 Welcome to Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes. This podcast was created to provide you the information and tools Doc Snipes gives her clients so that you too can start living happier. Our website, docsknipes.com, has even more resources, videos, and handouts, and even interactive sessions with Doc Snipes to help you apply what you learn. Go to docsknipes.com to learn more. Hi, everybody, and welcome to Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes, practical tools to improve your mood and quality of life. Today we're going to be talking about helping the type A person live happily. And to do this, we're going to look at 15 type A behaviors and ways you might be able to address them in order to reduce your stress and sense of helplessness, increase your sense of empowerment, and overall happiness. So the first thing that characterizes people with type A personalities is they're plagued by a sense of time urgency. Oftentimes they can be hostile and have misdirected anger because when things don't go well or don't go fast enough, it starts to really stress them out so they can snap at people. They often have poor organizational skills because they take on too many things. They just want to do everything all the time and have a tendency to take on multiple tasks simultaneously. They strive for perfection in everything, which often leads to doing many things poorly instead of a few things perfectly. And although they accomplish all of their goals and complete them with high quality, they often may neglect other areas of their life. People with type A personality hate the idea of wasting time, so they often do things the moment they come to mind. They think they always have too much to do and not enough time to do it. And you know, I'm guilty of this. I am probably in the definition of type A personality. And I'll tell you, you know, things come up and I think, oh, I want to start writing another book. Of course that's what I start working on right then instead of saying, well, maybe two weeks from now when I finish these other projects or let's start another podcast, you know, you need to get the all the stuff ready on the back end so I can start doing that. And the people I work with can get a little bit frustrated with me because something comes to mind and I'm like, okay, let's do it now instead of slowing down and pacing things as much as I probably should. So in order to function well in an environment where there are not all type A personalities, it's important for type A's to figure out what must be done. You know, really look at the things that you think need to be done and say, which ones must be done or there's going to be really bad consequences. Where I work, you know, obviously in a clinic, when we see clients, we have to bill for services. If we don't bill for services, we don't get money, we don't get money, the doors don't stay open. Okay, so that's a big thing. You know, that must be done. Writing my book, yeah, I'd like to get to it, but if I don't start writing that book today, you know, nothing bad's going to happen. So it's important to really prioritize the things that must be done in order to, number one, not overload everybody else, but also not overload yourself. The other thing to start thinking about is why does this have to happen? What would actually happen? Actually happen if some things on your list didn't get done. And I've had a hard time kind of embracing that over the years and I've gotten a lot better. But, you know, I always have a list of things that need to be done and I feel like I have to be doing them. I have to be working on them. And in reality, okay, sometimes they're not going to get done. Last weekend, you know, on my list was getting out and digging the holes for the sweet potato slips that were supposed to be coming in. I didn't get to it. And you know what? It's okay. No big problems are going to arise from it. A type A person when they don't achieve those goals, when they don't clear off their task list, can start beating themselves up and saying, I should have gotten this done or I should have gotten that done. Well, that's just a waste of energy. So take those shoulds and throw them out the window. What did you get done? Focus on the things that you accomplished and what's important to you. Type A personalities often have trouble understanding the stupidity of others. They don't believe themselves necessarily to be exceptionally gifted but often believe that if you want it done right, you need to do it yourself. So a lot of this quote stupidity may come from viewing other people's perceptions and ways of doing things as incorrect because they're not your way. So it's important to look at that and think about, you know, what things can you delegate? You know, what things can you give to somebody else? And as long as they get done, it's good. You know, it may not be done the way you would do it. But as long as it gets done, it's okay. And be able to accept different definitions of completed. You know, I have certain definitions for what a clean house looks like. That's not the same definition that my family has. So, you know, do I want to spend a whole lot of time doing it myself or nagging at them? Or am I going to accept their definition of clean as acceptable? And I've had to work kind of with that. So I can delegate and say, you know what? It's clean enough. And I have a hard time with that enough. But it releases a lot of stress interpersonally when