 I'll go down and bust on old Hoot Thomas. And that's that weird O'Neill check. Yeah, we ought to burn that check down on the ground. I feel that miserable bastard out of town. Well, come on, Jerry. Why don't you leave the poor guy alone? Look, the guy ain't nothing but a kid. Besides, he's good for a lot of laughs. Come on, Buzz. How about it, Ruth? No thanks. He's not my idea of fun. Oh, he's harmless. He's sick. Spooky sick. I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe tonight. No way, Jerry. After the last time, I'll do my babysitting alone. Forget it. This guy's going to be around. Now listen, let me do all talk. I got you. Who are you? Get your hands up and come out here where I can see you. You're a game you scare. Hey, who's your partner? Well, this is Jerry. What are you doing? Go feeding this little bird. I rescued him. Someone that broke his wing. Poor little thing. I figured you wasn't really out to get me. How you been, Buzz? I've been OK, who? I ain't seen you in around a long time. You still working at your pa's garage? Weekends and nights, mostly. How come you don't come around no more? Oh, I tell you why I'm hiding out now. You fellas swear to secrecy? Doing some undercover work for the FBI. The chief calls me and says, who? I got a job to do, and you're the only man can do it. The chief says, there's a bunch of gangsters riding around in a, what would he call it? Limousine? That wasn't him. The chief says, you get him, and you won't have to do no more undercover work. You'll be the chief. How'd you get him? I got him cleaned through with my 38 specials. Ain't that Roy Rogers' gun? Did I tell you fellas about when I was Roy's deputy? No, when was that? A few years ago, up in Buffalo, the Lone Ranger took me to see Roy along with Tuttle. Tuttle? Well, Tuttle was the best Indian scout in the West. The Lone Ranger says, Roy, this boy is the fastest gun around. There's a bunch of what do you call them after him? Roy, you make this boy your deputy. He's the best Indian scout around. I thought you said Tuttle was. Tuttle? Tuttle wasn't even around. We better get going. You fellas with the police department? No, Hoot. We're, we better get going, Jerry. Take care, partner. Well, honey, come on now. You eat. The cat's really freaked out, you know. Yeah, he would have kept us here for a couple of hours. He gets it from all those old movies he saw years ago, I guess. Crazy as a hoot owl. Yeah, but he wouldn't hurt nobody. Wonder how he got like that. What's it matter? No, seriously, I wonder what happened to him. Who the hell cares? Look, some people are just born that way, you know? I know. You don't know Buzz. Otherwise, you'd leave him alone. May? Yeah? What made him crazy? Not that it makes much difference. I was just curious. You don't know? No. Hoot has syphilis. Syphilis? Yeah, honey, you know what syphilis is? Are you kidding? Well, I guess it got to his brain, huh? Well, such things as happen. Was that old nut worth anything before he got syphed? Don't be mean, Buzz. He ain't done nothing to you. Well, he sure don't keep the community beautiful. Oh, I suppose you do. I remember Hoot from years back. I was just starting school, and he graduated from high school. We didn't call him Hoot then. We called him Art. Art Thomas, that was his real name. Folks didn't start calling him Hoot until he was a lot older, you know? Bad blood had softened his brain. Remember my dad, he thought that Hoot was just about the best carpenter for 50 miles around. You don't know the houses he's built here about. Some of them on DL Ridge was built by Hoot. And you know that short street that comes off of Route 2, Moreland Street, I guess? Hoot hired a couple of helpers and a mason. And he built five, six houses on that street. The Presbyterian Parcinage was one of them. They was built sturdy and beautiful. Not like that ugly plywood junk they're putting up now. Yeah, Hoot was a real good worker. Did he ever get married? Gosh, Buzz, you writing a book about him? Yeah, he was married. I've forgotten his wife. It's been so long. He was married two years, maybe three of the most. Well, I guess she gave it to him, huh? Look, baby, how should I know? Those things happen sometimes. Hiya, May. How's my sweet wife? Hi, honey. Brought your book matches. I've forgotten the last delivery, baby. Thanks. Buzz, how's it going? Pretty good. Coffee, honey? No, thanks, not today, baby. How's your dad, Buzz? I haven't seen him since your mother's funeral. No. He's making it pretty good. He'll tell him I'll be over the garage to see him soon. Geez, it must be rough on your dad without Jeannie. Are you fellas trying to keep house? Oh, not too much. Right now, my aunt Helen's staying with us for a while. Yeah, I guess it's rough on you, too. Well, I'm making it. We're OK. It's a good thing Buzz has grown up. It ain't easy for one parent to be both a mother and father. Yeah, you sure know how it is, don't you, May, huh? Hey, May, why don't you close this joint early and you mistip, Allen? Now, I could call my wife and tell her we have an all-night run tonight. And I wasn't exactly lying, either, would I, baby? Now, what do you say? You know, honey, I'd love to, but I booked up solid for the next two weeks. Anyway, I find you seeing your citizens a little short on romance. Hey, hold on. Now, you watch it, May. A man don't go for being put off that way. Oh, come off it, Arnie. Insult is about the only thing most men around here are good for, and you know it. Oh, you talk like an expert. I ain't no more an expert on men than most men is on women. Is she kidding? