 Hey Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show. Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure, with Chuckles with a Carload and music by Maddie Malek. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, but Abbott and Lou Costello. All right, all right, all right, all right. All right, stop yelling. What are you shivering about? What's the matter? It's cold here tonight, Abbott. Why don't you buy an electric blanket? Well, I have one, they're kind of tricky. You know, I turned mine up too high and all night long, I kept dreaming I was a fried egg. Why didn't you turn it over? I couldn't, I always sleep sunny side up. What have you got there in that pocket of yours? Ah, in that pocket of mine? What is it? What have I got? Princess Elizabeth sent me a picture of her new baby. Let me see it. Say, the baby is cute. They say it weighed eight pounds, Lou. Yeah, weighed eight pounds. And it will be the first pounds England ever raised without the help of the United States. Costello, why don't you get smart? You're just an ignorant, uneducated, what? Who's ignorant and uneducated? I have, you know, I've worked my way through Vassar. Vassar's a girl's school. Well, that will give you a rough idea of the kind of work I was doing. I still say you're a dope. Oh, you shouldn't say that. I was a smart kid at it. When I was four years old, I learned how to say daddy. At four years old, you could say daddy? Yes, and when I was 12, I learned to say it to my father instead of my mother. Costello, you need somebody to watch over you. Why don't you get married? Not me. When you get married, there's always that honeydew. You mean honeymoon? No, honeydew. After the marriage, it's honeydew to dishes, honeydew to laundry, honeydew to the house. Get him out of here! And there'll be much more of that terrific Abbott and Costello humor in a few seconds after we hear a special message from this gentleman. What are you so excited about? Boy, did we have trouble at my house last night. Somebody stole my Aunt May's purse with all her savings in it. It was $87. Oh, that's a shame. Any low down dirty thief that would do a thing like that ought to be shut. Costello, I'm sorry. Costello, you ought to find him and shoot him. Abbott, I can't shoot my own uncle. Why doesn't your uncle might get a job and stop loafing around the house, Lou? He's got a job at the California Highway Traffic Department and his plan will simplify transportation in Southern California. Well, what is his plan? Now, here it is and it's very simple. Everybody listen. First he's going to move Cucamonga to Azusa. Then he's going to move Azusa to Cucamonga. Now, suppose a man wants to go to Azusa and he's in Cucamonga. Then he stays home and he's in Azusa. I think that's very simple. But wait a minute. Suppose a man lives in Cucamonga and he wants to stay in Cucamonga. Abbott, who wants to stay in Cucamonga? Well, when does he start to work with the traffic department? Well, they're breaking him in now. He's stationed up on Mulholland Drive on Saturday night. He's got a sound truck and he hollers out traffic messages to the motors to keep the roads open. What kind of messages? Well, like this, he hollers, moochers and neckers pull over to the side of the road and let the married couples through. Castella, your whole family are a bunch of stupid ignoramuses. They're all just like you. Did you ever go to college? Did you ever go to high school? Did you ever go to grammar school? When he gets to kindergarten, have I got an answer for him? Did you ever go to kindergarten? No, and that's my answer. That, Castella, is the reason you are so sadly lacking in intelligence. Yes, but don't forget, what I lack in intelligence, I make up in the stupidity. Yeah. Yes, but don't forget, stupid people don't live long. Oh, yeah, my grandfather's a hundred and four years old and he's alive. Was he the oldest member of your family, Lou? I got a look on my motorcycle. My uncle Tom's is a Miss in Baltimore. He died at the age of 130. He did. 130. Do tell. Last week, we dug him up and you want to know something about it? Why? He looks better than you do right now. Yeah. Castella, that's a pretty old joke. Yes, and he was a pretty old man. Castella, I didn't know you came from a family of long livers. Are you kidding? My brother-in-law choked Kirk as a liver 30 feet long. You know, it's been a long, it's been a long time since I heard that joke. Yes, and that's a long liver. I forgot about your family. You'd better start worrying about yourself, Lou. You don't look so good. That's because I haven't been sleeping much lately. What do you mean? Every night, I have the same nightmare. I dreamed there's a guy chasing me with a long sharp knife. He chases me all the