 Act 2 of A Little Bit of Fluff by Walter W. Ellis. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Act 2. Scene. Same as Act 1. Two weeks have elapsed since the events in the preceding act. John Ayers and Tully are seated at a small table down center. John in arm chair on right of table. Tully in small chair left of table. They are playing cards. John is dressed in pajamas with blanket around him as in Act 1. Tully wears a lounge suit and slippers. As the curtain rises, John is shuffling the cards and dealing for nap. Pamela enters from bedroom right and then adjusts her hat, looking in mirror by fireplace. She wears the pearl necklace. John deals. I must say, I think it is very good of you, Mr. Tully. Big pardon, Mrs. Ayers. I say it's very good of you to come and sit with John as you do. Oh, not at all, Mrs. Ayers. It's a pleasure, John's one of the best in the world. No, that's not your card. Picking up one of Tully's cards and looking at it. Oh, yes it is. Putting card down again. But he's a dirty cheat. Heaven helps those who help themselves. No, John, we're here to help others. Then what are the others here for? To help the others, I suppose. John, calling to hand. Well, I'll go too. Now, Mrs. Ayers, didn't we stipulate that there were to be no twos? To John. At two-handed nap you can't call less than three, surely? They both argue loudly. Pamela looking round. Now don't quarrel. There's good children. Tully's a bad loser. I'm not. You're a bad player. How can we possibly call twos? It's no game at all. Well, I go three. Very good. I pass three. They play the hand. Pamela strolls down, putting on gloves, and watches game. Play to that. I'll give you twos. That's one. Plays again. Trump, aha! I'm not afraid of that. You won't get this. Plays card. Thank you. Leads again. Tully takes the trick. That's another one up against you. Leads again. John takes the trick. Got it. Got it. Got it. Pamela comes down to top of table. Nothing could touch a hand like that. John teasing Tully. You get the cards, Tully, but you don't know how to play them. Oh, I think Mr. Tully plays a very excellent game. They start dealing. Now just a moment. Where are you going? I just want to run around and see how mother is. I'll leave John in your care, Mr. Tully. Certainly, Mrs. Ayers. Pamela to Tully. Would you mind answering the door? Answering the door? Of course he will. What's he here for? We sent the maids away a week ago. They talk so. Cook said she knew positively there was nothing to matter with me at all. So I've given them a holiday. Much the wisest thing to do. If the inspector or the doctor from the bus company calls, just ask him in and say I shall not be long. And you, John. Oh, I shall get into bed like a flash of lightning. I don't suppose they'll come. John, looking at Pamela. Do you think it's wise to wear that necklace on these dark nights? You might have it stolen. Pamela smiling and displaying necklace. Ah, I've been waiting for you to notice it. Well, it's running a risk. I should leave it at home if I were you. Does it look valuable to you? Of course it does. Well, it isn't. This is only imitation. Oh, it looks just the same to me. Mother had the real one copied for thirty shillings. She was so afraid I should lose it. That's very thoughtful. Mother does know. Pamela posing. But it looks genuine, doesn't it? It looks jolly good. What have you done with the real one? Ah, that's the telling. I'm never going to part with that as long as I live. Crossing to door left. Shall I give you a love to mother? No. John. I mean, yes. Exit Pamela. Yes, if you like. To Tully. That's the fourteenth love I've sent to mother this week. Door slams off left. Tully shuffles cards. I don't mind telling you, Tully. I'm more than sick of this business. I've been shut up now for nearly a fortnight. But the doctor from the bus company ought to have called on you long ago. He did call. Last Friday week. And I happened to be out. Just my luck. Pam saw him and made some excuse, and he said he'd call again. But he hasn't been near the place since. Tully deals the cards for NAP. Their idea is, of course, to tire you out. And we've got to be careful. Did you read about Dick Turner? He got his five hundred pounds out of them, didn't he? Yes. But do you know the latest? They're going to have him up for fraud. Oh, dear, dear, dear. What does Mrs. Ayers say about it? The Turner case is rather upset her. She's terribly afraid of the law. If you mention the word, she has a panic. So you see, good people are the happiest after all. But they don't always look it. Looks at Tully with a grin. Let me see now. It's my call, isn't it? No, John. You called last time. So I did. You're quite right. Tully jubilant. I'm going NAP. You're going NAP? Yes. John Rising. Huck. It's the doctor. The doctor from the bus company. Fleens off blanket and rushes to door right, groaning as if in pain. Tully runs to window. There's nobody there. Desist. Comes down to door left. Desist. John stops groaning. There's nobody at the door. Not a sign of anyone. Really? Are you sure? Coming to table center. Quite sure. John, mixing cards up altogether. All right. Deal again. Deal again. Sits. Tully comes to table, looks with disgust at cards, gathers him up and sits. It's a very funny thing, John. But every time I call NAP, you imagine you hear the doctor coming. Coincidence, I suppose. Gives a big sigh. What's the matter with you, Tully? Have you ever been in love? Tully looks and smiles. I was nearly caught once. Oh, what was her name? Agnes. Sorry, Fully. She made a vow that if she ever met a really good man, she would love him, though he be as ugly as sin. And she loved you? Devotedly. Why didn't you marry the girl? She was so expensive. They all are. I don't believe woman was the rib of man. I believe she was the expendix. I mean the appendix. No use to anybody. That's what makes me so timid. I'm so afraid that one of these days some woman will get me into a corner and make me do something thoughtless. Cards dealt. I shouldn't worry about that, if I were you. Let me see. It's my call, isn't it? Yes. Well, I pass. You pass? Well, I... I... You can't hear the doctor coming, can you? No. Well, I'm going, nap. What again? You haven't given me a chance yet. John, rises. I have an idea. No, no, played this hand first. I've called nap. John, searches on table left center. No, it's not there. What are you looking for? The real necklace. She wouldn't leave it about like that. You don't know. She might. Postman's double knock, heard off left. Rushing for bedroom door. The doctor! The doctor! The blanket is left in armchair. It isn't. It isn't the doctor. It's the postman. It's the postman. I know his knock. John goes out of door left, returns with a letter and reads it center. John, speaking off. Yes, you're right. There's a letter in the box. Enters. I told you it was only the postman. Do come and play this nap out. I've got such beautiful cards. Hang your nap. This is serious. It's from little Mammy Scott. Mammy Scott? Who's she? You know, your wife. Oh, don't start that again, please. Rises. John, reading from letter. The ranger declines to wait any longer for his necklace and threatens to place the matter in the hands of the police. Oh, dear, dear, dear. You'd better go and tell her the necklace is having its clasp repaired and is coming back from the jeweler's tomorrow. Is it? Oh, do have a little common sense. I think I know where to find her. Put on your hat and go round to the 500 Club. Is that a ladies club? No. Mixed. No, I couldn't do that, really. Why not? I never believed in mixed schools or mixed bathing, and I'm certainly not going to a mixed club at my time of life. All you've got to do is to ask for Miss Mammy Scott. No, no. I've never been to such a place as the 500 Club in my life. Take your checkbook with you. They'll make you very welcome. A great deal too welcome, I expect. No, I couldn't do it. Why don't you go? How can I? I'm ill in bed. It's a hundred to one if I put my foot on the doorstep I should run into the arms of the doctor, Pamela and the whole bus company. Ruin, divorce and fraud await me on the doorstep. Well, I'm not going. Don't forget you're in this as well as me. If that necklace is lost you're a party to it. Oh, don't say that. You've acknowledged that little woman as your wife. She's not the sort to be played with. Oh, don't talk like that. But I do talk like that. Here, take my key. Step over the balcony. Pointing to Window Left Centre. Get through my window and go out through my flat and come back the same way. Along the balcony and through your flat? They wouldn't see me then. I could do it in twenty minutes in the taxi, couldn't I? Easily. Top hole. That's splendid. Exit door right. There isn't a soul at home. The maid's out. At card table, calling. I say you'll play this nap out when you come back. John, spoken off. What say? You'll play this nap out when you come back. Oh, yes. I'll leave the cards just as they are. Righto. I won't look at your hand. All right. Do you know this is the fourth nap I've been done out of? Bad luck. How long will you be? About twenty minutes, I should say. Somehow I don't quite like being left here alone. Why not? I have a presentiment of impending disaster. Say it again. I have an