 Peace be upon you all, thank you for being here, insha'Allah we're going to go ahead and get started and expecting more people to join us in the weekend, I want to first thank the NCC, for the near-special in women's ways and all of the staff and volunteers for facilitating the event and also shout out to Abedah, my dear friend, who is the reason why we're here. She reached out actually, I think a couple months back and said, you know, have you thought of doing a parenting workshop? I had in the past but Masha'Allah I think with her little nudge and push, that's why we're here and the aim really is to give us an opportunity to meet with each other, to learn from one another. You know they say it takes a village but unfortunately because of our lifestyles we're all very in our own worlds and sometimes we forget that there is a village outside. So hopefully by having a space to dialogue we can actually implement what that means which is really leaning on each other, learning from one another and just insha'Allah doing this together because as we know we're a new jama'a and we need each other insha'Allah. So before we officially start, there's an outline you can see right there of what we're going to try to achieve today, so my background for those who don't know me, I am a Bay Area native, I pretty much raised here, I was born here but I was raised here and then for about nine years I actually left and I went to Southern California and while I was there I had my own children and I also started a preschool co-op for three years and I worked closely with young children and before that actually I taught here in the Bay Area and taught at different Islamic schools. So how did I have experience teaching and being around children? I love children and so this workshop really comes from my heart because this is hard work for me just anything that has to do with children. So that's just my background. I also have a mental health advocate, I'm a writer, I edit so I do a few different things and I give presentations. I have talks here the second Thursday of every month and we do programs at Cali with regarding women and four women I should say. So that's pretty much my background. So I'm going to welcome. So before we actually continue the presentation, I wanted to just ask you guys and I like the audience participation by the way so I want you to participate. Let's talk about the ideals that we create about marriage, life and parenting before we ever get married. What are some dreams that people have about what married life is going to be like and what your picture perfect Muslim American family looks like? What do you think? Give me some answers. What do you think of your spouse? I think that you know as an American Muslim you think that you would be integrated into society as well as be able to retain your Islamic identity while navigating in society. So having both sort of that balance right? How good is that? And what about your actual life being married? What are the sort of again I want to talk about like what we dream about you know little girls or little boys or maybe not little boys. So little girls tend to dream about their weddings and what life is going to be like right? But what are the constructs that we have about marriage life? For example, when it comes to your spouse, in one line what do women usually say? There's you know I want my spouse to be mine, what? Sole mate. Sole mate, very good. What else? Women tend to want a particular quality in their spouse. Back to going, very good. Oftentimes we hear that women want a best friend, right? They want to marry their best friend, right? Men on the other hand, I don't know if I hear brothers saying that as much. I think for men it's a little different, right? They might not necessarily want that. They want a woman who they're happy with but also who has the approval of this family especially. I think that's an ideal partner for the brothers. Is that they want someone who can give them some balance there, right? And so what we do, we tend to dream up this perfect ideal of what a Muslim family is supposed to look like, right? And when it comes to our children, they are everything, right? I mean they're perfect. First of all, they're geniuses, right? Of course. We all assume and actually believe that our kids are geniuses whether we say it or not, but oh my God, did you see that? And every moment is captured. And so they're, you know, mashallah, they'll be gay. You know, that's what they are. But then we also set them up with a lot of expectations, right? We want them to have the best edda, but their elders especially, do their all their work on time, be very responsible, clean, know to recycle, you know, be conscientious. We want all of these things. And on top of that, we want them to have respite and pray. So we dream up all of these ideals, which are mashallah, wonderful. And you know, we imagine again, when you're thinking about your family life together, you're imagining, I'm sure, meals together, breaking fast together, praying together, right? When you're intending to start a family, inshallah, those are the things that you should be aspiring to, that you have a strong family unit, and there's just, mashallah, so much connection happening, right? And so, you know, there you go. And I chose these images, by the way, there are some, to kind of go with what I'm talking about. I chose these images because they're, you know, they're animated, they're dreams, they're visions that we have, but they're not always necessarily true, right? Even if we have the best of intentions, are intentions good intentions enough, right? Are they enough? And do things always go as we plan, not necessarily, right? And that's why more important than anything is how we respond, right? Because things might not go the way we want them to, how we respond to what is happening to us, right? It really says a lot about whether or not we're going to have difficulty in challenges, or we're going to, inshallah, have success. Because if we focus on our own responsibilities, and our duties, and leave the rest to Allah, we submit, inshallah, this is where we will find that just by letting go of this need to control outcomes, right? Because a lot of us, when we build up a dream and an ideal, we're stuck on the outcomes. And the outcomes is what we want. And so that can inform our parenting, because it's like, I have this ideal of how everything is supposed to go, and if it doesn't go that way, there's something wrong. But if you're doing everything, inshallah, in your power correctly, the outcomes you leave to Allah's power, right? And this is a part of submission that we just realize we can't control everything, right? We can definitely control our own selves. So the point here is that good intentions aren't enough. They're obviously important, right? We believe in ima al-amad min yat, and we believe in this. But the problem is when we take again these good intentions and attach them to these dreams, and then we treat marriage like it's a right. Like it's something that I'm entitled to, right? Or something that I deserve. And the reason why is because, you know, we live in a... There are systems around us where everything's based on, you know, a marriage system. So if I do it good, you know, I get this in return. And that's sort of how we think about even when it comes to our relationships. So when you walk into a relationship with that mindset or, you know, starting a family with this mindset, that if I do everything correctly, if things should go as planned, it kind of sets you up to have an entitled sort of, you know, mindset going into that. And that right there is also a problem. You can't be entitled to anything. Because marriage is not a right. It's a huge responsibility, right? And if you really think about, Subhan Allah, marriage preparation. For example, how many people in this room are single, not married? I mean, we should see more single people here. Right? We take more time sometimes, because we're very interesting people. We take more time to prepare for travel, for even like a meal, right? We'll look up recipes. We'll call people. We do research for things like that. But when it comes to parenting, we often do it when it's too late. And by that I mean when you see, you know, two plus signs on a little, you know, stick too late. You know what I mean? Then it's like, oh my God, I got to start worrying about parenting. It's so limited, because we're stuck on baby, right? Preparing for a baby. We're stuck on, oh my God, the, you know, cribs and like, strollers and diapers and bottles. And we're stuck on that. Subhan Allah. If you actually step back and said, is there a greater thing that a human being can do than to be responsible for a soul, right? Is there a greater task that we have? The greatest thing is this incredible responsibility. And yet, we don't prepare for it enough. And that's why usually in parent workshops you see parents who've already had their children, and I'm not here, but I wish that we were, we had singles and people who are just starting out their married lives, you know, prior to even having children. Because that's responsibility. That's really looking at this like this is a very way thing, right? And we have to, you know, not that it reminds us again and again. You know, he says Do people think that they will be left to say, we believe and that you will not be tested? So this is why, why is he telling us this? That you're going to experience tests in your life and in order, with any test, right? You better prepare. And you can't prepare for those tests if you're just walking in with that dream like with your mindset, you know, just caught up in a dream. And I think that's the problem with the society and the world that we live in is they look at this, you know, marriage and family life, and they idealize everything and romanticize everything to the point where it just becomes, you know, something that it's like any any goal, you know, that you want, just want it, you know, because for what it is, you know, but when you really step back and say, wait a second, this is, you know, it completes half of our being marriage, first of all, and all this fact that it also tells us, you know, in another eye, I know that your possessions and your children are a test and that Allah is immense and that with Allah