 So I managed to get it in, I get in my car, I lock the doors, and then I scream. Like at the top of my lungs, you know that guttural, I can't take this anymore, hands on the steering wheel. It's just, I was a little bit louder than that. Hello there, my beautiful internet friends. I come to you today out of the suitcase that caused complete utter emotional collapse but a few hours ago. Now I did not know that a piece of luggage had the power to do that, but you learn something new every day. Joining us today, we have the very creepy Nicholas Cage fellow, you're welcome. He's back, we got a little monkey behind me and we got cakes behind me on the other side. It's a little family party here. Also there's me who hasn't showered in days and frankly has no will to at the moment. So today I'm gonna share with you something that breaks all of the rules of being disabled. Yes, there are unspoken rules. Very uncool, very uncouth, but I wanted to share an emotional truth. Perhaps the day will come when I am graceful about needing help, when I'm graceful about the reality that the world is not built for people like me, but that day was not today. I think generally speaking, I present myself as someone who's pretty comfortable with this situation because most of the time that I am. But something I've never been able to say that I feel like most self-realized disabled people are able to say is that like, I wouldn't have it any other way, but the reality is that I would. The day I had to go back to the airport to pick up our luggage because it got lost, no big deal, these things happen and all of the disabled, the handicapped parking was taken. There were like 25 spots and a solid half of those were taken up by people who did not have a license plate or placard indicating that they were allowed to park there, which normally would be okay because on good days I can walk distances, but let me show you what's going on right now. Because I've been traveling for days, something started going on with my skin and my leg where it's not good. I don't know how well you can see this on camera, but this is one of the very deep dark bruises that I have that's very painful to walk on. So when I saw that all the spots were taken, I got a little concerned because the closest parking aside from that was like half a mile away and it's very painful to even take a couple steps right now. So I was like, ooh, that's not gonna work. So I didn't get frustrated. I was like, you know what, I'm gonna get creative. Let me call the baggage people and see if they can bring it out to me. Yeah, call to call, they didn't answer. Okay, all right, no need to panic. Why don't I call the airport themselves? And I explained that, hey, I'm disabled, I can't walk long distances, but I needed to get into just pick up the baggage and go like, I've got to get back to work. Is there anyone who can bring out to me? And they're like, no, but maybe we could arrange a van to come get you in like an hour. Maybe someone could bring a wheelchair out to the parking lot, like half a mile away from the building to bring you in so that they can check your ID. You know, let me transfer you to a couple other people and see if we can arrange that. For the record, this is a very kind, nice, accommodating thing to do. No one in this situation did anything wrong. And as I'm sitting in my car thinking about this, thinking about the fact that I'm gonna have to like wait at the airport for a long time for someone to hopefully be able to come get me so I can go inside so I can show my ID, involving other people, involving like arranging travel. I was like, you know what, screw it. I'm gonna deal with the pain. And this is a personal issue that I have where I am just too damn stubborn sometimes to accept the help that I actually need. So I parked a half mile away. I hobbled my way in on the verge of tears because I was in a lot of pain and pretty frustrating. Nobody was at the desk. That's not important to the story, but I had to stand there for a while, got my baggage and headed out to the car. But this puppy right here weighed about 50 pounds. So I was struggling. I made it to my car. I'm trying to like muscle it in, which technically, yeah, I could have asked for help, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to admit that I live in a world where I need help today. So as I'm very clearly struggling to lift this bag into my car, a lady stopped and was like, hey, do you need help? And that was like my breaking point. I was like, no, thank you though. Like I tried to be nice, but I was very firm that I did not need assistance. And she was like, are you sure? I really wouldn't mind helping. And I was like, I'm really okay as I'm like struggling under the weight of this bag. I'm monkey. Did I scare you with my passion? I am sorry. As I clearly need help, I'm like actively denying it and she's being nice. So I managed to get it in. I get in my car, I lock the doors, and then I scream. Like at the top of my lungs, you know, that guttural, I can't take this anymore. Hands on the steering wheel just, yeah. I was a little bit louder than that. Because today, unlike most days, is a day that it was unable for me to ignore the fact that the world is not made for me and that I do need help, that I am different. And then it takes a lot more pain and energy to exist in the world for me than perhaps for the average person. And here's the reason I wanted to make this video. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I've realized that being disabled really just means that the world isn't built for people like you, the world is built for other people. So you have to adapt. For instance, if everyone was an amputee, we'd have a world where being an amputee wasn't a disability, where everything was already built for you. Most of the population were blind. We would have a world that is built for blind people, but we don't have that. And here's the thing that I'm not supposed to say or I feel like I'm not supposed to say. When I am reminded of the fact that the world is not really built for me, I am filled with such rage and frustration and sadness. Mostly it manifests as anger because I think it's trying to cover up something deeper and I hate it. I really hate it. And being a disabled person on social media, someone who speaks publicly about my experiences, I know that's not what I'm supposed to say. I know what I'm supposed to say from watching literally everybody else around me from what everybody tells me. What I'm supposed to say is that, yeah, there are some challenges, but I wouldn't ever have life any other way. Like this is the best thing that's