 Watch out DCEU Marvel's making movies like you guys now. I can't be a good thing Early critics on Twitter were saying Eternals is everything we always wanted from the MCU. It's different. It's bold. It's brilliant It's not true for the next couple minutes. I'm going to mesmerize you with my spoiler-free review of this film And then we're gonna jump into spoilers. I will let you know I'll give you a heads up I'd be doing myself a disservice if I didn't ask you to subscribe to the channel right now having you in my Corners all I've ever wanted. I would be Eternally grateful if you could subscribe. Eternals is the 752nd Marvel movie in the MCU. So at this point they haven't all figured out, right? Wrong! As I was watching this film, I kept thinking to myself does director Chloe Zhao know that the MCU and DCEU are not the same? Because what she has crafted here feels far closer To what the DC has been doing lately the storytelling structure the tone of the film the look of the film the References in the movie to superheroes that aren't even in the MCU. I was just kind of mind boggled It doesn't feel like it's part of Marvel and to be fair. That's been a criticism of Marvel movies in the past They tend to get stale over time critics will say including myself. This just feels so formulaic This feels like every other MCU movie. Well good news. Eternals doesn't the bad news is that doesn't mean it works They tried something new which is commendable I guess but when you have billions of dollars in your franchise You can you can afford to take a couple risks from time to time especially with the movie like Eternals Which I had never heard of I would assume it's like a d-list tier Comic book series. Maybe I'm insulting the eternal fan out there. I apologize if I am I just I really know nothing about them Other than it feels like the roster is made up of DC characters You have a Superman you have a flash you have a Wonder Woman and they're doing the exact same fighting styles as those characters We're doing Superman's doing the laser thing He loves the laser vision he's doing that stuff non-stop he barely uses a super strength You have a Wonder Woman who's doing the knee spins on the ground like Gal Gadot The female flash however does not mirror what we've been given before and that's a good thing Now none of this none of this running style none of this going on This is how people run we have a game of Thrones actor in here who's in love with one of the Eternals her name is Cersei That's really weird having John Snow say he loves Cersei I can't get that out of my head and there is a cornucopia of characters in this We have a smattering of different walks of life different colors different shapes different sizes It checks every diversity box. I don't care people were saying that the movie was getting review bombed Because of that because there was a gay couple in the movie. Oh a gay couple in a 2021 movie Oh, how edgy are you kidding me? If it's true that people review bombing for that How sad like how honestly pathetic they had to have been review bombing for something else, right? Like the movie not being very good I was worried going into the Eternals that I was just gonna think this movie was Across the board if a movie is great That's a wonderful experience at the cinema if a movie is embarrassingly bad That can be a wonderful experience at the cinema, but when a movie is just so black down the middle That's not a good place to be and that's unfortunately where I settle with this film the special effects top tier The movie looks beautiful when you can see what's going on There are some portions of the film where I'm thinking we bump up the opacity a little bit Can we get that brightness up that exposure? Can we just just maybe about 20% push Snyder the actors are all great here I think Cersei being the main lead was a mistake. She's the most meh of the bunch Every time I saw Angelina Jolie. She looks stoic I think that's just how Angelina Jolie looks in general and I kept thinking can we give this woman another Tomb Raider franchise can we start that over and just let her try again because she's so freaking good at those types of roles They just need better scripts just better material for her to work with it checks most the box is to when you go into these Types of movies. There's a good amount to action. I was worried it was gonna be very slow But it moves decent for a 17 hour film which is weird to say because I was never bored during this movie I was never even disinterested. I just was watching thinking are we gonna wrap up at some point here feel like this What is happening? It sounds like someone's in my house jackhammering or drilling. I can't see where it's coming from. It's very bizarre very weird Anyway, let's keep going. We got some beautiful music. We got some beautiful imagery. We got some good acting I mean the script is really the big issue here on the pacing. What is happening in this movie? It's just a cavalcade of nonsense and I think the problem is when you introduce characters Called celestials this late in the game. I know they've been referenced in past MCU movies But when you really dive into it now 28 movies in or whatever we are deep it poses a lot of problems to not only past films But what's happening right now like they mentioned Thanos multiple times and the reason they give for sitting it out During endgame is laughably bad and once the plot really unfolds It makes even less sense the film does itself a disservice And I guess the biggest takeaway I have for the Eternals when I chatted with my buddy afterwards is Why why now why this story why this character group? I mean, is it just hubris is Marvel just sitting back like we can make anything popular We did Ant-Man and people love Paul Rudd and Ant-Man, so let's do the Eternals Who cares if it adds absolutely nothing to the lore of our universe? And if anything subtracts a bit from it or just makes people scratch their heads because it's convoluted. It's confusing It's nonsensical. I mean it really is DCEU territory at this point The first half is stronger to me although the jumping time periods constantly is a little jarring It's also a bit much to have to keep putting South Dakota in text. We know it's South Dakota There's nothing there but a shack. All right to summarize. It's pretty humdrum across the board. I didn't hate it I certainly didn't love it. I think it's just kind of eh. It's there It has a ton of plot holes or at least it has a ton of things It doesn't explain or even attempt to go into detail about which leaves me like completely confused And unless you're a comic book fan of the Eternals I don't know how any audience leaves this without saying like why? Why any of this? What? I would tread lightly on this one. Maybe wait for it to come out in Disney Plus This isn't one I would suggest rushing out to the theater to see unless you're really bored It looks pretty. I can say that much Let's head into spoilers now So if you if you haven't seen the movie yet, you don't want anything spoiled Maybe don't stay around for those of you that want to listen to me bitch for a while. Here we go How do you even talk about a movie that makes no sense across the board? Okay for starters? Celestials are gods, right? They're these gods that are