 Hey, if you want to see me perform stand-up, I'll be at QED the Saturday night October 10th at 1145. It's a free show Swing on by if you're visiting Manhattan get on the train to Queens. It's the last stop Dittmar Boulevard If you live in Astoria or you know somebody who lives in Queens or Astoria, which are the same thing Tell them to come see me at QED Friday night at 1145 October 10th for a free stand-up show featuring some of the funniest stand-ups in New York City now on with the show on today's show Frank Conniff's birthday celebration continues With the gift of Eddie Pepitone Then we meet comedy writing legend John Max for the past 30 years He's written on the Academy Awards every year he wrote on the Tonight Show for 26 years and He's also a political consultant who's best friends with James Carville and David Axelrod and Currently sits on the board of directors of Politicon which opens today Friday October 9th in Los Angeles at the LA Convention Center. This is a really interesting show Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman on today's program Frank Conniff Eddie Pepitone my good friend gay blacks a hysterical comedy writers stop by we talk about the news and Then John Max who I've been trying to get on this show for five years phones in to tell us about Politicon John Max is fascinating. He wrote for the Tonight Show from the time Jay Leno took over to the time Jay Leno left He's written on the Academy Awards for the past 20 years on the Emmys for the past 20 years He writes on every award show and celebration. He also has a new book out called monologue What makes America laugh before bed? Which you should buy we'll talk about what's happening at Politicon and whether or not Comic-con can be given a run for its money a couple things. I want to go over with you before we get to the show As always we have premium content this week. We're gonna pull a classic episode from the show featuring Eddie Pepitone and Frank Conniff working their magic. I think Steve Rosenfeld wrote this. These are some of the sketches we used to do back in L.A. Over Kpfk We're moving books on Amazon. I've mentioned this before so what I would like you to do is buy John Max's new book Monologue what makes America laugh before bed by going to the David Feldman show website? You'll see some Amazon banners click on them and then do all your Amazon shopping via the David Feldman show website We get a small percentage of everything you buy and by the way my conversation with John Max is coming up in about an hour And another way to support the show is to buy our premium content We charge two dollars and fifty cents per premium episode But you can get it for free by becoming a monthly subscriber for only five dollars a month You can gain access to all our premium content for free. We accept all major credit cards Go to David Feldman show dot com and sign up and you'll be supporting an important show Like this today's episode pretty important pretty funny pretty great pretty informative Also, we need you to subscribe to our show on iTunes or Stitcher and give us a good review on iTunes and Stitcher When you give us a good review on iTunes according to the algorithm as explained to me by Greg Fitzsimmons It moves us up the ladder Downloads are important streaming is important sharing our episodes is important But part of the algorithm that moves us up and makes us more popular is a good review on iTunes Just give us a good review. That's a great way to help us. Tell your friends to give us a good review We're not stuffing the ballot box here We're just asking you to give us a thumbs up on iTunes because it gets our show out in front of more people I just want to remind you we have a great episode with Judy Judy Gold earlier this week So many people have emailed me and told me how much they enjoyed it It's just me and Judy Gold sitting around her apartment as she's getting ready to go do a benefit for homelessness Hosted by Charles Groten It's a great episode. I just recommend that you download that it's the episode before this Okay on today's show Eddie Pepitone Frank Conniff gay blacks and John Max. Let's get right to it Frank Conniff is here. You know him from Pothouse 90 the John Fugelsang show which is on Sirius X and what is the channel that it's called? Insight because we provide none and It's channel 121 and we're on two to five eastern time and we have a birthday present for you I've heard I I spent like months since my birthday, but I keep getting presents. It's my last time you were here We got you Andy kindler right a day Gabe lacks is here. Hello. We worked on the Jack and Trime show together We did and you're gonna be sitting in today and hopefully again and we're gonna be talking about the Oregon shootings hurricane Joaquin All right, we just We missed that we missed out on that but fortunately I first Mexican you're here for for Hurricane Sandy. That was pretty bad That was horrible. Yeah We missed out on Hurricane Joaquin apparently we were in the II of the store Sorry Okay, as if I wouldn't have tweeted that Funniest tweeter in the world you are and you write columns on Facebook and You're a brilliant comedian Couple of things couple of things Ariana Huffington who we have spoken very highly of yes show We it's been our dream since we started to be aggregated by her And have her use our content without paying us They are celebrating their 10th birthday. Oh and Ten years and it's finally learning how to write the Huffington post It's very popular ten-year anniversary the editor editorial set of the Huffington post says that they're gonna unionize Okay, well, that's good. That's good. Yeah, so she made four hundred million dollars selling it to AOL She owns stock in the new company and then Verizon just bought AOL for 4.4 billion dollars So she's made Easily half a billion dollars. Yeah, she's made so and she had a lot of money beforehand because she in her divorce settlement with her Used to be secretly gay Republican husband who was super rich so she was already rich before Huffington post even started You would think before the Huffington post the bastion of liberalism jump the shark They would have already been union, but now they're thinking of becoming Union mmm ten years of the you know writing about the importance of unions Finally they're getting around to it Yeah, well, I think that's happening with a few other websites, too And maybe we're finally getting to the point where people are looking at writing for the web as an actual Profession for years. It's just been oh do it for free. It's good exposure, you know You just get a you don't get a check you get an envelope in the mail with a slip of paper that says it's good exposure Gawker is going union right? I think they were the first website like this to really have a big union push Right and porn hub is thinking of going. Oh good. It's about time So it may have some great journalism on porn hub. I hope they don't start charging for squirter videos I'm I'm my giving I'm giving my jizz bargaining rights By the way, the drought everything is on the table literally The drought in California is so bad governor brown has declared a moratorium on squirter videos They're asking people that's how bad it is. That's how bad it is and he's asked that People refrain from when when you're assisting someone in a suicide, which is legal there now don't drown them I Well the Russians have entered Syria Mm-hmm. I've heard yeah, and you know we always have money for bombs. We're bombing Syria, too We're bombing our own people. Yeah, and There's a whole refugee problem. We've helped to create mm-hmm But thank God for Kickstarter. Uh-huh President Obama has Started a Kickstarter campaign to help the refugees seriously. Yep fizzers to the site Can pledge $15 for a sleeping bag 70 for an emergency rescue kit and $160 to be listed as a producer of the refugee crisis And your name in the credit name in the credit So we have money to bomb and create refugees that we have no problem with right, but we have to do a Kickstarter campaign To help the the refugees that is that is some messed up stuff right there It's almost like our priorities are all screwed. Yeah, it's gonna be terrible when we find out It's really just a push for Obama to make his web series about 20-somethings in Brooklyn With an all Syrian refugee that I would contribute to I mean, I think we all would Build Cosby, uh-huh apparently. He's not a good guy. I I really I I revere him I I look up to him as do the women who are sleep They look they have to look up to them because they passed out They only report the latest victims, but they're going after him Uh-huh as have you been following? No, I kind of I know that more women have come forward but like a lot of things in Topical of it you just kind of grow weary and you move on he's being deposed for weary as as his dates do Cosby's gonna appear in the Los Angeles County Superior Court on Friday to testify under oath that he Forced a woman a not a woman a girl 15-year-old girl Judy Huth To perform sex with him. I believe at the Playboy mansion Mm-hmm, and the issue is whether or not that's gonna be sealed. Mm-hmm He's gonna testify that he did do it. He there's a he's being Deposed and so I would assume he's gonna go in to say he didn't do it right right. Yeah, right And but he's being sued by her Then there's a well least he has finally has a reason to leave his house You know and he's and somebody's gonna put him on television. It's gonna be televised. Yeah, so who finally she's Chris back on track Yeah, TAA is already calling him back Chloe Goins a model has filed a lawsuit this week in federal court in California She says that mr. Cosby drugged and raped her at the Playboy mansion in 2008 when she was 18 So that's another rape at the Playboy mansion and mr. Cosby is facing a rash well That bad choice of words Facing defamation cases brought by three women in Massachusetts and a couple in California So is he gonna go to prison does he end I doubt if he'll ever end up in prison, but Yeah, I don't know but you know it's it's I Will say this that you know, I can understand how if you're at the Playboy mansion like you really need some extra help to get laid But that's the whole crazy thing is it's not That's his preferred method. It's you know, he could have slept with as many women as he has slept with by just Coming on to them and bringing them back to his room, but that's not what he was into He was into making them pay obviously, you know, he's into making them pass out and that's that's his thing It is heartening that it does seem like there will be some legal repercussion. Yeah I think there was a sense of resignation for a while that here's this monstrous person Yeah, because of the fame and power he had would be untouched You know certainly not untouchable in the court of public opinion, but that he'd never really face any Yeah actionable legal consequences It was like his his punishment was gonna be you know, he was once this revered figure and now he's Reached utter disgrace, which right must be awful for him But he's living in luxury and and you know, he's