 Before you can figure out the number one sign, a man emotionally wants to invest in you, he emotionally wants you, you first have to determine, does the man have a short-term mating strategy or a long-term mating strategy because there's a big difference between the two. Men who have a long-term mating strategy are genuinely seeking a life partner. Somebody who can build a life with someone he could either live with or get married at some point, they actually have a longer strategy. Their strategy is for the long-term. However, these days, a significant percentage of men have a short-term mating strategy. Let's think of the word mating for a second. Mating is basically having sex. If we think about it, it's mate to make offspring. Now, for those of us in midlife, many of us don't want to have offspring. So that problem oftentimes is solved based on age and certainly birth control. But for those have a short-term mating strategy, this is the greatest challenge women face because to determine if he has a long-term mating strategy, you have to notice this one fundamental sign, which I'm going to talk about in a few moments. Now, before I do, though, I want to share with you a survey I did with our group just this morning. We had well over 11, 1200 people already respond, but I want to share with you this survey so you can get a sense of what I'm talking about with respects to a short-term mating strategy. So the survey asks the following question, ladies, what do you think men use dating apps for? What do you think men use dating apps for? And what was surprising is the first answer was meeting a life partner, which got 4% of the votes, only 4%. Next was simply hooking up. That got 55% of the votes. The next was testing the waters and casually dating. That garnered 20% of the votes. Next was they're lonely and they just want some cyber company. That represented 4%. And lastly, they're lonely and or wounded and they want temporary companionship. Temporary companionship. So, you know, it's interesting. I do occasionally follow those in the red pill community and the red pill community basically their assessment is, they basically claim that the real problem with relationships is the feminist movement add to that a selfish group of women seeking the cream of the crop type of man, the average woman seeming, seeking the cream of the top men and therefore going a lot of the lesser quality men. That's my interpretation of the red pill community. And this is a very loud community that blames women for our relationship problems here today. And I'm here to say, that's, well, okay. I wanna say, while there is some truth to that, some truth to that, the reality is is both men and women equally are too if we're gonna assess some sort of blame because there are a lot of emotionally wounded men out there especially for those men in midlife. And those know my claim that midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. So this significant percentage of men and women alike are wounded in the demographics that I speak to. So it has nothing to do with an entitled type of female personality. That's the problem with relationships. Maybe that's true for 20 year olds. I don't deal in the 20 year old population. Those that are in my demographics, those are the people that have gone through a divorce roughly 75% of singles here in the United States who are over 45 years of divorce. And by the way, did you know that the single, the population of America that's single is 125 million? Oh, I'm sorry, of people who are 18 years and older, 25, 125 million. In fact, I believe couples only represent, I mean, represent another 125 million give or take. So half of the adult population is single here in the United States. That's a very sad statistic to some degree. Now, not to suggest that marriage is the end all be all. And I know there's a lot of arguments against marriage in that it could be a servitude or a bond, you could be bonded to someone you don't want to be with. I get all that and I don't want to get into the particulars of that. But why I'm drawing attention to this, if the single population, if going back to the survey, if well over half of the men are only looking for hookups and another percent, over 25% of the men are deeply wounded, traumatized, incapable of relationship, that basically leaves roughly maybe 25% of the population actually seriously wants a relationship. This is why folks, I'm here. I scream at the top of my lungs so frequently that this dating is a process of vetting. You have to vet someone and so few of you actually know how to get to know another human being at a level that allows you to go deeper than the surface. This is why I recommend books like Are You the One for Me by Barbara DeAngelis. I highly recommend reading this book. And by the way, there's a link below to get to check out all the books I recommend. My recommended book reads is in the link in the description below. Also, let me also say that my job as a coach is to help you learn and develop the questions you should be asking based on your personality to determine is this person right for me? So if you need some help on that, schedule a free discovery call. It's the link below. It's the link right here to see if working with a coach is right for you because the reality is, is the mating dance is a dance of attraction. It's a dance of compatibility. It's a dance of emotional maturity and relationship skills. But most importantly, it's a dance of intentionality. Being intentional, those people that have a short-term mating strategy, the difference between them and the long-term mating strategy men and women is that they are intentional about the process. So before I share with you the number one sign he emotionally wants you, I wanna dive into a TV show I recently watched. It was on A&E back in 2014. I was watching it on Discovery Channel with my sweetheart and I the other night. It's called Love Prison. And I wanna set the stage for this because I see so many of you locked in this same problem that's happening today. What it is, is it's a group of couples who have been, they met through an online connection. They met through an online connection. They've