 Today's episode is sponsored by The Dark Room. Well, I guess it's time for another one. Another edition of Gas Station Hopping and Me Struggling With My Demons, which are mostly photography related. Road Trips. They're good for your soul. But what if you don't have a soul? Well then, I guess listening to music about death is a good alternative. Enter Lord Huron, one of my favorite bands. If I had to describe their work, I'd say that they're somewhere between a polka band and, I don't know, ambient slaughterhouse recordings? I'm not really much of a concert goer myself, but they were performing in Denver in a couple of days and I wanted to be there for that. The problem is I don't live in Denver, but luckily I have this thing called a motorcycle and I've been yearning to do another ass grinding road trip like the one I did last year. More on that in a couple minutes once we cover some photography f*** ups that I made. Don't act like this whole thing is a bad idea. You've probably done something similar yourself, driven hundreds of miles to see your favorite performer live. We've all done it. It's not that big a deal. For this mission east, I packed up some photography gear. After all, that's what we do here. And basic survival supplies for the road ahead, sorry. Road ahead. Anyway, after kissing my roommate goodbye and a solid fist bump from my dog, I got ready to go. I had four days to get to Denver from LA and for a lot of it, I'd be alone on the Honda, which I faithfully nicknamed Rusty because all of our aftermarket bolts were pretty rusted out from riding through a hurricane last year. Getting out of LA was the same as it always is. Traffic out the ass anywhere you go. But eventually I escaped from under cloud cover and made it out to the desert just in time to visit meth Jurassic Park. Since it was my very first stop on a long trip, it was also time to figure out what on my bike would be broken already. This time my custom hand built with love windshield support that I've been trying to solve for a year was basically in shambles. Just like any typical version two of something, this one was far less effective than that version one, so I'd just have to ditch it entirely. Anyway, whatever, I figured I'd load up the Nikon F2 and get to shooting. I wanted to try something different, so I put in rolly infrared black and white and used an R72 filter on the lens, which blocks all visible light and only lets infrared light through the first photo of the trip. Notoriously always bad. And this one is definitely no exception. It always takes a minute or two to get in the zone. Oh, Riley auto parts. Before this trip began, I developed a strategy so good that World War Two generals would have to change their pants. Hear me out. Roli infrared looks really, really cool when you shoot it and only capture infrared light. I mean, what else are you going to shoot in the middle of a bright ass midday desert sun anyway? But here's the kicker. At the end of the day, Roli infrared is just a black and white film. Just pop that infrared filter off when you don't have enough light and then bam, you have a normal ass 400 speed black and white film. It's super versatile in theory. But man, oh man, was I up catastrophically and I didn't even know it yet. OK, this image is it actually is worse than it looks. Why? Well, let's start with the obvious fact that a visible light blocking filter on a TTL camera will block out any and all bits of light that we humans can see. That's right. The viewfinder was blacked out pretty much the whole time. And I was kind of just guesstimating every shot I took. And I think it kind of shows. I don't know how I didn't think about this ahead of time, but that isn't even the worst of it. If you zoom in, which God forbid you do under any circumstances, you'd realize that they are slightly out of focus. Why? Well, the gist is infrared light focuses on a different plane than visible light. Yeah, it's pretty trippy stuff. It's also day one stuff. Literally, babies know this and I don't. Basically, when you set focus, you're then supposed to twist your focus forward to the red infrared notch to account for this infrared focus shift. Not all lenses have the notch. And to be fair, if you stop down to like F8 or F11, this isn't really a problem most of the time. Anyway, I was wide open the whole time because you basically have to shoot this film at ISO six if you're trying to only capture infrared light. Anyway, for better or definitely certainly worse, these images all display only infrared light, which is kind of a surreal look for the desert on gas. I decided to pull over in this little remote desert town to find someone and siphon their tank when they weren't looking. Lo and behold, it was a cool little area with many abandoned buildings and I got distracted by my deep overwhelming passion for photography. There was someone else that pulled up in the same area as me, Jack, an older gentleman who was visiting because he said he used to be a trucker and he would eat here often because the people were great, maybe as recently as 1998. Hey, that rhymed. I'm a poet and I didn't even know that I was one. While Jack was right, time is truly a bitch as it passes. I was more concerned with shooting some absolute fuego images on my infrared film, which are all soft. Like my entire generation. I don't think these shots are bad. I just know that they could have been better