 One of the subjects that we've danced around from the start of this episode that a lot of nice guys and gals struggle with is Hiding their sexual desire and in large part that's due to shame So how does shame show up for nice guys and gals and how does it keep them from what they want? This is true for most nice guys. It's been true for me. I grew up Well, you can't grow up in this world without absorbing a lot of toxic sexual messages in America in America and it was America was founded by Puritans by by religious nutcases that couldn't get along with their neighbors in Europe So they came to America And then wanted to do it their way and in so in America were bombarded with sexual stimuli, you know media Movies television ads but but still told you're bad for sex is bad Now I grew up in a fundamental Christian church that says, you know sex is dirty sinful and ugly save it for the person You love and you know, just you think okay now that I've now that I'm married, right? You cross that line now Sex is gonna be great and it's gonna work good And you know, I grew up thinking if I've been you know If I looked at a woman's breast and had a sexual thought I was going to hell for all eternity That was the message that so you know that had to have an impact on on my sexuality now Here's the here's the deal. I asked people a lot times in my workshops Think of your first sexual experience. What is your first sexual memory? Now that that might be discovering you have an erection at three years old Maybe is that you know five or six playing with the the neighbor and showing you yours and they show you theirs Maybe it was your first kiss. Maybe it was your first wet dream. Maybe it was being violated or molested by a family member or a neighbor Maybe you know the Whatever it comes to mind as your first sexual memory first sexual Thing that happened it to you and then I asked people What was the context? What was the situation? Was it in the open? What was it, you know in broad daylight where people could see it? Was it? celebrated Was it was it applauded? You know could could you go to your parents and say mom dad? I had my first wet dream and they're going dad is fantastic Let's go get pizza. You know what was it handled that way? Or was it or was it in the dark? Did it lack information? Was it hidden? Was it secretive? Was it shameful? Was it oh, no, i'm bad Oh, no, I can't be found out. Oh, no, I can't tell anybody about it and Everybody I've ever talked to yes, that was everybody's first sexual experience. It was not hey, let's celebrate this This is such a positive development in our young life And that didn't happen it doesn't happen and so that means for every human being Let's just say 99.9 of all human beings their earliest sexual experience and experiences Were wrapped in shame wrapped in secrecy wrapped in guilt wrapped in darkness wrapped in oh, no, i'm bad Okay, and then we then grow up go through adolescence come into adulthood and that stuff doesn't just drop So sex gets cross-wired. It becomes associated with shame, you know I'm bad now so that might lead to sexual addiction Uh, it could lead to sexual acting out. It could lead to sexual repression It can lead to you know sexually abusing others It could lead to being attracted to people that have abuse issues I mean it manifests in so many ways, but rarely does it manifest in truly conscious intimate consensual Isn't this great? We're having sex sex It usually it gets tainted in somewhere another and that's true for everybody So what do we do with that? I you know for me What my journey I I my very first, you know resource for for for working on me as a nice guy was a 12 step group for sex addicts because my wife kept saying You're a sex addict, you know Why because I want to have sex with you that makes me a sex addict and just because you don't want to have sex You know, why does that make me but anyway, I went And I quickly found out I was not a sex addict But there was a group of all guys who really had some you know some Hardcore stuff going on. So I'd go and I would just share Anything that you know, I'd never shared with anybody just you know This dark thought or this impulse or this thing I den had never never told I just started revealing me in a safe place and it felt liberating It felt damn good And then I got a therapist and soon after that joined a men's group that was kind of built around sexual shame and for four or five years Everything about my sexuality. I just I put it out there and let it be in the spotlight and let it be seen by others And so in no more. Mr. Nice guy. I said don't try to do this alone Go get safe people to reveal yourself to Find people that you can reveal your darkest self the part of you that you don't want to reveal And find out you're not alone kind of like I was saying guys get in a group or workshop find out they're not alone But also get more accurate information and feedback So you think oh, I have these sexual thoughts or these sexual impulses that must make me bad But what if you're with a therapist or a coach or in a men's group and they're all going No, actually that sounds really pretty normal. That doesn't sound like you're a bad person in any kind of way You can start me you mean this thing I've been thinking as bad about me as normal or this thing that happened to me that I never told anybody about before That wasn't my fault or I'm not bad because that No, that wasn't your fault. You're not bad because that happened to And and it's not always quite that simple But that's a good start at it and if we can just start opening up and being Transparent about it like like I said my wife and are in a place right now since doing the the plant medicine ceremonies Our intention is if we have a fear or shame and and most for most of us that's around sex If she and I have a fear or shame We're going to tell each other about it and see if we can help each other Lean into it to go towards it to to to clean it out of our psyche and consciousness So we do need safe people. So in this case my wife is that kind of safe person But I was a coach of a men's program. I have guys that know everything about me So I keep creating these safe places to keep revealing me When especially the stuff I don't want to reveal, you know Putting the stuff out there that I'd rather keep in and that's how you release the shame And that's how you free yourself up and that's how your sexual energy Then begin begins to be able to just flow and just be a part of you and it makes you amazingly attractive If you're either if you're not repressing your sexual energy And if you're not channeling it through through some kind of addiction or anything like that But you're just you you're just you as a sexual being that's amazingly attractive and and it takes work