been communicating for six months up to two years. They've been communicating, and basically they have been flirting and texting with each other every day. It's incessant communication for between six months to two years, okay? The premise of the show is they basically take these couples and say, hey, we're gonna give you an opportunity to meet one another, okay? And it's gonna be on an island off of Boston, Connecticut, something like that, somewhere in that general vicinity. It's a tiny island with a tiny old house. It's like, I mean, it's a very small piece of land. They are basically, they're trapped in this house for seven days. They're only allowed to go outside one hour a day for their, I guess, air time, if you will. And they're cooped up in this house. And this house isn't some lavish, you know, tropical island. This is an old rickety house. The mirror in the bathroom is about this big. The beds are bunk beds with the top bed, with a twin size bed and the bottom bunk with a full bed. And there's no television. There's no electronics. There is no music of any kind. They are basically stuck with each other for seven days. Now these are couples who have basically declared their love for each other. Oh my God, we're so amazing together. I can't wait to meet and build a life together. Only to find that when they're cooped up in this type of environment, at least in the four couples I've watched, three of them practically came to blows with one another. I mean, literally they were at a point of like, I don't ever wanna see you again. They spent years developing this cyber relationship. And I see so many of you doing the exact same thing. What's the other conclusion I came from this? What was fascinating was three of the, two of the three men of the four that I watched, two, one couple made it, okay? Three couples couldn't stand each other. Of the two of those three, two of the men were very intentional. They were asking very serious questions about a relationship. And the one that where the woman was doing that, the guy was kind of a jackass. Okay, why am I bringing this up? Is they were literally, they spent six months to two years not digging deep in asking the more important questions when it comes to a relationship with someone. They were so passive, so naive, so much on the surface. At the minute they met, it imploded. Now, the problem is, as I said earlier, we have a significant percentage of the population that is deeply, deeply wounded. We are, many couples are suffering from childhood wounds and traumas. Not when I say couples, I'm talking about individuals, they are suffering from childhood wounds or adult traumas that make them very damaged to actually, when I say the word damaged, I don't want to make it out to be Machiavellian in any way, I'm just saying they're wounded and their capacity to actually be in a significant relationship makes it very difficult for them. And this is true for women as well as men. Ladies, I wrote a book and I'm encouraging, this is not a dating book, the book is called What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway. It's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. There's a link below to get a copy of my book. Why I'm encouraging this is many of you find yourself in relationships with men who are basically unintentionally using you. Now, certainly there are plenty of the narcissists out there and the other types of men who are genuinely using you, probably about 20% of the population, of the single population. Sadly, about 60% of the single population out there are unintentionally using you. These are men who want occasional companionship, occasional connection, occasional sex, but they don't have a capacity to go deeper into a relationship. This is why I repeat over and over the importance of vetting. It's a screening process, it's a filtering process. Dating is a vetting process. And a relationship is literally what I'm about to share next because this is going to be the sign that tells you that he genuinely wants a relationship with you, that he wants to invest in you, that he emotionally wants you. And the number one sign, a man definitely wants to emotionally invest in you, that he emotionally wants you, is that he wants, and drum roll please, he wants to integrate you into his life. He wants to integrate you into his life. Integration looks like this, doing social activities together, doing hobbies together, mutual interests together, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in your personal and your professional life. You've noticed my sweetheart Marie, there's a picture of her right there. She's come on and she videos with me. That's an example of teamwork. We're, now mind you, we live together, that's another example of integrating you into his life. When a man want is intentional and he has a long-term mating strategy, he wants to integrate you into his life. So I remember as I said earlier, dating is a vetting process. I know many of you like the idea of being romance and be swept off your feet and you just sit in your feminine energy and a man will leave because that's the way you've been taught. You know, romance in the early stages is the reason why many of you find yourself being used. I believe romance should be reserved for those couples who are in a relationship. Versus as a precursor to get into a relationship. And I know that doesn't sound very endearing in any way, but the reality is is today, we don't know when the person is love bombing you, when they're overly excited, when they're all excessive, you don't know if it's legitimate or not. Okay, there's an old saying. Men are the gas and women are the brakes. How do you curtail, how do you put the odds in your favor? First, it's what I talk about frequently. You start with radical honesty. Radical honesty means, look, in the very beginning, you ask those deeper questions to determine if you're on the same page with one another. These couples on this love prison show, they didn't ask any serious questions of one another. Now, mind you, this was a younger demographics, mostly 27, 30 year olds, there was a 39 year old, I think a 37 year old, okay? Certainly by