 So today we're gonna talk about 10 harsh truths about men and commitment that women learn way Too late in life. In fact, I'm not sure many women learn what I'm about to share with you today Now the title is 10 harsh truths But really these are the 10 top things needed for a successful relationship And I'm going to explore this from the perspective of the average male Okay, the average male not those men that are what I call the grower builders grower builders are those Well, let's pull out the chart the grower builders are those men that that if you look at by the way This chart is not a fact. It's merely an opinion But those grower builders are those men that seek long-term commitment. They are emotionally grown up They have their act together. They have good relationship skills I'm actually talking about the balance of men who what I call users and spenders, okay Now why I bring this up is I think it's important to recognize that this is true for men and women alike a lot of human beings in the dating marketplace Are rather dysfunctional in the way that they approach Relationships the way they engage in relationships the way they engage in their own lives So what I'm going to do is give you some context to Maybe make some shifts in perspective. I'm gonna repeat that maybe you'll make some shifts in perspective of how you view men How you view commitment and how you view relationships? You see many of us in midlife And when I say midlife I say it's after baby making years and before retirement So the vast majority of my audience is between 42 and 69 Although I have people that are older and I have people are younger but that bulk demographic is Midlife and what makes midlife unique is that the vast majority of people in midlife are that are single out in the dating marketplace are divorced and Divorce comes with it a very unique set of circumstances that many of my contemporaries just can't really probably Individualize the way someone like I can because I've been through alimony child support visitation rights Did I say family court? A rectile dysfunction assisted parents and assisted living facilities women who are going through hormonal changes in their lives You know the physical ailments that as we age and with that also many of you know, I lost a child I went through a major catastrophe in my professional life And this isn't the same for many of my contemporaries who are younger while they've had their own challenges in life I think midlife comes with it a set of circumstances that can't be Rationalized unless you've lived it you see many of us grew up with the fantasy of the Brady Bunch Does anyone remember the baby Brady Bunch see Brady Bunch? Well, you had a widower in the case of Mike Brady and Carol Brady. We don't know what's the story with her We later find out she's divorced in the movie series But somehow they magically made their relationship work By the way, think about it for a second. The kids loved each other There wasn't any going back and forth with a divorced parent or anything like that Carol didn't have to work. She had a built-in nanny with Alice They made it seem like you can just magically merge lives together so easily and for those that grew up for those of us That grew up in the 60s 70s and even 80s watching this show We might have this perception that doesn't really correlate to what it actually feels like to what What it takes to make a relationship work You know, I'm gonna go off subject for just a second. I was watching Louis Howe's podcast and he had on Matthew Hussie most recently And I have a great deal of respect for Matthew Hussie. I think he's one of the best in the business I really do And certainly he speaks to a younger demographic and what I was thinking about is here's he's a young man 37 years old He just met the uh, or he just got married to a woman probably 10 years younger Their whole life is forged Into going to be making babies, right and starting a family most likely. I mean, I don't know what their game plan is Why I thought about this is See for us, it's a whole different ball game You know, we've got complex issues For those of us in midlife. It is radically complex. We have children with Psychological issues. We have children that were rather emotionally abused by parents that were Dysfunctional in the way they handled their divorces We have, you know con contentious relationships with spouses We have past relationships. Many people have had multiple relationships one after another after another in midlife And most humans at midlife do very little personal development self-help and spiritual work So I I look at Matthew and I'm so happy that he's on this journey and thankfully he did a ton of work Before he got married. He did a ton of personal development self-help and spiritual work Most of us were raised in the 60s and 70s. We did no personal development work in our 20s and 30s I was rather clueless when I got married. I just followed the blueprint that was taught to me by my parents And that's it blueprint was and tell me if you can relate to this Go to college get a job meet someone get married buy a house start a family. That was the blueprint Your sole role is to be the provider protector. That's all I knew about being a husband And I paid the bills and did everything the way I was supposed to I took charge But I had no clue on how to be a husband And so what I'm about to share with you in a moment is a reflection of the cluelessness Most men have at midlife and the thing is most men and women aren't educated on what I'm about to share these 10 Factors for a relationship success and the truths that come along with it when it comes to men and commitment Okay So the first one and this is what's needed for a successful relationship is mutual attraction and sexual compatibility Mutual attraction and sexual compatibility I I put that as first because we oftentimes hyper focus on chemistry The need for chemistry relationship success the harsh truth about men In midlife is we oftentimes date with younger eyes Men and women alike. Do you know there's so much age discrimination? For those of us in midlife the average man and woman wants to date people 10 15 