 RCA Victor, world leader in radio first and recorded music and first in television presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen his music and yours truly Bill Foreman. June is the month for weddings, love is in the air and today Phil is called upon to play Cupid, in reverse. More about that later. First a word from RCA Victor. You may think you keep a close check on your money, but do you know how much you have in your pocket right now? Don't look, take a guess. Now go ahead and check. How far off were you, 25 or 30 cents? Well, for as little as that every day you can buy the finest television there is. RCA Victor, you'd never miss the money. 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Last night, Elliot Lewis's friend Grogan got Elliot a blind date. The date turned out to be Grogan's sister. It must have been quite an evening because as we look in, we find Grogan trying to soothe his sobbing sister. Oh, please, sis, don't cry. Oh, Rosie, stop crying. Well, I can't stand to see my baby sister in tears. Will you, will you please stop crying? Quit your boiling or I'll belt you one. Quit your wine. That's better. Now, Rosie, tell me, what is bothering you? Radney, I got a beef. I had trouble with that Elliot. Ooh, what a tiny Jimmy. Wait a minute, did he get fresh with you? Did he put his arm around you? Did he try to kiss you? What happened? Tell me what happened? Nothing, that's my beef. Well, Radney, I like this guy you introduced me to, but he ignored me. What's wrong with me? Am I attractive? Of course you're attractive and there ain't nothing wrong with you. You're just like any other woman. Yeah, honestly, I think so. Well, you're close enough so they can't tell a difference. Well, sis, don't jump to conclusions. How do you know that Elliot ain't nuts about you? I got a ceiling. Last night when I was out with him, Southern kept telling me he didn't like me. What kept telling you? He did. Before the end of the evening, I got the feeling he was trying to get rid of me. What made you think that? Well, he took me to a cocktail bar and slipped me a Mickey. He'd give my innocent little kid's sister a Mickey? But what happened to you, Rosie? I liked it. I enjoyed it three more. It's an amusing little drink. Now, Rodney, this Elliot guy is very nice. Just a minute there. How many times have I told you that when you are talking to me, put your lower plate in? I don't like it. What do you mean you don't like it? I went to a lot of trouble to get you them teeth. I heisted them from the richest old lady in Pasadena. Put them in. All right, all right. I'll put them in. All right. Now then, sis, go ahead. Tell me more about Elliot. Well, we love to talk. See, I told you it's better without them. Look, look, sis, maybe you ought to forget this Elliot. All right. Can't forget him. He's my kind of guy. Well, then you shall have him. Now, how would you like to marry Elliot? No, I'd love to, but I don't think I can trust him. What do you mean? Well, when he took me home last night, he kissed me. So what is wrong with that? Well, any guy who kissed me would kiss anybody. That body, yeah. When he marries you, we ain't going to kiss nobody else. I will say to that. Now then, let's make preparations for the wedding. We want to do this high class, you know? So, the first thing you do is, uh, Rosie, you go over to his house and tell him he's going to get married. Badly, I just met the man last night. It ain't really like for me to chase him. Besides, he ain't home. How do you know? I've been over to his place at 7 o'clock this morning to ask for another date. I knocked on his door, but there was no answer. Maybe he didn't knock long enough. I knocked until 10 o'clock. And then my knuckles started bleeding, so I had to call him ever since, but there's still no answer. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I think I know whose house he might be at. I will go over and tell him he's going to get married. But suppose he says no. Who's going to ask him? But, Badly, it takes two to make a marriage. We got two, you and me. We both want it, and that's all we need. I'll go over and get Elliot, meet you down at City Hall, and in the meantime you get ready. Where is your wedding dress? I'm wearing it. That's a house coat you're wearing. It's reversible. On the other side, it's a veil. Elliot, pull yourself together, kid, and tell me what happened. Well, Curly, I had a horrible experience last night. Well, you must have. You've been here 10 minutes and you haven't stopped shaking. What were you drinking last night? Nothing. I didn't touch your drop all night. That is a horrible experience. You've got to write this shake. Oh, don't be a funny man. Well, why are you shaking, Elliot? You're more understanding. Last night I had a blind date. With what? I'm not sure yet. Who was your blind date? Grogan's sister. Curly, did you ever see his sister? No, I didn't know he had one. I've seen him around town with his brother, though. He's a short, fat guy with a bull neck and a crew