 In celebration of Fast and the Furious 62, I grabbed a shirt that looked like something Vin Diesel would wear. That's not a muscle tee. Now that I have the right attire and a great attitude, it's time to review F9, the Fast Saga. Why is it called that? What a weird title. The gang's all here. Letty, Maya, Dom, Maya and Dom's brother. Wait, they have a brother? It reminds me of sitcoms where they introduce a long-lost brother or twin that we didn't know existed until like the fifth season of the show, because they're running out of ideas. If there were any themes at all in this film, outside of the threat of family, it would be that the past has a way of coming back again. Whether it's a brother that's never been mentioned in eight previous films, or a character who was dead for four of them and then returns. I actually don't know if it's been four films. This whole thing is a roller coaster. We started out a drag race scene. Now we're, for some reason, launching cars into space. It's a whirlwind. Let me just come right out and say it. This is one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen in theaters, and I saw Boss Baby. It's so bonkers. It's so nuts. It's so crazy. It's so ludicrous. He's in it. Don't worry. He's back, too. Whole gang's here, except for Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham. Because I don't think they, I don't think, I don't think The Rock gets along with Diesel. That's what I read. Rocks and Diesel don't mix. Physics are inconsequential by the ninth film. They kind of joke about it at one point. They also joke about how they're untouchable. They don't seem to die, or even get hurt for that matter. It's one thing to be self-referential and meme yourself, which this film does multiple times. It's another to be a competently directed piece of entertainment. I wrongfully, in the past, compared the Fast and the Furious to that of an Avengers type of an event where they keep getting more over-the-top and crazy that these characters are basically superheroes. They get so over-bloated, so stupid, and just, they just have no fun or feel to them anymore. Like, the characters all look old. They look miserable. Vin Diesel's just so uncomfortable throughout this whole movie. He's just, he's kind of like this the whole time. His shirts look weird. He's always in a weird posture. His face is never making real expressions. I just, I don't, what happened to this franchise? It started out as such a, like a niche, stupid, bro-tacular street racing film. And now we're just, we're dodging landmines in the forest. We're traveling to 85 different places, most of which I've never heard of. I know you can drive fast, Dom. And sometimes furious, actually a lot of times furious. But you're traveling across continents in like the course of an afternoon. And then back again. Shit, you have guys go to space? And then like a day later they're back home having a barbecue. How? How? Nothing makes a lick of sense. There's dudes jumping around from car to car like they're agents out of the matrix. You have magnets pulling shit in and then throwing them away. I mean, I don't even know how many people died. I don't know how many casualties there were in the final action scene. But they're just mowing down cars, pulling shit in from all sides. There should be blood and guts and carnage all over this road. These are horrible people. Horrible people. I have a very hard time following stories now. And I think I know why. Back in the day, there would be like one major plot, maybe one or two minor plots sprinkled in. That was your story. Stop a, stop a shark from invading the beach. Plus deal with some of the politics of the locals in such as Jaws. Now though, it's okay, fast and the furious crew. We have retired some of us. We're in hiding out on a farm. We're raising a son that's now ours because other people are dead. But oh shit, we got pulled back into it because Kurt Russell sent off some sort of cryptic message. By the way, we don't see him again. I don't really know what was happening with that whole thing. And only we can know about it. This then pinpoints a location to something we have to go get, which leads to other things we have to go get. And then there's a key that we have to go find. Meanwhile, we left our son back at the barn that we saw for five minutes of the film. They don't care at all. Like Dom leaves this kid that he's just so held on to protecting. They don't tell us who he left him with until like 25 minutes later. That's just good writing. So they're going after these two pieces of technology that when hooked together cause the Transformium to take over the world and Decepticons come down and they can wipe out all the computers and Optimus and the gang have to stop them. Meanwhile, a ghost from the past comes back. But how did he survive? Well, let's do a flashback and find out. That's his sister? Well, not really. Let's do a flashback and find out who she is. Wait, Dom has a brother? Sure does. Let's do seven flashbacks and find out how that all went down. These are all stories. These are all full films worth of events. Dom having a brother? That's kind of a big deal. That's probably something that should be addressed more than in a couple flashbacks. Bear