 Let us welcome to the stage communications director for UC Davis of law and substitute host of the insight on capital public radio miss Pamela wound Good evening everyone. Welcome to the sixth annual parent University lecture series This is the fourth year that I've been the series moderator and it is always an honor and really a pleasure to be with you I learned something new and important with every one of these presentations And I hope that that is true for all of you as well I have been reading the book the dolphin way by dr. Jimmy Kang tonight's presenter, and it's really resonated with me I am someone who was raised by strict tiger parents Chinese immigrants who always demanded straight A's and now I am married to a man who was Raised by very permissive parents who dr. King refers to as jellyfish parents What do you get when you cross tiger with jellyfish? Seriously though, we're the parents of a three-year-old and I often think about this I wonder how to find that good middle ground between tiger and jellyfish because I don't want to put my son through the same kind of High-pressure experience that I had and at the same time my husband says he really wants to encourage our son more than he was Encouraged as a child. He often says I wish that my parents had pushed me a little bit harder So it is really a revelation to discover the dolphin way as parents we often talk about seeking balance in our lives and our children's lives But the question is what does that mean in practice? I know that a lot of you have probably said I'm seeking some balance But what does that mean? What does that look like? Thankfully dr. Shimmy Kang is here to explain how we already have the answers inside of us Before I introduce our keynote speaker I would like to recognize the community leaders who are with us this evening. Please stand when I call your name Good evening to the superintendent for DJ USD Winfred Robertson assistant superintendent dr. Clark Bryant new school board member Barbara Archer and the very popular executive director of the Davis Legacy Soccer Club and former DHS varsity soccer coach Ashley Euden We would also like to recognize Davis media access DMA for taping tonight's lecture for the many who could not attend and be here tonight The taping is going to be available on the DMA website by the end of January Of course, I'd also like to recognize our community sponsors the avid reader They're in the lobby and avid readers going to donate 10% of dr. Kang's book sales to Davis parent University tonight Also, I'd like to recognize the DJ USD climate committee Chad Demasi of the Demasi real estate group Hallmark in UC Davis Richard Mandelares and associates and bachelorees martial arts So here's how tonight's going to go We're going to start with a 50 minute talk by our keynote followed by a 20 minute question and answer session You will have an opportunity to ask questions of our esteemed speaker Then we're going to end the evening with a book signing and the front foyer and doors are going to close here at 9 p.m If you have a burning question for dr. Kang you can just jot down your question on the index card that you were given when you first arrived We're going to be collecting those cards immediately after the talk And now tonight's keynote to dr. Shimmy Kang author of the dolphin way a parents guide to raising healthy happy and motivated kids Without turning into a tiger Dr. Shimmy Kang is an award-winning Harvard trained doctor researcher and expert on human motivation She offers the tools that people of all ages need to succeed in the workplace and at home Dr. Kang helps to cultivate the skills needed to flourish both personally and professionally The dolphin way is already a number one best-seller in Canada Dr. Kang also has written articles featured in the Huffington Post Psychology Today and Time Magazine and you may have seen her on television before as well because major media outlets often call upon her for her expertise Dr. Kang is currently the medical director of child and youth mental health for Vancouver and a clinical associate professor at the University of British Columbia She is most proud of receiving the Queen Elizabeth the second diamond jubilee medal for her years of outstanding community service and of course very proud of being the mother of three awesome children Please welcome to the stage and welcome to Davis dr. Shimmy Kang Thank you so much for that kind introduction. Hi everyone It is such a pleasure to be here. I'm very excited. I've had a very rainy two days I will take credit for bringing the rain to Davis because I'm from Vancouver Pacific Northwest and But I hear you need it. So that's wonderful Can I just start by saying thank you to the DPU your chairwoman Christie freeze and all of the DPU representatives. Could you just stand for a moment and Be acknowledged for your hard work I've been so impressed with the amount of dedication commitment and work. We've had phone calls I've talked about the audience and like tell me who they are. They've been really really invested in making sure that this is a worthwhile event for you and I know that you have children and you have to do lists and long email chains at home So we really want to make sure that this night Is going to give you exactly or at least some of what you need in your home and in your professional life, too Can I just get a sense of the audience how many people have kids elementary school and younger? Okay. All right. How about middle school? high school young adults and young adult goes up to age 24 actually, right? The human brain doesn't fully finish its maturation till about then Men mature a little bit longer. That's a fact Okay, great So we're going to try to touch on all these age groups the tools and techniques are things that I've used for over 15 years in my practice my personal life I'm hoping that you can use them in all of your