 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Roos and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin and yours truly, Bill Foreman. First a word from RCA Victor. Go tropical hopping across Europe, span oceans and continents with RCA Victor's new portable radio, The Strata World. This seven-band AM shortwave portable is powered to pick up the world. It has electrical band spread tuning that automatically separates foreign stations usually crowded together on the dial. You can tune in Tokyo, Panama, London, Paris, like your local radio stations. And The Strata World will play anywhere. It operates on batteries or on AC or DC current. Furthermore, there are three antennas. A built-in antenna for normal reception, a special window antenna for trains and airplanes, and a push-button shortwave antenna. All these features and more, many more, are built into this powerful portable radio. And with its smart, luxurious styling, it's a truly handsome piece of luggage. No wonder The Strata World is already standard equipment for seasoned diplomats and world travelers. See and hear the new Strata World portable. One of a wide assortment of dependable table models, clock radios and portables by RCA Victor, world leader in radio. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Well, as we all know, a housewife's lot is not an easy one, and Alice has had a particularly trying week. So to take her mind off household chores, Phil is rewarding her with an evening out. Since this doesn't happen very often, the occasion calls for a little extra primping. Gee, I hope I followed directions on this new cold-wave lotion correctly. It's supposed to set the curls in just 20 minutes. Let's see. Apply solution over entire head. Well, I've done that. Then wrap pin curlers over the head beginning at the front of the head and work back. I've done that too. Well, I've only one more curl to do. Around and under and fasten clamp. There. See, I hope it gets dry by the time we're ready to leave. Don't worry, honey, for a dozen I can always wear my hat. Hey honey, I want to thank you for doing the back. One of these days I'm going to buy a rear view mirror and then I won't have to bother you anymore. I don't mind it all, Phil. Here, I'll hold up my mirror and you can see how it looks. There. Can you see the back of your head now? Yes, I can. And Alice, you're getting careless. Why? Number five is inside waves. Number five is not inside waves. Honey, it is too. I can see. I'm just going to snap that curl and see if it springs back into place like they show you on television. Yeah, yeah, I'm all right. It's only a flesh wound. Eight or ten small stitches and I'll be as good as new. You know something, honey? There's no use talking. They just don't make a curler strong enough for my hair. I just can't stand that tension. I've got more spring in my golden ringlets than they put in the front wheels of a new Hudson. Well, while I'm waiting for my hair to dry, honey, I'm going to look through the paper and pick out a movie we'd like. You know, I think there's a good one. Whoa, there goes another one. Hi, everybody. You ready? Oh, hello, Elliot. Hey, Elliot, any particular movie you'd like to see? There was a wonderful picture at the rendezvous starring Horace Wedgewood. Who? Horace Wedgewood. He plays in English gangster movies. Gee, you should have seen his last picture. What a thriller. It was called Act of Love, or Bulldog Drummond Gets His Distemper Shot. I can remember an actor named Horace Wedgewood. Oh, sure you do. He talks like this, good show, top hold, carry on, pip, pip, cheerio, all that sort of rock. You know the guy. He had his upper lip removed so he could do British part. That doesn't mean a thing to me. I never heard of the guy either. Sure you have, Curly. Don't you remember that scene where Horace was wearing the trench coat and the crushed felt hat and he pushed his way into the Piccadilly tea shop, whipped out his Webley 44 and said, Oh, I say now, Herbert Addison, we got you dead to rights, will you have? Come along with me right off without now hog you in or I'll let you have it. He'll have it. That he did, Governor. Right between the crumpets and the hostess cupcakes. Oh, this kid's been using instant opium. Look, Elliott, at the risk of semen normal, why don't you go to your movie and we'll go to ours? No, no, no, no, no, Curly. I'll go to any movie you want to go to. I was just thinking on the way over here how long it's been since I went to a movie. And you know I'm the kind of a guy that used to go to... Hey, Curly, number five's in sideways. I know, I know. Alice goofed again. Now, let's see. Here's the paper. Now, let me see what's playing around town. Hey, what do you say we see a Western? Here's one called The Charge of Feather River. And then there's War Arrow. Oh, here's a good Western. The Battle of Cactus Gulch with Rocky Steele. Oh, man, I'm crazy about him. Oh, you and your Western. Well, Rocky's great, honey. He can not only handle a gun real good, but he plays a mess of guitar and he sings better than Gene Autry. I remember that big love song from his last picture. When I told you I loved you, you paid no heed. You just picked your teeth with a tumbleweed. Yeah, I like Rocky Steele too. Isn't he the cowboy that wears the Stetson hat with the eight-foot brim to keep his horse dry? Yeah, he can't afford to get him wet. He'll rust his rockers. Well, if that's the kind of picture we're going to see, I just as soon stay home. Let me see the paper. Hmm. There are a lot of pictures about water now. Must be a new trend or something. Listen to these. The sea around us, the city beneath the sea, beneath the 12-mile reef, 20,000 leagues