years younger than themselves because they think that They are they matter of fact most everybody thinks they're 10 or 15 younger They look 10 or 15 years younger than their actual age every so many people operate from that I was going to say delusion, but I'll call it a fantasy Oh, everybody tells me I look 10 or 15 years younger Well, the reality is your age is your age and what happens is men and women alike This is a harsh truth that they want to date younger people because they date with younger eyes And yet we need mutual attraction We need that sexual chemistry to ignite the relationship otherwise It usually falls flat on its face And the fact the harsh truth is most people are good lovers I mean Ejaculating isn't a problem for a lot of women. I know a lot of men don't satisfy them in the bedroom So they feel they compromise in this area. This is a radical truth That I don't think is ever really overly discussed okay, so First mutual attraction and sexual chemistry second the need for play entertainment and variety that's needed in a relationship But you see this play entertainment and variety is expected in the early stages Because there's this belief that romance equals relationship success the harsh truth is romance doesn't equal relationship success It's actually camouflage In fact, I continually say romance should be reserved for those that are in a relationship not as an entry point Into a relationship and I know it feels good to be romanced But let's face it High chemistry and romance leads to bad judgment. That's the truth Leads to bad judgment We oftentimes compromise the more important things That i'm about to share with you in a moment because we hyper focus on attraction and romance Now one thing I see sadly missing in many relationships is a level of teamwork with one another And the harsh truth about teamwork is it's difficult to manage you remember the brady bunch they blended live so easily By the way, we all for those of us in midlife myself included we come to the table with baggage Of course, we don't look at our children as baggage But the reality is is that's part of the luggage that comes with the dynamic and by the way, some of that luggage comes with men who have Disfunctional relationships with their daughters where their daughters twist their daddy around their finger and they can sabotage Every relationship that woman can have or that or every relationship he might have and by the way Women and their sons happens too And so where a lot of couples fail is in the teamwork level of building a relationship because they don't actually Contemplate the concept of blending lives with another human being by the way Is this any of this resonating with you if it is please post a comment below? I'd like to hear all your thoughts By the way, if you want to learn how to vet For the most important qualities in a relationship. You see this link right here Jonathan asley.com forward slash coaching. There's a link below to get a To to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you My area of expertise is discernment and when you become more discerning On these critical factors. I'm just talking about right now Your intuition will start driving the bus for you in the future. So remember I said teamwork Okay The next number four Shared vision a shared vision of your future See many of us at midlife come to the table very set in our ways And women will oftentimes because they're agreeable accommodate a man's vision And number one most men are clueless on a vision for a significant relationship But more importantly it's usually their way or the highway You know very few couples do a relationship where it can be co-created with one another Co-created with one another. This is a harsh truth So i'm just drawing attention to these are the obstacles. These are the challenges that we have to be aware of If we want to form a healthy happy relationship with someone is this resonating if it is yes Please hit that like button Okay, many of you know who follow my channel know I talk about attachment theory love attachment theory Do not familiar with these two books Attached by amir levine and rachel heller I highly recommend reading these books. Most men are clueless to understanding attachment theory And given that many men are known as avoidance oftentimes dismissive avoidance or fearful avoidance And they usually attract women who are anxious this budding heads is a harsh truth towards men in commitment because They haven't really done the introspective work To heal the childhood wounds and adult traumas That cause for relationship dysfunction And sadly many of you women learn this too late because you have these beautiful hearts You're so genuinely agreeable that you'll accept so much junk behavior From men who haven't done the true work to show up as partners. I am guilty of this I was a bad husband In my 20s and 30s. That's not the right word. I was an unconscious human being in many ways. I wasn't a very conscious Husband I just focused on that one thing. I was told provide and protect provide and protect provide and protect provide and protect Provide and protect. I had no idea how to be a loving human being I was never taught this In fact, I was in the silo of so hyper focused on work That I neglected so many things in my life and no wonder I got you know, I was a divorce was asked And for her I believe it was a blessing and it was a blessing for me too So coming back to attachment You oftentimes wonder why a man might choose a woman that seems so different than you Because she triggered his attachment wound a lot better than you triggered his Anyways, we can go I want you to read these books to get some understanding on this. Okay number six number six The ability to resolve conflict without being right the ability to resolve conflicts men are rather clueless because most human beings men and women alike most human beings Are so focused that whenever there's a disconnect with another person. I'm right and you're wrong. I'm right. You're wrong I'm right. You're wrong. I'm right. You're wrong. I'm by the way women do it to men men do it to women The ability to resolve conflict is probably one