impediment of presenting disaster. John enters an overcoat, muffler, and hat. Note. He completes his change after next exit. You do get hold of the most absurd expressions. Now, all we've got to do is to keep Mammy quiet until we get the money, and then everything will be okay. Crossing up to window left center. I'll be as quick as I can. Which way do I go? Both by open window up left center. Just step over the balcony. Exit John through window. The second window to the right. Calling after John. Mind the geraniums. Just step over them and don't be seen. John heard off. They'll take me for a creeper, won't they? Tully stands out on balcony watching John. Pamela rushes in dramatically, closing the door after her. John! John! The doctor! The doctor! Rushes across an open store right, calling off. John! The doctor from the motor bus company is coming! John! Back to center, moves card table to left. John! John! Where are you? Tully comes down from window. Oh, Mr. Tully, where's John? I couldn't say it at the moment. John! Is he in the house? Tully opening and chatting his mouth, but saying nothing. Oh, please don't stand there yawning. I'm not yawning. I'm trying to say something. Where is John? Tully with a gulp. He's out. Out? Impossible. Are you sure? Quite sure. Where has he gone? He's gone to five hundred clubs. Pamela turning down left. Great heavens, and we've waited for this day. We? We've waited for this day? Pamela dashes to door left, stands with her back to it. Mr. Tully, you and I are the only people in this house. Tully alarmed and going down right. Oh, don't say that. Don't say that. We cannot miss this opportunity. Opportunity? Can't we? Oh, don't say that. Don't say that. Moving away in apprehension. But I do say it. Crossing centre. And you can't have an Adam of Pluck unless you do as I ask. Really, this is most embarrassing. I want you to get into pyjamas as quickly as you can. Removes her hat and putting it on table left centre. Get into pyjamas? I've never been asked to do such thing in my life. Trembling all over. Not for all the gold in the bank of England, Mrs. Ayers. Pamela, coming centre. Yes, yes, please, for my sake, dear Mr. Tully. Then up to window left. Not for any woman breathing. Your endearments are wasted on me. Oh, I knew this would happen one day. I knew some woman would get me into a corner. I only want you to take John's place. Ho, ho. Please, please. Advancing to Tully. Just for a little time while John is out. But it's right against my principles. It's our only chance. Crosses to armchair, kneels on front of it, looking up at Tully, who is behind it, and pleading. He may be back here at any moment. You'll have to do this for me really, Mr. Tully. I'll never do it unless you use force, and a woman can't force a man to get into pyjamas. It isn't legal. Dashes up to window right. Pamela follows him. If you come any nearer, I'll shriek from the window. Bale heard off left. Pamela, up to window left, quickly. Looks out, then back again. There is the doctor. I knew it. Now what on earth are we going to do? The doctor? Yes, the doctor. The doctor? Sits in armchair. Oh, the doctor. Why didn't you make your meaning clear just now? What did you think I meant? Tully very embarrassed. What did you think I meant? Coming down to Tully. Well, what you said. Bale heard off left. That man is out there on the doorstep now, and, hand, there's no John, a doctor and no patient, and we swore he was unable to leave his bed. Oh, dear, dear, dear. Bale heard off left. Both listen. Perhaps if we keep quite quiet, he'll go away. No, he knows we must be in the house. Mr. Tully, this doctor has never seen John. Doesn't know him from Adam. I won't impersonate Adam. Would it be asking too much of you to let him think that you are my husband? Well, if you put it like that, and you think I could all do my best. Very well. Go and get into bed. Oh, no, I couldn't get into bed. I can't bear people to see me in bed. What about the chair? The inspector saw John when he was sitting up. Why couldn't he see me in the chair? Bale heard off. Oh, very well. Be as quick as you can. I'll keep the doctor talking. Crossing to door left. Grown. Grown when you're ready. Get into John's pajamas. At door. I'd do the same for you. Pamela runs off left. Oh, oh. Tully runs off right. Tully re-enters with pajamas, puts them on back of armchair, looks round room, hops up to window left, draws curtains, hops along to window right, draws curtains, goes to standard lamp above door left, switches off light, then over to armchair. He puts on pajama jacket over clothes, picks up pajama trousers, holds them against himself, then looks towards doors right and left as if someone might be looking through keyholes. Goes to fireplace and brings small fire screen to down to right of armchair, puts on trousers, jumps himself into them, fastens them up, takes screen back to fireplace, comes back to armchair, wraps blanket around him, lies back in armchair and groans loudly. Pamela enters and crosses to Tully. I've told him you're not awake. Pretend to be asleep. Switches on lights and exits left. Re-enters almost immediately, holding door open. Oh, come in, doctor. Then crossing to Tully. Dr. Bigland enters, hat and bag in hand. He is a fairly corpulent man of fifty and blunt in manner, places hat and bag on small table down left. This is our patient, doctor. Gets to back of armchair. Ahem. Wouldn't he be better in bed? That is what I try to impress on him, but he says he feels the pain less sitting up, and you can't persuade him. His mind seems thoroughly unhinged since the accident. Doctor crosses over to Tully, puts head to Tully's heart. Tully makes a face. Doctor raises his head almost catching Tully making a face. A pity to wake him, don't you think? Doctor still examining Tully. This is the best sleep he's had for weeks. John is entering by window left. Seeing doctor, he retires immediately. Doctor, having finished his examination, crosses center. I understood. He was quite a small man. Tully slides down in chair, trying to make himself look smaller. A very conspicuous movement. Yes, he was, but he seems to have grown considerably since the accident. Doctor goes to Tully, feels his pulse. Oh, don't wake him, please, doctor. Oh, I shan't wake him. Don't worry. Tully snores loudly. To Pamela. Any throat trouble? No, I, uh, he hasn't complained of any. Keeps you awake at night, a good deal, I daresay? Going left. Oh, yes, he does. By the way, has Mr. Trippett, the inspector of claims for our company, has he been here today? No, no doctor, not to my knowledge. I was wondering, that's all. He said he would meet me here to discuss the case. Tully shows nervousness. No, I don't think he's called. Ah, probably he'll come later. This matter has been hanging on too long, you know. It ought to have been settled up days ago. Yes, I quite, quite agree. Doctor takes out watch. Well, I have another call to pay, close by here. I'll look back a little later on. Perhaps you'll be awake then. Thank you, doctor. Crosses to door left, holds door open. Doctor picks up hat and follows her. Allow me. Is going off. Tully rises in chair and stares after him. Oh, I'm forgetting my bag. Turning he almost catches Tully looking. Tully collapses immediately. The weather keeps warm, doesn't it, doctor? Doctor picking up bag. It does, indeed. Exit doctor left, followed by Pamela. John enters at window left, comes down quickly, places hat on table left center, comes to Tully. Tully starts up. Who told you to do this? That's the doctor from the bus company. Then those are my new pajamas. Throwing coat and scarf onto Satie at back. I know, I know her. Enter Pamela. Oh, there you are, John. Who, who is responsible for this absurd jumble? Pointing to Tully. And who does the doctor think that is? Why, you, you of course, there was no one else here when the doctor came. And someone had to be ill in bed. But not in a chair. I know this game backwards. If you can get five hundred in bed, you can't get fifty in a chair. To Tully. You've mucked up the whole show. I'm quite sure I didn't want to do it. Turns his back on John. John holding forth. And it's not very flattering to me if he goes out and about and becomes known as John Ayres. I simply did it to oblige your wife. If you are in the habit of getting into those things simply to oblige ladies, you'll soon find yourself in the divorce court. Don't be cruel. Going right. It's no use arguing. The doctor has only gone a little way and he'll be back here any minute. John, to Pamela. Surely you could have kept the doctor waiting a little while or made some excuse? What possible excuse could I make? Last time he called I said you were in your bath. But that was last Friday a week. Surely another bath wouldn't be out of place by now. Tully begins to remove trousers of pajamas. Pamela alarmed. Mr. Tully, please, please not in my presence. For heaven's sake, be decent. Be decent. Tully goes up to fireplace, gets behind screen and refasses strings of pajamas. I've had enough of this. John, back to center. Can't you see the awful situation we're in? If Trippet calls he'll demand to see me. If the doctor comes he'll expect to see Dolly. And if they both come together, heaven help us. Hush, shh! Hurry's up to window left. John