 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of johnathanasley.com, and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the seven ways to survive a long distance relationship. Let's figure out how to survive these things. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love, and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an F bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions, by no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and tradition. All right, let's jump into those seven ways to figure out how to survive long distance relationships. You know, it's interesting, you know, before these little devices, before the internet, long distance relationships look something like this, or at least this is what I remembered growing up with. You met someone at a singles, you know, like a, what was that singles thing down? Oh God, what was that singles event where you go down to Mexico and hang out? There's a name for like Cancun and places like that. I can't think of it right now, but you go to a singles event, you meet, you live in California, they live in New York, you meet up there and somehow you tried to figure out how to make a relationship work. I'm thinking back in the 70s and the 80s. What was those singles things called? Someone posted for me, I can't remember. All right, and certainly, you know, throughout the years there have been people who have been in a relationship where they lived in the same town then some person had to move and they had to, their relationship continued from a long distance perspective. And this is certainly true of people who are in the military and such like that. I'm not gonna lean into those conversations. What I wanna lean into today is because of the internet and because most people aren't meeting organically these days as they once did, certainly when we lived in small tribes and villages and towns or maybe the college you went to or maybe your work environment, these days roughly about 50% of all new relationships for people over 45 years old is happening through an online connection. And there's a good chance that number is gonna go much higher. So now we have access to people that we wouldn't otherwise have at our fingertips or at least the perception that we have access to people. So what happens is you might live in a town like I live in a city where there's 100,000 people and yet I don't know who's single. So we go on our little devices and yet the thing is unless you keep your parameters very narrow from a distance perspective, many people open up their parameters maybe 10 miles, 20 miles, 50 miles, 100 miles, some people across the country and some people even internationally. So what I'm gonna lean in today talking about long distance relationships I wanna differentiate between the one to two hour drive, the one hour plane ride kind of thing or maybe that would represent a five or six hour drive. Certainly those relationships that are truly long distance, I mean where you are in another state or you're across the country for those who live in the United States. And then there's international connections as well and I see a huge proliferation of this happening. So I'm gonna tailor this kind of contemplating a few of these because I think it's important to look at them slightly differently when somebody lives an hour or two away versus someone that's a plane ride away across the country or maybe a different continent. So part of the belief of long, a number of people choose long distance relationships because they have a belief that there's nobody in the town that they live in, there's literally no one person in the town they live in that is suitable for them. It oftentimes cracks me up when I hear people who live, I live in Los Angeles. They say, I can't find a good person in Los Angeles. So I'm gonna go searching in Dallas, Texas or New York or Oklahoma or whatever. You know, it fascinates me because those people in Dallas, Texas going, oh my God, I can't find anybody in my town. Let me go look in Los Angeles. Let me look in New York. Let me look in Seattle. Now I know some people actually do look in certain areas because they're actually contemplating moving to those areas. Now that's certainly something I can appreciate and understand if you're actually planning on physically moving to an area, you might wanna do searches that way. And yet if for those who live in metropolitan places that have a belief there's no good people out there, trust me, searching in a different area isn't going to change that. It's not gonna make it any better searching in another area. Now, if you happen to live in Bumfuck, Egypt, and please forgive that one, but if you happen to live in a small town in Idaho, I can understand why you might feel that way. Why you might wanna open up your search parameters to a broader area, maybe to a metropolitan area, especially if you live in such a small town where you practically know everyone, it might feel as though there might not be someone in that town. Now, many of people operate from this premise from a limiting belief that there's no good person. And as I said a moment ago, and I just wanna repeat this, if you don't believe there's a good person in the town you live in, it's not gonna be better in any other town. So from a mindset perspective, that's just simply replacing a one limiting belief with a fantasy belief replacing it. At least that's my perspective on that anyway. So how to