 and welcome to another episode of Recover Loud. I'm your host, Mike Paddleford, and I Recover Loud. Today's episode features Angela Crabtree from Down East Maine. Her story of trauma and resilience has brought her to the light of recovery. I'm grateful to sit down with her today and hear how she's giving back to her community. Give them all cause that's just who I am. Angela Crabtree and I Recover Loud. Hi, today we're sitting here with Angela Crabtree from Down East Maine. Angela, thanks for coming and sharing your story with us. Thanks for having me, Mike. Everybody's experience is valuable and important, and to have you come here to share yours is much appreciated. So can you tell us a little bit about what it was like growing up in your household? What did that look like for you? Well, I am a twin, and my twin brother died when we were two and a half. And for a long time, I thought that I killed him because he fell down the stairs. And I pushed him when we were playing. And that messed me up for a really long time. And my parents were absent. Grew up in a home with alcoholics, madics, you know? So from the very start, you didn't really have good coping skills or the good role models. To deal with that, that must have been very traumatic. Two and a half is an early age, but it's still, I mean, you're old enough to know what's going on and have those memories. So I'm sure that was awful. So how did you deal with that? Well, I just became a completely different child. We did grow up with another family. My mom got clean after my brother died. And we moved around. We moved around a lot. And then I just went through a lot of abuse from my sister. I was beat every single day, just kind of tortured. And I started cutting at nine years old. Wow. It wasn't a healthy coping mechanism, but you got some relief from that. Yeah, it was like I wasn't doing it to kill myself, but it just helped release that emotional pain. It was the only way that I knew because I had nobody to talk to. I thought there was something wrong with me. And I just couldn't figure it out. I couldn't understand why nobody wanted me and why nobody wanted to help me. Now, at that early age, did you realize that you needed somebody to talk to? Were you open with your parents? Did you ask for help? It was, I want to say, the third grade my teacher actually told my mom I needed counseling because I was drawing pictures of a casket at the bottom of stairs with me standing next to it. Yeah. Yeah, so that memory stuck with you and haunted you. A long time. At what point did you turn to substances? I was 14. So at 14, I did what most kids do in Downey's Mane. I thought it would be cool to smoke and drink. And I wanted to fit in. I so desperately just wanted to fit in because I moved there, so I didn't grow up there. And I didn't know anybody, and I didn't fit in. I was different. And so that's what I did. And it was the only way for me to kind of fit in. And it was way better than cutting. A lot of times when I hear people's stories, I almost understand the reasoning for choosing to escape. I had my own reasons growing up, obviously, to want to escape. But that's a lot for a child your age to handle. And when we're not shown how to deal with those things and not helped the way, because we don't know what help we need. We're too young to understand that. And when our parents aren't there to provide that, so I understand the need. And I mean, obviously, you weren't going out to become an addict and to become an alcoholic and to destroy the rest of your life. You were just choosing to get away from it in the moment. So how bad did it get for you? After high school, I joined the carnival. OK. And I was a carny and did that for a little bit. And I moved to Lewiston. And from the age of 19 to 21, I tried to commit suicide nine times. I was blue-papered nine times from overdosing on purpose. That was also when I found my drug of choice. And I completely fell in love. It was like I found my best friend. And I got into a little bit of legal trouble. And then came back home in 2004, found out that I had hepatitis C. It was devastated. I didn't really know anything about it back then. Everybody was like, oh. And we know today that there is a cure. A lot of friends that I have have gone through the treatments. Did you have that opportunity? Yeah. So unfortunately, I got pregnant first. So I had to wait a whole year before starting the treatment. And I did the old treatment. So I was on interferon and ribberin. And I was on it for six months. And then I ended up in the hospital because my spleen didn't necessarily rupture. But I was bleeding internally. And they thought I was going to die. And my daughter was about six months old when that happened. And I remember going to my doctor's and begging him, no, you have to keep me on it. You said a year. It was going to be more effective after a year. And he looked right at me and told me, no, you're going to die. We need to stop. He's like, you're virus free. And I've been virus free ever since. As substance users, we're susceptible to a lot of different diseases. Just the lifestyle we live. And then overdose isn't the only way that someone dies with the disease of substance use disorder. So knowing that that treatment's there and it worked for you, I'm happy for you. And for other people out there who may have Hep C, there is a cure. There is a treatment. And I'm just grateful that my friends have been able to get