 25 Showing, among a variety of pleasant matters, how majestic and impartial Mr. Nupkins was, and how Mr. Weller returned Mr. Job Trotter's shuttlecock as heavily as it came, with another matter which will be found in its place. Violent was Mr. Weller's indignation as he was born along, numerous were the allusions to the personal appearance and demeanor of Mr. Grummer and his companion, and valorous were the defiances to any sixth of the gentleman present in which he vented his dissatisfaction. Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle listened with gloomy respect to the torrent of eloquence which their leader poured forth from the sedan chair, and the rapid course of which not all Mr. Tuppman's earnest entreaties to have the lid of the vehicle closed were able to check for an instant. But Mr. Weller's anger quickly gave way to curiosity when the procession turned down the identical courtyard in which he had met with the runaway Job Trotter, the curiosity was exchanged for a feeling of the most gleeful astonishment when the all-important Mr. Grummer, commanding the sedan-bearers to halt, advanced with dignified and portentious steps to the very green gate from which Job Trotter had emerged, and gave a mighty pull at the bell-handle which hung at the side thereof. The ring was answered by a very smart and pretty-faced servant girl who, after holding up her hands in astonishment at the rebellious appearance of the prisoners and the impassioned language of Mr. Pickwick, summoned Mr. Muzzle. Mr. Muzzle opened one half of the carriage gate to admit the sedan, the captured ones, and the specials, and immediately slammed it in the faces of the mob, who, indignant at being excluded and anxious to see what followed, relieved their feelings by kicking at the gate and ringing the bell for an hour or two afterwards. In this amusement they all took part by turns except three or four fortunate individuals who, having discovered a grating in the gate which commanded a view of nothing, stared through it with the indefatigable perseverance with which people will flatten their noses against the front windows of a chemist's shop when a drunken man who has been run over by a dog cart in the street is undergoing a surgical inspection in the back parlor. At the foot of a flight of steps leading to the house door which was guarded on either side by an American aloe in a green tub, the sedan chairs stopped. Mr. Pickwick and his friends were conducted into the hall, whence, having been previously announced by Muzzle and ordered in by Mr. Knupkins, they were ushered into the worshipful presence of that public-spirited officer. The scene was an impressive one, well-calculated, to strike terror to the hearts of culprits and to impress them with an adequate idea of the stern majesty of the law. In front of a big bookcase and a big chair behind a big table and before a big volume sat Mr. Knupkins, looking a full-size larger than any one of them, big as they were. The table was adorned with piles of papers, and above the farther end of it appeared the head and shoulders of Mr. Jinx, who was busily engaged in looking as busy as possible. The party having all entered, Muzzle carefully closed the door and placed himself behind his master's chair to await his orders. Mr. Knupkins threw himself back with thrilling solemnity and scrutinized the faces of his unwilling visitors. "'Now, Grummer, who is that person?' said Mr. Knupkins, pointing to Mr. Pickwick, who, as the spokesman of his friends, stood hat in hand, bowing with the utmost politeness and respect. "'This here's Pickwick, your wash-up,' said Grummer. "'Come, none of that air, old strike-a-lite,' interposed Mr. Weller elbowing himself into the front rink. "'Beg your pardon, sir, but this here officer you earn, and the gambooge tops, will never earn a decent living as a master of the ceremonies anywhere.' "'This here, sir,' continued Mr. Weller, thrusting Grummer aside, and addressing the magistrate with pleasant familiarity, "'This here is Pickwick, Esquire. "'This here's Mr. Tupman, that air's Mr. Snodgrass, and farther on, next to him, on the other side, Mr. Winkle. "'All very nice gentlemen, sir, as you'll be very happy to have the acquaintance on, so the sooner you commence these here officers you earn to the treadmill for a month or two, the sooner we shall begin to be on a pleasant understanding. Business first, pleasure outerwards, as King Richard III said, when he stabbed Tother King in the tower, afore he smothered the babies. At the conclusion of this address Mr. Weller brushed his hat with his right elbow, and nodded benignly to jinx, who had heard him throughout with unspeakable awe. "'Who is this man, Grummer?' said the magistrate. "'Where, he desperate character, your worship,' replied Grummer. "'He attempted to rescue the prisoners and assault of the officers, so we took him into custody and brought him here.' "'You did quite right,' replied the magistrate. "'He is evidently a desperate ruffian.' "'He is my servant, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick angrily. "'Oh, he is your servant, is he?' said Mr. Nupkins. "'A conspiracy to defeat the ends of justice and murder its officers. Pickwick's servant. Put that down, Mr. Jinx.' Mr. Jinx did so. "'What's your name, fellow?' thundered Mr. Nupkins. "'Veller,' replied Sam. "'A very good name for the New Gate calendar,' said Mr. Nupkins. "'This was a joke, so Jinx, Grummer, doubly, all the specials and muzzle went into fits of laughter of five minutes duration.' "'Put down his name, Mr. Jinx,' said the magistrate. "'Two Ls, old feller,' said Sam. "'Here, an unfortunate special laughed again, whereupon the magistrate threatened to commit him instantly. It is a dangerous thing to laugh at the wrong man in these cases. "'Where do you live?' said the magistrate. "'Wherever I can,' replied Sam. "'Put down that, Mr. Jinx,' said the magistrate, who was fast rising into a rage. "'Score it under,' said Sam. "'He is a vagabond, Mr. Jinx,' said the magistrate. "'He is a vagabond on his own statement. Is he not, Mr. Jinx?' "'Certainly, sir.' "'Then I'll commit him. "'I'll commit him as such,' said Mr. Nupkins. "'This is a weary and partial country for justice,' said Sam. "'During a magistrate going is don't commit himself twice as he commits other people. But this sally and other special laughed, and then tried to look so supernaturally solemn that the magistrate detected him immediately. "'Grummer,' said Mr. Nupkins, reddening with passion, "'how dare you select such an inefficient and disreputable person for a special constable as that man? How dare you do it, sir?' "'I am very sorry, your wash-up,' stammered Grummer. "'Very sorry,' said the furious magistrate. "'You shall repent of this neglect of duty, Mr. Grummer. You shall be made an example of. Take that fellow's staff away. He's drunk. You're drunk, fellow.' "'I am not drunk,' your worship,' said the man. "'You are drunk,' returned the magistrate. "'How dare you say you are not drunk, sir, when I say you are. Doesn't he smell of spirits, Grummer?' "'Horrid,' your wash-up,' replied Grummer, who had a vague impression that there was a smell of Rome somewhere. "'I knew he did,' said Mr. Nupkins. I saw he was drunk when he first came into the room by his excited eye. Did you observe his excited eye, Mr. Jinx?' "'Certainly, sir.' "'I haven't touched a drop of spirits this morning,' said the man, who was as sober a fellow as need be. "'How dare you tell me a falsehood,' said Mr. Nupkins. "'Isn't he drunk at this moment, Mr. Jinx?' "'Certainly, sir,' replied Jinx.' "'Mr. Jinx,' said the magistrate, "'I shall commit that man for contempt. Make out his committal, Mr. Jinx.' And committed the special would have been only Jinx, who was the magistrate's advisor, having had a legal education of three years in a country attorney's office, whispered the magistrate that he thought it wouldn't do. So the magistrate made a speech and said that in consideration of the special's family he would merely reprimand and discharge him. Accordingly the special was abused vehemently for a quarter of an hour and sent about his business, and Grummer, doubly, muzzle, and all the other specials murmured their admiration of the magnanimity of Mr. Nupkins. "'Now, Mr. Jinx,' said the magistrate, "'swear, Grummer.' Grummer was sworn directly, but as Grummer wandered, and Mr. Nupkins' dinner was nearly ready, Mr. Nupkins cut the matter short by putting leading questions to Grummer, which Grummer answered as nearly in the affirmative as he could, so the examination went off, all very smooth and comfortable, and two assaults were proved against Mr. Weller, and a threat against Mr. Winkle, and a push against Mr. Snodgrass. When all this was done to the magistrate's satisfaction, the magistrate and Mr. Jinx consulted in whispers. The consultation having lasted about ten minutes, Mr. Jinx retired to his end of the table, and the magistrate, with a preparatory cough, drew himself up in his chair and was proceeding to commence his address when Mr. Pickwick interposed. "'I beg your pardon, sir, for interrupting you,' said Mr. Pickwick. But before you proceed to express and act upon any opinion you may have formed on the statements which have been made here, I