living a very comfortable life. So it isn't really an appropriate punishment Is he into women being passed out is that the I'm getting I'm getting that impression But what if the women said yes, uh-huh would he have to knock them out? Is that the kink that they're not I think that's his thing. I think You know it be because otherwise It's hard to explain why he would do that all the time, you know why he would feel the need to It's some kind of like I don't know if if kink is the right word. It's some kind of sick sociopathic Impulse on his part now Vince champ. Mm-hmm a rapist who's currently doing time. Mm-hmm. He Travels he'll be opening for Cosby at the prison talent show He used to close his rape with pray for me. Did you know baby? I didn't know that. Yeah, that was his after That's that was his signature when he would get the light And wrap it up. Yes. Mm-hmm and all the women who he had raped Said that he ended by saying pray for me. Oh, wow, that's how they were all able to identify him The Pope was in town last And he kept telling people to pray for him Well, I you know, I think he's he's funnier than Vince champ And by the way, I heard I never saw I never worked Did you ever cross paths with the pope with no with it with Vince champ? No Because I heard that he was like Cosby a very clean wholesome Stand-up comedian, you know that tells you something and he never cursed during his rapes No, neither did Cosby. Yeah, you know, he doesn't he doesn't believe he thinks that's vulgar He didn't rape blue. No Yeah, so let's let me just go over a couple of other things that I find in the news that are interesting And then we'll get to the important stuff Okay And 11 year old boy is in custody on charges he killed an eight-year-old neighbor with a shotgun because she would not show him her puppies Now that's that's not right. I'm just gonna say an 11-year-old boy You're living here first an 11-year-old boy killed his 12-year-old brother in eastern, Ohio today Where the man they were with had gone target shooting? mm-hmm and the the man left three loaded weapons on a picnic table mm-hmm and The 11-year-old picked up one of them and shot his brother Accidentally or on purpose well Does it matter well? Not well the yeah, the kid is dead either way, but you know if it but the that other story was the kid doing it on purpose, right? Well puppies are cute so We have a army veteran who survived I guess Iraq and Afghanistan mm-hmm and Almost didn't survive Oregon mm-hmm. He tried to come to the aid of These students mm-hmm last week and shot multiple times and he was hospitalized He had a gun mm-hmm Yeah, which according to Ben Carson and all the Republicans that should have meant that The tragedy would have been averted. That's I wish I was making this up That's their answer to all of these shootings is everybody has to arm themselves now And that's what you want during a shooting you want just so that way when the police do show up or an army veteran Who knows what he's doing mm-hmm and everybody's firing guns in the heat of a moment You can discern who the bad guy is and the good guy is right how well as we've seen in every shooting There's no other way to stop it I think that's how every single one has ended is a guy with the gun standing and you hear a lot of the gun People say and someone Tweeted it to me the other day well, you know We'll your family way to your family an intruder comes into your house and and you have to protect yourself with a gun And and and how many stories are there of that happening? I don't think hardly any of an intruder coming into a house and then getting Shot by the person who's protecting the family But there are many stories of people committing suicides with guns in their homes or of accidents happening with guns in homes or if domestic Domestic arguments and abuse ending with with someone getting shot in a home. So every day 55 people kill themselves with a gun Mm-hmm, and the answer is that the voice in your head telling you not to kill yourself Also needs a gun so can shoot a gun out of a hand of the voice telling you to kill yourself The only thing that can stop a depressed person with a gun Is it not depressed? conscience with a gun Yeah, the guns Trump came to the defense of Ben Carson. I guess Carson didn't know about the army veteran. Well, he was pointed out to him on Fox news and he goes. Yeah, that's exactly my point which made no sense he literally said that and And then of course he wasn't challenged on it and they moved on you know, so Ben Carson by the way It occurred to me that like what if you know all this stuff about Hillary's emails like what if in Searching through all her emails They found something she wrote that was anything at all like what these people are saying out loud out in the open Like if there was an email of her saying, you know, why don't kids who were shot? Why don't they just defend themselves? You know, why don't they just rush if they found that in a Hillary email? It would be the smoking gun It would be the smoking exactly It would be like the number one story and and Chuck Todd and Joe Scarborough would talk about it for months And and in this case, they're saying it out loud out in the open and it's you know They comment on it, but then it's just they move on to the next story like the day or two later Well, yeah, Ben Carson is getting roughed up a little Trump came to his defense His people of color have to stick together How how is Trump these how are these two idiots so successful in their chosen fields? I mean these are respected because there's a lot of I think You know, I hate to say it but you kind of have to be an idiot to be a Republican primary voter, I guess, you know, it's like the people who they're appealing to in these primary states Trump and Carson are number one and number two. I'm talking about They're chosen fields of profession. In other words, he's a neurosurgeon brain surgeon Trump is Billion yeah, but Trump is not in terms of his profession Trump is not anywhere near as impressive as Ben Carson because it's it's someone figured out that Donald Trump started out as a young man He started out with 40 million dollars that he inherited his his dad left 200 million to his kids and Trump out of that got 40 million and Someone figured out that if he had merely just invested that money in the stock market all this time He'd have the same amount of money that he really now. Yes. Wow. Yeah, so that ever declaring bankruptcy for yes Exactly. So the idea that he's some kind of a financial wizard, you know He started out with a lot of money And it's not the most impressive thing in the world to start out with a lot of money and to and to make more of it Oh, he's he's the best in the country at having a rich dad. Yes, exactly Exactly, so he's but Ben Carson is a mystery that they should have done on the Cosby That he can be literally a Brilliant brain surgeon who I believe he was the first person to separate can join twins or something I mean he did like amazing amazing things his story he came up from nothing and He's obviously a brilliant and yet. He's a dumb shit or maybe the real dr. Ben Carson is tied up somewhere This is an imposter Yeah, that's that would that would have been another great episode of the Cosby mysteries And maybe it's not that difficult to separate conjoined twins. I don't know well He you know it turns out actually that if he had just invested his money in the stock market He could have separated the conjoined He could have separated quintuplets. Yes, exactly. Are there ever quintuplets who were attached? Oh, I don't know You never hear of that well if there are been Carson will separate them Would you let Ben Carson operate on you would you let him do a tummy tuck? I probably would I don't I don't really care about the political affiliation of the person Operating on me as long as they're they're good and obviously Ben Carson is good at what he does It's just that when I come out of the operation. I don't want him to talk to me Although maybe it would put me back to sleep so you know Um if the whole if he doesn't become president, he really should put out his own line of falling asleep tapes Exactly listen to you know Ben Carson is so stupid When they're putting you under before the operation He asks you account forward from one to ten because he figures nobody can do it backwards Because he's stupid. Yeah I don't know what that means Well, I mean Ben Carson does make me feel good about myself because now I think that maybe I'm secretly a brilliant heart surgeon And yeah, never he's killed. He's killed the whole. Uh, well, he's no brain surgeon thing Well that now that means oh, maybe he's really smart if he's no brain surgeon great boom for rocket scientists. I'm sure this Well, there's there's probably uh idiotic rocket scientists too Yeah, the ones who are shooting the rockets from uh, Moscow into Syria, but didn't they miss they hit a ran right? Oh, that's what I heard. Yeah We're gonna find out that Marco Rubio can put together a v2 missile And that's the time So the mother Of the shooter Had aspergers Miss harper And she was pro-gun Obviously. Yeah And one of the things she used to do before the shooter was born in the womb, you know, because she's right wing So she had a fully formed human being inside of her When she was carrying him She would read him The art of the deal by donald trump. Is that true? Yeah I'm not making that up. Oh really? That's she read the art of the deal To don't have written by donald trump to her son who ended up shooting everybody in Oregon. Wow and She had did she use a gun during pregnancy because that's dangerous for the baby. I heard Yes, lead poisoning is very dangerous Depends what doctor you're talking. Dr. Ben Carson is the one out of 10 who disagrees Suppose she had aborted that kid with one of her glocks Then would the right wing be okay with well, no, they you know, they don't they don't They don't you know, Marco rubio who who the press is presenting. Oh, he's the mainstream guy, you know, he's the reasonable one He believes in no exemptions For for abortions including in rape and incest. So, you know, that's That's where those people are at. This is what miss harper Wrote about her son. He's no babbling idiot nor is his life worthless. He's very intelligent And he's working on a career in filmmaking. Mm-hmm. Oh that made now it's all starting to make sense He wanted to uh I've always said um because I've met a lot of like open mic acts Through the years and I've always felt that open mics have saved lives because They've given an outlet to people who otherwise would be tower shooters, you know, right? Can you call can you say that the people at open mics though are truly alive? Uh, and in fact, this uh, this was a bringer shooting so Oh my god So she was like, you know, sarah palin. Yeah a crazy nut. Yeah, I keep to this what she wrote on her blog Her mommy blog I keep two two full mags in my glock case And the ars and the ak's have all been loaded No one will be dropping by my house uninvited without acknowledgement This is what he came for the husband who divorced