 The Avid and Castello program. Listen to the rhythms of Freddie Ray, set his orchestra. The swingy singing of Connie Haynes. And that brave youth who bore through snow and ice, a banner with this strange device. Hey! Castello, Castello, what in the world have you got there? Oh-ho, what do you think it is? It's a horse, isn't it? How is it a horse? What does it look like, a hip-un-puppet-a-hum-um in a bus? No. Castello, tell me the truth now. Where did you get that horse? Oh, I brought it for a dollar and a half from the fella that was wearing a white suit. And in anything, this was a hero! What do you mean? He won the Distinguished Service Cross. Look, it says right on his blanket. DSC. Distinguished Service Cross? Yeah, he won it. That means Department of Street Cleaning. You mean that fella in the white suit was a street cleaner? Certainly. No wonder when I first spoke to him, he'd give me the brush. Well, Castello, you've got to cut off this nonsense. Now, last week you bought a dog, this week you bought a horse. Now, the next thing you know, you'll buy an elephant. I did buy an elephant. I bought an elephant, Abbott. What do you mean? I had to give him back. Why? They would let me bring him home on a sweet car. Oh, Castello, take that horse out of here right now and give him back to the man. Go ahead. No, Abbott, come on. Please don't. Yes. Don't make me give him back. Abbott, I love the animals. I want to keep them. Don't make me give peanut butter back. He's the sweetest, nicest horse I ever met. Give me a peanut butter. That's a nice girl. That's a pretty girl. Peanut butter, give Abbott a great, big kiss. Sure cools you off, don't it? Castello, take that horse outside right now and turn him loose. Wait a minute, Abbott. No, I can't do that. Peanut butter is hungry and I've got to feed him. Hey, what is a horse eat? A horse eats a spotter. He eats a spotter, certainly. Well, that's fine. And what does a horse's body eat? He eats his spotter. Well, what do you know? And what does a horse's mother eat? She eats her spotter. What are they, cannibals? Certainly not. Every horse has to eat his spotter. Oh, I see. He eats his spotter, and then his spotter eats his spotter, and then his mother eats her spotter. And the next thing you know, there won't be no spotters left for Father's Day. No, no, no, no. If you had done me defeat a horse, you'd take a bag and put his spotter in it. Does he stand for it? Certainly. You mean you put a spotter in a bag? That's right. And you hang his spotter on his nose. Now, ain't that a pretty picture? A horse walking around with his spotter hanging on his nose. Will you talk, says Custodella? Now, if you intend to keep that horse around here, you'll have to take care of him yourself. You're going to be the horse's groom. I'm going to be the horse's what? His groom. You said you loved the horse, didn't you? Yeah, but I don't have to marry him. Custodella, when I say groom, I mean you have to curry the horse. I have to what? Curry, curry. Curry the horse? That's right. He's big enough to walk himself. Now, look, Abbott, I'm going to take Peanut Butter out to Hollywood Park, and I'm going to enter him in the race. The track is pretty muddy. Do you think he'll be able to race? What is he, a mother? A what? I said, is he a mother? How can he be a mother? Ain't a she always a mother? Well, certainly not. Sometimes a he makes a better mother than a she. What do you know? Look, Abbott, suppose a mama horse has little horses. Don't that make her a mother? Well, that depends on her feet. You learn something new every day, don't you? Custodella, a mother is a horse that likes to run in mud on account of having sore feet. Well, in that case, I guess Peanut Butter is a mother, because I saw him limping on his two front feet. Oh, he sees having trouble with his forelegs. Why, certainly. Because when, what'd you say? I said he's having trouble with his forelegs. I just got through telling you, he was only limping with his two front legs. Custodella, your horse's forelegs are in front. His forelegs are in front. What are those things in the back? What do you? Look, you don't understand. Your horse has four legs in front and hind legs in back. Four legs in the front and hind legs in back. That's right. Well, I've got a centipede. Look, Custodella, your horse only has four legs. I know, I know. But he only races on three of them. What does he do with the other leg? He trips the other horse. Custodella, he's a dirty horse. I can imagine that. He cheats. Yes, I can see that. But look, Custodella, that broken down horse doesn't belong on a racetrack. Who'd ever bet on a nag like that? Look at him. I would. You would. I'm going to take all my money out of my piggy bank. I'm even going to sell my erector set and my ping-pong paddles. You're going to sell all that for what? And my migils and marbles. And I'm going to bet every cent of my money on my horse. No, that's ridiculous, Custodella. Putting all your money on a horse. Big gamblers don't