of the primary reasons why so many relationships don't succeed If you haven't read the book Marriage ain't for punks by Calvin Robertson. He's on the tv show married at first sight. He's uh, I think he's a pastor Um, and he this book he talks about conflict resolution. I think he's an amazing individual I would go follow him right away. I'll just show it to you one more time Calvin Robertson marriage ain't for punks. Someone write that in the chat box, please marriage ain't for punks The ability to and by the way most men are clueless and you women are just as equally clueless. I am so Fed up with this belief that just because you have the capacity to vomit your emotions doesn't mean you're good At articulating and quite frankly you ladies I'll be candid with you. Many of you have duct tape over your mouth. You're afraid You're afraid I I'm gonna say this so the fact that you think you feel your feelings doesn't mean but many times you don't even Express your feelings to us. You're afraid because the minute you do he's gonna walk away and if you're not familiar with my book What the heck is self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work I invite you to read chapter one Speak your truth do it with kindness by the way a link below to get the books I recommend but chapter nine if it's sincere and from the heart You can't say the wrong thing to the right person I had a client of mine today asked for some help on crafting a text message And she says isn't that gonna hurt his feelings and i'm like no, it's the truth If his feelings are hurt It's because he can't accept the truth Folks your fear around speaking up is the reason why many of you are not in happy Relationships and being able to resolve conflict is something that both men and women need to work on together number seven Gratitude and appreciation I see so few couples actually In genuine gratitude and appreciation for one other the common denominator of every happy couple Is gratitude and appreciation they actually walk around feeling like they got the better end of the deal And so i'm here to say without gratitude and appreciation men are rather clueless And expressing and you know what I don't want to give men a pass Well, they're access service people if you're familiar with the work of the five love languages He shows his love through access service bullshit We have to be showing Gratitude and appreciation through our words. It is so fucking necessary and to say otherwise gifts or Gifts or access service Or physical touch. No we need I say we need it by words I think human beings need to hear the words I really appreciate you. I'm so grateful that you're in my life This book gives a pass to some degree and I'm calling it out number eight Number nine, excuse me. Oh wait one two three. I by the way my numbering series was off. Okay Um, no, I said no number eight. Excuse me A genuine desire to understand the other person and meet the other person's needs This is where men are scared. That's a harsh truth. They are so scared to actually But Jonathan men always want to be our heroes folks Having a guy open the the jam jar that's tight Yes, being your hero But very few men are clueless on how to be your hero when it comes to understanding your needs and meeting your needs Understanding your needs and meeting your needs. This is where so many harsh truth But yet when you are in relationship when two people Can understand their partner's needs and meet their needs That's a great chance for relationship success number nine trust And trust isn't just about fidelity trust is Do I look out for the other person's best interest? That's the best demonstration of trust And sometimes when a man ends a relationship that is actually looking out for the other person's best interest Believe it or not when a man ends a relationship that actually can be what's in your best interest and when a woman ends a relationship I genuinely believe that when Marie ended our relationship I think she was doing it for my best interest as well as her own best interest because if it's not right for one It's not right for both that is the that actually is a sign of love But many of you many of us feel so so hurt By someone else choosing to end it to lead and ending a relationship And i'm here to say that's the sometimes that's the most loving thing a person can do And it demonstrates trust because that means they have your best interest at heart and number 10 I call this individual sovereignty See we most relationships are transactional They're very codependent most relationships They lack a sense of individual sovereignty or one person is dependent upon the other and the other person is very selfish narcissistic Um, they only care about their own needs one of the harsh truths is that for a healthy relationship two sovereign beings need to come together And co-create it from an interdependent perspective and not a codependent perspective and many of you Are still operating from a very codependent way of working on a relationship because you haven't curated your own individual sovereignty It's one of the reasons why women give their power away to men so frequently And by the way men do the same thing too. This isn't even though it may seem like i'm bashing women I'm bashing men equally as much here because i'm bashing human beings in the sense. I'm just calling everybody out on their shit See the sad reality is because humans so desperately want companionship connection and sex And we've been so indoctrinated into believing that we only can have that through significant relationships That we oftentimes settle On less than what we desire because it's better to get something versus nothing I'm here to invite everyone do what do do what feels best for you If you want a partnership then hold space for a partnership If you're only capable of a casual relationship then it's okay to have a casual relationship It's okay to have a friends with benefits. Okay to have a hookup from time and time again Or at least i'm saying it's okay. You have to decide that for yourself Is any of this resonating with you? Please let me know if it is please hit that like button By the way, I want to hear your