go about a long distance relationship? Well, first for those that live an hour or two away, it's a little bit more convenient for meeting up versus that live those that live a plane right away or across the country. So I don't wanna spend too much time talking about the people that live an hour or two away. I wanna really lean into today the conversation for those that actually have to get onto a plane or would have to get in their car for eight or nine hours to be with someone, okay? So I'm gonna share the seven ways to approach this going forward. And then I'm gonna open it up for Q and A for those who are watching the live stream and we'll have a brief discussion on this, okay? So number one, let me put on my trusty glasses by the way, number one is planning the first meeting. Oh, and by the way, before I begin this conversation, I wanna be fully transparent. I actually watched a video from one of my contemporaries. His name is Evan Mark Katz, K-A-T-Z. I watched one of his videos that he did on this subject and I actually did truly appreciate the seven tips he gave in long distance relationships. So this content is actually piggybacking on what he shared, although everything that he shared in his video was things that I've said, but I wanna be fully transparent with my audience because if you happen to watch it, I am piggybacking on everything he said. So just a reminder, and after I wrap up this podcast, I'll put a link to that video in the description later today. Okay, so going back to the seven things to consider. Number one is planning the first meeting. Planning the first meeting. Are you gonna fly to him? Is he gonna fly to you? What would be the recommended protocol? Now I know a lot of women oftentimes will get on a plane partially because they think I make it convenient for the guy, he's going to like me more. Now I'm not suggesting all women think this way, but there are some women that have this belief that they actually have to prove themselves to the guy. No, I'm not a big advocate of operating from that perspective, but I'm certain that many women operate from that place. And then there's other women that operate from the place of I just would like a vacation. I would love to, you know, go from, you know, bum-fuck Egypt to Los Angeles to go visit someone. And yet from a safety perspective, it's probably more responsible to have the man come to you. I'm gonna repeat that, from a safety perspective, it's more responsible to have the man come to you and probably have him stay at a hotel when I'm not have him stay, but don't offer that he can stay at your place. Because let me tell you something, and I've done a number of long distance where I've flown to women and they've allowed me stay at their place. And it's almost guaranteed that we'll have sex together. I mean, it's literally almost a guarantee. And oftentimes the escape clause a person uses when they don't wanna proceed after they've gotten laid, their escape clause is, you know, I've decided I don't wanna do a long distance relationship. And let me tell you, a lot of men will jump on a plane just to get laid. I mean, on some level for some men, that's cheaper than a hooker. I'm not suggesting this happens all the time. I'm just suggesting it happens. So if you don't know this person very well, if you haven't Googled him, if you haven't, you know, stalked him on social media, if you haven't looked at his Facebook and his Instagram and all his different social medias, then I highly recommend to have him stay somewhere else for that first meeting. Now I know that can be very awkward, especially if there's a big expense, but let's face it, whether it's the man or woman, if you're choosing this particular opportunity to connect with someone, then you've gotta be able to accept the responsibility of the financial consequences that go along with this. So again, differentiating between the one hour, two hour drive versus the plane ride across the country or God forbid international, I'll spend a moment talking about that in a second. Number two, I think it's important to discuss your communication desires. If you're engaging in a long distance relationship, then discuss how do you wanna communicate with each other? Is it text messages? Is it telephone calls? Is it FaceTime? And have a strategy and a conversation of how you're going to approach this from that perspective. So there isn't any ambiguity. Ladies, I know you love the idea that men are the hunters and they chase and they should be the leaders of the relationship, but this is setting your standard. And I encourage you that if the man isn't speaking up, then you speak up and express what your standard is, what you would desire in the form of communication. If you're going to explore a relationship with someone that's long distance. And again, it's a plane ride away, cross country, that sort of thing. Number three, now this is about how much time you should spend together. Now I've always said it takes about a hundred hours of face to face time to develop the first layer of trust. And that hundred hours isn't all in one weekend. I'm talking about roughly five hours over a 20 day period is where you build the first layer of trust, spending time with someone. So it requires spending regular time together. And if you're going to explore the idea of a long distance relationship, then depending on the circumstances, then it should be built in that you're seeing each other at