 The Jello Program starring Jack Benny Don Bester and the orchestra opens the program with anything goes from the Broadway show Anything Goes. I present to you that famous, that well-known, a fellow whom you all... a man that's... Never mind Don. Jello again is a Jack Benny with my new year headache gone and rare in the go. They haven't seen you since last Sunday Don, did you have any fun new years? Oh, I had a marvelous time, my friends tell me. Why, what did you do? Well, I remember leaving for Boston New Year's Eve. And then? A bellboy woke me up in Philadelphia yesterday. Well, that's what I call celebrating. Now, what'd you do in New Year's Eve, Jack? Oh, I had a lot of fun, Don. I bought a tin horn and blew it unmercifully. Oh, that must be exciting. Didn't you go any place? Certainly. I walked up and down Broadway all evening. Why, Broadway? Well, it's so reasonable, Don. No cover charge. Oh, I see. Well, Jack, didn't you have anything to drink? Haven't yet. I stopped in the first drug store I saw and I had three oranges. Then I got silly and had two more. Well, there's no harm in those drinks. No, Don, but I started mixing them with frosted chocolate. And, oh boy, wow! Was anybody with you? Sure, Bester was with me. You should have seen him. Was he dizzy? Yeah, well, what did he drink? Well, he ordered a cherry phosphate and kept revolving around on the stool. Oh, boy, and did I? Did I have my hands full getting him home? How about it, Bester? Yippee! And then about 10 o'clock we went up to Roseland and had a couple of dances. Well, where were you at 12 when the whistles were blowing? Oh, I was in bed by that time. You can't keep that pace up all night. Hello, Jack. How are you? Fine. Say, Jack, is January 6th a holiday? No, Mary. Then I guess I'll tear up this home. Yes, do that, huh? Where were you New Year's Day, Mary? Did you go anyplace? Sure, I went to Jersey City ten times. The Jersey City ten times? Yes, I fell asleep on the ferry boat. Well, where were you on New Year's Eve? I was over at my uncle's house. You ought to see the place, Jack. He's very rich. Why, Mary, I didn't know that you had a rich uncle. Sure, he bought a 12-cylinder car the day before New Year's and threw it away the next day. Threw away a 12-cylinder car? Yes, he just wanted to use the horn on New Year's Eve. Oh. Yeah? You want to buy a bulldog? No. Okay, Mr. Benny. Say, Mary. Mary, come here. Listen, I still don't know what to get Don Bester for Christmas. Did you find out what he likes? Yes, he likes ice skating. Well, why don't you get him a cake of ice? It's a fine present, huh? Well, here I am, fit as a fiddle and high strung as a harp. Ah! Here comes Mr. Parker in person, not a movie. Hello, Jack. Hello, Parker. Where did you go last Monday night? No place. I just stayed home, read a book. You stayed home while everybody was out celebrating, making whoopie. Why? Why it was New Year's Eve. That's funny. Nobody told me anything about it. Why, Frank, didn't you hear the excitement, the noise out in the street? Oh, I thought it was a mice in my apartment when I moved out. Yeah, you killed a good Joe, Frank. Take it again, will you? Well, listen, Frank, in about six months from now, if you hear any firecrackers, you'll know it's the 4th of July. I'll mark that down. And if you see a chicken laying egg, you'll know it's Easter. That's right. That's right. And if you hear Mary reciting a poem, you'll know it's Labor Day. These holidays come to you through the courtesy of Jell-O with its six delicious flavors and it tastes twice as good as ever before. Yes, and the day Wilson doesn't eat Jell-O, you'll know it's Yum Kipper. Yeah? Does your brother want to buy a bulldog? I haven't got a brother. Okay, Mr. Benny. Say, Jack, what is it best, sir? I want you to listen to this next number we're going to play because we have a new man in the orchestra. A new man? Which one? That violinist there on the end. Oh, you mean the one with the mustache? Yeah, that's him. Gee, that's a cute mustache he's got. Looks like he swallowed Mickey Mouse and left the tail sticking out. Sure does, sir. What are you going to play, Don? I'm going to play some of these days. Go ahead, Don. I'll listen. Gee, I wish I knew what to get that guy for Christmas. That was Don Besser and his new man in a moment of melody. Now tonight, ladies and gentlemen, at the same popular prices with smoking in the loges or wherever your radio is located, we are offering you another one of our dramatic plays, that great immortal classic, The Count of Monty Frisco. That's Frisco, Jack. Quiet, Mary. I know what I'm doing. Most of you are familiar with this famous play of the French Revolution by Alexander Dumas who wrote such other great hits as The Count of Jean Tunney and The Discount of Gimbal Basin. We have with us tonight the original cast, all except Napoleon, who is making a personal appearance in Waterloo this week. Now, you people who have seen this play will recall how Edward Danties, the sailor, was wrongfully accused of being a spy by a rival lover, Mondego, and was