must claim my right to be heard so far as I am personally concerned. "'Hold your tongue, sir,' said the magistrate, peremptorily. "'I must submit to you, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. "'Hold your tongue, sir,' interposed the magistrate, where I shall order an officer to remove you. "'You may order your officers to do whatever you please, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, but I have no doubt from the specimen I have had of the subordination preserved amongst them that whatever you order they will execute, sir. But I shall take the liberty, sir, of claiming my right to be heard until I am removed by force.' "'Pickwick and principal,' exclaimed Mr. Weller, in a very audible voice. "'Sam, be quiet,' said Mr. Pickwick. "'Dumb as a drum for the hole in it, sir,' replied Sam. Mr. Nupkins looked at Mr. Pickwick with a gaze of intense astonishment at his displaying such unwanted temerity, and was apparently about to return a very angry reply when Mr. Jinx pulled him by the sleeve and whispered something in his ear. To this the magistrate returned a half-oughtable answer, and then the whispering was renewed. Jinx was evidently remonstrating. At length the magistrate, gulping down with a very bad grace, his disinclination to hear anything more, turned to Mr. Pickwick and said sharply, "'What do you want to say?' "'First,' said Mr. Pickwick, sending a look through his spectacles, under which even Nupkins quailed, "'first I wish to know what I and my friend have been brought here for. "'Must I tell him?' whispered the magistrate to Jinx. "'I think you had better, sir,' whispered Jinx to the magistrate. "'An information has been sworn before me,' said the magistrate, "'that it is apprehended you are going to fight a duel, and that the other man, Tupman, "'is your aider and a better in it. "'Therefore,' said Mr. Jinx, "'certainly, sir, "'therefore I call upon you both to, I think that's the course, Mr. Jinx, "'certainly, sir, to, to what?' Mr. Jinx, said the magistrate, "'petishly, to find bail, sir. "'Yes, therefore I call upon you both,' as I was about to say when I was interrupted by my clerk, "'to find bail.' "'Good bail,' whispered Mr. Jinx. "'I shall require good bail,' said the magistrate. "'Townspeople,' whispered Jinx. "'They must be townspeople,' said the magistrate. "'Fifty pounds each,' whispered Jinx and householders, of course. "'I shall require two sureties of fifty pounds each,' said the magistrate, "'allowed with great dignity. "'And they must be householders, of course.' "'But bless my heart, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, "'who, together with Mr. Tupman, was all amazement and indignation. "'We are perfect strangers in this town. "'I have as little knowledge of any householders here as I have intention "'of fighting a duel with anybody.' "'I daresay,' replied the magistrate. "'I daresay, don't you, Mr. Jinx?' "'Certainly, sir. "'Have you anything more to say?' inquired the magistrate. "'Mr. Pickwick had a great deal more to say, which he would no doubt have said, "'very little to his own advantage, or the magistrate's satisfaction. "'If he had not, the moment he ceased speaking, "'been pulled by the sleeve by Mr. Weller, "'with whom he was immediately engaged, and so earnest a conversation, "'that he suffered the magistrate's inquiry to pass wholly unnoticed. "'Mr. Nupkins was not the man to ask a question of the kind twice over, "'and so, with another preparatory cough, he proceeded, "'amidst the reverential and admiring silence of the constables, "'to pronounce his decision. "'He should find Weller two pounds for the first assault "'and three pounds for the second. "'He should find Winkle two pounds and Snodgrass one pound, "'besides requiring them to enter into their own recognizances "'to keep the peace towards all his majesty's subjects "'and especially towards his liege-servant Daniel Grummer. "'Pickwick and Tubman he had already held to bail. "'Immediately on the magistrate ceasing to speak, Mr. Pickwick, "'with a smile mantling on his again good-humored countenance, "'stepped forward and said, "'I beg the magistrate's pardon, "'but may I request a few minutes' private conversation with him "'on a matter of deep importance to himself?' "'What?' said the magistrate. "'Mr. Pickwick repeated his request. "'This is a most extraordinary request,' said the magistrate. "'A private interview?' "'A private interview,' replied Mr. Pickwick firmly, "'only as a part of the information which I wish to communicate "'is derived from my servant, I should wish him to be present.' "'The magistrate looked at Mr. Jinx. "'Mr. Jinx looked at the magistrate. "'The officers looked at each other in amazement. "'Mr. Nupkins turned suddenly pale. "'Could the man Weller, in a moment of remorse, "'have divulged some secret conspiracy for his assassination? "'It was a dreadful thought. "'He was a public man, and he turned paler "'as he thought of Julius Caesar and Mr. Percival. "'The magistrate looked at Mr. Pickwick again "'and beckoned Mr. Jinx. "'What do you think of this request, Mr. Jinx?' murmured Mr. Nupkins. "'Mr. Jinx, who didn't exactly know what to think of it "'and was afraid he might offend, "'smiled feebly after a dubious fashion, "'and screwing up the corners of his mouth "'shook his head slowly from side to side. "'Mr. Jinx,' said the magistrate gravely, "'you are an ass.' "'At this little expression of opinion, "'Mr. Jinx smiled again, rather more feebly than before, "'and edged himself by degrees back into his own corner. "'Mr. Nupkins debated the matter within himself "'for a few seconds, and then, rising from his chair "'and requesting Mr. Pickwick and Sam to follow him, "'led the way into a small room "'which opened into the justice parlor. "'Desiring Mr. Pickwick to walk to the upper end "'of the little apartment and holding his hand "'upon the half-closed door "'that he might be able to effect an immediate escape "'in case there was the least tendency "'to a display of hostilities, "'Mr. Nupkins expressed his readiness "'to hear the communication, whatever it might be. "'I will come to the point at once, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. "'It affects yourself and your credit materially. "'I have every reason to believe, sir, "'that you are harboring in your house a gross imposter.' "'Two,' interrupted Sam, "'Mulberry again all-nader for cheers and willowny. "'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, "'if I am to render myself intelligible to this gentleman, "'I must beg you to control your feelings.' "'Wary sorry, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. "'But when I think of that air job, "'I can't help open in the while the inch or two.' "'In one word, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, "'is my servant right in suspecting "'that a certain Captain Fitzmartial "'is in the habit of visiting here?' "'Because,' added Mr. Pickwick, "'as he saw that Mr. Nupkins was about to offer "'a very indignant interruption, "'because, if he be, I know that person to be a—' "'Hush, hush,' said Mr. Nupkins, closing the door. "'Know him to be what, sir?' "'An unprincipled adventurer, a dishonorable character, "'a man who prays upon society "'and makes easily deceived people his dupes, sir. "'His absurd, his foolish, his wretched dupes, sir,' "'said the excited Mr. Pickwick. "'Dear me,' said Mr. Nupkins, "'turning very red and altering his whole manner directly. "'Dear me, Mr.—' "'Pickwick,' said Sam. "'Pickwick,' said the magistrate. "'Dear me, Mr. Pickwick, pray take a seat. "'You cannot mean this. "'Captain Fitzmartial?' "'Don't call him a Captain,' said Sam. "'Nor Fitzmartial neither. "'He ain't neither one nor tether. "'He's a strolling actor, he is, and his name's Jingle. "'And if ever there was a wolf in a mulberry suit, "'that air Job trotters him.' "'It is very true, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, "'replying to the magistrate's look of amazement. "'My only business in this town "'is to expose the person of whom we now speak.' "'Mr. Pickwick proceeded to pour "'into the horror-stricken ear of Mr. Nupkins "'and a bridged account of all Mr. Jingle's atrocities. "'He related how he had first met him, "'how he had eloped with Miss Wardle, "'how he had cheerfully resigned the lady "'for a pecuniary consideration, "'how he had entrapped himself "'into a lady's boarding school at midnight, "'and how he, Mr. Pickwick, "'now felt it his duty to expose his assumption "'of his present name and rank.' "'As the narrative proceeded, "'all the warm blood in the body of Mr. Nupkins "'tingled up into the very tips of his ears, "'he had picked up the captain "'at a neighboring race course, "'charmed with his long list of aristocratic acquaintance, "'his extensive travel, and his fashionable demeanor, "'Mrs. Nupkins and Miss Nupkins "'had exhibited Captain Fitz-Marshall "'and quoted Captain Fitz-Marshall "'and hurled Captain Fitz-Marshall "'at the devoted heads of their select circle of acquaintance "'until their bosom friends, "'Mrs. Porkenham and the Mrs. Porkenhams "'and Mr. Sidney Porkenham "'were ready to burst with jealousy and despair. "'And now to hear, after all, "'that he was a needy adventurer, a strolling player, "'and if not a swindler, something