 Good health to you all from Rexall. It's the Phil Harris Alice Fay show presented by the makers of Rexall drug products and 10,000 independent Rexall family drugists. This is your Rexall family drugists wishing you for 10,000 independent Rexall drugists a new year full of happiness and prosperity. This year we hope to serve you better than ever and though 1950 may see some changes on the American scene two things will be the same. The orange and blue Rexall sign on our windows and the 2,000 or more drug products made by the Rexall drug company that we carry. Plenimans, Rexall's multivitamin capsules is a good example. Two plenimen capsules a day give you more than your minimum daily requirement of every vitamin for which such requirements have been established thus valuable liver concentrate and iron. And that's the kind of quality we family drugists are talking about when we tell you you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. All from Rexall. And now your Rexall family drugists bring you the Phil Harris Alice Fay show written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Ruse and Whitfield Walter Sharpe in his music, yours truly Bill Foreman and starring Alice Fay and Bill Harris. Today is the dawn of a new year a dawn that brings the promise of happiness to some of worldly gain to others and despair to a few. At least that's the way it affects the members of the Harris household. Alice looks forward to it with happiness. I have a lot to look forward to this year. I'm a lucky girl to have two beautiful children and a husband to match. Brother William's thoughts run along another line on this new year's morning. 1950. One year closer to the time my war bonds mature. Then there's Phil. Oh, my poor head. Oh, this is a 14 karat Clyde I got to see. You ever had such a headache? No wonder you have a headache after what you did last night. You're right, honey. Absolutely right. And that's the last time I read Shakespeare under a dim light. Philip, you look awful. What happened last night? Where did you two go? We went to a soiree at the musician's union. Oh, heavens. Alice, is it safe to go to one of those affairs? Whatever made you do it? I don't know. I guess I like to live dangerously. What are you talking about? It was a very orderly party. The cops only had to use tear gas three times. I don't see how you can enjoy those things. Now tell me honestly, Philip, did you have a good time? Did I have a good time? Did I have a good... Alice, did I? Philip, don't you remember what happened last night? Willie, I told you I was too busy reading Shakespeare. You know something, Bill? That cat's a pretty good writer. You know something I just couldn't put on his story about how they cured the alcoholic? Shakespeare wrote a story about curing an alcoholic? Yeah, the taming of the stew. Alice, there's a bus leaving for Reno in 15 minutes. Get on it, please. What does she want to go to Reno for? This kid don't gamble. Philip, it's about time you changed. Oh, Willie, stop picking on Phil. I like him the way he is. Only because you're too young to know your own mind. I am not too young. You're so right. Pick on him. Go on. Philip, what I'm trying to say is this. Today is the beginning of a new year, the dawn of a new decade. And it's an ideal time for you to take stock of all your human frailties and attempt to correct your many failings. In short, get with it, one guy. Oh, this kid's got too much time on his hands. Let me tell you something, Willie. Stop trying to come between me and Alice. I happen to be a very good husband. A good husband wouldn't take his wife to a brawl like the one you took Alice to last night. I told you it wasn't a brawl. Just a bunch of musicians at play. You know how those guys are. They're just mischievous little imps. And you should have seen the lead imp, Frankie. The last time I saw him, he was crawling around on the floor, biting people in the leg. He was not. He was just giving somebody a hot foot. Of course, I'll admit that Frankie enters into the spirit of those things a little more than anybody else. In fact, the way he carried on last night, I doubt if he'll ever be... Hiya, Curly. Remly. Are you still alive? I don't know. The coroner's report hasn't come in yet. Well, party last night, wasn't it? After you left, we had a great time up to three o'clock, but then it quieted down. What happened? The veterinarian came in and gave us all this temper shot. Stop exaggerating. I'm not exaggerating, Alice. It was... Guess my shot's starting to wear off. Why, that must have been the