I'm not nagging at people and when they don't feel like they're always going to be getting criticism. So it helps in relationships which can help improve your mood. The other thing to consider is when you delegate things, and when you let other people help and do it their way, what is the worst thing that is going to happen if it doesn't get done the way you want it done? You know, there are a lot of different ways to achieve the same goal. It may not be your way. And you know, maybe you'll have a chance to do it your way at some other point. But what's the worst thing that's going to happen? You know, if my daughter cleans the house and she doesn't do it exactly the way that I would do it, what's the worst that's going to happen? Nothing because it's clean. It may just be different than how I would have done it. Type A personalities often become passionate about things they do. All of the things that they do. This is why they often start getting irritable. Everything's important and it's impossible to get everything done. So I'm passionate about my work. I'm passionate about my garden. I'm passionate about my kids. I'm passionate about, you know, I could go on for a while. Make a list of the things that are important in your life and prioritize them so you can have laser focus on one or two of your passions. And that's one of the things that I've learned over the years with animal rescue and gardening and working out, being a mother, teaching, I can't do it all at one time. So I have to prioritize. The spring is generally, you know, the late winter, early spring is generally when there's puppy and kitten season, when there's a lot more orphan animals that need to be rescued. Well, that's great because that's also the same time that I can't get out into my garden. Too cold to plant anything. So I can't do the gardening and the animal rescue at the same time. So I focus my attention on the animals. Then when we start getting into late spring and summer, that's when I focus on my gardening and I back off on my animal rescue as much and so on and so forth. I have work every day, you know, that's just one of those things. But on my, during the times when I'm not at work, you know, figuring out how to prioritize those other things I'm passionate about are really, really important. That way I don't run myself ragged because if I'm running myself ragged and then I'm no good to anybody and I'm generally not too pleasant to be around. Because they're so passionate and because true success takes patience, any sort of early failure may easily discourage the type A personality. So two things come here. When you're so passionate and you're going so full bore all the time, you can get exhausted. Whenever I used to take a new position at the company I used to work at, my colleagues would regularly say, this is a marathon, not a sprint, pace yourself because I would get in there and I would be so passionate and I'd be working 16 hour days and really wanting to get things the way I wanted them sound kind of type A ish to you. Yeah. Anyhow, you know, and the clinic had been running fine, you know, okay, up until that point. Yes, I had some work to do, but it wasn't like we were going to have to shut our doors if I work didn't work 16 hour days. I took it upon myself. I was excited. I was passionate. So it's important to figure out how to pace yourself because life is a marathon. It's not a sprint. And if you run out of gas, you know, you get into it and you're just giving it all, you're all for, you know, a week or a month or two months and then you start getting sick and burned out and then you don't care anymore. So pace yourself. What has to be done now? The other thing to look at is how can you deal with failure in a way that helps you grow and be even more successful at a task? So when you try to do something and you fail, even if you're passionate at it, you know, how can you deal with this in a way that helps you learn? Animal rescue is an example. Well, that's a sad example. So I'll use gardening for the past two years. My zucchini plants do great in the spring and, you know, they grow and they produce zucchini. And then after that first harvest, they wither away and die. And that's not what's supposed to happen. They're supposed to continue to produce. And that's frustrating. So, you know, three years ago, my garden didn't produce pedidally squat. And I had put a bunch of time into it and I felt very disheartened about it. So I was tempted to go, you know what? The heck with it. I'm not going to do this anymore. But then the logical side kicked in and said, no, learn from this. The frugal side kicked in and said, no, you put way too much money in this to give up it now. But going out and figuring out, okay, what went wrong? What could be causing this? So it's important to think about failure as an opportunity to learn how to do it better. Type A's are prone to stressing and being irritable. They do their best to see into the future and can't shake the fact that things can always go wrong. Because they're passionate about what they do. This makes them dread the ever possible and always looming crappy outcome. I used to be this way in college when I had a paper due. If the paper was due on Friday, I would print it out and have it done on Tuesday. Why on Tuesday? Because if on Tuesday when I went to print it out, the printer died or was out of ink or something, I wanted to make sure that I had plenty of days to be able to figure out how to