 Jane, it says here in the encyclopedia that the female centipede has over 50 legs on each side. That's interesting, Irma, but I don't care. You don't care, but what about the male centipede? You must get a horse from whistling. Well, that's what you can expect when you listen to my friend Irma. Friendship, friendship, just a perfect friendship When other friendships have been forgotten There's will still be hope Lever Brothers Company, makers of swan, the soap with the exclusive super-creamed blend presents Our friend, Swan, with my friend, Irma Starring Mary Wilson as Irma, and Kathy Lewis as Jane Now struggling to get along, that 5.30 whistle is the prettiest music in the world. Why? Because after a murderous day of listening to the dictaphone, typing on my Remington, knocking myself out, answering phone calls, I long for that peace and quiet of home. But if you live with Irma Peterson, you can't wait until the office opens again. This may seem like a pretty tough attitude, but these are the things that bring it on. Right now, Irma is sitting cross-legged on the floor. In front of her is a jigsaw puzzle. It's supposed to be a farmhouse. Personally, I feel sorry for the farmer because the way Irma's fitted the pieces together, he'd have to go down the cellar to fix a leak in the roof. Irma, yes, Jane? You know, honey, it's none of my business, but don't you think it's rather odd to have the cow laying an egg? The farmer's wife grazing in the field? And the farmer pulling the plow with the horse driving? It's not my fault, Jane. I wish when they made these jigsaw puzzles, they wouldn't use such crooked scissors. Where does this last square piece go? It goes in your mouth, honey. It's a cookie. It fell off the table. Well, Jane, this is a fine time to tell me. I think I've eaten the chimney. Oh, I'm missing a piece. Look, sweetie, before I go to pieces, too, would you tell me if there was any mail for me? Oh, yes, Jane, there's a letter for you on the table. Here. Oh, thanks, honey. Why do you have your eyes closed? The envelope is marked personal. Thank you, Emily Post. What, Jane? Irma, it's happened. What's happened? They've accepted me for membership in the New York Professional Women's Club. Gee, Jane, you're taking an awful chance. Look what happened to that friend of ours. When he joined the club, he was sent away for ten years. You're a little clouded up, honey. He wasn't sent away for joining the club. He was sent away for using one. Irma, honey, do you feel badly about my joining the club? Well, a little, Jane, because, gosh, I always thought that you and I would always stick together. You know, like a pair, like the three musketeers. Yes. Oh, you mean like you and Al and I are a trio, like the four Marx brothers. Don't be silly, Jane. We're not all boys. Look, honey, my joining the club has nothing to do with our friendship. That will always remain. Besides, you don't have time to join a club. You see, I'll seven nights a week. Oh, I stopped doing that, Jane. I'm only going to see him six nights a week. I want to play hard to get. Now look, sweetie, let's not make a big issue out of this, huh? It's only one night a week, and it's not serious enough to break up our friendship. So let's just drop the subject. Okay, honey? Oh, it's okay with me. Oh. Irma, stop with the dramatics. I thought you said you'd forget the whole thing. I will. I don't care what you do. If you don't care, what are you crying about? If you really liked me, you'd get me into the club, too. All right. All right, you ask for it, so I'll tell you. I was trying to let you down easy, but here goes. I cannot get you into the club because I don't want to go through what I did when I got you to knit sweaters for the Red Cross. Well, I thought my sweaters were very attractive. They were, but you very seldom see a sailor with six arms. Well, my girlfriend Amber Lipscott says it seems that way every time she goes out with one. It's only me, Professor Kropatkin. Hello, Jamie and Irma, my two little telephones. One busy, the other disconnected. Excuse me, a little joke I read on the wall of a telephone. Professor, why are you looking so miserable? Girls, I don't know how to tell you this, but my heart's broken. Mrs. O'Reilly has fallen in love with somebody else. Oh, you don't mean it. It's a fact. Well, I don't know what to say, Professor, but gee, you mustn't take it so hard. I can't help myself. The man is a close friend. He's always been sickly, and a thing like this will kill him. But the whole thing has taught me a lesson. What's that, Professor? You should never mix love with business. The whole time I was courting her, she didn't do one thing to fix my room. But I was in love. I didn't notice. To me, the rain from the roof was nectar from the clouds. To me, the water leaking from the bathtub was wine. But this is all over and done with. Now I lay down the loft, Mrs. O'Reilly. Cupid goes out, the plumber comes in. Well, it just shows you sometimes your best friend's turn on you. Come on, girls, tell the old professor what's going on between my two little sweethearts. Ah, Professor Irm is a little upset. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. I've seen my two little sweethearts. Ah, Professor Irm is a little upset because I've been offered membership in the Professional Women's Club and she wants to join, too. Irma, darling, don't be a child. Why do you want to join a club? Most of them are silly. Take me. I belong to a club of all the waiters at the Gypsy Tea Room where I work. It's no fun. Only every year we have a big name contest. A name contest? Yeah. We think up new names to call the boss. Ah, Professor, you're just as bad as Jane. Two of you are just trying to keep me from joining a club. You don't think I'm smart enough to be an elk? Or a moose? Or an odd fellow? Well, I'm just as odd as the next fellow. Well, I mean that... Oh, Irma, be reasonable. In the first place, honey, I'm not a member yet myself, you know. I have to be interviewed by Mrs. Huntington, the head of the acceptance committee. I'm not too worried, though, because with all modesty, I think I'll pass. Well, what about me? If they ask me, I'd pass, too. I have as much modesty as you. Irma, let's face it, you're not the club type. Now, what happened last year when you applied for membership at the YWCA? They turned me down. And after your interview, what excuse did they give? A legitimate one. They weren't taking women last year. Remember when you tried to get into the 3rd Avenue Stenographers Club? Yes. And after the interview, what happened? Well, Jane, that was the year they weren't taking stenographers. I'm just a misfit. Irma darling, don't cry. I had the same experience last month when I tried to join the Lions. What happened? They told me this was the year they are just taking Lions. But I want to do the same thing Jane does. Jane, darling, if little Irma's got the heart set on it, why don't you see what you can do? Well, Professor, I was just about to suggest that. Oh, Jane, I'm so happy. Gosh, now we're more than just roommates. We're maternity brothers. Maternity brothers? Yeah, maternity brothers, and we must stick together because parting is such sweet sorority. Jane, you're a wonderful girl, and I'm sure Irma won't disgrace you. And now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go back to my room. At 3 o'clock, the tide goes out, and I want to see what it left. Oh crap, what can you beach comb are you? Now look, honey, here's the way we've got to work it. I'm going to go down now and be interviewed by Mrs. Hunting, can you see? And if I'm accepted, I'll recommend you, and then it'll be your turn to be interviewed. Oh, good, Jane. Oh, and to make a good impression, when I go down, I'll take that picture of Al's grandfather leading his club in a parade. Irma, I've told you a million times that's not a club he's leading, that's a posse chasing him. Hello, Jane. Hiya, chicken. Hi, Al. Hello, Al, honey. You mind if I sit down? I'm all in. Why? Someone mentioned the word work to you? Jane, I don't think it's wise for you to taunt a man that's on the verge of closing one of the biggest deals of our time. I'm maybe of all time. Oh, Al, not another deal. For sure. But, Al, I haven't gotten over your last one. Now, there was really a great idea, adding hair to coconut shells so you can sell them for two pays. Well, that deal didn't quite work out. A lot of the boys wanted permanent waves. But I got one now that can't miss. It's a domestic type deal, and natural for married men who stay out late. What is it, Al, honey? It's a lapel flower with a bulb attached filled with chloroform. So when you come home late at night and your wife asks where you've been, you squirt it and say you've just come from the hospital visiting a sick friend. What if she doesn't believe you? You don't care. By that time, the day must sound asleep. What do you think of that, Jane? Good night, Al. Never mind the cracks, Jane. I ain't gonna fight with you because I'm too busy planning for the future. You have a future? I resent you using the same tone as you used when I told you I had a mother. Honey, I believe in you. What were you going to say? Well, chicken, as you know, the subway fare is being raised the 1st of July from a nickel to a dime. Naturally, that means altering my whole financial structure. What do you mean, Al? Reconversion. Got to change all my nickel slugs into dime slugs. I've got to run along, Seamus is hunting to now. I hate to leave you alone. Well, but, Jane, you're not leaving me alone. Al's here. Oh, yeah. I forgot you're with Al. Nothing. Fue-tile female. Chicken can't warm up to that day. And one of these days I'm gonna change this atmosphere. What do you mean, Al? When we get married, I'll move in here and edge her out, little by little. Now, Al, honey, one thing I insist on. I love Jane, and I won't permit you to talk about her that way. I admit she's got a sharp tongue, but she's