the time you hit 30s, you should be asking deeper questions. And for those of us in midlife, and remember I said before, roughly 75% of singles over 45 years are divorced. I'm not sure if I said that actually, but I just want to clarify that. That's anecdotal by the way. Do you know divorce is an unraveling of the tapestry of one's old life and with it can come significant trauma? And many people after going through divorce, particularly men are absolutely gun shy. And so remember I said earlier, there are the wounded men that want temporary companionship. These are men that don't have a long-term mating strategy. They don't have a plan. And it is your job. Listen, you can do whatever you want. You want to sleep with someone on a first date, go ahead and do that. If you want to have a short-lived fling, go ahead and do that. That's okay, you can do whatever you want. But if you have a long-term mating strategy, like the clients who work with me, and I got to tell you, I just got a text message this morning from a client. She worked with me back in January. It's already May. And she's got a full-fledged boyfriend right now. I'm so, and by the way, she knows the difference because she vetted him. She doesn't have to second guess. So I'm here to say, if you want to make some significant changes in your life, check out the books I recommend. Check out my coaching if you need some support. But most importantly, this number one sign of he integrates you into his life tells you that this relationship has some possibilities. Now, does it mean it's going to go the long run? Not necessarily. Sometimes people integrate each other into their lives and it turns out to be a slow version of the love prison. Little by little by little, they start to deteriorate because the reality is, is most couples don't know the number one component for a healthy, happy relationship and that's conflict resolution skills. See, very few people like myself were ever taught this when I was younger. I invite you to read books like Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson or Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. All the links are below. These two books in particular talk significantly about the importance of conflict resolution. In fact, there's another book I want to recommend. This is about this guy, Doctor, excuse me, Pastor Calvin. He's on the show, married at first sight, but he wrote a book, Marriage Ain't for Punks. And I love his approach because he continually talks about conflict resolution as being one of the fundamental keys to a healthy, happy relationship. So you've got a guy who's integrated you in his life. If you want your relationship to flourish. And just like the video Marie and I did yesterday when we shared, we had a little bit of a glitch between the two of us. She got annoyed with me over something. She took ownership of her being annoyed and I took ownership to the extent that her perception was very valid. Now at the time I didn't really recognize it but I certainly took ownership of it once we got a chance to talk about it. But she chose a very loving way to approach the conflict. And again, when you can reach that point of integrating into each other's lives, it's so critically important that you learn and you both practice healthy conflict resolution. So your relationship doesn't implode at a later date just like these relationships did with these cyber relationships like on love prison that imploded literally within one week of meeting each other. And I wanna encourage everyone to ask deeper questions if you find yourself in a cyber relationship as well. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Okay, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Post a comment below. If you're watching the replay, please hit that thumbs up button. Please hit that subscribe channel. Please share this video with your friends. And again, check out all the links to what I recommend as far as books and things like that. All right, for those who know my format, this is our time for Q&A. If you have a question, write the word question, then post the question there after. Or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. There's a little dollar signed in the chat box. All of the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chats goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there in the obey shirt. It's my son who passed away almost five years ago. And in his honor, I donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and a new charity that was introduced to me by Marie's cousin who is helping underprivileged children who got abandoned by their parents who have in Columbia that have a terminal disease. I believe it's called the seeds of love. Now it just escapes me. But I'm really excited about donating to helping little children who have been abandoned by their parents. And in a lot of third world countries, this is a very frequent occurrence. And for those of you who have been blessed with abundance, I invite you all to support causes, whether it's through this venue or any other venue. All right, it's time to take questions. But first I wanna give props to our new member, Krista Rollin. You just became a YouTube member. By the way, folks, if you wanna join the YouTube channel, you can just simply click the link below to join access to this channel. You get certain perks like badges and things like that as well, okay? All right, let's check out the comments. Wait one second. All right, question from Leslie. What about wounded men who are intentional and integrate but eventually freak out about commitment or find something to make them run? But then circle back later, how to vet for that? Okay, that's a great question. Okay, one of the things I do in my private coaching is give you kind of the cliff note version of how to vet someone. Now, first and foremost, you have to do what I call laying your cards on the table. This requires detective skills by sharing your past experiences with them, finding about their past experiences, including their childhood. And you have to learn detective skills to be able to weed out those people who are deeply wounded. A lot of information