relationships in all aspects of your life so really giving you not just some parenting tips, but personal and business or Corporate corporations. I give these same tools to different audiences So we're going to talk about what skills equal 21st century success and that's a really important Sentence there because we're talking about we're going to talk about the current world We live in the 21st century the a rapidly changing a ultra competitive a fast-paced technologically driven globally connected world that our kids are going to be Thriving in living in growing in competing in and working in and that's really what we want to get to the heart of today and What skills equal success in that century? So I'd love to be interactive with you when I heard the audience is full of PhDs and MDs and MD PhDs I'm like boy It'd be wonderful to hear from you and I'm hoping to do that after as well But my way of being interaction I'm going to ask you questions And I'd like you to answer that question in your own mind or tell a friend you're sitting beside because that's really going to help You to formulate and walk the path walk the trail that I'm hoping to get to so ask yourself What is success when you when you think of that word? for your family for your child, what are you thinking of when you think of success and I know that it's not getting into a certain university As a parent myself, I know all of you parents are wanting health for your children are wanting a Certain amount of security for your children You're wanting them to have a life of passion a life of purpose of meaning and joy That's our definition of success tonight and that is a very high expectation I know but that's what we want and we don't have to settle for a low achieving Happy person happy child or a high achieving miserable child We don't have to settle for we don't have to choose between being practical and being passionate We don't have to choose between being competitive and collaborative We can have it all week and there are families and there are children that have Experienced this and so that's really the bar we're setting for tonight We're going to talk about how do we cultivate this type of success this very broad definition of success Now you may be thinking wow that sounds really ambitious to do in one hour But we it's actually quite simple and I'm going to say that the secret to parenting the secret to life is simple but not easy and knowing what to do is Not the same as doing it and you've all experienced moments of passion purpose meaning enjoying your lives You've all experienced triumphs. You know how you got there if you take a moment to think about it. So Knowing is not doing and this kind of struck me when I became a parent of I have three children and I couldn't figure out why I was having such a hard time with my three kids Given my resources giving my education given the fact it was a medical director of an entire city for child and youth mental health All of my research on motivation. I couldn't figure out why this was so hard when I looked at my own mother who Was never given an opportunity to even go to school. She never even went to grade one she grew up in a village and She successfully raised five kids and I knew that I was missing something very simple and very powerful But like I said knowing isn't doing in simple is not easy So you're going to hear tools and ideas and you're gonna they're gonna seem very simple to you But simple is not easy when we think of things like drinking water is simple But 80% of Americans are dehydrated Sleeping it's simple, but sleep deprivation is a crisis situation So when we look at the simple things they are the most powerful and they are the most intuitive to us to Intuition is actually the knowledge gifted to us by nature and It is common sense the knowledge common to everyone and I realized my mom was parenting from her intuition She never read parenting books or blogs. She can't read. In fact, she hasn't read my book And she was asking me it's actually quite interesting. She she asked me there it is She asked me when I was putting all the science in because I read 900 articles and reviewed 40 books And there's 300 over 300 references in the dolphin way she asked me why you need so much science for common sense stuff like sleep and sunlight and Collaboration and encouraging your child and not pushing too hard, but not having but also having rules and She told me she goes, you know shimmy. She's like no one's gonna read your book It's it doesn't sound very earth-shattering to me. It sounds very common sense and So she was surprised when it became a number one bestseller And it's being translated into Germany this year German Russia and China are all it's going to be launched this year in all three countries and There's a funny story. That's the German cover right there and recently Der Spiegel, which is a German investigative magazine came from Germany to interview me and They spent two days in my home and not to stereotype But these were very serious investigative journalists from Germany in my home and At the end of the two days they asked me Do you ever feel like you're under a microscope? And I'm like, yeah And then they also asked me what's my life like now that I wrote this parenting book And I did all this research and I'm doing all these speaking events and I said well, yeah, life is pretty good You know, I have a Oldest son Joe's he used to be a he's a total sports junkie But now he does his homework no problem like just sits down and does it and that's my daughter Yeah, and she hates nighttime routine and going to sleep and she just brushes her teeth and puts her pajamas on and falls a bet Falls asleep and my middle son J ever he's the pickiest eater in the world and he's just eating bags and bags of broccoli so life is great and That would be nice if it was true This is the truth more often than not and you know, my