got a good head on the end of it. Well, maybe you're right. Jane's a pretty good kid. It's just that I'm all on edge. Must be nervous. Oh, Al, what can I do about it? Get me three or four sandwiches. Relaxes me. No coffee, it'll ruin my whole day. Keeps me awake. All right, Al, honey. And while I'm making you the snack, Al, I'd like to tell you about the club that Jane is going to try to get me into. Well, Mrs. Huntington, I guess that about covers it. From business college, I went to work for Mr. Rhinelander, and I've been there ever since. Well, Miss Stacy, allow me to congratulate you. You have an excellent record, and it's a pleasure to welcome you as a member of our organization. And, by the way, Jane, do you bowl? Oh, yes. Good. We're having a tournament tonight, and we'd like to have you try out for it. Our team is a little weak. Oh, I'd love to. Now, I wonder if I might ask you a favor. I room with a girl named Irma Peterson. She'd like very much to join the club, too. Is there a chance? Well, as a matter of fact, there is. I turned down an applicant this morning. A Miss McHugh. Oh, that's too bad. I mean, I'm glad for Irma, but I'm sorry it has to be at the expense of someone else. Well, you know the requirements of the club. And, frankly, when I interviewed this Miss McHugh, she turned out to be the dumbest girl I ever met. You mean there are two? Pardon? I'll have Irma here in an hour. Oh, that won't be necessary, Jane. Now, I'm going to be in your neighborhood this afternoon, and I'll drop in on Miss Peterson then. Fine, fine. Then I'll see you there. Oh, I'd rather you didn't. You see, I like to conduct the interviews in private. It saves embarrassment. I often hear things that make my hair stand on end. Well, I know you're going to look very stunning in your new upsweep. I'm going to drop in on you this afternoon. Oh, that's wonderful, Jane. What shall I do? Well, first of all, get rid of Al. Mrs. Huntington doesn't like anyone around during the interview. Well, but I'll need someone to help me, and Al knows all about interviews. Irma, the only interviews he'd be familiar with are the ones where two people are separated by a screen with a guard standing by. Mrs. Huntington, do the talking. You just listen. And remember now, honey, she's an important person, someone to look up to. All right, Jane. I'll sit on the floor. Goodbye, and... Come out, chicken. You look upset. Well, Mrs. Huntington is coming here to interview me for the club, and Jane says I should be alone. What does Jane know, chicken? I'll stay here with you. When we're finished talking to that dame, you'll get into that club unanimously. Unanimously? Nothing doing. I want to use my right name. Say, lady, just feel a cake of swan. It actually differs from other soaps. It feels smoother. As Susie Swan says, it's a smoothie. It's a smoothie. It's a cake of swan. You can feel that supercream blend. You can feel the difference in it. You can tell it in a minute. It's a smoothie. That's swan. Yes, thanks to swan's exclusive supercream blend, swan is the ideal soap for your complexion care. Why, even the way a cake of swan feels tells you that it differs from other soaps. Swan has an extra smoothness. You can actually feel in the cake itself. You can feel a difference in the lather, too. When you smooth it on your face, swan's lather feels richer, creamier. And here's a special beauty note. After you wash your face with swan, your skin feels different. Because thanks to swan's exclusive supercream blend, that swan lather rinses away so completely, your skin fairly glows with freshness and light. It looks softer, smoother, younger. Yes, ladies, for your complexion, the swan look is a young look. Full-fledged member of the women's professional club. I've reported to the captain of the bowling team, and for the past hour I've been practicing. With my first ball, I knocked over six pins. Guess I'm a little rusty, you see the pins run another alley. Gee, I'd like to go home and relax, but I can't because Irma's being interviewed by Mrs. Huntington. I hope she gets into the club. I think she might make it because Irma's a sweet kid, as long as she's not under the influence of Al. Now look, chicken, you're a lucky girl that you got me to influence you. Oh, I realize that, Al. You know, this Mrs. Huntington will be here any minute, and I want you to be calm. Oh, but I'm so nervous, Al. Why, chicken, haven't you ever belonged to a club before? Well, when I was a little girl in Minnesota, I was a campfire girl. Well, did you do anything to make them remember you? Yes, I burned down the fire. Well, you see, I have to cover up for you, chicken. And so that Mrs. Huntington will think that you're hip to clubs, I will teach you a secret handshake. Now this handshake starts out just like any other, but as you pull your hand away, you gently squeeze the fingers of the other person's hand. Let's try it. All right, I shake your hand like this, that I squeeze. I got your ring