 Nostalgia is in full effect this week as I take three ninjas versus the teenage mutant ninja turtles two secret of the use. And who better to argue this than a trained second-degree orange belt like myself. Which you can achieve at the tender age of five. Regardless, it appears I have a friend who's wandered onto my set to debate two great classic films. We always know how this goes. I end up on top. That's what she said. Let's get started with cast. Rocky loves Emily and I love this movie. And that is all thanks to a superior cast starting with the grandpa slash trainer Mr. Miyagi. That's not Mr. Miyagi. It's a fat knockoff who appears to have had a stroke at some point during the filming of this movie. Also you can tell there's a stunt double for basically everything he does in the flick. He's extremely out of shape. How is this guy a master of anything? Now as a second-degree orange belt I can tell you he's actually in the peak shape of his life. And outside of him we've got our main team of Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum. And Rocky is the natural leader. He's got the looks. He's got the girl. He's got the moves. I'm gonna stop you right there. Have you seen Emily? What are you saying? Have you seen Emily? I'm not sure I follow. Her recent body of work consists of production staff on Castle, the TV show. She's so hideous in Three Ninjas. Since that time they've moved her off the camera in the background where where she belongs. Well she stole my heart. And speaking of heart stealing let's move on to Colt with his devil make-care attitude and his flair for the dramatic. Colt is easily my most relatable ninja. Just stop. Colt is a little bitch. It's clear that none of these children can act. If you look at their IMDb page most of them don't even have photos. They don't even have the preset IMDb no photo available. That's one small step above what I have. Which of course is nothing. Say what you will about Emily but don't you dare cross my tum-tum. It's time to talk about some actual ninjas who are teenagers and mutants. First off we have Leonardo who leads whilst Donatello does machines. Raphael is cool. But rude. And Michelangelo is a party dude. And my favorite turtle. There really should be some sort of a Ninja Turtles theme song that explains this better than I could. Oh they're okay one does exist apparently. We gonna show that? No okay let's keep going. I remember Rocksteady and Bebop playing a pretty significant part in that film. Not. TMNT has two villains and they're both the same guy. It's a two for one. Shredder and super shredder. Who has defeated that? How again? It's actually pretty intricate to explain. There's a lot of things that go into this. A lot of cogs in motion. A lot of wheels turning. He's buried by wood. Death by wood. Oh new title card. I guess we're just gonna gloss over the fact that April O'Neill was in these films. The sultry, sexy, beautiful April. I can tell you a fact right now. The actress who played her did not have to move on to Boom Operator. Like some other actress as I know. I'm looking at you Emily. Oh god no I'm not looking at you. There may not be much in story, character development, conflict. What lacks in those items it actually makes up tenfold and memorable scenes. Ringing from a basketball confrontation to a home alone ask encounter. You have to use your seatbelts and enjoy the ride. Neither of these movies really needed much of a plot. They run fast. They run loose. Like I like my women. I don't have any women. There's some gnarly scenes all up in this turtle's ass. We have a heist involving 40-some odd burglars in what appears to be a shitty little mall. Seems like an awful lot of men for such a small little burglary. But anyway, the turtles come to the rescue of a pizza delivery boy who knows insanely good martial arts. In fact, it really seemed like he was doing well on his own. Let's talk bodacious moves. There's an awesome sequence where the turtles do a little shell shock spin, crush a full clan member to death. After doing some break dance fighting they bust out in a choreographed song and dance moves. The turtles are having a good time. The audience is having a great time. The foot clan, well, not so much. Katanas, smoke bombs, an unbelievable dunk, and some kind of can-to-can communication device. And you want to talk about effects? Look at the turtles themselves. What an accomplishment. Even 20 years later, they still look great. Jim Henson and his team made a marvelous set of costumes and animatronics to bring these turtles to life. Plus we get the phenomenal super shredder. He dies by wood. I can win this category with two simple words. Vanilla, ice. I should run. I should hide. I should kick your ass in this conclusion. Well, I'm pretty sure about Three Ninjas being the superior film. It taught me everything I need to know about martial arts and life and women and success. All my accomplishments really boil down to Three Ninjas. All right, Adam, try to knuckle up and kick back. I'm pretty sure you just referenced the other two shitty movies in that franchise, thankfully leaving off High Noon at Mega Mountain, starring the Hulk. But let's get down to it. We've been going back and forth like two whales having sex. But now it's time for me to hump back. What? Okay, I'm sorry. I read off cue cards by my interns who I don't pay at all to come up with this dreck. I have no idea what the hell that means. I know what a humpback is, but I have no relation to what that's alluding to. Am I going to hump Derek or am I hitting him back? We can't make up terms. You're fired. You're fired. Get out. All of you. There's one of you. Go. Some of you may have known Michael Bay recently has announced he's making a new Ninja Turtles a reboot. He's going to rape the hell out of these guys. But we have something nice already. We have something beautiful to look back on. It's aged well like a fine cheese pizza with extra anchovies. And I can tell you with the utmost confidence that the three Ninjas will never have the opportunity to get raped because in reality they already have been by themselves. It's no we're going to end on rape. This is how we're going to end this. Okay.