so very like it "'that it was hard to tell the difference. "'Heavens, what would the Porkenhams say? "'What would be the triumph of Mr. Sidney Porkenham "'when he found that his addresses "'had been slighted for such arrival? "'How should he, Nupkins, "'meet the eye of old Porkenham "'at the next quarter-sessions? "'And what a handle would it be "'for the opposition magisterial party "'if the story got abroad?' "'But after all,' said Mr. Nupkins, "'brightening for a moment after a long pause, "'after all, this is a mere statement. "'Captain Fitzmartial is a man of very engaging manners, "'and I daresay has many enemies. "'What proof have you of the truth of these representations?' "'Confront me with him,' said Mr. Pickwick, "'that is all I ask and all I require. "'Confront him with me and my friends here. "'You will want no further proof.' "'Why?' said Mr. Nupkins, "'that might be very easily done "'for he will be here tonight. "'And then there would be no occasion "'to make the matter public, "'just for the young man's own sake, you know. "'I should like to consult Mrs. Nupkins "'on the propriety of the step in the first instance, though. "'At all events, Mr. Pickwick, "'we must dispatch this legal business "'before we can do anything else. "'Pray step back into the next room.' "'Into the next room they went.' "'Grummer,' said the magistrate, "'in an awful voice. "'Your wash-up,' replied Grummer "'with the smile of a favorite. "'Come, come, sir,' said the magistrate sternly. "'Don't let me see any of this levity here. "'It is very unbecoming, "'and I can assure you that you have very little to smile at. "'Was the account you gave me just now strictly true? "'Now be careful, sir.' "'Your wash-up,' the stammered Grummer, "'I, oh, you are confused, are you?' "'said the magistrate. "'Mr. Jinx, you observe this confusion?' "'Certainly, sir,' replied Jinx. "'Now,' said the magistrate, "'repeat your statement, Grummer, "'and again I warn you to be careful. "'Mr. Jinx, take his words down.' "'The unfortunate Grummer proceeded to restate his complaint. "'But what between Mr. Jinx's taking down his words "'and the magistrate's taking them up, "'his natural tendency to rambling and his extreme confusion, "'he managed to get involved in something under three minutes "'in such a mess of entanglement and contradiction "'that Mr. Knupkin's at once declared he didn't believe him. "'So the fines were remitted, "'and Mr. Jinx found a couple of bail in no time, "'and all these solemn proceedings, "'having been satisfactorily concluded, "'Mr. Grummer was ignominiously ordered out, "'an awful instance of the instability of human greatness "'and the uncertain tenure of great men's favor.' "'Mrs. Knupkin's was a majestic female "'in a pink gauze turban and a light brown wig. "'Mrs. Knupkin's possessed all her mama's haughtiness "'without the turban and all her ill-nature without the wig, "'and whenever the exercise of these two amiable qualities "'involved mother and daughter in some unpleasant dilemma, "'as they not infrequently did, "'they both concurred in laying the blame "'on the shoulders of Mr. Knupkin's. "'Accordingly, when Mr. Knupkin sought Mrs. Knupkin's "'and detailed the communication "'which had been made by Mr. Pickwick, "'Mrs. Knupkin's suddenly recollected "'that she had always expected something of the kind. "'That she had always said it would be so "'that her advice was never taken, "'that she really did not know what Mr. Knupkin's supposed "'she was, and so forth.' "'The idea,' said Mrs. Knupkin's, "'forcing a tier of very scanty proportions "'into the corner of each eye, "'the idea of my being made such a fool of. "'You may thank your papa, my dear,' said Mrs. Knupkin's, "'how I have implored and begged that man "'to inquire into the captain's family connections, "'how I have urged and then treated him "'to take some decisive step. "'I am quite certain nobody would believe it quite.' "'But, my dear,' said Mr. Knupkin's, "'don't talk to me, you aggravating thing, don't,' "'said Mrs. Knupkin's. "'My love,' said Mr. Knupkin's, "'you professed yourself very fond of Captain Fitzmartial. "'You have constantly asked him here, my dear, "'and you have lost no opportunity "'of introducing him elsewhere.' "'Didn't I say so, Henrietta?' cried Mrs. Knupkin's, "'appealing to her daughter with the air "'of a much-injured female. "'Didn't I say that your papa would turn round "'and lay all this at my door? "'Didn't I say so?' "'Here, Mrs. Knupkin's sobbed. "'Oh, pa!' remonstrated Mrs. Knupkin's, "'and he or she sobbed, too. "'Isn't it too much when he has brought all this disgrace "'and ridicule upon us to taunt me "'with being the cause of it?' exclaimed Mrs. Knupkin's. "'How could we ever show ourselves in society?' said Mrs. Knupkin's. "'How can we face the pork and hams?' cried Mrs. Knupkin's. "'Or the grigs!' cried Mrs. Knupkin's. "'Or the slum and talcans!' cried Mrs. Knupkin's. "'But what does your papa care? What is it to him?' At this dreadful reflection Mrs. Knupkin's wept mental anguish and Mrs. Knupkin's followed on the same side. Mrs. Knupkin's tears continued to gush forth with great velocity until she had gained a little time to think the matter over, when she decided in her own mind that the best thing to do would be to ask Mr. Pickwick and his friends to remain until the captain's arrival and then to give Mr. Pickwick the opportunity he sought. If it appeared that he had spoken truly, the captain could be turned out of the house without noising the matter abroad and they could easily account to the pork and hams for his disappearance by saying that he had been appointed through the court influence of his family to the governor generalship of Sierra Leone, of Sager Point or any other of those salubrious climates which enchant Europeans so much that when they once get there they can hardly ever prevail upon themselves to come back again. When Mrs. Knupkin's dried up her tears, Mrs. Knupkin's dried up hers and Mr. Knupkin's was very glad to settle the matter as Mrs. Knupkin's had proposed. So Mr. Pickwick and his friends, having washed off all marks of their late encounter, were introduced to the ladies and soon afterwards to their dinner and Mr. Weller, whom the magistrate with his peculiar sagacity had discovered in half an hour to be one of the finest fellows alive was consigned to the care and guardianship of Mr. Muzzle, who was specially enjoined to take him below and make much of him. How did you, sir, said Mr. Muzzle, as he conducted Mr. Weller down the kitchen stairs. Why no considerable change has taken place in the state of my system since I see you cocked up behind your governor's chair in the parlor a little while ago, replied Sam. You will excuse my not taking more notice of you then, said Mr. Muzzle. You see, master hadn't introduced us then. Lord, how fond he is of you, Mr. Weller, to be sure. Ah, said Sam, what a pleasant chap he is. Ain't he, replied Mr. Muzzle. So much humor, said Sam, and such a man to speak, said Mr. Muzzle, how his ideas flow, don't they? Wonderful, replied Sam. There comes a pouring out, knocking each other's heads so fast that they seem to stun one another. You hardly know what is harder, do you? That's the great merit of his style of speaking, rejoined Mr. Muzzle. Take care of the last step, Mr. Weller. Would you like to wash your hands, sir, before we join the ladies? Here's a sink with the water laid on, sir, and a clean jack towel behind the door. Ah, perhaps I may as well have a rinse, replied Mr. Weller, applying plenty of yellow soap to the towel and rubbing away till his face shone again. How many ladies are there? Only two in our kitchen, said Mr. Muzzle, cook and housemaid. We keep a boy to do the dirty work and a gal besides, but they dine in the wash-us. Oh, they dine in the wash-us, do they? Said Mr. Weller. Yes, replied Mr. Muzzle. We tried him at our table when they first come, but we couldn't keep him. The gal's manners is dreadful, vulgar, and the boy breathes so very hard while he's eating that we found it impossible to sit at table with him. Young Grampus, said Mr. Weller. Oh, dreadful, rejoined Mr. Muzzle. But that is the worst of country service, Mr. Weller. The juniors is always so very savage. This way, sir, if you please, this way. Preceding Mr. Weller with the utmost politeness, Mr. Muzzle conducted him into the kitchen. Mary, said Mr. Muzzle to the pretty servant girl, this is Mr. Weller, a gentleman his master has sent down to be made as comfortable as possible. And your master's a known hand and has just sent me to the right place, said Mr. Weller, with a glance of admiration at Mary. If I was master of this here-house, I should always find the materials for comfort where Mary was. Lord Mr. Weller, said Mary, blushing, well, I never ejaculated the cook. Bless me, cook, I forgot you, said Mr. Muzzle. Mr. Weller, let me introduce you. How are you, ma'am, said Mr. Weller? Very glad to see you indeed, and hope our acquaintance may be along on, as the gentleman said to the five-pun note. When this ceremony of introduction had been gone through, the cook and Mary retired into the back kitchen to titter for 10 minutes, then returning all giggles and blushes they sat down to dinner. Mr. Weller's easy manners