and Tully start back in fear. What is it? What is it? Pamela, coming down. Ah, it's nothing. Well, don't do it, Pam. It unnerves me. Tully, coming down right. I'd give anything to be out of this. Of course you would. Always thinking of yourself. Tully stoopes and pulls down leg of pajamas. And don't stretch those pajamas. I don't enjoy the best of health. I shan't be a nuisance to you much longer. Why talk like that? You know you will. Tully goes up to window right. I can't say that I'm enjoying the situation. Well, don't lose your heads. Well, what are we going to do? John, hand to forehead. Already I have the whole scheme laid out here. It's perfectly simple. This is absolutely an inspiration. Tully. Tully must cut off his mustache. Tully, crossing to John. No, I'm ready to oblige to a certain extent. But I'm not going to be messed about. It's absolutely necessary. I've always been clean shaven. And it's the first thing that has noticed in a man. Now get me a pair of scissors. Quickly. Pushing Tully into armchair right. Pamela gets scissors from table left center and takes them to John. She stands in front of Tully. John cuts off Tully's mustache. I protest I'm not going to be chopped about. John, over Tully. If you only keep still you won't know anything about it. Now don't move or I shall hurt you. I protest. I progerger. Pamela holding Tully down in armchair. Oh, don't choke him John. I wouldn't do anything in the world against his wishes. Keep still Bertram. Mustaches cut off. John goes down right. Pamela goes down left. Tully sits up in chair. I don't know why you are making all this fuss. There's practically nothing of it when you come to gather it up. There. I've never seen you look so handsome. Placing mustache in waistcoat pocket. Really, I think it suits you Mr. Tully. But don't you see the doctors already seen me with a mustache. Oh Lord. And this is my flute night down at the mission. They all heard off left. It's the doctor back again I expect. Runs up to window left looks off. John pulling Tully out of chair. Go on get into bed. Leads Tully to door right. You don't think he'll operate on me do you? Exit Tully door right. John it's a woman. John advancing. A woman. It's Mrs. Tully. John back quickly to door right puts back against it. Mrs. Tully. Pamela comes down center. What ever is she coming here for? She knows I'm an invalid and can't leave the house. I suppose she imagines that her husband is here. Now you would better not be seen. Go across quickly into the dining room. Crossing to Pamela. And shut yourself in. I want to know exactly why Mrs. Tully has called here. There's no time to discuss anything. Would you please go and hide in the dining room? And leave you alone with that woman. Most certainly not. Then perhaps you will be good enough to explain to Mrs. Tully why her husband is in your bedroom. No no why can't you explain it? Not in your peasants. Couldn't Mr. Tully explain if we sent his wife into him? Good heavens no he'd go mad. Why should he? Well he's only recently been married and he's not in his own flat or in his own bed. Hang it he's not in his own pajamas. Well I'm going to ask him. To door right. Do please listen to reason Pam. Pamela knocking on door and calling to Tully. Mr. Tully are you in bed? Tully heard off. Yes. Your wife has called? Tully heard off. A long moan of agony. I say your wife has called. We are sending her into you. Will you kindly explain everything to her? Glass and crockery crash off right. Pamela staggers back from door. John backs up a little rather frightened. That's done it. Tully dashes into room. Makes a dive for door left. John catches him and swings him into chair left center. Tully has blanket round his shoulders and head. He half sits, half lies in chair in a collapsed condition. Let me go let me go. John across to Pamela. I told you what would happen. Shall I go and fetch mother? Fetch mother? Good heavens no. Give the poor devil a chance. Have you got any smelling salts? Scent spray. Yes that'll do. Pamela gets scent spray from mantelpiece and gives it to John. John squirts scent into Tully's face. Tully sneezes loudly. It's the most extraordinary thing I've ever experienced. To see a man so afraid of his wife. Some of us don't show it like he does. Bale heard off left. His marriage was a mistake from the first. To Pamela. Would you go into the dining room now? I'll see Mrs. Tully here in the presence of her husband and explain everything. If Mr. Tully will promise to remain in the room. Yes yes. No no. John threatening Tully with spray. Yes yes. Tully cowards into blanket. To Pamela. Now go along as quickly as you can. Place a spray table right center. Pamela crossing to door left. But understand I expect to hear Mr. Tully's voice the whole time. John crossing left. You shall you shall. He shan't leave the room. And when he's not talking I'll get him to sing. Exit Pamela briskly left. Turning to Tully. Go and let Mammy in as quickly as you can. Sure in here. And stand by that door and don't let anyone else in on any account. And sing just through the keyhole. It'll keep Mrs. Ayers quiet. Tully crossing to door left. You won't leave me alone with Miss Fluffy Scott again will you? I'll get rid of her as soon as ever I can. Go and let her in quickly. Tully runs out of door left. John holds the door open looking off. A moment and Mammy hurries in. Come along Mammy. John shuts door forgetting all about Tully and catches Tully's arm in the door. Tully gives a yell of pain waggling his hurt fingers. Oh sorry old man I forgot. Tully shuts door. Now don't leave that door whatever you do. And sing. Sing! John goes to Mammy who is center. Tully stands close to door left and sings the rosary. Mammy anxiously. Jack! Jack! Did you get my letter? Your letter? What letter? Mammy seeing Tully who is singing loudly. What's that? It's all right. He is not listening. I wrote you about the necklace. But I sent you word last week that the necklace was in the hands of the jeweler. I know. I told the Rajah that. And he won't believe me. He's simply furious. Where is the jeweler's? Let me take it back to him whether it's damaged or not. Do. But there isn't time. I'm expecting my wife at any moment and you must get away from here. But I dare not go home without it. Throwing her arms round John's neck. Darling do please. Tully embarrassed sings louder than ever. John to Tully. Oh dry up. Dry up. To Mammy. Well, now I'll tell you the truth. The jeweler sent the necklace back yesterday and I've given it to my wife to take care of. Mammy joyfully. Then you've got it. You've got it. Tully runs towards John. You've got it? You never told me. John to Tully sharply. Watch that door. Tully resumes singing the rosary. To Mammy. Yes. Mrs. Ayers is wearing it. Oh, I am pleased. But why didn't you give it to Mr. Tully if she thinks I'm his wife? Ah, that's the point. That's the trouble. Notting his head towards Tully. There are some people in this world you can't trust. I could tell you a few things about Mr. Tully. Ask him if he knows a girl called Agnes. She teaches him ragtime down at the mission. Tully sings louder. John to Tully. Oh dry up. Will you dry up? Tully drops on all fours and stops singing. Mammy looking at Tully. What's he doing there? Saying his prayers? He must keep to that door in case Mrs. Ayers comes back. Tully has stopped singing and is trying hard not to listen. Well, give me the necklace and I'll be off at once. I'll send it on to you tomorrow. No. I dare not go home without it. But how can I give it to you? Mrs. Ayers is wearing it round her neck. Can't I wait until she returns? No, no. She doesn't know you're here. And you must leave at once before she comes back. Pamela knocks loudly outside door. Tully jumps up. Mammy and John start. All silent. Pamela off. I can't hear Mr. Tully's voice. John to Tully. Sing, sing! Tully resumes singing. I hear you calling me. That is Mrs. Ayers. Now you can give me the necklace. That's impossible. I don't want her to know you're here. But it doesn't matter if she thinks I'm Mrs. Tully. Tully crosses to John. I object to that being shouted broadcast. John to Tully. You keep quiet. To Mammy. You see, he objects. And don't be so unfeeling. We're expecting the doctor here at any minute. I'm as ill as I can be and Tully may be operated on at any moment. Grimaces from Tully. I don't care who's operated on. I'm not going home without that necklace. Almost in tears. Can't you see the trouble we're in? There'll be worse trouble when the Raja arrives. Good heavens. You haven't told the Raja about me. What else could I do? And I had to give him your address. Oh Tully, Tully, she's given the Raja my address. Mammy, bursting into tears. What else could I do? It's not my fault. And why should I be blamed for it? Sitting in armchair right. John down to Mammy. Don't cry. Don't cry. Tully burst into tears. What's the matter with you? I can't bear to see a woman cry. Mammy shrieks and yells and kicks up her feet. Hold her feet down. Sits on Mammy's feet to Tully. Don't leave that door. Tully peeps out of door left and crosses to John. John, the doctor's arrived. John, still sitting on Mammy's feet. Say, say you're having a bath. You won't be long. Tully speaking through keyhole. I'm in my bath. I shan't