thrown into a dungeon where he remained for 14 years with the same sponsor. After making his escape with the aid of a fellow prisoner who gave him a map of a treasure island, our hero, Edward Danties, discovers the treasure, gets even with his enemies, and is signed for another picture by the Warner Brothers, who also have a treasure island in Hollywood. The part of sailor Edward Danties will be played by a promising young actor called Jacques Benny. Mercedes, his sweetheart, will be played by Miss Cece Livingston. The part of Mondego will be played by Monsieur Francois Parker. This play in two acts and four scenes will go on immediately after the next number, which will be sung by Monsieur Parker. Are you ready, Francois? Owie, owie, Monsieur. Wait a minute, that's pronounced we-we. Well, why don't they spell it right? Yeah? If you had a brother, would he want to buy a bulldog? Okay, Mr. Benny. Think, Frank, what does he want anyway? That was with every breath I take sung by Frank Parker, whose breath still reminds me of New Year. And now for our play, The Count of Monte Frisco. The opening scene is a ballroom in Marseille, France, the year 1805 at 9 p.m. or 1806 daylight saving time. Certain. Music done. Ah, Mademoiselle, I could dance with you forever. You shake a mean hip, sailor. What's your name? Edward Dante. And your name, may I ask? Mercedes. Mercedes what? Mercedes Ginsburg, the apple of Paris. Ah, Mercedes, you are beautiful. Your eyes sparkle like rare jewels in the sunlight. Your lips are as red as the rose that blooms but for a day. Ah, Mercedes, you are divine. Thanks, cooks, I can take it. Ah, this dance is over all too soon. How about the next one? Okay, sailor. Pardon me a moment. I'll go out and get two more dance tickets. I'll be right back. Hello, Mercedes. I see you're pretty sweet on that sailor. Well, what of it, Mondego? Well, that follows a foreigner and a dangerous spy. He is not. Yes, he is, and I'll take care of him. What are you going to do? I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll have him arrested and thrown into the dungeon for the rest of his life. Assures my name is Frank P. Mondego. Well, Mercedes, here I am. Come on, Edward, let's dance. Stop that music. Are you Edward Dante's? That's me. Want my autograph? No, no, you're under arrest. Who, what for? For carrying papers in your pocket detrimental to the safety of this government. Oh, those papers are nothing. Just a few jokes I jotted down for next Sunday's program. That's even worse. Oh, yes? Follow the Imperial Guard. You're headed for the shut-toed deep. Wait, boys. You can't take him away. Here's your hat, Jack. I'll write you every day. Don't worry, Mercedes, my love. It's nothing at all. I'll be right back. That's what you think. Forward. Yeah? Now do you want to buy a bulldog? No. Okay, Mr. Vinnie. And now we take you to the shut-toed deep on the small island off the coast of France. This place is now operated by the Sattler people. Here we are. Get in there. Looks like a one-way street to me. Say, what place is this? This is the dungeon plaza. What can I do for you? Oh, I only want something for the night until my lawyer gets here. You're a permanent guest here. Get me? Then give me something with Southern exposure. You'll get exposure. Say, who am I to argue under these conditions? I hope they put me on the football team. Is there a bath in the room? You'll get a bath when we throw you in the open. Soft water bathing. I love it. Oh, bell boy. Show him, I mean, throw him to his room. Come on, you. We're very strict here. Looks like I'm going to have a nice rest here. Come on, come on. Get going. Where's my room? On the floor floor. Four flights up? No, four flights down. Your name from now on is 37. That's a nice name. Edward 37. Come on. Forward. Fast. Say, wait a minute. Can I write it for you? What is it? Play Don. Don Besser and his officer. Coming to you from the grill room of the Chateau Deef. The next scene finds Edward Danties in the dungeon ten years later. They double-cross me, eh? They can't do this to me. Hey, keeper, did you inform my attorney? I get it. This silence down here is driving me mad. Far nothing but four walls and spiders. And go talk to them. Here's your food. Tenderloin steak again with mushrooms. Keep it. Why don't you fellas talk to me? Talk to me, I say. This silence is driving me crazy. Why don't you talk to me? Say something. Jell-O has that new extra-rich fruit flavor in its taste, twice as good as ever before. You can get it in all six delicious flavors. Let me out of here, I say. Let me out, I say. Is there no end to this torture? Telegram, telegram number 37. Here, boy. Give it to me quick. Maybe it's from my attorney. Hmm. It's from Mercedez. She says, having heard of your death, I have just married Mondego. Send presents to Empire Hotel Niagara Falls. Well, they told her I was dead, eh? I've got to get out of here. Let me out, I say. Let me out. What's that? What's that? I could have sworn I heard the voice of Mercedez. Mercedez, where are you? That is her voice. I