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I gotta agree this is pushing back together. You know, Arnie, I hear a lot around here, especially at breakfast time when the local heroes are on their way to work. Men, strutting like band and roosters, bragging about what big men they are. You know something, Arnie? Some of them is so tight they try to reverse the charges on obscene phone calls. Yeah, and you and most of the other females around here would be glad to pay for the tolls. Now, come on, admit it. I admit it. You're probably right. Obscene phone calls is about the biggest thrill some of the girls around here has had in 20 years of marriage. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, hey, May, is that your son, Billy? That's him, Arnie. How's he doing? Real good. Did you know him and Patty had a beautiful baby girl last month? Oh, no, I had it scraped. Hey, gee, May, that makes you the only unmarried grandmother in town, don't it? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That ain't nice, Arnold. Well, I owe you that one, sweetheart. Hey, listen, May, I got to run. I got to see my boss about tomorrow. And you, too, Buzz. Now, you'll be good. Now, if you ain't good, be careful. And don't forget to say hello to your dad, huh? I will. So long. You want to refill, Buzz? It's on the house. Yeah, May, thanks a lot. That's the trouble with this town. People's tongues get as long as their memories, and that's mighty long. Well, I don't have anything to apologize for them. I brought up a son to be a real man. How's your father, Buzz? He's OK, I guess. But he gets real quiet sometimes. Now, the garage is doing good, and he's still the best mechanic or aunt. Your dad's a real good man, Buzz. Tell him to come around once in a while. I haven't seen him in ages. Well, speaking of my old man, I better get down to the garage. I guess we better leave Hoot Thomas alone. That's a real good idea, honey. Did he ever have any kids? I thought you said he was going to leave him alone. Yeah, he had a daughter. Real sickly, I don't even know if she's still living. And what was? Now, baby, why all the questions about a poor old invalid who's been dying for years? Why are these questions about him? I was out to his place today. I just got to wondering about him. What was you doing out there? You're a little old for cowboys and Indian son. He used to have him do some work around here, didn't he? Wild back. He's bad off now, though. Can't use him too good. I asked him to come in to do a little sweep in the washer car. Well, an hour later, he's forgot all about it. I was wondering something. Yeah? How did he get syphilis? How did he get syphilis? Thomas. Well, how the hell do I know? How does anybody get syphilis? Look, Buzz, how are you doing in your training? Pretty good. I just wish I'd done better in math and high school. Ah, you'll pick it up now that you need it. About who? He probably got sick of good many years ago. I doubt if he didn't remember now. Maybe this is a silly question for a guy your age. But you do know how a fella gets syphilis, don't you? Oh, no. How old do you think I am, Dad? Yes, I told you all about it in school, huh? Oh, come on, Dad. Yeah, they told us about it in high school. Hell, you get it in magazines and on TV. You hear about it all the time. Only a stupid jerk wouldn't know about it. Well, there must be plenty of stupid jerks around then, from what I hear about all the V.D. going around today. Still, I guess there was a lot around when I was your age. I didn't give the subject much thought till I got in the Army. They hit us with talks and color movies like you wouldn't believe. They scared some guys into giving up sex altogether. That wouldn't work. Well, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. At least it gave a guy an idea of the chances he took when he went out looking for it. Yeah, but people know they can cure it easy now. They could cure it then. They had penicillin by the time I was your age. I still don't think you can scare people out of getting V.D. Probably not, but they sure tried. Who tried? Well, first the doctor would show you them beautiful color movies of what syphilis and clapped could do to you. And pictures of old men wasted away, like who? Then the company commander, he'd come on with all about what to do to keep from getting V.D. if you went out and got laid. Then on came the chaplain with his 100% sure fire prevention. What was that? Oh, things like you won't die without sex, but you sure can get messed up without sense. That kind of thing. Maybe it wasn't so realistic, but I guess the only way to be 100% immune is to lay off altogether. Man, that ain't easy. It ain't easy, but it ain't impossible. I still remember a kind of corny line from one of them sex lectures after all the easy years. It's easy to think that being in heats the same thing as being in love. That line wouldn't go too far