based on someone's childhood or their past relationships will give you clues. You know, it's interesting. I've spoken to women who have reached out to me after a breakup and they've been in a relationship with someone for six months, a year, two years, five years. And what's fascinating to me, I'd say 90% of the time they've always said to me, I knew something was off in the very beginning, but I went against my better judgment. See, here's the thing. If you're gonna screen and debt, then you have to be willing to cut someone loose if you believe that they're not capable of emotional maturity or you delay giving your heart to someone until you've thoroughly vetted them, folks. And there's no guarantee, I get it. There's no guarantee. But by the way, the reason why women get used by these men who are only hooking up is because they acquiesce to some, you know, minor romantic gestures without doing any vetting. You can literally eliminate 80% of your frustration with dating by doing a better job vetting early on. So some of the key questions relate to his upbringing and most importantly, his past relationships. Does that help? I hope that does. All right, let's keep going. All right, Wanda writes, question. Why do you have chemistry with the wrong guys but not the good ones? How can I change this? That's a great question. Okay, there's a couple of schools of thought on this. First and foremost, we oftentimes attract, at least this is my philosophy. Let me just put it that way. We oftentimes are attracted to partners that are similar to one or both of our parents in the way that they emotionally damaged us. Now, I don't believe parents intentionally emotionally damage us, but by default, for example, if you had a father who cheated on their mother and you were a young child, that would have an effect on you. If your father abandoned you and your mother, that would have an effect on you. If you had an emotionally unavailable father, he was there present, but he wasn't very loving. That could deeply affect you, okay? I'm using some examples. Now there's the psychological, but there's also the chemical reaction we have to certain people as well. So let's put that chemical in a box and go back to psychological. I invite you to read the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harbell Hendricks Helen Hunt. Why I recommend this book, it will talk to you about something called the amago, the amago, I-M-A-G-O. Can someone put that down there and put Harbell Hendricks and Helen Hunt? Okay, why it's critically important to understand this is that when we choose people like our parents, it's oftentimes our soul or our spirit, in my opinion, seeking to heal our relationship with our parents by actually stepping into our power, our sovereignty, our self-worth, our self-esteem, self-love. The reason why there are repetitive examples of people who choose the wrong partner is because they're trying to heal from a childhood wound or trauma. When I say trying, their subconscious is trying to heal that. That's my impression anyway. That's what I've observed frequently. Now there could be some biological reasons as I shared earlier, but for the most part, I believe when we've healed our childhood wounds and traumas, we no longer choose the wrong person. Yeah, it's interesting. Marie and I, we've talked about this a number of times. We talked about timing. We thought about why is it that we met and it worked for us so easily? Well, it's because we did so much work prior and we also reached a point where we were no longer trying to find perfect. We just wanted perfect for us. So we healed a lot of our childhood wounds and traumas. We settled down. We didn't settle, but we settled down from perfection. And by coming to terms with that settling down and healing our past, we just gravitated to each other very easily. So that's just my two cents on that, Wanda. I hope that helped. All right, let's keep going here. And Dawn said, me too, Wanda, great question. Nancy wants to follow up and say, trust your gut. Trust your gut, okay? All right, let's keep going here. Wanda also says this is totally is messed up and sex isn't even on the table. But when you have, that gets it on the chemistry. But you have to have what, but you have to have that. Let's get it on the chemistry. Okay, got it. Rebecca says he has a group called for $7 a month. You don't have to do this in his private coaching. Exactly, if you want some support, check out my group for, it's called Midlife Love Mastery. This gives you direct access to me on a regular basis. And I shoot videos for those in the group to answer questions from members. Okay, Zengal writes, question. My guy 76 has his daughter involved in his financial affairs. Is this a red flag? I don't take the idea of marriage with his daughter involved in our finances. Well, I'm gonna assume that his daughter is in his 40s. So you're not dealing with a 20 or 30 year old, you're dealing with a grown adult, okay? Now my father who's 97, I'm in charge of his finances, okay? And at some point when my parents were probably in their late 70s, and you mentioned the guy is 76, I became the executor of their trust. And I did handle some of my parents affairs. I would say at age, you know, rough, by the way, given that the average lifespan is 79 years old. I want you to think about this. The average lifespan is 79 years old. 76 is only three years away. Listen, my son, like, and by the way, in these days for the older demographic, they don't know how to navigate. We need these devices to navigate so much of our lives, including our banking and such. So with respects to his daughter, well, remember I shared earlier the integration of lives with one another? Well, that's a big part of it. So I would, and by the way, the second leading cause for divorce is money. In fact, it's chapter four in the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Will she be involved? Most likely, but then he has his, all right, what's his is his, right? So he's certainly entitled to have his daughter manage what's his, and you have what's yours. So at this age, you know, at 76, I suspect that you probably don't have, you're not gonna