 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the heart. I'm Jonathan assay of Jonathan assay.com And I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today our topic how to Activate a man's deepest desire how to activate it really quickly if you're brand new to my youtube channel Please hit the subscribe button hit the bell so you could be notified of new videos And if any time during this video the content resonates with you Please hit that like button so I can be seen in the youtube algorithms really quickly. These are my weekend videos I shoot out on my balcony very similar to the videos I shoot my private group called midlife love mastery This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis and based on the questions You post in the group. I shoot videos just for you So check out the link below to my VIP group called midlife love mastery. All right, let's talk about how to activate a man's deepest desires So it's interesting I got a message the other day From a woman who said Jonathan, how can a man love me and yet not want to be in a committed relationship? and I thought about this for a moment and actually the answer is very simple from my perspective is because most human beings are Emotionally wounded emotionally stunted and emotionally unaware of their habits and their behaviors and while She she described that she this man loves her Oftentimes love is mis Misdiagnosed if you will because oftentimes love isn't true love It's actual attachment to another human being if you're not familiar with the work of the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller I highly recommend checking it out Because in that book it talks about three primary love attachment styles. There's anxious avoidance secure and Oftentimes these are a result of our childhood wound Parenting or are imprinting in childhood that causes to act Insecure or emotionally unavailable and yes, there are some people who are secure in their attachment styles In addition these emotionally wounded people Human beings and we're all emotionally wounded. We all have suffered some wounds in our lifetime or in our childhood And in our adult life. So it's you can't avoid being wounded It's just have you healed from your wounding one of the most common woundings that Manifests itself in our adult life is that we choose partners similar to one or both of our parents I'm repeat that we choose partners who are similar to one or both of our parents or maybe the opposite of our parent This is known as the amago the amago and if you're not familiar the work of Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt I highly recommend checking it out Because the reality is is that oftentimes we many women alike choose people like their parents and it's not necessarily love They're actually trying to heal this wound and this isn't a conscious thing We do people aren't walking around going oh, I'm going to choose that person because I'm going to heal their wound Although I do believe their spirit their divine spirit does that and it goes counterintuitive the way most of us Rationalize our lives because most of us aren't even aware of this this work Takes a lot of digging a lot of digging a lot of digging inside to understand us So I want you to think about Relationships for the most part because many of us were raised if you're you know in midlife Which is the predominant age bracket that I talked to although nowadays lots of 20 and 30 year olds are loving my work So I appreciate that But if you're from that baby boom gen X period, you know our parents were part of that World War two Period in time or just shortly thereafter So either our parents were part of World War two and the tail end of World War two But they were raised in that from parents that were either World War one and World War two So it was a whole different world back then and the way parenting was was very I mean I know growing up my dad used to beat the crap out of me I'm sure many of the men at my age bracket experience that and that was very commonplace unlike today And so the imprinting that happened in our childhood Can cause us to be a Rather emotionally dysfunctional emotionally dysfunctional and then add to that I nobody really I was talking to a school teacher this morning and we were talking about the different grades Difference different personalities of each school teacher at the school She works at and she's a kindergarten teacher But I was thinking from kindergarten on up to middle school think about it each year You had a different teacher a different personality and some teachers were very loving they gave you big hugs And other teachers were cold and stark and imagine how that can affect a child's psyche how that affects how they operate When they become an adult And why I'm leaning into this conversation is to get some understanding and awareness that most human beings are riddled with flaws and the dating process Triggers are primary wounds of I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not likable This is the dating triggers this especially today's dating which is a lot of starts and stops starts and stops and starts and stops What I mean is It could be simply you're swiping with someone and you start a conversation and then you just disappear Okay, or you go out on a first date with someone and they never call you back or you date someone three or four times And then they disappear or you you're in a relationship for a few months You've had sex together and all of a sudden, you know, the person is emotionally constipated or whatever And why I'm bringing this up is I want you to imagine how this emotionally affects us in ways that didn't happen Hundreds of years ago in the same way we're you know, I you know People are gonna look back hundreds of years from in the future looking at this period of time And this is a critical piece