thoughts on this post a comment below I'd like to hear what you think about this video As always if you do find value in this, please hit that like button Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell So you can be notified of new videos and if you want to connect with me Check out the links below the schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you Check out my group. Um, check out my My instagram page check out my dating vows join my mailing list. Okay Ah All right Hey, it's time for q&a If you have a question write the word question in the chat box And then post the question there after or you can purchase a super sticker super chat All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son connor as like That's a picture of him right there with his brother collin He's my son who passed away a few years ago in his honor We donate to causes like the hockman process and insight institute just to name a few so And then if you want to join me on my hot seat, there's a link I just point or I'll just type in join the hot seat And you can be live with me right now And we can and we can answer your questions live and I promise to be tame. Okay So while we're waiting for questions Rebecca said It's about unconditional love accepting the good the bad ugly and knowing that supporting each other through thick and thin That brings peace together as this age all of that is hard to come by Yeah, human bare bonding is very complex human beings are dysfunctional So yes, that's true TS says I learned to take the duct tape off my mouth after escaping my marriage a a man I dated a while back took me Back took me expressing my different opinions personally and I got got very upset and angry It just meant there's a misalignment between the two of you All right. Well, we're oh here we go. Gigi's in the house Question in your opinion. Is it wrong to shave off a few years on your dating profile? It's the first thing I address on the phone call So it's kind of funny. I uh, there's a little bit of irony there So um about an hour before I was getting ready to shoot this live stream I got a message from a woman on a dating app That I was actually interested in so um and I I messaged her and um And she said hey listen. I want to be upfront with you. I didn't think you'd be interested in me I actually fudged on my dating profile by five years But I'm a public figure and I want you to know my actual age and I'm like this doesn't scare me away She's five years four years older than me. So it doesn't scare me away I think being upfront as soon as possible My most people most people at midlife fudge on their dating profiles any worse from two to 10 years on average So that's a very can that's very very very common now Many of you have a judgment as if that is lying. Well, let me just say this I have yet to meet the human being on this planet who has never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever lie Okay, and to me fudging on your dating profile is just to be seen in the algorithms for one I don't consider that indicative of lying and by the way, we tell white lies all the time I mean, I'm I'm so tired of that rhetoric If you have an issue with it Get over it because most everybody on dating apps fudges, but I don't fudge. I'm honest Okay, great. You are Bravo to you you get a dessert for free at cheesecake factory All right, anyway my two cents on that one um One of our facebook members. Oh, by the way, I have a group called midlife love mastery This is a group where you can have direct access to me. There's a link below To join the group. She says I love your podcast. Where do you get your information to do your podcast? you know a couple things so, um I I spend in I spend at least five hours day trying to Find the brass ring for successful relationships. This includes watching podcasts. This includes reading books And I and I I and I sometimes watch some of my contemporary stuff I mean I watch a lot of therapists. I watch a lot of variety of different things And then I come up with my own conclusions my own perceptions now sometimes I share the perceptions of others I do my best 97 of the time to give them credit when I've done that For example, this particular title I'd actually saw a similar title on one of my contemporaries as staphon speaks, but I didn't watch the video So I came up with my own it was actually I was working on the 10 things needed for a successful relationship And I thought I'd tweak it into this title So, uh, that's where I get my contact. Ashley. I'll get to you in a second. I see that you're on there So thank you for that All right. We have someone in the house Hi How's it going? Hey, I'm I'm doing this. Hey I Tony you I'm so grateful for you Oh I really really So what do you have for me, Ashley? Oh wait, it's ashley, right? Ashley No one shows it that way Okay. All right. So what do you got for me young lady? well It's not really a question because Can I ask a favor? Can you make sure that the camera isn't moving? I'm sorry, sir Okay, perfect. Well, well we lost you Well, she lost me we'll come back to her in a second Anika's in the house How do I handle starting and stopping in the dating process? Sometimes misalignment shows up later like eight date and it feels like a breakup any suggestions Yeah, you know that fucking sucks Uh, yeah, I swear it sucks that you go into it and you find out you're misaligned on the eight nine ten date God, it's it it sucks when you find out misalignment at sex By the way sex can be a misalignment. Um, how do you handle it? You know, I'm gonna say that dating triggers the number one emotional health Moon most everybody is feeling and that is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likeable Okay, dating can trigger all that stuff. So one of the things is learning to love yourself When you genuinely really feel good about yourself Nobody can take away your power. So even if you have a short lived experience and I told this story back Day after New Year's where I communicated with a woman. We had a six hour telephone call And I mean it really thought we hit it off and then she called me in the next day Say she doesn't want to explore