technically. For these dimmer interiors, I took off the R72 and shot normally at 400. After all, that was the strategy all along, right? Well, it turns out that they're OK. The strategy was a success, kind of. It's kind of like my own personal Normandy Beach. Yeah, sure, it worked, but at what cost? Let's get to this gas station, 30 minutes. Cruising across the deep desert was certainly something. It's just a straight shot, honestly. I think the people who built the road probably threw in one little S curve to keep it interesting for the drivers. Anyway, a couple of miles down the road of the California border, I stopped in Salami, Arizona at this motel that was literally in the middle of nowhere. I honestly thought that it was abandoned when I first pulled up. But it wasn't. I was just their first customer in probably like a month. Thinking that other people would definitely show up later and that I wouldn't die out here alone at this derelict motel. I unloaded my pack and called it. For I had just done about 300 miles in the desert heat and I was out of energy for the day. So, yeah, the interior here was cool. It was hunting themed and seeing as how we were deep in the desert, far away from anywhere that I can imagine there being live game. I started to wonder what they hunt out here. After realizing it's people, which I am one of, I settled in and made my peace with the fact I wasn't going to sleep tonight. Cool little hotel room. Definitely has a theme. That theme is hunting. You guys aren't going to believe this. New Live Laugh Love dropped. It's Live Laugh Love version two. Live Laugh 300 miles, 95 degrees, crosswinds. But I made it and I'm exhausted. Oh, there's a fly in here. Very interesting hotel. I think I would feel a little bit better if there was literally anyone else here. Wow, this must be the only place Google doesn't actually tell you the sunset. Oh, it's because I spelled it wrong. 730. OK, so that's in like two hours. You know what? Let's take this opportunity and load up some color film. This year, I brought my Minolta Freedom Zoom Explorer EX in place of my contacts T2. The T2 lens is fixed at 38 millimeters, which can be a bit tight sometimes. This Minolta actually has a 28 to 70 on it, and it's pretty sharp. So it seemed to be a better overall camera for who knows what I'll find out on the road. Anyway, with the sun going down and the sounds of human hunting parties rallying in the distance, I, a frightened little film photography drifter who could disappear easily, grab my weapon of choice, the Minolta, and shot some abandoned shacks that were literally right next door. This first shot is the best of the set that evening, but that isn't really saying much. I do like the cactus shadow on the building. The lighting and colors aren't half bad either. Kodak gold can be kind of hit or miss. Sometimes there's a reason it's a cheaper and more discount film than the likes of Portra. I think the difference really lies in the cast of colors in the shadows. If I was being honest with myself, I wasn't really that hungry. It was really more of like a necessity thing. I went over there and the lady was really nice. She told me they were closing in 15 minutes, so I wasn't going to be that guy. There's nothing really around. So I guess I'm just going to starve as I can eat tums if I get hungry. Not as fun as you might think. It's better to have someone to like go through the experience with you, even if it sucks. Why am I alone right now? Is it because I burned all my bridges with my friends? Yep. The real reason that I'm doing this trip is because last year we did a cross country trip on our motorcycles. Me and my buddy Tim and Tim's bike broke down south of Minneapolis. He just had to leave it there over the winter. This year we were planning on just going to get it. But I told him I didn't want to go all the way to Minneapolis again, like from LA. No, thanks. I've done it. Basically, I'm going to be by myself the first couple of days because Tim is in Minnesota and he and I are kind of converging in Denver where the concert is. And then we just head back from Denver. But I thought I was going to enjoy being alone. I don't know, maybe I'll get used to it. Apparently the breakfast here slaps pretty damn hard. Things that I like about this hotel room, the interior design is inspired by Duck Dynasty, probably. Things that I do not like about this hotel. I am still the only person here. Anyway, it was time to, as Walt Whitman once famously wrote, get the f*** out of there. So I packed up the bike and headed north towards the Grand Canyon. Eventually I took a little break in Ash Fork, which is along Route 66, I believe. Caleb and I actually came here a couple of years ago and shot it a little bit. It doesn't really change too much since then, but after talking to some people in town, it sounds like land developers are starting to move in and build the place up, which means this abandoned motel probably won't be there for too much longer. So I was glad I can capture it on infrared film, even if it is a little bit soft. Anyway, just outside the canyon or random desert gaping hole in the earth, whatever you want to call it, I had some time to kill before sunset, which means Margarita time a the park into the Grand Canyon for sunset. I feel like parking is going to be a pain in the ass, but that's my problem, not yours. It's currently going to take about an hour