way up Sunset Boulevard to Santa Monica, over the mountains, right up to my house in North Hollywood. And that's been going on for the past two weeks. Oh, that's terrible. It is. You must be completely worn out. Well, I would be, but for one thing. What's that? Last night, I found a shortcut. Uncle Louie, hey, Uncle Louie. It's Abbott's nephew, folks. What do you want, Norman? Uncle Louie, I heard you say you couldn't sleep and I hope you get some sleep real soon. Because when you don't sleep, you get irritable. And when you're irritable, you get mad at me. And when you get mad at me, you'll cut my salary. And when you cut my salary, I won't be able to pay my rent. And if I can't pay my rent, they'll evict me. And if I haven't got any home, then I'll be a bum. And you can't expect my wife to live with a bum just because you can't sleep. Abbott, I'm telling you right here and now. Your nephew, Norman, ain't going to amount to a thing. Why? I'll tell you why, because last week I got him a swell job. He wouldn't take it. He could have made a lot of money selling Santa and need a long underwear at half price. Well, how can they sell at half price? The factory forgot to put in a $2 window. I understand that you and Norman were over to my house last week while I was away. Yes. We built a new radio cabinet for your wife. And I took a bunch of wires and put them in a box and I sealed it up tight. And when I tuned it on, I couldn't get any music, only loud talking. And for the past week, all I get is talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Yes, it's a yes, it's a yes, it's a yes. Louie, Louie, did my wife like the cabinet? Not that you mention it. I haven't seen her since I sealed up the box. Mr. Costello, I'm studying radio at night at UCLA and there's one thing that I don't understand about radio. Well, friend, maybe we can help you. I have at night been making our living on radio for the last 10 years. Yeah, that's the one thing I can't understand. Now, enough is enough. Now, I don't mind you putting your relatives on a payroll. But why do they have to do that? Well, I don't mind you putting your relatives on a payroll. But why do they have to come in and bother me? Rock-a-bye, baby, in the treetop. Here, bud, have a cigar. Here, Louie, have a cigar. Rock-a-bye, baby, have a cigar, Malnik. Here, give all the boys in the band one, two. Rock-a-bye, baby. Hey, wait a minute. Hey, get a load of my nephew. Hey, Joe, why are you passing out cigars? I just got a call from the wife, bud. There's a pattern of little feet around my house. Everybody, have a cigar! Rock-a-bye, baby, in the treetop. Rock-a-bye, baby, in the treetop. I got it, I got it. Hello? Just a minute. It's for you, Joe. Thanks, Louie. You're welcome. Hello? Is that so? Yeah. Are you sure? Mm-hmm. Goodbye. All right, give back the cigars. Everybody, give back the cigars. But, Joe, Joe, what about the pattern of that pattern of little feet around the house? My wife just found out it's mice. That's another one of Abbot's relatives. Abbot, why don't you keep those Republican relations of yours out of here? Wait a minute. What makes you think my relations are Republican? There can't be that many Democrats out awake. I... Castella, why must you be so bitter towards my relatives? You should learn to be friendly with people. Don't you have any human interests? Only when I go to a burly show. What's a burly show got to do with human interests? Well, I'm human, and that's my interest. I... I mean, you should try to be more kind to people, even animals and birds and bees love each other. Why don't you get closer to nature and become a nature lover? I'm a nature lover. Well, if you are, then why do you spend all your time chasing girls? Well, that's my nature. Lover? Castella, why don't you stop chasing girls? You spend all your money on girls. You want to let me handle your money and invest it for you. Why, you might wind up with a corner on steel selling cars or a corner on wheat selling flour. Oh, yeah, yeah. A corner on hollywood and vines selling apples. Well, that only proves that you have no sense of values. Now, which would you prefer? A six-foot blonde or a piece of valuable land? I'll take the blonde. But the land I'm thinking of is on Wilshire Boulevard and has a beautiful front. The blonde I'm thinking of is on Wilshire Boulevard and has...you keep the land. Hello, boys. Well, leave it. This is not a little secretary. Hiya, girl. The olivar. Who? The olivar, not a little secretary. Well, Fioli, you look gorgeous tonight. How about you and me taking a ride in my car after the show? I found a new place to park. Really, a new place to park? Mm-hmm, up in the Hollywood Hills. A new place. You dummy, why, every guy in his brother