related dating with me and I had eight six hours invested And I'm like I went we had a beginning. We had a middle and we had an end basically my point and bringing this up is I was really excited. I was really excited and then I was disappointed. Okay And I've had a couple where you've gone on a few dates with someone you get really excited and disappointed You know learning to regulate our emotions learning to To navigate our feelings Is the real inner work. It's the real inner work of self-love You know, I've done a number I share with everybody publicly I do psilocybin journeys to go deeper into my psyche to go into my childhood wounds to go into my ancestral wounds to Really cultivate and become a better understanding of who I am as a person as a human being All of the personal development work is so I can even if I fall down for a moment I can get back up quickly and that's what you're invited to do Do the inner work So the process is more if you if you we operate from a pragmatic perspective And the process without attachment Now that's difficult to do even eight dates. You can get rather attached for someone But just remember you've fallen down hundreds and hundreds of time before in your life And you'll fall down another hundred times more and when I use the term fall down We can feel disappointed and just know we can get back up. Okay, on a cup great question. Thank you so much Ashley's back in the house Hi That's better. Okay. What do you got for me? well, okay I'm sorry to do more of the inner work For myself like you have talked about the whole process and things like that To get better on myself you see I'm learning now that I have the inner side of wounds that I need to heal for Before actually going out there Okay, you know, and so now I'm trying to find out Why am I working on myself? Can you come a little closer to the microphone? Can you come a little closer to the microphone? Okay, say what you said again about yourself Okay, I'm working now on myself in the inner child as you said That is something that you should really do And I'm learning now about a lot of things and Then that I would go see the ones that I was Take care of That was myself And now that we're doing And my inner child work is it okay to go out there? and you know feel around I mean, I'm ready and want The rest of my The question is The question is while I'm working on myself. Is it okay to be out there dating and meeting people and that sort of thing That's really the question so So here's an interesting thing Um What is relationship readiness, right? What what is that? What is that? You know? Um, and that can mean different things for different people I think so long as you don't have a charge From a past relationship in other words so long as a past relationship Doesn't cause you a charge or negativity Okay, that's a good place to be ready for a relationship I think when we can actually learn to appreciate the for those of us heterosexuals that can appreciate the opposite sex Rather than judge the opposite sex for being bad. That's another place of relationship readiness So long as you have the ground underneath you as solid what I mean to say is you're not in financial disarray You're not in financial disarray. You're not in emotional disarray if the ground underneath you is relatively solid And I think that's then then I would say that's a good place to begin with as far as dating now. Okay Here's the thing We can only do so much inner work by ourselves. Okay, we can only do so much inner work but the reality is is The reality is is we may never find a mate Okay, we may not find a mate. That's a reality There are going to be more single people than married people Over the age of 40 in the next I think that's already an existing number And I think that's only going to increase my point for bringing up this Ashley is there's this belief that If I marriage means happiness That's bullshit in my mind They say My personal thing of marriage. It's a piece of paper in some ways because you've got to But we're going with this there's but but Ashley where I'm going with this is there's this belief That married people are happier. Well, I I've been married So so where I'm going with this is The individual work you're going to constantly be doing that for the rest of your life now. However When you're in relationship with another you can you'll be bouncing off your shit Okay, and that's an opportunity for deeper growth. There's no doubt about it But hap so where I'm going with this is that Like look at the the time I was in my most significant relationship I was still doing a lot of personal development self-help and spiritual work because my relationship triggered me and when I got triggered I At first it's kind of like walking down the street and you see a deep hole in the sidewalk This is portion I know the holes in my sidewalk. I would fall in them and I would get out quickly You know your question. Yes You can be dating provided that I think you don't have a charge from your past relationship You have your act together. You don't dislike the opposite sex for those heterosexual You don't have judgment toward them and I think that puts you in a good place to actually potentially meet a good partner in your life I have one other question here Sure You go to those places where you know, you take stuff and you do the meditation you do the whole Is there a good place to do it for childhood wounds? Okay, so so Well for childhood wounds first you have to a couple things, you know for for our firester childhood wound is recognized that Any wound that our parents in I'm going to use the word inflicted, but I don't mean that in a violent sense. I mean unintentionally inflicted upon us I'm gonna say most So the deeper the wound the deeper the wound the more work that needs to be done So I'm in a place. I don't absolve it's I don't blame my parents For I don't need them intentionally hurting hurting me But I I've learned from it as myself as a parent You know what Yeah, so so let me just train of thought. Let me finish this train of thought So I'm here to say that um I I think doing meditation is a great resource I think somatic therapy as