be commingling your assets together. I think it's very fair that his daughter handled that. Now, if someone has a difference of opinion, please post a comment. I'd like to hear that, but that's just my perception on that quickly on that. All right, let's keep going here. Oh, Elena wanted to write down, remember earlier I said Amago by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. Thank you so much for sharing that. Okay, let's keep going here. Oh, I want to give Roller Girl a big shout out. Thanks so much for the $1.99 Super Sticker for the Connor Asley Fund. I really appreciate that. Oh, let's keep going here. Oh, if we have a question, Rebecca says hashtag ask good questions. I need questions if we're gonna have a dialogue. All right, here we go. Oh, thanks Karina for the $6 Super Sticker question. What are some warning signs a guy just wants sex or casual playing and not a serious relationship? Okay, great question. Okay, first probably the easiest warning sign is he pushes for sex on the first date. Second, he might love bomb you. Love bombing is excessive, excessive exaggeration about affection towards you and keep in mind most likely when you're meeting total strangers, when it's excessive, that usually has an ulterior motive. They either wanna use you in some way or they want sex from you. Okay, couple other things. They deflect the idea of a serious relationship. Anyone who says I'm not looking for a serious relationship that's code for I don't want a serious relationship, okay? The scary part are the men who say they want a relationship, okay? And why is that scary? You would think that would be great. Jonathan, I'd like to have men say they want a relationship. All right, that is the most dangerous and tricky thing men can say these days is I want a relationship. Why is that dangerous and tricky? Because you don't know if they're a user but the users actually the guys that are in it for sex you can smell that a mile away, okay? Usually, okay? The guys who are what I call the spenders these are the men that want occasional companionship, occasional connection, occasional sex. These are the men that will use you, okay? When I mean by use you is they're really not emotionally healthy enough to be in a significant relationship. And they say the exact same thing a grower and builder is a man who genuinely has a long-term mating strategy. The difference between the two. When a spender says I want a relationship he doesn't back it up. When a grower and builder does he backs it up because when you ask them what does a relationship look like what does commitment look like for you? And you start probing deeper with the spenders they fold, they collapse, they say I like to take things slow. By the way, taking it slow means I want to use you and then I'll decide it's like, okay you know what a guy when a guy says I want to take it slow and this isn't always the case because you're believing that he wants to build friendship with you. But let me just tell you what taking it slow means. It's like you go shoe shopping. In fact, let's say you went shoe shopping at Nordstrom's and you happen to know that Nordstrom's has a return policy. You can return anything for up to a year. You could have worn these shoes. You could have worn holes in the shoes and they still will take them back. See, that's what taking it slow is. You're not buying the shoes and fully well, you're actually buying the shoes but you know you can return it at any time. That's what taking it slow means. I can get all the benefits of all your love and then I can decide it doesn't work for me. Okay, coming back to relationship the most dangerous thing men say I need to do a specific video on this. Actually, I did the other day. Shoot, I can't remember the title of that video. I'll look it up real quick. But what I want to say is when a man says I'm not looking for anything serious, that's a user when a man is a love bombing you when he's basically initiating sex that's a guy who's going to use you. It's the guys who say they want a relationship. Those are the ones you have to vet. You have to be a detective to determine is he a grower or a builder or that wounded guy that has terrible relationship skills that has weak emotional maturity. Is that sinking in? I hope it does. Again, thank you so much for that question, Cory and I really appreciate it. I hope that helped. Leif just has a personal question. How's your dad doing? My dad will turn 98 this July. He broke his hip the other day. And it turns out he had surgery and he was walking two days later. It was a minor break, a fracture, but still he had surgery and he was walking two days later. They say he's got the heart and temperament of a ox, I guess. So thanks for asking that question. Question, we're not committed, more just friends. He keeps reconnecting with his toxic ex. The toxicity rolls over by him, disrespectful to me by jumping when she barks. Should I give up or walk away? Well, how much time have you invested in this person? If you've invested more than three months and you're noticing a problem, this isn't gonna change, okay? Notice the problem. It isn't gonna change. It's been over three months or longer. You've at least physically been in each other's presence 10 times, okay? Now, I'm stipulating this because Barbara, there's a good chance I'm gonna take a guess. You're in a cyber relationship with them. I'm just taking a guess here. Now I take this guess because I find so many women say they're friends with someone, not committed. All they have is a texting relationship with this person. And then what he does is he uses you for your female energy, for your feminine energy so he can vet, complain, and dump all his problems on you because you probably are his therapist, the fact that you say you're just friends. Ladies, have any of you experienced this before? Men who basically dump on you and they're used, believe it or not, you think you're feeling intimacy with them when you're actually just his therapist. I see this over and over again. This is why, that's why I'm so great. I'm so blessed to have clients that change their patterning. They operate in a different way when it comes