her 10 years ago He's sane. Yeah, he's he came out and said that uh He did a very anti-gun thing But then I think ben karsten said that the father was the one responsible for the whole thing. I believe that was uh Governor jindal. Oh jindal. Yeah, bobby jindal. Yeah, I get my my bad shit republicans mixed up sometimes That's the thing is you can so go so deep That's how the republicans that's how the republicans now are reaching out to the female vote They blame the father right and so the mother. Yes When you know the mother is a dumb bitch, you know, she should absolutely We have a birthday gift coming up. Yeah. Hi Lucy and statin island. You have a question for frank connor Yes, um, mr. Conniff. Why are are you picking on that certain people? Uh, you know, you're basically you come from the left. Is that correct? Uh, yeah, that's a fair thing to say You know in statin island, uh, we're so up to the earth. You know that, right? Yep And uh, we feel like you're You know, you're picking on salt of the earth Well, my doctor told me I need less salt in my diet. So I think it's Works for uh, you know, you don't have to pull rank on me because I'm from the working class Uh, you know by saying my doctor this my doctor that I get it you you've been Or you know people have been educated Uh, I I live by instincts and and wits. I'm lucy patron No, I mean, I hear you're other people laughing too. It's a big left-wing ha ha Is that what it is over there? Hey, ha ha Yeah, we're all swimming. We're all swimming in shit in statin island. You know that, right? Yeah, yeah You know that and all you care about are our italian restaurants, right? And you make fun of our accent Oh, the statin island there and I hear you know, and your take on movies is absurd to me. It's absurd Your take on house. Oh, this movie is good. This movie's bad To me, it's just amazing It's just amazing that these things get made Now I'm being serious, you know, I hear the laughter again, and I think oh fuck statin island Let's fuck statin island No, I don't feel that way You don't know sorry about I um Sometimes um, I I like to go to statin island and visit it and then I come back to new york And then you want come back to new york Yeah, and I and I sense I sense there's a sarcasm there and I'll tell you something If I could find you if I could find you I would throttle you Now lucy from statin island is lucy your last name or your first name It's my first name And why and that's another funny thing to the left wing is that a man A man can't have a name like lucy Uh, oh the left wing considers that a ball a laugh um You know lucy my my parents were disoriented constantly because of an inner ear thing and they named me They named me inappropriately and uh, you know Uh, that's part of living on statin island. There's a lot of disorientation. There's a lot of Uh, inappropriateness, but with salt to the earth and we produce uh decent cold cuts Does it worry you that With the first name lucy that people think you name that way in solidarity with eric garner Oh Yes, that is partly um That is partly true. He was selling lucy's and now I identify With him You know, I'm in solidarity with Well, I'm in solidarity with all kinds of things, but uh, you know, when a throttling like that gets out of hand I you know, I have to go the other way We don't get too many conservatives calling into our show frank. No, so you don't know is that's why we like lucy from statin island calling And so in other words, you folks like to preach to the choir is that about it? No, we're not religious You you're not really oh, I get it off. I was a choir. Yeah, he's not gonna get that He's not gonna get that let's let's slip that in on the poor bass. He's got a bad back The guy who's got a bad back. He's misaligned. He has to get his neck compressed every Tuesday because he lists things that the yuppies And the a feat in Manhattan can sip on he lists them all for ships And so he's He's misaligned and let's criticize the movies he goes to like Uh, let's criticize the movies he goes. He likes set broken. He likes josh quote Can we talk about Planned Parenthood lucy? What can we talk about Planned Parenthood? Did you see the president parenthood did you see the president of Planned Parenthood testifying before Congress last week Uh, no, I didn't I think that people should watch, you know, their organs Do you know what I mean by that? Do you know what I mean by that that Planned Parenthood, you know, don't Don't fuck everything that that's not bolted down and you don't need Planned Parenthood. You understand? If it's not bolted down, why do you fuck it? You know what I'm saying? So you only bolt the you only fuck things that are bolted down. That's what you say Oh, I Correct because I'm using bolted down You know as a phrase and the reason I use bolted down is because I I work on ships. Do you understand that? You know the ship is yes what brings a ship is the thing that brings your coffee You know your five-dollar cup of coffee that you sit and you read your zines You read a zine, right? Yeah, zine by Che Guevara Yeah, you're pretty close to the truth there I have to say Do you think congress was fair to the president of Planned Parenthood? Don't you think they kind of tore her apart like she was an aborted fetus. I mean, do you think that's any way to treat a woman? Um, Lucy look, hey, I I think most broads, you know get what they deserve they should keep their mouths shut You know what I mean like why is why is everybody so mousy these days in my day? It was like you didn't first of all you didn't talk about. Oh, uh, we need a condom You know what I mean? That was done very surreptitiously. Sorry to use a nice word And no no the right wing guy now the guy who's a little to the right because Uh, he's the guy who you know brings the things to you Uh, he can't use a word like surreptitiously Well, you can only use the word surreptitiously kind of under the radar Yeah All right, that's just are you a tugboat captain? Is that what you do for a living? Yes And uh, you know the tugs by the way by the way, uh There is a lot of humor about tugging and you know coming and happy endings But it's not all fun and games on the tugboat It's uh, it's also a lot of it's a lot of hard work. You've been on a tugboat You just watch bus between and go look at those assholes So you like tugboats back and forth between statin island and manhattan. Is that correct sir? Is that correct lucy? That's right. I've been to manhattan. I know that uh, is that dangerous going back and forth between statin island and manhattan on a tugboat um Yes, it it can be it can be um Absolutely, you know the the you sent me a swivel You you've called in before lucy lucy from statin island. You sent me a screenplay about a very frightening Storm that you were in Yes, it was called And it was it was kind of ripped off by a fellow named wall burk and cody perfect storm right um And it was you know where three weather systems I'm a big fan Of any kind of system and these three weather systems. They all meet I was it was hot cold and spaulding graves. I remember Right You know, we do laugh at spaulding We do get a kick out of the fact that anybody who throws himself off the ferry is fair game as far as But you fish on the tug you fish spaulding gray out of the water. Is that correct? We did We did and uh, he was still alive, but he started going on a little model You know the guy can't shut up You know about his child Radio off on a bad word. He was like, you know what fuck it from back And make sure he's dead make sure You know, we don't we don't need to hear about you know Uh, all my mother in new england go fuck yourself Quite frankly Quite frankly. Yeah, so we did fish him out. He was still alive Then we fished him out for real then the monologue finally stopped You know, there was nothing in that horrible fucking new england boston accent by you know that that fake You know bostonian kennedy kennedy saying Kennedy by the way got us deeper into vietnam, you know, they're everybody on your side of the fence Everybody on your side of the liberal fence thinks the kennedy got you guys that you know want to end the war now Oh contraire you understand that oh contraire This was why he was this was when he was in the special wing of parkland memorial hospital with elvis What was that That kennedy as we all know survived and has been living in a special wing at parkland memorial hospital Oh Oh, I get it the right wing guy must think kennedy and elvis are alive Even though we salted the earth and he doesn't even think he's alive, you know I believe that's the line mr. Connors likes to use that correct comment Yes, well look as long as spaulding gray isn't still alive then I Yeah, I mean I mean are there who's the monologist right now that you want to you know drown them Who is it right now who's uh, there's a fellow name, uh, oh, what's his name? You know the guy i'm talking about what's his name? I don't know mike berber glia The group is here. Would you call him a monologist? I don't know I I don't I would like to publicly say that I don't want mike berber glia to die Me too. I don't want I don't want him to die. Yes, we we don't want mike I've met him and I like him. He's a very sweet man But if he gets very sweet He's very sweet. Okay, if he ends up on your tugboat though, he's on his own And by the way, uh lucy, do you know of a guy named eddie peppertone? Oh a big fan of his work now. There's a guy There's a guy who you know, he gets to the core of things for no money Well eddie peppertone, I want to apologize from for some Eugene merman jokes we made six years ago on the show We didn't know who he was Eugene merman Ah Now you're talking now you're talking our language with big merman fans here in statinisland We we just love his abstractions. You know, that is one thing That is one thing. There's nothing like sound effects and reading letters from a landlord From statinisland really excited We We like when someone is abstract and very thrilled with themselves You know what I mean? Like that's one of the biggest things we like when someone says something and then smiles about it Well, we enjoy that a lot. So you're you're living in statinisland. Are you a fan of mayor de Blasio? Oh, no, I'm not. All right in the words of nick de palo. He's the douche bay By the way, he's one of our greatest articulate spoke people Uh, nick de palo. What a tremendous grasp he has On the subtleties of just living What what is it that you don't like about uh, mayor de Blasio? Uh, I don't know. How about he's a scumbag? How about he was late for the st patrick's day You know, why you show up on fucking time to the st patrick's day parade you got to watch. I have an iphone It has a timer on it. I have the apple watch it would either get the apple watch or blow my brain I got the apple watch That's that's our choice now in this culture. So I get the apple watch and I kill myself Now lucy columbus. Yeah, de Blasio. He's uh, you know, he's two four. Yeah, he's a union guy He he doesn't want people, uh, you know Just uh murdered randomly who aren't in the elite. I don't