someone write this in the chat box som So mat a t i c somatic therapy is is really great. I think uh emotional release work. I think psilocybin journeys can uncover a lot of stuff and Cestrial trauma work. Oh my gosh. I've been lately doing ancestral trauma Now I also want to say that I'm almost nine years sober Okay, so so and if okay, so for those that Don't use um They're not hiding from their pain through alcohol or drugs. That's a good place to be in I would say I would say take care of your physical health You know make your get you get in the best physical shape you can be in You know, um go to go to a makeover person and get a complete makeover And get get new clothing and all this stuff puts you just these are just a number of different things You can do to put you on the path of attracting Good for you you lost over 40 pounds good for you and listen We've got we've got a dog barking. So it's getting a little bit tough on us Ashley, thank you so much for being on okay No problem. Have a great night Thank you you too I want to give props to ashley for being brave enough to come on And sharing with us, you know, she brought up a lot a really good question And that is can we be? Can we be doing our work and still date as I said before? I think when we don't have a charge from our last relationship meaning It's you know, we don't harbor any negativity We don't feel like we can think of them in a space of gratitude And I know for many of you that might be difficult But even if you're grateful that they ended the relationship That's something to be proud of or to to honor. Okay. I think when we actually When we can appreciate the opposite sex for those of us who are heterosexuals And certainly when we're in a good place in our lives Those are all great places to be to be exploring a relationship with another human being So ashley big hugs to you of appreciation for jumping on If you agreed with what I said, please hit that like button I really appreciate everyone's thoughts on what I shared with ashley. So once again, ashley big hugs and thanks a much Power of cheese says keep up the good work ashley. I agree. I mentioned somatic therapy. Yes. I agree See if there's any questions Gigi says it's becomes important on the platforms if your actual age is a cutoff to the next bracket You can miss people a year or two younger vice versa. I don't go by age, but stage of life. Gotcha Um pump pump pump pump pump if you have a question write the word question then post the question thereafter Um, tracy says you should go live with staphon speaks. You were both my favorites Uh, it'd be interesting to do a video with him I'd love to do a video with him or matthew hussey or any of those guys Partially the reason why I want to go on these guys videos because they oftentimes are not thinking about from us midlife folks I I again, I have a great deal respect for them But for us in midlife It is such a different ball game that we are dealing with so many more complex things so many more complex things that it makes it Um, it'd be interesting to share my perspective with these guys and hear what they have to say I'd wonder if they could actually um Anyway, just some thoughts I have so thanks so much Power of cheese says Jonathan has a question. I recently learned that our dna holds over seven generations of trauma What do you think? okay By the way, someone put this in the chat box. There is a show on netflix called another self another self It's a turkish. So and i'm turkish. So I really appreciate it. You can listen to it in english It's all about generational trauma Yes, I do believe that we in our dna our dna is code. Okay. It's just like my son is learning coding I did a video on breaking the code. We all have coding passed on From our ancestors. Okay another self on netflix By the way, this is a 2022 2023 series. I think 2022 And it's turkish. Okay, so um Yeah, I think we have probably generations of trauma. I'll probably I'll try to get someone on here to talk about generational trauma um, so let me give an example Well, let me give an example of trauma that's one removed from the moment you were born So my mother um while she was carrying me in her womb She had multiple miscarriages before I was born And so my suspicion and I only speculate this because I I don't know this as 100 fact I'm piecing together some bits of information from my sister and others is that my mother was incredibly traumatized during while she was uh pregnant with me And I want you to imagine all of her emotional garbage and baggage from her childhood And from her grandparents and her mother and her fear of loss was being imprinted on me as a child I was absorbing it all in the womb And it began writing. That's the beginning code of when I was when I was in the womb For those of us believe believe that life begins at some point in the room Uh, I don't know when it begins. I just know that it begins at some point in the womb um and so I oftentimes wonder if my anxious attachment style is because my mother was incredibly anxious A significant percentage of the time while I was in the womb. Okay, that's a trauma Now that's one removed because I I I'm talking about Uh, I wasn't born yet But what about the trauma she experienced growing up from her mother my grandmother and my grandfather who died young My mother had a trauma in childhood in her youth When my grandfather died and that imprinted on to me So yes, I do believe it can go back. I actually think Well, I think it'd go back seven generations. What about going all the way? Where did we come from? You know, where do we think about this? If we could go back and back and back and back to where did we all come from? What trauma was passed on millions of years ago to us It's just an interesting And by the way, it's so much fun to explore these thoughts nooks and crannies When you're on mushrooms. Oh my god. It's so much fun Today I talked to a facilitator that Facilitates journeys. So if you're in Los Angeles, I'll turn you on to them. Okay By the way, if you have uh any questions for me personally write the word personal question then post the question thereafter. Okay Mulee is in the house I have an