. All right. Well, let's give you a birthday. You always do. You never give me nothing. Never mind that now. How much do you weigh? I don't remember, Abbot. Well, what did the little card say the last time you got on the scale? It said, you will take a trip over water. And what happened? I fell in a sword. Oh. Stop this nonsense. Now we've got to get this application filled out. Now let's see. We have height, weight. Oh, here's the next question. Hair. Hair? What do you think this is on my head? Broccoli? I know. I mean the color of your hair. It's hard to tell the color because your hair is very thin. My hair's thin, yes. So what? Who wants fat hair? Ah, look. Don't be stupid. Here's another question. Why are working in the store and you happen to have an accident? Whom do you wish notified? Me. I want to be the first to know. Do you have any mark of identification? Yes, sir. I got a hole in my left stocking. Here, you want to see that? No, no, no, no, no. Come on. Take a look at me. All right, I shut up. Please, that's all the questions except for your education. Did you go to school? Oh, sure I went to school. Seems like only yesterday that I was in the fourth grade. When were you in the fourth grade? Yesterday. Ah, good morning, boys. Is there something I can do for you? I'm Mr. Plush Face, the manager, you know. Yes, we're Abbott and Costello. We need some help for the Mother's Day sale. Yes, well, have you boys had any experience working in stores? Yes, sir. I used to be a credit manager. Where? At the five and ten. But they fired me. Why? I couldn't remember the prices. Oh, well, we're so short of help we can even use them more on these days. Now, Mr. Costello, just step up behind the giant training counter here and we'll try our best. Give it up. You'll make the kids. Yes. Now, you be the salesman and I'll be the customer. Now, here I come. Good morning, Clerk. How much are your bathing caps? That's fifty cents. Fifty cents. Aren't you a little dear? Yes, I am. And you're kind of cute? Yes, I am. Ah! Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. How much are your bathing caps? Fifty cents. Isn't that a little expensive? Sure they are. You can get them across the street for a time. No, no, no. Costello, don't tell the customer that. Try it again, Mr. Plush Face. Here, I come from Paul. Good morning, Clerk. Oh, back again, eh? No, no, no. You've never seen me before. Oh! Never mind that, Costello. He wants to buy a bathing cap. See? I told you he was in here before. No. This is ridiculous. Let's switch around. Now, I'll be the salesman and you'll be the customer. Now, you go out that very door and I'll sell you a bathing cap for fifty cents. But I can get them across the street for a dime. Hey, Costello, go out that door and come in again. Okay. And remember, you're buying a bathing cap. Good morning, sir. What do you want? I don't want anything. Then what did you come in here for? It's raining outside. Listen, you want your bathing cap. Oh, no! Oh, what a dummy. Costello, go out that door and come in again. You've got to buy a bathing cap. Okay, if you say so. All right, Costello, come in again. Costello, did you hear the man? Come in again. Hello? Beagle Bottom's department store. Hello? Hello? Yes? Mr. Costello? If I haven't said Costello, where are you? In the... Good night to wherever you are. The supply line is Tarawa, Gilbert Island's stronghold of the United Nations. To Americans on Tarawa, the United States bases and outposts throughout the world go camel cigarettes by the million, by the ton. For camels are first with men in all the services according to actual sales records. Fresh camels on all the United States held islands of the Pacific mean fresh camels around your corner, too. If you want a fresh cigarette and cool smoking, get camels. They stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Both at home and overseas, more people want camels. The fresh cigarette. The cigarette with more flavor. So remember, if your store is sold out, camel cigarettes are worth asking for again. C-M-G-L-S. Camel cigarettes. Camel standard of costlier tobaccos is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. There you know, Costello. It certainly was nice of Mrs. Niles to get us a job in this department store. Yeah, we've been pretty busy, too, have it. Hey, how much money have we taken so far? $300. $300? Mm-hmm. That's enough for us. Now we can start working for the store. Come on, boys. Get busy, get busy. Uh-oh, it's Mrs. Niles. Oh, and while I'm here, I think I'll use my employees to discount and buy myself a pair of slacks. A pair of slacks, eh? You take size 52, don't you? Oh, yes, I do. How could you tell? I used to make saddles for sea biscuits. You haven't sold anything all morning. Now, I'm going to give you one more chance. Here comes our store's most important customer. She's that lovely screen star, Miss Claire Trevor. If the guys don't jump back over that counter, I'll call the store detective. Now, let's make with the shopping. My boyfriend opened up a charge account for me. He's got plenty of dough. Made it in oil. Crude? Never with me. You misinterpreted me. I doubt it. You doubt it? Yes. Now, look, I want to get him a nice present. He's 82 years old. 82 years old? Yes. Why don't you get him a bowl? A bowl? Yes. Something to soak his bread in. Take it easy, Costello. Take it easy. Take it easy. You want to get us fired? Tell