like them What about stop and frisk they're getting rid of stop and frisk here in new york You know, I'm not a fan of that. I think people, uh, of a certain, uh Uh pallor should be stopped in frisk and that's because I have a cousin who's a makeup artist and he shows me You know, you know the pallors of people who should be stopped and you know, everybody says it's uh Uh, what do you call it? Uh the demo thing where it's uh profiling, you know, right? Hey, you know who I think is afraid of profiling people. I don't think it's afraid of profiling people are shitty profiles That's a good point actually. What do you think of Ben Carson? That's a photography joke, by the way Uh, I'm big into photography. I love Matthew Brady is early stuff later. He sold out when You know the dead the get the daguerreotype stuff He started to you know, get a little ahead of himself But I'm a big brady fan. It was much harder much harder to do a selfie back then Ha, ha ha ha it took days It took days. I had an aunt who died trying to do a selfie back So who do you like? I love who do you like Ben Carson? He's a person of color and you're Now there's a guy There's a guy that uh, you have to respect I mean, he's a guy who after a mass shooting will call out the people who will kill him. You know what I mean? No, like everybody gets the people who will kill the past in a match. You know, Carson is the guy who will say, you know, look, why didn't you charge? You know, he talks to the family and says, look, I have no sympathy for your husband. You didn't charge someone with an AK-47. And that's the kind of guy you want, I think, in power. You know what I mean? And plus, he could put you out at any time with the sedative. His voice, in other words. What about you? You don't think there's a problem with guns in this country? No. No, I, you know, as far as I'm concerned, I carry six to seven with me. And that's just to get lunch. But no, because people, no, no, it's an age of cruelty. You know that, right? I mean, even the comedians have become cool. I bring guns to a club. And I think that, I think, look, I'm a guy who deals with things. And I think that we need to deal with things. I don't think there's enough guns, quite frankly. Do you know? Why do you think there's a problem with guns? Because people are dying? Guess what? There's an overpopulation problem. Do you know that? Well, then why are you against Planned Parenthood? All right. All right. Maybe you back me into a corner and I'll play some. You back me into a corner and I come to the studio with a weapon. Now, I don't want to scare you. I'm on certain medications that are helping me. And certain medications. So that aren't helping me. But are you against guns for some reason? Well, we want to know what Lucy from Staten Island thinks. Did you? Now, you're Catholic, right, Lucy? Yes. God bless everybody. What about the Pope? Do you like this Pope? No, I'm not. I feel like he's sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. You know, I think the Pope, you know, he's Italian. He should just make salads. You know, just make a nice olive salad and be done with it. Instead, he's telling everybody, he's telling everybody how to live and that the workers of the world should be treated well. Look, I have people working for me. They're absolute bastards. You have to treat people like shit if you're going to get anything out of them and this Pope seems to think otherwise. You know what I mean? So you go by the holy book. You're a strict adherent to the teachings of Christ. Absolutely, absolutely. Love, love what he said. Get them before they get you. Is what Christ said. Yes, yes. Yeah, I mean, basically, that's a thou shall not want, I believe. He who dies with the most toys wins. I think that was Christ, right? Or is that Branson? Is that Branson or Christ? I'm not sure. I get Branson and Christ and accept they both have fears. And push the virgin. They're both elevated. By the way, if you had an opportunity, would you go on Branson's shuttle to space? I don't like flying, so I probably wouldn't. You don't like flying? Is that Connors? Yes. No, it's Connors. You don't like flying so you would not go into space? I don't think I would. I don't think I'd like it. I'd probably, you know, they wouldn't give me an aisle seat, probably, which I'd want. They wouldn't let me upgrade because since it's the first flight ever, no one has any miles. So I think it would be a very pleasant experience. I think I heard Pat Noswold or some comedian. This is not my joke, but he said that if he were on that shuttle to space, he would say to someone, would you please close the fucking drape so I can watch, you know, Mall Cop 2 instead of looking at the stars? I got a kick out of that. I do love some of the comedians out there who poke fun at our obsessions with Mall Cop 2, which is a terrific movie. And Kevin James hit his stride in Mall Cop 2. Did you see Mall Cop 2? Kevin James finally found, you know, whatever it is an actor's fine. I think you're confusing Paul Blart with Mall Cop. Well, let's call Paul Blart Mall Cop. No, Seth Rogen is the Mall Cop. Yeah, I'm definitely, I'm definitely... Sorry, no, I don't mean to correct Lucy from Staten Island, but there was... No, the movies were called Paul Blart Mall Cop. What was the Seth Rogen? The Seth Rogen's Observing Report. Oh, yeah, that I forgot about that one. Yeah, Paul, yeah, Kevin, Jay, it was a terrific movie. Any movie with the segway in it is really good. It's really good, you know, segways are not, you know... They put it in the movie because they couldn't figure out how to transition from one scene to the next. That's terrific. You know what, by the way, I really do love your work play. The people on the left, I love the work play. People on the right usually, there's no work play. It's just, you know, grudish, you know, grunts. But I do love, I do love... I do love your work play over there. Do you? You guys have a great time. Oh, thank you. It's been your latte. Are you a fan of any of the blue collar comics? The blue collar comedy tour? Oh, well, I love Larry the Cable Guy because I made him blow me on a derogable, which is... They're not used that much anymore, but something like the Hindenburg. I got him up there and I just forced his head down. Now we're at the height of his popularity, which made me feel powerful. Did he take his prilosec before he blew you, or did you enjoy the acid reflux? Was it like a burning sensation on the helmet of your penis? You're terrific, by the way. You're terrific. It really is. It really is good. It really is good to talk to you guys and get things off my chest. You know, my wife is kept alive in a vat of blue liquid. It's horrible. I mean, that's how we live in Staten Island. We keep our... You know, we don't kill anything. We keep people, our family members alive in vats of blue liquid. You know the barbershop poems? Well, we do. Well, what do you think about the speaker of the house, John Boehner? It looks like he's going to have to still be speaker because Kevin McCarthy dropped out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? I never liked Kevin McCarthy. That movie about horses was decent, but it's like who the fuck are you to come into politics just because you do a movie about horses and then disappear asshole. But I think Boehner... I think Boehner should leave because when you're that tan, something's got to give. I think his skin... I think what was going on with Boehner is that pretty soon his skeleton is just going to come out of that skin. Don't you feel like that skin is not right and that there's going to be some horrific thing that's going to go down and probably on live television? C-span 2, which I love by the way. I love C-span 2. I watch it on Hulu. Do you watch C-span on Hulu? No, I didn't know they had it. Oh, it's better because it has commercials. I think they should combine Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt with C-span 2 and do an Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt doing a filibuster. Do you know what filibuster is, you fellas? No. Yeah. We don't? We don't. Either do I. I was just throwing some words out. I think you can get it at Dairy Queen, I think. Speaking of filibusters, Bernie Sanders, what do you think of Bernie? On the left. No. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like he is too humane. Do you know what I mean? Don't you get suspicious of people who talk about, we want jobs for everyone. We want healthcare for everyone. We want everyone to be happy. Come on, bullshit. If you need a lot of people to be unhappy, just be happy. If the great majority of the people are not unhappy, then there's not going to be a small percentage that are happy. You know what I mean? If everybody is walking around happy, what the fuck do we have? Basically, a bouncy house. It's just horrible to think of. You can't have night without day. Oh. I just felt like, I just felt like, I just felt like Rainer Rilke walking through the studio. By the way, Rainer Rilke, asshole from Germany, who kept talking about how fragile we are. And I'll tell you, when you talk to the arts that night, I don't even like to be short. The last thing you need to hear is a guy with that kind of sense. Well, did you read his letters to a young asshole? That's what I thought of his philosophy came through there. Yes. And I read that and I also read the sequel to that, Pucker Up. Rilke does not, you know, Pucker Up doesn't get enough play on the serious XM comedy channels. The Rilke. By the way, why isn't there a poet channel on Serious XM? Wouldn't it be great just to hear Sylvia Plath whining about her father as you're driving on the 405 in LA? Have you visited Los Angeles? Lucy from Staten Island? Yes. Oh, me and my wife, I loved her dough-dough at Disneyland before she went in the blue liquid. There's nothing like going on. There's nothing like going on Mr. Toad and just having a good sink. You know what I mean? Did you have... Yeah, just thank you. Steve Rana Zisi from the league was recently on Serious. Say that again, I'm sorry. Steve Rana Zisi, he's on the show The League. Apparently, he lied about surviving 9-11. Yes. Yes. Yes. Now, I have a lot of sympathy for that. I used to lie. I was in the Mealy massacre just to get girls. The Mealy massacre. Well, you know, it's... Mealy. Pat Merida used to lie that he was in one of the planes that attacked Pearl Harbor. So, yeah. So you told women that you knew Colonel Callie? Yes, I did. I said I was Callie's right-hand man and I pointed out who needed to be dealt with. And that got you a lot of women. Oh, my God. I was never alone. And you got a lot of tea. I know this is a little dark. I'm just saying I had a good time in college with the Mealy massacre. I understood you carpet crunched Cambodia. Oh, you're terrific. You're terrific. I love when you do those bad movies and you comment on how bad they are. I can't get enough of that. Oh, good. I just... Yeah, I can't get enough of that. You know what I'd like to see you do is take the goddamn movie Godfather and, you know... And why don't you do really