eight month relationship. My boyfriend goes to me for five weeks because I asked Both of us need to delete our dating accounts He said he will think about it. Is there any change to have him back any change chance to have him back? Okay, folks, I'm going to be blunt here The minute the penis goes inside the vagina on a regular basis Do you know what i'm talking about the penis inside the vagina? I'm a believer that monogamy and exclusivity begins. Okay monogamy and exclusivity exclusivity is You're not actively going out to seek other people You're not actively out there to go seek other people So that's the time the time two people start fucking is the time you should take down your dating profiles The fact that this was eight months ago And i'm assuming you guys had sex He just wanted to keep his options open He wasn't that into you So no wonder he ghosted you because you're calling him out That to me is bullshit. I'm sorry. That's now by the way You know people can cheat through their social media accounts in other ways, but dating profiles. Look at That's that to me is chicken shit. That is just bullshit chicken shit behavior. So, um Um now getting him back. Why do you want him back? Why do you want a man back who ghost you for five weeks? That is an emotionally immature child And put him on by the way, I'll get on the telephone and tell him himself You know, I mean listen, I'm your big brother if I could be there on a first date I'd have a shotgun pointed at guy's face and say what's your intentions with my little sister By the way, maybe need to buy a shotgun for that for this guy because he's probably an asshole Why do you want him back? Okay, I am being rather judgmental. I get it But I just think that's bullshit behavior So then the fact that you want him back Is the work you most likely need to be doing for yourself because accepting a person That wants to keeps his options open means It means you don't love yourself Because if you have self respect you wouldn't accept that Oh my god 20 dollar super sticker from Stephanie. Can I give you a big gigantic Jonathan bear hook? I forgot to mention Our goal tonight is 50 dollars. So we're we need 30 more dollars to reach our goal. Thank you so much for the love I really appreciate that Stephanie By the way, I love the name Stephanie because I had a big crush on Stephanie powers growing up So I have a crush on the name Stephanie and Jennifer from heart to heart Does anyone remember that series so I'm sharing a little personal I'd love everybody's name don't get me wrong But I'm just saying I've always had a fondness for Stephanie powers from heart to heart So thank you so much for the love. I really appreciate June says muley it is not you the person is not out for a real relationship whatsoever I agree Sherry says muley By the way, I could be butchering your name You could be cheating Sally says Jonathan you cracked me up. You're a great big brother figure. Thank you so much Julie wants to remind us that I agree Jonathan should not be keeping options open if they're having sex. Yes women except bad behavior from men That's just exactly stop it Stop doing it Md wants to remind me remind me. I loved heart to heart. Oh my god I love that tv show and I was 18 when that came out or roughly in that age No, I was younger than that. I always think I was 16. I love that show because I loved how they loved on each other Cynthia says today is national stephanie's day I loved how the two of them loved on each other and mind you it's a tv show But they said they did interviews with them and they said they had great camera chemistry They had great camera chemistry and I just I felt it. I just liked how they worked as a team each week I just love that show hmm Power of chi wants to go on and say Women accept and reward men for bad behavior. Yes, you reward men by giving you a vagina when they haven't earned it Stop it. Rebecca's in the house Uh regarding ghosting doesn't forgive play apart second guess second chance is okay Rebecca five weeks is bullshit. Okay a couple days. Absolutely now forgiveness You he had his dating profile on this whole time. Do you think he was faithful to her? I highly doubt it. I bet you if you could go back to his search history He was on the dating apps the whole time That's not something I okay, you can forgive a person but does not mean you should accept him back in your life. Okay I get it second chances, but the fact that listen if this was the first 30 days of dating I totally would you know accept that but this was eight months in that's just bullshit behavior in my opinion By the way folks, you can disagree with me on things I'm not saying I'm right about everything um Let's see what else playa playa All right, who else has a question for me? Post the word question or right. Hey, do you have a personal question of me? I don't mind spending the last few minutes as soon as I wrap up this video I've got a telephone call for someone I met on a dating app. We'll see She recognized me from my youtube channel. She said she recognized me so We'll hear what she has to say. I'm really curious Um, I've often thought most likely now. I'll probably meet somebody who recognizes me um So, um, I'm just sharing some personal things right now while I'm waiting for questions um So anyway All right, let's see what we got here from marty We build up our prospects to unreal Unreal levels if his dating profile is up. He is ghosting and he is ghosting you don't know him. Yes Like how like the fact that somebody that's a great point How well could you know someone if they still have their dating profile up? Um I think for some okay, I'm maybe okay. I'm gonna I'm gonna go down a different rabbit hole for a second I think for some men, they're so addicted to the attention That they swipe and swipe and swipe because they're addicted to the attention But that doesn't necessarily mean that they're healthy to be in relationship either But I think for some men, they're just addicted to the attention just a perception I have okay McCoy says I think if there was fallout a few days like two or three is okay for people to think after that amount of time It's not okay. Five