be long. You're not shouting the odds at a race meeting. I'm in my bath. I shan't be long. Splash, splash. Moves up and down as if covering himself with water. Splash. Tully uses blanket like a towel, drying his back up and down. Exaggerated movements. I'm drying. I'm dying. Oh, good heavens. This is awful. Rises, looks at Mammy. She's fainting. She's fainting. What shall we do? Put a key down her back. Well, give me a key. Tully rushes to door left. No, not that one, idiot. We may want that. Tully takes long strides over to door right. You'll split those pajamas. Tully gives John key from door right. Is this the proper thing to do? Drops key behind Mammy onto armchair as if down her back. She's coming round. No more tears. No more tears, little girl. Mammy rises and puts arm on John's shoulder. No. No more tears. No more tears. Turning right, she sees Tully and screams at side of him. Turns to John. John, leading Mammy off into room right. There, dear, no more tears. You come along to this room and you shall have the necklace. I promise you. You really mean that, Jack? Of course I mean it. Now come along. Exit Mammy and John, room right. Oh, Mrs. Ayers. Going center and singing. Oh, dry those tears. Oh, calm those fears. John, entering quickly and trying to lock door right. The key. Where's the key? You put it down Fluffy's back. Pamela rushes on from door left. The doctor says he can't wait much longer. Exit Pamela quickly. John crosses to Tully. I suppose you realize that something's got to be done. This girl demands the necklace. The police have been informed and the Raja is rampant. The bus company claimed me as a patient and my married happiness rocks in the balance. Oh, don't talk like that. Go on. Get into that chair. Pushing Tully to arm chair right. Haven't I done enough for one day? At this very moment you can wreck my life and you're going to take advantage of it. Bertram, Bertram. Presses Tully down into arm chair right. What did I do with those pieces of your moustache? You put them in your pocket. Ah, so I did. John picks up hat and is going to window. Tully in arm chair and drawing blanket round him. You're not going to leave me in this awful predicament. I shall be back immediately. I have a brilliant idea that will clear up everything. Now, don't forget you are John Ayers. I'm John Ayers? John ever to door left. You can come in. Back to Tully. Mona little and for heaven's sake try and look intelligent. John goes off through windows left. Tully makes faces as if intelligent. Pamela enters left followed by doctor. Pamela crossing to Tully. Ah, here he is doctor. Doctor putting hat and bag on table left center. Is he awake? Are you awake dear? No. Pamela slaps his head. Er, yes, yes. Still sitting up and after a bath too. It's not wise. We can't keep him in bed. He's so full of spirits. Yes, yes I quite understand. Now don't distress yourself my dear lady. Doctor sits in chair from right of table left center and places it on left of arm chair. You have your own medical man attending, of course. Oh yes doctor, of course. But I don't think he understands the case. Although he thinks it very serious. Doctor sits in chair, loud knocks her off left. I think that must be Mr. Trevitt. Tully starts up, frightened. Pamela going to door left. Excuse me a moment. Exit Pamela door left. Doctor watches her off. Tully quickly rises and hides behind arm chair. Doctor turns around to examine Tully, finds the chair empty, looks dumbfounded, scratches his head, pushes blanket down which has been left on chair, turns left, looks under his own chair, then looks up left. Tully gets quickly back into arm chair again and pulls blanket round him, feigns sleep. Doctor turns again to arm chair, sees Tully, can't believe his eyes, pinches himself, lifts Tully's arm. Tully drops it. Doctor lifts Tully's arm again. Tully holds it up this time and moves fingers. Now then young man, I want you to tell me exactly where you feel this pain. We don't want you to remain an invalid all your life. Although I dare say a little compensation will act as a wonderful restorative. Pamela enters holding door open. John peeping round door. Saves Mr. Tully. John is wearing a mustache. Pamela announcing. Uh, Mr. Tully. Tully rising. Yes, it's Mr. Tully. John enters. Doctor turns and looks at John. Tully walks on knees round arm chair and then sits covering himself with blanket. John posing as Tully. May I come in? How do you do Mrs. Ayers? So pleased to see you. And how is the patient today? Not much better, I'm afraid. Oh no, he's worse, a lot worse. I can see that. Going behind Tully. Poor old John. Poor John. I don't think we shall have him with us much longer. Tully sits up. Birchen. Tully falls back. I don't think it's wise to disheartened a patient like that. Pamela to John. This is the doctor from the motor bus company. Oh, how do you do? Doctor turns to John. I'm a very old friend of Mr. Ayers and I'm very sorry to see him struck down like this. Tully falls right half off chair. John pulls him back again. It's a very serious matter. Yes, the company wished me to convey their deep sympathies. Deep sympathies aren't much good. I'm afraid it will cost them something more than that. Oh, he'll be up and about in a few days. Oh, no he won't. Oh, yes he will. Oh, no he won't. Oh, yes he will. Oh, no he won't. I can promise you that. Can't you see the man has been terribly knocked about? Aside to Tully. Grown. Tully groans long and loudly. No, tell me Mrs. Ayers. Is he thirsty at all? No, Doctor. No, no he wouldn't be. But the pain in his back is simply terrible. He raves. Aside to Tully. Rave. Tully raves, pulls hair up on the end, imagines he sees something, tries to catch it, and continues any mad business. Doctor follows his movements closely and seriously. Doctor to Pamela. Does he have any pains in the head? No, Doctor. No, no he wouldn't have. But his mind's affected. Is he, is he sleepy at all? No, not as a rule Doctor. No, no. No, no he wouldn't be. Imitating Doctor. How dare you sir! Turns away in a rage. Of course a good deal of this may proceed from a previous debilitated state. Debilitated. I understand the patient has led rather a, well, if I may be allowed to say so, rather a gay life. Tully rises annoyed. Oh no you're quite wrong. Pointing to Tully. No one can ever say that John Ayers went the pace. I've known John ever since I was born and I can safely say he's a living saint. Isn't he Mrs Ayers? Pamela with a gulp. Uh, yes, yes of course. If anyone knocks about at all you might accuse me. I'm known everywhere as Tully the Rake. Tully sits up in protest. Aside. Bertram. Tully falls back in chair. There's just one more question Mrs Ayers. Does he have any cold sweats? Yes, he lives entirely on soda water. I said sir, does he have any cold sweats? Oh, I beg your pardon. I thought you said shwaps. Shwaps? Pamela crossing to ride of armchair. Yes, he perspires a good deal. John, aside to Tully. Perspire. Tully perspires, wipes head, then rings handkerchief out. Perspires. That's quite natural. To Tully. Now then, will you tell me exactly where you feel this pain in the back? John, getting between Doctor and Tully. Just up between the ribs. Doctor digs John in back. Oh, that's the very place. Will you let the patient tell me? But he doesn't know as well as I do. Tully, pointing to John. Mr Ayers or Mr Tully, this gentleman knows all about it. Mr Tully, Mr Tully. Where have I heard that name before? Ah. To John. You were in the bus accident with him, I believe. No, that was my brother. Your brother? And he escaped unhurt? Er, yes. He fell on top of a fat old woman who was sitting opposite. Yes, that poor lady had three ribs broken. Rises. Still, that concerns your brother. Sarcastically, John and Tully exchange looks. Doctor takes chair up to right of table left centre, opens bag. I can't quite understand all this, you know. According to Mr Trippett's report, the patient was a much smaller man. Takes out stethoscope from bag, wiping it with his handkerchief and coming down left. John, over to Doctor. Surely you're not going to measure him, Doctor. Hang it all, he's not dead yet. No, I simply wish to examine him, that's all. Turning to John. Although I have taken the measure of many people in my time. John turns away and upstage. Now, Mrs Ayers, will you kindly loosen the patient's things a little? Just in front. Tully drags his pajama jacket tightly round him, very much alarmed. Pamela looks at John in despair. John, down to Tully. Perhaps I can assist. I shall feel much obliged, sir, if you will not interfere. Doctor goes over to table down left, keeps his back towards the others. Couldn't you examine him better in bed, Doctor? Undoubtedly. Mamie enters from door right. John sees her and pushes her back. No, I can't let him go into bed. I don't advise it. Shutting door right. And I'm not going to strip. Bale heard off left. Pamela up to window left looks off. It's Mr Trippett. Mr Trippett, good. He's just in time. John to Tully. Good. He's just in time. That is lucky. I am glad. He promised to meet me here. Takes out watch. John crosses to Doctor. Isn't it a motor-bus etiquette for you to discuss the case with Mr Trippett in private? No, I don't think that's at all necessary. Goes up to table left centre, puts