 This video was brought to you by Paramount Plus. Anyway, more of the story. Don't do mechanical work on a running warthog inside a closed garage! Those exhaust fumes really messed with your, um, that thing up there. What is that thing? Your brain! Sarge, there was no first part of that story? Yeah, we were totally quiet and you just started talking. Also, warthog exhaust is just water vapor. Silence! Prepare to demonstrate what you learned from our new training videos, soldiers! What training videos? The training videos with THE master chief that we all watched together! Duh! Sarge, those are episodes of Halo. You know, the new show on Paramount Plus? Hey, don't say Paramount Plus unless they're paying us! They are. That's why we're recapping the episodes. In that case, I have the perfect investment for the money. No! Don't buy a car! Hello? Hi. We're contacting you about your vehicle's extended warranty. Dang it! Every time. So, anyway, episode one is pretty intense. It starts with some Madrigal Rebels talking about how Spartans never die. Which, of course, is true. Observe! Ow! We are not Spartans! Then, we see some rebellious rebel teens doing drugs in the woods, and instead of being killed by a lunatic and a hockey mask as usual, they're blasted into pink mist by a Covenant excavation crew looking for an artifact. The only person who survives the Covenant attack is Kwan, a feisty kid who starts a hero's journey like all the greats by watching a parrot die. She's rescued by none other than our boy, Master Chief, Boom! See the air horn noises! He and the Spartan team corpse up that Covenant real good with the four basic food groups. Bullets, feed-downs, bashing, and lambing. After creating a bunch of Covenant widows, the team finds the ancient Forerunner artifact. Master Chief reaches out and touches it, and as Forerunner artifacts are wont to do, it changes his life. When I was 15, I took something that changed my life! And it exploded everywhere! You never forget your first grenade. The artifact somehow unlocks bits of Master Chief's memories. It goes rogue, and he even takes off his helmet! Can you believe it? I didn't even know we could take our helmets off. Of course we can! See? Huh? Yep. Dad's rasters came to Navian, and Mom's pixel Irish. You definitely have her squares. Episode 1 ends with the UNSC about to kill Master Chief, but the artifact creates an EMP that allows him and Kwan to escape. See? Spartan's never done! Knock it off! Episode 2 begins with Master Chief AWOL, and it's revealed that Dr. Halsey is secretly developing Halsey 2.0 with the AI we know as Cortana. Meanwhile, Master Chief and Kwan go to the Rubble, which is like a burning man if it was inside a collection of asteroids. That's where they visit Master Chief's friend Soren, who real heads will know from the Halo books, and take a wild subway car ride. Is a subway still a subway if it's in space? All I know is, their sandwiches are meteor! Okay, now you can shoot me. Meanwhile, at the Covenant's Jellyfish Clubhouse, the Prophets and their human pet McKee scheme to hunt down the Master Chief and the artifact. Oh man, high charity looks so relaxing, like they play a pure mood soundtrack over the intercom. Oh hey! I'm listening to pure moods in my helmet right now! Really? You aren't balled with a ponytail or wearing sandals? I like the vibes. Plus, if people don't buy New Age music, pretty soon keyboard players are gonna be clogging up the streets on recumbent bikes. Traffic jam! Meanwhile, Master Chief learns why the Covenant want the artifact, and he touches it a bunch more, unlocking even more memories. Yeah, I was talking about this, unlocking one of my favorite memories. Ow! That just happened a minute ago! Ah, it seems like it was only yesterday. Now, we're in Episode 3, where Master Chief returns to base, and Dr. Halsey implants him with Cortana. Cortana? I wanted to talk to invisible people! I'd just be a kid, scribbling at the beginning of all horror movies! Speaking of horror, remember when McKee hijacked a UNSC ship with a writhing mess of tentacles? Oh yeah, that was my favorite part! Yeah, no kidding. Try cleaning your search history every once in a while. Anyway, at the end of the episode, Master Chief removes the pellet in his back that dulls his emotions. Thankfully, I don't have emotions. What? You totally do. How dare you! I don't have emotions. I hate emotions. If I had emotions, that would make me so angry, I'd shoot Griff again! Oh, that's better. Are you okay? Yeah. Thankfully, I keep this book close to my heart. Well, that does it for us. See you back here soon for more Recaps of Halo, which you can stream now on Paramount+.