 So Marie, what do you think is the number one frustration I hear from women when it comes to dating, mating, or relating? Probably they want more from men. Okay. Like what kind of more? Like more commitment, more time. Yeah. I don't know. I think a lot of men out there just don't know what they want so they... Well I think part of the problem is divorce. You know, divorce has caused men, especially in the last 20 years, to become gun shy when it comes to relationships. And since my audience is those in midlife, after baby making years before retirement, roughly 75% of people who are out there in the dating marketplace are divorced. And I think they're really gun shy. Do you have a thought? No. Okay. Well I just want to make sure I don't cut you off. Because everyone says I cut you off. So it occurs to me that a significant percentage of relationships are situationships, they're casual, and they're friends with benefits. I mean... I'll agree with that. Okay. In fact, I would say it's probably 80% of the people... Okay. Excluding people that are married, excluding people that are living together, I'd say the bulk of the relationships out there are either friends with benefits, situationships, or casual. Yeah. And I think, well, my opinion is a lot of people don't even know where they stand in a relationship. Yeah. And men and women alike. Yes, I would agree. I think, and the hard part is it's not just about getting to know someone and getting to know if you're compatible with one another. But really, are you a good long-term fit for one another? And if you're not fully engaged in the process right from the beginning, it's going to be really difficult. Well, let me give you an example and you tell me what you think. Okay. So for those who watch, Marie and I watched this show called Love is Blind. We watched Married at First Sight. It's... It's all for research. It's research for me. What I like about these shows, though, in the sense is it really highlights the fact that many of these people are getting together with each other 24-7 and in many cases for almost two months. But first they get to know each other without seeing each other. So now they've gotten to know each other emotionally but they haven't seen each other physically. And that's when the disconnect starts after that. Well, okay. Which is good. You're actually seeing if you can connect at an emotional level. But however, at the same time, we do need that physical attraction because chemistry is an important piece. Yet what I'm really getting into is after that initial meeting, they actually spend time with each other in each other's lives to see if they actually work together. I mean, when I say work together, I mean that they work... Compatible. Compatible with each other. Thank you for that clarity. So compatibility is something that couples rarely really talk about. In the early stage of dating, they just kind of go at it dumbfoundedly or blindly. How did they do it back? Like, you know, my parents got married in 12 days. Like, they just had to figure it out. Well, the difference though is they made that commitment to one another. They didn't go and get an annul three days later or the person didn't start ghosting and disappearing, you know, six weeks later. They were in it. In many cases, they got pregnant and they were really in it. Okay. She didn't get pregnant for a while. But still, you know, 12 days, that's pretty crazy. No. Even, well, for my mom, that was pretty crazy because she wasn't a risk taker. So, okay. So with that said, let's dive into what it takes to really get more out of a relationship. That's really what I want to lean into. And let me just say this. For those watching, this isn't, you know, I know the title is if you want more from a man. This is really if two people want more from each other and they're approaching the relationship from a healthy place. Because as you and I were talking about beforehand, you know, we're really dealing with a wounded population. I said earlier that men are gun shy. I think women are just as gun shy as well. I think women have a habit of getting more attached to men sooner rather than later. And they don't even know if the guy is into them now. Yeah. You know, other than, but the hard part is in the initial stages, there's all the lusts. There's the limerence. There's the infatuation stage. You get all excited. And then you have sex together. And then you have no clue if you're compatible with one another in many cases. That's true. So we're going to talk about this. And I said that this is true for men and women alike. But if you really want to establish a really healthy relationship from the get go. Okay. And let me just say this. This is this title isn't for those who are married or already in a relationship. Those are for those single looking for love. And by the way, if you need some support with that, check out a link right here to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. It's in the description below. If you want to speak to me and talk about learning how to develop compatibility, you have something to share. Yeah. You know, when you say that for people that are not in a relationship, but there are a lot of you out there that think you're in a relationship. And that, you know, that's part of the problem too is that not being on the same page and they don't know. Well, that goes back to what I said earlier. You know, many 80% of what I see out there are situations ships. Those are ones where they might see each other on a regular basis. They might have some, you know, monogamy and they say maybe, you know, they might be exclusive with one another, but there's no real clarity on it. That's what the situation ship a casual relationship is usually those people that want companionship connection and sex without any real commitment. And friends with benefits goes without saying what that is, you