stethoscope in bag. I'm sure both Mr and Mrs Ayers would like you to consult before anything is said or done in the matter. The dining-room is at your service. Pamela crossing to an opening door left. Yes, yes, of course. Well, if you particularly wish it, I'll see Mr Trippett. This way, Doctor. Thank you, Madam. I thank you. Doctor exits, followed by Pamela. John places chair left centre under table. Tully jumps up. I've had enough of this. I'm going mad. Bertram, Bertram. Bertram be damned. Holds his mouth instantly. John crosses to Tully. I think you're very ungrateful. Just as everything's going so splendidly. Splendidly? Is it? Do you think Mr Trippett and the Doctor are going to swallow this tale? I've lost my reputation, and I've lost my mustache. Pamela rushes in and closes door. Mr Trippett would like to see you now. He's rather in a hurry. What will you do? That's all right. Send Trippett in here in two seconds, and keep the Doctor in there. And keep calm. Pamela exits left. Everything's going splendidly. Everything's going splendidly. Taking wild leaps into the air. John to Tully. Go on. Get behind that screen. Gets into chair and draws blanket round him. Tully going up to fireplace. If ever I get out of this, I'll leave the neighbourhood. Neals behind screen and fireplace. Don't talk like that. Mamie rushes on from door right. Jack, I can't wait any longer. Where's the necklace? John, rises and crosses to Mamie. It's all right. Only wait. My darling, what have you been doing? What? That dreadful mustache. They've been putting me under glass. Mamie off down right. Tully groans. Don't you groan. I'm the patient now. Sits an armchair again. Pamela rushes into centre. Tully peeps round from screen. John, the Doctor says he must examine you before discussing the case with Mr. Trippett. John, rising. Good heavens! Can't they make up their minds? They must be a couple of weathercocks. All right. Send the Doctor in. Wait till you hear Tully groan. Mr. Tully will be in the chair? Yes, yes. We're quite prepared. Wait till he groans, that's all. Pamela exits left to Tully. Go on. Get into that chair. Arranging blanket. The Doctor's coming in. Tully comes down to armchair. Pamela rushes in. Pamela breathlessly. John, Mr. Trippett and the Doctor are both coming in together. Both together? John and Tully both rush for armchair. Wait, I know. Say those on escape of gas. Electric light. Look! Say the lease of the flat is up. John, pushing Tully into chair. Don't be a fool. Say I'm dead. Doorbell heard off left. Pamela, up to window. John, there's a coloured man at the door. A coloured man? Oh, good heavens. It's the Raja. Tully rushes up to window right centre with blankets on arm. The Raja? Yes. Tell him I'm buried and won't be back for a week. Mammy enters door right. But who is the Raja? Just a friend of mine. Excuse me? He's a friend of mine. Yours? Yes, a friend of mine. And I must have that necklace. Will you kindly give it to me, Mrs. S? This necklace? How dare you! It's mine! Mammy and Pamela both quarrel violently about it and argue madly till fall of curtain. Tully goes to Mammy at the same time as John goes to Pamela. They both throw the men off. Tully has taken blanket from armchair. John is going to door left. Not that way, John. Not that way. John and Tully meet centre. Tully throws blanket over both of them and they crawl out of window left. Doctor and Trippett enter together talking. Doctor sees the two men crawling off. He draws Trippett's attention and they both look on aghast. Curtain. End of Act II. Act III of A Little Bit of Fluff by Walter W. Ellis. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Act III. Scene. A room in Tully's flat. Lights out to open. A similar room in construction in every way to scene in Act I. Accepting that it is furnished differently. Two French windows at back opening onto balcony door right, leading to hall and street. Door left leading to bedroom. It is twilight as the curtain rises. A letter and telegram lie unopened on table about left centre and a setee is placed well in view below door left. Plan of the scene will be found at the end of the play. Ursula, Tully's maid, enters right. Switches on lights. Switch above door right. Lights go up. Ursula in somber tones. You can come in. Enter Aunt Hannah. She is very tall and stout. Old-fashioned but a lady. Aunt Hannah entering. Thank you, thank you. Goes to chair right of table left centre. Thank you. Sits. Oh dear me, I'm glad to sit down. Phew, I only left a hospital this morning. Ursula, standing centre. You don't say. Yes. I was in a terrible bus accident about three weeks ago and I had three of my ribs broken. You don't say. It was my first experience of a motor bus too. They are most dangerous things. Aren't you afraid of them? I ain't afraid of nothing. Dear me, what courage, what courage. Ursula, crossing to left of table left centre. Take anything? No, no thank you. I've had my tea. And so my nephew's out? Been out since lunch. Didn't he say he expected me? About three weeks ago he mentioned your name, but not since. Yes, that was when I came up from Exeter. I was coming on to see him then when I was injured on the bus and they took me straight away to the hospital. You don't say. Aunt Hannah, tapping walking stick on floor. But I do say. But I sent him a telegram saying I was coming today. Ursula, pointing to table. Telegram. Oh yes. Oh yes, unopened. Come after the master left. Oh dear, what a pity. But he'll be home shortly I suppose but doesn't he keep good respectable hours? Nothing to find fault with. Has he any lady friends? Only one. That goodness. I hope she's a good girl. Noise off. Pamela, Mamie, John and Tully continuing argument loudly off right as at end of act two. Oh, what's that? People next door I suppose. Noise ceases. Aunt Hannah opening her cloak. Dear me, it's close. Removing of things. Yes, I should like to. Rising. Ursula goes to door left. Opens door and holds door open. Bedroom this way. Aunt Hannah crossing to door. Very convenient and I find everyone in London so very kind and polite. Ursula closing door almost on Aunt Hannah. In there. Noise off again. Thank you, thank you. Exit Aunt Hannah door left. Ursula closes door crosses up right. All of the neighbors, all of the neighbors. Exit Ursula door right. Tully appears in pajamas. Peeping through curtains right off centre. He steals into room and runs down to chair left centre. Looks round room. John crawls on through window right of centre with blanket over him. Following Tully on. Home at last. Home at last. It's all right. Throws blanket on chair at back. I've made a barricade with the geranium pots. Nobody could get over without making a terrible smash. We should be sure to hear them. Good. Then we're safe for the moment. Growns loudly. Don't make a scene. Don't make a scene. Going up to window. Aunt Hannah enters and seeing Tully in pajamas. She gives a scream and goes off door left quickly. John and Tully both start and look round the room. John to Tully. Don't do it. Don't do it. I distinctly heard a woman's voice. John approaches window gingerly. Shh. Don't make a noise. I'm listening for the flower pots to fall. What will happen if Mr. Trippett and the doctor come in and find us gone? They dare not enter while the two women are arguing. Perhaps fighting. I'm only thinking what a little cat mammy was to come just when everything was going so splendidly. Whatever induced you to run after a girl like that? Is there anybody in this flat? Only the maid. Well, send her out. She's just been out. Never mind. Send her out 50 times if it'll only help us. Tully Growns. Don't give way. Don't give way. I've got an idea. I'm going to cut the electric wires of the whole block of flats. I think I know where they run. Now you go and get her out of the house. Don't lose a moment. Please go Bertram. Tully Growns and exits door right. John calling after him. It isn't often I ask you to do anything. John thinks. He has a brilliant idea. Takes out his pen knife and goes to wall it back. Fills along wall. No, that's not it. Looks at wall below door left. Ah, that looks more like it. Yes. Plunges his knife into wall. The jet of soda water comes out through rubber tube fixed and flat below door. The spout of the soda siphon is pushed in other end of rubber tube outside and at the cue. Got it. Got it. The water is squirted through. How damn. Confound. John immediately places his hand over tube and with his handkerchief stops the flow of water. Siphon is removed and placed on floor ready for next squirt of water. Help! Help! Help! Heard off. Tully dashes on door right and slamming door holds on to handle as if besieged. What's up? What's the matter with you? Tully, trembling all over. The maid doesn't recognize me without a mustache. She thinks I'm a burglar and she's chasing me with a poker. Chasing you? Yes, and if this woman gets in she'll bring us both. Come and help for heaven's sake. I can't let go here. Why not? I thought if I could cut the main electric cable and put out the lights next door that the doctor and trippard would be compelled to leave the flat. Good. Go on. Cut the cable. I have tried. I have tried. And I've cut the water pipe instead. It'll flood the place. Tully, still holding on to door. Oh, I'd do