 For all you men and women in the armed forces of the United Nations, a rebroadcast of the Jack Benny Show with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Jack Benny's special guest singer, and Don Wilson. Here we are broadcasting from the Puget Sound Navy Yard near Seattle, Washington. And I know all you boys here are anxiously waiting to be entertained. So while you're waiting, we bring you Jack Benny. Thank you. Hello again. This is Jack Benny talking. And, Don, we have a pretty full script this week, so we won't linger on that introduction of yours. And anyway, after that wonderful boat trip we had from Vancouver, I'm in no mood to be mad. Well, thanks, Jack. And by the way, Don, we've been off the boat three days. You can take off that life preserver. Go ahead. Life preserver? Yes. I'm not wearing one. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Jack, I wish you'd stop saying things like that. You're always giving people the impression I'm fat. Oh, no, no, Don, you're not fat at all. Just that you have a little bulge around the bill. Anyway, Don, we're not here to... Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hi, fellas. Say, Jack, what were you and Don talking about? The boat trip. How'd you like it, Mary? Well, I thought it was a little rough. Rough? Certainly. Every place I went on the boat, I'd find some sailor's arm around me. Well, what was wrong with that? I was with a soldier at the time. Well, that I can't understand at all. Me either. Well, it's very simple, fellas. When I walked around the boat, I, uh, Don, the trip is over. Take off that life preserver. Mary, uh, Mary, I made the, uh, I made the... Mary, I made the... I'm laughing at my own jokes here. You think I will... It's all like Fred Allen a little bit, don't I? No, Mary, I made the, uh, same mistake. Uh, you see, that's the one nature gave Don. A built-in revolving turret. Or, as the boys here affectionately call it, a battleship blister. And, incidentally, this is the last time I ever take the cast on a boat. Uh, Phil Harris told me that the trip upset him. Well, you know how Phil is. He just doesn't like the ocean. Yeah, it hurt Phil to see all that chaser with nothing to break trails on. And, and Frankie, his guitar player, did you ever see anyone drink so much beer? Why, Jack, Frankie doesn't drink beer? He doesn't, eh? All I know is every time he looked over the side of the boat and saw a white cap, he tried to blow the foam off of it. Jack, as long as this is the time for criticizing people, let's get to you. Amiya? Yes, sir. That night on the boat, when the whole gang sat down at dinner, it wouldn't have hurt you to pick up the check. I was going to, but it just happened that the check was closer to Phil. Not until you blew it there. Mary, I was blowing my soup. Out of the side of your mouth? I always blow like that. Well, you've certainly got a good aim. Yesterday you blew the check to Phil. The day before you blew it to Don and the day before... Oh, stop, will ya? Say, Jack. What? How long did it take you to learn to blow a curb? Well, it isn't easy. First, I had to have two wisdom teeth removed. And then I had... I'll take it. Hello? Hollywood calling? No operator is not on the stage at the moment, but I'll get him. Phil! Hey, Phil! Coming, Jackson! Okay, sailors, the intermission is over. Harris is here. Phil, never mind the corny entrance. There's a long-distance call for ya from Hollywood. Oh, a long-distance call. Gee, I've been expecting this call. Hello? Yeah, we'll put him on, put him on. Hiya, pal. Yeah, what is it? No kidding. Well, how about that? Gee, that's terrific. Oh, boy, wait till the gang hears about this. So long. Phil, Phil, what is it? Yeah, what happened? Flat top got away. Well, of all the... Phil, I thought you were gonna tell us about your... about your new baby. What new baby? Your... your new baby, the one that was born Wednesday morning. I read about it in the papers. Well, how do you like that? Them newspaper guys scoop me again. Phil, you mean to tell me you didn't know about your baby? No, and gee, Jackson, am I glad you read about it. Hey, Wilson, hand me that phone. Sure, anything to help you out, Papa. May I get the number for you? Phil, who are you gonna call? Alice, I wanna tell her the good news. Phil, she knows, she knows. Oh, yeah, yeah, well, I'm so excited. I don't know what I'm doing. Well, I don't blame you for being excited. Congratulations. Yes, Phil, congratulations. That goes for me, too. Well, thanks, fellas. Oh, say, Jackson, you didn't tell me what my new baby is. Is it a boy or a girl or a... Hey, that's all there is, ain't it? Yes, you figure that out nicely, all by yourself. Well... Thanks, Jackson. Phil, your new baby is a girl. Gee, another