wildest affair you musicians ever had. Oh, I wouldn't say that. Last year's was a beaut. That's when we held our survival of the fittest party. You remember that? I lost a whole brass section at that one. You know, Francis, you could stand a little straightening out for the new year, too. Curly? Yeah. What reform movement is little Carrie Nation on now? Eyes on my neck. He wants me to change my ways. Faultless little mate. He thinks I need improvement. Isn't that ridiculous? No. You're not perfect, you know. Well, my fans think I am. I have universal appeal and I'm loved by all three sexes, men, women and children. Well, I get thousands of letters every week. Oh, by the way, Curly, I just came from NBC and I brought your fan mail for this week. Here it is. One postcard. One lousy postcard. Go ahead and read it to us, fella. I just to find out how your multitude of fan feels about you. All right, all right, smart guy. I'll read it and I'll guarantee it's full of raves. Listen to this. Dear Mr. Harris, I have followed your career in radio for many years and I think that you're the most scintillating personality to hit the airwaves since Lucy Monroe. Yours is the most entertaining show in radio and I can't find a single thing wrong with it except... Well, go on. Well, I'd like to but from here on out this writing becomes a little unenlegable. Never mind, Phil, I'll read it. I can't find a single thing wrong with your show except for two glaring faults which I'm sure you're aware of and it's signed your ardent fan, Sweeney. Two faults? Could I possibly have... No! The guy's a crackpot. If you weren't afraid to face the fact you'd look this man up and find out what these faults are. Who's afraid? I'll go over and see this Sweeney guy right now. He's had dresses on the postcard. Come on, Alice. You and Frankie come with me. I'll show you. Wonder what this guy, Sweeney, looks like? Well, if he's home, we'll soon find out. Well, his cards sounded like he's a very intelligent person. Oh, uh, how do you do, sir? Gee, it's people. What was he expecting? A herd of llamas? Keep quiet and remly, please, a minute. Mr. Sweeney, I received a fan letter from you and I came to talk to you about it. You see, my name is Phil Harris. Phil Harris? You mean THE Phil Harris? My favorite radio star? The greatest personality in the history of show business? The one and only. Oh, Mr. Sweeney, don't over... Let this boy talk. Mr. Sweeney, I know exactly how you feel about me because I feel the same way. I think that Phil Harris would come to my little house. No, it can't be. You're not Phil Harris. Look, I tell you, I'm me. Now, what do I have to do to prove that I'm Phil Harris? Why don't you stagger formally? That won't help. You'll think I'm you. Look, Mr. Sweeney, I'm Phil Harris and I can prove it to you. You see, I brought my wife with me. Recognize Alice Faye, don't you? Gee, it is Alice Faye. Golly, I haven't been so thrilled since the time I got caught in a revolving door with sunny tops. Gee, Miss Faye, I used to love you in pictures. I went to see every picture you ever made. Oh, well, thank you very much. See, you have a very nice voice. Why didn't you ever make a talkie? Crack like that and I'll have Frankie bite you in the leg. I made talking pictures. Oh, I'm sorry. You got me so flustered. I don't know what I'm saying. Just being near you makes me tremble. I'm so nervous my knees are shaking. What's that? My bicycle clips. Bicycle clips? Hey, do you wear them clips around our house? Yes, I do it to prevent catching cold. Why are you like that? That science is wonderful, ain't it, Remly? Gee whiz, first anti-histamine and now bicycle clips. What will they think of next? I must be dense. Hey, Sweeney. How do bicycle clips prevent you from catching cold? Well, the house is very drafty and they stop the cold air from blowing up my trouser legs. Yeah. But let's not stand in the doorway. Won't you please come in? Oh, thank you. Sit down. Can I get you something to drink? I have some delicious dandelion wine. Made it myself. Curly, I'm getting out of here. Or if you'd rather have some grape wine, I think I have a little left. I used to make that myself, too, but I had to give it up. Why? You see these purple slippers on my feet? What about them? They're not slippers. I'm ready to go with you. So long, Sweeney. Now, wait, Phil, wait. Mrs. Sweeney, in your card to Mr. Harris, you said there were two things you didn't like about his program. You mind telling us what they are? Well, I hesitate to mention it, but as long as you ask me, there are