get it printed. So I was always considering what possibly could happen to get in my way. When you start worrying about the future, you're tying energy up in the future. Energy you could be using right now. And you're tying it up on things that may not even happen. Oftentimes probably won't even happen. So why are you worrying? So identify what you're worried about. The facts foreign against the belief. If you're worried that the printer is going to be out of ink, what are the facts foreign against that? How many times have you tried to print something out that it's been out of ink? When was the last time you changed the printer cartridge? If it was last week, then you're probably good to go. And is this outcome likely and probable or one in a million? Now my printer being out of ink is a little more common than one in a million. But if I know that I just changed the cartridge a week ago, then I can be pretty confident that everything's going to be fine and it's going to print out just fine. Once you've done everything you need to do to be prepared, then you've got to just kind of let things go out as they may. So if I have a paper due, I try to print it on my own printer if for some reason it didn't work. I always have a drop-back-and-punt plan and I can go to Kinko's or somewhere and get it printed out. So that helps quell the worry so I'm not worrying about, oh my gosh, am I going to be able to print it out? Am I going to be able to turn it in? It's important to think about what things you can do to make sure that you've done everything you can to ensure your success on the task. If you're getting ready to go into a job interview, have you prepared? Well, if so, okay, well then go do it. Once you've done everything you can to prepare, there's nothing more you can do. People who worry about tornadoes, for example, well, they're going to happen. That's just the way the weather is. So do you have a shelter? Did you, when the tornado warning happened, did you get everybody down into that sheltering area? Once you've done that, there's not much more you can do. You can't make the tornado turn around. So worrying about it isn't going to do any good. Although they know they should take more time to relax, they don't find it appealing. Plus, when they want to relax, they just can't find the time. They often feel most at home working and doing their thing, and it's difficult for them to appreciate getting away and slowing down. And I can totally relate to this. I enjoy what I do. I'm passionate about what I do. I love what I do. So it's hard for me to say, well, I need to step back from that for a little while. And it takes a lot of cajoling often to get me to step back. So try and experiment for a month. Pick a day each week to relax and unwind. Try to do a whole day, but if you can't manage it, do eight hours. But one day where you're not working on any of those projects that you're quote, passionate about, you are just letting your body relax. You can do something fun with friends or even just veg out with a good book. Write in your journal how you felt at the end of that day. Also write in your journal how you felt the next day. Usually when I take a day off from the gym, for example, I love going to the gym, but sometimes I need to do other stuff or I just take a day off and let my body rest and recharge. But since I've had a break from it, I'm that much more eager to get back into it the next day. So a lot of times taking a break and forcing yourself to slow down allows your body to rebalance and recharge. And you have more creativity, enthusiasm, and all that kind of stuff. The next time you approach the task. Although Taipei's love sleeping because, you know, being passionate about a bunch of things all the time is exhausting. They often have trouble stopping their thoughts from racing when they try to lay down and go to sleep. So one of the first things that I tell people is it's important to have a sleep routine. And there's a whole section in my book on tips for dealing with depression that goes over sleep routines. You can also find a video on our YouTube channel. But when you have a sleep routine, then you're training your brain to start winding down. Part of a sleep routine is also cutting out caffeine sometime before you try to start winding down. But we need to train our brains to start winding down. Incorporate 30 minutes or an hour of non-work, non-past related activity that can help you get out of the traffic of your mind. So when I go home and I start my wind down routine, I play Scrabble, Words with Friends, whatever you want to call it, on my mobile device. Or I'll watch television and crochet. You know, anything to kind of turn my brain to mush where I'm not thinking about what I need to do the next day, what I didn't get done that day, yada, yada. I am thinking about something that is relaxing. When you notice your mind start to race, because it occasionally will, write down what you're thinking about on a notepad so you can think about it the next day. If you get caught with a thought and you go, oh, I've got to follow that. Most of the time, you don't have to. You're choosing to. So when that thought comes, write it down because you can handle it tomorrow, most likely. And try to avoid naps. A lot of times, because you're exhausted, because you're not sleeping well, you may want to nap. But naps will disrupt your circadian rhythms. So if you must nap during the day, keep it to 10 to 20 minutes. You don't want