born out of planets in order to make one of these Titan god thingies Celestials you have to house the entire planet full of a population of human life Well, not human life. Just life. I guess in the MCU. These are gods, right? They created everything maybe I don't know because there's also gods in the MCU like Thor and Odin and you know yadda yadda yadda Did the Celestials make them as well? What is the purpose of a celestial? They built these people the eternals are the children of celestial spoiler We're in the spoiler section so I can say that and they're put on these planets To I guess like do population control because there's also these evil things called deviants that are roaming around Causing trouble well who made the deviants the Celestials because the Celestials Built the deviants initially to be the peacekeepers to stop the wars from breaking out amongst humans and other alien life The deviants run amok and so then the gods are like oh God we got to start over. Let's make these ones. These are eternals. They're better They still have free will for some reason unexplained Why would you give them free will if they're sent essentially to go down there and just kill deviants and nothing more Because the Celestial also states that eternals are not supposed to interfere with mankind Alien kind whatever they're supposed to let them go about their day because the whole goal here is to get them to Populate quickly so that more of these Celestials can be born well the whole Thanos snap thing Makes less sense if that's the overall goal, right if Thanos can wipe out not only half of the population of earth, but the entire universe Why aren't you stopping him and to that point can he wipe out Celestials because then they lose half of themselves It's completely absurd. It makes no bad shit sense Also, if you put the deviants on earth Why are you still making deviants? Can't you stop making them? I don't understand any of this Maybe I'm an idiot. It's very possible But so is my buddy and if a movie can't convince both of us Then I worry the dumbest people on earth or this movie makes no goddamn sense and they didn't even bother trying We know nothing about the motivation of a Celestial Why would they secretly tell just the leader Ajax? Why would they tell one eternal? What the plan is? Oh, yeah, you guys aren't actually Human at all or godlike at all. You're just like people we make in a in a laboratory You know the movie I robot where there's a whole bunch of the same robots. That's you guys That's how we make you he tells the leader, but not anyone else. Why again? Why did he give them free will? Just make them mindless robots that carry out your actions because that's what you want them to be anyways And then he takes or it or whatever the celestial being takes their minds when they're done cleansing a planet And he houses them and then he wipes their memories and they start from scratch But he keeps the memories in like a containment zone so he can study them Because he's inquisitive or something. We know nothing about this dude And by the way, where are the Avengers during any of this? There's a giant Celestial Titan coming out of the ocean at the end of this film earthquakes are happening all over volcanoes are blowing up magma Is pouring off the mountain sides? Where are the Avengers? Where are any of them? Where's Thor? Where the Guardians of the Alexi? Where's Captain Marvel? Volcanoes are her specialty if I remember right that was her excuse For not helping out more during Infinity War if I were if I recall she was off saving other planets from volcanoes I knew that Superman was evil the moment I saw him the thick Scottish accent the whiteness the fact that he's all powerful Obviously gonna be the bad guy in 2021 right come on it goes without saying he's he's too easy of a target But here is a tip Marvel if you're gonna do evil Superman You better bring your goddamn a game because we've been eating good when it comes to evil super powered characters invincible The boys bright burn they've all handled this character hell Even evil Superman shows up for a little while in the Snyder cut So to dangle this in front of us at about the halfway mark that we're potentially gonna get to eternal versus Superman struggle Oh, that's tough, especially when you don't deliver Harnessing him down to the ground for the majority of the battle using some souped-up Tony Stark tech Isn't my idea of a fun time and don't even get me started on Jon Snow. Why? Why do I care about this character? I have a secret to that I'm not telling you and the movie ends the the my maybe the worst ending shot of any movie I've ever seen in my life the movie ends with the slow zoom in of Jon Snow and he's like I Haven't been given any instruction on what to do next and then just cuts to black Nothing not a flicker of the eye not a a transformation of swords Not a single note that could indicate some iconic theme that would be playing out somewhere else. No nothing Nothing. Oh, but there's end credits. Let's not forget the end credit where he touches the sword He's like the black knight or something. I don't know his character. I don't care about his character Marvel is really losing me Shang-Ci was fine. It was a fun time. I enjoyed it Ultimately fluff though. I mean I don't care Anymore about this universe you really are gonna have to win me over with spider-man and I have a hard time believing They're going to they're gonna drop the ball in that thing. Let's not forget about Sprite How could we a little little engine that couldn't she wants to be a grown woman? She wants to live a life. She loves she loves the evil Superman dude and I think this is maybe the most jarring character of the bunch the fact that she lives with Cersei for hundreds if not thousands of years I can't remember the time span on any of this but she's palling around with Cersei and then she Betrays her on the turn of a dime just on the flip. She's like. Oh, yeah, by the way Stabs her in the back Literally and so she's like, oh, I'm dying But then she's fine in the next scene presumably because she harness the powers of the healing Ajax I don't know that all kind of just happens. She's like, I'm dead, but no I'm actually fine joking and then to stop Sprite. She just gets clogged on the back of a head with a rock Fantastic storytelling there. That's such good good writing. I'm back on the creation stuff But what is the point of all the different eternal abilities? Half of them don't seem plausible or make any real sense Why did the celestials make one of them like a god who can control human beings? When they don't want him to interfere and control human beings Why is blinks or tricks or whatever her name is? Able to like make illusions but has no real capacity to defend herself against attacks Useless why not make them all super men? Why give them free? Well, I don't I don't understand So that's Eternals if you think about it. It's a disaster if you don't think about it. It's okay Let me know what you thought though in the comments below like the video if you had a good time Subscribe again if you haven't already I implore you to subscribe It would be a great treat for both of us and hopefully I'll see you around take care. 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