that and glad to see that it worked for you. What was it that made you decide to get well and to recovery? Well, when I came home and after going through the treatment with the Hep C, I had my daughter. And then I went to cosmetology school. And then I got married in 2006. And I wanted something different. And I was fighting with the fact of whether or not I was really an addict at the time because I was like, well, I don't want to use. And I don't really have to use because I wasn't around it anymore. OK. And then I got divorced in 2010, met somebody else, started drinking all the time with him. It was a very abusive, abusive relationship. And then started doing drugs again. Yeah. Yeah, we have to be vigilant in recovery. Just not wanting to use sometimes isn't enough because our sick brains can bring us back to using and choosing to drink and lead to other things. And that's what happened for you. So how long did that last? So in 2013 was when I really relapsed. I was assaulted by the guy that I was seeing. I relapsed. That was the year that I also met another guy. Was in a gang, was transporting drugs, got caught, spent some time in federal prison. First time I'd ever really, really been in trouble. And that was like a hard pill to swallow. I had to joke about it in order to kind of get through it. And I spent three years away from my daughter. And then I came home in 2017. And I stayed clean for a little bit, became the manager of KFC within three months of working there. And I stayed that way for like a year or something like that. And I met my son's father. And you went back out again. So yeah, I got pregnant with my son's father. And then he ended up going back to prison. They raided our apartment. He went back to prison. My son was born August 10th of 2018. His dad came home August of 2019. And September 1st, he had been home for like four days. First time he's met his son. And I had gone to the hospital that morning. I should say we decided that we were going to use one last time. We were going to stop together. Because I had tried stopping before he came home. And I couldn't figure out why. Why I couldn't stop. But we were like, OK, this is the last time. We'll do it together. So September 1st, 2019, I came home from the hospital. Around noon time. And I walked into my apartment. And I found him dead in our apartment. And my first thought was, are you effing kidding me right now? Because we still had drugs in the house. I was on federal probation. I stepped over him. I already knew that he was gone. And so I stepped over him because I wanted to get high before I called 911. And I needed to get rid of everything. So again, another huge dramatic experience for you. Being somebody that once was dependent on substances to deal with life, I can understand why you would need to use in that moment. So how did that turn around? How did you get out of it finally? I had to send my son away for like five days because I couldn't even take care of myself. I knew I wasn't going to be able to take care of my son. CPS still took my son from me. But after five days, I walked into my very first 12-step meeting. And I started with IOP. I got individual substance abuse counseling, mental health counseling. And I just knew that something needed to change. IOP's intensive outpatient program. So did that work? Yes. I actually asked to be in it a little bit longer than normal. I was still on federal probation. And I will say my PO's never gave up on me. They were like surrogate parents. I wanted to give up so many times. And they just didn't give up. They didn't give up on me. I got a new job. I got a new apartment. I walked to work in the freezing rain two miles both ways. I did what I needed to do. And you got to do that? I did. Eight months into, so I have one more slip, one more relapse. So my clean date is December 15 of 2019. And that's when I really had that aha moment of what the disease is and how it really works. Because before, I wasn't quite sure. I still was playing with the idea of whether or not. I still kind of wanted that excuse of whether or not I could use. Right. But then finally, I had that moment. And then eight months later, I was buying my first home. And how did that feel? Words can't even describe it. Eight, I had the keys to my house. And I got my son back right before buying our house. So my son was there. I got to paint his bedroom whatever color he wanted. I painted my bathroom pink just because I could. Right. And then I bought a brand new car. And now I just, I do other, I mean, it's just been great since being in recovery. I'm a member of BARC, which is the Bangor Area Recovery Community Coalition. Nice. And their focus is on community education and resources. And then I'm also a member of the main mom's advocacy program. What our goals are is to provide advocacy for families affected by substance use disorder to address gaps in services and basic needs for families affected by substance use disorder. And to increase awareness and provide education across the state system and the community. And one of the things that I do is set up presentations with, whether it be federal probation or pancreas. So my son goes to Head Start and bring main moms there. And we do a presentation about what main moms is, because it's a resource. And that's what I like to do. So I do a lot of community outreach on my own. Yeah, that's amazing. So after all the trauma that you went through and the struggles that