least every weekend or if not every other weekend. But Jonathan, we live across country and I can't afford to do that. Well, folks, if you can't afford to and actually build a relationship with someone, then don't explore a long distance relationship. You better have the bucks to do it. Whatever or both of you better have the bucks to do it. And if you don't, then don't engage in it. But Jonathan, he's the only person I met that I have chemistry with. Look at, there's a eight billion people on the planet. You can have chemistry with a hundred thousand of those eight billion people. It's out there. So don't believe that the one person you meet is the only person that's fantasy thinking. Number four, I highly recommend alternating between homes, alternating between homes. Folks, if he flies to you and you've never been to his home, you have no idea. If he's married, what his lifestyle is, is he a hoarder, is he a nut job? I mean, you certainly wanna find that out sooner rather than later, but certainly alternate homes when you're getting to know each other. That's what people do when they live around the corner with each other and you should apply that same standard when you're doing a long distance relationship. And number five, understand that sometimes getting together for a weekend is a great bubble. I call these bubble relationships. You have all this fun, you have a great time, you have lots of sex, and then you go back to your respective homes, back to your normality. So one thing you may wanna consider is spending an extended period in one or both of your homes, one or two weeks at a time to actually feel what it's like to be with this person at a longer engagement period. But Jonathan, I have a full-time job, I can't do that. Well, folks, again, if you have circumstances that doesn't allow you to genuinely get to know another human being at a deeper intimate level, then don't invest in doing a long distance relationship. This is not for the faint of heart and it's gonna take some bucks and it's gonna take some planning to do this and it's gonna take some compromises as well. So it's recommended that you spend time, a good two-week period of time together in each other's homes at separate periods to really see how well you work together in that capacity. By the way, I'm going under the premise that those of you that are watching this desire a serious long-term relationship, for those of you that seek a casual relationship, you can do whatever the fuck you want. If you're seeking a situation, do whatever you want. If you're seeking friends with benefits, do whatever you want. This is recommended for those who are seeking something grander than just what I just shared. Okay. Oh, number six, make sure you include your family and friends once you've established that you're in a relationship with each other, include your family and friends in this process. We need our community to be part of the decision-making process. And certainly, when people have conflict with your family and friends, it makes it very difficult to build the deeper roots of trust if you're not incorporating your community in the process. If you're not incorporating your community in the process. And number seven is you're gonna have to discuss the hard topic of who's gonna move to your respective area or your respective home. You gotta have that hard conversation. And I wouldn't wait much past the six month mark if you're doing this. Now again, if you're in that one or two hour drive situation, it's a whole different ball game than if it's an airplane. And I wouldn't invest in any long distance relationship unless you have a plan, a plan of how we're gonna take this from long distance to short distance. And I'm not suggesting you have to move in with someone, but it's important to have a plan and to have the hard conversation. Because many people engage in long distance relationship as I said before, it's a beautiful, lovely fantasy. I've done it before. I was in a long distance relationship where we lived 35 miles away which is roughly about an hour and 15 minute drive and that we made that work over a six year, well, it didn't work out long term but it had nothing to do with the distance. But I can tell you, if you're doing long distance and you're barely seeing each other, you're not going to build the deeper roots of trust to actually establish that you have the capacity to make this work from long term. It takes planning. And I've just laid out seven different things to consider in your plan. Now, there is a book you may wanna read. It's called Living Together Apart. These are for people that may not want to actually live together at some point. This book by Ann Watson called Living Together Apart. And I highly recommend before either one of you flies out to see each other, I highly recommend before the penis goes inside the vagina, purchase two copies of the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Look, folks, if you're gonna do long distance, this is a great book to start talking about how are we gonna make this work if we're gonna invest in each other. This is the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship and I invite you to, by the way, the beauty of long distance is you can, this ladies, if the guy wants your vagina, he should be reading this book. And it's a lot easier to make that happen when you're engaging in a long distance than it is around the corner when you can meet someone in roughly 24 or 48 hours. All right? Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know by hitting that thumbs up button or mention amen in the chat. All right, well, that covers the seven ways to survive a long distance relationship. I hope you found value in this. Again, I'm not a big proponent of people engaging in long distance relationships. It's hard enough to make relationships work when people live in the same town and certainly have to be way more intentional versus the fantasy bubble. And I mentioned international before, I've spoken to a number of women who engage in international dating under the fantasy that they're gonna, they spend months and months connecting with a guy via the internet and they fly out to meet him with the expectation of a marriage proposal at the end of that rainbow, if you will. And that is purely fantasy thinking and a lot of people engage in long distance from a fantasy perspective and not a reality-based perspective. So some of you gotta pull your head out of your fucking ass and recognize that a relationship is going to take effort. It's gonna take effort and it's gonna take my mental effort if you're choosing to go the long distance route. And that's my perception on that. All right, we're gonna take questions for a few minutes. So if you're familiar with my format, if you're on the live stream right now, post a question by writing the word question, post the question thereafter or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. There's a little dollar sign at the bottom of the chat box and the Super Sticker Super Chat, all the monies go to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley. This is my son Connor, right there and right there. He's my son who passed away a few years ago and in his honor, I started a scholarship fund to help defray the cost of personal development for those folks who are seeking personal development work and to give to the charities that I believe truly make a difference in the world like the Hoffman process and insight. So you have a question, purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat or write the word question there. All right, let's go scrolling. Let's go swim man. Ingrid says, Jonathan, great advice. Thank goodness I did all this. Issues take longer to appear when issues appear, believe them, exactly. Sin says two hours away is my maximum distance and I'm willing to live away from someone I want to date. There you go. All right, Jennifer says, long distance is hard to connect in an authentic way. That is true. By the way, folks, let me just, I didn't say this earlier, but I just want all of you women to know, ladies to know, men do not fall in love over the telephone. We do not bond over the telephone. The way we bond with someone is social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together and having sex together. We don't bond over the telephone. In fact, we only use the telephone for therapy. Therapy, some men and women will spend months and months and months talking to each other and all it does is it's replacing going to therapy. A lot of people are engaging in long distance and it's just a glorified therapy session to dump their problems. But to women, it's like music to your ears. He's being vulnerable with me because he's complaining about his life. Complaining is not vulnerability. Seeking to improve oneself after one is expressed a insecurity is vulnerability. So ladies, be very careful of this incessant communication on long distance because all this is, as my Pilates instructor calls these men AT&T, these are men that are just using you for therapy. In fact, I have a video I posted a few days ago about that, so you may wanna check that out. All right, so how online dating has now become the new form of therapy. So just be mindful of that. All right, Glenn has just posted a question. Question, is it a bad time to date when you're between jobs and not financially stable? I got my insurance license this year and haven't had a paycheck since the summer. Great question, Glenn. And by the way, I used to be an insurance broker. I had an insurance license, so here's the thing. There is kind of a double standard here. Women would most likely never date a man who doesn't have a job because women look at men from a provider protector perspective. So women are less likely to date someone who is in between jobs. Now, with that said, men typically don't equate what a woman does professionally as part of their decision-making process in choosing someone. I'm saying typically that's the case. So you can have someone who's financially successful, doesn't care if he's dating a waiter or a lawyer to a man that usually doesn't matter. And if someone's in between jobs that usually doesn't matter. However, I think that's changing substantially. I think it is men now use the same standards women use in choosing a mate and professionally if someone isn't working. And I know some men will not take on women who have debt in their life because they don't wanna be responsible for that. So with that said, there's always the exception to the rule. I'm just gonna say more often than not, it's not gonna be a problem but it's certainly something to be mindful of and just recognize if the foundation underneath you isn't solid, it's gonna be very difficult to build a relationship if your own life doesn't feel solid. And it's important, by the way, it is very important to create a solid foundation