is immense reward. This is again another reminder for us that these are things that we will be tested about. So don't just get caught up in the fantasy and the movies and the films and the songs and the picture, wedding albums and the pictures of what a family is going to look like. Actually take it very, very seriously and do the preparation beforehand. That's where we should be, right? And so, so what does that mean? It means that in order for us to really take parenting and really understand that it's, have a seriousness of it, we have to first and foremost realize it's completely tied to how, to our relationship with Allah. You can't expect to be a successful parent or a successful really main thing if we're being honest without working on yourself, right? In the last part that I had in another Aya in Surah Baqarah, he tells it, this is an exchange, right? That's happening between the angels, Allah and the angels when he tells them that he's going to create Adam, alaihi salam. There's this beautiful conversation that happens and he says, So what is this? He says that indeed I will make upon the earth a successive authority, a leader and they said, will you place upon it one who causes corruption therein and sheds blood while we declare your praise and sanctify you? And Allah said, indeed I know that which you do not know. So this verse explains very clearly, the purpose of our existence and our creation is that we do everything work towards this goal of actually becoming leaders. So every one of us, not just the men, how shall I know that? We have obviously roles in our families in our communities, in our societies for men and women, but in this context, this is applying to every one of us. All of us are leaders and this is what Allah is telling us that he's even telling the angels that you don't know what I know about my creation but they have the potential to be amazing. But if you don't see yourself as that, and especially in the context of a family and marriage and you're just thinking, oh I'm just going to go and it's just part of life, everybody gets married everybody has kids and you're not looking at it like no no no, you have to go there with the mindset that you are being held accountable and that you will be held accountable then you're going to set yourself up for failure. And then also in addition to this ayah we also have to remember that we took a very serious oath in the primordial realm when he asked us this is before the dunya started when the souls were created and we were all gathered we had this covenant, we had this exchange so this is again to remind us that he put a responsibility on us even then in that realm and we have to acknowledge that, that yes you are our Lord, we worship you, we obey you and part of obedience to our Lord is taking these verses to heart and actually reflecting on that and seriously. And again just stripping the mind from this idea that I just because my parents want me to and because I want companionship I'm just going to get married for all of these worldly reasons it's an amenna and we're going to talk about that so this is another hadith that it's very powerful because it reinforces this idea that there we go the prophet said every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock it's one of my favorite hadith because if you really look at the description it's such a beautiful analogy it's a text because this is just that's just a part of it he said every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock the leader of the people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects a man is the guardian of his family and is responsible for them a woman is the guardian for her husband's home and his children and she is responsible for them and the servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it and he is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock now this is again so crystal clear we are literally told to rise to the challenge and become leaders because when you think of a shepherd what is he doing or she doing what do they do what do you imagine them with what are they holding in their hand what's their purpose to guide to gather them keep them safe keep them safe so what do they hold in their hand what's that called the staff the shepherd has a staff or a crook now if you pay attention closely it has like a hook what's the hook for it's a long staff it's multifunctional but what's that crook for so three different things that the shepherd does with his staff is it as a long arm if you're looking at obviously even in this image hundreds of animals and he just puts his hands out and goes over this way in front of him so it's a way to have breach pay attention to the words I'm using so he extends his arm to have breach then the crook is for animals that fall animals that go astray sometimes the sheep or goat for example fall into a bush or they fall over a cliff and they're injured or the baby goes away from its mother so to wrangle an animal with your own physical force is difficult but that crook helps them pull by the neck, pull by the ankle and so that's part of it so that gives them control reach, control and then it's also used as a walking stick to feel the terrain imagine you're in charge of guiding groups a large group of animals from one place to the other whether it's to feed or whatever your job is to make sure that the terrain with which they walk upon is safe so they're also securing them not just safe from actual physical land what's going on with the ground but also from predators so to be vigilant to make sure that the shepherd knows what animals and threats are out there there are snakes, there are wolves what's out there, foxes also to know if also if those animals are present the shepherd needs to know how to protect so they have the rod so they have a staff and then they have another it's like a club kind of that they usually hold and that club is to if they need to kill a snake or if they need to push a predator away or intimidate them somehow they have that so these are tools in their hand to know to protect their herd and so again this analogy is powerful because you can apply it to parenting so easily we need to as parents make sure that we have reach with our children we're going to talk about what that means basically open communication if you can't reach your children because they are unavailable you're too busy communicating with them effectively they're going to wander off and that's what so many parents are dealing with where there's a total block they can't reach their children their children have no respect for them they disregard them and a lot of kids are doing this they're lying doing things behind their parents back this is where we as leaders have to not blame the children look to ourselves did I do this did I extend my arms and let them know I'm here for them or did I just let them wander off and now I'm worried they're freaking out so a lot of parents find themselves in so we need to make sure we have reach and then control if they fall what do you do if God forbid something happens do you know what to do and this is where in the next slide we'll talk a little bit more in detail but that's why that crook is so important if you don't have a way to pull them out of danger right if you don't have a way to control the situation then what do you expect you can't give them the next most important thing which is security right so those three things are what a shepherd's aim is to make sure they have reach to make sure they have control and to make sure they have security and that's also why they walk ahead that's I think the point that I really want to drive home is being ahead you don't let the herd just go out and then you follow them you as the shepherd have to be ahead so when it comes to parenting that's why doing the education before you're actually in it really matters and so I took a little survey before some of you walked in are there any single people here who are not married really hoping for at least one I'm going to make an example out of you but you know I was just saying that it's so important to do this type of education before I mean how did that work here but that's what effective leadership is that you recognize this is a huge amount from all this plant that I'm going to be held accountable I better educate myself before I get into it and really focus on the right things right and so what does that mean well to prepare for leadership and you have to understand yourself you cannot like go into any role if you don't know who you are right and this is a core belief of our tradition whoever knows himself knows their Lord so self-awareness self-knowledge is very very important and what does that mean practically you should know your personality type raise your hand if you've ever taken a personality test before good and you should know that and you should be well versed in explaining your personality to the people in your life raise your hand if as a family you've ever taken a personality test before so that's your homework do that take personality tests with your family every single person in your house you should know their personality type they should know your personality type it is very important know the temperance, what does that mean there's an entire body of science that up until recently educators and psychologists psychiatrists, mental health field and it's called the four temperance and then there's been a clear sort of divide between tradition and science and so anything that even had a hint of a religious tradition or anything like that it's being moved out of scientific literature and science and stuff but these are things that they were using not too long ago so look up the four temperance and there's tests you can do online to determine what your temperament is what is all this for it's because again if you don't have self knowledge and self awareness how do you possibly go and have the confidence to raise another human being not just one but two in some cases three, four, five some of our moms like eight, ten oh my gosh what a task you're going to try to raise eight to ten children and you don't even know yourself well and unfortunately self knowledge wasn't a priority for most of our parents and the older generation because it was survival right they didn't have the luxury of sitting there