anything to get out of this. For heaven's sake, don't be so selfish. Just when everything's going so splendidly. Still holding on to water pipe. Aunt Hannah opens door left and just enters. Sees John and Tully and with a cry exits hurriedly. John and Tully both turn on each other. Don't do it. Don't do it. I didn't do anything. If you shout like that I shall have a fit in a moment. Well, we don't want to stand here all night. Can you reach that key out of the other door? I've told you I can't let go here. If this woman gets in our lives won't be worth having. Whatever made you engage such a brute. I can't live here alone without protection. What's her name? Ursula. Ursula. Give her a month's notice. No, I don't want to lose her. Women are no use unless they are mastered. I've always heard that it was best to avoid women who are mustard. Mastered? Not mustard. And take off those pajamas. And I ought to be playing the flute tonight down at the mission. Hanging your mission? I'm trying to think what I can do here. Learn me your handkerchief. I'll plug it up with mine and then tie it up. Tully waving his handkerchief. Catch, catch. How can I catch from here? Tully runs across with handkerchief. His pajama trousers round his ankles. Gives handkerchief to John. Then sits chair-center. You'll split those pajamas! Tully removing pajamas. This is the most awful afternoon I've ever had in my life. I shall never be the same man again. John ties up tube with handkerchief. There. That'll hold, I think. Now I'll go and cover your retreat. Crosses to right. Tully picking up telegram from table left center. Oh, here's a telegram. Telegrams always make me feel so nervous. Opens it and reads. It's from Aunt Hannah. She's coming up today. I've been expecting her for the last three weeks. I am the only relation she has, and in order to avoid the death duties, she's going to make a deed of gift to me amounting to several thousand pounds. Several thousand pounds? Now that is mean. Look at the trouble you've put me to. You might have lent me the money and so saved me a fortnight's illness. Tully rises. Will you accept the five hundred pounds from me? I suppose I must. That is good of you. Not at all. You have such a winning way with you. One can't help doing as you wish. Tully smiles broadly. Let's take in a great load off of my mind. The old lady is very generous. Directly she arrives. We must both be very nice to her. Trust me for that. And I can be nice when I like. I know you can. But what about the bus company? Oh, yes. I'll get you to go back and say I withdraw my claim. Yes, I'd love to do that. Picking up letter from table left center. I'll buy Mami a new necklace and tell Pam the whole truth that Mami is not your wife but your little bit of fluff named Agnes. No, I draw the line there. Mami's your fluff. You must shoulder that responsibility. But you're a single man. It doesn't matter about you. Oh, yes it does. I've got to think of my reputation down at the mission. Oh, hang your mission. Oh, dear. Becomes very serious as he reads letter. What's up? It's a letter from the motor bus company. Motor bus company? They're going to sue me. Sue you? What for? The fat woman who had three ribs broken says that I am liable. That my fall on her was premeditated and nothing to do with the accident. Oh, and listen to this. Reading. Our representative will have much pleasure in calling upon you this evening at seven o'clock. It's gone seven now. They're sending someone here tonight? Yes. Who will they send? Either Tripit or the doctor. They are both in the neighborhood. Then they may be here at any moment. But this is a simple matter now you've got the necessary money coming in. But which one will they send because it depends on that who you are and who I am? I'll get you to creep back and tell Pam that I withdraw my claim. Then if the doctor calls you must get back in time to see him and if Tripit calls I'll see Tripit. But that won't help me out if they are going to sue me possibly for hundreds. I'm not going to lend you this money unless I can see a clean sheet for myself. You got me into this mess? You must get me out of it. You are ungrateful. After all I've done for you. Are you going to lend me the 500 pounds or are you not? Certainly, but I didn't fall on top of this fat woman and I'm not going to be made to pay. You had the fun, you ought to suffer. John crosses to left and rings bail. Tully alarmed. What are you going to do? Do as you wish. I'm going to get you out of this trouble. I've rung for Ursula. Ursula. Ursula enters right holding poker at her side. Tully, business of trying to hide his lip. John crosses to door right. Oh, good evening Ursula. In his best manner. Ursula, abruptly. Evening. We want you to do us a favor if you will. A favor? Your body's closed just for now or so. What sort of clothes? Oh, nothing. White. Nothing under underhand. Just super clothes and if you do this your master will be very much obliged to you and he'll raise your wages. Business of Tully aghast. John motioning to him to keep quiet. I'll see. see. Exit Ursula door right. Tully rises and comes down center. John, what are you going to do? I think you will acknowledge this is an inspiration. These bus people think they are going to corner us. I can see their move, but you and I are far too smart for them. Tully, in doubt. Are we? It has only just struck me. That you are the living image of the fat old lady in the bus. Tully offended. Oh, John. Without the fat, of course. If you get into these clothes and pad yourself all round, no one will know the difference. No, I couldn't do that. It's illegal. I'm doing this to get you out of the pickle. I'm not doing it for my own sake. Please bear that in mind. But what good will it do? If the doctor or trippet calls here, I shall say that I am Tully, that is Tully's brother, that I have had an interview with the lady in the bus accident, and she is strongly of opinion that the bus company is liable. But they'll dispute it at once. Naturally. Then we are prepared. I shall just bring you into the room dressed as a lady, with nothing to do but to bear out my statement. No, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. Turns left. Bertram. I have an idea. An idea that wouldn't occur to one man in a million. Enter Ursula with bundle of clothes. Crosses to John. And you want to ignore it. Bertram. Bertram. Clothes. Gives clothes to John and exits store right. John takes clothes. Thank you, Ursula. Thank you. Gives clothes to Tully. The very thing. But you'll want a fearful lot of padding. You're so thin. He gathers up cushions from couch and arm chair and pushes them into Tully's arms. Here we are. Top hole. Beautiful padding. But John, what about a bodice? I must have a bodice. What do you want a bodice for? For all this part. Pointing to chest. I'll go and get a bodice off Ursula. Meanwhile you go into the bedroom and get into these clothes as quickly as you can. Shave your top lip clean. Don't forget the cushions. Arrange them diplomatically, you know. Come out and go in and all that sort of thing and I'll go and get the bodice. John exits store right. I don't know where a woman comes out and goes in. Stands looking ground hopelessly, then goes to door left. Opens store and is about to enter bedroom. Aunt Hannah screams off. Tully shuts store quickly. Rushes up to window left. Rush of falling flower pots hurt off right. Tully drops clothes, etc., and rushes to door right. Mamie enters window right center, breathless and excited. Oh, there you are, Bertie. Where's Jack? Where is he? Tully, coming center. Somewhere in the house. Is there anyone else in the house besides Jack? Only the maid and bogey. Bogey? Who's bogey? My little dog. Do you know that Mrs. Ayre still thinks I am your wife? Tully, wriggles and nods. Yes, I'm so sorry. What? I mean delighted. Wriggles again. Oh, don't wriggle. Things are far too serious for wriggling. You heard about the necklace that was lent to me by my friend the Raja? Yes, I have heard about it. And I want you, as my husband, to take the matter into your hands and tell Mrs. Ayre's that unless the necklace is returned to me at once, you will take proceedings. Oh, I couldn't do that. I don't call John. Going to door right. Mamie, pulling Tully back. No, don't call John. It's only natural, if you are supposed to be my husband, that you should help me in this matter. And if you don't, you'll get it in the neck, right where the chicken got the axe. On the verge of tears, she crosses and sits center, searching in her handbag for letter. Just read this letter. It's from the Raja. I've never had such things said to me in my life. Tully, patting back of chair. Don't cry, child, don't cry. Where did I put it? In my bag? No. Rising. I remember. I put it in my dress for safety. Oh, oh. Would you mind unhooking my dress at the back, please? Tully. Very embarrassed. Really, I'm a single man. Well, these are single hooks. Tully crosses to door right. I'll call John. Please don't call John. Tully calling through door and whistling. I must have someone in the room. Bogey, bogey, bogey. Bertie, Bertram, come here. Bertram going towards her. I want to show you something very important. Tully backing away from her. I'll take your word for it. It's the Rajah's