do that. Oh, no. Well, the biggest gambler that I've ever lived did it. And just who was the biggest gambler that I've ever lived? Lady Godiva. Lady Godiva was a gambler? Yep. She put everything she had on a horse. I owe. Ready rich now in a special treatment of a swell sound by hit from Latin America, Tico Tico. Oh, peanut butter. Where did your horse learn that dance step? Oh, he's a horse to set the Hollywood canteen. Eh, no. Look, little nut horses. You mean hostess. Oh, all right, darling. Come on. Here we are at the Hollywood racetrack. Now, we've got to see one of the officials and register your horse. Why register him now? The election's over. No, no. He didn't want to poll anyway. I had dummy. And all that entered your horse in the race, you've got to show his pedigree. For instance, who was your horse polled by? I beg your pardon? Who was your horse polled by? He wasn't polled by anybody. He's a very smart horse, that man. No, no, no, Cassella. My horse is not dummy. No, no, no, no, you don't understand. You've got to tell them all about your horse, his age, his weight, and your horse's height. Do you know, do you know your horse's height? Oh, sure, I know him very good. He's a very good friend of mine. Who's your friend of yours? Horse's height, the band leader. Ah. I know him very good, because I ran around with his brother, because I'm tight. Well, cut out the nonsense. Come on, let's see if we can find a jacket to ride your horse. Hi, I am so grand, and the jacket, I'm a dandy. Well, it's our old friend, Cassella. Hello, Mr. Ebert and you too, Mr. Cazmelo. Ho, ho. My goodness, I haven't seen you in a long distance. I understand, I understand that you're looking for a jacket. And now just a minute, Kitzl. Are you trying to tell us that you know how to ride a horse? Do I know how to ride a horse? I'm laughing. I see that. Why, for you information, I just got finished riding a horse across the whole country, from New York to Hollywood. Ho, ho, I rode for days and days until the seat of my trousers were worn thin, and here I am. You finally came through. Listen, Kitzl, that's me. That's my line, yes. Yes, please, just a minute. Cassella, Kitzl, Cassella has just bought a horse, and he's looking for a good jacket. Well, well, look no further, because I'm just the man you're looking at. You know I lost only one race this year, and that was because my horse was scratched in the handicapped. Well, that's a very tender spot. We're here. Anybody that gets scratched in the handicapped? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Cassella, the handicapped is like a derby. Kitzl, did you ever ride in a derby? No, I always wear a stocking kit. Look, Kitzl, you ain't going to ride my peanut butter. I'm going to get my kid brother Sebastian to ride him. Well, you're making a big mistake, because I'll have you to know I won the Dixie Handicap riding on that famous horse, Ocean Cracker. Ocean Cracker? Yes, I never heard of him. He's the father of Seabee's care. I don't know. Oh, my goodness. I can see that you know very little about him. Oh, yeah, well, let me tell you something, Kitzl. I hang out with all the famous cowboys. Last night, I shot traps with pink rider. Pink rider. Pink rider. Cassella, I thought it was red rider. It was, but I faded them. Gentleman, gentleman, I can see that you doubt my ability as an equestioner. Yes, I can see it. But I'm going to give you a sample of my fancy riding on my own horse. You see, that's him over there with the wooden saddle. You ride a horse with a wooden saddle? Oh, certainly. I like a wooden saddle. Watch me jump into it. Hey, Cassella, look. Here comes your little brother Sebastian. Ah, what? Hello? I'm over along a special saddle. Do you call that a saddle? Yeah. That looks like one of your mother's old girdles. It is. And if I see the horse is going to lose, I can let him out in a stretch. Cassella, you go over and register your horse while I teach Sebastian how to ride. You ain't going to teach me nothing. Sebastian, you listen to your uncle Bud. I won't. You will. I will. You will. I will. I'm going crazy. You will. That was a photo finish. Go on, Cassella. Take care. I'll take care of Sebastian. You go ahead. OK, see you later. All right, go ahead. Now, Sebastian, we're going to give the horse a workout. All right? Now, hold still, peanut butter. Ah, that boy. Now, Sebastian, put that harness over his head. That's it now. Now, give him a bit in the mouth. Give him a what? Give him a bit in the mouth. Give him a bit in the mouth? Yeah. What kind of English is that? You mean give him a bite in the mouth. Never mind that. Now, now you've got the bridal on. What happens to the reins? They go away when the sun comes out. No, no, I mean the reins on the horse. Ah, let it rain on the horse. What do you want me to do? Hold on, umbrella over him. Sebastian, why must you always be a smart alec? I don't know. Your brother is depending on this horse race. He's depending on this horse to win it. And what