taking personality tests like it's sipping their coffee they were like I got to live so but we're not in that position that's why for us it's honestly like it's pretty if we're behind on these things we have no excuse and that's part of passive parenting which we're going to talk about but knowing yourself knowing your basic needs okay for example and I know like people joke about this but it's actually really important raise your hand if you're somebody who absolutely gets hangry like if you don't eat like it's a like you get it's really affects you right okay so now I want you to think about this if you know that about yourself and you skip breakfast and you ruin your day and have a head ache come home as a cranky parent right you didn't fulfill your own need you have to it's not it doesn't make you selfish if you know like I need to eat at a certain time and I have to because otherwise I suffer and I just kind of let go it comes out in really wrong ways take care of your needs there's nothing wrong with that and it's actually like they say on the airplane put the mask on first and take worry about everybody else but it comes to parenting you have to do that you have to know your own needs make sure you take care of those needs make sure you have a hierarchy of needs to kind of see where you are but the most important thing when it comes to parenting and knowing yourself you have got to know the diseases of your heart if you don't please look into getting this book because it's called purification of the heart and it's all about the diseases of the heart that every single one of us have we are all infected probably with all of them to a certain degree but some more than others if you're a leader if you're not aware of your own diseases if you're not aware of your own spiritual shortcomings and yet your task as a Muslim parent is to raise another human being and give them guidance does it make any sense if you're totally oblivious to your own faults so you have to be this is what self-knowledge is being aware of your own diseases being aware of your own limitations it's not like it's like oh okay I resolved no no no you have to be willing to continue that work but once you're not aware of yourself at least you're asking these questions then you need to look at again those in your care what are their needs right what are their needs so for husbands this is really important that you pay attention to the needs of your wives not and you know it's very natural it happens where we focus on our own needs first but if you pay attention to your partner's needs first and they're doing the same guess what everybody's needs get fulfilled right but if you're paying attention to my needs and they're paying attention to their needs nobody's needs are getting fulfilled but that's usually what we end up doing we just sort of like well I want this and I tend to do that and it's a lot of I I I but really paying attention to the needs of your partner is important because it makes you a team right and you can't be effective parents if you don't work together it's not going to happen something will fall apart eventually because children pay attention then it's like picking and choosing and it just causes the so you want to really take it seriously where you pay attention to those in your care and also have sense to your children looking at what their needs are understanding the potential dangers and threats and we talked a little bit about that earlier when you referenced the shepherd the shepherd knows to look out and know what to look for what's going on with your children maybe you have any idea what kids are exposed to for example online you know people need to know this and I know so many parents who are built fully they admit that they don't know anything I don't like social media I'm not on but you know what don't be on it for yourself but if you don't know what's going on and you have a teenager if you don't know in a few years they're going to come to you and say I want snap I want Instagram or if they it might be like over by then you have right but like at some point they're going to ask for these things and if you're clueless and so many parents are I've done parenting workshops on social media and I can't tell you even afterwards how like devastating it is parents come up and say I don't know what to do my child is completely addicted they they're on everything and I don't know anything a lot of moms and dads were just you know maybe for language barriers or whatever you know they just don't know they have these horrible situations at home where their kids are exposed to everything you know and they don't know what to do so you have to know what are the potential dangers and threats out there what are my kids being exposed to you just have to realize sometimes life is going to throw you really difficult situations but you have to know hey how can I prevent these things from happening how can I protect them and what resources are out there seeking counsel when needed there's so many parents and families that are suffering because they don't reach out and this is why you know I've been doing mental advocacy help advocacy for a long time because in our community we have a problem and this goes back to what what I talked about in the beginning we're so stuck on the dream we're so stuck on selling that perfect image that anything that breaks that up even if it means having a healthier family is just too intimidating we don't want to know we have problems so we don't talk about anything we hush hush or we try to self fix and I've seen things just spiral out of real control I've had moms calling in panic over really really terrifying things and I'm not exaggerating when I say this like what do I do when it's like wait wait wait this problem has been going on for how long what over a year over two years and now you're trying to do something so we have to wake up and say part of being effective parents is we need to know A what the what the dangers are but also seek counsel when it's needed and then of course like I said before ultimately you have we have to rely on God and submit to His will outcomes we cannot control you can do everything perfectly as a parent and the outcome might not be what you want that's not on you if you were effectively leading you were doing everything correctly and something happened that is not on you you don't have to look at yourself like you failed because if you were responsible and you were doing everything right and you taught them of love and compassion and you embraced them and showed them the beauty of yourself the outcome is not on you so that should take off pressure because I know a lot of parents especially of teens blame themselves what did I do wrong and just start just leave the outcome to Allah and obviously pray for the best do everything in your power but don't focus on that because if that becomes your focus where it's like everything has to be perfect then again you're missing it you have to focus on yourself so and then just to further emphasize before as a strong leader you have to know your responsibilities first and then your rights so when it comes to your children don't focus on because bin Laden is exploited in our cultures it's 100% exploited so much spiritual abuse happens because parents use this beautiful part of our faith to exploit their children and it starts very early like you see authoritative parenting models can be very toxic to leave them little children start barking orders at them you better obey me you better do this I mean I've had really formal cases where parents have you know abused their authority based on I have rights over you you know Jenna's under my foot if you don't obey me you go to hell and it's like that's what you say to a 4 or 5 year old child like what's going on it's not effective parenting and if you're doing any of that stuff stop children are beautiful and pure and they don't need to hear harsh language like that so but if you're going in again with this construct you know what I'm entitled to things right I'm entitled to my children listening to me and you come with that attitude then that's all you care about and then what about their rights over you do you even know what they are have you ever studied or taken a class there's classes on this material there's books written on this material but again this is where we as responsible leaders and parents it's our charge to do this work we have to be looking into this stuff and so you know and then also just culture define your parenting model or does Islam be honest right if you're parenting based on what your cultural attitudes are and expectations are and that means that you forego clear rules in Islam that is a huge problem I'll give you an example for example double standards okay raise your hand if you are talking to women looking over here because this happens a lot in our cultures raise your hand if there are total double standards between the way you are treated and the way your brothers are treated in your household like rules for example chores right do your brothers have to wash dishes and set up a table and like you know do things like that I mean if they did mashallah good parenting but a lot of our in our homes if you knew I tease my sister in law now a lot and she teases me if you knew the way that we were raised we were serving serving the boys when they come to the house like on a tray I never got that if I walked in late after a work shift it was like go get your own food there was no serving happening so definitely double standards of things like that chores absolutely I don't think I ever in my life saw my little girl do anything like any domestic task I just really can't work like but we used to have to vacuum make our beds make his bed so there's definitely double standards in some of our cultures even with curfews curfews I mean I couldn't be out past this or when parents didn't care what their brothers were so this is cultural boys, girls and the same stuff this said washes dishes they have to wash dishes fold laundry, fold laundry we had the grass cut this division of labor based on gender is very odd because again it goes against the sun the brawls last time he used to wash his own dishes he used to have men in his own clothes so are those two girly for boys to do it's ridiculous but again this is where