and conversational powers had such irresistible influence with his new friends that before the dinner was half over, they were on a footing of perfect intimacy and in possession of a full account of the delinquency of Job Trotter. I never could have bear that, Job, said Mary. No more you never ought to, my dear, replied Mr. Weller. Why not, inquired Mary, because ugliness and spindle never ought to be familiar with elegance and virtue, replied Mr. Weller, and thought they, Mr. Muzzle. Not by no means, replied that gentleman. Here Mary laughed and said the cook had made her and the cook laughed and said she hadn't. I hadn't got a glass, said Mary. Drink with me, my dear, said Mr. Weller. Put your lips to this here tumbler and then I can kiss you by deputy. For shame, Mr. Weller, said Mary. What's a shame, my dear? Talking in that way. Nonsense, it ain't no harm, it's nader, ain't it, cook? Don't ask me, imprints, replied the cook in a high state of delight, and hereupon the cook and Mary laughed again till what between the beer and the cold meat and the laughter combined, the latter young lady was brought to the verge of choking, an alarming crisis from which she was only recovered by sundry pats on the back and other necessary attentions, most delicately administered by Mr. Samuel Weller. In the midst of all this jollity and conviviality, a loud ring was heard at the garden gate to which the young gentleman who took his meals in the wash house immediately responded. Mr. Weller was in the height of his attentions to the pretty housemate. Mr. Muzzle was busy doing the honors of the table and the cook had just paused to laugh in the very act of raising a huge morsel to her lips when the kitchen door opened and in walked Mr. Job Trotter. We have said in walked Mr. Job Trotter but the statement is not distinguished by our usual scrupulous adherents to fact. The door opened and Mr. Trotter appeared. He would have walked in and was in the very act of doing so indeed when catching sight of Mr. Weller he involuntarily shrank back a pace or two and stood gazing on the unexpected scene before him perfectly motionless with amazement and terror. Here he is, said Sam, rising with great glee. Why, we were that wary moment of speaking to you. How are you? Where have you been? Come in. Laying his hand on the mulberry collar of the unresisting Job, Mr. Weller dragged him into the kitchen and locking the door handed the key to Mr. Muzzle who very coolly buttoned it up in a side pocket. Well, here's a game, cried Sam. Only think of my master having the pleasure of meeting you on upstairs and me having the joy of meeting you down here. How are you getting on and how is the chandlery business likely to do? Well, I am so glad to see you. How happy you look. It's quite a treat to see you. Ain't it, Mr. Muzzle? Quite, said Mr. Muzzle. So cheerful he is, said Sam. In such good spirits, said Muzzle. And so glad to see us that makes it so much more comfortable, said Sam. Sit down, sit down. Mr. Trotter suffered himself to be forced into a chair by the fireside. He cast his small eyes first on Mr. Weller and then on Mr. Muzzle, but said nothing. Well now, said Sam, before these here ladies, I should just like to ask you as a sort of curiosity, whether you don't consider yourself as nice and well-behaved a young gentleman has ever used the pink check pocket handkerchief in the number four collection. And as was ever going to be married to a cook, said that lady indignantly, the villain, and leave off his evil ways and set up in the chandlery line, art a words, said the housemaid. Now, I'll tell you what it is, young man, said Mr. Muzzle, solemnly, enraged at the last two allusions. This here lady, pointing to the cook, keeps company with me. And when you presume, sir, to talk of keeping chandler shops with her, you injure me in one of the most delicate points in which one man can injure another. Do you understand that, sir? Here, Mr. Muzzle, who had a great notion of his eloquence in which he imitated his master, paused for a reply. But Mr. Trotter made no reply, so Mr. Muzzle proceeded in a solemn manner. It's very probable, sir, that you won't be wanted upstairs for several minutes, sir, because my master is, at this moment, particularly engaged in settling the hash of your master, sir, and therefore you'll have leisure, sir, for a little private talk with me, sir. Do you understand that, sir? Mr. Muzzle again paused for a reply, and again Mr. Trotter disappointed him. Well then, said Mr. Muzzle, I'm very sorry to have to explain myself before ladies, but the urgency of the case will be my excuse. The back kitchen's empty, sir. If you will step in there, sir. Mr. Weller will see fair and we can have mutual satisfaction till the bell rings. Follow me, sir. As Mr. Muzzle uttered these words, he took a step or two towards the door, and by way of saving time began to pull off his coat as he walked along. Now the cook no sooner heard the concluding words of this desperate challenge and saw Mr. Muzzle about to put it into execution, then she uttered a loud and piercing shriek and rushing on Mr. Job Trotter, who rose from his chair on the instant, tore and buffeted his large, flat face with an energy peculiar to excited females, and twining her hands in his long black hair, tore there from about enough to make five or six dozen of the very largest-sized morning rings. Having accomplished this feat with all the ardor which her devoted love for Mr. Muzzle inspired, she staggered back, and being a lady of very excitable and delicate feelings, she instantly fell under the dresser and fainted away. At this moment the bell rang. That's for you, Job Trotter, said Sam, and before Mr. Trotter could offer remonstrance or reply, even before he had time to staunch the wounds inflicted by the insensible lady, Sam seized one arm and Mr. Muzzle the other, and one pulling before and the other pushing behind, they conveyed him upstairs and into the parlor. It was an impressive tableau. Alfred Jingle Esquire, alias Captain Fitz Marshall, was standing near the door with his hat in his hand and a smile on his face, wholly unmoved by his very unpleasant situation. Confronting him stood Mr. Pickwick, who had evidently been inculating some high moral lesson, for his left hand was beneath his coattail and his right extended in air as was his want when delivering himself of an impressive address. At a little distance stood Mr. Tubman with indignant countenance, carefully held back by his two younger friends at the farther end of the room where Mr. Knupkins, Mrs. Knupkins, and Ms. Knupkins gloomily grand and savagely vexed. What prevents me, said Mr. Knupkins with magisterial dignity as Job was brought in, what prevents me from detaining these men as rogues and imposters? It is a foolish mercy, what prevents me? Pride, old fellow pride, replied Jingle, quite at his ease, wouldn't do, no go, caught a captain, eh, ha, ha, very good, husband for daughter, bite her bit, make it public, now, for worlds look stupid, very wretch, said Mr. Knupkins, we scorn your base insinuations. I always hated him, added Henrietta. Oh, of course, said Jingle, tall young man, old lovers, Sidney, pork and hem, rich, fine fellow, not so rich as captain, though, eh, turned him away, off with him, anything for captain, nothing like captain anywhere, all the girls raving mad, eh, Job, eh? Here Mr. Jingle laughed very hardly in Job, rubbing his hands with delight out of the first sound he had given vent to since he entered the house. A low, noiseless chuckle, which seemed to intimate that he enjoyed his laugh too much to let any of it escape in sound. Mr. Knupkins, said the elder lady, this is not a fit conversation for the servants to overhear, let these wretches be removed. Certainly, my dear, said Mr. Knupkins, muzzle, your worship, open the front door. Yes, your worship, leave the house, said Mr. Knupkins, waving his hand emphatically. Jingle smiled and moved towards the door. Stay, said Mr. Pickwick, Jingle stopped. I might, said Mr. Pickwick, have taken a much greater revenge for the treatment I have experienced at your hands and that of your hypocritical friend there. Job trodder bowed with great politeness and laid his hand upon his heart. I say, said Mr. Pickwick, growing gradually angry, that I might have taken a greater revenge, but I content myself with exposing you, which I consider a duty I owe to society. This is a leniency, sir, which I hope you will remember. When Mr. Pickwick arrived at this point, Job trodder with facetious gravity applied his hand to his ear as if desirous not to lose a syllable he uttered. And I have only to add, sir, said Mr. Pickwick, now thoroughly angry, that I consider you a rascal and a ruffian and worse than any man I ever saw or heard of, except that pious and sanctified vagabond in the mulberry livery. Ha, ha, said Jingle, good fellow, Pickwick, fine heart, stout old boy, but must not be passionate, bad thing, very. Bye-bye, see you again someday. Keep up your spirits. Now, Job trot. With these words Mr. Jingle stuck on his hat in his old fashion and strode out of the room. Job trotter paused, looked round, smiled, and then with a bow of mock solemnity to Mr. Pickwick and a wink to Mr. Weller, the audacious slinus of