girl. I'm a regular Papa Dion. Phil, he had five girls. You've only got two. Okay, so I'm a Papa Dion J.G. Yeah, J.G., J.G., but no kidding, Phil. You were only ribbing us. You knew about your baby all the time. Why, of course, Jackson. What do you think I am, a dope? Well, we won't go into that. Just play a band number and keep the show moving. Oh, yeah. That was I'll Get By played by Phil Harris and his makes you want to ask for C-Duty Orchestra. And now, fellas, for our feature attraction tonight, Mary, Mary, will you please stop flirting with that sailor? I'm not flirting with any sailor. Now, Mary, don't deny it with my very own eyes. I saw you winking at a sailor. I was not. I was winking at all of them and hoped that one would wink back. Don't be so forward. Besides, if it's a boyfriend you want, I'm still available. Mary, what do you laugh at that? I want one that'll last for the duration. For the duration, I know. Anything for a laugh, eh, Mary? Well, don't worry about me. Anybody who can go through three straight hours at the Beach Café isn't made of straw, you know? The Beach Café. Yeah, that Beach Café is quite a place here. I was even in the back room where they do tattooing. Tattooing? Yeah, they tattoo back there. Look, Jack, now pull up my sleeve. See? I had a wristwatch tattooed on me. Let's see that. Hey, that's the first time I ever saw a wristwatch tattooed on anybody. It looks good, too. Yeah, but the guy jipped me. It don't run. Oh, fine. He wanted to run yet. And the strap is loose, too. Oh, for heaven's sake. Now I've heard everything. Phil, as long as you've got tattooed, why didn't you get something sensible? Come in. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny. Remember me? I'm Ruby Wagner, Mary Livingston's girlfriend. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ruby, what are you doing in Bramerton? I followed you here from Vancouver. You did? For heaven's sake, stop chipping your teeth. Take it easy, will you? Okay. Ruby, did I hear you say you didn't like the boat ride from Vancouver? No, the boat was filled with sailors. She was eye upset. Why, did they bother you? No. Now, look, girls, we've got a program to do it. Ruby, you remember Jack Benny. I introduced you to him last week. Oh, sure. I'm happy to see you again. Any friend of Mary's is a friend of mine. Yes, I, uh... I know, I know. Ruby, I think you ought to go back to Vancouver. Your family will be worried. Oh, no, Mary. I'm going with you right to Hollywood. When I found out that you were a great radio actress, I decided to come and access, too. But Ruby, radio is a hard job. It took me a long time to... Oh, Mary, stop, Ruby. And I'm going into pictures, you'll say. Oh, fine. Now we've got a picture star with us. Another Catherine Hepburn. Catherine Hepburn, listen to this. Oh. The Calla-Lilies on Zoom again. Well, they are those big, beautiful Calla-Lilies on Zoom today. Ruby. Ruby. Well, you haven't seen beautiful Calla-Lilies until you've seen my Calla-Lilies. Ruby, look, Ruby. Miss Hepburn! Now, listen, Ruby, we've got a program to do. Uh, sit down, Ruby. And I'll see you right after the show. Yeah, because right now I've got an important announcement to make. Ladies and gentlemen. I'll say hello to my mother. Not now. Uh, ladies and mothers. I mean, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, we have a special guest on our program. As you know, last Sunday was Dennis Day's final appearance on our show before entering the Navy. So tonight, our guest is a popular young singer who, in a very short time, has made a great name for himself. And here he is, 20th Century Fox's new singing star, Dick Haines. Thanks, everybody. Thank you. Dick, it was awfully nice of you to come up here all the way from Los Angeles and help us out on our broadcast. Well, I'm very glad to do it, Jack, for you and for Dennis Day. You know, Dennis and I are pretty good friends. Well, that's well. I'm glad to hear it. By the way, Dick, I want you to meet our gang. This is Don Wilson. Hello, Dick. Hello, Don. Say, Jack, who's the guy behind him? That's still Don Wilson. And this is my orchestra leader, Phil Harris. Hello, Phil. Hi, you, Richard. What are you going to give out when you make with them tonsils? What? Well, the kid's going to loosen his lungs and lay it right on the line. Phil, what are you talking about? Oh, Jack, he's just beaten his gum to some hip-jive about my hot pipe. Oh, oh, I get it. I was a little slow for a minute. Well, Dick, now that you've met everybody, how about singing your... Oh, don't mind me, Jack. I'll go out and sit with the sailors. Oh. I'm sorry, Mary. Dick, this is Mary Living, then. Hello, Mary. I always listen to you on the radio. Gosh, how can a girl that's so pretty say things