to understand because a lot of dating rhetoric is based on you know You know, whether or not a man's testosterone levels are high or women whether a woman sits in her feminine energy or men Are the leaders of the relationship? All this rhetoric is so makes it so confusing to understand the more important things That makes that activates a person's desire to be in a relationship And that's what I want to lean into today Starting with understanding and I brought out a book that I haven't looked at in a while But I want to bring this up for today and that is this book called emotional intelligence 2.0 emotional intelligence 2.0 why I'm bringing this up today is that the vast majority of human beings have weak or terrible emotional skills Repeat that I have weak or tear weak or terrible emotional skills if you're not familiar with my emotional maturity chart I show this almost every video, but look at that. By the way, this is not a fact It's an opinion, but I believe roughly 20% of the population at least here in the United States has clinical issues I mean true clinical issues that makes it very difficult for them to lean into a healthy happy relationship And while my my chart here says 20% is healthy. I'm being generous with that The vast majority of humans are dysfunctional Why is it important to understand this because so much dating rhetoric is pointing the finger at the opposite? At least heterosexual relationship point the finger at the opposite sex of what they're not doing right what they're doing wrong It's all this garbage without understanding What's going on on the inside with an in an inside and individual and this is you as well This is you as well This is why I'm such a big proponent of leaning into the most important factor of a relationship The most important factor relationship which is going to activate both a man and woman's deepest desire and What's missing in most? Relationships today and it starts from the very first time you connect with a person is emotional intimacy emotional intimacy Into me you see into me you see in other words now not not listen I'm not suggesting on the first date. You vomit all your feelings and I think you know share things that are very private about yourself I'm talking about instead of and I've mentioned this before and it's it's I've got a hard on for this But if there was this one famous dating coach that said The man doesn't pay for the valet never go out on a second date with them And I'm like this is the kind of information you're getting out there things like that If a guy gives a 15% tip instead of a 20% tip don't go out on a date with them because he's cheap If he doesn't pay for the valet don't go out with him. He's cheap think of how Egotistical that is that advice. I want you to start thinking of dating advice now from the premise of how much of it is Egotistical coming from maybe an entitlement perspective versus a perspective of understanding Because here's the bottom line when you can understand human behavior You can start predicting how things happen and then you can start making better choices I repeat that when you can understand human behavior, you can start predicting what's going to happen and you can make better choices So as I shared before emotional intimacy is lacking in so many relationships and what both men and women desire and What's going to activate this desire is emotional safety emotional safety Repeat that and I actually pulled up something. I read on the internet. I want to share this with everyone and that is Emotional safety safe to express themselves fully and authentically safe to express themselves fully and authentically safe to share their dissatisfaction about something Something their partner did feeling safe to do that feeling safe to share sexual desires Displacers and fantasies to feel safe to do that Safe to share their personal insecurities and fears men have been taught never to share Insecurities and fears for the belief that they're going to be perceived as weak And lastly safe to have a conversation without it Escalating to a flu full-blown argument and I'm here to say why I'm bringing this up and we'll talk about how to develop emotional safety in a moment But I'm here to say most human ladies many of you and women as men as well Operate from a fantasy perspective a fan to be a fantasy perspective that we have chemistry Everything is going to magically work out. I can't believe how many women's profiles I see hyper focused on Chemistry and men's men focus on chemistry. By the way, how to activate a man's deepest desire I'm talking about this outside of the bedroom. I mean, we could have talked about the bedroom hmm By the way, my mug says sometimes you're awesome So I want your reminder and since it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. I've got my Grinch and He says grow your heart three sizes. What did the Grinch want most? He wanted to be loved He wanted to be loved that was his main thing that he wanted and what by the way, what a great I mean, I found this shirt on the internet the other day and I thought for fun I'd purchase it for this video, but what a great illustration the Grinch, you know, many of you many human beings Make the opposite sex out to be the Grinch and is it any wonder? We are having Insanality in the dating mating and relating process because either a so many people act from an entitled place or B so many people act from a wounded insecure place that it's no wonder It's a dysfunctional mess out there. So how are we going to shift this aware? You know narrative, how are we going to change all this? It's going to start by being radically honest with one another and Folks, many of you know my rhetoric before the penis goes inside the vagina I recommend purchasing this book eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman and why I recommend this is because