in mind, the flashbacks have two actors that just look bizarre. I don't know if they were doing some sort of a face manipulation or what, but these look like an amalgamation of different people. They don't look like real people. And they certainly didn't look like the actors they were portraying. In fact, I thought Dom was the shorter brother for the longest time because, you know, his brother Jacob, played by John Cena, is quite a bit taller than him. But who cares? Adam, shut the hell up. What were you expecting, Citizen Kane? Yes. Yeah, I was expecting Citizen Kane, you prick. That's exactly what I was expecting. A movie with some competency. A movie with some story structure. A movie that's not just a string of random video games meshed together. Yeah, I expect Citizen Kane. That's what I'm just saying now whenever I see that stupid comment. Just shut your brain off and watch. My brain has limits. Dick, there's only so much I can handle. There's a scene in the film where Dom is in a sewer or something. I don't know, there's chains, there's water, there's stuff. And like 35 guys attack him with batons and like Kevlar and whatever. They're all decked out. Meanwhile, Lenny gets away, Dom shuts the door, locks himself in, and he's like, you'll tell the kid that I love him or something. I don't know, where is he at? Where's the kid? Eh, who cares? I got stuff to do. And he fights all these dudes and he turns into the Hulk. He legitimately turns into the Hulk. He's like, run! He jumps down, he like picks up a piece of cement and smashes it on the guy. He like breaks the dude's neck into a railing. He throws six guys over. He's taking all these body blows and shit. I just, what the hell is happening in this franchise? I don't know. It's so hard to describe because I like crazy, loony films. Like, I eat Wanted Up with Angelina Jolie with her curving bullets. It's just preposterous. It's nonsense. Yet somehow that worked for me. There's this really fine razor line where you can like get away with it if you have some style to your films. I think the problem is, Fast and the Furious, there's nobody on this crew that can hold this movie together. There's no like Deadpool, Ryan Reynolds, you know? Vin Diesel has no range. He's just so there, you know? He's like a stone that they just kind of cart around and they like drop him off. He's like, you, what car do I get in? I should also point out that I liked Fast and the Furious 6. I think the one with Paul Walker where he was deep faked onto his brother's face or whatever they did. Face off, Nicholas Cage. That was fine. I mean, I don't know why that one worked and this didn't. I couldn't possibly pinpoint what's different between them. Outside of maybe that one just had a bit more emotion attached to it because of Paul Walker's passing. So there was just, they had that real life scenario, a plain part in the film. I think that's exactly what it was. There's something to latch onto in that movie. There's something to care about outside of this generic bullshit or family nonsense. That's nothing. That's nothing. When the movie does have action events play out, they're so dumb that you can just laugh and basically point at how completely implausible any of it is. It's just so loony tunes bad that that's enjoyable, I guess. But when that's not happening and there's plenty of times when it's not, it's just a snorefest and you're just waiting for the next action scene to ramp up to watch Vin Diesel blow his car through the side of a brick pillar and somehow hook the cable onto the axle of his front left wheel or whatever he does and then swing around to another mountain. That happens. And my favorite part about that is before it happens, Lenny's like, uh-uh, you're not going to do what I think you're going to do. What? How would you possibly know? That's what he was thinking. Remember in mind, right before that event happens, the bridge that was there looked like some rickety shit from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. The other crew drives on it, and as they're going, the back of the bridge starts falling. This is what's supposed to happen. That's what's supposed to happen. But instead, it's... What! What! They drive up this bridge as it's free-falling. of Legolas in The Hobbit when he runs up the bricks as they're falling away. Nothing about it makes sense, although I ate it up because Legolas is like a magic elf. So there's some, there's something you can, you know, you can suspend your disbelief there. Fast and the Furious has no excuse. It's just so boggers. I'm giving Fast and the Furious nine four out of ten Noss speed canister things. I don't know what they are. I don't know anything about cars and neither does this movie. Thanks for watching the video. If you want to hear my thoughts on more Fast and the Furious, stick around because soon I'll be doing a Fast and the Furious one versus Fast and the Furious nine on my movie feuds show and I'll be a little bit nicer I think in that one. I'm gonna try to be nicer there because I know people do love this franchise. This is just, this is just my honest opinion on the film. Make sure to like the video and subscribe if you haven't and hopefully I'll see you around the channel. Take care.