know, that's just an agreement that we're going to have sex together whenever we want. And but there's no commitment. But you're right. When you enter into the process with ambivalence, let me reframe that without clarity, without clarity, it's going to create a ton of confusion. And this is what I want to lean into. And then I'll share what those six things to do with a man. If you want more from him. So we started our relationship with something we call radical honesty, laying our cards on the table. And I call it the rules of engagement that's establishing your standards. So the first principle, this is something you want to do with every man is radical honesty. And what that means is in part of that is laying your cards on the table means unpacking your past experiences. Why did was that important for us to unpack our past, our past relationships? I should say. Well, from, from, I can only say for me, it was because I wanted to know when you to know who I was and, you know, what I've been through in life. And, and then, and I wanted to hear from you. Why was that beneficial for you to hear my side? Like what value did you get out of? I wanted to see how you handle breakups in the past, you know, all those things that, that are important. And, you know, taking ownership for some of the things that, that you did in the past. Yeah. A lot of things that we talked about was gratitude because even in the worst relationships, there's something you learned. Yeah. It's just like travel. There's always something to learn in the worst places. Okay. So let me ask you a question. How do you know I wasn't lying to you? Well, I didn't, but, you know, some of it is a leap of faith. Okay. But, you know, you ask a lot of questions. So by asking a lot of questions of each other, by sharing a lot of with the other, I think it's like the way a detective tries to trip up a criminal suspect. If you do enough, people are going to reveal themselves. And yet a lot of men and women are reluctant to talk about their past relationships. In fact, some men will even say, oh, I don't want to talk about that's the past. I don't live in the past anymore. Like what would you do if a man did that? Or did that ever happen to you? Let me reframe that. Well, once I actually, you know, started crying. And this is a gentleman that said he wanted to take it slow. But then he proceeded to tell me how everybody's cheated on him and everybody's this and everybody's that. And in the end, he had, you know, serious trust issues. And that's something I wanted to be a part of. So in that fact-finding mission for yourself, you kind of gleaned he had trust issues. And would you say he was honest with you and transparent? Well, he was honest about the things that happened. It's just that it, yes. I think in telling me his story, as far as I know, it might have been a lie. Who knows. But at least he told me these things. And then I started realizing that he had serious trust issues when, you know, little things would happen. I was lying. You're telling him you're being honest and transparent. He was being honest and transparent. And in that, you recognize that you weren't a fit for one another. Correct. Okay. But the value of doing that is part of the process where someone will either lean into you by doing it, or they're going to push away because it's not a fit for each other. Okay. Number two, men want to be accepted for who they are. I think men and women both want to be accepted for who they are. Right? Yeah. Who doesn't want to be accepted? Yeah. You know, the challenge is if you want something different, you either, okay. First off, you can't change a guy's height. You can't change a woman's, you know, wrinkles or whatnot. Well, maybe you can with plastic surgery. But my point is you can't change things about a person. But if you want something more emotional, you can certainly guide a person. But if you want more from a man and you've guided him and by, if you haven't accepted him and you want something different, you either guide him or you move on. I think a lot of times we don't, I think in many dating scenarios, we don't accept people fully and that's part of unconditional love. Okay. But how do you accept somebody that you don't know yet? Like when they're, you don't know the person. You're just taking it at face value what they're telling you. That's why you have to continue to ask the question. Well, I think by accepting a person, if you constantly, well, let's go back to trust issues. I suspect that man you were speaking of, he had trust issues. He didn't accept you on face value. He already had a predisposition for expecting the worst to happen. And if you're expecting the worst to happen, it most likely will happen. So accepting a person for their also means not prejudging them. I think women do that as much as men do that. In fact, I think more so in some ways. Well, that's, I think it's, it's equal. Okay. Yesterday we were talking about dating with some, with some people we were at an event and you know, a lot of people do meet on dating apps. And one lady was telling me that she met her current husband on her 66th date. And I thought to myself, gosh, I never kept track, but she knows it was the 66th date. Well, she also said she had given up by the 65th. I think she gave up on the 65th date. She wasn't going to go out with anyone. This guy's profile or Doug's profile was in her inbox and she thought, you know what, I'm done with the online dating, but I'm going to give this one person the chance because he lives close by and what do I have to lose? They had a great first date turned into a second date and 10 years later they're now married. In fact, we went to a wedding this past weekend with the couple who had met on match.com. Two and a half years. No, almost almost. Yeah. Almost two years and three months. Yeah. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. And my point of bringing this up is that this wedding, there were so many couples there who had met their partner on a dating app because there were a lot of divorces there that were married the second time around. They met on a dating app. Marie and I met on a dating app. And so I want you to, everyone to know something. While you might feel frustrated with the dating apps, while you might feel like, ah, you want to pull your hair out. It still happens to be the number one place people are meeting these days for those of us in midlife. Yeah. Well, and the other thing is like, at this point in my life, I didn't want to hang out at bars except when I was going to go win those shoes. Okay, so number three, men want clear communication. Ladies, I'm here to tell you men are not mind readers. And one of the things I appreciate about you is when you have something on your mind, you don't sugarcoat it. Well, let me reframe that. It's not about sugarcoating. You're not passive about it. You're very direct. And I can't, at the moment, think of something in particular unless you can that you shared with me. I can't. Look, I'm very easy going. And if there's something I don't like, to me, it's really easy to say, you know, next time we do that, can we do it this way instead of that way? So, all right, do you mind sharing really quickly? I know I'm putting you on the spot here. You were telling me a story right before we started about a man who pushed his chair up against you. I don't want you to tell the whole story. Tell quickly what happened and share what you said to him, because that's what matters most. This was one of the very first states I ever went on from a dating app. And I got there first and it was just sitting at a bar and he came in. And right away, I, you know, I'm like, this is not my type of man. But, you know, but I can talk to him for a little bit, no problem. And he pulls up his chair and pulls me in between his legs on the bar stool. And I thought, okay, how am I going to handle this one? So I said, you know, Bill, whatever. I just have a question. What am I doing that makes you think that this is okay with me? I love that, by the way. What am I doing to make you think this is okay with me? What did he say? He says, why wouldn't it be okay? Is that what he said? Yeah, well, I ended up not staying very long. So what I appreciate, this is where a lot of you ladies, I just want to say something to you. It's okay to be direct. If something's uncomfortable, you don't have to worry about hurting somebody's feelings. You're not responsible for someone else's feelings. You are responsible for maintaining, I would say, your sovereignty, your self-worth, and most importantly, your self-respect. So in this particular case, you didn't, you know, brush it off. You were very direct. This wasn't okay for me. Well, and it was also my safety because he looked, you know, kind of tough and rugged. I don't know what I would do if this guy gets mad. Well, you're in a bar though, right? Yeah. But the point is, is honest. I mean, I was talking about clear communication in relationship. I mean, that was a circumstance where there was a crossing of a boundary. But the point is, clear communication is also expressing your needs, wants, and desires in a way that's seen, heard, and understood. And again, we men can't guess what you're thinking. I don't get it. Why not? One of the mysteries of the world. Okay. Just like, anyway. All right. Number four, men want to have fun. Okay. Why I'm bringing this one up. And by the way, for the record, Marie plans all of our travel arrangements because that's like your part-time job as a travel agent. These are some fun things. Why I'm bringing this up is, I speak to so many women who are having relationships with men that are strictly on their smartphone. It's just text message relationships. That's not fun. No. I mean, that's therapy. That's hate. That might be a replacement for therapy, but that's not fun. Real fun is doing stuff together. Social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends. This should be an integral part of a relationship is, and I don't mean fun in the bedroom per se. That's next. Well, that, when you said fun, I thought that's what you were referring to. Well, that's okay. The next one, men want physical and emotional intimacy. Plus they want women to initiate. I hear a lot of complaints from men saying they wish women would initiate. I'm not complaining. I'm very happy. Okay. But I said emotional intimacy. The fact is, okay. So I was with a group, we were at a wedding. I just shared with you. And there was dozens and dozens of dozens of couples. And many of the men are part of my men's group I'm involved in. One of the key things they said that made a difference in each one of their relationships was the women they were with. It wasn't just a physical relationship. It was an emotional relationship. In other words, these are women that they felt safe enough to share their truth with. And I believe many couples don't cultivate true emotional intimacy. In fact, folks, I want to recommend a book for everyone. If you're not familiar with the book Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters, I highly recommend checking this out. Folks, many of you don't know how to cultivate emotional intimacy. Most men are clueless at it. But I'm here to say as much as you want to just sit back in your feminine energy and let a man lead, I'm saying you're giving the job to the wrong person because men do not know how to lead emotional intimacy. I mean, I'm a unicorn, but you're going to call me an airplane. No, no, no, no. The emotional intimacy, some men just don't know how to do it. They don't know how to talk. Men don't know. So you have to ask them questions. And sometimes they'll be uncomfortable. Now, if he's not that into you and he just wants a physical relationship, he's not going to want to answer anything. Mostly, yeah. No, but you bring up a good point. And again, men, it's not just in the asking of the question. That's the invitation to, which is the same thing. It's being inquisitive. It's the invitation to go deeper than just the surface. Marie knows she hears me joke. You know what I'm going to say. These days, how's your day going? Did you have a good day? No. Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Did you have a good day? You know, you were, you briefly dated a man that that was the extent of his messages to you. The momentous dishes. Yeah. So I'm here to say, if you want to go deeper, then you have to cultivate not just the physical, the emotional intimacy. And last, but not least, men want to be respected. They want to be respected for their choices. They want to particularly their choices. So Marie knows this story. I was in a relationship with a woman who literally I couldn't pick a restaurant that she liked. I mean, it wasn't gluten free. It wasn't the right atmosphere. It wasn't this or like I could. It was like I constantly was on eggshells because I couldn't make her happy. And I realized later, I compromised myself by making her trying to always make her happy. And I realized I wasn't respected for my choices. Yeah. Do you respect me for my choices? I just make all the choices. I think we do it together. Well, I appreciate that. So I want to just wrap, put a bow on all this folks, if you want to change your narrative, if you want more from a man. And again, what I shared is true for men and women alike. It begins by starting a foundation early in the dating process, radical honesty. Okay. That just means being honest and transparent, laying your cards on the table. That's being really transparent about your past because I feel like that's an important piece in getting to know a person. And most importantly, the rules of engagement. What are your standards? What is your standard? And what I mean by standard, what did your dating profile said you wanted? A deeply committed relationship, a deeply emotionally committed relationship that would lead to mutual trust and admiration. Okay. So that was part of your standard. Okay. The other day we found that list. Oh yeah. Marie had a list of all the things you wanted in a relationship and we reviewed that. I found it recently in an old notebook. Well, what I'm also talking about in the rules of engagement is how often you see each other, how often you communicate with one another, how often you're physically intimate with one another. It's important to have these conversations rather than be passive or cavalier because you have a greater chance for success when you have clarity up front. Yes. That's true. However, you're going to go on these meet and greets and you're going to figure out like that guy that pulled me into his legs that this is not somebody that you're going to want to even know what their life is about. So it's not everyone is you're going to be able to do that with but if you find someone and you connect, that's at that point where you I think you should start asking questions. So something interesting because you brought up Cheryl who had gone on 66 date before she met Doug. I think we have to get past this fantasy that finding a mate is easy. It's hard. Yeah. We're dealing with a dysfunctional population of human beings. And as I said, given that the significant percentage are divorced, we have gun shy people. We have people that have trust issues. We have people that are unstable in their lives. And I don't mean mentally unstable. I mean, maybe they're financially unstable in their lives or maybe other aspects or lives are in chaos. It's important to weed people out. This is why I created my private coaching program. So you learn how to we it's when I say weed people out, I call it vetting screening and filtering because you want to put the odds in your favor. And a lot of times you can do this even over the phone before you ever do a meet and greet. Probably a face time or something like that. Face time. Yeah. We didn't face time though. No, we didn't. I think we knew what we've each other look like based on the thousands of pictures we've seen. I mean, we're Facebook friends too. There is something that I wanted to say. Sometimes when when you go out and meet somebody, you have this idea of who they're going to be. And you have to that's one thing you have to like stop doing like I had came to the point is I got to stop doing that. I have to just let it happen. Some of these men also if they've been in long marriages, they are even more clueless. Like it happened to me because I had been married my whole life when I got thrown into the dating world. So men, you know, for men, I think it's even worse because they just relied on. So, you know, it's interesting I've heard women. Women. Sorry, I've heard women say, you know, how can this be a 60 or 58 year old man and be so clueless? Well, he got married when he was 20 or 22. Yeah. He probably has terrible social skills and poor relationship skills and poor emotional maturity. Maybe he pays his bills on time. That's a sense of responsibility. But to assume that just because someone's older, that they have emotional maturity and relationship skills, that's naive on your part. I know someone that's 65 and is still a child. Let's not get into that. Folks, again, we want to thank you so much. This has been a blast. I hope you found value. If you want more from a man, do these six things. If you found value, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. If you need some support, check out the links below to a free discovery call and all the good stuff to learn about my work. All right. I'm going to wrap up by giving my sweetheart a big gigantic Johnson Bear hug. I got one back. Of course. Thank you. All right, everyone. Have a great evening. Be well.