 It's crazy to think that the Hitman's Bodyguard came out in 2017, four years ago. Even more wild, these really aren't good uses of the terms wild and crazy, but even more so, it's nuts that I never sawed originally. Seen as it has Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, and Selma Hayek, three people I happen to really appreciate. It's a couple things I really enjoy about Selma Hayek, but we'll get into that later. For now, though, here's my review for the Hitman's Wife's Son-in-Law's Father's Best Friends Bodyguard. It was kind of a trick at the beginning, although I didn't originally see the first film. I did watch it a day before going to the sequel. I don't even know where to begin on it. There's just so many things that are odd and just downright bizarre about the choices made in this film. So we have to back up a little bit. The first Hitman's Bodyguard was fine. I thought it was enjoyable. There was actually some pretty touching moments. Samuel L. Jackson plays Darius Kincade, which is an awesome name, and then Ryan Reynolds plays Michael Bryce, I think. I'm bad with names in movies. They have great chemistry together. They're equal matches, even though they're on opposite sides of the playground. One is a bodyguard. The other is a Hitman. Eventually, the bodyguard will have to protect this guy, even though he hates his guts. You know, so it's got that push-pull, that yin-yang, sort of camaraderie that's going to form. Where at first, they hate each other's guts, and by the end of it, they're going to have some sort of a mutual respect. And even a friendship. Selma Hayek's great in the first movie. Very over-the-top, furious. Doesn't take shit from anyone. I loved her in the film. I loved everyone in the first film. Action-wise, eh, it's okay. Script had some fun twists and turns. Tugged at the heartstrings a little bit. And just an all-around good time. Nothing, you know, you need to really rush back and see ever again. But it's certainly something that if it was on in passing, you could watch it. No problems. So let's get into the sequel with whatever this recap was for some reason for the first film. This is going to be a spoiler-free review if that's what you need to hear for a movie like the Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard. Okay, so this film starts up zanier than the first. It's not rubbing me the wrong way, but it is a little bizarre how the tone has shifted since the, you know, the 2017 one. We're treated, if that's the term I should be using, to a dream sequence retelling from Michael Bryce to his shrink, where he is being awarded a plaque of some sort for being the number one bodyguard. The dream quickly turns to a nightmare when he sees Kincaid's face everywhere, laughing at him, mocking him. And then he runs away from the scene embarrassed, ashamed of who he is. Listen, I know all good characters go through some growth in films, but this is Michael Bryce is a completely different character here. One that doesn't like using weapons because he's on a sabbatical, as he says, like a thousand times. It kind of reminded me of Die Hard 4, the one that I try not to ever- No, I'm sorry. I misspoke. It reminded me of Die Hard 5. Jesus Christ, there's too many Die Hard movies. Bruce Willis is constantly saying that he's on vacation, even though he's not even on vacation. He's going to get his son back in Russia. He's trying to save him. So yeah, that's kind of like how Michael is here. He's like, I'm on sabbatical. I'm trying to find myself. He's calling his phone and leaving his future self-messages. He's really kind of a pansy in this film. The cool dapper Michael from the first that was able to go toe to toe with Samuel L. Jackson's character is gone. What's left is a broken shell of a man who is not even, it's not even night and day. He really is a totally different, softer, wussier character. And I hated him in this, which is sad because I don't think I've ever hated Ryan Reynolds and everything. Even in Blade 3, Blade Trinity, when I wanted to see more Wesley Snipes and got Hannibal instead, I was still like, hey, Ryan's trying. Samuel L. Jackson is Darius on the other hand. He's still kind of the same character. He's having a good time and I have to give props to Samuel L. Jackson. When you got guys like Bruce Willis and Harrison Ford who have clearly been phoning it in for the last 20 or so years of their careers, Jackson is still putting in the work in everything I see him in. This dude really is a badass motherfucker as he would constantly tell you. He reminds you of that often in this movie. So Mahiak is the same way and dear God is she still a smoke show. I don't know how old she is. I'm going to look it up right now for my own personal knowledge. Holy shit, I just looked it up. She's 54 and she's a bombshell still. Not only that, dear God is she good at swearing. She's the highlight of the film for me. Loved her to death. Could watch her in a solo outing easily. And I will say props to the director and writers for knowing what makes her so special. Not only does she make the most vulgar statements sound beautiful, but she's also drop dead gorgeous and they're showing her