haircut. That's his sister. He sounds like he's a charming creature. Yeah, she's awful. And to think I took her to dinner, then the theater, and then a nightclub. Ooh, what a waste of $3. I'm almost sorry I kissed her good night. Well, Elliot, if she was such a beast, why did you kiss the girl? When I spent $3 on a date, I'd kiss a camel. And this one came pretty close. I wish she'd stopped chasing me. Oh, what makes you think she's chasing you? She came over to my house at 7 o'clock this morning and started banging on the door, asking for another date. I have a sneaking suspicion this day wants to marry me. But what are you worrying about? Her brother, Grogan, that's what I'm worried about. Forget her. If you don't want to marry this girl, you don't have to. You'll keep your cut and pickin' mouth out of there. Elliot, I have come to tell you the good news. My sister has decided to accept your proposal of marriage. What proposal? I never proposed to her. A mere technicality. We'll talk about that when you get back from your honeymoon. Now, come on. Let's get going. My sister's waiting for you at the city hall. Yeah, wait a minute, Grogan. You can't rush me into marriage. Hold it, Grogan. You can't force him to marry your sister. I ain't forcing him. Actually, the marriage ceremony took place last night. This is just a civil ceremony to keep the state happy. What are you talking about? There was no ceremony last night. My, my, my, you have got a short memory. Do you remember takin' my sister out the dinner last night, ordering two steaks? Yeah. And when my sister said, Elliot, do you want me to pass the ketchup? What did you say? I said I do. That was the ceremony. Oh, it must have been a beautiful wedding. Sorry I wasn't there. Now, come on. Let's get down to the city hall. Elliot, marry your sister. Then how would you like to marry her? She'll take anything. Wait a minute. Your sister can't marry Phil? How about me? Well, no, she wants a man, but thanks anyway. Now, we'll leave it the way it was. After all, Elliot, you want to want to kiss my sister, so you are the one who should marry her. Oh, do you want to argue some more? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Go on good, then. Let's get going. Oh, well, wait a minute. I don't think you should go along, Grogan. Young lovers should be alone at such a tender moment in their lives. Yeah, you're right. All right, you go along. You meet my sister and marry her. Oh, sure, sure. Don't even think about it anymore. We'll be married. A word of advice. I am going to buy the paper later. And if your name ain't in tonight's wedding column, it'll be in Tamara's obituary column. You may not see it, but it'll be there. And on that happy note, I bid you adieu. He ain't kidding. I'm on a spot. I'm going to have to marry his sister. Well, marry her, marry her. Marriage isn't so terrible. Elliot, I think it's wonderful that you're going to get married. And as a personal favor, I'll sing it to your wedding. I can hardly wait. Oh, well, in that case, I'll do it right now. Comes along so unexpected, makes you feel so disconnected. Comes along alive. Comes along alive. Suddenly, brother, are you happy and excited? Comes along alive. Suddenly, every dream you've had becomes in my head. Comes along alive. Suddenly, every dream you've had becomes ignited. You just begin to live. Comes along alive. Comes along alive. Comes along alive. Suddenly, though you never sang, you're always singing. Comes along alive. Come along alive. Suddenly, chimes you never heard before keep ringing. Comes along alive. Come along alive. Suddenly, night and day, your heart is high and flinging. You laugh. You sing. You live. Comes along alive. Wow, you blew your freedom now. You sparkle and you bubble. See each blue bird double. Comes along a love suddenly petty things no longer seem to face you. Comes along a love suddenly everyone around you seems to praise you. Comes along a love suddenly you discover things that just amazed you. You just begin to live. Comes along a love. I don't care. You see each blue bird double. Comes along a love suddenly petty little things no longer face you. Comes along a love suddenly everyone around you seems to praise you. Comes along a love suddenly you discover things that just amazed you. You just begin to live. Comes along a love. Could you be so heartless? How can you stand there and sing while my little pink body is being thrown to the lion? Well, I'm not going to stand for it. I'm not going to be forced into this marriage. Well, how are you going to get out of a Grogan's very insistence? I'll go someplace where Grogan can't find me. That's it. I'll run away. You're going to run away just to keep him being married? Why? Because I know what marriage does to a man. He has no more freedom. His wife watches him like a hawk. He can't stay out with the boys all night. He can't stop at a bar for a drink when he feels like it. He can't even look at another girl. And if I run away, I'll be free to do all those things. That's