nowadays. Well, Buzz, you'd know more about that than I would. It's been some years since I had to worry about getting them mixed up. But you know, I bet it's still pretty easy for a guy to fool himself. You know, he gets to screwing around and he starts believing he feels a certain way about a girl, which maybe he don't honestly feel at all. Could be. I don't know. It's one good thing about marriage. You've both got time to straighten them feelings out in your head. Well, that's enough out of the old man for tonight. Let's close up and go out and get us some chow. Your Aunt Helen's over to snide us for supper, so it's eating out for you and me. The world's worst coffee maker after all. At least not anymore. Nobody could cook like your mother, Buzz. She never did care much for these diners. She always used to say, hey, you know something? We're making it, boy. We'll get the hang of running out of house yet. No sweat, Dad. I know we will. I'm sure glad Ellen's here. She always was my favorite sister. You be good to her, boy. She's family just like your mother. This town has a lot of secrets, don't it? What do you mean? I was down to May's cafe before. Ernie Kratzer come in. Him? Hell, there's no secrets with that guy around. Who's given a hard time to May kind of? Oh, don't worry about May. She can take care of herself, even with a horny character like Ernie Kratzer. Yeah, I guess old May's been around. She's OK. Yeah, well, May Spangler's a little rich for your blood, son. She's more my type. Your type? You thinking of Mary and May? I'm not marrying her exactly. I ain't thought about May Spangler for a long time. I haven't seen her in months. Oh, yeah. May says hello, and she ain't seen you for quite a while. I like May and all, but I just can't quite picture you and her. Wealthy widow woman like May? I bet she could do with some company every now and then. Pa, she's not wealthy, and she's not a widow, and you know it. I can't picture you and her for nothing. Well, I can't picture it either. I got my hands full keeping the garage going good. I'm keeping you and your training. I need a complication like that, about as much as I need a drunk mechanic in the garage. Meanwhile, you stick to your training. I promise to see you through it. Oh, they're already down at the corner. How'd your babysitting go last night? Good. Jerry, come up? No thing, Kevin. Oh, he's not bad. You can have him. Damn, Jerry thinks of one thing, get a girl into bed. Oh, Buzz, who am I could go for? He's more like a friend most of the time. He's nice, I guess. He's got a nice build, too. Gonna have to leave this heap here till I get out of work tonight. Well, looks like we're taking the bus today. Hey, do you guys go out and see that old man yesterday? Yeah, but he flushed us out with his pistol. Who? Was it a real gun? Yeah, that catch dangerous, you know. I'll come off it, Jerry. He can't help the way he is. Look, he didn't get that way from a bad cold, you know. What's that supposed to mean? Look, he asked for it a long time ago and he got it himself. As my father always says, five minutes of pleasure for a lifetime of regret. What are you guys talking about? Oh, they get their kicks out of tormenting that funny creature with syphilis. Look, the truth is, who must have, uh, well, he must have balled the wrong chick when he was young and he got burnt. How's the guy to know anyway? They all look the same on the outside. Oh, shut up, Jerry. How'd you like the same thing to happen to you? Well, if you gave me half a chance, I'd take it. So would you. Maybe. I still don't know what you two are talking about. I think you do. Anyhow, Hoot Thomas' problems ain't yours. Hey, Buzz, you're really taking interest in old Hoot's problems, aren't you? Yeah. In a way, I guess I feel kind of sorry for him. I've forgotten my algebra. Too late now. Here's the bus. I can't go without those papers. Um, I'll get my mom to take me in the car if she's still home. That woman, talk about forgetting stuff. Yeah, softening of the brain, just like Hoot. Sphilitic Ruth never happened. Well, uh, there is one way to find out. Yeah, the hard way. You know, though, Ruth ain't bad. I wonder if she'll get it, Buzz. First guy that gets into bed with that woman, they'll be ready to marry her. Hey, baby, you need a ride to school? Hey, you're going to be late. Come on, come on. I'll take you right to the school door. No thanks. I'll walk. Hey, you weren't afraid of me, kid. Ask anyone. You're going to have to be scared of. You heard me get lost, you creep. Hey, come on. Oh, come on. Hey, I'll bet you can't spear it. Look, you leave her go, mister. I ain't kidding. Damn you, you lunio. Go. What the hell are you hiding here for? Mister, you don't swear at me or nobody else. I know what you were doing. You just hiding there waiting for some perky little chick to come swingin' a tail along, wascha, wascha. You want to know what I'm doing, huh? Well, I'll tell you. I'm patrolling this street. Yes, sir. And I'll let you go this time. But you better quit coming around here trying to hurt people and things. You know something. You ought to be in a nut house. You got no business running loose, scaring, respectable citizens without toy gun. Get the hell away from my truck, you stupid zombie.