 From Hollywood the CBS radio workshop. This is Samuel Clemens speaking Word comes to our colony of late residents of the United States that the art form known as the motion picture Makes a pretty good thing of bringing the great American West to the attention of current inhabitants Who are fortunate enough to live somewhere else? As I understand it the movie makers have found three basic ingredients necessary to their presentation of life in the West ingredient one scenery Ingredient to a good man in a white Stetson and a bad one with ten gallons of black felt on his head Ingredient three a rousing chase over ingredient one and involving ingredient two Of course, they add a few refinements now and then such as the love of mankind for horse kind Don't know what I'd do without you Broomtail partner or maybe a battle against the elements Sometimes even a female Come back when you can ranger and thanks now word has reached me that in addition to symphony orchestras Trick horses and guitar players. They also hire writers just to think up these adult Westerns This seems a little silly to me since I wrote a book some 90 years ago Which contains all the literary appurtenances necessary to make a Western as adult as it should be These writing fellows can find it in any library Its title is roughing it and its author is yours truly Samuel Clemens CBS radio presents the CBS radio workshop dedicated to man's imagination the theater of the mind Tonight by tape the workshop offers to writers of Western films a do-it-yourself kit Through the courtesy of one of America's greatest humorists Samuel Clemens Mind you, I don't consider myself an authority. It's just that I was there back in 1863 I Happened my brother Bob was appointed secretary of the territory of Nevada and I was pretty cut up about it Pretty soon. He would be hundreds of miles away on the great plains and deserts and mountains of the far west He would see buffaloes and Indians and prairie dogs and antelopes Maybe he would get hanged or scalped and write home and tell us all about it and be a hero So when he offered me the sublime position of private secretary under him It seemed the heavens and earth passed away and the firmament was rolled together as a scroll. I accepted We left the states at st. Joseph, Missouri and headed west across the plains by fast stagecoach Yep, maybe a bit crowded if that pile of male sacks topples loose will be crowded right through the back of the coach The heft of it is for the engines mail for the Indians To read It was a superb summer morning and all the landscape was brilliant with sunshine So I didn't give much thought to Indians literate or illiterate We felt there was only one complete and satisfying happiness in the world and we had found it We felt a lot different 12 hours later as we slashed through a prairie rainstorm What happened Just what I was going to say thorough brace is that part of a horse what doubtless a vital part of a leg Maybe how could a horse break a leg on a road this smooth? He may have been reaching around to bite the driver You know this rain Little dizzle is all won't melt you here. I'll hold the lantern so as you can see the trouble Yeah, is the animal in pain see that dog on step connected to the other belt and spring can happen right there Under the rear of the coach. Oh, oh Say I never saw a thorough brace used up like that before that I can remember how did it happen? Yeah, it happened trying to make one coach carry three days male That's how yeah, but it's lucky To protect us on the engines our soul right right here in his very spot is where I supposed to leave that whole ton of Newspapers for him in its own nation dark. I might have drove right by if the thorough brace hadn't broke Now if I can ask you dense to help me cross out the sacks I'll get on with mending it. Oh when will the Indians pick up their mail in the morning? Maybe or an extended along this way all I know is that with all this fascinating reading matter They won't be bothering us They didn't and we enjoyed considerably more leg room in the state 56 hours later we crossed the Platte River and rattled into Fort County in the territory of Nebraska 300 miles out of St. Joe 300 miles in 56 hours But they went and spoiled it They pushed the railroad out onto that beautiful prairie and only 12 years later They made the same 300 miles in less than 16 And now I'm given to understand that this record has recently fallen to the new fangled flying machine So it's no wonder that the fellas who make these western movies never get a chance to find out what the West is really like You got a rock along a rutted trail at 12 miles an hour like we did to understand the country Soon we acquired certain blisters When they became calluses the seats became less hard The driver of the stagecoach was perhaps the very first of a hardy breed George Bemis was his name only nowadays you meet him as Gabby or chill or fuzzy or maybe the old timer But if any of those Johnny come lately you think they can hold a candle to George Bemis They'd better start burning it at both ends Yes cause late getting back from the buffalo hunt Well, here's that stupid horses for He saw that buffalo wheel on him. He raised straight up in the air and stood on his heels. He threw