letter. Just the top two hooks, please, as quickly as you can. Approaching Tully with her shoulder towards him. Really, I don't understand. I'm quite an obvious. Mamie, annoyed. You don't want me to tear the thing off. Tully advancing timidly. For heaven's sake, don't do that. We'll pull up your socks, Bertie, and undo the top one. Tully pulls up his socks. What are you doing? Pulling my socks up. Mamie, sidelined up to him. Go on, the top one. Tully unfastens the top hook. Oh, that's better. Trying to get letter from Bottice. Now the next one. No, no more. Mamie, sweetly. Now the next one. Tully, shaking head decisively. No more. Do please, Bertie dear. Bertie, darling. Bertie, sweetheart. Tully smiles broadly and giggles. Well, just this one. No more after that. No, no more after that. Tully giggles. They are nice little hooks, shall I go any further? No, not at present. Secures letter. I've got it. Just read that. Crash of flower pots off right. It's the Raja. Very frightened. No, more flower pots. Going up to window right. More creepers. And a loud whisper. It's Mrs. Ayers. I'll hide here and listen. Come and hide me, Bertie. Mamie crouches down at foot of table left center, behind Tully. Pamela enters window right. Pamela, coming down center. Oh, Mr. Tully, where is John? He's very busy with my maid. With your maid? Yes, he's trying to get some clothes off her. Pamela, annoyed. What? Trying to borrow some clothes, I should say. John enters from door right, sees Pamela, and exits hurriedly. Mamie tickles Tully's legs. Well, someone must come at once. Mr. Tripit refuses to leave the flat until he has seen John, and the doctor is coming round your door. Tully, crossing to right towards Pamela. But John is going to withdraw his claim against the company, and I'm going to tell Mr. Tripit so. Then please come at once. Tully and Pamela go up. Stop! Before you go, I'd like you to ask Mrs. Ayres to give me back my necklace. Below table left center standing. I've already told you, Mrs. Tully, that this necklace does not belong to you. To Tully. And please ask your wife to apologize. Goes down right. Tully crosses to Mamie. Miss Scott, Miss Fluff. Banks hand on table and adopts an authoritative tone. My wife, will you apologize? Mamie, round sharply to Tully. Certainly not. Tully collapses in chair. You know as well as I do that that necklace does not belong to Mrs. Ayres. Please ask her to return it to me. Tully crosses to Pamela. Mrs. Ayres, will you please return the necklace to Mrs. or Mrs. Wife? I shall do nothing in the matter until I've seen John. Tully crosses to Mamie. She will do nothing in the matter. Mamie, pushing Tully upstage. Out of my way. Tully watching his opportunity works up to Wendow, picks up clothes and cushions and steals out by Wendow right. Mamie crosses to Pamela. No, Mrs. Ayres. That necklace was lent to me and its real owner is waiting at the door of your flat. If I don't take it back to him at once, you'll have the police on your track. Am I to take it back or not? Pamela hesitates. You refuse? You refuse? Pamela hands necklace to Mamie. Oh, very well. Take it to him. Process to writing desk up left. I don't want a vulgar scene over a paltry 30-shilling necklace. Sits. 30 shillings? That shows how much you know and also that this necklace cannot possibly be your property. I'm sorry you made such a mistake. Going up to Wendow right. 30 shillings? That's really good. I must tell the Rajah that. Exit Mamie Wendow right, laughing loudly. Pamela rushes to door left, opens it. John! John! Aunt Hannah screams. Pamela closes door, rushes across to door right. Ursula enters door right, holding poker in hand and looking very formidable, she advances in a threatening manner. Pamela starts with a little cry inside of Ursula and backs up to Wendow right, trembling with fear. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? I beg your pardon. I was looking for my husband. Well, he's not here. He's not here. No, I'm sure he wouldn't be. Exit Wendow right, calling, John! John! Ursula opens door right and beckons. It's all right. You can come in now, little man. All gone. John, entering. Thank you Ursula, thank you. John is carrying a bodice. Ursula gives John the glad eye and exits with a little backward kick of the leg. John crosses to door left, opens it and throws bodice into bedroom. Here you are, it's the best she's got. Aunt Hannah screams off. Eh? What's that? Speak up, I can't hear. Crossing to door right. Aunt Hannah enters. John turns and bursts into laughter mistaking Aunt Hannah for Tully in disguise. You dare not attack a woman, even if you are a burglar. With fear and anger. Excellent. Splendid. The very thing. I shouldn't have known you. I want to leave this house. You are the living image of the fat old woman in the bus. I am the lady who was in the bus, sir. And I know you. I know you now. You were the coward who wanted to save his own skin so cruelly tried to crush me. Good, good. If you only keep it up like that you'll be splendid. I tell you sir, I had three of my ribs broken. Ribs? Oh, you don't look as if you had any ribs. You are all cushions. Digging Aunt Hannah in the ribs. Aunt Hannah screams. Oh, oh. Up to table. Oh, my poor sight. Oh, my poor heart. Oh, my poor sight. Oh, my poor heart. Don't make me laugh. You've got the funniest mug I've ever seen and you do go out and come in a lot more come in than go out. I'm going to leave this house, sir and if you attempt to stop me I'll call for the police. Tries to pass John. He stops her. If you jump about like that your clothes will fall off. Ouch! Ouch! Turns up stage. Oh, you ought to see her back for you. How dare you. How dare you. Bell rings off right. John, over to Aunt Hannah. Hark. That may be our man. Pull yourself together. Don't you touch me. Stop it you idiot. Don't forget if that's the doctor you're here to discuss the bus accident with me. Now go into that bedroom and come out till I call you. I wish to leave this house. John opens door left and is pushing Aunt Hannah off gradually. Come on, don't play the giddy ox. Pushes her into bedroom. Can-o, can-o. Don't you touch me. How dare you. Oh, oh. Exit. John bangs the door after her. Ursula enters door right. What is it? What is it? Dr. Bigeland to see the master. Dr. Bigeland, good. Show him in. Exit Ursula door right. Who am I? I know. I'm Tully. No, I'm not. I'm Tully's brother. Tully's twin brother. Stand center, braces himself up and removes mustache. Ursula enters announcing. Dr. Bigeland. Dr. enters. Ursula exits. Yes, I expected something of this kind. John reserves mock dignity. I haven't the pleasure of your acquaintance. You are Mr. Tully. Tully is my name. Hadn't I the pleasure of meeting you a short while ago next door? No, that was my brother. Your brother? Good heavens. What a likeness. We're often mistaken for each other. If the true facts of the case were known I believe we were very nearly twins. Remarkable. I apologize. Not at all. But didn't my brother tell you it was my brother? I mean, didn't he tell you it was me? He said it was his brother who was in the motor-bus accident. Quite correct. The object of my visit is in reference to that matter. Will you take a seat? I thank you. Sits by table-left centre. Now, as regards yourself, at the time of the accident there was a lady in the bus who had three ribs broken, and we understand that this was caused by your fall on top of the lady. Yes, but I make no claim against the lady. No, but the lady wishes to make a claim against you. I don't think so. The lady herself is here now and quite ready to deny your allegations against me. Goes to door-left. Doctor rises, places hat on chair he has been sitting on and goes right. You can come in. Aunt Hannah enters with timid little jerks. Aside to Aunt Hannah. It's the doctor. Aunt Hannah, tearfully. Oh! Oh! It's Dr. Bigeland. Crosses to doctor. John rubs hands with great satisfaction. Now, my dear lady, calm yourself. Remember what I told you. You must keep calm. You see the poor woman's nerves are shattered and all through riding in your beastly buses. Signals to Aunt Hannah to be quiet to which she pays no heed. Doctor to Aunt Hannah. You know this gentleman who was in the bus accident with you? Yes, and I live in fear of him. That's quite all right. There's nothing to be frightened of. Now sit down. Sit down and compose yourself. Aunt Hannah backs up to chair center is about to sit on doctor's hat. Doctor rushes up and snatches hat away. Oh! Not on my hat. Places hat on table down right. Aunt Hannah jumps up on doctor's shout throws arms around John's neck. John pushes her into chair center. Oh dear! Dear! Dear! Oh! Now I understand. You wish to thrash out this matter of the accident. Taking notebook from pocket. John crosses to doctor. Yes, we are both desirous that it should be cleared up, aren't we? Doctor, I am. John looks over doctor's shoulder and watches him writing. Will you begin? No, I will not begin. I will hear what the lady has to say and make my report. Good. Signalling to Aunt Hannah. Well, madam, the doctor and I have been discussing the matter and he is under the impression that you think that I am to blame for the injury you have suffered. Now I want you to prove to him that such is not the case. But it is the case. John