friend's parenting is hard work We're all in it together. We struggle. I struggle and I actually don't believe in the term parenting experts I said that this morning on NPR. We've never needed experts for all of human history. Why do we need them now? We need our intuition. We need our common sense And only you know your children and only you know yourself and what is needed So really we're we're gonna talk about that that very powerful thing that very simple thing That can help get us through all the noise they asked me why I wrote the book and I said that well, I'm not a parenting expert but I do have expertise in some things and one of them is motivation through my work in research and addiction and My child my interest in child and youth mental health I've worked with thousands of families and I've seen how hard it can be and I want to be alongside I want to I want to be part of this journey with my fellow podmates my fellow parents because it is hard work and The research is amazing and I didn't know this until I started researching the book But the parents brain changes just like our brain changes in puberty the Myla nation and The generous it shifts and you can actually see this And it's not just in the pregnant mother, but also the partner or even adoptive parents of a newborn And I say it's like puberty all over again, but with even more angst than that time so and the reason why I wrote the book is because I believe I Do believe that we are in trouble in in when I look at What's happening in the world when I look at our lifestyles When I look at my when I looked at my lifestyle When I looked at the lifestyle of the kids that I was working with of the people around me my friends and colleagues I say we're kind of in this state of negative evolution This weird paradox and when you think about it Never before in human history have we had such conveniences yet never before have our lives been so stressful Never have we had such knowledge at the tip of a finger push of a button Yet never have we had such illness of course diseases like addiction anxiety depression obesity Diabetes are all rooted in our genetics, but they're all going up not because of our genes but because of our lifestyles Never before have parents been so involved in their kids lives ever in human history Yet never have our kids been so unhealthy with rising rates of all of those things and it struck me and It's not our imagination that the world is getting more stressful I entered at the WHO in Geneva many years ago And they think very long and hard before they release statements like this And the statement that they released is stress is the 21st century epidemic Any of you feel stress in your lives? Okay, so we all feel it. This is this is the sign of our times This is the environment our children are growing up in and it is different and it is a paradox Because you would think we've come so far yet our lives are more the most stressful they've ever been and When we think about stress This slide is really important and maybe we could even this if we get this slide then I think we've really understood a lot tonight Stress releases stress hormones Adrenaline puts us into freeze fight in flight It's gonna happen to anyone when we go look at the research and take someone from Iceland or Africa in a stressful environment They're gonna release these they're gonna release hormone Adrenaline and cortisol and they're gonna go into freeze fight or flight These are our instincts and they make us run on automatic Now the way I see it. I think of freeze think of anxiety you're frozen your child might be anxious Flight is escape Distraction too much shopping too much drinking too much gambling too much drugs and alcohol whatever it might be too much scheduling you're checking out and the fight is irritability anger and If we can understand that this is how if the 21st century is functioning in the highest level of stress Then we're a group of humans functioning in freeze fight or flight instincts and that's no way to parent It's okay if you're being run by chased by a lion when we Are in a place of calm? Then our intuition kicks in our intuition is what allows us to make conscious choices And if when we're calm we make those same choices Then they're probably the right choices and that's how we want to be parenting. So It's when I looked at myself. I realized that I was in this mode I was in this automatic reaction mode and it was a real awakening for me to say if this can happen to me and I'm a psychiatrist And I've spent all my time Many many years researching the human brain and if I can fall into this so easily as a parent Then my goodness, of course, this is happening across the board. So please remember this. I think this is a really important point as we go about our day and An easy way to get out of freeze fight or flight and into a place of calm intuition is simply slowing down deep breaths Simple not easy okay So how did we get here as parents and I talked to a lot of parents one of the top things that came up In terms of why parenting is so stressful as the admissions criteria for universities and colleges They have gone up steadily over the last 100 years. GPAs are rising. Does that stress any of you out? Okay, and it's the truth and so we think the entire framework of the plan that we had Work hard you get into university. You get a job. You'll have health care and education This plan is no longer the pathway and it is scaring us it's making us stressed, but there's a whole other list here Status anxiety is a wonderful term for keeping up. It is a true anxiety So and it's driven also by technology. So when I go on Facebook and I see, you know, my friend's son building a hospital in Guatemala and You know my kids digging worm in the backyards. I feel like that's keeping up anxiety It may not be the fact that You know, I want a new Purse or a new car, but keeping up