which baffles all description followed the footsteps of his hopeful master. Sam said, Mr. Pickwick, as Mr. Weller was following, sir, stay here, Mr. Weller seemed uncertain. Stay here, repeated Mr. Pickwick. Man, I polished that at Job off in the front garden, said Mr. Weller. Certainly not, replied Mr. Pickwick. Man, I kick him out of the gate, sir, said Mr. Weller, not on any account, replied his master. For the first time since his engagement, Mr. Weller looked for a moment discontented and unhappy. But his countenance immediately cleared up for the wily Mr. Muzzle by concealing himself behind the street door and rushing violently out at the right instant, contrived with great dexterity to overturn both Mr. Jingle and his attendant down the flight of steps into the American aloe tubs that stood beneath. Having discharged my duty, sir, said Mr. Pickwick to Mr. Nupkins, I will with my friends bid you farewell. While we thank you for such hospitality as we have received, permit me to assure you in our joint names that we should not have accepted it or have consented to extricate ourselves in this way from our previous dilemma had we not been impelled by a strong sense of duty. We return to London tomorrow. Your secret is safe with us. Having thus entered his protest against their treatment of the morning, Mr. Pickwick bowed low to the ladies and notwithstanding the solicitations of the family left the room with his friends. Get your hat, Sam, said Mr. Pickwick. It's below stairs, sir, said Sam, and he ran down after it. Now there was nobody in the kitchen but the pretty housemaid, and as Sam's hat was mislaid, he had to look for it, and the pretty housemaid lighted him. They had to look all over the place for the hat. The pretty housemaid, in her anxiety to find it, went down on her knees and turned over all the things that were heaped together in a little corner by the door. It was an awkward corner. You couldn't get at it without shutting the door first. Here it is, said the pretty housemaid. This is it, ain't it? Let me look, said Sam. The pretty housemaid had stood the candle on the floor and doesn't give a very dim light. Sam was obliged to go down on his knees before he could see whether it really was his own hat or not. It was a remarkably small corner, and so it was nobody's fault but the man's who built the house. Sam and the pretty housemaid were necessarily very close together. Yes, this is it, said Sam. Goodbye, goodbye, said the pretty housemaid. Goodbye, said Sam, and as he said, he dropped the hat that had caused so much trouble in looking for. How awkward you are, said the pretty housemaid. You'll lose it again if you don't take care. So just to prevent his losing it again, she put it on for him. Whether it was that the pretty housemaid's face looked prettier still when it was raised toward Sam's, or whether it was the accidental consequence of their being so near to each other is matter of uncertainty to this day. But Sam kissed her. You don't mean to say you did that on purpose, said the pretty housemaid, blushing. No, I didn't then, said Sam. But I will now. So he kissed her again. Sam, said Mr. Pickwick, calling over the banisters. Coming, sir, replied Sam, running upstairs. How long you have been, said Mr. Pickwick. There was something behind the door, sir, which prevented our getting it open for ever so long, sir, replied Sam. And this was the first passage of Mr. Weller's first love. End of chapter 25. Chapter 26 of the Pickwick Papers. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Deborah Lynn. The Pickwick Papers by Charles Dickens. Chapter 26, which contains a brief account of the progress of the action of Bardell against Pickwick. Having accomplished the main end and object of his journey by the exposure of jingle, Mr. Pickwick resolved on immediately returning to London with the view of becoming acquainted with the proceedings which had been taken against him in the meantime by Messers Dodson and Fogg. Acting upon this resolution with all the energy and decision of his character, he mounted to the back seat of the first coach left Ipswich on the morning after the memorable occurrences detailed at length in the two preceding chapters. And accompanied by his three friends and Mr. Samuel Weller arrived in the metropolis in perfect health and safety the same evening. Here are the friends for a short time separated. Messers Tubman, Winkle and Snodgrass repaired to their several homes to make such preparations as might be requisite for their forthcoming visit to Dingley-Dell. And Mr. Pickwick and Sam took up their present abode in very good old-fashioned and comfortable quarters to wit the George and Vulture Tavern and Hotel George Yard Lombard Street. Mr. Pickwick had dined, finished his second pint of particular port, pulled his silk handkerchief over his head, put his feet on the fender and thrown himself back in an easy chair when the entrance of Mr. Weller with his carpet bag aroused him from his tranquil meditation. Sam, said Mr. Pickwick, sir, said Mr. Weller. I have just been thinking, Sam, said Mr. Pickwick, that having left a good many things at Mrs. Bardell's in Goswell Street, I ought to arrange for taking them away before I leave town again. Very good, sir, replied Mr. Weller. I could send them to Mr. Tubman's for the present, Sam, continued Mr. Pickwick. But before we take them away, it is necessary that they should be looked up and put together. I wish you would step up to Goswell Street, Sam, and arrange about it. At once, sir, inquired Mr. Weller. At once, replied Mr. Pickwick. And stay, Sam, added Mr. Pickwick, pulling out his purse. There is some rent to pay. The quarter is not due till Christmas, but you may pay it and have done with it. A month's notice terminates my tenancy. Here it is written out. Give it and tell Mrs. Bardell she may put a bill up as soon as she likes. Very good, sir, replied Mr. Weller. And nothing more, sir. Nothing more, Sam. Mr. Weller stepped slowly to the door as if he expected something more. Slowly opened it, slowly stepped out, and had slowly closed it within a couple of inches when Mr. Pickwick called out, Sam, yes, sir, said Mr. Weller, stepping quickly back and closing the door behind him. I have no objection, Sam, to your endeavoring to ascertain how Mrs. Bardell herself seems disposed towards me, and whether it is really probable that this vile and groundless action is to be carried to extremity. I say, I do not object to you doing this if you wish it, Sam, said Mr. Pickwick. Sam gave a short nod of intelligence and left the room. Mr. Pickwick grew the silk handkerchief once more over his head and composed himself for a nap. Mr. Weller promptly walked forth to execute his commission. It was nearly nine o'clock when he reached Goswell Street. A couple of candles were burning in the little front parlor, and a couple of caps were reflected on the window blind. Mrs. Bardell had got company. Mr. Weller knocked at the door, and after a pretty long interval, occupied by the party without, and whistling a tune, and by the party within, and persuading a refractory flat candle to allow itself to be lighted, a pair of small boots padded over the floorcloth, and Master Bardell presented himself. Well, young townskip, said Sam, how's mother? She's pretty well, replied Master Bardell. So am I. Well, that's a mercy, said Sam. Tell her I want to speak to her, will you, my infant phenomenon? Master Bardell, thus adjured, placed a refractory flat candle on the bottom stair, and vanished into the front parlor with his message. The two caps reflected on the window blind were the respective headdresses of a couple of Mrs. Bardell's most particular acquaintance who had just stepped in to have a quiet cup of tea, and a little warm supper of a couple of sets of patty-toes, and some toasted cheese. The cheese was simmering and browning away most delightfully in a little dutch oven before the fire. The patty-toes were getting on deliciously in a little tin saucepan on the hob, and Mrs. Bardell and her two friends were getting on very well, also in a little quiet conversation about and concerning all their particular friends and acquaintance. When Master Bardell came back from answering the door and delivered the message entrusted to him by Mr. Samuel Weller. Mr. Pickwick, servant, said Mrs. Bardell, turning pale. Bless my soul, said Mrs. Cluppins. Well, I really would not have believed it unless I had happened to have been here, said Mrs. Sanders. Mrs. Cluppins was a little brisk, busy-looking woman. Mrs. Sanders was a big, fat, heavy-faced personage, and the two were the company. Mrs. Bardell felt it proper to be agitated, and as none of the three exactly knew whether under existing circumstances any communication, otherwise than through Dodson and Fogg, ought to be held with Mr. Pickwick, servant, they were all rather taken by surprise. In this state of indecision, obviously, the first thing to be done was to thump the boy for finding Mr. Weller at the door, so his mother thunked him, and he cried melodiously. Hold your noise, do you naughty creedor, said Mrs. Bardell. Yes, don't worry, your poor mother, said Mrs. Sanders. She's quite enough to word her as it is without you, Tommy, said Mrs. Cluppins, with sympathizing