for yourself and choose people to have a solid foundation for themselves because people that are going through chaos in their life. And I'm not, I'm talking there's garden variety chaos and then there's extreme chaos. It makes it very difficult for them to lean into a relationship. So Glenn, that was a great question. Thank you so much for bringing that up. I really appreciate it. All right. Elizabeth says, do men really love bitches? Yes, they do. Let me tell you what a bitch stands for. Beauty or babe, babe in total control of herself. Beauty or babe in, babe in total control of herself. A woman who is aligned with her sovereignty, her self-worth, her self-esteem, her self-confidence is one of the most attractive women to be with. This is a woman who genuinely loves on herself. And if you're not familiar with my book What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? There's a link below to get my book. The woman who genuinely is in her empowerment is the most attractive woman to the emotionally healthy man. To the controlling man, to the emotionally dysfunctional man. He's not attracted to a woman in her empowerment. Okay? He's not attracted to that woman. Now, the idea of men loves bitches is the concept that when a woman is a pain in the ass, men will seek that type of woman. Let me just tell you something. Men who have a weak sense of self will gravitate to ball busting type of women because they have a weak sense of themselves. But do you wanna be a bitch to attract those kinda guys? Or do you wanna be the empowered woman that attracts the empowered guy? So then just remember, babe in total control of herself. That's what a bitch represents to me. So thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, Sadie's question. This will probably be the last for the day. Question. Jonathan, I'm chatting to a guy on a dating site. He hit his profile and active status and I asked him why? He said, I don't see any advantage to being on. Is this suspicious? Well, that's kind of interesting. So you've begun chatting. Is this chatting, is it just texting or is it on the telephone? Folks, I highly recommend everyone follow my rule. It's my invitation for you. It's called three, two, one, three. Okay, three, two, one, three. What that is is no more than three text or email exchanges should lead to one or two phone calls that should lead to one date and it should all happen in a three week period. So either this is progressing to meeting each other or it's just gonna be, like I said earlier, a long drawn out therapy session between the two of you. And I'm sure many of you don't want to engage in therapy sessions with people. And when a guy hides his status and he's not engaging in you with the desire to meet you, who gives a shit what he's doing? If it's not progressing to meeting each other, then move on. Don't worry about what someone else does. Now, I'm sure you're curious why they might do that and you ask the question and his response was a bullshit response because if he liked you, he'd say, like, by the way, when I'm liking someone I've communicated with them, I begin flirting. I actually disengage all my dating apps because I don't want to be distracted by all the noise from other people, which you could possibly be that but I don't get the sense of that because the way he answered that question, if I understand this correctly, I don't see any advantage to being on it. That's just a weird terminology. If he'd said, I don't want to be distracted by other people and I want to invest in you, that's at least could possibly be a sincere thing. It could be a sociopathic line too, but I know I operate that way and I'm sure there are plenty men who operate in that same venue as well. Is it suspicious? Most likely, but then again, is it progressing forward and if it's not, move on. At least that's my invitation for you, Sadie. So thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. Folks, we're going to do a short live stream tonight. We'll do a longer one on Friday. I want to thank you all for your love and support. I want to remind you to purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat to donate to the Conor Asley Scholarship Fund. Certainly check out the links below to a free discovery call with me to my membership group, to the books I recommend, or you can follow me on Instagram as well. Just want to remind you those seven ways to survive a long distance relationship. Make sure you plan that first meeting, what who's going to meet whom. Discuss your communication desires. Depending on the distance, plan on seeing each other each weekend or every other weekend. Alternate between each other's homes. Avoid the bubble by spending time in each other's homes for a longer extended period. Make sure you include family and friends. And lastly, make sure you have the, where's this relationship going conversation and how we're going to take this from long distance to short distance. I hope you found value in this video. Please post a comment below. I do my best to read them all. All right, I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off. Give myself a big gigantic shot and bear hug of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love. I'm asking you to turn into a friend, a pet, a teddy bear or a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. Let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I want to thank you much and wishing you a blessed day. Bye now.