under the sea. They don't have to go that deep. I could make a full-length picture on just what goes on under the Santa Monica pier. Especially during the grunion run. Well, we better make up our minds. The prices are going to change in 20 minutes. Okay, I'm ready anytime anybody wants. Oh, there goes another one. Hey, that Bogart picture beat the devil just opened. Here's the ad right here. Wow. Wow. Look at that picture of Jennifer Jones. Yeah. Wait a minute, honey, there's one more. Pick them up, Phil. Gee, what would have happened if I said Marilyn Monroe? Is she alone or with DiMaggio? The matter with you, too. Come on, let's go to the movies. That's what I say. I'll just take a moment. Oh, hi, Julius. Oh, Jesus. Hey, you look all excited. Well, I am. Mr. Harris is taking me out. Oh, no. Why can't we get a grocery boy that's just a grocery boy? I can't even take you out to the movies without that little hackler. Oh, you're going to the movies. Hey, I've never been to a drive-in movie. What's it like? Isn't it the soft music? You're holding hands with your girl with a Chevrolet. That's all I broke my leg. I got run over on my way to the washroom. It was awful. It tore my pajamas and everything. All right. I'm not supposed to be a formal suit. It's a sport jacket. It's what they call a shaggy tweed. No. I'm going to tell you something. If I have to push my own market basket across the Pulver the Boulevard, this kid has got to go. Hey, Julius, what's playing at Cappelli's drive-in? A first-run pitcher. I've seen it. It's terrific. It's called the riot in cell block 11. It's a prison pitcher. Boy, what excitement. What suspense. In the big riot scene, boy, did I get scared. I had to stop three times on my way home. Hello, Julius. Just give us the tickets, huh? Oh, here you are. Here. I have a good time. There's a kid for you. Look, I know where Cappelli's drive-in is. Come on. Will you let's get started. Take your girlie to the movies. If you can't make love at home. There's no little brother there who always squeals. You can say an awful lot in seven reams. Take your lessons at the movies and have love scenes of your own. When the picture's over and it's time to leave, don't forget to brush the fodder off your sleeve. Take your girlie to the movies. If you can't make love at home. Fairfax gives advice to anyone in love. That's why Johnny Gray broke to her one day. When I call to love my girl, her folks are always there. That's why I'm blue. What shall I do? And bitter-set never despair. You gotta take your girlie to the movies. If you can't make love at home. Take the cozy corner where it's nice and dark. Don't catch influenza kissing in the park. Take your lessons at the movies and have love scenes of your own. Though she's just a simple little ribbon clerk. Close your eyes and think you're kissing Billy Bird. Take your girlie to the movies. If you can't make love at home. Turn out the lights when you come to bed. Yeah, honey, I will. We won't be long. Elliot and I are going to sit in the living room and talk a while. Okay, honey. And thanks again for taking me to the movies. Well, you're welcome. We ought to do it more often. You know, that cappelli's drive-in ain't a bad little theater tent. Good night, honey. Don't forget the lights now. Good night, hon. What'd you think of the picture, Curly? Well, that wanger makes good pictures, but I can't understand why he didn't call me for the leading part. I would have been perfect. You know something with the proper makeup? I'd look just like a gangster. Yeah, but, Curly, the fact that you just finished a picture doesn't necessarily make you a big actor. Well, you stop kidding, Elliot. You've got to admit I've got a lot of acting talent. I'm as good a dramatic actor as Gregory Peck. Well, ain't I? Gary Cooper? Douglas Fairbanks? Junior? Desi Arnais? When you get to Francis the Mule, I'll argue with you. Nevertheless, I say that I would have been great in that picture, riot in cell block 11. Look, the whole thing fits me like a glove. Now, Elliot, just picture this. Now, look, I'm a convict, a hardened criminal. Now, they got me in a tough cell block, the one where they keep nothing but three-time losers. That's how it is in the big house day after day. My name is Slasher. That's right, I'm a convict. Convict number 73463-86854-98759-876547. Convict number 73463-86854-98759-876547-8654-867298-665476-9943. Jay. That's the number they stamped me with. I have to wear three pair of shorts to get it all on. But it wasn't my fault, I'm a criminal. It was my mother's. I was born in a tunnel. She was digging her way out of San Quentin at the time. Your mother trained me right. I started out as a sneak thief stealing hubcaps. Then I started to steal cars. Then one day I knocked off three Brinks trucks. Four supermarkets. And two banks of America. On that job I used a knife. Yes, I had to come a long way from my humble beginning. I started as a raspberry squeezer at Knott's Berry Farm. But I didn't stay there long, I couldn't stand it. People kept coming up to me and saying, where'd you get those crazy red gloves? It was a tough fight, but I made it. And now I'm public enemy number one. I knew I'd make good, and as soon as I get out of this joint... Now hear this. It's in cell block number 11. We're bringing in killer county. We now want no disturbance. No demonstration. Get in there, you dirty rat. Keep your nose clean or you'll wind up in solitary. Get your hands off of me, you slimy screw. You'll never keep me in this box. If I forget my hands on your scrawny throat, I'll choke into your face as painful. I'll kill you. I'll kill you. I'll kill you. I never thought I'd be locked up in a cell with a