ever happened to me, you know? I've grown so much, it's made me so much stronger and I don't know if it's just where I am in my journey. I've talked about this before, but I sure as shit cannot say that. This is extraordinarily hard and painful sometimes. And if I voice that, I risk triggering one of two things. This is four, so two things. There we go. If I express to someone I'm having a really, really hard time with missing my leg and all the obstacles that life has with that, I might get the sympathy voice of, oh gosh, that's really hard. I'm so sorry. Which is a lovely response. Don't get me wrong, but there's just a certain sympathy voice that we all know and understand that in many moments is not helpful. Or you get the, well it's all about mindset, you gotta be positive, you gotta suck it up and deal with it, which is also not particularly helpful to me. And so I feel like I'm stuck in this place where I simultaneously need to, and it's also expected of me to be positive and happy about this stuff all the time. And that's just not the reality. So rarely do I ever see anyone express the fact from like a real place that living in a world that is not made for what you are is really freaking hard. And sometimes I don't like it. Sometimes I'm not pleasant about it. I think I do a really good job of fulfilling the role of like the palatable disabled person who's able to pass in a normal society because I can do a lot of stuff for myself. I am a pretty positive minded sort of person genuinely. Like I can persevere through a lot, I know that. But there are some days that I fucking hate this. There are some days when I just sit in my car and I grab the steering wheel and I scream. I was recently on a podcast with a new friend by the name of Rabi Ripple. I'll link it down below. And as we were talking before and during that podcast, he was like, wow, you know, you posted something about struggling with something with your mental health and I just never would have thought that about you. You seem like such a put together positive person and I'm like, who am I fooling then? Because there are a lot of moments when this feels intolerable. And I feel like that's a bad thing to say in my community because it like shows, I don't know, weakness. Is it bitterness? I don't think so. Maybe, maybe it is a little bit. And if that's the case, that's something I'll definitely work through. I guess that there's a part of me that wants to know that I'm not the only person who isn't cool with this all the time. It doesn't feel like there's a place either in society or even sometimes personally for these feelings because it's like, well, this is your life. You've got to adapt to it, deal with it. And you got the sympathy or the toughen up from other people. Like I'm two and a half years into it. I've adapted and adjusted to a lot of things. There's so much that I can do. I am so ridiculously grateful. But my life is always gonna look different than the average person. It's always gonna be more expensive with medical stuff. It's always gonna come with days when a hole forms in my sleeve and so suction won't form and I can't walk. I'm always gonna rely on assistive devices to be able to move throughout the world. And when I say that, it feels like it's crushing my soul. Even though I know assistive devices are not a bad thing, right? I just hate it sometimes. You know, thinking about myself now compared to two years ago, I do accept help a little bit more gracefully. I'll ask for it a little bit more. But honestly, I'm still so stubborn when it comes to those topics. Maybe a day will come when something like this arises, when I can barely walk and I'm gonna have to walk a long distance and I just accept that limitation or I reach out for help so things are easier on me. But man, that day isn't a day. Feeling that helplessness and letting it in, admitting that it's there feels worse than walking on a very deep bruise that is causing me physical pain. Admitting that I need help. Ooh, not a fan. I find myself really, really angry today and in some moments and I wanted to put words to that before I've worked through it, before I've rationalized it, before I felt it, allowed it to dissipate because these moments are equally as valid and as real as the moments when I'm like, like yeah, I gotta adapt to some things, but this is awesome. Life is great, right? And life is great. But admitting that sometimes things really suck is not in my opinion a character flaw or a failing. Oh, some days are just hard and I know for a gosh darn fact that I will get through this just fine, that I will be great in a few hours or a few days. Everything's okay. Just sometimes it doesn't feel like it and I think it's okay to grab your steering wheel in an empty car, lock your doors and just scream until your throat hurts sometimes if that's what you need to do because sometimes that's what I need to do and I think it's important to acknowledge that part of a journey too because so much of what I see, being a part of this community so much of what I see is just positivity and inspiration and those things are beautiful and good but they can make you feel very lonely when you're not feeling that way. It's okay if you lose your cool sometimes. It's okay if you're genuinely not okay in some moments. It's all right to be mad and to be pissed off and to maybe even sometimes wish life was different. Those are human, normal emotions, normal reactions. There's no sin or crime or moral failing and feeling those. I felt like there was for so long but there isn't and feeling them doesn't mean that you're not still gonna kick ass at life and persevere and get through things because that's 100% what I'm gonna do and that's 100% what you're gonna do. All right guys, I think it's probably time that I get out of my suitcase, maybe take a shower, fold some blankets and some laundry, pet my puppy, pet my cute kitty, kiss my husband and carry on with my day. A huge thank you to all my patrons over on Patreon for continuing to support this channel. You guys are the reason why I can do what I do. Thank you, if you're interested in joining, there's a link on screen down below. Information can be found there but to you, most importantly, watching this video right now, thank you for spending a few minutes out of your day here with me today. You could be anywhere else in the world doing anything else and you chose to sit here in a suitcase with me with a very unshowered Joe in a very messy house and listen to what I had to say and that means a lot to me, thank you. I love you guys, I'm thinking about you and I will see you in the next video. Bye guys.