 We humans have made the finding a partner ritual so complicated that even experts are still finding new tips, tricks, and hints. This dance can often feel unnatural to us, making initial forays or revisits after long breaks unnerving. We even have a name for the dance. Dating. It's a jungle out there and we'd like to give you some tips to help you navigate the new terrain or help you reacquaint yourself. Expansion pack included. Number one. Know yourself. Before you even contemplate who the other person is, you definitely need to know you. This will save you an incredible amount of frustration and time if you already know the fundamental basics of what you need in terms of values, treatment, beliefs, ideas, and support. Think of it as the absolute essentials, the deal-breakers if you will. For example, you can probably live with a person who likes a different brand of chocolate than you, but you might never be able to stay with someone who refuses to comfort you when you're crying. Spending some time exploring which behaviors you value can help you develop reasonable and tangible expectations. When you understand this, you can confidently allow yourself to cross off the list, those who don't meet your needs. Number two. Go at your own pace. Hey, who's in the whole dating thing again? That's right. It's you. You're a part of this and so you have every right to decide how you are going to go about it. Sure, other people may try to nudge you in particular directions, but you are the only one who 100% knows what's going on inside and can tailor your speed to it. In fact, being rushed could be considered a red flag. If someone keeps pushing, rushing, and insisting despite you indicating otherwise, this is a sign that the other person can't take no for an answer. Which in turn implies just how little your needs matter to them. Number three. Think of each step as practice. Do you expect to hit a hole in one the first time you break off? Well, dating is kind of similar. It takes practice. These days, online meeting through texts, apps, and even online forums is far more common. No one you know has vetted these people and if you are used to meeting people in the traditional way, this can be daunting. Certain behaviors show up more often than others. For example, if you're a heteronormative, a woman will have to deal with many messages from men with a blunt, aggressively sexual approach, while the men deal with ghosting from the ladies. Interestingly enough, if you're pursuing a same-sex relationship, there is a tendency for less pressure on who sends a message first and a lot fewer in your face inappropriate replies. Number four. Communicate and be honest. As nerve-wracking as it might be, dating is supposed to be a good thing, a fun thing. And there are a few things less fun than severe discomfort from awkward silences or cringy outbursts. Quite often, many of these painful dates stem from one or both parties not being honest or communicative about their intentions, actual wants, needs, and boundaries. Certainly, first impressions are important. We're not telling you to go on a first date in your binge watching PJs after not having brushed your hair. Think of it more like, if you're not actually a hot-shot gazillionaire, don't act like you can make it rain. The truth will out eventually. And that leads to seriously awkward, sometimes super embarrassing confrontations. Oh, and wasted time. So much wasted time. You do want to tell just enough so both of you understand each other. Spilling everything with all details in history in a torrential flood, especially early on, is overwhelming. While it may not be advisable to gush, marriage on a first date is a good idea to be forthcoming about why you are dating. Whether it's a hookup, a long-term thing, or even just haven't met anyone new in a while. In the same vein, don't go on and on about past partners. But being honest about the big stuff, like being widowed or divorced, etc., will help steer interactions in the right direction. Giving some general but honest info will help avoid red flag status too. It's about balance. If you're returning to the dating scene after being away for a super long time and give no reason, that seems suspicious. On the flip side, if you spill every single moment of your past like you're trying to find absolution through therapy, this is also not good. Okay, number five. Watch out for red flags. And speaking of those red flags, look out for the four major ones. Criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. But what exactly am I looking for? You ask. Don't worry, we got you covered. Criticism isn't a one-off, you're late. It's an all-or-nothing thing with the criticism flag. So more like you're always late, or you never notice me. So the movies were right on this one. Only a Sith deals in absolutes. Defensiveness is like a pre-attack. Everything you say becomes the opening salvo for a debate, fight, or guilt trip. An offhand comment of, it's raining pretty hard. Why'd you park so far away? Gets a response of, I don't want my car to get scratched. Do you know how much that costs? It's just rain. What's your problem? Or asking for fun. Do you think a hotdog is a sandwich? And do you get a full-blown insulting tirade about giving a name reasoning to manipulate a result? I mean, come on. Sometimes a question's just a question. Stonewalling, on the other hand, takes an inactive approach. Just like it sounds. You say a thing, or try to talk after a conflict, and the other person doesn't respond, or they go offline. You explain your stance, and they either act like they don't care, or they simply act like you didn't say anything at all. Contempt. The most sinister of the four horsemen of the apaca- I mean, of dating. Contempt goes hand in hand with being condescending. They'll behave in a mean-spirited manner, humiliating you or otherwise making sure you know they're superior in some way. So demeaning jokes at your expense on a first date? Run away. In fact, if any of these red flags make themselves clearly absolutely known, the best course of action is to turn and leave. And not after giving it a go for a year. Leave quickly. You'll have noticed that they all entail the flag bearer not caring about their partner, or at worst, using their partner as a tool. Like a sport though, dating also has a yellow flag, where there's unease, but you're not really sure if it's really a thing. When in doubt, ask an expert. You could also sit back and ask yourself how you'd feel if this treatment was being received by someone close to you. When put in that light, we tend to lose the rosy glasses of initial dating forgiveness. Tell someone you know where you are and be aware of your surroundings. I know you've been watching those docu-series or at least have seen the newsfeeds. You know the ones where the aftermath involves a friend or family member of the victim saying, we had no idea where they were, if only. Always let someone you trust know where you are and with who. You never know when something may happen. It might be something petty like this is super awkward. Can you conveniently show up or call so I can leave this date? Or on the other hand, it could possibly save your life. As much as we're all digitally connected, always remember that someone you met online or while waiting for coffee is not someone you know. Dating is complex. We want to arm you with your best chance, so stay tuned for part two and take that stride and pride. We're here for you.