to fall into a deep sleep. You don't want your brain to think that it's sleepy time and start making melatonin. So take a brief little power nap, if you will, if you absolutely have to. But ideally, avoid them all together. Train your body that it needs to be up from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. or whatever your schedule is. And then it can sleep during the other hours. For type A's, things always need to be done. They're able to focus intently and block out the rest of reality, calling it getting in their zone. If you're a type A, you're going, yep, that's me. Unfortunately, when somebody dares interrupt the zone, they're usually in for a tongue lashing, which can cause problems in relationships. And I'm guilty of this. When I'm working on something and I'm in my zone and somebody interrupts me, I'm like, ah, really? So I have to kind of check myself. When I used to work in the clinic, if I were going to go into my zone, so to speak, I would shut the door and put a note on it that says, do not disturb. And if it was a true emergency, obviously, they would disturb me. But that let people know that I was kind of going into my focus zone for a little while. When I'm running, when I'm at the gym, I put on my headphones. I have my headphones on to be in my zone. And when people start trying to talk to me, I find it a little annoying. That's my type A. So it's important for me to kind of keep that in check and recognize they're not trying to be rude. Some people don't mind interruptions. So it's important to let people know that you're in your zone and not to be disturbed, however you can. But also, again, like at the gym, some people are very well-meaning and you want to respect that. How can you schedule your in-the-zone times to mesh with the schedules of other people in your household? So when I was working on my dissertation and I like my schedules on the Myers-Briggs, I'm like off the chart on the J section. I love structure. And I had it scheduled. So I was working on my dissertation and doing my schoolwork while my husband was sleeping because he was on night shift. And then when he woke up, I was generally close to being done with my work. Now, if he got up, woke up early, that usually threw a monkey wrench into it, which I didn't handle the best because my schedule said I was working until two. And if I got disturbed before two, I tended to be a little bit cranky. Once I had kids, all of that rigidity kind of flew out the window. For type A's, doing things efficiently is their first priority, spending as little time, getting as much quality work done as humanly possible. Well, efficiency is great. I love being efficient. When I take over new programs, I always look for more efficient ways to do things. But when you're so busy being efficient, you often miss a lot of things. What happens if you took a more relaxed pace? So for example, when I'm driving home from work or to work, if I'm being efficient, I can be returning phone calls or thinking about what I need to get done that day and making my little mental list of what needs to be done. And I can be very, very occupied, but I miss a lot of things. I miss the birds on the power line and the sunrises and all that kind of stuff. So what would happen if you took a more relaxed pace? For me, there are no negative consequences. If I take a more relaxed pace and just say, you know what, during my time on the drive to the office and from the office, that is my time to connect spiritually with my higher power. And that's what I do. And it's a little bit slower. Yes, I'm still multitasking. I'm driving and connecting. But I am taking stock of the things that are going well and doing that sort of thing. And it feels more relaxed to me. What things do you miss when you're multitasking and trying to be as efficient as possible? You know, think about your kids growing up. It's so easy to miss things because they grow so quickly. So if you are too busy being efficient in other areas of your life, you may miss things that you can't ever get back. Type A's are perfectionists. It's not that they're trying to be perfect, but blemishes, mistakes and inconsistencies frustrate them and they find them ugly and appalling. Okay, so what does it mean if you're not perfect? I know when I go through the first book that I published, I still can go through and find the occasional typographical error. And it just kind of is like fingernails down a blackboard to me. It is what it is and it's out there. What does it mean that I'm not perfect? Well, in reality, it means that I'm human because none of us is perfect. So we wanna really look at why do we feel as Type A people we have to be perfect? What happens if we're not? How do we feel as Type A people about other people who aren't perfect? You know, and look at people that you really care about not just Jim Bob down the street because it's easy to judge people who you don't care about but your spouse, your child, your brother, your sister if they're not perfect, you know, what does that mean? That means you accept them as human and you may get frustrated with them occasionally but do you love them any less? Does it make them any less wonderful of a person? Hopefully not. We also need to remember as perfectionist there is a point of diminishing returns. The difference between an A and an A plus on a paper isn't gonna make a difference in your GPA most of the time. Some things you want to be completely perfect when I do woodworking, which