starts. The doctor is quite right. Doctor makes notes. John, business of shaking his head at Aunt Hannah and signalling. I say the doctor thinks that I was to blame and I want you to deny this scandalous accusation. Signals. I can't deny it. But you don't understand. I beg to state that I do understand. Aunt Hannah holds finger up. John smacks her hand. John frowning and signalling. Let me explain. A short while ago when you and I were discussing this matter you agreed with me that the bus company and they alone were responsible for your injuries. I did not agree with you in any way. It's a wicked falsehood. Exactly as I thought. John to Aunt Hannah. You silly fool. Oh, I beg your pardon. Think, think. Didn't you distinctly say you were going to sue the bus company? Notting yes to Aunt Hannah. Aunt Hannah, rising and crossing to couch left. I don't remember discussing the matter with you at all, sir. Then the accident must have affected your memory. Aside to Aunt Hannah. You half-witted idiot. You'll spoil everything. And abuse will certainly not make me alter my decision. Doctor, crossing centre. Now, my dear lady, you are firmly of the opinion that the injury you sustained was due to the premeditated action of this gentleman when riding on one of the company's vehicles. That is my case exactly. Doctor makes notes. John Frantic. Very well. And the amount of damages you claim? I claim. John threatens her with his fist. I claim. I... I claim. I claim. What do you claim? I claim. John threatens her. Five hundred pounds. Five hundred pounds. Doctor writes in book. The fury is threatening to strike Aunt Hannah. Doctor turns and catches him. They both bow. Doctor writes in book again. John bangs back of couch. Aunt Hannah starts with a shriek. Doctor starts also. Now, sir. Are you prepared in any way to accept this liability? John, write up to Doctor furiously. No. Most certainly not. Doctor closing book and crossing right. Then there's nothing more to be said. John crossing to Doctor. Oh, yes there is. I'm a little smarter than you imagine and I can tell you something. That isn't a woman you've been talking to. That's a man. Aunt Hannah very indignant. Doctor laughs. Oh, you can laugh. You can laugh, but I can prove it. Aunt Hannah screams. Very nervous. You can do what, sir? Prove it. Not in my presence you don't. Doctor exits hurriedly. John rushes to door right and with his back against it glares at Aunt Hannah. Aunt Hannah rising in terror. Don't you look at me like that, sir. Don't you look at me like that. Take off those pads. Pads? Take off those pads. I don't wear pads. John advancing on Aunt Hannah. You cheat. You dirty little turncoat to make a fool of me like that. Aunt Hannah jumping round table left center to right. Don't you touch me, sir. Don't you touch me. Take off those rags or I'll thrash you. Grabs at her skirt which he tears off leaving Aunt Hannah in a very pronounced petticoat. John pushes Aunt Hannah till she falls onto couch down left. Enter Pamela from window right center. John! John! I'm surprised at you treating a woman like that. Crosses to Aunt Hannah kneeling by her. A woman? Gases into Aunt Hannah's face. Oh, good Lord. It's a woman. Sinks into chair right of table left center. Yes, a woman. There, there, calm yourself, calm yourself. To John. Mr. Tully told me you were trying to get clothes off someone. Where is Tully? I left him in our flat. He was telling Mr. Trippit that you withdraw your claim. John, she's fainted. Rises, looks round. Get some water, get some water, John. Pamela goes up behind table left center looking for water. I haven't the thingest idea where to get water. I don't know this beastly flat. Suddenly thinks of waterspout. Ah, I know. Stand back, Pam. Stand back. Gets hold of tube waterspout. John takes the plugged handkerchief from wall and the water pipe squirts directly onto Aunt Hannah's face. John plugs the pipe again and crosses to Aunt Hannah, assisting her to rise. Aunt Hannah, when water falls on her, screams and makes movement with arms as if swimming. Why, who are you? I'm Mr. Tully's aunt. Mr. Tully's aunt? Yes, I'm Aunt Hannah. Aunt Hannah. Go and look after her, Pam. Pamela picks up Aunt Hannah's skirt and assists Aunt Hannah off door left. Aunt Hannah muttering until off. Exit Aunt Hannah and Pamela down left. John, dazed and gazing at door. Another 500 gone. Tully, off window right center. Everything's going splendidly, everything's going splendidly. Tully enters window right center, comes right down center and faces audience. He is dressed in woman's clothes which are much too big for him and is padded out with the cushions. John looks up, sees Tully. Take it away, take it away, you're too late. Don't I look alright? Alright, you look more like a goat than a woman. I thought I looked like a little bit of fluff. What's happened? Turns to John. Do you realize that the stout, lady in the bus accident was your aunt? Tully, going up to John. The fat woman was Aunt Hannah? How do you know this? How do you know this? Because she is here now, in your bedroom. Really, you've seen her? John nods. Have you been very nice to the old lady? Nice. I should have seen what I did to her. Oh, it's not as bad as all that, Shirley. Enter Pamela. Tully picks up skirts and dashes off door right. Pamela, laughing. What's that? John, crossing to Pamela. That's Tully. I think he's gone mad. Pamela, crossing right. And so has Mrs. Tully. Do you know she swore to the pearl necklace that she, to me, belonged to her? Did she really? Yes, I can't help laughing. I gave it to her. John, starting. You gave her the necklace? Pamela, laughing. Yes, I certainly didn't want a scene with a woman like that. John goes mad with delight. Dances down left. Ha, ha, ha, you gave it to her. You gave it to her. The rush has got it back again. The rush has got it back again. Don't give way, John. Ha, ha, ha, I must give way. Still dancing. But you don't know what I gave her. I didn't give her the real necklace. John stops dancing. I was wearing the imitation, one that cost 30 showings. John, his spirit's down to zero. You gave her the imitation one? Yes. Are you sure? Yes, I have the real one here. It has a crown on the clasp. Show's necklace. See? She realizes her mistake. John, John, I've, I've given her the real one. I remember now. I changed it at Mother's. I did change it. John, I've given her the real necklace. Burst into tears and sits right center. This is all round the room with joy. Then over to Pamela. There, there, dear, don't go mad. It can be helped. We all make mistakes. Something must be done. This will kill Mother. We must chance that. Pamela, starting up. Couldn't Mr. Tuley get the necklace back for me? No, impossible. Impossible? Why? John takes Pamela's arm confidentially. I'll tell you a secret, Pam. Tuley's a wrongan. A wrongan? Yes, he's a dark horse, and I'll tell you something else. That isn't Mrs. Tuley. That's Tuley's little weakness. It calls her Agnes, and that's the type of man Mr. Tuley is. Pamela, with a knowing knot of the head. I had my suspicions. Then perhaps there's time for me to catch her before she finds the Raja. She rushes off Windows' right center. Come back, Pam. Come back. Exit Pamela. Enter Aunt Hannah door left, without her hat. Where is my nephew, sir? Where is my nephew? Ah, Aunt Hannah. He's afraid to meet you until you forgive me for all I've done. There's been a most absurd mistake caused by your likeness to Bertram. If you'll only let me explain. Really, I don't think it matters. Looking at her wet clothes. But you've no idea what a wonderful likeness there is. Except, of course, you look the younger. Oh, no, I don't. Coily. Oh, yes, you do. Oh, no, I don't. Then all is forgiven. Why, of course. Tuley runs on from door right, sees Aunt Hannah. Aunt Hannah. Pamela. Over to her. Kisses her. Bertie, my boy. My boy. Pamela enters from Windows' right center. John, it's too late. The Rajah's gone and taken the necklace with him. Thank heaven. And I'll save up your money and buy you another. And that's the truth. But you always do tell me the truth, John. But in future I'm going to tell you better truth. And now we can go home in safety. Pamela and John going up to Windows' right center. Oh, Bertram, where are you going? I'm going to take Auntie down to the mission. Then good night. Exit Pamela and John Windows' right center. Bertie, I'll just go and put my bonnet on. Exit Aunt Hannah door left. Mamie pits head round door right. Bertie. Oh. Mamie enters and over to Telly. I've got rid of the Rajah. Will you take me out to supper? Certainly not. Don't be unkind. I couldn't dream of such a thing. Oh, Bertie, why not? I've promised to take Auntie down to the mission. Tell Auntie you're going on a much nicer mission. You will come. Say yes. Bertie. Bertie. Bertie. Telly, suddenly making up his mind to take the plunge. Oh, Fluffy. Telly kisses Mamie excitedly. He moves head quickly to and from Mamie's cheek, more like pecs than kisses. Ursula enters from door right. Aunt Hannah from door left. Pamela and John from Windows' right center. All enter simultaneously and seeing Telly kissing Mamie, they exit simultaneously with varied exclamations and expressions. Curtain. End of Act 3. End of A Little Bit of Fluff by Walter W. Ellis.