excellent, excellent films and make fun of them? Why not do that? To me, that's what you should be. Do you do that at all? No, I've never done that kind of a riffing type of thing for an excellent movie. Didn't Sophie a couple of do it in Godfather 3? Yeah, so actually Godfather 3 would be one you could do probably. You know what's weird about Godfather 3 is that Al Pacino was so great in Godfather 1 and Godfather 2 as Michael Cordione. And then for some reason in Godfather 3, they recast the row with Al Pacino. I didn't follow that, but it was terrific. You know, sometimes I'll just follow rhythm and I don't know when to laugh. I felt that, you know, I felt the dip at the end and it was beautiful. Because you don't like feeling stupid, right? I don't like feeling stupid at all. My wife still flirts with people in Nevada. She's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. She still manages to flirt with delivery guys. And she's underwater in blue water and she's still like, you know, like, do a cum hither type of look. It's weird. And what's the delivery guys? What do they deliver? Windex? Ah, you know your blue liquid. You son of a bitch. Name three blue liquids. Name three blue liquids. This is a game we play on the top. Blueberry ice. Blueberry the liquid they put in an ice. The drill on an oxygen-deprived baby. And the... Smurf cheese? Smurf cheese, yes. Total blue liquid. The McDonald's a shamrock shake for really depressed Irish men. Oh, because they're blue. Very good. Lucy, we have to wrap it up. I have to kind of go. Lucy, have you... It's been almost, let's see, 14 years. Have you ever been able to achieve closure with 9-Eleven? Well, I really haven't. I mean, I go to the base of 9-Eleven and read a loud bad movie script. Just the names of bad movie scripts. Because, you know, I mentioned movies a lot here, but I'll read like a lot of stuff, broken titles. No, I don't know how you get closure with something like that. I mean, I like to say the word freedom a hundred million times. That gives me some kind of good feeling. Do you have closure? No, I don't. No? Where were you on 9-Eleven? I'd rather not say. I mean, I was with a fellow named Rand Beesey. Is that his name? Rand Beesey? Oh, you're saying that you were his writer. You came up with the story for him to tell. Look, let's just say I helped this career along. All right, fellas, I love you. Thank you. Thank you, Lucy. Lucy from Staten Island, thank you for calling in. Love you, too. That, of course, was the great Eddie Pepitone. And how do we plug Eddie? What do we say about Eddie? One of the greatest comedians living, first of all. I think you're right. Yes. Absolutely. If you put together a list of the top five or top 10, he would absolutely be there. Go to eddiepeppitone.com. PepTalks is one of his podcasts. Go to his Twitter. His Twitter is really brilliant. I, we have to wrap it up. I'll say this about Eddie. He's one of those guys who I didn't think was going to become a great stand-up because he kind of started later in life. Right. And I always know he was funny offstage. But in order to be great, you got to bring who you really are on stage. That's what's held me back. I mean, he really, if you go see Eddie Pepitone perform stand-up comedy, you really do get. He's, yeah. And it's just nothing, no other comedian in the world that's like him at all. No, I agree with you. Yeah. Well, it's an honor to have Frank Conniff on the show who, according to Andy Kindler, is the funniest man in the world. And according to Frank Conniff, Eddie Pepitone is the funniest man in the world. He's one of the funniest comedians and one of the funniest people in the world. And the fact that he would help celebrate your birthday. Yes, and contribute his talents as he just did. I mean, it's amazing. The world we live in, it's a statement about show business that Eddie Pepitone is available to us to do that. Because in a just world, he'd be too busy doing TV shows and movies and we wouldn't be able to get him because he deserves that. He's that good. So it's amazing that we were able to do that brilliant thing on the show just now. It is amazing. Yeah. And he's also a great actor. You know, for bonus material, what do you remember from the sketches we did at Pacifica? What's your favorite you did with him? Oh, well, we did Pepitone Tonight, right? It wasn't that. And also, who was the detective he played? The law and order? Months. Months, 80 months. And... Sharia Law. Sharia Law. He was Nick Sharia. Nick Sharia. Yeah. Yeah. He was... He was just... If he was in a sketch, that just meant it was going to be funny. Right. No questions asked. Right. You know, it was going to be really funny if he was in it. All right. Let me discuss something before we wrap it up because we have Gay Blacks here. Very funny writer. Thank you. And we have Frank Conniff. So for bonus material, I'm going to find something that you and Eddie did together. Frank, the parade coverage was always my favorite. Yeah, that was funny. Eddie were presenters at the Emmys. Uh-huh. I'm going to look for that one. I think I'll put that one up. Steve Rosenfeld wrote that. That was great. All right. Judy Gold and I... By the way, Judy Gold is going to be riffing the Democratic debate with me at QED next Tuesday. Tuesday night, if this airs by then. So Alex, come on in. How perfect is that? Are you a fan of Judy Gold? I'm a huge fan of hers and happy to say I'm a good friend of hers. Okay. So I'm going to bring it up to him on the show. Okay. Judy was on the show earlier this week. Big response. Just, you know. And Judy and I have done stuff together on stage. Right. So here's the idea. We want to do a short sitcom called Don't Tell Judy, where I play her husband. Uh-huh. And you and Henriette Mantel are like the Merces. You live next door. I'm loving this. And you know. And it's such a good feeling to know that you've reached a point in life when people are comparing you to William Fry. No, no. I was thinking of Vivian Vance. Henriette is like William Fry. So, you know, you and I do these horrible things. And for example, we have a baby. And I leave it. The worst thing a person can do. Yes. So Judy and I have a new baby. And I leave it in a parking lot. And it gets kidnapped. And you and I are figuring out how Judy doesn't find. Like what happens to the baby is not our concern. If Judy finds out that I lost the baby, we're in big trouble. So you have to go kidnap a baby. Sounds great. You and Henriette. I'm there. I'm there. And we would do, don't tell Judy. So that is something I'm thinking of doing. You would like to do this. Sure. Gabe, you want to write that? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I at least want co-EP credit on this. You got it. We might have to put you with a more experienced show right about now. I'll take any shot at the big time I can get. What do we do? Five minutes or do we make it 30 minutes? I don't know. It's hard to just say that right now. Five minutes would be my... More manageable. Yeah. And we start doing it in the studio. And then eventually do it at QED. That sounds great. Okay. I'm at QED in Astoria for free. The show's free Saturday night. This Saturday night. And you're at QED Tuesday night, which is the Democratic election. I'm not election, the debate. And we've been doing John Fugelsang, myself and Micah Fox have been doing it. We did the two Republican debates. And it was great. And now it's the Democratic debate, which is a little less exciting because it probably doesn't... Ah, Bernie's going to be pretty funny. Yeah. So, but it's going to be a really funny show because Judy Gold is going to be in it. So, I can't be there. So, it's going to be me, Micah Fox and Judy Gold. That is a great show. That is great. And as you know, Micah Fox has been on this show. She's hilarious. And she was supposed to be here today. Oh, was she really? Yeah, but she canceled a little. You know, I don't... This is boring, but we had Craig Fox and Micah Fox canceled on us today. Oh, that's true, but... You know, Craig Fox? I don't know if I do, but I know Micah very well. And Gabe, how do people contact you? Oh, I'd prefer that they didn't. A true comedy writer. Yeah, but my Twitter is at Gabriel underscore lax. And how do you spell lax? L-A-K-S. Tweeted me that I'm your favorite guest on the David Feldman show. Wait, how do you spell your last name? L-A-K-S. L-A-K-S. You look like you're putting a mystery together. Because there was an E. Did you drop the E? No, no, no, no. No, no E. Okay, your email... Yeah. We worked together. Right. And I...it was L-E-A-K-S. No. No, no, no. Just L-A-L-A-K-S. You've been corresponding with the wrong person all this time. Am I not the person who's supposed to be on this show? So your last name is pronounced what? Lax. And I would assume growing up... Uh-huh. Nobody ever did a joke like X-Lex. No, no, no, no. I was a schoolyard hero. They would never... They would never say, like, you know, your former girlfriend is X-Lex. Yeah, no, one person said that and then he was run out of town. So I came up with... So beloved was I. I came up with Mark Moran. Mark Moran? I call Mark Marin Mark Moran. Really? Every time I see him and he says, you're the first person in my 50 years to call me Mark Moran. Do you think he's being sarcastic? I think he's being sarcastic. Yes. Mark Marin be sarcastic. Oh, I'm going to be on your show, the Fugle Sank Show. What am I on Fugle Sank with you? Next Wednesday. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's when the Fugle Sank Show goes back in because they're having a tape show on Monday and then Rick Unger is guest hosting on Tuesday because John is going to be in LA as will I Friday till Sunday doing Politicon. And we're having... Is it this weekend? Yeah, I'm leaving tomorrow morning. And we're having John Max on. John Max? I think he invented Politicon. Oh, did he? Oh, I'm not familiar with him. Okay, well, stick around if you want to talk to him. I think he runs Politicon with James Carver. What's he doing here? He should be in LA. It's starting tomorrow. But we're talking to him over the phone. Oh, okay. Okay. All right, that'll do it for us. Coming up, John Max. Stick around. Thank you, guys. Stone Law, Sharia Law. Sharia, what happened out there yesterday? No big deal, Captain. I arrested 300 people on the street for homosexuality. That was a gay pride parade. I was wondering why it was so easy to get them to confess. Sharia, this time you've gone too far. Don't worry, Captain. I'll let them all go. Because it was their first offense? No, there were just too many of them to throw off a mountain. Nick Sharia lives by his own law, Sharia Law. Somewhere beyond the law is Sharia Law. This fall on CBS. Coming up the author of Monologue, Laugh Before Bed, John Max. I will remind you that we have a premium episode coming up. You can buy it for $2.50 by going to davidfelmenschow.com or you can get it for free by becoming a monthly subscriber. We accept all major credit cards for as little as $5 a month. You can gain access to all our premium content for free. Go to davidfelmenschow.com and become a monthly subscriber. So do all your Amazon shopping via the Amazon banners over at the David Feldman Show website. We get a small percentage. It doesn't cost you more money. You're transferring cash from Amazon's pocket into mine and it helps support our show. And any time you hear an author on our show and you want to buy the book, buy it through our website. That helps us and the people who do our show. And right now, John Max, author of Monologue, What Makes America Laugh Before Bed. I'm glad to be here. Politicon starts Friday, October 9th through the 10th at the LA Convention Center. You should go there and watch some of your favorite politicos do comedy and speak left and right. For more on this, we're joined by John Max. He's on the board of directors of Politicon. John is the author of Monologue. He is written on 18 Academy Awards, 23, 25, 30, 50 years on The Tonight Show. He's a world-class comedy writer. He's a current and former political consultant. Finally, John Max is on my show. Hello, John Max. And it's great to be on, David. Thank you so much. Finally is the correct word. Finally. I've been trying to get you on since 2010, actually. You know, it's the only time in my life I've played hard to get. But it makes it all the worthwhile for the waiting. Yeah. Monologue is the name of your book. What is the full title of Monologue? It's called Monologue, What Makes America Laugh Before Bed. And, you know, basically it is a, you know, I was 22 years with Jay on The Tonight Show. And it's a combination of a look at how late-night monologues from Jay to Johnny to Jack Parr to John Stewart to Essenel have impacted politics and pop culture. And it's also a way for me to tell funny stories, you know, under the guise of being something scholarly. Okay. And who's it published by? It's published by Random House. It's a division of those called Penguin Books, Blue Rider Press. And Max is spelled M-A-C-K-S? Correct. You've written other books. Haven't you written books on how to write monologue jokes? I, yes, it was, it was actually, that was one of the great disasters of all time. But it was, it was a book a few years ago, James Carville, who's my, you know, Dave is my, you know, my closest friend, said, and John, you ought to write a book. And he got to write a book on how to be funny. And so we came up with this idea to make it, they will book for really high-end CEO corporate types and whatever. And eventually, through a variety of machinations, they decided to make it broader and make it accessible to everyone. And it didn't quite work. I think it would have been much better to keep it in its original guise. And I vowed that I would make it up for it with a book that I was really happy with, which is what this is. Monologue. Yes. You are a very interesting... You are a very interesting human being, because you've had three different lives. Comedy writer. You write on every variety show, from some IFC tribute to the Academy Awards, to the Mark Twain Prize, to the Tony's, to Jay Leno. That's only part of your life. The other part of your life is you're a political consultant, your best friends with David Axelrod, who got President Obama elected and re-elected. And you're like BFF with James Carvel. And you've actually run political campaigns. And Politicon is going to be the comic con for show business for ugly people, which is what they call politics. Exactly. The idea behind Politicon is that politics is entertainment, especially this year. And why not do a convention that is, as you said, it's based on the model of comic con and it's the intersection of politics and entertainment. So it's really a three-headed monster. It's politics and entertainment, the intersection, and it's just some pure entertainment. I mean, Trevor Noah will be there doing comedy. Jeff Ross is going to be doing some comedy. There's an amateur comedy contest called Politic Comics for some young, upcoming comics to do sets, and they'll be judged by people like Liz Winstead. And just a lot of really interesting panels. And you'll have the KKK will be represented by Ann Coulter? You know, as she is, I won't speak to that, but I will say that we've got, you know, the idea was to not make it, you know, Democrat or Republican, but both. So, you know, I mean, the first person I found up is I called Carvel and I said, hey, I need you to do this. I'll be there. You know, I called Paul Bigali. I'll be there. Then I called Axe and Axe, and I said, I'll be there. And then, you know, they went out and got Newt Gingrich and there's Ann Coulter and there's Alex Castellanos. And then, you know, Joe Klein, Dennis Kucinich, Darce Kerns Goodwin, you know, Michelle Bachman. We've got Reggie Love, Clay Aitken, Larry Elder. I mean, again, David, if there's somebody you're interested in seeing or someone you're interested in and being mad at, they're there. So, the hatred between the Democrats and the Republicans I've decided is pretty healthy. When you look at what's going on in Syria and human nature, we need somebody to despise. We want to, I don't want to say kill each other, but we want to get up every morning and blame somebody else for our problems. And the beauty of our system is we get so angry at Kevin McCarthy confessing that the Benghazi Committee was really about destroying Hillary in the polls. And we get our blood boiling and we're screaming, but we don't know who to punch. There's no, you know, yeah, there's red state, there's blue state, but we're all among each other, so we don't know who the enemy is. And that's the beauty of the system is we get to fight each other in Washington, D.C. and through elections and get really worked up and angry. But there's really, in the end, nothing we can do about it. It's better this than Syria, right? Yeah, I'm going to give you two quick examples of the anger level that's out there that I think is really interesting. Every poll, you know, I look at a lot of polls and I look at a lot of numbers and people send me when they're doing campaigns to see if I still have any of my old skills. And in every poll, basically, in past times, if you put the question, you know, let's just say for Jeb Bush, would you be more or less likely to vote for a man who balanced X number of state budgets? The answer would overwhelmingly have been yes. Now, that may not be the determinative issue in the election, but it would make them more likely. When you do that now, people kind of give you, and it's more in focus groups, actually, in the polls, but it's more like we don't believe he did it and we don't care. The second thing is, and this is really interesting, there's a focus group out here in a local election and a good friend of mine was running the focus group. And there's a, you know, it was a Republican focus group. And, you know, they weren't talking about presidential politics, but they moved on to it and they said, you know, okay, if you had to vote for a Democrat, who would you vote for? And I think seven or eight of the Republicans in the room said Bernie Sanders. Of course, this flabbergasted the moderator and said, well, wait a second, he's a socialist. They said, that's right, at least we know who he really is. And that gets to, David, I think, the heart of why the people who are doing relatively well now, you know, Sanders and Donald Trump, you know, temporarily Carly Fiorina, they know who they are. And even with all their faults or people may disagree, that's okay. It's the people who seem phony, who are seem typical political, that just can't get any real traction or have tremendous weaknesses. And I, you know, that does that apply to the general though? I mean, that's good in the primaries. Well, here's the thing, I've always believed David, it's a great point. I've always believed that in the end, the American voters have always said to themselves, okay, we're not going to give the car keys to Ross Perot. We're not going to give the car keys to John Anderson. We're not going to give the keys to the car to someone who we just don't, you know, trust. And the question is now, and I don't know the answer to that. I'll be able to tell you next September, I think. And I promise to be back on that. Will we give, will we say we're not going to give the keys to the car to Donald Trump or Carly Fiorina or Ted Cruz because they're, they're, you know, they really, we don't trust them in that position of power. Or will people say, you know, something, we don't trust any of them. So we might as well give the keys to the car to somebody who we know is half crazy. I don't know. I, in the past, I used to say, what does it matter if I like or trust my president? I just want him to do the things I want him to do. Character shouldn't count. But as things get more complicated, like the Iran deal and TPP, the, you know, the specific trade deal, which I don't understand. I don't understand the Iran deal. I can pretend I do. I can go over this stuff. But in the end, you really have to trust somebody. And that's where character comes in. I trust Obama. I trust Kerry. If they tell me the Iran deal is solid, and Bill Crystal says it isn't, I trust the deal. Because I trust John Kerry's character and Obama's character more than I do Dick Cheney's. So is that what politics gets down to? Is trusting the human being? Because I've... It ultimately does. Because we, I mean, and again, it's a great point. We ultimately do. Do I, again, it gets to the, do I trust this person with the keys to the car? And that's where Hillary's problem really is. When you, I mean, look, for years the Republicans, for some reason, would seem to go after her in competency, which is really not very smart. Now they're honing in on the trust issue. And it's working. And believe me, she has certainly taken that match and thrown some gasoline on that fire. And the question is, do we trust her? Now, eventually, you know, as my friend Carvel says, an election between two bank robbers, one wins. So if we distrust one and we really distrust the other, we'll go with one we distrust a little less. I don't know if that holds true next time. I think it's going to come down to authenticity. Not so much to trust them doing a good job or trusting they have my interest at heart, but who at least seems true to themselves. And I think that may be the defining thing. Is there an inherent problem with democracy? What are we doing? I don't understand what's going on. Because, you know, we're a republic, so I guess we don't get to vote on referenda. It's not a good idea. California has shown what a disaster it is when we leave it up to the people to vote on what are essentially bills that the state legislature should decide on. So we vote for politicians in the republic to make these wise choices for us. So the elections then in a republic are ridiculous because it's sound and fury signifying nothing, right? I mean, what are these elections about? Is democracy, are we doomed? Do you think the republic is doomed? Eventually we're just going to realize that this voting, these elections every two years, are inconsequential? No, because, you know, I would make the argument that they do matter. They