you had with your own mental health and substance use, why are you choosing to help others now? I think it is so important. Because if I hadn't had this chance and I hadn't understood what the disease was, I would have died along out there. And it's so important. I think education is the key. We know what the issue is now. We know that it's the disease. We know what the disease is. It's not about just treating the symptoms anymore. Right. And using substances is a symptom of a bigger problem. And focusing on the trauma that we went through, recovering loud, talking about it. When we stay silent, we don't deal with it. We can't heal with it or from it. So we sit in silence. We suffer in silence. When we recover and we recover loud, we're helping others while we're helping ourselves. So I've known you a few weeks now. And just seeing and hearing your story and seeing where you are today, I feel blessed to know you. Because so many instances, you could have been gone. And then the life that you have today wouldn't be there. Your children wouldn't have their mother. Main moms wouldn't have an advocate. The recovery community would be missing an important member. So thank you for deciding to get better and doing what you needed to do. And I'm happy to support you in all you do and appreciate you coming on and sharing this with our viewers. Because these are the important conversations we need to have. If you could take a moment to speak to people who may be struggling out there right now, what would you tell them? I would say you're not alone. Never alone, never again. That's one of the things that I had to learn. It's really hard to swallow pride sometimes and ask for help. But it's worth it. I found something that I was missing for a long time. And it is just an amazing feeling to know that I can show up today for the people that I love and care about. Because I'm a human being, and so are you. And it's all about the compassion. People don't have a lot of compassion anymore. And we're all human beings. We all suffer with something. Nobody goes through this life perfectly. Nobody goes through this life without help at times. So when we're in the darkness and we feel like nobody cares and nobody loves us, there's a community that does. And we're willing to help. We're willing to offer the resources. Because we've seen what this side of it looks like. And we're now superheroes, but we did it. And when we were here today, we dealt with those traumas. And it didn't kill us. I'm going to love you until you can learn to love yourself. And that's what this is about. And we love others because we know what it's like to not feel that love, not to fit in. So I'm proud of you today. And again, I appreciate you coming and sharing your story. Thank you again for having me here. It was such a great honor to be able to be here and share my story with you. And there's so many more great things to go on from here. Exactly. Recovery's a journey. Don't stop now. Keep going. Keep climbing. And I appreciate you reaching back to help others. Hey, guys. My name's T. I'm the director for Recovery Loud. And this is T-Talk. I'm here with Ashley and Angela. And we're going to check in for the week. So I'll start. For me, this week, I have done a lot of outside things. I got invited to join a new warming hut, opening up in Auburn. And we're trying to figure that out. And I also am going on a show to talk more about recovery and eating disorders involved in recovery. And next week is my recovery coach. So next week, I will officially be a recovery coach. Ashley? I'm Ashley. This week, I actually reached out and signed up for more courses to further my education for recovery coaching. So I'm looking forward to that. I just want my education to go above and beyond what I already know. And that's about what I've done this week. And I'm Angela. And I am going to be getting ready to do overdose response training coming up next week. And I am getting ready to also do a state steering meeting. And that's pretty much it for me. Well, guys, thank you for being on. Thank you, my wife, Katie, for being our camera girl. And everyone, recover loud. Have a good night. This week, many of the recovery advocates from across the state were successful in getting the legislature to pass the expansion of the Good Samaritan Law. I want to thank Governor Janet Mills for compromising with us on this bill to help save lives. I want to express my deepest appreciation to Senator Chloe Maxman and Representative Charlotte Warren for their work on this bill. The main recovery advocates worked hard to get this law passed because we understand the importance of saving lives. Thank you for the hard work you've put in. Recover loud, everyone. So every time I call, you pick up the phone in. Always reminding me that I'm not alone in. Even when I'm scared and my feet are frozen, you help me keep it going like a semi-colon. Even if I'm lost, you help me like a wave. And even in the dark, you're always keeping me safe. And everything I've lost, don't compare to what I've gained. So no matter what it costs, yeah, I'll be willing to pay. Got the phone in. Always reminding me that I'm not alone in. Even when I'm scared and my feet are frozen, you help me keep it going like a semi-colon. So I'mma follow your steps for all of the way up on my faith in you. And walk on the waves. And if I stumble a bit and fall on my face, you're gonna save me with all of your grace. Yeah, thank God.