regardless of what it is. It brings us it makes us anxious. It gives us fear There's so many things that have changed in parenting right now the media the 24-hour news cycles stories of abduction Abduction hasn't gotten any more than it was before we hear about it more. It brings in ratings Globalization my goodness our kids are going to be competing with the superhuman calculators from India and China and the spelling bee Champions, what does that mean for for our children? So it scares us it scares us these stereotypes were marketed Did anyone buy baby Einstein? Or so my first son I had a baby Einstein shower and the research on baby Einstein ended up showing that in fact kids who watch Those videos ended up learning seven words less than kids who did Okay, so we are a big market parents Parents are one of the biggest market. We're constantly being marketed. You need another lesson. You need elite coaching We need elite drills and soccer and this and that so all of these things work life and balance has made us sometimes It's easier to put our kids in a schedule in an activity. Well, at least they have something to do The economic security anyone here the ten thousand hour rule of Course you have so one of my favorite authors Malcolm Gladwell and the outliers talked about this ten thousand hour rule That would lead to an outlier now did he mean ten thousand hours of Parent-driven structured activity that was going to lead to an outlier Right, okay, he didn't mean that he gave examples of Bill Gates. He gave examples of the Beatles They got their ten thousand hours from passion curiosity driven generally unstructured Exploration play and an environment that was conducive to becoming an outlier So all of these things have led us to this place of fear fear stress automatic reaction and we ended up Being disconnected from our intuition from our gut does anyone remember saying this When you're driving your kid to and from an activity or They're stressed and you're pushing them out the door or you're not feeling good about what's happening have any of you said this to yourself This is what I used to say to myself all the time and in fact It's the first Section of the dolphin way is called this doesn't feel right, but everyone else is doing it and it is true It is a cross the board like I mentioned across the world When you look at the parenting research We are in a trend that's called over parenting There's certain behaviors that are happening now that haven't happened to this degree before and I say it's serious underparenting because it's under preparing our children for real life Sabotaging their self motivation and their ability to adapt to a very rapidly changing world Have you heard the term Krispy's? Okay, so Krispy's these terms have actually come out of California in terms of the the Words to describe the youth showing up on campuses burnt out been working since four they show up on campus at 19 They have nothing more to give to their campus community to they're just done I see a lot of Krispy's in my practice Overscheduled kids. We know that's a very big topic 40 percent of children are sleep deprived because they're too busy and As a physician and many of you I know are in this room I tell those parents to try to make the point on you might as well give your kid a pack of cigarettes It's that bad for their growing brain to be sleep deprived at this really important time Pre-puberty and puberty Bubble wrap kids have you heard this term teacups kids that are fragile lacking resilience They've been overprotected bubble wrapped having a hard time with any mistakes any failure and The robot kid the kid that lacks empathy Hyper-competitive can't think out of the box can't problem solve put them in a new situation They can't quite figure it out. These are unfortunate metaphors. These are unfortunate terms that are becoming the lexicon for an entire generation and The biggest paradox is what we're seeing and what I've seen in my practice is the most at-risk group is the higher income the kids of privilege medical history was made when there was a Wrist factor for a health condition that was more likely to occur if you're from higher income And it was the it's the only one ever and it's adolescent anxiety depression and addiction So I know Dr. Levine talked about this perhaps last year But this is a trend and this is what we're seeing and I'm very sorry. It's all bad news, but There's really good news. There's really good news because Parents everywhere and there is a lot of kids who are doing just fine Parents who are parenting with their intuition. There's moments in our lives where we're able to do that We know those days. We know how they feel and in fact the answer is in us and when we look at The science of human intuition. I would love to talk to you about it for days In fact, my next book is going to be on the human intuition system. So this isn't something that is Not scientific in fact I started with the quote to look deep into nature and you'll understand everything better Well, we humans regardless of how you believe we came on earth whether it was through God the universe mother nature random chaos we have lived for most of human history and Dependent on a system that tells us when we're in danger that tells us what to do that Guides us and it's not just from the brain We know that the heart is involved the gut this concept of gut feeling in fact There's more serotonin receptors in our gut than in our brain Think about that when we think about diet because we use antidepressants. It works on serotonin Vegas nerve. So there's a really exciting emerging science about this but that's what we're going to kind of try to get to today and My gut told me that I was missing everything in parenting and I said, you know what I want if I were to boil this down What what should I be really focusing on? Is there one skill? That might lead to success