you Takes more horse than him to sell George Bemis Well, then a buffalo made another pass And I may wish to die if the horse didn't stand on his head for a quarter of a minute and shed tears But you stayed on through the flood. I stayed on Pretty soon the buffalo made a snatch for us and brought away some of my horse's tail Then you should have seen that spider-legged old skeleton of a horse go and the buffalo cut out after him Which was faster, they never did determine but by George. It was a hot race I in the saddle were back on the horse's rump and I had to bridle in my teeth while holding on to the pommel with both hands First we left the dogs behind Then we passed the jackrabbit Then we overtook a coyote And we was gaining on an antelope when the saddle girts let go and I landed about 30 yards off to the left At the foot of the only tree and nine counties adjacent Buffalo come over to see if I was hurt And one second after that I was a straddle of the main limb It was a little over 40 feet to the ground from where I sat, but you were safe Yeah That's what a tender foot like you might assume mr. Clemens But presently thought come to that buffalo and he started in to clumb that tree What the buffalo course who else but a buffalo can't climb a tree. He can't can he? Since you know so much about it. Did you ever see one try? No, well then the buffalo started to clumb that tree So I Cautiously unwound the laureate from the pommel of my saddle saddle did you take your saddle up the tree with you? Of course, I didn't it landed there when the horse kicked it and it was falling off him when the girts let go Oh, I see certainly So I Unwound the laureate and fastened one end of it to the limb Higher in higher clumb that buffalo. He hit his foot over the stump of a limb and looked at me as if to say You are my meat friend, but buffalo's don't eat meat. Don't they go He was within ten feet of me his eyes hot his tongue hanging out Well by this time I had one end of the Larry tied to the limb and the coil already All of a sudden I let go and the slipknot fell fairly around his neck quicker than lightening I was that was my revolver. Hey, I scared the buffalo to Must have for when the smoke cleared away. He'd let loose his hold of the tree trunk and there he was dangling in the air 20 feet from the ground So I shinny down and headed for home Well, that's a quite a story, mr. Beam is a little hard to swallow, but still quite a story You wouldn't care to doubt it. Would you young man? No, but did I bring back my late? No, did it bring back my horse? No Miss Hettle No Well then There's something to be said for a liar on a long journey though a really good one makes the time pass more quickly But 20 days is still 20 days And that's how long it took us to reach Carson City the capital of Nevada Territory If you want to know what Carson City looked like back then Just try to recall the little town in high noon with those funny little white frame buildings that seemed too high to sit down on And hardly high enough for anything else Carson was like that and the same sort of things went on there as Gary Cooper and the princess and All the other fine people acted out But as I recall the action that Carson City moved toward its climax without benefit of that old clock on the wall And there was action It began the moment we climbed down from the stagecoach a Tall-ranging fellow that might have been Gary's granddad rode up and shook hands with us from the lofty turrets of his saddle Good afternoon. I take it you're mr. Clemens the new secretary now I am sir, and this is my brother Sam. I am deeply pleased to welcome you I'm mr. Harris the governor sent me to meet you well now that's my name I'm afraid. I'll have to ask you to excuse me a minute Yanda is the witness who swore. I helped rod the California coach some weeks ago a Piece of impertinent meddling gentlemen for I'm not even acquainted with the man get up there Whoa now gentlemen if there is any way I may be of service I Never saw mr. Harris shoot down a man after that without recalling my first day in Carson City. I Was wonderfully fascinated with the curious new country and I set about to become a real Westerner Now every westerner must have a horse to ride a noble intelligent friendly beast Which I understand according to routine film procedures must be acquired by saving it in cold hood from a Stock shot of a Cougar very least from a mob of blackbirds bent on thwarting the SPCA But that is the hard way to get a horse $20 I am beat for this noble beast friends. Don't hate the animals It looks like that one's going pretty cheap don't it strange well, I'm not too familiar with the local market saddle alone's worth the money 22 I was about to bid myself, but if you want him I don't really want him. I wouldn't know what to do with another horse. It's just that I know this one I know I'm well Now you might think he was an American horse when he's nothing of the kind Excuse my speaking in a low voice stranger other people being near and all that But he is without a shadow of a doubt a genuine Mexican plug really yes a genuine Mexican plug I only wish I could use him. See why don't you bid on him? Has he any other advantages 24? He can out buck anything in America You're sure