to get there, even though I'm only going like eight miles. And that's just because it's a Mario Day weekend. One eternity later. Have an awesome weekend. Hopefully it calms down for you guys a little bit, Ash. Find out normally would, but we can't keep up with you guys. Once I finally made it to the Grand Canyon zone, make out point all by myself, just like in middle school, high school, the senior trip, prom and college. I soon remembered that I'm out of shape and I wouldn't actually be able to get down the trail to the point that I was trying to get to. But the light was very inspiring, and I went for a walk anyway with the gold and the minolta, especially because the trail had a Moscow mule open bar at the end of it, at least based on my own interpretation of the sign. After placing my expensive video camera precariously on the edge of a cliff so that I got the angle of me squatting down to take a huge shot. I took some photos that weren't really anything special. Climbing back up to the trailhead start was where the real magic was. The light was starting to get pretty good, and there were a lot of people around to be my unwilling participants in my photographs like this girl. This photo is incredible. Definitely a portfolio shot, and I knew it as soon as I popped it open in Lightroom. The lighting, the colors and the sense of mood gained from the image are incredible. Don't get me started on those brown tones either. It just takes all the boxes on my portfolio checklist. Anyway, she caught me taking her photo and then beat the shit out of me, so I just decided to head back. Honestly, the rest of the photos that day kind of pale in comparison to that last one. But you know what they say, comparison is the thief of joy. And I haven't felt joy since before I started shooting film. It really isn't enough for me to just take a photo of a beautiful view. If that were the case, the Grand Canyon would be the perfect vista and I'd be flying through roles here. A scenic view doesn't make an impactful photograph most of the time, at least to me. There are definitely exceptions. Ansel Adams seems to have figured it out. But I think for my work, I need some sort of subject. This shot really isn't anything great, but at least the subject here is this boulder centered in frame. And that's something. Anyway, photography philosophy over for now, as the hydrogen lamp in the sky began its short leave. Wendy's, uh, unfortunately was closed. It's like literally right next door. So I went to this place next door to Wendy's. It didn't really have, like, good reviews, but I gotta say, honestly, that was pretty f***ing delicious. I took one single photo here and honestly, I thought it would have turned out better. It's just kind of an informational overload of a photo. It's too busy. I do like the dark separation of the layers, which is all thanks to the miracle of infrared light, but otherwise, this is a photo I'll probably never show again. Anyway, I left that spot and rode with my e-brake on for like 15 feet in front of another motorcyclist, which was great for my ego. But eventually I left the park and accessed the wide open canyon desert roads ahead. Eventually I made it to Kayanta and managed to find another hotel with virtually no one staying at it. But before I could take a huge trauma dump from the desert heat and settle into the air-conditioned room, I realized Monument Valley was gonna close the entry gate in about 45 minutes. So I did what I was advised against and hit the turbo on Ole Rusty, like that one scene from the famous documentary Men in Black. Anyway, after totally pretending like I wouldn't get stuck out there because I'm built different, I arrived at scenic Monument Valley where the lighting was good, but not yet perfect. I popped off some infrared shots and the occasional shots on gold that are fine. This shot has colors that look like butthole, but the concept was really good. I think if I turned off the flash, it would have worked a lot better. Ultimately I decided to be in my best interest to wait it out for a couple hours until sunset, which with the miracle of editing can happen almost instantaneously. This shot is good. The colors are nice and warm and I love the reflection of this guy to kind of add another layer to the image. I fired off some more shots with flash inside the visitor building, but I'm not a fan. I just can't seem to get the point and shoot flash look down. Looking back, I should have turned the flash off and just let everything be a little silhouetted. The underexposed shadow fall-off look on film is actually kind of growing on me, like an STD. Shadows totally dominate. Painting. I thought it was a picture of like, like COVID. I was like, what the f***? Why would they? It's just a picture of a flower. The only place in this town that isn't a McDonald's that has food is like a gas station. And it closed at 9 and I got there at 9.08. So I'm just going to starve tonight. Maybe I'll go to McDonald's tomorrow for breakfast. Monument value is really cool and I pretty much just camped out there until the sunset light started getting dramatic. I didn't really have much to do, but this guy, Marcus, came up to me. Marcus, if you're watching, thanks for being my buddy for like an hour or two. We got to chatting about Leica and so on and so forth. He had seen my videos. The Kodak Gold was finished. A good match for the desert, but for now I was on