culture takes over and if those are the types of things that are going on in your home where there's definite separation based on gender what am I doing am I creating maybe some resentment and entitlement am I planting seeds that are going to be really disastrous for my children as they grow up because my daughter is going to be resentful and I have a boy who's just like hey where's my tray of food picking on his wife and expecting all these things because I contributed to this cycle so you have to know again think about this this is really where you as a parent you have to be responsible and then being the guy who you want your children to follow you cannot they need proper guidance they learn from imitation they learn from listening and observing so you can't say do as I say and how I do this doesn't work it's like literally hypocrisy that is the spreading of the path but a lot of parents that's how they're parents because I said so no break it down explain to your children the wisdoms of things don't be a hypocrite if you say something do it if you don't do something don't tell them not to do it that's how it should be don't do it don't tell them not to do it but you can't be doing it so be really sincere in terms of setting a good example the next point is really important and we're going to get to that which is tailored parenting tailored parenting is really accepting the idea that no two children are the same the one size fits all model it doesn't work when it comes to rules and just sort of setting house rules but not when it comes to one on one connection with parenting you have got to focus in and know who your children are and then we talked a little bit about knowing the dangers that work and if we have time we'll try to get to the temperaments but let's just quickly this is again the characteristics of an effective leader just to summarize for you these are things that you should ask yourself do I have do you have strong communication skills okay are you able to really communicate effectively do you know like how to articulate what you're feeling or is it a struggle for you and if it's a struggle for you that's not something that you can't work on sometimes people just say well I don't know I just have a person a few words and that's it conversations end that way but you probably do have a lot to say it's just a matter of the media right so strong communication skills doesn't mean strong speaking skills necessarily maybe writing is more effective maybe you do need an arbitrator or mediator but that's effective communication if you even recognize that right that I need to work on maybe I can't get through to my child or I don't know how but you have to know these are skills you have are you passionate you know as a parent are you truly commitment or are you checked out just be honest because you can again solve something if you're you know resolve issues if you're not willing to be honest or resolve and look at yourself like really clearly in a year if you're like yeah I'm kind of not interested you know I'm in a mode where I want to do my own thing right now okay parenting is kind of a burden you know it's like oh too much I have to clean and have to help them with their homework I want to be doing like be honest about that that's saying that you right now are in a place in your life where you need more right and honestly if it's you know you can it's very subjective because every situation is different but there are a lot of people who have been sacrificing and sacrificing and sacrificing and sacrificing so they do get to that point where it's like yeah I had children I stayed home I didn't work I put aside all my dreams I didn't go to school I didn't work I didn't do anything and now at a point where I really want to focus on that it doesn't make you a bad parent okay that doesn't make you a bad parent because in Islam alhamdulillah we're multifaceted and all parts of us should be celebrated just because you're a parent doesn't mean that you can't also be an entrepreneur an artist you know have your own thing going on but I think again culturally these are things that we're told like if you're a good mom you just sacrifice your life forever just die sort of for your children and your husband of course don't do anything but right and if you're a father too if you're a good father your whole life should basically be like like you should be working until right before you are delivered right and these are the cultural crazy ideas that we you know have that we perpetuate at an individual level like am I an effective parent if I am checked out no so maybe I need to work on balance so that I can find the time to be committed to my children when I'm with them but also pursue my passions this is self-awareness self-knowledge this is the type of stuff that you need to look at positivity you know and of course if you're happy and feeling fulfilled you're going to be more positive innovation this is not bidah so don't get me in trouble talking about like being creative learning how to be creative with your children finding new ideas and ways to teach them things that's you know part of protective parenting but if again if you're passive in your parenting you're not checked out you're too busy you know trying to figure your own self out or you're like really just overwhelmed maybe you're carrying burdens maybe your parents are older and you're working and you've just got a lot of responsibility it's going to be it's natural that these things aren't going to really you know come out but how do you do it right and in collaboration so being you know looking at your family as a student it's very important that we kind of this authoritative model of parenting as I said before it's kind of it's it's very top down right but when you actually look at your family and you talk in a language that's collaborative especially if you have teenagers this is very healthy because they they feel like they're part of the team right and they're not you're not just barking orders at them and telling them what to do and they're actually like yeah this is our family and we want success and so collaboration is really important okay any questions there are a few more slides but any questions at this point can you remind me again what innovation is sure innovation is being created like yes coming up with like creative ideas of things to do with your children but this also takes you back to knowing your children's interests right if you're not paying attention and you're just like just go to school do your chores you know do this and it's just kind of like this very dry existence for them and there is no time where you can actually connect and say you know what what are you interested in let's go to this museum let's go try this class out let's try doing something you know then it becomes again very like you're not you're not in it whereas innovation requires you to be present requires you to be in it right it requires you to really pay attention to your children to base what you know what they do let's ask you about the situation you mentioned earlier about that one girl who took the class yes so in that situation I know you said that you know there was some you know you try your best to return and then both the link is a little less obviously you prayed for her but how do you manage the relationship of the child at that point very good I mean upon all they're still your children you know and even I've had people you know approached me through the you know difficult situations they don't know what to do because it's affected their heart towards their children they feel betrayed it's very normal but just like we tell our converts you know to Islam oh you have to still be respectful and maintain those relationships inshallah we can't we have to do the same thing they're still our children we still have to leave that door open with them and just really look at them like you know it's it's difficult and I know people who are going through this right now but honestly it's a matter of what's better for them that you push them away that you judge them that you're critical of them and you basically throw them right back into the arms of those who are you know willing to take them from you or that you leave the door open leave the lines of communication open be understanding be respectful and show them that you know if you're thick and thin I'm still mom I'm still that right inshallah maybe somewhere down maybe it won't be sudden maybe it will be you know for a while maybe it will be maybe though you know he's a he's a flipper of hearts and the power in the law the power in law the parent is you know unmatched so there's so much that we can do if we just step back and realize outcomes I'm not responsible for outcomes right I cannot control outcomes if a law will something he wills it what I can control is what I do and my you know response should be of compassion of mercy and of course making law and asking so this conversation sometimes it brings me because I'm a immigrant so I want to feel like if I was in that situation I'm going to bring myself I'm the one who grew up here so I don't know I feel like okay it's so hard how can we deal with this right you are the one who put her in that situation it's your fault I was not going to judge you based on you making a huge threat coming to another country I'm sure your intention was not to have your children go astray there's dangers there's dangers even in Muslim countries nowadays if you look at the polls there's huge numbers of people who are completely deflected from Islam coming out of Muslim majority countries so Allah is the only one who guides it's not necessarily the people you're around or where you are your location and that's why again your job as a parent if you're following along you need to be that shepherd so yes you bring them maybe to somewhere that there's more dangers but if you're on top of those dangers if you're ahead of those dangers if you have things in motion or systems in place so that it prevents harm from coming you're doing your due diligence so for example bringing them and shot lots in the message this is a huge blessing that we have so there's so many people why is it that we talk about we have this influx of people who come and they sort of disappear we have to be we have to go out there especially if you're