parks up in the Hollywood Hills? They do not. I was up there last night and I looked in every car. And I wasn't one guy up there with his brother. Look here, Costello. I'll only go out with you on one condition. You'll have to treat me in the manner to which I'm accustomed. Before we park in the Hollywood Hills, you'll have to take me to a nightclub, buy me a bottle of champagne, a big juicy steak with mushrooms, and some crepe sousettes for dessert. Viola, when you go home at night, does your mother give you a bottle of champagne and a big steak smutter with mushrooms and crepe sousettes for dessert? No, but my mother isn't trying to park with me in the Hollywood Hills. That's telling you, Viola. All right, Viola, if that's the way you feel about it, you don't have to go out with me. I live just a stone's throw from the YWCA. Oh, how do you know it's only a stone's throw? Because every time I yell, hey, girls, they throw stones at me. Costello, I think you better forget about going out with me. You don't really love me. I do too. Well, then why don't you do something to prove it, Lou? Okay, I will. Viola, for you I'll jump off the roof of this building. You will? I've got a better idea. To prove my love for you, I'll dive through a plate glass window. Wait a minute. I've got a better idea. I know what I'll do. I'll go out in the alley and back in this building and let a bus run over me. Costello, buses don't run in the alley. Why don't you go out on Sunset Boulevard? I'm kidding. A guy can get killed out there. Costello, you've got to get no place with Viola. She's a warm-blooded affectionate girl. Do you just don't know how to treat a Lou? No. Mr. Abbott is right, Costello. I have a very affectionate nature. I haven't noticed it. No? Well, come here. Costello, I'm going to give you a kiss that'll make you shake and shiver like a bowl of jelly on a frosty morning. Now while we take a 60-second in a mission, we'd like you to consider this. Now, ladies and gentlemen, all over the country, here's our singer, Hal Winters, with one of the top tunes of the country. There are no stars to shine. There's no such thing as time. There's no such thing as spring. We're sent from heaven. There's no such thing as spring. We're sent from heaven. There's no such thing as law. Look at the fan letters I got this week. All of them are about my Sam Shovel Detective mysteries. Listen to this one. Dear Lou Costello, I love your Sam Shovel Detective shows. Your humor is so light and greasy. It rolls me over like water off a duck's back. I'm coming to see you tonight. Mr. Costello, someone's here to see you. Who is it? A duck with water rolling off his back. Never mind him, Costello. What's your Sam Shovel Detective story about tonight? Well, Abbott, it's a lovely... it's a love triangle. A love triangle. I thought the case of the secretary who was shot while sitting on her boss's knee or she was on her last lap. Now you're talking, let's do it. I'm Sam Shovel Private Detective. Last night I captured a desperate criminal, Muggsy Murray. He tried to get away so I shot him in the leg. I visited him in the hospital this morning. The doctor had removed the bullet, but Muggsy had a black eye. Seems that during the night he'd taken a turn for the nurse. That was... I'm tired. I'm very tired. I see spots before my eyes. Syros, Macambo, Slappy Maxxon. I'm seeing night spots. Look at my window, we're having typical California weather. Can't see a cloud in the sky. It's raining so hard I can't see the sky. I see a letter on my desk, I think I'll mail it. I open my stand box. I still have some Christmas seals left. I hear a knock on the door. A sailor walks into my office. He's wearing bell-bottom pants. The sailor speaks. Sam, I can get you a mink coat for half price. I can get you 50% off on a television set. He was a whole sailor. Hello, Sam Shovel Private Detective speaking. Hello, Sam, Lieutenant Abbott there. No. Well, when he comes in, the next time you see him, tell him I'm gonna knock his teeth out. I'll break every bone in his body. I'll cut him up into little pieces and I'll dump him in a wet barrel of cement and trap him in the river. Get that? Who shall I say called? A friend. It was some crook that's got it in for Lieutenant Abbott. Must be one of the Lewis gang. Abbott worked on that case, but he really butchered it. Then he went on to Kelly Case and he butchered that. He butchered the Vrello case. He didn't catch one crook, but he made plenty after all. Who makes more money these days than a butcher? I noticed that my office door is ajar. I think I'll close it. That's what I get for buying a door made out of jars. Next time I'll get a door made out of wood. I decide to sit in my arm chair. I don't know why I put that