to relationships. And they are seeking, they're experiencing much deeper connection. One of our loyal followers, Wijin on here, has just gotten married. And she says it was because of all that, the content I share with you, which I really am what I'm trying to impress upon you, is the importance to stand in your sovereignty, your self-worth, your self-esteem, your self-love and don't accept bad behavior. And what it sounds like to me is in this particular case, you're his friend because he can vent with you. And my guess is it's through texting and or telephone calls and it's not a significant relationship. Anyways, Barbara, that's just my perception on that one. Zengal wants to add, I'm in regard marriage. Why get married? I'm 64, he's 76. Well, you were asking about his financials, so you don't have to get married. So why does it matter that his daughter takes care of his finances? Okay. Oh. Leaf wants to tell Barbara, run, run, run. He is disrespectfully testing you to see what you'll put up with and how desperate you are. The longer you stay, the worse the inevitable ending will be. Leaf is dead on. All right, Nancy posted. First time ever on a dating app. Preferred not to post photo publicly, but will send privately upon request. Question, why is my sending a smile solicited rude remarks? Well, my only, well, certainly it depends on who you're sending it to. I'm assuming it's only happened a few times. If you told me it happened a hundred times, in other words, you sent your photograph to a hundred different men and they all of them had rude remarks, then there might be a problem with the photograph. I'm gonna say that could be the problem. If you sent it to 20 men and two men had rude remarks, okay, that's a small sampling of just some fucked up guys. I don't know your sampling, so I'm just gonna say it's probably the exception and not the rule. But I'm not a big fan of people who don't have their photographs posted because, well, let me think about this for a second. I don't like, okay, let me just tell you something. I never really liked communicating with the women who didn't have photographs. Why? Because when they sent their photographs and I wasn't feeling a connection with their photograph, I didn't like letting them down. I hated that. So I just didn't engage with people who didn't have a photograph, Nanny. So that's just my thoughts on that one, okay? All right, Dawn writes, what about May, December romances? Possible, not good. All right, so May, December, for those who don't know, it's older women, younger men. Okay, it depends on the age difference. Marie's a year older than me. So not that it's a true May, December, but I guess it's December, November. Here's the problem. If a man is in his 20s and 30s and the woman is in her 40s, a lot of men that are in their 20s and 30s are attracted to women in their 40s because women in their 40s are less likely to get pregnant, number one. Number two, they're mostly more emotionally mature than women their own age. And number three, they have a built-in exit clause. When they've used this person up, I'm not saying all the time, but this can happen. When they've gotten their fill with this person, they have, and then it doesn't go, and it's no longer beneficial to him for whatever reason, he has a built-in exit clause. I've decided I wanted to have children. And now he probably says he doesn't want to have children. You might already have children, okay? And he goes, oh, I just don't want to have children. And then when he wants to break up with you, it's because all of a sudden, magically, he's decided to want to have children. So that's the risk you take with someone who's older, excuse me, who's younger than you. But why do men choose it? Is because, A, lots of great sex and usually you don't have to worry about pregnancy and B, they're more emotionally mature than women their own age. All right, thanks so much. Oh, Karina wants to say thank you for answering my question. I really appreciate that. All right, Susan says, thank you, Jonathan. I was just pondering this exact same thing yesterday. Well, thank you so much. I appreciate that. Descent, dissonant, let's see. I'm more interested in finding someone who's compatible and healthy with boundaries than chasing a relationship with whoever has the misfortune of stumbling on my path. Well, thank you for sharing that. We appreciate it. All right, if you have a question, write the word question and post the question thereafter. Okay, Don writes the question. What do you, oh, we already said that. Okay, I already answered that. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, let's keep going. By the way, if you're finding value in my content, please hit that thumbs up. Please hit that like button. Please share this video with your friends. Dana says, I'm currently going through this with my newly divorced boss. He is talking about politics and I hate talking about politics. He doesn't ask me anything about my thoughts and seems teaching me politics. Okay, newly divorced boss. You know, when you're in a work environment where somebody is superior to you, I don't know if you have a human resources department, but if it's becoming like, you have to be careful because when someone goes through a divorce, a lot of men seek out female energy because women have a greater capacity for compassion, understanding and listening. So men seek out female energy and a lot of women are attracted to the male energy. They're attracted to that man who's confiding in them. But I just want you to know that's not intimacy. In fact, it's a form of artificial intimacy. So, but if it's such that it's becoming toxic towards you, I would talk to your human resources department, your controller, whomever is an authority above your boss. And this is a really tricky thing because if you're in a small company, you might just want to practice neutrality or disengaging. Look up the word neutrality, but neutrality in the human development realm is being neutral when someone's communicating to you. And I wouldn't overly engage with the person. I would hyper focus on your work and then I would do my best to depart from engaging in