are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah, stand here and ridicule this poor old horse, a horse that probably has a large family. He wants to win this race and go back to his green pastures, don't you think? And you won't help him. What's the matter with you? I don't know. Oh, you don't know. Uncle, but I don't know. Oh, you don't know. I guess I possess a cruel streak. I got a warped nature, a race for dumb animals. I should run the race and let the poor old horse sit in the saddle. I'll say you should. But why do you continually persist in doing these things? Races will start in 15 minutes, and we hope you'll have a wonderful day here at the cleaners. There I mean at the race track. And above all, ladies and gentlemen, beware of pickpockets. Don't let them get your money. Save it for us. You're in trouble, do you mean? I just came from the stable. They don't want to let my horse run. They said he wasn't in condition. Who told you that? The track vegetarian. And not vegetarian, you dope. That's a veterinarian. Veterinarian? Yes. That's what my grandfather is. Your father is a horse doctor? No, my grandfather. He's a veterinarian. A veterinarian in the Spanish-American War. Oh, talk about it. What did the doctor say was wrong with your horse? He said he was bugged. He said he had the crickets. He didn't say crickets. Your horse has rickets. Rickets? That's what my father drinks every night. Your father drinks rickets? Yes, slow gin rickets. Oh, that's jealous. Quiet. Here comes the doctor now. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am Dr. Nizarro, the race track veterinarian. I'm glad to meet you, doctor. Is it true that Costello's horse can't run this afternoon? Well, I suppose he could run if he had the proper medical treatment. I'll tell you what you do, Costello. Run over to the drugstore and get a tumor sapperies, a little capperies, and the waterfront for sailor mites to take the safe of the boss. Then you buy a hyperdermin needle and shoot the medicine in the left part of the right above the brace. Between the catrists, you bring all the bras. Don't buy any casserole because that'll be the seat. Then you push in the shoulder forces right and put it right below the quads. I said you put it right below the twan. I could never do that for my horse. You've got a Costello. Now take your pencil and write this down. Dear druggers, please give Costello one tumor sapperies for the little drops of course and one bottle of passive-sacrificing serrate and a jar of passive-salt-raised carcilipin of hopeless remittance. Now, have you got that written down? I got it over one part. What part do you miss? The part that comes after dear druggers. That's because you're not paying any attention, Costello. Yes, I simply told you to get a little bit of a sapper-brawl device that you could rub on the case. I could tell you to get some half-reface of the hidden sucrose, but why should I pay more for all of me? Do we need some remontance? And I know what I'm talking about. You and nobody else! Costello, how dare you insult the doctor? I can't understand you. You can't understand me! Listen to him! This is the most outrageous thing I've heard in all my life. I'm a graduate of the veterinarian college at Francis Drough. You know where my friend is? Well, at seven miles turn to the rate over the past, there's a great big celebrate and you're over that percent. I took medicine for eight years. Yeah, but you forgot to take the spoon out of your mouth! Costello, please! Don't you mean it? Now, cut that out or the doctor won't treat your horse. That's right, young man. You realize that your horse is suffering from a very severe taste of twiddled salt and flint leaves. Woo! But that's... It could be worse. You might have stavories of the malnutrition Dr. Faulkner with it. It didn't get that much longer, by the way. That's a strong name. You know that that... When he's in that condition, why, he's liable to walk out there and track and pull his steering wheel. It's a sliver. He wasn't there! Anything but to the punch in the head! Don't mind Costello, doctor. Go ahead and get the horse ready for the race, please. Very well. Where shall I send the bill? Now, it's my turn. Bring your bill to room 509 in Baldypong to be turned for a building at the corner of St. Gallego. It's right here, sir. It's a big six-fair speed. Okay, I'll be there. Where? You said it. What did I say? I mean, hey, have it. Was that guy real or am I dreaming? I mean, I know it seems silly, but I'm tensioning myself. Young man, you're pinching me. I'm not so silly after all. Everybody, the horses are at the post for the first race. Come on, Costello. Your horse doesn't run till the last race. Let's make a few bets on the other races. Race and fawns, get your race and fawns. How about our race and form, young man? A what? I have the racing form. Well, keep your coat buttoned and nobody will notice you. Costello, this woman is a bookie. She's a bookie. Yeah. Oh, Evan, let's get out of