 everybody. All right so this is gonna be a little rushed but I need to change the shoe that is on my foot. Seems like it should be really simple right? Well I'm not sure if I've told you yet or not but the foot size that they gave me, it's funny that you can get like the wrong foot size, is wrong. So it's really difficult to put on or take off anything. This is why in the video of the Q&A I didn't take the shoe off before I put the leggings on over it because I'm too weak. So we're gonna try and put a boot on instead of my shoe because I'm heading out to counseling, which I'll talk about in just a minute. I want to wear boots not shoes because I feel like I tend to look cute today. Do you have a shoehorn? If worst comes to worst. We're just gonna go ahead and utilize this right away. This may be a terrible idea. All right shoe off. Boots. Easier than it was before. So I put a sock on. Maybe that makes all the difference. Um this was very anti-climatic. I have a boot on. I'm super excited. All right moving on now. Okay guys let's go and get some coffee and I will explain on the way what is going on. I'm gonna sit trash can there. Oh I did hit trash can. Good job. All right cool. Starting out great so far. I'm gonna blind this one on Brian for parking too close. So this is my first time going to counseling. My counselor has always come to me since surgery which has been so nice of her but since I can actually drive now I determined that I can safely do that last week. It is time for me to actually drive to her. So I am doing that. Now I have spent the last 48 hours trying to figure out a really solid excuse not to go to counseling because it sounds horrible right now. I am done with feelings emotions processing all of that. I want nothing more to do with it and that's where you guys come in. I have discovered that if I put something on film I'll do it. So I'm bringing you guys with me so that I actually show up and deal with my feelings because I don't want to. I just want to stay in an angry hole of darkness and not not not think about anything. But the most important part of counseling is getting coffee first. At least it is for me. I have a very very set routine but to get the courage to actually go into counseling I always have something warm in my hand. So today I'm going to allow myself the treat of a sugary terrible for me latte which in translation for me is courage in a cup to actually walk in to counseling. I just spilled my latte on myself. All right well that's a normal day for me. I'll be back and we'll continue. In a shocking twist of events I survived counseling guys and was not the least but sorry that I went. I psyched myself out for it a lot more than it deserves. I feel like confronting our emotions is often way more terrifying than we make it out to be. Sometimes it's just as scary as we predicted it would be but today was a good day. One of the things we tackle today in counseling is how I feel going out in public. I've talked about this previously but I am really struggling to like leave the house. I don't have a problem with I believe it's called a gorophobia or anything like that. Like I can leave the house but I'm terrified to do it especially alone. I think a big part of that is I'm not prepared for like the conversations and the looks and the stairs alone. Like looks and stairs that's like actually okay it's more like people asking me questions. I find that like I don't want people to ask about my leg but it's weird to me when they don't which I realize is completely contradictory. Like pick one already Joe but it's just being honest I feel like I waffle from second to second. Sometimes I'm like why aren't you asking about it? It's very clear I have a fake leg. Like this is obviously a big deal and then the next second I'm like please please don't look at me. Please don't talk to me. Please don't ask questions because I can't deal with it and I would never get like angry at anyone for either one because obviously I don't even know what I really want right now but it's just I think the word that like explains everything right now is exhausting like it just feels really mentally emotionally physically exhausting to go and do and be anything in public. I feel really vulnerable being out in public alone too because like I am limping really badly and I'm on crutches and like I can't I'm used to carrying myself well and I know how to you know to the best of my ability watch out for myself and I can't do that presently. Not like we ever have any control over what other people decide to do but because I've spent years in jiu-jitsu and MMA I feel fairly confident like with myself but now that is not the case and I'm kind of scared of people truth be told. Also it's a little weird to hold a camera in a parking lot when people can see you looking at yourself. I just went into my first non-medical appointment all by myself. It wasn't counseling it wasn't a doctor's appointment. I went into a UPS store all by myself. This seems like a very big or small deal but it's actually a really big deal because I have not been anywhere alone since October 11th 2017 um 2018 it's not been a year guys 2018 so like three months. I didn't die it wasn't as terrifying as I thought it would be people really nice to help the door open for me and stuff so hey people are pretty great actually if we give them a chance. So you've mostly seen me indoors but there's one major perk to living in Colorado and that is the amazing amazing amazing outdoors so on my way to my doctor's appointment I thought I would swing by one of the coolest things that I get to live around here in Colorado Springs. Getting better at this walking thing. So we live about 30 minutes from Garden of the Gods. Look it up if you don't know what it is it is a truly truly incredible like a feature of nature and um a place so I'm gonna go drive by this drive through it later today after my doctor's appointment. I'm finding that it's like important to do things that make me still feel like me and something I always used to do is just drive around and listen to good music like I was listening to Need to Breathe on the way over and um drive through nature so that's what I'm gonna do later today but first gotta go you know check with the doctor make sure everything is going okay but uh check this out guys it's so pretty here