conversation with them. Find reasons to disengage. That's just my two cents on that. I'm not a human resource expert, but that's just my thought on that with someone you work with, okay? All right, Patricia writes, question. What do you think about dating someone who has never been married and isn't very mature in relationships? Okay, so I'm gonna tell you a little story. This is one of my dear friends who we hung out together in our 20s and 20s, but most of my group of friends, we met women, we followed the program. We met, we went to college, got a job, met a girl, got married, bought a house, started a family, okay? But our friend Craig didn't. And at 45 years old, he was still single, never been married, okay? Now I went, he threw a party at his house and I invited some women I met on a dating site to say, there was some women I'd been communicating with, hey, meet me at a party, bring your friends. And so I'm mentioning that when the women got there, there were three women. And I'm mentioning my friend, Craig has never been married and what came out of the women's mouths floored me after that. They said, I would rather date a man who's been married and divorced who cheated on his wife than be with a man who's never been married. And I thought, what? So by the way, my friend Craig met someone, got married a couple of years after this party and he now has two children and we're the same age, okay? Okay, my thoughts on people have been never gotten married, okay? There could be a valid reason. Maybe they had a traumatic childhood. Maybe they had been hurt deeply in their past relationships. Does that mean they're not capable of getting married? Not necessarily, does that make them bad people? No, it doesn't make them bad people. But I will say this, anyone who's been divorced doesn't have a good track record either. Anybody who's been divorced or has had more, had several relationships didn't work out. They don't have any better track record either. So just because they, and by the way, think about this, men who have gotten married once before are less likely to get married after a divorce. Their desire to get remarried drops by 50%. So coming back to your original question, it's not a guarantee of relationship success. So now, if they're very immature in relationships, well, and isn't very mature in relationships, that's because they haven't been taught how to be in relationship, and that's a frequent occurrence. I recognize that, okay? So with that said, that's just my two cents on that one. Okay, great question. Thank you so much. Zengal goes on to say, question in general, why get married as older adults? This is the tricky one, because I'm in a relationship with someone I care for deeply. We've talked about the idea of getting married. We're not in a rush to do that. But there are some financial benefits, not necessarily the tax benefits of it, but there's certainly not financial, but there's certainly benefits from the perspective of being there, each other's, what's the word I'm looking for when you're in the hospital, they have the authority over you. I can't think of that term, but nonetheless, but at the same time, a lot of second and third marriages fail at a greater rate. The real question is, are you building a partnership with one another? So to me, and I mentioned this before about integrating into each other's lives, that to me is the most important thing, whether it's moving in together, living together apart or getting married, I wouldn't focus on the why. What I would focus mostly on, what are you two trying to create? What are you trying to create in a relationship? One of my favorite books, which isn't necessarily a relationship book, but it's a business book. Where is it? It's called the partnership charter, how to start outright with a new business partnership. Okay, why I'm bringing up this book is, it's a business book, but it's all about how to create a great partnership with a business associate. And one of the things that's most important is the concept of mutual exchange. So we used to think of this as roles, gender roles in relationship. A man brings in the money and the woman takes care of the home. But for those of us in midlife, that's not necessarily the same vantage point you're entering into a relationship. So I like to think of it like a business partnership. And it's assessing your strengths. This is what Marie and I have done. We assess each, we basically assessed our strengths. I happen to be strong in some areas of our relationship and she happens to be stronger in other areas. She's an experienced traveler. So she takes care of all the travel plans. She handles all the inconveniences of it and everything. I happen to be a little bit more of the driver of the bus from the emotional side of the relationship. I initiate our monthly, what I call camps, which is our group therapy meets pajama party meets cocktail party. When I say group therapy, I meant to say therapy. Well, we do it with a group as well once every three months or four months. We do a version of group therapy meets pajama party meets cocktail party. And then Marie and I do this every month and it's designed to assess our relationship and unpack what might be ways to improve our relationship. And we talk about the deeper things that are on our mind in this relationship. We do this every month. We do it every morning when we have coffee. Every morning when we have coffee, we unpack things within our lives. We spend, and I'm the one who initiates this. That happens to be my strength because this is what I do for a living and she happens to have other strengths. So anyways, that's just my two cents on that one. I hope that helps. By the way, I've got scratchy nose. Okay, question, should trust be my default setting until they give me something to think otherwise or should I be weary until they've earned my trust? Oh, I love, love, love this question. Okay, first off, what is trust? You have to really determine what is trust. Well, trust is, you know, to some degree about fidelity. Okay, do I trust that this person is being honest with me? Do I trust this person is not, you know, using me? Do I trust this person isn't