to the success that that I started talking about the the broad definition of success and I knew it couldn't be come on math Do you guys have come on here? I? Knew it couldn't be the piano. I knew the one thing wasn't the flute It had to be something else and yet I was putting kind of time into these other activities Which are important, but they weren't the one thing that was going to lead to success So if we look at the research and we look at the science the neuroscience the biology the psychology the reality of This broad definition of success. What do you think it might be that's one thing? Confidence is definitely part of it Self-esteem is definitely important and part of it to keep going Curiosity is Eleanor Roosevelt had a great quote and it said if there's only one thing a parent could give their child It would be curiosity Albert Einstein said I'm not particularly intelligent. I'm just passionately curious It's part of it for sure Resilience ability to get back up after you've been motivation motivation Okay, so all of these are part of the ingredients One of the things I used to thought was passion. Well, I'm like you have to have you have to passion Passion is important, but do you all know passionate artists or entrepreneurs who it kind of stuck can't move forward? So passion is important, but is it enough and of course? We think of hard work grit this word Angela Duckworth did the research on spelling bee champions and military cadets And it's really important work, but I don't want my child to be a spelling bee champion or military kid I want this broader definition So and we all know hard-working gritty people who are not so happy who might even be miserable Is it a problem-free childhood or a good childhood as a psychiatrist? Of course, I thought that's important. That's what we're taught But again, I'm increasingly seeing kids from very good childhoods in that sense who have high levels of anxiety depression and addiction so the one thing that Is across the board when you look at the science the biology the psychology the reality of This broad definition of success. I thought it was earth-shattering yet Predictably obvious at the same time and the answer was adaptability Adaptability when you think about it simple But not easy Survival of the fittest doesn't mean the strongest or the fastest. What is survival of the fittest mean? The best fit with an ever-changing environment like fit like a pair of shoes Adaptability wherever you look in nature made the difference between extinction and Flourishing and not just in nature, but everywhere the dolphin is going to be the metaphor we talk about today the dolphin is a mammal that's fully adapted to live its life underwater and The reason why it can thrive in that environment is because it's adapted Bacteria is actually beating humans right now with our most powerful antibiotics because they keep adapting This is the power of adaptation and we see it in the business world Any of you know these two companies? So how did Netflix start? Anyone remember how Netflix started? they used to mail videos to people's homes and Blockbuster was an industry giant every corner. Okay huge difference here in their level of success Netflix adapted to online streaming and blockbuster was offered that model and refused Blockbuster is fighting extinction might even be extinct Definitely is where I live and Netflix is flourishing. So we see this everywhere everywhere. We look and We don't know what is going to happen in our children's lives. We have no idea What is around the corner for them? Their ability to adapt to whatever comes their way is going to make the difference between success thriving and extinction now the Grant study of human development is a fascinating study. It started in 1938 in Harvard and They picked a group of undergrads and they looked at everything they looked at their height their weight their looks their family background their IQ and they followed them for 70 years George Valent was the head researcher and One of the findings one of the key findings of the happy well group the top 25% quartile and I quote the study author was simply the ability To make lemons into lemonade The ability to adapt to take whatever comes your way and to make it into lemonade So this intuitively made sense to me But then I thought whoa, how are my kids going to adapt to a new teacher? to homework assignment, they don't like to us moving if we divorce if something happens if we have to Go somewhere else if they have to start university at a place or at a time They didn't want to their spouse their work environment. What what am I teaching them? That's going to give them the skill and it was really I Think it was a very thought-provoking question because I realized I wasn't teaching them to adapt in fact over parenting Actually hinders self-motivation curiosity Confidence self-esteem all of these things that we need to actually adapt so we want to get we want to get to the place where children can make lemons a lemonade from lemons and We especially want to do that now Okay, why the 21st century is a rapidly changing Very fast-paced time and ever never before will our kids need to adapt like they need to now Do you guys know who's a key 21st century skills? Can you guys call them out if anyone knows who they are there? So I'll start with C. I didn't hear that Oh, well the yeah, well computers have changed it for sure shifted it Yeah, so the communication creativity Collaboration there they are there. They are so consciousness. I added but let's go through these for a moment the key 21st century skills were Are well known in terms of education in the workplace now they're going to seem very familiar to you now They've seen them They started with a big conference in 2011 actually that looked at 60 different institutions and 250 Researchers came together and they said well, what are the core competencies