that are so funny? Oh, Jack, I'll make you say that. All of us pretty girls. Mary, don't be facetious. Go ahead, Dick. Bump your gums, kid. Bump your gums. I'm hung by Dick Hames, and I was really swell. Thanks, Jack. By the way, Dick, we're going to finish out this season with guest singers. And next Sunday, we're flying up to Whitby Island to broadcast at the Naval Air Station. I wish you could be with us. Well, I'd like to stay, Jack, if you can get me a better place to sleep. But, Dick, Seattle is so congested, you should be satisfied with the place you've got. I know, but that Bremerton ferry is so crowded. Oh, yes. Yes, I can appreciate how noisy it is. Well, it wouldn't be if you didn't snore so loud. Well, this is my fault. The boat keeps rolling me over on my back, you know? Anyway, Dick, I'm glad that you'll be with us next Sunday. So am I. Huh? Oh, Dick, this is Ruby Wagner from Vancouver. Well, I'm pleased to meet you, Miss Wagner. Any friend to Mr. Denny's is a friend of mine. Yes, yes, we're all friends. You know, Mr. Haines, I think you have a beautiful voice. Ruby. When you sing, I could just die and believe me, it ain't easy to kill me. Ruby. Look, Ruby. I used to listen to you all the time when I was... Now, Ruby, stop. Now, sit down. Oh, go button your cuffs and swear your hat. Oh, mind her, Dick. She's a friend of Mary from Vancouver. And any friend of Mary's is a friend... Sit down! Say, Jack. Say, Jack, I have friends in Vancouver, too. Did you have a nice week up there? Oh, it was wonderful, Grand. Well, how'd you like that boat trip coming back? From Vancouver, oh, it was terrific. It was great for an old sailor like me. Now, can I love the sea? I was up on that top deck for eight hours watching it. Now, wait a minute, Jack. Why don't you tell him the truth? What do you mean? You know what I mean. Listen, Dick. This is so kind of you. We were in Vancouver. It was a half hour before boat time. And Jack was in his hotel room getting ready to leave. A Rochester. Rochester. Yes, boss. Rochester, we gotta hurry and get out of this hotel. The boat leaves in half an hour. I know. And you should have finished packing long ago. But boss, I had to go up on the roof and take your shirts off the line. Oh, yes, yes. You know, Mr. Benny, it's a good thing we're checking out of here. The hotel laundry is gonna manage you. Oh, they are, eh? Well, I've got a right to do my laundry if I want to. Oh, yeah, but not everybody. Don't be silly. I didn't do everybody's laundry. I just happened to help out a few friends. Friends? They didn't even know who you were until I slipped those cards under their doors. What cards? The ones that said wet wash, rough dry, flat work, and violin recitals while waiting. I just did that for a gag. Anyway, Rochester, let's, uh, come in. Did you call for a bell boy? Yes. Uh, I don't have much time to make the boat, so will you please rush these things down to the lobby? These? Yes. Hmm. What's the matter? Well, some people in checking out of this hotel are taking little bars of soap with souvenirs. Others have had the nerve to take some towels. But Mr. Benny, a mattress. What? Are you accusing me of taking a mattress? That's what he said. That's what the man said he said that. Rochester, stop helping him. Now, why in the world would I take a mattress? To go with that bed we got from the last hotel. Rochester. He, he took a bed? To go with the bathtub we got from the- Rochester! Stop making up those ridiculous things. Now, listen, boy, I had nothing to do with this mattress. It was rolled up by the maid. Oh, it was, eh? Yes. Well, unroll it and take the maid off. Can I help her if she's clumsy? Now, grab these bags. I don't want to miss the boat. Here on the top deck. That's wonderful, Mary. And the water's so calm and clear. Yeah, Tonsie, there's nothing like a boat trip. Ain't that right, Jackson? Rochester, give me another one of those mother-filled seasick pills. Another one, boy? Yes. If this is going to be a long trip, mother better speed up production. Rochester, please stop joking and give me a pill. Hey, Jackson, why don't you just take it easy and relax? Relax? Right now, he looks like a glass of milk with no glass around him. Fellas, cut it out, will you? Gee, I'm glad somebody feels worse than I do. That's a boat whistle. Oh, yes. Rochester. Rochester, how long before the boat docked at Seattle? Well, hours. Well, hours? Why so long? We haven't even left Vancouver yet. Another pill, Rochester. Another pill. The Jack Benny Show is rebroadcast, especially for you soldiers, sailors, marines, and coast guardsmen of the United Nations. Now we turn the remainder of the program over to the Benny Bandmaster, Phil Harris. Music, Phil. Here's the Armed Forces Radio Service.