a regular attendee you do come to the masjid take your children to masjid this place is not easy living in this time and day it's not easy the masjid will keep them insha'Allah grounded and I'm going to talk about that reflecting some statistics that are really insha'Allah hopeful to just give us more encouragement some of the things that we can do making sure that the company they keep that's why that friend, that sister gave me the company she keeps is very important as parents you should absolutely know who your children's friends are you should know who they talk to if you don't know, oh what's her name who are you talking to and that's the conversation who is she what are her parents like where does she do you have to like prove it, there's so much like research out there talks about the enormous influence that kids have over each other so you're literally handing them to complete strangers if you don't know who they are and then you expect them to just come home and obey every single thing you teach them if you don't know who these people are so these are the types of things that we have to do sometimes I know you said be your child's friend but sometimes when you give them choices they sort of start leading you right so I am one of those parents who is very authoritative I am my dad's child so I just say it and it has to happen alhamdulillah so far it has worked and I did advise a friend to try that with her kids because her kids do not want to come to them like mentioned so now she kind of changed her kids here I said don't give them choices we probably don't get choices so let them take care of them like a balance eventually and giving choices as far as the authoritative model there's a time and place for it absolutely when it becomes the only model of which you parent that's an issue we'll talk about why because the effects of that on every stage in childhood we're going to get to that but if you know that these are the characters that have an effective leader then the next step is accepting again that parenting is 100% environmental and if you see your children as just extensions of you this is a real serious problem they might look like you but they're not yours the kids are not yours you can't have this attitude they belong to alhamdulillah halas he literally is giving them to us for an appointed time and he will hold this account for how we take care of that amount when it's time to return them so if you really, really believe in that then you take things very different you look at them very differently but if you just think oh they're just my little minions and I have to tell them to do all the time then you exploit them you abuse your authority and it just becomes a very toxic environment but if it's like wait a second it came from my body and I helped create them I need to really, really be careful about what I do with this it's fragile children are fragile then you parent with more presence you actually hold yourself accountable we just lost a child this past Friday alhamdulillah he was only 13 years old and according to everything that people have said about him he was like a little angel child right? he was adab he was beautiful shy he just had the most excellent manners he loved the Quran sweet, he just did everything right inshallah the parents were clearly doing everything right but you know why did Allah's plan to take him because he can't call us they belong to him and we can't question his will and that's iman iman is believing that children are not ours they are Allah's just like we belong to Allah and we have to take that charge seriously and the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said what does that mean? the signs of a hypocrite he tells a lie whatever he promises he always breaks it and if you trust him he proves to be dishonest so may Allah protect us from being part of this category the trust he's given us children are hard to trust and the way that we prevent ourselves again from faltering and abusing this trust and treat your children small or grown fairly with equal justice we have to be fair we have to have equal justice there's a lot of favoritism I know that happens in families and if you're one of those parents where you do favor one over the other you're going to be not accountable for that if one of your child is like prodigal and perfect and just sweet and you're just like sure you can have ice cream at night maybe they're bratty and they did something to upset you in the day and you're like no you can't have any that's so wrong stuff along with so many parents do it they totally do their favorites with their children and this is a direct command from Allah fear Allah and treat your children small or grown fairly with equal justice that's why what we talked about earlier the double standards are so toxic because a lot of children get mistreated because of double standards so parents have to be careful and then another Hadith that really emphasizes how we're responsible for so much of what happens to them no child is born except on al-Fitrah every child is born on al-Fitrah and then the parents make him either Jewish, Christian, Magian it goes on so what is this telling us all of our children are born pure whatever they come out to because of our negligence right is on us but what I was saying earlier if you're doing everything right you don't blame yourself it's when you're negligent when you're failing, when you're not present when you're completely letting the television set or the phone and the internet parent, your children yeah, you're going to be accountable so that fear should strike you like stuff for a lot and you need to take this more seriously and you need to start doing stuff and that's why knowing your children's rights they're mandated by God children have rights you have to give them their up so fathers this is in the Quran bearing the costs of their food clothing on equitable terms so being fair with your children in terms of what you provide for them they're sustenance and then take your other child to like pay less you know it doesn't work that way equitable terms in the process of them said that one of the rights of children over their parents is being given a nice name this is for those who are expecting make sure that you give your children names that reflect what you want to see in them not just what grandma wants sometimes there's politics that force people to do things like I want my child to reflect for example when I had my second child my first child is Yasin and so my second child I wanted to name him Matin Ryan so original so I was like Yasin Matin how cute and then after I asked my teacher I said you know this is a good name and he said you know don't name him Matin why because Matin is about might it's a you know one of the attributes of Allah but it describes like like strength and might and it's almost to be feared and you don't want that to come out in your child and so I was like oh no you're right so Alhamdulillah it was good nasiha and I changed his name to something totally different, Ismail Alhamdulillah you know and you know he was born literally smiling like he had a huge smile on his face when I first saw him and Mashallah he's a very smiley kid I mean not the Ismail it's a play on the word Ismail Alhamdulillah he's he's treated his name in many ways but that's just one of them so naming your children is really important and then having a good education you have to provide for them make sure that they are learning good and learning well and that doesn't mean just giving the top 10 school or schools that have a top 10 rating but it's actually looking at the character of the teacher that is going to be teaching your child and know who they are if you allow them to have that access to your children's heart especially young kids sometimes parents work and have other obligations it's okay to have so and so watch this person so and so watch this for our kids but you have to be careful every single person that comes in contact with your children if they don't have that character that you want your children to reflect you're exposing them to stuff this is just mindful parenting education is just not just beyond the classroom it's really a matter of who's teaching your children and anything be careful about that and then back to the tailored parenting again I can't emphasize there's research and research that shows even identical twins in the same home with the same exact parenting eating the same exact food doing everything come out completely different because no two children are the same so when we talk about tailored parenting this is what we're talking about and these quotes from because someone mentioned earlier and we have to think about this we all do it we all eventually model parenting that was done to us on to our children turning into my mom and things that we thought we would never do end up doing parenting very clear, do not raise your children the way your parents raised you they were born for a different time and that doesn't mean across the board you can't take things that your parents taught you it's a matter of really focusing on the nuances on the differences that your children the environment everything that's changing around that and making sure that as your parenting you're sensitive to those things because if you're just modeling the same thing that was done to you 20 years ago plus it's not going to be effective and I've seen this happen even in my own family where it's the same sort of model but it's not working with this generation of children you have to do something different and then clear instructions here for us and the child will get to that how to look at your children as they go through different stages I'm sure we've all heard this but we're going to talk about what this means play with them until they're 7 discipline and teach them from 7 to 14 and then befriend them at the age of 14 so whatever age you'll find yourself in there's something in this for you so let's look at spirituality and early childhood so how many of you have children between ages of 2 and 7 so this is a very tender age what do they need the most they need love they need safety they need guidance so knowing those needs paying attention to what they need now what tools can you use to inculcate the love of Allah in your children at this age storytelling with