sleeping with other women? There's the fidelity piece. But I think trust is more about, does this person have my best interest at heart? Does this person care about my feelings as much as I care about my own feelings? Well, that's not something that you can happen on a first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, 10th date. It takes about a hundred hours of face to face time just to build the first layer of trust. Okay, the first layer of trust. So trust is built. What I do suggest though, is don't operate from a place of distrust. Okay, if you're operating right from the very first date from a place of distrust, you're setting yourself up for failure. So to me, I believe it's kind of like everyone's innocent until proven guilty. At the same time, trust is built over time. Now, one of the things I talk about in my private coaching is really the fundamental areas that need to be addressed to build trust in the relationship. See, many of you are operating on some fantasy software that if we just love each other, all the magic fairy dust will make our relationship work out. You also are driven on the fantasy that chemistry equals relationship success because so few of you actually do the necessary asking questions to determine, do we share the same values? Are our lifestyles blendable? And more importantly, is this person emotionally mature enough to be in a healthy, happy relationship? How is trust built? Well, it's interesting. The number one sign he emotionally wants you in his life is he wants to integrate you into his life. When a man wants to integrate you into his life, that means he trusts you. He trusts you. He feels safe with you. So what does it feel like to be in a relationship of trust? It feels calm. It feels calm. That's when you know you can trust someone. You're not feeling agitated. You're not feeling anxiety. You feel a level of calm. Kelly, I hope that answered your question and please let me know if it did, okay? Thank you, that was a great question. All right, let's keep going here. Oh, leaf goes on to add, trust should be earned. I wish my parents and teachers that taught me this give little bits of the time, see how it goes over a long period of time. Again, in my opinion, trust is built, okay? But don't operate from a place of distrust, okay? Question from Debbie. I'm in a relationship with a younger man. He says he doesn't want a relationship but I don't understand him. But I feel like I need someone more permanent in my life and I'm only imagining his intent, love real. Not really understanding your question, Debbie, but hey, he's a younger guy. He says he doesn't want a relationship. So the question is, what do you want, okay? You said you feel like you want someone permanent. Well, wouldn't it make sense to choose someone who wants the same things you want? Has nothing to do with his age. I mean, it could. But my invitation for you is to choose someone who wants the same thing with you. And I'm being a little rhetorical only because folks, sometimes I scream at my top of my lungs because, okay, I want to share something that happened this past week. And I was with Marie and her primas and anyone who speaks Spanish knows what primas mean. Now, what's interesting when these ladies get together, they are like screaming at each other when they communicate. And they, by the way, they talk over each other all the time. That's called passion. But what's interesting is Marie was telling me the story about one of her primas who was encouraging her to end a relationship with the one significant relationship she had before me. And she would tell me that her cousin would scream at her to end this relationship. Now, I recognize that screaming isn't necessarily the best tool and folks, I yell frequently in my videos. But I yell because I'm passionate about the wakeup call to shake you all up to start making better choices for yourself. So when you see me go on a rant, when you hear me scream, it's because I'm passionate about it just like these primas communicating with one another. So I just wanted to share that. All right, wow. All right, Zengal, I'm just gonna wrap up, I think, with this one. I'm having a wonderful time with my long distance guy. He drives five hours each Thursday to see me. We will be traveling and then going about to a 17-day music festival. Well, that's awesome. All right. Um, Debbie Stage, let me see. Let's see, someone named Debbie Stage. Oh, we already answered that question. All right, folks, you know what? I wanna come back to the number one sign he emotionally wants you. Folks, when a man wants to integrate you in his life, that's a great sign. He wants something serious with you. Now, does that mean he's capable of something deeper? No, things can trigger us. People who haven't done the inner work oftentimes can be easily triggered and want to end a relationship. That happens. But it's less likely to happen when someone integrates you in his life and that's a great sign. He wants to progress something forward versus having a short-term fling with you. Like many who seem many, many, many men have a short-term mating strategy and I'm here to help those who have a long-term mating strategy. And if you get, again, if you need some support with that, check out the links to a free discovery call, check out my group, check out my Instagram. You can check out all my other free goodies in the description. All right, I hope you found value in this video. If you did, please write a comment below. Please purchase a super thanks or a super sticker when you come back to some of my other live streams. I hope you did find value. I'm grateful to be able to share this with everyone and I wanna thank everyone that's been on. But first off, I'm gonna end this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jotham Barrow of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or a pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Leif, who's one of our members. I wanna thank Zengal and Elena and Kelly and Rebecca and Jennifer and Debbie and Patricia and Dawn and Dana, Dissonant. I think Kelly, I think I've said everyone. Thanks so much. Have a great evening. Be well, bye now.