 The Jack Benny program transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike means lime tobacco, richer tasting, lime tobacco. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! Friends, this is Don Wilson to tell you that Lucky's win again. That's right, Lucky's win again in a national smoking survey among college students. In 1952, a survey was made in leading colleges throughout the country which showed that smokers in those colleges preferred Lucky's to any other cigarette. In 1953, another nationwide survey was made. A representative survey of all students in regular colleges from coast to coast. Based on thousands of actual student interviews, this survey shows that Lucky's lead again lead over all other brands, regular or king size and by a wide margin. The number one reason, Lucky's better taste. Yes, Lucky's do taste better. First, because they're made of light, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And then, Lucky's are made better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely, smoke evenly, actually made to taste better. After all, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste and the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. So be happy, go lucky. Get better taste with a carton of Lucky's. Be happy, go lucky. Get better taste today. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby and yours, Trilky Topwell. And now, ladies and gentlemen, in presenting the start of our show, it gives me great pleasure to bring you a man who... Just a minute, just a minute, Don. Hold it a minute. What? Don, today, instead of you introducing me, I'm going to introduce you. Me? Yes, Don. Ladies and gentlemen, today not only marks the anniversary of Don Wilson's 30th year in radio, but it also commemorates his 20th year with me. So, Don, take a bow. Jack, this is so touching. Don, this day is yours. Today we will all pay homage to you. When I say we, I mean the entire cast. Your slightest wish will be our command. Whatever you... Don. Don, you're crying. Well, gee, I can't help it, Jack. Either way, those tears are running between your chins. It looks like you're irrigating. Now, Don, please stop sniffling. Well, I'm all right now, Jack. I just couldn't help getting emotional when I realized that you've been with me for 20 years. No, no, Don, you've been with me. With me. To think that I came on this show when it was down and because of the... Down? And because of my personality and showmanship, I raised it to the pinnacle of success. Down. Wait a minute. It wasn't easy and there were many setbacks, but every time the show was down, I brought it up again. Now, wait a minute, Don. My show was never down. So don't make things up. Well, now let's not argue, Jack. Really, let's don't argue because, well, and besides, I want to thank you for making this not only a memorable, but a profitable occasion. Profitable? What did Jack do for you, Don? Go ahead, Donzie. Tell Bob Crosby. Well, Bob, not only did I get $500 cash, but I also got a brand new disorder convertible for my wife, a trip to New York for the two of us on the Super Chief, and a whole week at the Waldorf Astoria. Jack, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Oh, gosh. Jack gave you all of that? No, but it was his letter that got me on strike at Ridge. You're done right. Well, Jack, I guess it won't seem like much now, but, well, since today is Don's 20th anniversary with you, the boys in the band got something for him, and here it is, Don. Oh, do you think, Bob? What is it, Don? Well, I'll wait, Jack, until I unwrap it. Okay. Boys in the orchestra? Yeah. Oh, Jack, look at this. A diamond-studded cigarette lighter. Well, I'm glad that you like it, Don. My musicians went through a lot of trouble to get it for you. Well, Bob, that's a beautiful lighter your boys got for Don, but you think it would be wrapped a little better. Who did it? The owner of the store. The owner of the store? I could have wrapped it better than that. Not with your hands up over your head. Bob, you mean the boys held up a jewelry store? Well, it was an accident, Jack. You see, when they walked into the store, Remly had his guitar under his coat. Uh-huh. The man thought it was a machine gun. He threw up his hands and said, Take anything that you want. Well, that's still dishonest. Frankie should have opened his coat and showed the jeweler that it wasn't a gun. Oh, Frankie did better than that. He took out the guitar, started to play, and the guy said, Look, you got what you want. Stop torturing me. Well, that, that I can understand. Anyway, Bob, it was very nice for your boys to bring Don that present. Well, he deserves it, Jack. After all, he took this program when it was down and he started... It wasn't down! Now, look, this show is in five minutes old, and already I'm aggravated. That makes two of us. Oh, hello. Hello, Dennis. What's the matter with you? I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. So what? I fell out the window. What? It's three stories. Boy, am I lucky I wasn't hurt. Oh, you landed on your head, huh? Was that it? Was that it, Dennis? No, on the mailman's head. Oh, fine. I guess he'll have to find himself a new job. A new job? Why? Yeah, now he's too short to reach the mailboxes. I don't know, Dennis. Everybody else just goes along. Why do these stupid things keep happening to you? Oh, I guess it's because I got such a bad start in life. You know, I was an incubator, baby. An incubator, baby? How much did you weigh? Eleven pounds. Dennis, if you were that big, why did they keep you in an incubator? They were afraid to let my mother get her hands on me. Oh. Well, what did your father have to say? Nothing. He was hiding in there with me. Dennis, this is all very interesting, but why don't you just sing now and save the rest of your biography for this is your life? I'd rather you got me on strike at rich. All right. I'll do it sometime. Just sing. Yes, sir. Seems to shine like you've had too much wine at Samore. Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling, and you'll sing beats. Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay, like a gay tharrandella. When the stars make you drool, it's just like a bust of a zoo at Samore. When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet, you're in love. When you walk in a dream but you know you're not dreaming, senior, excuse me, but you see back in old Napoli at Samore. Just like a bust of a zoo at Samore. When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet, you're in love. When you walk in a dream but you know you're not dreaming, senior, excuse me, but you see back in old Napoli at Samore. Just like a bust of a zoo at Samore. Just like a bust of a zoo at Samore. When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet, you're in love. When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet, you're in love. When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet with a cloud at your feet, you're in love. When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet, This time a hundred thousand dollars. She fell down your steps Roger she's suing me for a hundred thousand dollars cheer up boss. I got some good news for you, too What good news you won the dog? Rochester who cares about the dog? I'm being sued for a hundred thousand dollars. Tell me was the woman badly hurt She claims she sprained her ankle Brander ankle. Well, right. That's no grounds for a suit like that. That's what I told the poor man with it Four men are they lawyers? I think so their names are habeas corpus to let die in Gisler Gisler she just sprained her ankle. I didn't blacken her eye I'll look Rochester don't admit anything and get in touch with my insurance man. I'm covered for things like this, okay? I'll see you later. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh Say boss now what we just got a copy of parade magazine and your pictures on the cover parade magazine Oh, yes. Yes, and my pictures in color, isn't it? Uh-huh. How do my eyes look green? Green Spinach ad when you hold up to the light you look like you're peeking through a head Or I'll see it when I get home. Goodbye. Good. Where was I? Oh, yes As I started to say tonight for our feature attraction. We're going to do the story of Don Wilson's life Please Jack really. This is embarrassing. Now. Don't you be so modest done you deserve it? Yeah, I'll say after all you took the show and it was down and you put it And anyway Dennis that was 20 years ago, and you were only eight at the time, so how would you know I had a radio on my incubator? Yeah, yeah incubator now come on. Let's get on with it Ladies and gentlemen in honor of Don Wilson's 20th year on my program We're going to present a play based on his life The Don Wilson story or life can be plentiful Hurt music Darling, it's a boy And the proud father said yes, aren't we lucky the stork brought us the boy and the stork said oh my aching back And giving him his bottle now come on, baby. Come on. It's time for Betty boy. Now, baby stop that Baby stop Baby put me down We have endured. Okay. Now Donald chose your little eyes and mommy was stinky to sleep Rock-a-bye, baby in the tree top When the wind blows the cradle will rock if the ball breaks the cradle will fall Down will come Donald Denver and all So dear he's asleep years passed quickly and don entered college And since his burning ambition was to become a radio announcer he majored in elocution How now brown cow? How now brown cow? And the cow and Don To what his professors told him. Oh donny boy Face the world. You're not afraid But go where he comes with your degree But remember donny boy when you become an announcer and step up to that microphone You gotta act sense To make the positive e Limb when it's a negative latch on To the affirmative don't mess with mister in between You gotta eat none See it's the clarity you words with Familiarity and add it on to your popularity. Don't mess with mister in between To illustrate our last remark. Jonah in the well. No in the art What did they say just when everything looks so dark? I sure would like a lucky yeah, man It's lucky strike for me like We know that you'll agree and puff On an elefemantine don't mess with mister in between. Oh, no Don't mess with mister in between How now You may go in and see him now, mr Wilton thank you nurse. Oh and uh, don't stay too long. It was quite an accident and well your father's quite old now Yes, I keep forgetting. You know, I haven't seen him for years dad Dad Howdy blubber Just can't get over it. What's that son? Well, I know it's been a long time since I've seen you but I'd hardly recognize you How come you look so different because bob crossby can't play the part of an old man See my sponsor really has a nice building here He certainly believes in advertising. Look at that big neon sign The universal corset company and look at their slogan Gather unto you. What is yours? Well, I better go in I beg your pardon sir But