why I'm leaving. If I get my hat, I'll go with you. Say one step toward that hat rack and you're a dead drummer. Hey, it's you and me, girlie. Well, Elliot, you're right about one thing. You shouldn't be forced into marriage. But running away isn't going to solve it. There's an easier way out. How? You can kill yourself. No, I don't think you should deprive Grogan of that pleasure. Will you stop it? How am I going to get out of this? It's too bad you're not already married. If you could show up at City Hall with a wife, then Grogan's sister wouldn't want you. How can I show up with a wife when I don't have a... Wait a minute. I've got the answer. Curly, can I borrow your wife for a couple of days? Crazy or something, you want me to loan you my wife? I'll give you collateral. I'll leave my gold Elk's tooth with you. See, that way you're not taking any chances. If I don't bring your wife back, you'll get to keep the tooth. What do you say, Curly? I don't think so. Don't sublet Alice very often. Hey, Alice, won't you please do this for me? All it'll take is about 15 minutes, and it'll get me out of a spot. Well, if it'll get you out of a spot, I guess I can do it. Alice, Alice, don't do it. Oh, but Phil, all I'm going to do is be his wife for 15 minutes. Now, what harm can it do? With him, you never can tell. If you're going to be his wife, I'm going to be there, too. But Curly, you'll spoil the whole thing. How am I going to explain you to Rose? Just tell her that I'm... that I'm Alice's brother. Oh, all right. Come along, wifey dear. These relatives of yours certainly get my hair. Well, there's a city hall right across the street, but I don't see no girl. Where's Grogan's sister? Rosie must be here someplace. You'll recognize her when you see her. She's short and squat. Oh, there she is, standing next to the fire hydrant. I don't want to be indelicate, Elliot, but witch is witch. Let's not be unkind to the girl. Her shape's not quite that bad. The one on the left is the fire hydrant. No, it must be Rosie. It's just moved. I imagine a lot of cars get tickets for parking in front of her. I can see somebody driving up. Bella, why don't you stop it? I don't think she's unattractive at all. I feel a little sorry for the girl, and I don't know if I should go through with it. No, Alice, you promised you can't back out. Look, just give me a minute with her, and as soon as you hear me say I'm married, you break in and tell her you're my wife. And laying on good, I don't want any doubt in her mind that we're husband and wife. All right, here I go. My cheating heart. It now can sleep. I'm gonna get rid of this little creep. Oh, hello, Rosie. Elliott, you showed up for the wedding. See, isn't it wonderful what love and my brothers can do to a man? Well, let's go in and get hitched. Well, wait a minute, Rosie. You sure you want to get married? Are you kidding? I dream of ovens blossoms so much I sleep with a smudge pocket for my bed. But, Rosie, you shouldn't rush into this. After all, you don't know anything about me. Why do I have to know anything about you? All I'm doing is marrying you. I'm not buying you a used car or something. So, Elliott, you'll be so happy together. But, Rosie... We'll have a little cottage in the country. And then after a year or two, we'll hear the sound of little feet running around the house. Well, as long as it's just feet and no babies, okay? My wife wouldn't object to that. You bet. My wife. That's what I've been trying to tell you. I'm married. Well, if it isn't Elliott, my husband. Oh, Elliott, my husband. How can you do this to me, your wife? I'm the woman you married 12 years ago and we've been living together ever since as husband and wife. Elliott, what are you trying to say? Oh, we're going to have trouble with this kid. Look, Miss, these two are married. Who are you all of a sudden? Fair question. I'm... What have you got in your mouth? Beer caps? Good morning, Dad. Who are you? I'm the brother of this woman who is the wife of this man which makes him her husband. Do you get it? No, but you're sweet. Look, Miss, I'm trying to tell you. Elliott can't marry you because he's already married. This is his wife. I understand. I understand. It's all right with me. You don't mind? Why should I when I got you, big boy? You got who all of a sudden? You, Curly, you're just my type. You'd make a wonderful husband. I'd make a wonderful wife. Look, hold it. Look, you're a nice kid, but I can't marry you. Why not? There's nothing to stop us. After all, I'm unattached. We'll get somebody else to put you together. Good job. Right, maybe you're a wonderful wife. I'm a good cook, and I can... Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. This has gone far enough, Rosie. You can't marry Phil. Why not? Because he's my husband. See, you married to everybody. You grab him faster than it's worth. You're mine, Blondie. Which one are you married to? All right, Elliot, you tell her. I said tell her. Rosie, I guess the time has come to tell you the truth. Alice only pretended to be married to both of us. She really isn't. She's just married to me. Elliot. Sir, would you mind stepping around the corner with me? Why, certainly. What's on your mind, Curly? Look, what are you trying to do? Now go back there and tell that dame that Alice is my wife. But she isn't. You loaned Alice to me for 15 minutes, and my time isn't up yet. Look, Curly, you've got to play along with me. As soon as she finds out I'm not married, I'm dead. Curly, I got the solution. Rosie thinks Alice is my wife, so all we've got to do is get you another wife. Oh, that's all I need, another wife. Curly, all I want to do is get you a new wife for an hour. I don't want to, but... Who you got in mind? Find your wife who's young and attractive? Hi, you fellow! Hi, kid. Here's the answer to our problem, Julius. This is a wife? I'd rather be married to Peter Laurie. No, no, no, no. You don't need a wife now. Julius is going to be your son. What do you drive on that? Don't you see, you go around the corner and talk to Rosie. Then Julius comes along and he says, hello, dad, mother is waiting at home for you. This not only implies you're married, but that you have a son, too. What do you think of the idea? I think it's good. I think it's great. I think it stinks. Julius, you wouldn't say that if you knew what we were talking about. My boy, I'm going to confer a great honor upon you. I'm going to become your father. You want to do that for a little me? All right, kid, control yourself. I can't. If you stop carrying on like that, I only want to do one thing, become your father. Stop me! But do as pretend you're his son. You see, there's a girl around the corner who thinks Mr. Harris is single and she wants to marry him. That's right. And if we don't convince this girl that I'm already married, she's going to marry me and I'll be in trouble. Oh, I wouldn't want you to be in trouble. What do you want me to do? Look, I'm going around the corner and talk to her. When you hear me say I have a son, you come in and say, well, if it isn't my dear old dad, and then say that mother wants me right away. Have you got it? Got it. I'll get rid of this day in no time. I'll just... Oh, hello, Rosie. It's a bad time you got back. Well, you've been getting a baby something. Well, I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Well, stop yapping and let's get hitched. Now, wait a minute, Rosie. There's a reason why I can't marry you. You see, I have a son. I said I have a son. I hate you. But he didn't. I say I have... Oh, here he comes now. Hello, son. This is why I can't marry you. You see, I have a wife, and she must be expecting me any moment now. Julius, you have a message for me from mother, don't you? Nope. We're self-togethered. Now, let's try it again. Julius, is your mother waiting at home for me? Yeah, she is. About what? She wants... The voice. Back in just a moment. Your mealtime problem, like that of most homemakers, is to come up with new menus for your family, to take the hum-drum routine out of three meals every day. An RCA estate gas or electric range will solve your problem. See how the new RCA estate coaxes exciting new flavors from familiar foods with new modern cooking methods. The hideaway griddle grills whole meals in minutes, grains off fats for better health and better flavor. The special radiant heat barbecue or meat oven gives meats real charcoal-done goodness. The exclusive balanced heat bake oven vanishes hot and cold spots and baking failures. Before you buy, see all the years ahead features of the RCA estate range. It's used by the noted authority on good eating, Duncan Hines, because it grills, bakes, barbecues, and does it all at the same time. Look up your RCA estate dealer in the yellow pages of your phone book. Let him show you these new RCA estate ranges, gas or electric. This is Phil again. Better public understanding of the fine abilities of trained and properly placed handicapped workers is essential to assure that those persons are placed in jobs where their abilities can be utilized. Employees are requested to take advantage of the skills available in the handicapped by calling the state vocational rehabilitation agencies. Thank you and good night. Good night everybody. Included in this program transcribed were Rosemary and Sheldon Leonard. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Phil. Yeah, honey. That calendar in the kitchen. Did you put it there as some kind of practical joke? What do you mean? All the months are the same. Everyone of them is May. Oh, oh, of course, honey, with the new RCA room air conditioner every month and the year is May. Haven't you noticed? The air is always cool and fresh and moisture-free, just like spring. Hot weather just doesn't bother to come around. It's spring all year round. You're right, Phil. I noticed Crocus is blooming in the living room. Crocus is nothing. Those are orchids. Orchids? Orchids to the new RCA room air conditioner. Next. Here are three of them. Next. Here a theater guild on the air. Over NBC.