there are eight separate Conversations to determine if you're compatible with one another if you're compatible with one another By the way, there's a link below to all the books. I recommend In fact, my private coaching is all about how to determine if you're compatible with one another by learning the Deeper questions based on your personality. So there's a link below the schedule a discovery call with me And if you can't afford coaching check out my group Why I'm saying this it's time to get radically honest and it's time to learn better communication skills ladies I know but by the way, men are terrible at this Men are terrible at this and and women just because you can vomit your feelings and I know that sounds like a grotesque Illustration I just mean it from the perspective of just because you can express it doesn't mean it's seen heard and understood This is why it's important to learn better communication skills This is why lately I've been recommending two books how to build trust in a relationship and couples guide Couples communication guide and why this is so critically important learning these skills as well as this book Nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg because this is how you're going to activate emotional safety and Let me just say this The reason why it's important for women to understand this more so than men Because oftentimes a man's deepest wounding is from his mother It's from his mother and believe it or not I know many of you are parents and you think you're the greatest parent on the planet You did a great job with your children whom our parents oftentimes did a terrible job because they grew up in such an Emotional crisis state between World War one and World War two and and Vietnam war and depending on what country you're from By the way current countries. There's tons of war going on and That has left emotional scars on so many different levels that's makes it very difficult for so many humans to actually Feel emotionally safe in relationship lately I've been talking about a new book that I just started reading called I hear you I hear you the surprisingly simple skill behind extraordinary relationship. This teaches you the understanding of How to communicate in a way that you can be seen heard and understood and as I said a moment ago A man's deepest wounding is oftentimes from his mother because that's the primary caretaker growing up Not the father the father was usually out out at work Men's deepest wound from their father is actually feeling respected and their deepest wound from their mom Oftentimes is emotional safety and what I'm trying to say here is believe it or not it takes a woman to open a man's heart and I say this from personal experience if it wasn't for my most Significant relationship with a therapist We met 11 years ago. We had a six-year relationship. I wouldn't be who I am today It took a woman to open my heart and I'm here to say ladies you can actually activate that Grinches heart and It's gonna start with radical honesty It's gonna start with better communication skills and my invitation for everyone is to stop the romantic way of dating and Start dating more from a conscious intentional way Introduce these books and by the way, I'm getting email after email after email from women who say in Jonathan I'm doing this and it's working. So I mean, I'm already getting valid not validation confirmation That this works. I didn't need the confirmation I knew it but I'm saying so many around by the way a lot of women are finding out that the guy there with is The wrong guy and that's good too. You want the You want the wrong person out of your life so you can invite the right person in So look, this isn't easy. I know it's frustrating out there. Just even getting a date is frustrating I mean, believe me. I know this personally speaking Just even getting on a date with someone and then having that chemistry and and Determining do we share the same values and are our lifestyles blendable and is this person emotional grown up? And yet here's the sad reality Given how many dysfunctional relationships are in the world What I'm recommending Is the antidote is a vaccination to emotional chaos and this is why I'm going to wrap up Recommending my book once again as I always do what the heck is self-love anyway It's a journey of personal development self-open spiritual work So you can understand from a compassionate place What it takes to actually lean into a healthy happy relationship This was actually the precursor I was writing another book called compassionate dating and what my hope is by hearing all this You can operate from a place of compassion instead of judgment fear criticism contempt Stonewalling and defensiveness just a few things that john gotman talks about All right, I think you get the gist of where I'm going. How are you going to activate? A man's deepest desire Start by creating emotional safety Which begins with emotional intimacy and it starts with radical honesty and that's what all of these books help prepare you And with a little bit of work, maybe you can attract an amazing guy in your life So next valentine's day you're celebrating together and having a great time I hope you've enjoyed this video. Thank you so much If you have something to share, uh, please post a comment below if you like my shirt, please let me know As always, uh, please if you have found value again in my work, please share this video Please like it. Please comment and I do my best to read them all. Okay. I'm going to wrap up this video As I always do first off give myself a big gigantic John the Merrick of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask, you know Uh, give a hug to a friend, uh, a teddy bear A pet, a teddy bear, a pillow. I forgot my normal rhetoric Give them a hug because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now