to other biomes. Of the 36 exposure roll of gold, I got 20 keepers and one portfolio shot. Monument where Utah, Nebraska, Colorado and Gotham City all unite at one corner. I was in the area and I always wanted to do that thing where I call someone while I'm standing in all four states. It's a classic joke that always kills. So I called Monica and told her to guess where I was to which she replied and I'm paraphrasing. I can see your location, you fucking dumbass. I know you're trying to be funny, but it isn't cute. Made it into Colorado and the scenery was already starting to get a little greener as I began to head up into the mountains towards Ure. Somewhere along the way I stopped at this. I don't know what it was. I guess it was probably a mine that was definitely leaking some sort of shit into the lake. I could definitely relate. After all, I had McDankies for breakfast and my time to leak was vastly approaching as well. But before I blew a McGrittle sized hole in my pants, I had nothing in my milota which needed to change. Now being in green and lush Colorado, I figured it was time for a Fuji stock that handles the color green quite elegantly. So I opted for Superior 200, the OG formula, not the Kodak gold Fuji 200 bulls***. Somebody sent me an entire bag of original formula Fuji Superior, which like original formula for Loco is quite hard to find nowadays to my understanding. Thank you. You know who you are. Or maybe you don't. I mean, do any of us really know who we are? I shot the mine on a myriad of different stocks here for comparison which is a convenient excuse for me when I'm being indecisive. So I did infrared, color infrared and then regular old basic ass color. Which one looks the best? Tough call. But yeah, probably the superior. Riding through the mountains was absolutely breathtaking. Scenic vistas everywhere. Too bad I forgot to enable the front-facing camera so you just get to look at my sweaty and clenched ass instead. What's the best way to shoot this? Anyways, this jeep pulled up to steal my totally original never-before-seen shot. I rode away in fear that it might be someone more talented than me. Eventually, I made it to Ure, a tiny little town in the mountains that some of our film photography elite beautifully shot earlier this year. And yeah, I don't know what these guys were up to, but damn did I want to get a beer with them. Hotel room is pretty dope. It smells really good in here. Well, not anymore after, never mind. I'm gonna go get beer and food and kind of walk around town a little bit. Probably bring the point and shoot. Yeah. There isn't really sunset light in Ure. I mean, technically there is, but it's all on the mountaintops because the town kind of sits in this valley. So shooting was kind of fun. But speaking of busting, I called Caleb that evening because I had the story of a lifetime ready to go. At first I thought it was a rock. This thing splattered. It was huge. I don't know how big this bug was. It had to be a goddamn bird or something. But then I looked at it closer and I was like, wait, this isn't a bug. This is bird sh** and somehow it landed on my knee while I was going 60 miles an hour. The next morning it was time to get going early. And I figured just about everyone was ready to go to the 7.30 a.m. wake-up. Today was the day I'd be cruising the million dollar highway, a famous road up in the mountains known for how boring it is. But first I stopped at a scenic overlook of Ure to eat my gourmet hotel breakfast. But that wouldn't hold me over as I soon whipped out my infrared film of both varieties and power squatted to assert my dominance. Look at the lighting on that thing. It's killer. Bike doesn't fall over. While I was having maybe the best day over and decided to put in some effort for my photography along the edge of a cliff next to a highway. And honestly I thought this shot was going to be it. You know what I'm talking about. The one. The one that defines a career. The one that everyone has hung up in their homes. The one that dethrones the toilet shot. But it wasn't. It was out of focus as we already covered and overall the composition wasn't really sitting right with me. Let that be a lesson to everyone out there that actually puts an effort to anything. It's never worth it. Sadly. That was it for the Rolly Infred. So now it's safe and you can stop squinting because the next role will actually be in focus. Of the 36 exposure Rolly Infred I got a lot of shots for sure. None of them were really keepers and none were portfolio shots because technically they're all f**ked up looking. I got a hot pocket that exploded in the microwave. One thing that you think is going to happen a lot when you buy a motorcycle is that you'll have a lot more streets and you'll have a lot more people. I think the quest in New Mexico was great to ride through very scenic just about up until Albuquerque. But it was a long ride regardless and I was definitely excited to see some familiar faces. My buddy Brendan who you might remember from last year's thing or the thing before that or the thing before that just bought his first house and moved in with his brother Tim like a month or so before I got there. We'll put it in the back later unless you want to put it What about the bike? Yeah baby. After waking up totally sober and ready to do some charity work or something because I definitely felt like a million dollars we started to