you don't want it. Oh, no, no, I wish I did you go right ahead, sir A 27 Congratulations stranger y'all always get a bargain when my brother auctions off a horse Certain citizens held my genuine Mexican plug by the head and others by the tail while I mounted him As soon as they let go he placed all his feet in a bunch together Lord is back then suddenly arched it upward and shot me straight into the air The third time I went up. I heard my new friend say When I came down again the genuine Mexican plug was not there He darted away like a telegram sword over three fences like a bird and disappear down the road toward the Washoe Valley I sat down on a stone with a sigh One of my hands sought my forehead the other the base of my stomach. I Never appreciated till then the poverty of the human machine where I still needed a hand or two to place elsewhere and Subsequent events as you shall see convinced me that the movie maker perhaps is inclined to romanticize the horse's usefulness to man Now this was the time of the great silver fever John Wayne himself searched for the command no more avidly or in deeper snow than the inhabitants of Nevada searched for hidden wealth I succumbed and joined a prospecting party Consisting of a mr. Balloo a mr. Allendorf me and three miserable horses We rode out of Carson on a chilly December afternoon and some days later Oh Mine doesn't pull any easier than yours below the dis one pulse even harder yet. Maybe they don't like it the snow I don't like it the snow either Allendorf We should have stayed at the stage station another day or two maybe till we could see where we was going my head It is like a compass Exactly Val Val going I know by instinct. Well, that's splendid news The last four hours would have been happier if you told us four hours ago My instinct sets a beeline if we was to waver off that beeline a single degree of the compass My instinct she would say whoa. I didn't mean you. Oh, I mean myself. Oh come on We should have traveled with a party left before us this morning. I rather wish we had over here on the tracks of that party Hey, they are tracks of that so we hurry and catch up with them. I told you my head. It is like a compass come horse We must be catching them tracks look fresher. Yeah, there seems to be more of them Maybe some others also have joined a party come horse More people join in a party all the time. I wonder how such a large group of people can be so quiet Maybe they don't like each other come horse Enough tracks now for a platoon of soldiers. I'll read some months yet any minute to catch up with them Yeah, any minute boys wait. He's here is our own tracks We've been circling around in a confounded circle for the last two hours. What? Well, certainly we have Not a very big circle at that, but my head it is like a compass On dwarf your head It is like a rock You're horsey horsey horsey Oh Clemas if you hadn't used up all them matches Well, if you hadn't got the full notion that frozen sagebrush would burn You hadn't dropped the brides and lost the horses when all the north try to light the fire but shoot this pistol into a horsey horsey horsey Now the horses would stay by their master's side through thick and thin like those lying books say they don't if you hadn't over slept this morning So we could have joined that other fallen dwarf hadn't let us around and around in circles like boys boys Let us die without hard feelings toward each other. Let us forgive and forget by guns Maybe you have felt hard toward me. Well, I have felt hard toward you, too You're both a couple of doomcocks, but I forgive you. I forgive you with all my heart You know something on north You make me ashamed of myself Now you are a pompous push an ass. Yeah But I forgive you too blue Hollandoff I Hadn't traveled one mile with you before I decided you were the biggest boars the maker ever created But I forgive both of you. Well, thanks. I could not die with two final gentlemen Well, let's shake hands and then lie down in the snow and in the morning We'll be frozen to death. Yeah They say that freezing to death is the most happiest way to die. That's what they say So long of the same Goodbye a delicious dream in its wolf its web about my yielding senses The snowflakes were the winding sheet about my conquered body Oblivion came We woke in the gray dawn and not 15 feet away under the shed of the stage station stood our noble horses There's no fault of theirs that I ever got back to Carson City and continued my research on the mores and peoples of the West It was a grueling job and when I became so physically exhausted that I felt the need of a bit of Spiritus frumenti to rub on my corns. I would repair to an establishment noted for its medicinal hospitality Now I have no quarrel with the Hollywood notion that ruffians are found in saloons I have no quarrel with calling these ignoble creatures by the names of states such as Montana Texas or black bar But I do quarrel with their idea of the raw passions that ignite a borrowed quarrel and I give them Arkansas Come on our landlord you can get that bottle in the bar faster than that, can't you? No offense, mr. Arkansas. There's other guests in the place, too, you know, I got eyes Hey, I Your second bottle today, mr. Arkansas put