would you tell mr. Willoughby that jack benny's here to see him? Well, mr. Willoughby's expecting you mr. Benny go right through that door. Thank you Yes, mr. Willoughby, please. Oh, you're mr. Benny. Mr. Willoughby's expecting you go right through that door Thank you Yes I'm here to see mr. Willoughby. Oh, you're jack benny. Yes, mr. Willoughby's expecting you go right through that door Thank you Miss i'm jack benny mr. Willoughby is expecting me Who's mr. Willoughby? Look miss, isn't this the universal corset company? Yes Well, mr. Willoughby is the president Mr. Willoughby Yes, mr. Willoughby. I'm jack benny. I know I know come right in thank you Now mr. Willoughby, what is it you wanted to see me about? Well, I hate to bother an artist of your stature with trifles But a strange thing has happened since you've been broadcasting for us. What's that? We've been losing money We've been selling corsets for 15 years and this is the first time the company is feeling the pinch Mr. Willoughby, just what is your complaint about my program? I can't stand the way you read our commercial I want you to hire an announcer. So I started auditioning announcers. I tried voices. All right bud. You're next read this The universal corset company presents jack benny now the show opens and you say That's our fault I decided to try my luck at the famous at me Elocution school A with a u is a u a u d with a u is d u d u u d u a u a g with a u is g u d u E with a u is e u e u a u e u d u d u Very good students very good. Now. What did you think of that mr. Benny? P with a u is p u p Oh, I'm sorry. You see I'm a big comedian and I couldn't resist the opportunity But I really am looking for a radio announcer. Well, you've come to the right place now Let's see in this class. I have little harry bonzell billy goodwin jimmy wallington And that fat one over there is donald wilson Donald wilson. Yeah, I like that name and he looks like he might be just right for my program Well, certainly mr. Benny. I'll call him over. Oh, donald Donald this is jack benny How do you do how with an h and an o and a u and an o and a d is a how do you do? Now mr. Wilson I'm considering you as an announcer for my program and if you take the job I hope everything turns out fine. Thank you Uh now about your salary mr. Wilson. Oh, I'm so anxious to get into radio. I'll work for my three meals a day Well, I wasn't planning to go that high Look mr. Wilson money isn't everything and you said yourself that you were anxious to get into radio I know but if I'm not going to make a halfway decent salary. Why should I go on a show that's down? It's not down How did I get in the script? It's in there because it happens to be true. It is not It is not I don't care. My show was never down. It was too. You stay out of them. Don't pick on him green eyes What That doesn't get back to my story the story of my life. I don't care about your life. I'm sick of it I'm going home. Goodbye. Jack g with an o with an o with a d with a bd bike. Goodbye Don't cry and be nice Ladies and gentlemen when a fella needs a friend He needs a helping hand And the hands of the big brothers have helped thousands of growing boys to find the way to a useful life Since the first big brother movement was formed in 1904 to the many thousands of men who daily volunteered to help I say congratulations for a job well done If you are interested in being a big brother to some needy boy, write big brothers of america philadelphia 3, pennsylvania. Thank you That will be back in just a minute But first a word from america's foremost authority on etiquette. Miss. Amy Vanderbilt Some of my friends tell me that in my new book on etiquette. I was a little hard on smoking Actually, I was hard on smokers at least some smokers I dislike thoughtless smokers You know the man next to you at the dinner table who holds his cigarette so that the smoke drifts into your eyes I like considerate smokers For instance, I like to know that my husband is considerate enough to carry my brand of cigarette Lucky strike In smoking as an etiquette it is after all all a matter of taste I want a cigarette that tastes better to me than any other That's lucky strike Friends. Amy Vanderbilt is right Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste And the fact of the matter is lucky's taste better Cleaner fresher smoother There are two good reasons first. They're made of fine tobacco The whole world knows ls mft Lucky strike means fine tobacco Then lucky's are actually made better to taste better made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly It all adds up to real deep down smoking enjoyment for you So take a tip from me and be happy go lucky next time ask for a carton of lucky strike Lucky tastes better cleaner fresher smoother Lucky strike Hello, Rochester. Hello boys What's that? That's the cotton span of your one in the raffle Oh, isn't he cute? You better like him a lot bossy may wind up costing you 150,000 dollars Wait a minute the woman that fell down was only suing me for 100,000. What's the 50,000 for? You're being sued again the dog just bit somebody Oh No, good night folks The jack Benny program is written by sam perron milk joseph berg george balzer John tackaberry al gordon al goldman and produced and transcribed by hillyard marks The jack Benny program is brought to you by lucky strike product of the american tobacco company america's leading manufacturer of cigarettes Stay tuned for him as an andy who follow on the cbs radio network