 Notice from the records and information security administration. In light of the events of Incident 001-Omega, the following document has been made public to all Foundation staff to ensure the peaceful and effective execution of Continency Suburban 9. Item number SCP-001-J Object Class of Polyon Special Containment Procedures As of Incident 001-Omega, there is no longer any feasible way to contain SCP-001-J or to prevent the coming of Scenario XK-001-J. To maintain calm and ensure a smooth transition of the human race into the wide variety of customized and readily available afterlives, Continency Suburban 9 is to be enacted immediately. Description Description of SCP-001-J is a lethal cognitive hazard, and as such is available on request for all interested personnel. Addendum Continency Suburban 9 Continency Suburban 9 is comprised of an auditory alarm system at all Foundation sites. The following alerts are to be played constantly. Threat Level Alarm Meaning Epsilon-Green, Foghorn, SCP-001-J has been stopped because miracles are real. Delta-Green, Claxon, no activity from SCP-001-J. Delta-Blue, Claxon but slightly higher in pitch, SCP-001-J has opened its eyes, unconfirmed. Delta-Yellow, O5-11 imitating the Delta-Blue alarm, SCP-001-J has opened its eyes, confirmed with photographic evidence. Delta-Orange is not unusual by Tom Jones, SCP-001-J has opened its eyes and is looking at Earth. Delta-Red is not unusual, Norwegian Black Metal remixed by Dr. Nysmith, SCP-001's open his eyes, is looking at Earth, and Dr. Nysmith wants to promote his band. Gamma-Green, Claxon, Foghorn, buzzer at the same time, civilian casualties have begun. Gamma-Blue, the entire soundtrack of David Lynch's Dune, civilian casualties continue. Gamma-Yellow, same as Delta-Orange but with air horns, civilian casualties continue but with more of an aggressive subtext. Gamma-Orange, same as Epsilon-Green but with a muffled eagle cry in the background, SCP-001-J is targeting your site, prepare for death. Gamma-Red, don't sleep in the subway by Petula Clark. This site has been destroyed by SCP-001-J, ergo I can enjoy Petula Clark as much as I damn well please and only corpses will judge me. Gamma-Green, 10 seconds of an old woman sobbing hysterically. A species has gone extinct as a result of SCP-001-J. Gamma-Blue, 14 seconds of an old woman sobbing hysterically. A city has been destroyed as a result of SCP-001-J. Gamma-Yellow, 14.3 seconds of an old woman sobbing hysterically. A country has been destroyed as a result of SCP-001-J. Gamma-Orange, Beta-Yellow but nearer my god to thee plays in the background on an accordion. A continent has been destroyed as a result of SCP-001-J. Gamma-Red, Beta-Orange but backwards. The old woman re-recorded is still very sad about the whole affair and could use a hug. Gamma-Black Omega Death Death, the entire discography of Topi Keith. Good going, 001-J, you destroyed our civilization. This is your reward, and, Attorney of Topi Keith, was it worth it? It is believed that proper execution of contingency Schubert-9 will maintain good morale, ease suffering, and relieve stress. In addition, testing prior to Incident-001-Omega has found that the volume of these alerts is directly proportional to the level of calm during times of stress. Therefore, usage of additional amplification assets as well as maximum volume is encouraged. Is it the Black Moon Howl? Actually, it's more of a low-pitched, wheezing kind of short mumble, like, do tapiers make any noises? It's a tapier sneeze. 5-001-J clearance accepted. To whom it may concern, I've received word from various site directors that contingency Schubert-9 actually worsens the level of stress during scenario XK-001-J. Allow me to address some of your concerns to the best of my ability. 1. These concerns are absolutely valid and correct. 2. In fact, I can assure you that the purpose of Schubert-9 is to make things as unbearable as possible for everyone, and hopefully drive us all to kill each other. 3. I really don't like any of you, and frankly I'm very upset that SCP-001-J is dealing with you before I could. On a related note, find your own victims, you gutless amateur. Thank you for your understanding during this trying time. In regard, the Administrator.