 Intimacy is often associated with sex because being intimate is seen as being physically close to someone else. However, there are other forms of intimacy that don't involve sex or touch at all, such as emotional, intellectual, experiential, and spiritual intimacy that is just as important to a relationship as the physical kind. All these types of intimacy can help strengthen healthy relationships, but sometimes you might notice yourself or your partner avoiding or being unable to be as close as you want to be. Perhaps they're anxious about being so open or afraid to show their insecurities with you. If you're curious to know why you or your partner may be avoiding intimacy, here are seven reasons why we avoid intimacy. Rejection and Engulfment One reason why you may avoid intimacy may have to do with fears of rejection and engulfment. This means that you're afraid of possibly being controlled, dominated, or losing yourself in your relationship. According to psychologist Dr. Margaret Paul, co-founder of Inner Bonding, most people have underlying false beliefs that, when triggered in their relationship, cause fears that lead to controlling, protective, and avoidant behavior. These false beliefs may involve believing that you're not enough for your partner or that you need to give up part of yourself for your relationship. In cases like this, communication is key. When you're open to learning about you and your partner's fears and underlying false beliefs, your relationship becomes an ever-evolving one, and that's a good thing. Fear of Abandonment Most people who identify with fearing abandonment have an insecure attachment style. Psychotherapist Shaman Ajahn states that this can become a hindrance to making deep, emotional, and intimate connections with a partner. Similarly, according to holistic psychologist Nicole Lippen-Barrell, having an insecure attachment style may lead to anxieties about whether or not your own needs and desires can be met. You may expect the other person to abandon and hurt you in some way. Lippen-Barrell even said, typically these attachment styles, if unresolved, play out in adulthood. For instance, if you were a clingy child, you'll generally be clingy towards a romantic partner later. Or if you've learned that you can't rely on your caregiver, you may end up being unable to rely on a partner as an adult. Avoidant Personality Disorder According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, the SM-5, Avoidant Personality Disorder is characterized by extreme avoidance of social interaction, driven by fears of rejection and feeling of interpersonal inadequacy. I'm sure a lot of us can relate to feeling like this, right? This could be why many are anxious. According to psychologist Maria Andretis, this disorder is a combination of both genetic and environmental factors. Studies have shown that Avoidant Personality Disorder is positively correlated with neuroticism and has a negative relationship with extroversion. This suggests that these people tend to be more anxious, fearful, and understandably more introverted and closed off. The next point deals with childhood sexual abuse. Skip to the next point if you think this might trigger you. Childhood Sexual Abuse According to therapist Wendy Maltz's definition, sexual abuse occurs whenever one person dominates and exploits another by means of sexual activity or suggestion. Survivors of sexual abuse may experience difficulties with trust, have a fear of intimacy, a fear of being different, and have difficulty establishing interpersonal boundaries in relationships. In these cases, it's important to keep the lines of communication open with your partner and perhaps consider therapy as an option to help deal with these childhood traumas. Previous Abuse Fear of intimacy can also stem from emotional and physical abuse which is committed against intimate partners, current or former spouses, boyfriends, and girlfriends. Emotional abuse can include verbal assault, dominance, control, isolation, ridicule, or the use of intimate knowledge for degradation. It impacts the mental health and well-being of the victim, and it is often a precursor to physical abuse. There's a high correlation between physical and emotional abuse in batterer populations, and verbal abuse early in a relationship predicts subsequent physical abuse. Children who are emotionally abused may grow into adults who fear ridicule or verbal abuse if they share anything with others, which can lead to an inability to share and be vulnerable in adult relationships due to these anxieties and fears. If this is familiar at all, please reach out to a qualified healthcare provider or mental health professional if you're struggling. Parental Neglect According to licensed clinical psychologist Ayanna Abrams, a person's attachment style is the way they behave in a relationship based on the way they were cared for as a child. Abrams notes that not feeling secure in your relationship with your parent or caregiver can lead to three different types of attachment styles, avoidant, anxious, or disorganized. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you typically avoid intimacy, and this is often due to caregivers being largely unavailable. One study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health found having unavailable parents might even lead to sexual difficulties later in life. Those with an anxious attachment style tend to crave intimacy. It usually forms when a child has inconsistent caregivers, who are not always there for them. If you have a disorganized attachment style, you tend to both crave intimacy and avoid it. This tends to occur when a child grows up afraid of their caregiver. That's why it's also called fearful avoidant attachment, and it's been linked to poor coping skills, erratic behavior, and difficult or volatile relationships. Separation and Overdependence Do you tend to call your parents for advice when something goes wrong in your relationships? It's possible that the effects of a close relationship with your parents may influence the quality of your romantic relationship. Separation individuation is defined by Margaret Schoenberger-Mahler as the developmental phase in which you gradually differentiate yourself from your mother. Develop awareness of your separate identity, and attain relatively autonomous status. Psychiatrist Helm Sterlin noted that a very close relationship with parents may actually end up hindering romantic relationships in adolescence. Fear of intimacy, as we've explained, is due to anxiety caused by a variety of reasons. The fear could also lead to depression, because as human beings, we are emotionally and psychologically wired for social connection and closeness. Could you relate to any of these points? Let us know in the comments. If you find this video helpful, be sure to like, subscribe, and share it with those who might benefit from it. Thanks so much for watching and see you in our next video.