here before a husband comes. I'm afraid of him. You're afraid of her husband? Yeah, everybody's afraid of the bookie, man. Oh, funny. Quiet, Costello. Let's make a bet. Yes, how about placing a bet with me? What race are you running in? I'd have won the last race of my life. What do you mean? Young man, would you like to buy one of my special dope sheets? Now, in this dope sheet, there's one horse that pays two hundred won. There's another horse that pays five hundred won. And my big dope sheet, special, pays one thousand to one. And do you know what I think? I think you better quit eating the dope of those sheets. Come here. Costello. The first race is about to start. I'll take your bet, Lou. You're going to take my bet? I'll take your bet. Okay, Evan, I'll bet two dollars. Here's the money. They're off. The race is over. You lose. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. The race is over. You lose. What kind of a race was that? What's wrong? A one step? Come on. Let that race over again. I want to see it. Five down, five down. Now, in the next race, I want you to double up. Double up. I ain't even straightened up from the last one. I mean, I want you to bet four dollars. You want me to bet four dollars? Yeah. Four dollars, my eyes. My eye. That's a good horse. It's a bet. They're off. The race is over. You lose. Wait a minute. Stop squawking. Accidents will happen. Maybe the horse got dust as high. You don't know. You know what dust is. Yeah, dust is mud with the juice squeezed out. Yeah, right. Now in the next race... The lake ought to be in the next race. Listen, there's only two horses in the next race. Jelly Bean and Lollipop. You bet on each horse and you can't lose. Well, maybe that's right. Certainly it's right. Jelly Bean and Lollipop. Two horses. I'm a sucker anyway. Yeah. Two horses. Yeah, bet on each horse. That's right. I can't lose. How can you lose? Okay, here's $20 on Jelly Bean. And here's $20 on Lollipop. Good. The horses are at the post. Right. They're off. Look, Lollipop first, Jelly Bean second. Come on. Jelly Pop. You... You mean Lollipop? I mean Jelly Pop. I'm betting on that order. Wait a minute. They're rounding the turn. Lollipop first, Jelly Bean second. Come on, somebody. They're in the stretch. Lollipop first, Jelly Bean second. They're under the wire. And the winner, Hershey Bar. Hershey Bar. Now, wait that's a nuts... Now, just a minute. In the last race... That was my last race. But wait a minute, Constellus. There's only one horse in this last race. Oh, one horse in this race. Certainly. You sound like one of them race tracks, Trout. Nah, nah, nah. Trout, Trout. All right. But I wouldn't make it out of... better if there was no horses in the race. But Castellus, your own horse. Peanut Butter. Peanut Butter. Yeah, one horse. Yes, yes, yes. That's different. Come on. Put ten dollars on the nose. Ten dollars on the nose. Ten dollars on the tail. Ten dollars on the tail. Here's another ten dollars. Put it under the saddle. What for? In case she comes in sideways. Look, if you can't lose, it's a one horse race. One horse race. Look, they're off in a bunch. Fuckin' one horse, we off in a bunch. Wait a minute. At the half, it's Peanut Butter. Come on, Peanut Butter. At the three quarters, Peanut Butter. Come on, Peanut Butter. Red, Peanut Butter. In the stretch, and the winner, Peanut Butter. Oh, hot butter win. Give me my money. Just a minute, folks. It's a photo finish. Hold on. Lollipop just came in from the last race. He must be one of B. Crosby's horses. Look at it. Who wonder I lost? What's the matter? Here comes my little butter, Sebastian, riding on Peanut Butter. What's the matter with that kid? Look at the way he's riding. He's riding underneath the horse. Sebastian, you should have won that race. What was the idea of riding underneath the horse instead of on top of him? What? Dr. Nazara told you to ride under the horse? Yeah. He said the horse was sick, and he told me to watch his stomach. Oh. Let's all take a ride with Connie Haynes on a trolley car. With my high stocked collar and my high top shoes and my hair, I'll help her my head. I went to lose a dolly. I'll put on the trolley. I wouldn't say my friend Derby and his bright green tie. He was quite the handsomest of men. The trolley. Ding, ding, ding. Went for bed. Went my heart's dream. For the moment I stuck, went for motor. Bump, bump, bump. Went for break. And he smiled, I could beat. He sipped his hat and took a seat. He said he hoped he hadn't stepped upon my seat. He asked my name. I couldn't speak because he scared me half to death. Bugs, bugs, bugs. Went for buzzers. Blobs, blobs, blobs. Went away. As he started to leave, I took hold of his fleet. It was grand just to dance. That was swell. A delightful demonstration of the loveliness that can come out of the human throat. And now, here's Button, Lou, back with the final work. Ken, we've just got time to say good night, folks. Good night and bye bonds, everybody. Bye bonds, plenty of them.