in my hand. I thought you were the wrong handshake. Well, Mrs. Huntington will be here any minute, and I just don't know how to behave. Oh, gosh, I can't go through with this. Chicken, you're getting excited over nothing. Just treat her like she was an old friend of yours. Now, what would you say if you just bumped into an old friend? Excuse me. No, chicken. Just say, um, hello, Mrs. Huntington. I'm glad you dropped in. Sorry the place is at your mess, but with so many clubs giving you the rush act, it's time to clean up. You got it? I think so. Let's see. Glad you dropped in. Place at your mess, clubs, rush act. Having time to clean up. Got it. Come in. How do you do? I'm Mrs. Huntington. Hello, I'm sorry you haven't had time to clean up. Um, chicken. Oh, I'm sorry. I've been rushing so well, you know how it is getting ready for a mess. Girl has a great sense of humor, Mrs. Huntington. Won't you have a seat? Thank you. Are you Miss Peterson? Yes, thank you. And this is Al. He's my fiancee. Thank you. Delighted. Thank you. Uh, Mrs. Huntington, I realize you wanted to be alone with chicken for the interview, but you see... Just a moment. You call her chicken? Yeah, well, you see, we feel darling as vulgar. She'd only be used in a mixed crowd. Yes, you know, Republicans and Democrats. Oh, really, I'm a little confused. Oh, we'll get along famously. Well, first of all, we'd like to know a little something about your background. Where were you born? In Minnesota. Of what part? Well, it's hard to say. What do you mean? Well, I was really born in Minnesota, but we had a big farm and part of it was in Wisconsin. Interesting. Yes, I guess that's why a lot of people say I'm a borderline case. I see. Now, what is your present occupation? I work for Mr. Clyde. What does he do? Oh, he's a lawyer. I see. And how long have you been with Mr. Clyde? Well, let me see. When I first went to work for him, he had curly black hair. Then it got gray. Now it's snow white. I guess I've been with him about six months. Madam, I hate to inject myself into this here conversation, but what chicken means is that due to her efficiency, he quadrupled his work. Why, chicken here is the cornerstone of Mr. Clyde's organization. Isn't that right, chicken? Well, Al, I like to be modest. Mr. Clyde doesn't exactly say I'm like a cornerstone, but he has said I had a head like a rock. Please, chicken. You'll have to excuse her, Mrs. Huntington. She gets a little flustered. But if you want a swell member for your club, I would advise you to act funny. I certainly will. Goodbye. Oh, G. Al, do you think I made a good impression? Impression? Believe me, chicken, you made a dent in her. I got a feeling you're home, and you're going to stay there. Oh, Jane, I'm dying to tell you the good news. Mrs. Huntington was here, and Al says I'm home. And for keeps. I just left Mrs. Huntington. She went straight to the bar and ordered six martinis. Well, what did she say about me? When I mentioned your name, she ordered six more. And this from a woman who has never touched a drop in her life. Well, G. Jane, she must really be happy to get me as she celebrates like that. Irma Peterson, don't you realize what you've done to me? And after the way I recommended you? Jane, I wish you wouldn't talk to me that way after all. We belong to the same club. Irma, can't you understand? Not only weren't you accepted, you were condemned. You mean I have no chance of getting in? Honey, I've got news for you. You couldn't get into that club if the building was on fire and you passed by with a bucket of water. Oh, Jane. Well, honey, you have only yourself to blame. Yeah, I've got to go out and meet the girls because we're going bowling tonight. Oh, Jane, don't leave me alone. Why not? Well, if I'm here all alone, I'll have to talk to... Well, I've no one to talk to but myself and if I get into an argument, I don't know which side to take. Honey, don't be ridiculous. Besides, I already promised the girls at the club that I'd bowl with them tonight. But, you know, I'm afraid to be left alone. Well, why don't you get Al to take you to a movie? Oh, movies, balconies. I'm not in the mood for love. Hiya, chicken. Hello, Jane. Oh, Al, for once I'm glad to see you. Irma, you've got Al to keep your company now. Why, what's the matter? Didn't Chicken get into the club? No, she didn't. Can't understand it. I thought I really poured it on him, Mrs. Huntington. You not only poured it on, you hit her with a bucket. Now, Al, you stay right here and keep Irma company until I get back in the bowling tournament, the West Side Bowling Alley. So long, kid. Oh, Al, I feel disgraced. I'm socially tabooed. Chicken, taboo is a perfume and right now your chances don't smell that good. But we're not going to take this here lying down. No woman's club's going to kick my girl around. This is a man's job. And there's only one man who can help us. Who else but... Hello, Joe. Al, got a problem. How do you get into a place where you're not wanted? What? You haven't got that problem? You want it in all 48 states? No, Joe, you don't understand. Irma's trying to get into a club. Now, if she was a good bowler, I think she could swing it. How does a dame learn to bowl fast? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Thanks, Joe. You're a pal. It's things like this that endear you to your fellow man. There must be a reward for you. Oh, there is, and your friends are trying to collect it. Goodbye, noble friend. Come on, chicken. Joe has given me the angle. We'll go down to that bowling alley and make them dame sorry they ever turned you down. Oh, Al, I'm so excited. I've never bowled before. I just can't wait until I jump over the net and congratulate the pinboy. The bowling tournament, and what is going on? I can't begin to describe. The entire crowd is at the far alley watching the greatest bowler you have ever seen. And who is it? Irma Peterson. Now, this I can't understand because not only has Irma never bowled before, but the one time I took her to a bowling alley, she refused to even lift the ball because she said it was imperfect. It had holes in it. And now there she stands. She's winding up like a cross between Bob Feller and a broken windmill. And there goes the ball. And there go the pins. All of them. And that makes her fifth straight strike. Well, I couldn't understand it, so I said, Irma, where did you learn to bow like this? You're just sensational. And Irma said, oh, it's easy. I just throw the ball and close my eyes. Close your eyes? Yes. But why? If I hit anybody, I don't want any witnesses. Not only has this knocked me off my pins, but the president of the bowling team has come over and said, Miss Stacy, forget about Mrs. Huntington. We want your roommate to bowl on our team tonight. Now you tell her that she's admitted to the club and get her to sign this application blank and we'll lead her off in the tournament right now. All right. All right, you're the president. Irma, Irma, I have wonderful news for you. What is it, Jane? You've been taken into the club. But I've got to know one thing. Why is it that no matter where you roll a ball, all the pins fall down? Well, don't ask me, ask Al. He's the pin boy. All right. Say, ladies, here's some news that will save you money. Yes, it's the Lever by Two Sale. Listen, you can save 50% on a modern heavy gauge aluminum saucepan, a two quart saucepan with a cover that's so useful in your kitchen. It's made of fine 18 gauge aluminum. And what's more, this beautiful saucepan has a no twist handle. And both the handle and the cover knob are made of no-burned Bakelite. And here's the good news. This gleaming saucepan of regal aluminum wear is worth $2. But you can get it for $1 if you take advantage of the Lever by Two Sale. Here's all you do to get it. Send box tops or wrappers from any two of these Lever products. Lux Flakes, Rinseau, Lux Toilet Soap, Life Boy, Silver Dust, Sprye, or Swan Soap. You can get handy order blanks at your store. Orders will be sent post-paid within three weeks. The offer expires August 1, 1948. It's subject to state and local regulations. Send your money with box tops or wrappers from two Lever products and your own name and address to Lever Homemakers Club, Box One, New York City. Well, we were in it. We had a stay in it. That is, Irma and I remain members of the club for almost 15 minutes. You see, Al kind of got his timing mixed up. Irma let off for our side and made a perfect strike, except for one small technicality. Al knocked all the pins down before the ball left Irma's hand. Anyway, now we're ex-club members. I feel terrible, but Irma is convinced she's an athlete. In fact, right now she's taken all our pills and all our medicine and poured them into a pillowcase. For goodness sakes, Irma, what are you doing? Well, I'm going into trading and I'm making a medicine ball. You know, speaking of medicine, there's nothing that will ever cure my friend Irma. My friend Irma presented by Swan and another fine product of Lever Brothers Company was produced and directed by Psy Howard. Tonight's script is written by Psy Howard and Park Levy and starred Mary Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane. The part of Professor Kropotkin was played by Hans Connery. Ladies, listen. The shortage of fats and oils is still very serious and it's worldwide. So please keep on saving every drop of used kitchen fat. Your butcher will pay you for every pound. Frank Bingman speaking. Yes, there's a reason why Spry makes grand cakes. Spry has an amazing cake improver secret. Try the Spry one bowl way and be sure of lighter, finer, richer cakes every time. No other type of shortening has Spry's cake improver. For new cake making success, try Spry, the pure, all vegetable shortening. Tune in next week, one hour earlier and listen to the Lux Radio Theatre immediately followed by my friend Irma. This is CBS where 99 million people gather every week. The Columbia Broadcasting System.