animation you have to be willing to be silly I ran a preschool for 3 years and one of the funny things that we noticed was again, it comes back to we're just so worried about our image that some moms they look at us like we're crazy we're dancing, we're doing all these faces and we have puppets on our fingers and I'm in the world with your children right now I'm in the play world but they can't do that I don't know how you do that I can't do those voices and I can't do all the stuff and I'm like that's sad because your children need that they're living in a totally exciting universe and you're not willing to go to their universe but yet you want them to do it perfectly read the Quran perfectly don't make mistakes say salam to every single person we have all these strict rules that we want our children to follow because it all reflects good on us but we're not willing to meet them because this story time is so important for children this is my own advice but they have such an incredible imagination so stories of the prophets or stories from the seat of what happened in the cave of Hidon right but this is a really incredible story if you actually think about it and this is where innovation comes into play think about how can I retell this story in a way where my children will get it in a deep detail the prophet was worried about the polytheists you don't need to go from that angle just say you used to go on a mountain because you wanted to get away from all the noise life was just too busy and crowded too many sounds you wanted to get away so you went on a mountain top and you'd go there for like 40 days and kind of really get expressive about how you tell this story what happens can you just imagine in a time and place where they don't have artificial lights or anything like that that all of a sudden this being of light enters this cave and then this whole exchange this is how you tell a story to a child you bring them into this magical world why do you think all these cartoons and movies CGI they make millions and millions of colors they really love that type of wild magical sort of stories they love those types of things we have those and they're real and we don't tell them it's not a mirage I mean an animal that has wings and I've done these so I'm telling you what you see the children are like as you're describing what's happening they're just in complete captivated mode if you want to get a child's attention depending on what we have that or even other stories about animals that speak it's all in this you know there's animals that spoke to the Prophecyan ants camels animals that literally spoke these stories that our children should know rocks mountains trees that spoke again bringing that into that world this is the age to do that stuff stories about Jena you should absolutely be talking about Jena to your children at any young age and you know I was at this funeral yesterday a friend of mine was sort of worried about whether or not she should take her kids and I said you should take your children I take my children to funerals why are we running away from funerals life and death it's like a cycle it's just part of what happens in this world and we don't fear death death should not be something you teach your children to fear that's very borrowed from western society death is a transition it's a move from one dimension to another and of course time and place for everything you know you have to know your own children but generally speaking if you make death about going to Jena and meeting Allah swt there's nothing that they're going to fear but if you make it about going 6 feet under and having dirt running and worms eating your body and angels coming to Jena there's parents who talk to their kids about Shaitan and Jahannam when they're like 4 and 3 you have no business talking to them about Jahannam and Shaitan and threatening them like with like do you want to burn in a fire for doing that like what is that fear tactics to try to you know teach their children at that age that's horrifying because just like their imagination can imagine all the amazing things they can also imagine the monstrous things things that are dark and just not you have to stay away from those topics you know and even introducing concepts like I remember the best advice I got from was actually was not to introduce lying to your children at this age like if they tell you something and you go are you lying this is terrible because you're literally introducing to them a concept of deception which is a purposefully like evil act they do not lie in that age they're innocent they're living in an imaginary world so if they drop a glass and you say did you drop that that is not the same as deception because in their mind they might have created a scenario where they truly don't think they did now are the facts are those the facts no maybe they just you know are created again a fantasy of like you know they were playing with an imaginary friend and their imaginary friend dropped it you never know but for you to introduce this concept of deception at an early age it's ruining that because you're actually blaming them for doing something that's intentional right you get it because to deceive and to lie is intentional you're purposefully doing that but children don't do that they're just in a different they're in an ultimate universe basically in that imaginary play world so that was really good to see that scenario so don't introduce concepts like that or like I said sin because even sinning like they don't understand what sinning is when they're young why don't we want to talk about sinning and that's different from like saying we don't do that if you can say we don't you know eat pork we don't do those things as much things but to introduce the concept of a sin when it's too early it might confuse them any questions about that um yes so in that case you can again ask them say what happened let them explain and you might get a really cool story out of it it might make you laugh and you forget all about a cup and it doesn't matter because it's like wow I was really imagining it but as long as you know that they're young and innocent mistakes happen and you have to be forgiving and compassionate you know if it was unintentional accidents happen but let them explain to you what happened and just kind of go with it I've had exchanges with my kids too but you know you kind of just let go after a while and you realize that their intention is maybe they are scared and they're like trying to you know get out of the punishment and even that there's innocence to that but to actually blame them to purposely deceive you is not fair sometimes they like to hide the truth because maybe it's not not being the punishment but the thing is she wants to please you so when she did something wrong and when you asked her can you do that she doesn't want to tell you so I feel that sometimes you have to then at that point say you can tell me the truth and I like to go with our kids my husband's here it's very clear it's very clear if you tell us the truth it's better for you like even if it's something that you're afraid of you think it's bad it's better for you we're likely to forgive more if you tell us the truth so you create that very safe environment for them because for her it's a choice of like you said pleasing you misleading you you have to say don't mislead don't let that be an option ever tell me the truth tell me what happened and it's okay if it's a matter of seeing your disappointed look and you scold her afterwards that's what she doesn't want like mama suddenly disappointed with me and now she thinks I should do this but we tend to do that it's natural you don't want to do that so you just say don't tell me that's what I love you more and then you hug them tell them I'm so proud of you for being honest this is a way to encourage them and inshallah if you plant these seeds young then by the time they're teenagers and they're in high school that is set it's imprinted in their mind that you're forgiving that you're willing that it's better to tell the truth and not tell the truth the only option is to tell the truth but that's going to be much more if you think for a high school or a teenager there's so many opportunities to see don't you want them to feel like lying is not an option I have to tell them I'm not the truth I have to tell my dad the truth that's what I would want so I want to create that from a very young age and that's why you can shout them out you don't again punish them you don't mention just focus on corrective in that moment let them just applaud them for being true let me give you an example of the concept of sin we should not introduce that to them things like the example you mentioned we don't even know she asked me why we don't even know because I'm not that serious what would happen to people who doesn't do that that's almost, that's fine Allah will be unhappy so making Allah happy and unhappy is fine I think the concept of sin is why it's so tied to morality when we tie to morality you're opening up a can of worms in a discussion that's going to get sort of confusing for example gender relations if you introduce an idea that's too early for children how do you justify why a woman can't wear like if you say it's hot what are you going to say Allah says sin they keep probing now it's like you have to explain but what's the point because you're introducing concepts that are too early for that that's what I'm saying when you say things frame it from that language it's going to make them want to know but if you focus on the positive it makes Allah so happy not because we do it because there's a sin attached to it you wear hijab because it makes Allah happy not because it's wrong to show my hair do you get the difference it's the way you present it in the first example you're presenting it as an act of duty devotion, love for Allah and that's it children are pretty simple they get it but when you say we don't do it it's wrong and it's a sin see that language now they're curious why and then you open the dialogue and it can get to a place where it's uncomfortable because you don't know where to go it's like I don't but not all things can be the same positively sometimes for example my daughter taught me how to love in school what should I do that's actually a really good