must be going crazy. What's the difference, as long as you're healthy? Let me out! Let me out! Gee. Gee, I'm tired. What's that? I'll signal, find out who that is. He answered me. I'll try it again. That's music to my ears. Hmm, this stone is loose. I'll pull it out and see who's in there. Hello. Who are you? I've spent 30 years chiseling my way here. Is this the first national bank? No. Then I've been wasting my time. Just let that be a lesson to you. Have you been here long? 60 years. How old are you? 61. You must have been a bad little baby. Come, follow me. I've made tunnels to every cell in this prison. Did you have anything to do with the Holland tube? No, I've never been in Holland. Come, I'll take you to my dungeon, and there we'll have lunges. I hate to be sponging, but where is your dungeon? But the man worthwhile is the one who can smile when everything goes dead wrong. Mary, Mary, you're sparring the play. Who can spoil less? Come, come, follow me. It is this way. We're nearly there. I'm right behind you. Now, here we are. This is my cell. You got quite a nice place. Yes, and you and I are going to get out of here if it takes a hundred years. See if we can make it 50. You see, you see this file? Yes. I hide it under my pillow. This night, I hide in my toothpaste. And this piano... I know, you hide it in your beard. No, in my hair. What? Hair. I don't get that. Hair, hair, what's on your head? A nice bag, I'm not over New Year's yet. Listen, how did you get here? Jake sent me. Now, listen carefully. I built a tunnel leading to the ocean which will give you escape. You did? Yes, and I have a map here of an island where a treasure is hidden. I want you to take this map. Why don't you take it? Because later in this scene I expect to get hit with some rock. And I'll die. You will? Sure. Didn't you see the picture? Oh, yes. We have no time to lose. Come, come, follow me. Quiet. Who's that? Must be one of our comrades trying to escape. We must help him. All right, pull that stone over. Who's there? If you find the treasure, will you buy a bulldog? No, I don't want a bulldog. Okay, Mr. Dante. Push that stone back. Now, come on, pal. There's no time to be lost. Let's get going. Let me lead the way through this tunnel. All right. I'll crawl right behind you. Quiet, quiet. Are you all right? Yes. When are you going to get hit with the rocks? Any minute now. Well, hurry up. What's that? What's that? Who are you? Oh, just a bat flying around. Gee, it's dark in here. Can you see where you're going? Yes, it won't be long now. It won't be out of here in seven years. We've got to get out tonight. This is not a cereal. There's someone calling towards us. Give me a gun. Lay low. Hello there. Hello, friend. You're trying to get away, too. No, I was looking for the Bronx subway and I got lost. Come on with us. We're going to find a hidden treasure and we'll all be rich. I'm Edward Dante's the sailor. And who are you? Popeye the sailor. I want you to meet my friend, George Bernard Shaw. How do you do? Thank you. Now follow us. Follow us and be quiet. Here come the rocks now. Goodbye, and carry on. Goodbye. Regards to my first life. The next scene takes place seven years later. We'll find Edward Dante's on the island searching for the hidden treasure. Here we are, Popeye. Look at this map. This must be the spot. Look, look. Here's a trapdoor. And this must be the place. Open that door. This is heavy. Let me help you. Write down these steps, Popeye. Follow me. Look at all those boxes there. Look, look. That must be the treasure. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. Hey, that's my line. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. Now look at it, Popeye. Open that box first. See what's in it. For heaven's sake. What is it? It's jello. Jello? We've been settling up the books for 1934 and we find that jello owes you folks a vote of thanks. You certainly have shown us your appreciation of these programs and you've shown it in a highly practical way by going right out and buying jello. Naturally, we're pleased that you've enjoyed our programs to insist upon our product when you buy your desserts. And one thing we know that you've enjoyed jello, too. And now, if you've had a good time tonight, here's a suggestion for tomorrow night for dinner. A combination mold of sunny orange jello and the sea green lime jello. All six jello flavors are deliciously rich and colorful and this is a special flavor combination we know you'll like. Now, thank you again, all of you, for your friendly allegiance to jello. That was the last number of the 13th program in the New Jello series. We'll be with you again at the same time next Sunday night. I hope to see all my Pittsburgh listeners when I open up the Stanley Theater there next Friday. I'm going with you, Jack. I'm writing a poem all about Pittsburgh. That's the only thing I'm afraid of. Yeah? What have you got against Bulldog? Nothing. Good night, folks. The selection with every breath I take is from the show Here Is My Heart and Say When from the production, Say When.