pack up our bikes for the road ahead. That's right I'd be joining Brendan and Tim for my first ever threesome and Brendan was busy getting his arms ready. Eventually we decided to take heed of the words that Taco Bell's been preaching all these years and live moss so we headed north from there toward the Colorado border making only a few crucial gas stops out amongst the crosswind with riders of the storm drumming along in our heads amongst the rain and yes even lightning so fast that my camera shutter didn't pick it up we eventually made it to the one and only Las Vegas New Mexico are you guys milkshake shamy thing after something like 280 miles we eventually made it to Rat Town or whatever it's called a smallish town on the border and the air smells so good oh yeah if you guys catch some whips of it pretty much the whole future Inside the hotel room things maintained relatively straight forward between all of us polite and well mannered young citizens let's see what we got here at least until we saw the haunted painting that would be watching us sleep that evening look at these two both missing souls eyebrows with nothing left to live for I mean with some more black and white luckily I had some Ilford fp4 with me that was given to me by my friend and former lover beeley a local legend it was expired like our relationship but not by much so I rated it at 100 ISO just to be safe somehow throughout my illustrious career I've never shot fp4 so I was definitely kind of excited to see what all the hype was about as it definitely seems to be sort of a cult favorite in the community I was also excited ordering excursion yeah who would do that psychopath you know what man we gotta just fight so this shot is I mean it's good right very moody and the flash did fire might be one of the best so far I love the detail of the lamp inside today's just been one of those days you know until it's too late what are you doing with all that lotion in there how's it looking captain the next day was the concert and the day when I met Tim the guy whose bike broke down outside of Minneapolis which I'm sure that he loves every time we bring that up before all the partying we would do we had many miles to cover first so we woke up early and hit the road after some complimentary breakfast fools grow the church bells ring I took a little walk just to see the ship's coming in eventually we made it to Denver and I split off from Tim and Brendan while they went to there I couldn't think of anything better to do so I got a tattoo of the very wise and powerful philosophy that I had heard earlier in the journey that like a demon I just couldn't shake from my head afterwards it was time to reunite with everyone including Tim who had just traveled long and far from Minneapolis with his original bike we literally just pulled up I saw you guys get off the highway did you I was like f**k I'm at a red light you guys stuck in that rain? no no yeah we got rained on oh really? you got a cute little gas man that's the shot right there anyway Tim was back on his bulls**t already so we decided to get drunk in the room as it was looking more and more like the concert tonight might get rained out after striking that perfect balance of blacked out and nothing else we headed down to Red Rocks for some cardio that we didn't know we'd be getting after we all threw up in the stairwell Huron took the stage and it was a magical time had by all from what I don't remember the sun roams up right above the highway holding the sky away it's like the day that you young the next morning we awoke to find someone, not us had trashed our hotel room Rockstar style believe it or not today was the day we were heading back west so we set our sights on a familiar place at least to me Euray which would be a long day for sure but riding in a group before it definitely makes it go quicker I'm still stuck with these douches at the gas station I picked up some thicker gloves because my hands were freezing their balls off which ended up being a solid investment because we were going up higher into the mountains during a light snow storm which was admittedly not the best conditions for riding a motorcycle the front view here of my GoPro is basically just about as much as I could see out of my helmet at any given time seeing as how I just got my motorcycle license last year and I've now dealt with 110 plus degree heat a hurricane and now snow I can't imagine what else I could possibly run into going forward I mean I guess God's ill is always a possibility yo that was some crazy man visibility was pretty low that being said the photography gods decided to bless us all with a cool little moment of some grass fed motorcycles crossing into view I like these shots they're pretty moody overall and capture what I feel like a very American spirit speaking of America we eventually came across some more construction as they were rebuilding some mountain roads this was about as far as Tim and Brendan were going to go as they had to make their way back to Albedo Crackey so the other Tim and I were back at it again with each other as we'd slowly make our way to LA over the next couple of days after settling into the hotel and Tim already making me uncomfortable we planned for the rest of the trip ahead the next morning it was time to head into Utah million dollar highway was right there and we couldn't let it go without one last sample it was beautiful and