resignation. Ah, worse luck, poor lamb, said Mrs. Sanders. At all which moral reflections Master Bardell howled the louder. Now what shall I do? said Mrs. Bardell to Mrs. Cluppins. I think you ought to see him, replied Mrs. Cluppins, but on no account without a witness. I think two witnesses would be more lawful, said Mrs. Sanders, who, like the other friend, was bursting with curiosity. Perhaps he'd better come in here, said Mrs. Bardell. To be sure, replied Mrs. Cluppins, eagerly catching at the idea, walk in young man and shut the street door first, please. Mr. Weller immediately took the hint and presenting himself in the parlor explained his business to Mrs. Bardell thus. Very sorry to occasion any personal inconvenience, ma'am, as the housebreaker said to the old lady when he put her on the fire. But as me and my governor's only just come to town and is just going away again, it can't be helped, you see. Of course the young man can't help the faults of his master, said Mrs. Cluppins, much struck by Mr. Weller's appearance and conversation. Certainly not, chimed in Mrs. Sanders, who from certain wistful glances at the little tin saucepan seemed to be engaged in a mental calculation of the probable extent of the petty-toes in the event of Sam's being asked to stop to suffer. So all I've come about is just this here, said Sam, disregarding the interruption. First, to give my governor's notice, there it is. Secondly, to pay the rent, here it is. Thirdly, to say as all his things as to be put together and give to anybody as we sense for them. Fourthly, that you may let the place as soon as you like, and that's all. Whatever has happened, said Mrs. Bardell, I always have said and always will say that in every respect but one Mr. Pickwick has always behaved himself like a perfect gentleman. His money always as good as the bank, always. As Mrs. Bardell said this, she applied her handkerchief to her eyes and went out of the room to get the receipt. Sam well knew that he had only to remain quiet and the women were sure to talk. So he looked alternately at the tin saucepan, the toasted cheese, the wall, and the ceiling in profound silence. Poor dear, said Mrs. Cluppins. Ah, poor thing, replied Mrs. Saunders. Sam said nothing. He saw they were coming to the subject. I really cannot contain myself, said Mrs. Cluppins, when I think of such perjury. I don't wish to say anything to make you uncomfortable, young man, but your master's an old brute and I wish I had him here to tell him so. I wish you had, said Sam. How dreadful she takes on going moping about and taking no pleasure in nothing except when her friends comes in out of charity to sit with her and make her comfortable, resumed Mrs. Cluppins, glancing at the tin saucepan and the Dutch oven. It's shocking. Barbarious, said Mrs. Saunders. And your master, young man, a gentleman with money as could never feel the expense of a wife no more than nothing, continued Mrs. Cluppins with great volubility. Why, there ain't the fadest shade of an excuse for his behavior. Why don't he marry her? Ah, said Sam, to be sure. That's the question. Question indeed, retorted Mrs. Cluppins. She'd question him if she'd my spirit. As ever there is law for us women, miserable creatures, as they make us, if they could. And that your master will find out, young man, to his cost before he's six months older. At this consolatory reflection, Mrs. Cluppins bridled up and smiled at Mrs. Saunders, who smiled back again. The action's going on, and no mistake, thought Sam, as Mrs. Bardell re-entered with the receipt. Here's the receipt, Mr. Weller, said Mrs. Bardell. And here's the change, and I hope you'll take a little drop of something to keep the cold out, if it's only for old acquaintance's sake, Mr. Weller. Sam saw the advantage he should gain, and at once acquiesced, whereupon Mrs. Bardell produced, from a small closet, a black bottle and a wine-glass. And so great was her abstraction in her deep mental affliction, that after filling Mr. Weller's glass, she brought out three more wine-glasses and filled them, too. Lock, Mrs. Bardell, said Mrs. Cluppins. See what you've been and done? Well, that is a good one, ejaculated Mrs. Saunders. Ah, my poor head, said Mrs. Bardell, with a faint smile. Sam understood all this, of course, so he said at once that he never could drink before supper unless a lady drank with him. A great deal of laughter ensued, and Mrs. Saunders volunteered to humor him, so she took a slight sip out of her glass. Then Sam said it must go all round, so they all took a slight sip. Then little Mrs. Cluppins proposed, as a toast, success to Bardell again pickwick, and then the ladies emptied their glasses in honor of the sentiment and got very talkative directly. I suppose you heard what's going forward, Mr. Weller, said Mrs. Bardell. I've heard something on it, replied Sam. It's a terrible thing to be dragged before the public in that way, Mr. Weller, said Mrs. Bardell, but I see now that it's the only thing I ought to do, and my lawyers, Mr. Dodson and Fogg, tell me that with the evidence as we shall call, we must succeed. I don't know what I should do, Mr. Weller, if I didn't. The mere idea of Mrs. Bardell's failing in her action affected Mrs. Saunders so deeply that she was under the necessity of refilling and re-emptying her glass immediately, feeling, as she said afterwards, that if she hadn't had the presence of mind to do so, she must have dropped. Then is it expected to come on? inquired Sam. Either in February or March, replied Mrs. Bardell. What a number of witnesses there'll be, won't there? said Mrs. Cluppins. Ah, won't there? replied Mrs. Saunders. And won't Mr. Dodson and Fogg be wild if the plaintiffs shouldn't get it? added Mrs. Cluppins, when they do it all on speculation. Ah, won't they? said Mrs. Saunders. The plaintiff must get it, resumed Mrs. Cluppins. I hope so, said Mrs. Bardell. Oh, there can't be any doubt about it, rejoined Mrs. Saunders. They'll, said Sam, rising and setting down his glass. All I can say is that I wish you may get it. Thank you, Mr. Weller, said Mrs. Bardell fervently. And of them Dodson and Fogg says, does these sort of things on spec, continued Mr. Weller, as well as for the other kind and generous people of the same profession, as sets people by the ears free, gratis for nothing, and sets their clerks to work to find out little disputes among their neighbors and acquaintances as vants settlin' by means of lawsuits. All I can say of them is that I wish they had the reward I'd give them. Ah, I wish they had the reward that every kind and generous heart would be inclined to bestow upon them, said the gratified Mrs. Bardell. Amen to that, replied Sam, and a fat and happy livin' they'd get out of it. Wish you good night, ladies. To the great relief of Mrs. Saunders Sam was allowed to depart without any reference on the part of the hostess to the petty-toes and toasted cheese to which the ladies with such juvenile assistance as Master Bardell could afford soon afterwards rendered the amplest justice. Indeed, they wholly vanished before their strenuous exertions. Mr. Weller wended his way back to the Georgian vulture and faithfully recounted to his master such indications of the sharp practice of Dodson and Fogg as he had contrived to pick up in his visit to Mrs. Bardell's. An interview with Mr. Perker next day more than confirmed Mr. Weller's statement, and Mr. Pickwick was feigned to prepare for his Christmas visit to Dingley-Dell with the pleasant anticipation that Mr. Weller would be with the pleasant anticipation that some two or three months afterwards an action brought against him for damages sustained by reason of a breach of promise of marriage would be publicly tried in the court of common pleas, the plaintiff having all the advantages derivable not only from the force of circumstances, but from the sharp practice of Dodson and Fogg to boot. Chapter 26 Chapter 27 of the Pickwick Papers This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Deborah Lynn The Pickwick Papers by Charles Dickens Chapter 27 Samuel Weller makes a pilgrimage to dorking and beholds the law. There is still remaining an interval of two days before the time agreed upon for the departure of the Pickwickians to Dingley-Dell. Mr. Weller sat himself down in a back room at the Georgian vulture after eating an early dinner to muse on the best way of disposing of his time. It was a remarkably fine day and he had not turned the matter over in his mind ten minutes when he was suddenly stricken by him so strongly that he ought to go down and see his father and pay his duty to his mother-in-law that he was lost in astonishment at his own remissness in never thinking of this moral obligation before. Anxious to atone for his past neglect without another hour's delay he straight away walked upstairs to Mr. Pickwick and requested leave of absence for this laudable purpose. Certainly, Sam, certainly said Mr. Pickwick, as glistening with delight at this manifestation of filial feeling on the part of his attendant. Certainly, Sam. Mr. Weller made a grateful bow. I am very glad to see that you have so high a sense of your duties as a son, Sam, said Mr. Pickwick. I always had, sir, replied Mr. Weller. That's a very gratifying