is why I don't do woodworking, honestly because it needs to be perfect. That's also why I don't paint. My grandfather was a professional painter and he always taught me that you have to have crisp lines and I can't do crisp lines to save my life. So I just don't even do it. There's a point of diminishing returns, worrying about getting the line perfectly crisp or getting the spaghetti sauce to taste exactly perfect, you know? There are gonna be some varieties, there's some variation but you know what, that's okay because a lot of times the time you spend getting something from really awesome to perfect, there's, it takes a lot of time and energy and the reward for that amount of time and energy is negligible if it even exists. It's a lot of times the reward is only in your own head. So you only have so much time. Continue to ask yourself when you start thinking I need to re-proof this report for the seventh time, is it worth it? Is anything you find at this point going to make a significant enough difference that it's gonna have an impact? And the chances are you're gonna say no. So once you've done a good job and you feel proud about your work, be willing to let it go even if it's not perfect. Cause remember the person who graduates medical school with a C average is still called doctor. Think on that for a minute. Type A's make plans. We make lots of plans. We love to plan. Unfortunately making plans isn't always efficient because it takes a lot of time to create plans and often even the best laid plans need to be adjusted or just totally scrapped. So all that time you spent making the plans out the window. Since type A is like plans and structure when things don't go as planned it greatly increases their stress. If you're a type A, you're saying yep. Yeah, that's how I feel. So before doing something, think about what you want the end goal to be. And I'm gonna use a sports metaphor here. You know, when a football team goes out to play the end goal is they want to win. And they may have a plan for how they're gonna do it. How they're going to manage their defense. What they're gonna do in their offense. If they're gonna do a running game or a passing game. And that's their plan going into it. But then they get into the game and they realize our plans aren't working. So then they have to metaphorically drop back and punt. They have to change their strategy cause they want to win the game. But at this point doing it the way they've been doing it isn't working. So they need to adjust. Getting upset because that beautiful plan you had laid out isn't working just drains your energy. There's no function to it. Use that energy to figure out, okay. I still want to win the game. So what do I need to do to get us back on the right track to improve the next moment? So let those plans go. Don't be insistent on holding on to them with white knuckles. Be willing to let them go and say, okay. Well, let's try something new. Type A's have a tendency to cut others off in conversation. Not to be rude, but to be right. What's the point of letting somebody yammer on with some nonsense when you can just tell them the way it really is and then you can both move on with your lives, right? Well, no, wrong. It's important for type A's to practice active listening. We need to slow down cause remember that efficiency thing? We want to go fast. We want to get to the point, get the conversation over with, move on to the next topic. We need to slow down. We need to practice active listening. So we hear everything the person says before we start formulating a response. That's really hard for a lot of type A people to do, but we need to practice. We need to try to think while we're listening instead of what our response is, we need to try to think about how could they also be right? Maybe they have a different way of doing it or a different point of view, but how could they also be right from their point of view? Remember, assertive communication means recognizing that everyone's thoughts and feelings can be valid. So maybe you're talking about some scientific study and finding. And you have very solid beliefs one way about this scientific finding. And somebody else is talking in a way and has a belief that's contradictory. They say, no, it has to be this way. How can you both be right? Well, one way to think about it is what research do you both have? Maybe that person read different articles than you did. So the research that you were reading, both of you got the important points of it and it's a matter of figuring out how that research fits together. Type A's always have a plan for the worst case scenario, it's a necessity. So think about what's the worst possible thing that you can possibly imagine happening? Losing your job, your dog getting run over by a car, cancer, Armageddon, Type A's, we've got plans for that. So as Type A's, we need to practice mindfulness. We need to focus on what we have in the present, not all the things that could go wrong. So instead of worrying about Armageddon, it could happen, be happy with what we have right now. Instead of worrying about if a tornado is gonna come during the next tornado season, be happy with what we have right now and make sure we've got a plan in place. Identify which parts we have control over. So if we're worried about Armageddon or EMPs or whatever. Okay, so do you have supplies that could help you survive for two weeks or a month if for some reason all the power everywhere went out? Whatever