two things I don't like about this show. What are they? You're singing in Frank Remly. Just a minute, please. It's very incongruous that a man of your intelligence and breeding would associate with such a low character as Remly. True. He is beneath me. But what is your objection to my voice, Sweeney? Oh, I have no objection to your voice. I love it. I just object to the way it's being wasted. Wasted? Yes. Your voice is far too good to be thrown away on the type of song you sing. You're great when you sing things like an old master painter. You have all the natural attributes of a... of a concert singer. Ah, Sweeney, don't be ridiculous. I ain't never gonna... Concert singer, huh? Yeah. Yeah, why not? Why can't I be a great singer? Because of your voice. Does that answer your question? I don't know. I've been told before that my voice has great qualities. Mr. Sweeney, may I tell you that I am deeply indebted to you. That's all right. It's been a pleasure having you people in my little house. Miss Faye, it's been so wonderful meeting you. I want to give you one of these as a little memento to sort of remember me by. Ah, just what I needed, a bicycle clip. Oh, thanks, Mr. Sweeney, but I couldn't accept it. Why, is it too personal? No. No, but I wouldn't want you walking around with a cold in one leg. Hey, sweetie, I want to thank you again for your very constructive criticism. And look, I want you to drop over to our house and see us sometime. Drop in any time at all, huh? Thanks. Come on, Alice, Frankie, let's go. Come on. Let's not waste any time. Let's get in the car. Alice, which way is the Philharmonic Auditorium? Phil, surely you're not going to take this seriously. Why not? Sweeney's my public, and if my public wants me to be a concert singer, I owe it to them. Just because Sweeney tells you. Well, why not? Anybody can see he's a very intelligent man. Oh, yeah, the bicycle clips prove that. Guy's a genius with purple feet. Phil, honey, before you go ahead with this and make a fool of yourself, do me one favor. Get the opinion of a professional voice coach. If he thinks you have a good voice, I won't stop. All right, all right. If it'll make you happy, I'll call a voice coach and I'll have him come over to the house and listen to me. Oh, I can see the expression on his face as I raise my voice thusly. Stand back, Alice. Your bull is about to bellow. The master painter from the faraway hills Painted the violets and the daffodils He put the purple in the twilight haze Pended a rainbow for the rainy days Screamed up the murals on the blue summer skies Painted the devil in my darling's eyes Captured in greenery with a thousand grills An old master painter from the faraway hills Then came his masterpiece and when he was through He smiled out from heaven and he gave What a beautiful job on that wonderful day The old master painter from the faraway hills End of the murals on the blue summer skies Painted that devil in my darling's eyes Captured in master painter from the faraway hills Then came his masterpiece and when he was through He smiled out from heaven and he gave What a beautiful master painter from the faraway hills Faraway, faraway Flat scale is in perfect shape. Say, Alice, what time is that voice coach coming over? He'll be here any minute. Now, look, Phil. I call John Crowne. He's one of the finest voice coaches in the country. And he's coming over here to tell you you have a bad voice, so please listen to him. Okay, I'm going to be... What do you mean he's coming over here to tell me I have a bad voice? You have the bad voice. He hasn't heard me yet. Nobody can tell I got a bad voice until they hear me. What's bad voice? Oh, honey, Phil, I don't mean you have a bad voice, but it isn't of constant quality, believe me. The very thought of you trying it worries me. Well, there's no need for you to worry. Just because it's the end of the Phil Harris Alice Face Show. Now, when I start my new program out... What new program? The Rexall Concert Hour. Starring Philip Harris and Margaret Truman. Truman is going to take my place, huh? But don't you fret, Alicia. Don't you fret because I'll manage to find a place for you as third soprano in the choir. Or if you prefer to take up the bassoon, I think I have a bassoon that'll fit you. And now, if you'll excuse me, my dear, I must get my voice in shape, please. Hey, Remli, will you hurry up with that throat spray, huh? I'll get ready in a few minutes. Okay. Oh, I can hear me and Miss Truman doing a duet now. Well, I'm calling you. Will you answer to my own, Julius? Please