example because a lot of songs even like movies popular movies they know all this love love love talk and children we understand that line very clearly as adults if a little girl is in love with someone that means something to us does it mean the same thing to the child no so don't react like it means the same thing who is he you call your husband and you bring that but if that's your reaction then clearly you're treating it like it means the same thing to you for her it might just be an innocent phrase that she heard so much in it just means I like that I just asked her so what do you mean she said I'm unhappy when he's unhappy I like to be with him but it's so how can I reply to that and then she's telling me okay my friend is telling me okay my friend they all love you so what that sweet rap you don't have to sit there and make it out to be something that's not because again we're introducing ideas that unfortunately in this society they're already doing it they're already forcing this down our children's throat all the way out the films and the songs so we can't contribute to that by freaking out I think that's why our reactions are really important and so when they say innocent things like that they don't want to fly how to just spin it back to something innocent and not let that get carried away with it so it's yeah it takes some creativity so that's where the innovation mark comes in alright so the next stage right is the middle childhood and this is from 7 to 14 what do they need pre-analysts need they need love, they need respect and they need reassurance this is very very cool yes sure yes yes yes yes yes so it was a I mean obviously at that point I'm happy to speak to her cause I knew her daughter she used to come to our helipads and so we did we actually had a conversation that she had was that she had actually a friend who was gay and the verses in the Quran that spoke about those things bothered her so we addressed that topic alhamdulillah it helped and then I put her in touch with other people that could help her further but I think it was helpful for her to hear that it wasn't just a black and white issue which is what she was presented like I have to choose or not choose it but rather no there is actually you know don't let's frame it in the correct way because yes even though it's something that we are very clear about in our tradition individual people we don't come down we can't do that and I think that really helped her heart because she was just worried about her friend but it got into her and it really affected her face so this is why again as parents we have to know as I mentioned earlier you know a wheelhouse and you don't know what to do in terms of a situation you have to know who to lean on you have to know who to call on who are the mentors if you don't have a person in your family or a circle that you can reach out to for guidance on certain things you should look for one especially in this community we have a little center right there that can help a lot of things just the angst you know through peer pressure all the stuff that we talked about but even you know younger kids if there is anything that comes up there are resources here and then you have teachers here too that can help but anybody that you know who has experience with children just and if they have their own children and you see them they have successfully raised their children those would be good people to just have in your speed dial if you are going to need to but we are going to get to that in a second so this particular the middle of childhood it's really important that you again know what do they need and you love respect for your children the best way to reach this age group is by storytelling this is a good time and even our tradition is to teach them start teaching them like fit concepts that really make sense because their imaginative brain they kind of see things for what they are they start to see things for what they are so this is a good age to start breaking things down and actually giving them answers going over, if they were memorizing for example suras at a younger age now everybody is trying to talk about the meanings because when they are younger they won't get a lot of concepts but when they start to think and reflect on the world around them and their own place in the world this is developmentally what is happening to them then they can reach that part and you can actually start breaking things down so storytelling is very good stories from the Quran and Seer that display things that they also appear to or appeal to like valor nobility, courage, honesty honor, bravery these things appeal to kids in this age so you want to look for stories from the sea that talk about that like winning because there are why think about their world it's like when they are young kids they are all playing together and then all of a sudden you get into this middle school age and it's definitely winners and losers that's how everybody starts to see things so that language it's affecting them they might be the underdog or they know kids that are being bullied or they know bullies so when you speak to them about things that they can relate to it actually gets their interest stories about victory and overcoming hardships those are really good ways to reach them and then like I said you know and explaining the wisdoms behind what we do what we do that's an important time to start doing that and then practical rules and tips, life skills to boost their confidence this is a very very vulnerable age and the more they can do that's unique and different the better for them to teach them things or expose them to things that kind of set them apart from their peer groups it boosts their confidence so this is again where you have to get a little bit more creative and innovation really matters in terms of your parenting and remember they are watching every single thing so you have to be authentic and then the last group is the adolescence and this is why I quote he tells us that this is the age where we have to be friendly and why because they need love, respect and empathy this is where adulthood they're about to embark on their own journeys and lives and they really need someone to hold their hand and help them through that so you can't, that authority of modeling of parenting is in my opinion very destructive of this age it's not healthy to be barking orders and shouting and slamming doors and just arbitrarily throwing rules out to your children you have to explain to them things you have to respect them you have to respect that they are adults from the Islamic perspective once your kid hits puberty they are adults they're accountable to all of us right there five times a day they have to fast, they're adults and that's why even historically children of those ages they got married they were actually treated like adults they're battles that were led by I think 11 or 12 year old so they were treated with a certain sense of respect and we don't do that anymore we really unfortunately treat children who are under 18 like they're deficient they don't know anything we know better than that and that's why you have so much resentment in a lot of households from teenagers towards their parents because there's no respect you don't respect their privacy their need for just being by themselves sometimes right even their physical needs they know how we've talked about being good leaders you know your own needs but you also know the needs of your children you have to respect for example like there's articles now that are popping out everywhere but like for example especially teenagers one of their primary basic physical needs is what I can't tell you how many times I've personally witnessed parents really getting upset at their children and calling their names because they want to sleep and they'll derive them in front of other people lazy always sleeping always sleeping in just talking down to them as if that you know is not important like they're totally useless because they want to sleep in and actually really just enjoy sleeping they need to sleep there's a lot of things going on and kind of I like in it like you know the infant stage infants sleep a lot because their brains are transforming right physical bodies are transforming so that sleep helps them for teenage brains it's the same they are going through major physical physiological changes and the brain needs sleep but if you disrespect your teenager and make them feel like they're lazy because they want to sleep how do you expect there to be any sense of you know like you respect me I want to connect with you that's why you know they'll just go to their room you won't talk to them they'll give you one word answers maybe you don't feel like you really see them for who they are they're just extensions of you they're not perfect or something wrong with them and then you get mad at them right that whole ideal that we create is so destructive and we have to stop them they are in a manner we are meant to do everything in our power to raise them to be decent human beings and inshallah excellent servants to Allah swt that's our obligation it's not so that they you know go to the best schools and that they're perfectly polished everywhere and they look amazing in every picture and whenever we take them around there are trophies that we just sell it you know carry around with us but that's the kind of attitude a lot of parents have so when you're you know child doesn't do what you want them to do and that you think they should do then it's just anger that comes out right but if you actually saw their individuality and learned about the personality and the differences you would see that they have different needs I remember I gave a similar talk a while ago at another event and this mom came up to me after and she was totally in tears she was like a mess and I said what happened she said you have to listen to your talk I realized like it's my fault that my her second son that she has like a really bad relationship with him she said I all I did was basically compare him to his older brother who is it more extroverted outgoing athletic you know kind of had sort of images did more and he wasn't like that he was shy and introverted he was not into sports he was more like a book sort of worm and she thought he was like there was something wrong