 So, this morning I was reading a comment from one of my YouTube followers about the notion of taking it slow in a relationship, and I think she was commenting mostly on the fact that my relationship has moved rather quickly compared to most. And so I wanted to lean into the idea of whether or not you should take it slow or move quickly, which is really the right pace for you. Let me first say this. Every relationship is different. You cannot peg one relationship against another, against another, against another. And when I say peg, I mean make comparisons. And certainly there is a value of looking at relationships from the perspective, not just from a role model, but also to what you can glean from the lessons learned from every relationship, whether it's your own relationship or other people's relationships. I think there's a real value of getting a sense of context so you can make your own choices. And so what really is this about taking it slow or moving quickly? And I think what, I think the real question becomes, or at least in my mindset, sense, sets is, do I feel a level of trust with this person? Do I feel safe with this person? And for some people that meet much like the way my girlfriend I met, we felt an affinity for one another right from the get-go. So number one, we had a strong connection with one another that wasn't predicated on lust or limerence. And what I mean to say is, lust is that sexual desire you have for someone. And while I felt sexual desire for my partner, I wasn't craving that as the sole reason for getting to know them. So that's number one. Number two is limerence. Limerence is extreme infatuation. This is where you literally put someone up on a pedestal. And whether you're a man or woman, I think this happens frequently when we think we're with someone that's maybe better than us. And that's certainly a reflection of our own capacity of not feeling strong within ourselves. And I've experienced that. I've experienced that with women whom I've never met. I love their pictures. I was so enamored by their photographs that I was put them practically up on a pedestal. OK, so coming back to what I said, a strong connection. Because what I've experienced with my partner was an affinity. I think we feel an affinity for one another. So that's box number one. Box number two is that we're rather intentional with each other. We're rather intentional with the process. In other words, we practice radical honesty. We practice laying our cards on the table, meaning we've expressed our past relationships. We've actually unpacked our past relationships as a backdrop to how we might operate in the future. And we've been very intentional what our needs, wants, and desires are in a relationship. So that's the intentionality. The third piece is self-reflection, self-awareness. In other words, recognizing our own, I don't want to say weaknesses or deficiencies, but those things that might be a red flag to another human being. I'm hyper-aware that I can be needy. I'm hyper-aware I can be impatient. I'm hyper-aware that I have anxiety in my life when I don't feel safe. And when I say I'm hyper-aware, I'm just aware of it. And I've expressed that to this person to get an understanding of who I am. Now, some people believe that might be a form of weakness. I believe genuine vulnerability is a form of strength. I love what Brene Brown talks about, is that the most courageous thing you can do is to be vulnerable with another human being. So in our case, because we had these, we were capable of moving much quicker. Now, I think also the distance, because this has started as a long distance relationship, that's not going to be the long-term plan of it, and actually it's gonna change rather quickly, is that we had concentrated time with one another to explore the depth of our relationship. In fact, at one point, we spent 12 days together, 24-7. Now, some people might call that moving fast. Well, that might have been different if she actually lived within driving distance. Okay, so now let's talk about taking a slope. So I was talking to her this morning, I go, how do you think this relationship would have been if you lived in the same town? Well, I think it would have ended up the same way. Now, partially because our lifestyles are conducive to actually spending a fair amount of time together, one of our mutual love languages with each other is both physical touch and quality time, and for me, my number one love language is words, although I'm also recognizing that those are my top three words, physical touch, quality time. So I desire that connectivity on a regular basis, and she does as well. So taking it slow, well, I think what happens with taking it slow is that there isn't a feeling of trust, and for some people, they need to move at a slower pace to build trust. That's absolutely okay. The challenge with a slower pace though is you could spend months upon months upon months with someone and not know if you're in a significant relationship with someone because they're taking it slow. I was recently talking to a woman who spent four months with a man who said, I'd like to take it slow, and she was uncertain if they were in a committed relationship. They were having sex together, but she was uncertain about what his desires were because he wasn't intentional in the process because he wanted to take it slow. And so I think it's really important if you want to experience a juicy, delicious, happy relationship, I believe is to quickly lay your cards on the table right from the get go, be radically honest, and radically honest simply means vulnerable, authentic, and transparent with this person because transparency in the sense of if it's material to the relationship or a potential relationship is express what's coming up in those cases. Does this guarantee, I mean, could you have a false sense of intimacy with somebody if you'd move quickly? Could it be a tinder, swindler? Absolutely, but I'm not suggesting that moving quickly from a love bombing perspective from that luster limerence perspective because absolutely this could blow up in your face. It's about really moving from a sense of intentionality and more importantly is discussing those spaces within you that might be a weakness in the relationship or a red flag. So she and I, in our particular case, we completely unpacked our childhood wounds and our traumas as well as our adult traumas. We've unpacked it with one another as our level of communication. Our communication isn't how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Most people focus on their individual day because they're focused in the moment. And I'm here to say if you wanna build a bond with someone, there might be some value to unpacking your childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas. And at the same time, you have to be aware of those things. Now, interestingly enough with her, she really has never been with a man like me that actually explored those things. So I was flushing out her past experiences with her parents to get a sense of who she is. I'm here to promote the same thing is you have to flush this out of another human being. And I prefer to do it sooner rather than later because the worst thing that can happen like the client I was talking about, four months into a relationship, the guy wanted to take it slow and it was a meandering relationship. He was getting all the benefits of sex from her, but they weren't really building the deep roots of trust. How do you build trust with someone? Social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy with one another. Here's the thing, if you don't need a man to sustain your livelihood, those basic needs, then I'm here to encourage everyone to start leaning into emotional intimacy with someone to build the deeper roots of trust because at the end of the day, what's the point of being in a relationship if you don't feel good? It's about feelings. It's not necessarily about who pays for dinner or who pays the rent or who pays the car payment. Those are peripheral things. At the end of the day is can you connect at a heart center level? And that's my invitation for everyone to focus on that. So how do you make that happen? Institute, radical honesty, laying cards on the table right from the get go to create a better chance of having a successful relationship moving forward, taking it slow, moving fast, go at the pace that feels right for you. And at the same time, ask deeper questions sooner rather than later so you don't waste time by taking it slow. All right, that's my invitation. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Please post a comment below. This resonated with you. If you have something to share or add, as always, if you find value in the group, please tell your friends about midlife love mastery, send them to my website, jonathanasley.com. Have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. And I'm gonna sign off this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrow of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye-bye.