reflection, Sam, said Mr. Pickwick approvingly. Wary, sir, Mr. Weller, if ever I wanted anything to my father I always asked for it in a very respectful and obliging manner. If he didn't give it to me I took it for fear I should be led to do anything wrong through not having it. I saved him a world of trouble this day, sir. That's not precisely what I meant, Sam, said Mr. Pickwick shaking his head with a slight smile. All good feelings, sir, the wary best intentions, Sam said when he run away from his wife because she seemed unhappy with him, replied Mr. Weller. You may go, Sam, said Mr. Pickwick. Thank you, sir, replied Mr. Weller, and having made his best bow and put on his best clothes, Sam planted himself on the top of the Orundel coach and journeyed on to dorking. The marquee of Grandby in Mrs. Weller's time was quite a model of a roadside public house in a better class, just large enough to be convenient and small enough to be snug. On the opposite side of the road was a large signboard on a high poster representing the head and shoulders of a gentleman with an apoplectic countenance in a red coat with deep blue facings and a touch of the same blue over his three-cornered hat for a sky. Over that again were a pair of flags beneath the last button of his coat and a cannon, and the hole formed an expressive and undoubted lightness of the marquee of Grandby of glorious memory. The bar window displayed a choice collection of geranium plants and a well-dusted row of spirit files. The open shutters bore a variety of golden inscriptions eulogistic of good beds and neat wines, and the choice group of countrymen and hostlers lounging about presumptive proof of the excellent quality of the ale and spirits which were sold within. Sam Weller paused when he dismounted from the coach to note all these little indications of a thriving business with the eye of an experienced traveler and having done so stepped in at once highly satisfied with everything he had observed. Now, then, said a shrill female voice the instant Sam thrust his head in at the door, what do you want, young man? Sam looked round in the direction whence the voice proceeded. It came from a rather stout lady of comfortable appearance who was seated beside the fireplace in the bar, blowing the fire to make the kettle-boil for tea. She was not alone, for on the other side of the fireplace, sitting bolt upright in a high-back chair was a man in threadbare black clothes with a back almost as long and stiff as that of the chair itself who caught Sam's most particular special attention at once. He was a prim-faced, red-nosed man with a long, thin countenance and a semi-rattlesnake sort of eye, rather sharp but decidedly bad. He wore very short trousers and black cotton stockings which, like the rest of his apparel, were particularly rusty. His looks were starched, but his white neckerchief was not, and its long limp ends straggled over his closely buttoned waistcoat in a very uncouth and unpicturesque fashion. A pair of old worn beaver gloves, a broad-brimmed hat and a faded green umbrella with plenty of whale bones sticking through the bottom as if to counterbalance the wand of a handle at the top, lay on a chair beside him, and being disposed in a very tidy and careful manner seemed to imply that the red-nosed man, whoever he was, had no intention of going away in a hurry. To do the red-nosed man justice, he would have been very far from wise if he had entertained any such intention. For to judge from all appearances he must have been possessed of a most desirable circle of acquaintance if he could have reasonably expected to be more comfortable anywhere else. The fire was blazing brightly under the influence of the bellows and the kettle was singing gaily under the influence of both. A small tray of tea-things was arranged on the table, a plate of hot-buttered toast was gently simmering before the fire, and the red-nosed man himself was busily engaged in converting a large slice of bread into the same agreeable edible through the instrumentality of a long-grass toasting fork. Beside him stood a glass of reeking-hot pineapple rum and water with a slice of lemon in it, and every time the red-nosed man stopped to bring the round of toast to his eye with the view of ascertaining how it got on, he imbibed a drop or two of the hot pineapple rum and water and smiled upon the rather stout lady as she blew the fire. Sam was so lost in the contemplation of this comfortable scene that he suffered the first inquiry of the rather stout lady to pass unheeded. It was not until it had been twice repeated each time in a shriller tone that he became conscious of the impropriety of his behavior. Governor Inn inquired Sam and replied to the question No, he isn't replied Mrs. Weller for the rather stout lady was no other than the quantum relic and soul-executrix of the dead and gone Mr. Clark. No, he isn't and I don't expect him either. I suppose he's driving up today said Sam He may be or he may not replied Mrs. Weller buttering the round of toast man had just finished I don't know and what's more I don't care Ask a blessing Mr. Stiggins The red-nosed man did as he was desired and instantly commenced on the toast with fierce veracity The appearance of the red-nosed man had induced Sam at first sight to more than half suspect that he was the deputy shepherd of whom his estimable parent had spoken. The moment he saw him eat all doubt was removed and he perceived at once that if he purposed to take up his temporary quarters where he was he must make his footing good without delay He therefore commenced proceedings by putting his arm over the half-door of the bar coolly unbolting it and leisurely walking in Mother-in-law said Sam How are you Why, I do believe he is a Weller said Mrs. W raising her eyes to Sam's face There's no very gratified expression of countenance I rather think he is said the improturbable Sam and I hope this here reverend gentlemen will excuse me saying that I wish I was the Weller as owns you Mother-in-law This was a double-barreled compliment It implied that Mrs. Weller was the most agreeable female and also that Mr. Stiggins had a clerical appearance It made a visible impression at once and Sam followed up his advantage by kissing his mother-in-law Get along with you said Mrs. Weller pushing him away for shame young man said the gentleman with the red nose No offense sir, no offense replied Sam you're very right though It ain't the right sort of thing when mothers-in-law is young and good looking is it sir? It's all vanity said Mr. Stiggins I so it is said Mrs. Weller setting her cap to rights Sam thought it was the deputy shepherd seemed by no means best pleased with Sam's arrival and when the first effervescence of the compliment had subsided even Mrs. Weller looked as if she could have spared him without the smallest inconvenience however there he was and as he couldn't be decently turned out they all three sat down to tea and how's father said Sam at this inquiry Mrs. Weller raised her hands and turned up her eyes as if the subject were too painful to be alluded to Mr. Stiggins groaned What's the matter with that air gentlemen inquired Sam He's shocked at the way your father goes on in replied Mrs. Weller Oh he is is he said Sam and with too good reason added Mrs. Weller gravely Mr. Stiggins took up a fresh piece of toast and groaned heavily He is a dreadful reprobate said Mrs. Weller A man of wrath exclaimed Mr. Stiggins He took a large semi-circular bite out of the toast and groaned again Sam felt very strongly disposed to give the reverend Mr. Stiggins something to groan for but he repressed his inclination and merely asked What's the olden up to now Up to indeed said Mrs. Weller Oh he has a hard heart night after night does this excellent man don't frown Mr. Stiggins I will say you are an excellent man come and sit here for hours together and it has not the least effect upon him Well that is odd said Sam it'd have a very considerable effect upon me if I was in his place I know that the fact is my young friend said Mr. Stiggins solemnly he has an obdurate bosom oh my young friend who else could have resisted the pleading of sixteen of our best sisters and was stood their exhortations to subscribe to our noble society for providing the infant negroes in the West Indies with flannel waistcoats and moral pocket handkerchiefs What's a moral pocket handkerchief said Sam I never see one of them articles of furniture those which combine amusement with instruction my young friend replied Mr. Stiggins blending select tales with woodcuts Oh I know said Sam them as hangs up in the linen draper's shops with beggars petitions and all that air upon him Mr. Stiggins began a third round of toast and not a descent and he wouldn't be persuaded by the ladies wouldn't he said Sam sat and smoked his pipe and said the infant negroes were what did he say the infant negroes were said Mrs. Weller little humbugs replied Mr. Stiggins deeply affected said the infant negroes were little humbugs repeated Mrs. Weller and they both groaned at the atrocious conduct of the elder Mr. Weller a great many more iniquities of a similar nature might have been disclosed only the toast being all eaten the tea having got very weak and Sam holding out no indications