don't, maybe we don't get what we want, but when you think about it, you know, President Obama, and as you know, I was an early supporter, and as you know, at times I've been a little disappointed, but he delivered pretty much what he said he was going to deliver. Now you may not like it. You may think that Obamacare is really just income redistribution. You know, and not really a healthcare system. You may find fault with many things about it, but in the end there are fewer people that are in dire need of healthcare than there were before. There, you know, on so many levels he has achieved what he said. And so to me, you know, elections do matter. It's going to matter who the next president is simply if you're a woman or a man who cares about the choice issue. Reproductive rights are going to matter because that next president is going to appoint at least one, if not two, Supreme Court justices, and that's going to matter. If you are someone who's upset about Citizen United, you know, that is going to be altered and modified depending on who's on the Supreme Court. Do you think Obama, I say Obama is the most successful president we've had since Lyndon Johnson. Is that true? Um, well... How transformative do you think he is? I think very. I think he's very transformative. Have you written for him? Have you written for him? You know, I wrote one of the campaigns. You know, Axe called me, David called me in 2007. And I hope this doesn't become a long story. But in May of 2007, I got a call for Hillary's campaign and they wanted to have a meeting and had me do debate prep in 2008. And Patty Solis Doyle was going to meet with me every time they broke the meetings and they were going to reschedule. And then in August, I thought I said the heck with it, in August that year, Axe came to a call and goes, I hear you're not working for Hillary. You know, it's a very small group of people who do what I or we did. And I said, no, and he said, would you like to meet Barack? I said, sure. So I went up to Montecito and met him and was very impressed. And the next day Axe called me and said, I want you to go work for me and help me out. And, you know, I, because I know you're the one person who, if we win, doesn't want a job in the White House. So, you know, I called friends in the Clinton campaign. I said, look, I try to help Hillary and it's not working. And do you have any objection? They said, no, we're not in either. So I went to work with David and helped him out and worked for the president, you know, for Obama through the campaign, all the way up through the, the final thing I did for him was the alfalfa speech after he'd been elected in January 2009. And then I helped. I did debate prep again in 2012, but it was very informal. You did debate prep the first debate, second debate? Yeah, I did. Well, yeah, we, and by the way, we all knew it was going to be a disaster, by the way. Did he rope a dope? It was the first debate. Did he go down on purpose? No, he did not rope a dope. Let me tell you my theory and you respond to it. Got it. Mitt Romney, white man, angry black man, can't beat up on a white man. Obama is Superman and he figured I'm going to look weak and vulnerable so that in the second debate, I can mop the floor with Mitt Romney. That's my theory. Okay, I'm going to explode the theory and this is with a little inside information. Nope. We just like all incumbent presidents, he started with this. Why the hell am I debating this fool? And that George W. Bush thought the same about John Kerry who did like the floor with Bush in all three debates. And that was Obama, not prepared, not doing the work, not ready, went in, thought he had it and everyone knew going in and he actually left thinking he had kicked the crap out of Romney that debate. And about two hours later, I got a call as many others say, he gets it now, he's gearing up. No rope a dope, you don't do that. You don't take a chance in something like that with 60 million people watching. And he just went in just like the same reason George W. Bush did saying, hey, I'm the president. I don't need to do this. I've already won. And they get surprised. And also, you know, he, you know, Romney just came in there and just said whatever he wanted to say and it went unchallenged. Right. No, debate too. He was prepared. And he said, I got this. Yeah. And he did have it. How smart is he? I mean, is it just... Incredibly smart. In terms of people who I have met and done a little work with and I don't want to overstate it all, my role, which is minor. But, you know, if there's a one in a 1A, it's Clinton, as in Bill, and Barack Obama, you know, and the differences that I think that Clinton's total breath of knowledge, at least going in, was, again, this is a guy who had spent, you know, how many years in public service and Barack Obama had not. But both are, you know, they're both brilliant. But Obama's emotional intelligence is much higher than Bill Clinton's. You know, that's getting into something. I have no idea. You know, I just go when I walk into a room and I talk to somebody and I get a sense of, you know, oh my God, this person just knows so much more. It's like the first time I met Carvel in a campaign. We got brought in to do a campaign in 1986 together. And I was actually hoping to run the campaign and they told me I was going to be the number two, that they were bringing in some guy from Louisiana who had never won an election before. And I'm thinking, oh, great. You know, I've got some, some. Toby Ziegler. Idiot. From the West Wing. Right, and I sat down with James and after about two minutes in conversation, I said, this guy is so much smarter than I will ever be about politics, strategy and everything. And then I got, I was, I was lucky to learn from the best. We have a lot of young listeners rent the war room. The D.A. Pennebaker documentary about the 1992 campaign featuring Bill Clinton and Carvel's famous speech at the end where he wells up, are you moved by that? Is that genuine when he starts crying about it? It's one, it's absolutely genuine. I was moved by it because in 1986, like I said, when we did that governor's campaign, we were both kind of novices at that level. So I don't think we, we knew what was at stake. Obviously governor's election in our case, it was our future because we had lost. We both were pretty washed up as it was. We won and we both moved. We moved to Washington, D.C. the next day. For the governor, who was the governor? Governor Bob Casey. It was Bob Casey in Pennsylvania versus Bill Scranton. Right. Is his son now the senator from Pennsylvania? Yeah, Bobby is the senator. His son Bobby is, I mean, it's the U.S. senator from Pennsylvania. And you know, so with seeing him in the war room then, I mean, I've seen it up close and I don't know how emotional James can get, but it's real. He's, he's, you know, he's, I did K Street with him. He's not a great actor. And he's not a Dick Morris type. He won't represent the Republicans. He'll just share a bed with them. No, he's got, you know, he's got, you know, what, you know, well, yeah, exactly. He, he, you know, again, it's all fair and love and war and, and you know, he and Mary have a wonderful marriage and two great kids. It's not unlike many, I call them mixed marriages in Washington, D.C. You know, from John Buckley to Anna Bennett, there's a lot of those Democrat Republican marriages. But would you manage a Republicans campaign if the money is right? You know, it's the old story, you know, about Winston Churchill, you know, it's the old story about what kind of, you know, Lady, do you think I am? You know, we know a kind of lady negotiating the price. There's issues that are really important to me and Republicans are in the other side. First of all, I'm way past my matching days. That's a good question. I'm sorry, you're breaking up a little. You're way past what? I'm sorry. It's, it's, I'm way past my matching days. But if you told me, you know, an election was between, and this, this character does not exist. A moderate Republican who's pro-choice versus an anti-gay David Duke Democrat? Well, heck. I mean, yeah, I knew the Republican in that race. But, you know, 99 times out of 100, no, you know, I'd be with a Democrat because on every issue, on almost every issue, I'm going to be angry with a Democrat. But luckily, I've not had that choice. The fate of the two-party system. There's a civil war that's been going on inside the Republican Party ever since they've been winning everything. Is that, is a civil war within a party a byproduct of success? Do you need a civil war in order to stay on top? Would the Democrats be well-advised to have a civil war? No, I think, I think the civil war is, is a function, is, is a fact that they, they are completely dysfunctional. That they are without ideas. But they're winning. They're winning. I know it's gerrymandering, but still they control the Senate. They control the Senate and, and I believe they're going to lose the Senate in 2016. They're going to keep the House unless they nominate somebody who's just, you know, completely crazy that will sweep that. But it is redistricting. I mean, right now, David, you and I could look at the 435 congressional districts and tell you who's going to win in about 400 of them right now. Okay, but the, but the people are saying, and they've been saying this since George W. Bush was elected, that the Republicans are falling apart. Meanwhile, they control the House, they control the Senate, they often control the presidency, they control the state houses, they control the, the governors, or a majority of them are Republicans. If they're falling apart, I'd like my party to fall apart this way. And it seems to me that the Democrats were having a civil war in the 60s when they were on top. Right? I mean, isn't this, is it as bad for the Republicans as, I don't think it's as bad. I think they're having healthy debate. Are we going to see a civil war after next week's debate in the Democratic Party? Is Bernie Sanders going to- Yeah, we're not going to see a civil war. What we're going to see is the longing that there was another candidate, but I don't think there's going to be. You know, I, you know, again, it's an interesting question. I'm trying to think back. I mean, when did we have our civil war? Well, we probably had our civil war. Johnson. Bobby Kennedy versus Johnson. Well, we probably had it in the 80s, too, when during the Reagan years, when we had the Democratic Leadership Council coming up and saying we have to, and we had all those bright young governors come as a result of that. The Bill Clinton's, the Jerry Beliles, the Chuck Robs, the Ray Mabus' all those bright young governors who came out of the South, to be honest, you know, were not to the far left. And that's where you ended up with the Bill Clinton. Who was head of the DLC? Who, who founded the DLC? Uh, what was his name? Duff. Uh, Al Fromm. Al Fromm, but the, the congressman, who was the, the leader of the DLC. Because I was reading a biography of Bob Hope that just came out. It's great biography, by the way. And the head of the DLC was