in focus this time anyway with lightning looming out in the distance we trekked forward through Utah hopping from one gas station to another and shooting some superior that I didn't really think turned out that good speaking of gas there is a notorious 100 or so mile stretch in Utah where there is none of it and we didn't really realize it until after the fact Tim was fine and still is fine if you catch my drift but his bike was good too for the mileage mine was cutting it pretty close so I had to use the spare fuel canister which luckily I had already filled up but nonetheless it was an absolutely breathtaking ride through some insanely wild looking geography which I failed in school which isn't really that important I guess for now just take a look at these butts eventually we made it through and wheeled into the first gas station we could find I had probably like 5 to 10 more miles in my tank because ol Rusty is a big ol thirst trap right? thirst trap is anyway we checked into our hotel and Tim was already almost naked again after falling asleep staring at each other the next morning we set our sights on Vegas which would mean crossing the desert and dealing with the heat once again but knowing we'd end up in the sleaziest city on earth it was a quick ride this feels shorter though I think we're going like a hundred bro eventually we made it to Vegas for the next two nights and sadly if you kind of think about it it kind of felt like home away from home say bitch I love you that night after eating White Castle something long dormant awoken me diarrhea and a will to finish off the superior in the minolta these shots are fine the colors on them are popping for sure but I think I could have done them better to be honest this one is probably the best the next morning the sun was peeking through the hotel window and I shot this which is really good slightly motion blurry if you look up close because fp4 is 125 ISO hotel room but I still really like it despite the fact that Tim bundled the pills together to loosely resemble a woman and was making out with them all night which believe me it was hard to sleep through while I didn't get any footage of it that evening we did head out to shoot some more stills out there but this time on black and white where we came across another film photographer my favorite part of this image you ask is perfect framing by Tim anyway all hangovers and stickiness must come to an end and it was time to leave Vegas doing an imitation of a man who's feeling good I can talk a lot like someone who's not misunderstood as a drunk in every graveyard as a ghost in every bar I'm definitely gonna get back on the bike soon and see more of what's out there I'm itching to do it or just itching in general I don't know I was just in Vegas looking back at all this footage threw me into an emotional whirlwind it was so beautiful out there and I miss it it got me yearning for the next one which by the time you see this will be in about two weeks but let's not jump ahead in a couple weeks I'll also be going to Fotopia in Hamburg, Germany so if that's something you're interested in doing with me then the link is in the description but before we wrap up the video for good and we never speak of any of this ever again I'd like to thank today's sponsor the Dark Room if you've ever wondered who develops the film for all my videos then look no further than the Dark Room a professional lab trusted by many big names in the film photography industry to deliver clean design results for any variety of film stocks if you've ever been concerned about getting your film developed not only easily but done the right way by a team that houses decades of industry experience then the Dark Room is the lab for you with a team of professionals using dip and dunk processors paired with the high quality Nuritsu film scanners that algorithmically deliver the film look you can count on them to get the job done and the colors you want to see out of your work don't have time to run down to the nearest lab and wait in line with the Dark Room you just fill out an online form write your order number down drop your roles in the free mailer in your nearest mailbox the rest is taken care of from that point on all you have to do is wait for your scans to come in or your negatives to be returned to you I personally love how easy it is to track my shipment from start to finish and getting the email that my order is uploaded and ready to be viewed makes any day a lot better and that's why I've been using the Dark Room for four or five years now if you have an order of film ready to go head over to thedarkroom.com to get started or simply download the Dark Room app today anyway the photos were great and the overall trip was definitely worth it for the amount of ass that was grinded off my ass cheeks on the bike that long these shots are my favorite but I really think the superior was a standout performer here especially the green stuff in Colorado if I were to change one thing about the trip obviously it would be getting my act together when it came to shooting the infrared stuff I mean a lot of these would have turned out great if I wasn't being so naive but what's the point in dwelling in the past overall the rolly infrared strategy it kind of worked but it also kind of cursed me I now understand what Oppenheimer was going through when he developed the atom bomb what DJ Khaled was going through