of meaning to go Mr. Stiggins suddenly recollected that he had a most pressing appointment with the shepherd and took himself off accordingly the tea things had been scarcely put away and the hearth swept up when the London coach deposited Mr. Weller senior at the door his legs deposited him in the bar and his eyes showed him his son what Sammy exclaimed the father what old knobs ejaculated the son and they shook hands heartily very glad to see you Sammy said the elder Mr. Weller though how you've managed to get over the cause and mystery to me I only wish you'd write me out the receipt that's all hush said Sam she's at home old feller she ain't within here and replied Mr. Weller she always goes and blows up downstairs for a couple of hours art or tea so we'll just give ourselves a damp Sammy saying this Mr. Weller mixed two glasses of spirits and water and produced a couple of pipes the father and son sitting down at each other Sam on one side of the fire in the high back chair and Mr. Weller senior on the other in an easy ditto they proceeded to enjoy themselves with all due gravity anybody been here Sammy asked Mr. Weller senior dryly after a long silence Sam nodded an expressive assent red nose chap inquired Mr. Weller Sam nodded again amiable man that air Sammy said Mr. Weller smoking violently seems so observed Sam good hand at accounts said Mr. Weller is he said Sam borrows 18 pence on Monday and comes on Tuesday for a shillen to make it up half a crown calls again on Wednesday for another half crown to make it five shillens and goes on doubling till he gets it up to a five pun no to no time like them sums in the arithmetic book about the nails and the horses shoes Sammy Sam intimated by a nod that he recollected the problem alluded to by his parent so you wouldn't subscribe to the flannel vests said Sam after another interval of smoking certainly not replied Mr. Weller what's the good of flannel vests to the young niggers abroad but I'll tell you what it is Sammy said Mr. Weller lowering his voice and bending across the fireplace very handsome towards straight vests for some people at home as Mr. Weller said this he slowly recovered his former position and winked at his first born in a profound manner it certainly seems a queer start to send out pocket anchors to people who don't know the use in them observed Sam there always a doing some gammon of that sort Sammy replied his father to other Sunday I was walking up the road when who should I see a standing at a chapel door with a blue suit played in her hand but your mother-in-law I warily believe there was change for a couple of sovereigns in it then Sammy all in haypence and as the people come out they rattled the pennies in it till you'd have thought that no mortal played as ever was bait could have stood the wear and tear what do you think it was all for for another tea drinking perhaps said Sam not a bit in it replied the father for the shepherd's water rate Sammy the shepherd's water rate said Sam eh replied Mr. Weller there was three-quarters on and the shepherd hadn't paid a pardon not he perhaps it might be on account that the water weren't a much use to him for it's weary little of that tap he drinks Sammy weary he knows a trick worth a good half dozen of that he does however it weren't paid and so they cut the water off down goes the shepherd to chapel gives out as he's executed saint and says he hopes the heart of the churned cock has cut the water off will be softened and turned in the right way but he rather thinks he's booked for something uncomfortable upon this the women calls the meeting sings of him woats your mother-in-law into the chair volunteers a collection next Sunday and hands it all over to the shepherd and if he ain't got enough out in him Sammy to make him free of the water company for life said Mr. Weller in conclusion I'm one Dutchman you're another and that's all about it Mr. Weller smoked for some minutes in silence and then resumed the worst of these here shepherds is my boy that they regularly turns the heads of all the young ladies about here Lord bless their little hearts they think it's all right and don't know no better but they're the Wickham's a gammon Sammel though the Wickham's a gammon I suppose they are said Sam nothing else said Mr. Weller shaking his head gravely and what aggravates me Sammel is to see him a waste in all their time and labor in making clothes for copper colored people as don't want them and taking no notice of flesh colored Christians as do if I'd my vase Sammel I'd just stick some of these here lazy shepherds behind a heavy wheelbarrow and run them up and down a 14 inch wide plank all day that'd shake the nonsense out of him if anything would Mr. Weller having delivered this gentle recipe with strong emphasis geeked out by a variety of nods and contortions of the eye emptied his glass at a draft and knocked the ashes out of his pipe with native dignity he was engaged in this operation when a shrill voice was heard in the passage here's your dear relations Sammy said Mr. Weller and Mrs. W hurried into the room oh you've come back have you said Mrs. Weller yes my dear replied Mr. Weller filling a fresh pipe has Mr. Stiggins been back said Mrs. Weller no my dear he hasn't replied Mr. Weller lighting the pipe by the ingenious process of holding to the bowl thereof between the tongs a red hot coal from the adjacent fire and what's more my dear I shall manage to survive it if he don't come back at all oh you wretch said Mrs. Weller come come father said Sam none of these little lovans are for strangers here's the Reverend gentlemen are coming in now at this announcement Mrs. Weller hastily wiped off the tears which she had just begun to force on and Mr. W drew his chair sullenly into the chimney corner Mr. Stiggins was easily prevailed on to take another glass of the hot pineapple rum and water and a second and a third and then to refresh himself with a slight supper previous to beginning again he said on the same side as Mr. Weller senior and every time he could contrive to do so unseen by his wife that gentleman indicated to his son the hidden emotions of his bosom by shaking his fist over the deputy shepherd's head a process which afforded his son the most unmingled delight and satisfaction the more especially as Mr. Stiggins went on quietly drinking the hot pineapple rum and water wholly unconscious of what was going forward the major part of the conversation was confined to Mrs. Weller and the Reverend Mr. Stiggins and the topics principally to scan it on were the virtues of the shepherd the worthiness of his flock and the high crimes and misdemeanors of everybody beside dissertations which the elder Mr. Weller occasionally interrupted by half suppressed references to a gentleman of the name of Walker and the commentaries of the same kind at length Mr. Stiggins with several most indubitable symptoms of having quite as much pineapple rum and water about him as he could comfortably accommodate took his hat and his leave and Sam was immediately afterwards shown to bed by his father the respectable old gentleman wrung his hand fervently and seemed disposed to address some observation to his son dancing towards him he appeared to relinquish that intention and abruptly bade him good night Sam was up betimes next day and having partaken of a hasty breakfast prepared to return to London he had scarcely set foot without the house when his father stood before him going Sammy inquired Mr. Weller off at once replied Sam I wish you could muffle that air Stiggins and take him with you said Mr. Weller I am ashamed and you said Sam reproachfully what you let him show his red nose in the markets of Granby at all four Mr. Weller the Elder fixed on his son an earnest look and replied because I'm a married man Sammoville because I'm a married man when you're a married man Sammoville you'll understand a good many things as you don't understand now but whether it's worthwhile going through so much to learn so little as the charity boy said when he got to the end of the alphabet is a matter of taste I rather think it isn't well said Sam goodbye Tar Tar Sammy replied his father I've only got to say this here said Sam stopping short that if I was the proprietor of the Marcus of Granby and that air Stiggins came and made toast in my bar I'd what interposed Mr. Weller what pie's in his rum and water said Sam no said Mr. Weller shaking his son eagerly by the hand would you rally Sammy would you though I would said Sam I wouldn't be too hard upon him at first I'd drop him in the water button put the lid on and if I found he was insensible to kindness I'd try the other persuasion the elder Mr. Weller bestowed a look of deep unspeakable admiration on his son having once more grasped his hand walked slowly away revolving in his mind of the numerous reflections to which his advice had given rise Sam looked after him until he turned a corner of the road and then set forward on his walk to London he meditated at first on the probable consequences of his own advice and the likelihood of his father's adopting it he dismissed the subject from his mind however with the consolatory reflection the phone would show and this is the reflection we would impress upon the reader End of Chapter 27