off to the best of their abilities. I salute them for that. However, I cannot believe this is the same director and writer from the first movie. I went to this movie with a buddy the other night that didn't see the first one. So I'm kind of rattling off the highlights and giving him a little background on the characters. And I shit you not. I said this to him. The first movie is a love story between the two leads. Mike has his head over heels ex-girlfriend that he very much wants to win back and at the end of the movie he does. And I just had a feeling she was one of those types of actresses or characters that would just be written out of the sequel. So when he asked about her and who played her, I just said it doesn't matter. I have a feeling she's not going to be in it. And she wasn't and they don't even mention her once. The whole movie's main focus was the love aspect for these two guys and their significant others and they just completely throw it out the window. It's so ridiculous. And it's just further proof that they didn't care at all in the slightest about the story, which is insanity by the way. It's almost closer to an Austin Powers parody than it does to kind of the more serious spy angle the first one had. There's characters in this that are completely off the wall. The plot is like the dumbest James Bond storyline you could think of. That's why I say it's almost akin to an Austin Powers, but it's not near that funny. One character, he's built, he's built in it. Morgan Freeman shows up and they kind of joke about the timbre of his voice and things like that, like very much something that would be in a South Park episode. And there's a flashback sequence that Morgan Freeman narrates and I just could not believe what I was watching. I'm just sitting there dumbstruck thinking, this is straight up a cutaway joke from Family Guy, how ludicrous it is. And they play it, like they play it kind of seriously? So it just makes the whole thing even more, even more perplexing. The first movie I think kind of failed in this department and so does this one when it comes to the music. They try to lure you in with the Deadpool-esque 80s and 90s throwback songs, kind of out of place choices for action scenes. Deadpool I think nailed it every time, you know, with Salt and Peppa and you know things of that nature, like never gonna dance again. This though, it's just bad. I don't like any of the song choices. Action-wise, it's definitely better. There's much longer action, I think that if you went into this just for that alone, you'd be kind of satisfied because I think there's some creative stuff in there. There's an Interpol agent who I have seen before in other things but looking on IMDb, I couldn't find out the actor's name, so I apologize. He, first off, weird choice for the actor. I think I don't really get him. He was kind of comedic, but also almost irrelevant entirely. He has a lot of focus in the first half, then he just disappears for a majority of the later half. He shows up finally at the end again. There's just a lot of people in this that make no sense. There's a British woman that has a dozen lines and she has an assistant that look like a knockoff of Jennifer Connolly but has nothing to say. The movie's constantly jumping to different locations, half of which have our characters in front of obvious green screen. I don't know how much COVID was in play during the shooting of this film, but there was definite reshoots at work here. The cool thing about Michael Bryce in the first movie was he was very confident and he was very competent in what he did. He was the best of the best. He didn't make mistakes and if he did, it was because it was like out of his hands, it was out of his control. In this one, he is so completely inept and stupid and a laughing stock and everybody just kind of points and makes jokes at his expense. I just, what happened? What happened? I'm gonna give this movie 4 out of 10 snakes serpentined around Selma Hayek's ripe young body in From Dust Till Dawn, a treasure that everyone else should witness. Not even the movie, just Google image. You're welcome. And I'm giving this a courtesy 4 out of 10 because I love the actors in it. And I totally forgot to mention Antonio Banderes who also is just randomly in this film. He doesn't unfortunately get a ton to do but God, Antonio Banderes is so cool. If I could only achieve a sliver of the coolness Antonio Banderes exudes, I would be a happy fellow. As it stands, that's not the case. Thanks for watching. That was certainly a rant, wasn't it? That's why the title's there. There's no structure. It's just chaos. It's just bedlam. Just anarchy. If you liked it though, like the video. Feel free to subscribe too. I come out with reviews every single week. You can also find me on Screen Rant every Friday doing real rivalries where I take two or more films or characters and pit them head to head. If you really like what I'm doing and want to support the channel, head on over to Patreon.com slash Adam Does Movies and throw me a dollar or more. You get an exclusive show called The Cringe where I play a satirical idiot who likes everything. It's a good time. Take care.