you're thinking. Okay, that part you have control over. You can't control whether it happens or not, but you can control whether you're prepared for it. Use your energy purposefully to protect and care for what's most important to you. And then once you've done your part, it's up to the powers that be. So in our house, cause we live in Tornado Alley, we have a plan. We know where we go during a tornado warning. We know who we're gonna take down there. We've gotta corral all the animals and get everybody in there. We know what supplies we need to have in there. And then after that, we just have to turn it over and be okay with whatever happens. Type A's walk fast and with a purpose, doing all they can to avoid lines of any sort. To them, walking is getting from point A to point B in order to do what needs to be done at point B as soon as possible and as efficiently as possible. So they can move on to point C. We don't see an end, we just see stops along the way. It's important for type A's to slow down. When you're walking, focus your senses to notice what's going on around you. Do you smell spring? Do you see cute squirrels playing tag or feel a cool breeze on your skin? What is it that makes you happy? You know, those things are what make me happy. I love watching squirrels. And I love the smell of spring. I love opening my windows after a long winter and smelling that crisp air. One song by George Strait says, it isn't about the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away. So just kind of sit with that for a minute. We can take a lot of breaths, we can do a lot of stuff. But if we don't feel a sense of awe and wonder and just have our breath taken away occasionally, at the end of the road, we may start going, well, what was the point? Why did I keep doing that? Because it wasn't bringing me joy. There's always gonna be more stuff on your to-do list. So realistically, think about in what ways will slowing down cause you harm? And I think you're gonna be hard-pressed to figure out a lot of ways. Realistically, most of us, type A people, could slow down and there wouldn't be significant harm. Now, does that mean sitting on the couch for weeks on end? No. But we can slow down one day a week. We can take time when we're walking to our car to appreciate what's going on. We can take time, for example, when I pick my kids up from Martial Arts to hang out and talk with my friends who are the other parents instead of going, okay, everybody in the car, chop, chop, we need to get home, we got stuff to do. Yes, we've got stuff to do. But if I take 15 minutes to talk with a friend, that's gonna make me feel happy. And that's gonna be one of those moments that takes my breath away, so to speak. More so than making sure that we get home 15 minutes sooner to put the animals away. To overcome the type A time management style, people have to first look for the motivations behind their behavior. Why do we feel we have to be super human or perfect? Who's saying that you need to be perfect, that you need to do more, that you need to? A lot of times it's coming from our own head. Sometimes it may come from people from our past that held us to this high standard, but most of the time, it's self-imposed. Oftentimes, we're seeking approval from somebody, maybe your parents or you're trying to prove somebody in your past who said you would never amount to anything, you're trying to prove them wrong. Or we may be running from some other source of anxiety or frustration. We may be afraid that people will reject us and abandon us if we're not perfect. So the next step in dealing with, living with a type A personality, is to begin dealing with the fears and anxiety underlying the hostility. So when things don't go our way, when we're not completely in control, we may start feeling, fearing rejection. If we're not doing everything all the time, we may start feeling rejection. Why is that scary? And then looking at who accepts us and do we accept ourselves? Because a lot of times again, we are the ones rejecting ourselves and saying, well, you should be doing this. Take that word should out of your vocabulary. We may feel fear failure. So developing a love relationship with failure, embracing it as an opportunity to learn and not fearing rejection if we fail. Think about all your friends. Have they failed at things? Do you reject them because they failed at things? No, sometimes you will fail and get rejected. If you have a bad job interview or you apply for a job and you do poorly at it, you may not get the job. But is that job crucial and pivotal in your life? That one particular job? Yeah, we need to have a job. But maybe that one job was not a good fit for you. Who else do you have and what else do you have in your life that shows that you succeeded at things and that you're accepted? And why do you fear the unknown and loss of control? Why do you have to hold on to everything so tightly all the time? What happens if you let other people take charge? Maybe in your past, you let other people take charge and they let you down. Okay, it's reasonable to be cautious. So, slowly develop trust where you can delegate things to people and be willing to accept a little bit of ambiguity because sometimes it produces unexpected awesome results. I hope you enjoyed this podcast and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for tuning into Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes. 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