with him so she basically you know just labeled him you know would fight with him often because he wasn't like his brother and so she realized like you know she just she didn't respect him and she didn't really see him for who he was it was like you're not like this other child that I consider perfect therefore something's wrong with you and this is why we have to get out of that mindset this age is so so important that we really pay attention to who they are so friendship mentorship it's really important if you can't be that friend for your children in this age because of whatever reason you're not available you have to make sure that they have decent or appropriate mentors for them do it be active there's masha Allah you know they have youth programs here there's Khalid SRVIC we have an abundance of programming but it's just a matter of are you a passive parent or an active parent does it matter to you or does it not so if it matters to you then you go out and look for people or you look for individuals and you say you know what I really like you would you be willing to be like you know mentor to my son my daughter you know that's what needs to happen and some parents honestly it's better that they outsource that and that's when again knowing when you're beyond you know it's your scope knowing that you can rely on other people that's part of you know effective leadership classes and experiences is a really good time to do things with your teenagers so brothers if you have sons that are you know teens look for programs that are designed for father son experiences this proves I'm really really effective okay because you're saying I see you and I care about you and I want to do things with you right yes yeah we do that with our kids but we have three boys on our ground and our middle boys it's really upset any time we take one of the other kids but when it's his turn he's okay with that but when I say upset like really really it goes up and we just stop right now oh that's not a lot just stop doing that and just do everything is it because in your absence there's something like that do the other kids kick on him no like he's even going by but that happens I don't know I'll get into this actually I was the one who forces everything on him he usually gets away with it which I think because my husband always lets it go and I think this is part of the reason why he behaves this way because he's gotten away with it for so long and I keep telling my husband we need to just get this behavior really huge right now we just decided to stop dealing with the mean ones what about doing one on one because I know two on one that sounds great but maybe it would be more effective if it's his attitude yeah because he works a lot so I make sure that he spends time with the kids so I hold him just so you can get to know them make each one a certain day of the week and just be with them usually Wednesdays or Fridays and my husband hangs out with him and has to deal with him by himself but for some odd reason we don't have a story so maybe this would actually be a good exercise for you to empower him and say we realize that it really bothers you so we decided to stop this but we want to work with you maybe we can talk about a setup that would help you what do you think can you give us advice to solve the problem for you and see maybe you might be creative and say well you know it would help me when you guys do do that and see if you can actually work this is where collaboration can really come through because you might say well okay I'll be okay with it if you give me this if it's worth it for you it's a negotiation but you know what that's okay it's his first thing to do when I tell him you already had your dream negotiation and teaching them how to negotiate fairly and honestly being is good for life skills it's good for him to learn that as long as you're happy with the conditions and he's happy and it's mutually respected how can you not but that's where you're teaching him I respect you your needs and the fact that this really bothers you is something that's important to me not going to be dismissive of you I'm not going to do that I'm actually going to honor that I know somatic response is a stress response it makes you sick with it there's something happening here but we still want to do this so that's a conversation that might work so that's where discussions and debates are also really healthy for this age group to have discussions what do you think about this just see what they say I respect what you want to say I'm actually interested in what you have to say I know it all if you're just a little kid you don't know anything which is unfortunately how a lot of parents are but they're teenagers you don't know anything our kids are very bright and they actually could teach us a lot if we listened and sometimes just listening sometimes they have literally blown my mind because they'll say something I would have never thought of it that way so we have to be willing to see them as they grow they always have perspectives that we can benefit from okay, so then what where are the greatest threats this is again, part of being an effective leadership we need to know what the threats are she thought in nuffs first and foremost we know this, I do one movie our own nuffs is our own enemy that's why purification of the heart is what matters to know the staff and teach it to your children bad company, get rid of bad company you don't need bad company if you inform and in a spiritual form that is a fact there are shafi amongst us so people who take your children and basically try to encourage them in the wrong path get them away from your children you have every right to police that media and pop culture you have to know what your kids are listening to if your kids have iPhones or access to music and you're not reading the lyrics that they're listening to that's very dangerous the lyrics are demonic in many of these songs literally demonic and they're just like all they're listening to are demon verses and you're just like, oh it's okay no, it's not wrong, see what they're doing pay attention internet and social media, I've talked about this but you have to be on your game about this there's websites like common sense media if your kids ever want to download an app or a movie or anything you can go and quickly do a search and see if it's safe see what other parents are saying see what other kids are saying vet things before you go okay, that's fine, whatever, I don't care is it free? okay you know, the shadow across the room that's what parents do, right? it's like so passive and then you know people need to know, like when I do the social media trainings there are vault apps that parents are clueless about thousands and thousands of vault apps so it's a vault app it's an app that is a fake it's basically like a calculator on your phone and then you click on the calculator and guess what, it's actually a portal to something far more nefarious and dangerous it gives you access to chats it gives you access to store pictures and videos kids know this stuff and what developers design them like, it's nothing they're just producing mass production how these visits appeals to kids they know how to hide things from their parents so there's people who are making a lot of money off of these apps that you need to know this so there's articles that talk about how to basically get ahead and know even what's going on not just on social media, but with trends that are happening in schools they have all these weird trends that they do like a marshmallow thing just weird pictures, things that they have to do what are the trends that are catching on in schools and are your kids participating or are their friends participating kids have died because of their fall into, again, pure accepted behavior and they think, oh, I'm going to be cool and hot for work if I do this, and next thing you know they're in the emergency room based on the flatline because they did something without proper judgment and that's where as a parent you have to think for them and be ahead of these things let me see your phone, make sure you have really good policies as far as social media is concerned in your home there are rooms that should be accessing things in the middle of the night, no, no, no and all, like computer access should be in common areas so if they want to do homework, fine the computer is right there in the middle of the kitchen area space living room everybody can walk by it there's no private screen time it's like, no, what is that so we have to have better rules when it comes to these states and then knowing what pressures are out there and what they're expected to conform to we talked about this, the identity politics is a big thing right now in this country and it's confusing a lot of teenagers they don't know who to identify with, how to identify with what gender am I, now it's like it's getting out of hand, so you need to know what's going on in society around you because when they go to public schools and they go to colleges and universities these are the conversations that are taking over our classrooms, not even about education anymore so social justice causes and things like that so if you don't know and you're checked out then good luck you're going to have issues so you're going to teach them how to protect themselves, model the behaviors you want them to follow, empower them with strong effective tools in their tool kids, build their confidence, encourage trust, communicating effectively identifying their strengths and weaknesses and something that I don't know if we'll have time today maybe for our next session is the four temperance I actually really wanted to introduce that to you guys today but it's a lot of information but just to kind of give you some hope it's really important to know what's going on between teens or youth that are religious and identify religiously and those that don't and this gives us some hope and trouble 54% of teens devoted to God say they are very happy while only 29% of disengaged say they're very happy, so they're basically clear difference right there giving your child being at an early age and positively introducing things to them and really just doing it the correct way inshallah they'll be happy to children, that's what we all want we want our kids to be happy