this one on my bill, too Well, no, I was reading about Pennsylvania election. I reckon what do you know about Pennsylvania and some of that Johnson What do you know about Pennsylvania? Well, I was only going to say What was you going to say? That's what I want to know Yeah, repeat what you saying about Pennsylvania if you dare Well, I was only going to say that Pennsylvania was going to have election next week. That was all I was going to say I wish I I may never serve if it wasn't and why don't you say it what you come swelling around that way for trying to Raise trouble. Well, I didn't come swelling around. Mr. Arkansas I was already here because I own this place and I just So I'm alive now, please not now, please I never meant such a thing as that I got ears any man calls me a liar now. Come on now, mr. Arkansas Let's take a drink together. Let's shake hands and take a drink. Well Now that you put it that way, come on up everybody. It's my treat By Lou come on up. Yeah, I just leave the bottle. I want you all to take a drink with me in Arkansas Oh Arkansas I call him. Give me your hand again old Arkansas. Give me that old flipper Long as you say so and as long as you're buying why sure sure and drink up there by Lou or say By the way, how's your father and that's a good You know my father was upwards of 80 year old when he passed away and if he hadn't land Lord, would you please make that remark over again if you please? Well, I was just saying the bottle that my father was upwards of 80 year old when he died Was that all you said that was all you didn't say nothing about that. No, nothing Look, what's the idea of raking up old personalities and blowing about your father eat this crowd agreeable to you? Of course this crowd if this crowd ain't agreeable to you, perhaps we'd better leave. Is that your idea? Why bless your soul, Arkansas. I wasn't thinking of such a thing I only said that my father Lord don't crowd a man. Don't do it Don't rake up old bygones and throw them in the teeth of a passable people who wants to be peaceful if they could get a chance What's the matter with you today anyway? Arkansas I really didn't mean no harm But with so many customers a man's got to give each one a little that's what's rankling your heart Is it too many customers you want us to leave is that it now, please please be reasonable I can saw you know, I ain't a man. Come on behind that bar Now please Arkansas please please please don't shoot if there's got to be blood so it's blood You want you raven desperado you made up your mind to murder somebody today, and it's me you got in mind a No, I can't do that. I get one chance first you thieving black-hearted white-libered son of a sea cook Roy your weapon Let me see Hollywood stop that one without rivers of blood and mothers dragging their screaming offspring from the theaters never to return Hollywood would never think the carnage could be halted by the tender words and frail beauty of the pioneer woman would it Johnson, what do you mean stumbling through our nice glass door that way and who's doing that shooting? Who's causing all this? Oh, it's you is it Arkansas was Johnson. I don't know tell me what you mean You're the only one with shoot and iron smoking Well when a man can't hold more than two three quarts of whiskey without he has to disturb a poor woman Who's slaving her life away over a boiling hot range trying to prepare a few vitals to keep the customers from starving Theirselves to death and causing her clumsy over of a husband to smash itself through a lovely glass door Which we only had shipped clear out here to make the place a little might more like things was back in Scranton, Pennsylvania Well You fire off that pistol once more and I'll run this butcher knife clean down from your guzzle to your boots Do I make myself clear? Yes, all right? Now do your drinking peaceable All right, dear There's lots more in my book the real information about the West Information appears to stew out of me naturally like precious otter of roses out of the otter So as I previously remarked any writing fellows contemplating an adult Western Can find the book in the public library? Its title is Roughing it and its author is yours truly Samuel Clemens The CBS radio workshop produced and transcribed in Hollywood by William and Robeson has tonight presented roughing it by Samuel Clemens Adapted for radio by Francis van Hardis felt and directed by mr. Robeson Louie van Rooton was heard as Sam Clemens Included in the cast were DJ Thompson Eddie Maher Dawes Butler Peter Leeds Howard McNeer Jack Krushen Hal Perry and Junius Matthews The original score was composed and conducted by Emery go Marino Next week the workshop will be heard from New York in a demonstration of a writer at work By and with Hector Shevny author of the daytime serial the second mrs. Burton Looking for a shortcut to satisfaction There's nothing quite a satisfactory as knowing you've accomplished a good deed and when you do that good deed through your united community fund You really are taking that shortcut When you're thinking about lending your support to the United Fund in your town CBS radio hopes you'll remember that the United Fund is a way to help many worthwhile efforts with just one gesture on your part