me, Miss Trevor. Yes. Could we interest you in some perfume for your mother from other days? Say, now, that's an idea. Have you got Cody's sheet? Have we got what? Cody's sheet. No, ma'am, but we got McCarty's goat. I think we better skip the perfume. Oh, come on, Miss Trevor. Why don't you try a little squirt? You don't appeal to me. All right, Miss Trevor, try this perfume here. It's our most expensive brand. $90 an ounce. Oh, let me smell it. I'll take 50 cents for it. You've just whipped $2 worth. I don't know why. All right, I will need you to set up Costello so I can make a sale. Miss Trevor, maybe we could interest you in a gift for a service man. Now, that's an idea. What would you suggest for a sailor about 35? A blonde, about 21. Oh, look, boys, I can't stay in the store all day. I'd like to get something for myself. You know, something snappy. Something snappy? Yeah. Real snappy? Would you like a turtle or a girdle? But you don't understand. Do you have any notions? Oh, I have my moment. Pardon me, Miss. I'll look here, you two clerks. What kind of a department are you running here? Look at those messy shelves. Look at that stuff strewn all over the counter. Why can't you be neat and tidy? This place is so sloppy that I can hardly stand a look at it. I can't. I don't even work here. I'm going to get somebody with a brain to wait on me. Just a second, Miss Trevor. I'll stop. You've no idea how much it would improve your appearance. You got it. Please, remember our jobs. Uh, suppose we look around the store, Miss Trevor. All right. I think I'll do some shopping on the upper floors. Okay. Follow me to the escalator. No, no, no. You mean escalator. You know what an oscillator is. It's a person who wants to kiss all the time. Follow me, babe, and don't ask any questions. Never mind him, Miss Trevor. Let's take this elevator. Never mind him, please. Up and down. What else have you got? Come here to the 20th floor, please. Custello. Custello, where are you? Where's Miss Trevor? Miss Trevor, are you in the elevator? In it. I'm wearing it. Look, will you please take me down to the seventh floor? Go on down. What's the matter, Miss Trevor? Did we come down too fast for you? Oh, no. I always wear my girdle around my neck. Step this way, Miss Trevor. Here's our third department. Can we show you something? Well, a spotted leopard. No. But we got a dirty mink. Wait a minute, Custello. Hey, I have an idea. Now, there's something that looks nice. Go ahead and grab that little number over there. Miss Trevor, here's a beautiful fur coat you'd like. What in the world is that? That's genuine weasel with built-in morph balls. Custello, did your mother ever have any children that live? No, ma'am. We just... I've been watching you, boys. Oh, it's the floor worker. The floor worker? This guy is flying. Now, look here, you two. Mrs. Miles asked me to tell you that unless you sell something to Miss Trevor immediately, you'll have to turn in your pencils and your dixie cup. Oh, you kid! Please, Miss Trevor, don't make us lose our jobs. Yes, Miss Trevor. We've got to make at least one sale. How about some snowshoes? I never go out in the snow. Well, how about some sandals? I never go out in the sand. Oh, how about some oxfords? I've never been out with an ox. Why don't you try it? Thanks to the angst of the week, tonight we salute Marine Second Lieutenant James D. Feldman of Baltimore, who won his commission by exceptional bravery in the South Pacific. While the corporal, Feldman was taken to a Japanese-held island to remain for five days without any assistance from American forces. He obtained secret information, established contact with our men at the end of the five days and was brought back to safety. In your honor, Marine Second Lieutenant James Feldman, the makers of camels are sending to our Marines in the Pacific 300,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the four camel radio shows honors a yank of the week, send 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the traveling camel caravan to thank audiences is more than three and a half million yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week. A short way through our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante. Saturday to Bob Hawke in Thanks to the Yanks. Monday to Blondie. And next Thursday to Aberdeen Costello with her guest, Mr. Laird Craigar. And now here's Aberdeen Costello with the final word. Thanks, Ken. Well, Costello, I suppose you know our guest next week will be Laird Craigar. Oh, yeah. I saw him in a baseball picture. The Dodger. No, he had dummy not the Dodger, the larger. The Dodger. Craigar played Jack the Ripper. He went around killing all those women, don't you remember? Gee, we can't have that here. I'd better warn all these women in the audience to stay away. And I'll have to warn little Connie Haynes to stay away, too. But what about Mrs. Niles? She'll be here. Yeah, that's right. I'd better warn Laird Craigar. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody. For another great Aberdeen Costello show with our special guest, Mr. Laird Craigar. Player Trevor will soon be seen in the RKO picture. Farewell, my lovely. And remember, get camels for more flavor. If you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat, no matter how many you smoke, get camels for more flavor. This is Ken Niles wishing you a very pleasant good night from Hollywood.