weeks is a long time All right, rebecca says personal question. What's your favorite place in california? How long have you lived in the state? uh Okay, I've lived here my entire life. Well, no, that's not true when I was um Five years old. I lived in germany for a year. I went to kindergarten in where it was invented um kinder tante uh in germany uh, I've spent literally I live A mile and a half from where I grew up at from the age five on I love I love redondo beach I I look out of the ocean every morning every every this morning I looked out over the ocean the sun the moon was setting I love redondo beach. Some of my favorite places are santa barbara san diego Just to name a few but I love um, I love south bay Which is redondo beach hermosa beach, manhattan beach, palace birdies. That's I love that area So thank you so much for that personal question julie wants to go on and say yes addicted to the attention for sure um, I would agree Gigi says maybe explore the other 49 states You know, I've been to I've been to I've I've been to Trying to think where I haven't been to I haven't been to boston. I haven't been to main. I haven't been to vermont Um, I haven't been to I've been to new york I've been to north carolina south carolina florida alabama georgia most of the western states I've been skiing in some of the northern states. I've been to oregon. I've been to seattle So I've probably I've been to at least 40 different states or 35 different states Okay, uh jody is in the house I was texting with a man then we stopped for two weeks. I text them just recently and he texted back Sorry, who is this? He must have had a few women He well, what's your question? jody What's your question? Simply elisa says I've listened to this one before but What about the other video where he explains the relationship that build on lust and limerence that don't last By the way, this is all brand new content This this video is brand new content. This my notes here is all brand new So I don't know where you've listened to this before now There is truth that rings true in many videos, but I haven't talked about lust and limerence in this video That is true Saris says are do you think you're calmer now? No, you know, I think as I've gotten older I think I um I think the more aware I am of my emotions and feelings I think I'm less calmer because now I'm aware Well, no, that's not so in that awareness. I know how agitated I can get I can regulate my emotions faster No, that's true. I can regulate my emotions faster now than I have before so I would say I am probably calmer now than I have been in the I mean on my videos I'm a I'm all over the map because I just love I'm listen folks I get to rank I get to rant for one hour in these videos And I'm all over the map and I'm excited and I'm hyper and I'm agitated. I'm all those things so I'm Power achieve Personal question after my divorce I went to meditation classes to help me get through dry spells no sex while I healed What do you do to get through those dry spells friends with benefits? But um, um Actually, I have done that so Okay, so I'm being sincere here They're with absolute integrity with women I have some women who know that are fine with sex without any commitment. I'm not again I'm I'm I'm here to say you can do whatever you want in life However, what I truly drew during my dry spells and by the way, I was being a little tongue-in-cheek But I have done that in my past. Okay. I have done that um, what I do is Trying to think of the word dry spell I don't believe I have a dry spell I think I'm getting ready to get ready to get ready to get ready. So I don't view that as a dry spell per se but at the same time, um I'm very selective on whom I'd want to meet to go out on a date with so I'm very selective I do have female friends where I get to spend time with female friends and um, and we get to share male and female energy with one another, but um You know, I I don't I don't think I don't believe in dry spells I do believe in getting ready to get ready to get ready to get ready. So I'm working on myself constantly So I can be a better person today tomorrow the next day in the next day. Okay Jody finally came in with a question Do you think he is texting more than me? Okay, this comes back to your question earlier Um, most likely the answer is yes. He is most likely going back to your original question. Where was it? um You said I was was texting a man when he stopped for two weeks I text him recently and he texts back. Who is this? I must have Yeah, he must be talking to multiple women. That's but in other words, he didn't save you in his phone Now in my phone I can go back and there's women named sherry bumble Stephanie hinge Tammy Million match.com. I mean I all label where I met them. So every I've got so many last names that are bumble hinge match millionaire match Facebook So yes, he is most likely talking to multiple women Um, hey, you know what folks? I think this will be a great place to wrap up We talked about the 10 harsh truths about men and commitment really We're talking about what it takes to create a successful relationship and the harsh truths as to why this doesn't happen for men and women as well so Um, I've listened. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this video. Please post a comment below I'd like to hear what you have to say as always if you find value in the video Please hit that like button. Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell Well as well and if you want to schedule a discovery call with me, there's links below to connect with me directly Join my group called midlife love mastery get all the books. I recommend all listed below and Ciri rainbow says wishing you well on your phone date tonight. Yay. Well wish me luck. We'll see All right, everyone. Listen. Good luck on the date. Uh phone date. I appreciate that. All right, folks Um, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank marty and leaps uh and sherry and tie and Stephanie for that 20 super sticker and jody and seri and ashley really appreciate uh the love ashley for being on justin And mccoy and everyone big hugs. Thanks so much wishing you super duper