arm chair. When I'm tired, it's not my arms I want to rest. Hello, Sam Shovel. It was my pal Lieutenant Abbott of the Homicide Squad. Sam, I'm tired. Last night I nailed light-fingered Louis. I'm going to send him to jail for 20 years for side-swiping a car. How can you send a man to jail for 20 years for side-swiping a car? He swiped both sides. Both sides are noose. New Hudson. Where were you today, Sam? I look for you. I went to the movie this afternoon. But you went to a movie last night. Why did you go again this afternoon? I had to. I had some popcorn left over from last night. Really? Really though I didn't enjoy the picture. There was a guy on his girl, Mecking. First she'd kiss her, then she'd kiss him, then he'd kiss her. Wait a minute. Why'd you that annoy you? I was sitting between him. I've got a case in Texas that you could help me on. Do you know anything about the West? Lieutenant, when I was 12 years old, I could pack a gun. Were you a cowboy? No, I was a shipping clerk in a gun factory. Sam, this is a dangerous case. We're going out after a band of wrestlers. Did you ever wrestle? Only when I wear taffeta shorts. Can you ride a horse? I ride like my pants were nailed to the saddle. How do you do that? I nail my pants to the saddle. Sam, have you ever worked on a case involving a Texas bad man? Yes, I captured the toughest guy in Texas. Tough text to train, Ryber. He dropped trains the hard way. The hard way. He lifted him off the track and took him home. Then you're just the detective to help me out on this case. Come on, Sam, we're heading for Texas. I'm getting the horses tired. Lieutenant Abbott and I rode over to the Texas planes. Looking for them there, Russell. Pretty soon we came to some post. I'll marry you if you'll marry me. I'll marry you if you'll marry me. Well, we're hitching post. Suddenly I looked up and there standing beside me was the prettiest girl I've ever did see. Well, welcome to Texas, strangers. Who might you all be? I'm Lieutenant Abbott, not you. I'm Lieutenant Abbott of the Homicide Squad. I'm Lieutenant Abbott of the Homicide Squad. This is my pal, Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel? You don't mean Sam Shovel the great detective. Well, Sam, welcome to Texas. And I'm going to give you a great big Texas kiss. Sam boy, I'm the official Texas welcoming committee. And I kiss all strangers at the end of the state. I aim to please you. Well, honey, your aim is okay. But how long do you take your ammunition? We'll hold out. Head of the rush, Hector's Pan Speed. So you're Sam Shovel the private detective, huh? The one who's come down here to bust up my Russian gang, eh? I want to warn you, Sam. The last 50 detectives that came here, I've chalked them. I've chalked them with my bare hand. You hear me? With my bare hand. Goodness, how unsanitary. Sam, he's a dangerous man. You're right, Lieutenant. I'm the quickest drawer in the West. They don't call me Cactus Pants for nothing. I've got the best shooting eye in Texas. They don't call me Cactus Pants for nothing. Well, Cactus Pants, I'm taking you to jail. Well, take that. Don't be afraid of them, Sam. The stuff you're made of. One more punch like that, and the stuff I'm made of will be all over the ground. Sam Shovel, I'm challenging you to a duel. Choose your weapons, man. I'm taking you to jail. I'm taking you to jail. I'm taking you to jail. I'm challenging you to a duel. Choose your weapons, man. Knives, shotguns, or pistols. That's old-fashioned, Cactus Pants. We'll fight like Roy Rogers and Gene Autry do in the movies. Good. Gentlemen, here's your weapons. Stand back to back. Now walk five faces. Turn and let each other have it. May the best man win. Ready? Ready. Ready. One, two, three, four, five. You'll call everybody. You'll call everybody. All right. All right, Sam. Sam. You'll call everybody. Brad and Lowe will wind up tonight's hijinks in just a moment, folks, after a little advice from this fellow. Stella, before we sign off, let's tell a listen. It's who the people are that helped out to put our show up. Yes, you're not kidding. You mean the people who put our show together? Not. That's all the more reason why we should tell the listeners who they are. Okay, all right. Alrighty, staff is headed by Eddie Form with Paul Collin, Pat Costello, Martin Ragui and Leonard Stern. And our producer is Charles Van. Let's forget our band leader is Maddie Malik, and our singer is Hal Winters, and we'll all be looking for you next Thursday at the same time. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody in Patterson. Good night. We love you all. Good night. Here's the night of this time for another great Abbott and Costello show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.