interrupt, Julius. Mr. Harris is rehearsing for the concert stage. Oh, no! I'm thinking of making my debut next week. I'll make my debut in the fortnight. At the Philharmonic Auditorium, if you please, and I'll be a sensation. No doubt. I wouldn't be a bit surprised. Hey, what's the record at the auditorium now? The last time I was there to sign said that you cut it in half. You mind your little canned stacker? You're going to have a very fine voice. All my voice needs is somebody to train it. I know just the guy. Whoa. Frank Buck. Something wise, Guy. Now, if you insist on hanging around here, you better make yourself useful. Now, go in the kitchen and see what's taking Remli so long with my throat spray. I got to get my voice warmed up. Come in the kitchen. We'll hold it over the gas. Do this to music lovers. Hi, Mr. Remli. Oh, hi, Ken. Hey, Mr. Remli, I just heard the bad news about Mr. Harris going in for concert singing. Yeah, ain't it awful? But don't worry, Julius. I'm going to save my pal for making a fool of himself. When that voice coach gets here, Curly won't be able to open his mouth. How do you know? I'm mixing the throat spray. I don't want to kill him. I just want to slow him down a little. I got the spray almost prepared. All I got to add are these three soothing ingredients. What are they? Almond, plaster of Paris, and rubber cement. Precisely, Doctor. Well, it's all ready. Now all we have to do is spray Curly's throat every time he opens his mouth. Hey, Remli, what's taking you so long to get the throat spray ready? It's all prepared. It's all prepared. Open your mouth. Oh, you got it, huh? Okay. Hey, that stuff tastes good. Glad you like it. Here, have one for the road. All right. I've had enough. Now if you still want it. Yeah, honey. Oh, Mr. Crown has just arrived. Here he is. Ah, at last my voice coach is here. Cut it out, Remli. I've had enough, I told you. Mr. Crown, this is my husband, Mr. Harris. How do you do, Mr. Harris? Your wife has told me all about you and I'm very anxious to hear your voice. And I don't blame you, Mr. Crown. You have a great treat to store for you. When I sing on the road to Mandalay, you hear what is partly the most gorgeous bathtub in this park, which has never been full voice when I sing on the road to Mandalay. Your pardon? I sing when I sing on the road to Mandalay. It's age, Alan. I can't waste my time, Mr. Harris. I came to hear your voice, so please let me hear it. Well, darling, that's what I'm trying to do. Sing on the road to Mandalay for the man. Let me hear your voice, so please let me hear it. Alison Phil will be back in just a moment. But first, here's your Rexall family druggist. Quite often, a customer will ask me why Rexall Milk of Magnesia is so pleasant tasting. Albright, why is it? Well, my friend, to begin with, Rexall's men of science use the purest and finest USP chemicals available for the basic ingredients in Rexall Milk of Magnesia. And then, it's carefully compounded with specially designed equipment which completely mixes and blends these ingredients. Then, it goes through an extra process. What do you mean, extra process? Well, it passes through a special piece of equipment that very slowly smooths and churns until the liquid is creamy and fluffy. And to cap it all, before Rexall Milk of Magnesia is finally bottled, it's filtered twice through 120 mesh silk. No wonder it's pleasant tasting. No wonder it's one of America's popular anti-acid laxatives. Yes, the consistent quality of Rexall Milk of Magnesia is one more reason why 10,000 family druggists tell you you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Good health to all from Rexall. And a happy new year to everyone and to the biggest little town in the south, Galveston, Texas, where they're having their Oleander Bowl tomorrow New Year's Day with two great teams, McMurray College and Missouri Valley College. Happy New Year, everybody. Thanks for listening to us. If you're tormented by a cough these winter days, try Cherisote, Rexall's famous cough remedy. Ruby Red Pleasant-Tasting Cherisote goes after coughs in two ways. First, it soothes the raw and irritated membranes of your throat and bronchial tubes. Second, it helps loosen your cough. Remember, it's a good idea to see your doctor about a cough that hangs on. Add Rexall Cherisote to your family medicine chest. Ask for it at the store with the orange and blue Rexall sign on the window. And remember, you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Stay tuned for Sam Spade, then two great stars on Theater Guild on NBC.