like, almost like the adopter. Tony Cuelli. Tony Cuelli. Tony Cuelli was like, Bob Hope's adopted son. Did you know that? Right. That was just, I thought I'd mentioned that just to show you that I'm still, my memory is, is still showing. The breath, and the breath of your knowledge. I did not remember Tony Cuelli until that moment and I just read the book three weeks ago. Right, that blew me away. It's a great book about Bob Hope. Uh, but back to the Democrats in the Civil War. Hillary Clinton has come out against TPP. She's against the Trans-Pacific Trade Partnership. She's come out against the XL Pipeline. She is moving to the left, which is what Richard Nixon advises all presidential candidates to do. Energize your base. She's moving to the left. Is she moving to the left because she senses a genuine need in her party for a standard bearer of traditional liberal values? Or is it because of Bernie Sanders? Yeah, she's driving to the left because she wants to be the nominee and because of the polls. Because of Bernie Sanders? Yes. I mean, yeah, I mean, she, I mean, she's moving to the left to try to counteract that. And also because in the end, you know, elections have changed. When I started doing campaigns, you had, my theory, whether it's, I don't know if the statistics bear it out, was that, I mean, you had, you know, a far left of X percent, 20 to 30, you had a far right of 20 to 30 percent. And then you had a vast middle. And a president could persuade people, which is why you had, in 1972, Richard Nixon got 61% of the vote. That's why in 1984 Reagan got, I think it was 58% of the vote. When people moved, they moved in a mass. Now there's very, very few persuadables. People are much more rock solid. And so it really is about energizing the base. That's what George W. Bush did in 2004. And that's what it looks like it's going to be this election. So I think Hillary's moving to the left for two reasons. Number one is to make sure that in a year, when there are so many people who are attuned to what Bernie Sanders is saying, she doesn't get outflanked. And because eventually that's where she wants to be for the general election, as opposed to the old Nixon format of, you know, move right, move middle, move left, move middle. I think it's move left. Stay there unless you have to do a little head fake to the middle. I think that's changed to that. Okay, let's get back to Politicon before you go. It starts Friday, October 9th. It's through the 10th, Friday and Saturday at the L.A. Convention Center where I believe John F. Kennedy got the nomination. I believe he might have. I know it certainly was in L.A. Is it downtown near the Staples Center? Yeah, I am a stone's throw from the Staples Center right now. I believe that's where JFK accepted the nomination. And Al Gore, I believe, in 2000. Yes. And is politics, you have lived, you've straddled both sides of the continent, Washington, D.C. and Hollywood. Since Citizens United, is there more money to be made in politics than in Hollywood? Yeah, as always, I made the wrong financial move because I moved to Hollywood as the money for TV was drying up and the money for political consultorship was rising. Yeah, you could, you know, there was when I was doing campaigns, if you were successful, and I was luckily after a series of losses and because of my friendship with James and Paul DeGal and some really smart people got pretty sick, did okay, there was money to be made, but there was kind of a cap. And the cap was certainly high, don't get me wrong. But now because of Citizens United, because of the money that's available, I mean the consultants class, of which good or bad, I guess I'm a member of from where I came from, you can get incredibly rich. You can get half a yacht rich. And I don't know many comedy writers that have yachts. And what's happened is because of Citizens United, the TV writers aren't making money, but the television networks are. I mean Les Moonves, who's the head of CBS, has said every two years we do a lot better because of all this political advertising that's been unleashed. Right, and when you're a candidate, you're getting the lowest rate. When you're a super PAC doing ads, you're paying top dollar. And if you're a radio station or a television station in a swing state because of Citizens United, your bottom line is seriously affected. Exactly, and when you think about it, we are going to in 2016 see very, very few political ads after the primaries in California. There's going to be very, very few political ads in Texas. It's worthless, why bother? I know how Texas is going, I know how New York's going, and how California's going. I know how Mississippi and Idaho are going. But we can pick the states now. North Carolina, Wisconsin, Nevada, Colorado, arguably Florida, arguably Virginia. Those states, if you've got a TV station or radio station there, you can start thinking about buying a boat. So it's a way to make money, but it's also a sporting event for the pundits and for the consultants. They try not to get emotionally involved, right? Well, you know, when I started, when I got involved and I got out of law school and I started running campaigns and it was for people I really loved and believed in and who moved me. And when they lost, I was crushed because I thought it was the end of the world. And then you get a little more jaded and you realize you're in it in a business. And then that's one of the reasons that in 2008 it was such an exciting time for me, even though I wasn't doing it full-time and I was just helping out. But the ability to get involved, I had no JFK. So to me, Barack Obama was my JFK. Better than JFK. So many reasons. Better than JFK. But in so many reasons, I was inspired. His loss would have crushed me and his win made me feel really good that I had in an incredibly small and miniscule way had been part of it. And, you know, that to me is when I look ahead to 2016, you know, personally, you know, it's tough to fall in love a second time. And, you know, so if I were back in the political business, I would be doing it, you know, in a way that that was how I made my living. I would be doing it to make a living as opposed to, you know, this is what I, you know, I'm doing this because of absolute love. I can still be convinced. I can still be seduced. But I'm waiting to have somebody send me flowers. You're a lawyer. You're trained as a lawyer. The political system is an adversarial system. I love Obama. My mother will, you know, at Thanksgiving will declare after a drink or two anybody who doesn't like Barack Obama is, and then she'll use the C word. I'm grateful for Chafetz. I'm grateful for these hateful Republicans wanting to impeach him, wanting to imprison him because I love this guy so much that I would fall prey to fascism. He could be my Hitler. So we do need, as I call the Republicans, the disloyal opposition. We do, because even I need to be checked. I'm starry-eyed around this guy and I would definitely go make him president for life. Thank God there are Republicans on the other side who are just looking for something. They haven't been able to find it. They're going to find something on Hillary. They've already found it. Is she playing them? I know I have to let you go. Is she playing them with this email scandal? Is she manipulating the Republicans? Does she know that, for lack of a better word, there's a permanent witch hunt on Hillary and she's just manipulating them? Well, I think she knows that, but again, in the end, it goes to the debate thing. We talked about it a minute ago. I don't think that you do that. I mean, I don't think that she does it. I don't think. I think this email, I won't call it a scandal, this email event came about because I felt when she was Secretary of State she never thought she was going to run for president. Really? I don't believe like many people believe that she did. Since the age of four, she wanted to be president. I don't believe that. I mean, after all, she was a Goldwater girl. I believe that in this, it was set up and there's a great Vanity Fair article on Hillary and the guard around her, but I think she set up with the theory of, well, it's okay. This is what I'm going to do. Other Secretaries of State have done this. And then she got in this defensive mode where again in the end, something Jody Powell once told me, he said, when you got a scandal, you let everything out at once. You drown them in information because what gets you is always the cover up, not the scandal. And in the end, Carter's political advisor? Carter's press secretary. Hamilton Jordan was the... He was the political consultant, the political guru. Carter's team was, Pat Caddell was the strategist. Hamilton Jordan was the day-to-day campaign manager and Jody Powell was the press secretary. Hey, Lee Atwater has a wife who's now a political consultant. I have that. I don't know that. I heard Lee Atwater. Did you know Lee Atwater? Never met him. Never met him. He was at a much higher level at a time and a bit older than me when I got to Washington. So he was like, he was to me what James Carville might be to say a 40-year-old right now. Yeah. Lee, I bring up Lee Atwater because he was a vindictive prick of a political consultant, Willie Horton, and then he had us come to Jesus' moment when he was dying and talked about how you can't say the N-word anymore. So now you talk about busing and he explained dog whistle politics, how that works. He admitted that I read that his wife is a Jeb Bush... I very well could be a consultant. And Jeb is the master of dog whistle politics. I mean, that whole family. Okay. Thank you. John Max is a world-class comedy writer and everybody should go to Politicon if you're in LA. It's at the LA Convention Center Friday, October 9th through the 10th. Thank you for taking time to be with us and I hope you'll come back when you have more time. You bet, David. Take care. Great talking to you. Thank you, sir. Next book monologue, What Makes America Laugh Before Bed is available at fine bookstores near you. Please support them. If you don't have a fine bookstore near you, go to Amazon via the David Feldman Show website and buy it. We get a small percentage. It doesn't cost you more money. You're taking money out of Amazon's pocket and supporting our show and do all your Amazon shopping via the David Feldman Show website. Also become a monthly subscriber and gain access to our premium episodes each individual episode costs $2.50. You can buy it or you can become a monthly subscriber. We accept all major credit cards for as little as $5.00 a month. You can gain access to all our premium episodes for only $5.00 a month. Go to DavidFeldmanshow.com Don't forget to friend me on Facebook. Please follow me on Twitter. I will be at QED in Astoria October 10th at 11.45. It's a free show. If you're visiting New York City and you want to see me perform for free, I'll be at QED in Astoria at 11.45 Saturday night. October 10th. Come by and say hello. It's free and it's me, our executive producer is Alex Brazel from the Chobras Studios in downtown Manhattan. I'm David Feldman. That'll do it for us.