mad, insane killer. A guy who had murdered 12 cops, 5 detectives, and 3 FBI men. I knew right then it was either him or me. I had to show him who was boss right now. So I did what I had to do. May I borrow a cup of sugar? Two weeks later, they took the splints off. No, I hadn't completely healed, but they needed them for Jackie Gleason. I approached killer Carney again. Killer, what are you in for? You got a nice dishonest face, so I'll tell you. Thanks, killer. Hey, you ain't as bad as they say you are, are you? Nah. I wouldn't hurt a kitten. I like little kittens. What are you in for? I killed my grandmother. But I'd done it in a high-class way. I'd put her in a tub of hot alum and shrunk her to death. When the cops caught up with me, I told them I was boiling her down for to read his digest. Killer, you sound like a slick operator. How long you in for? A hundred and ninety-two years. What are you going to do when you get out? I don't know. Hey, wait a minute. Here I am spilling my brains out to you, and you ain't told me nothing. What are you, a murderer? Nah. I'm a stick-up artist. One of the best. Oh, yeah? Yeah, but I really can't take the credit. Anything I am today or ever hope to be I owe to my mother. From the very beginning she took care of me. I'll never forget when I was a child. She came into my little cage and said... Sit up, sonny. Time for your first haircut. Okay, mommy. I'll get the soup bowl. Quit your dreaming, kid. Get the egg cup. Ah, but mom was the backbone of my career. I could have gotten no place without my mom. She planned every move I ever made. Well, I'll never forget my first big robbery. Now, don't worry about a thing, son. Got it all figured out. You know what I do now, don't you? Yeah, sure I do, mom. I stand there with my hat pulled down over my eyes and my hand in my coat pocket pointing like a gun. That's right, son. Bluff them! And don't binder. Well, I can't help being nervous, mom. It's the first time I ever held up the super chief. I hope it works. Ah, relax, son. I got the whole thing planned. Oh, I even had blueprints made. This plan can't fail. I hope not. All you have to do when the super chief comes flying around the bend to stand right there in the middle of the tracks and holler, stick them up! Okay, mom. On your toes, son. Here she comes now. Well, back to the drawing board. Look, slasher, I don't know about you, but I'm going nuts in this jail. Sitting here day after day crossing them numbers off in a calendar. Yeah, and I'm going stir crazy myself. Just sitting here like a rat in a trap. That's what I am. Just a rat in a trap. Hello, baby. What beautiful cheese. Hey, where did you come from? I slipped by the warden. Don't you remember, baby? I'm tangerine. And they say we ship the best ones back east. Baby, all these long hours here in solitary were worth every bit of it, just to get a look at you. Tell me something, baby. What have you done to get me out of here? What do you mean, slasher? Did you see the lawyer? I did better than the lawyer. You mean the superior judge? I did better than the superior judge. You mean the governor? I did better than the governor. I went to the... I went over the governor's head. You went over the governor's head? You mean... Yes, I went direct to Liberace. Fuck up, slasher. Tangerine did everything she could. I know, I know. I know she'd done everything she could, but nothing worked. I'm ready to take it. It's time, son. All right, warden, I know. I know I'm ready. It's not too much of a walk, son. I hope you can make it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna be all right, warden. Just... just leave the way. Steady, son. These are the 13 steps. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Is this the... little green door? Yes, it is, son. I'll open it. Allison Phil will be back in just a moment. When you buy 1954 RCA Victor television, you're buying America's finest television. Naturally, you want to make sure that America's finest television gets America's finest television service. And by service, I mean skilled factory-trained care of your set all the way from installation to the adjustment of the antenna to the replacement of a worn-out part. How do you get America's finest television service? It's simple. The first way and in the long run the best way is to buy an RCA Victor factory service contract with your RCA Victor television set. But suppose you don't own a contract and your RCA Victor television set needs repair or adjustment. Can you still get RCA service? You bet you can. How do you get it? All you need to do is look in the pages of your local classified directory for the number of the RCA service company branch nearest you. Call them up. Tell them you want RCA service on your RCA Victor television. America's finest television. America's finest service. Television's greatest combination. This is Phil again. Every major traffic hazard is exaggerated under winter weather driving conditions. Accept your responsibility to do all in your power to drive without accident. Don't blame the weather. Be prepared to meet any hazardous condition. Think twice. Don't skid once. Thank you and good night. Good night, everybody. Included in this program, France Brag or Catherine Card and Ken Christie, the part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC Radio Network presentation. That's In the Mood from the current movie, The Glenn Miller Story, has played in a new RCA Victor album by Glenn Miller himself. You'll find it and seven other Glenn Miller hits in RCA Victor's Glenn Miller Story album. Remember, only RCA Victor has the original Glenn Miller recordings. Here's John Cameron Swayze and the news on the NBC Radio Network.