for this century? Is it really reading writing in math or is something shifting in the world? We live in and they came up with the creativity collaboration communication and critical thinking in fact creativity is been it's called the number one Competency of a leader by Forbes magazine when they did a Review of the world's top C's CEOs. They said the first thing that they're looking for the most was creativity communication the ability to communicate among different mediums not just written but verbal online through emoticons Communication is becoming Absolutely key because it can't be outsourced. It can't be automated Critical thinking the ability to solve a problem So the 19th century we need to we as we grew up we gained status We gained awards we gained promotions if you knew the right answer Well, Google the internet changed all that our kids don't need to know the right answer They need to know how to ask the right question how to apply that knowledge to diverse settings How to filter out the good from the bad data? They need these skills. I call them CQ and Consciousness is the one I added myself because that is Moving out of that stress response of freeze-fighter flight that running on the hamster meal that automatic reaction and moving into a place of Conscious choice intuition so in a very rapidly changing world Intuition is now going to become even more important. I'll give you an example when I went to the grocery store. I had to buy bread So there's seven different kinds of bread. There's wheat free. There's white bread There's gluten-free. There's seven grain ancient grain How was I supposed to make a decision as to which bread I was supposed to buy and I wasn't able to how am I supposed to get the Data and the studies on all these I had to make an intuitive choice at that point So we're we're at a place that's called CQ in terms of this term that I want to use tonight and hope it sticks because it is an integration of our raw intelligence IQ and Our emotional intelligence EQ it the debate isn't one or the other It's an integration of both and let's walk through that. So this is what I wanted to get to my kids This is what leads to adaptability and The good news is is we can all have this This is Something that can be developed in fact IQ is 70% genetics But creativity is 70% Environment and what you do with the brain that you're given and this concept of neuroplasticity Is a wonderful concept. I say it's a fancy word for hope because it means our brains can change always a 95 year old brain can change a really good way to understand neuroplasticity is think of language acquisition So children learn language quickly and faster than adults They have more neuroplasticity But a 95 year old can still learn language Okay, we still have the ability to make those pathways a nice way to understand Neuroplasticity is think of the analogy of a forest and Our brain our neural networks are like a forest in many ways when you go to a forest and you see trails How did those trails develop? They're being used again and again exactly our neural networks are exactly the same When you walk on a trail in a forest you create it when you walk on a trail mentally intellectually you create it and Humans adapt not by growing beaks or wings. How do we adapt? We adapt cognitively intellectually we adapt emotionally We adapt socially so all our adaptation is going on in our brains in our minds and we do it by walking on a trail So we can get our kids to walk on the trail of creativity of curiosity of Collaboration we can move them off the trail of hyper competitiveness if they're saying, you know, I don't want to try that I might fail that I'm not good at that. They've walked on those trails and part of what we can do as Parents and educators is to help them shift shift the trail they're walking on and what we can't force it And so let's talk about how do we raise? 21st century Adaptable children. Okay, so you guys with me now. We're into how do we do this? so part one is balanced parenting and I use the metaphor of the tiger dolphin and jellyfish which Pamela was very Very clever and and very honest and open and discussing earlier. So this is a metaphor. It's not a label and When I am exhausted, I may become the jellyfish parents my kids might be Beating each other up and I just pretend I don't see it and When I feel my kids are falling behind I May feel that they're losing out in the competitive world I may become the tiger and start pushing and hovering and when I'm in balance when I remember what I'm wanting when I Remember my definition of success and how to get there. I'm more likely to be that dolphin parent So let's walk through these a little bit This is really important because we think of the tiger parent as the overbearing Parent berating their child for a piano three hours burning all the stuffed animals not allowing bathroom breaks Okay, of course it's exaggerate, but but that's one type of tiger parent the other type of a Authoritarian parent is the helicopter parent that micromanaging parent the bubble wrap parent the parent that is constantly kind of their Problem-solving stepping in swooping in that is the tiger too because they're both authoritarian There's authoritarian directing and there's authoritarian protecting either way Take over what we call internal control and internal motivation Okay. Now. Why is this so confusing for parents? Why are people so attached to this idea and The part of the reason is we see short-term performance Okay, so tiger short-term We do see performance if you've ever worked in a tiger environment or let's say you worked in a workplace and a tiger boss walks in For a little while people might step up they might get their job done But what happens over the long run what we need to kind of keep going that fuel that curiosity that self-motivation That emergence of talent and cooperation ends up getting impeded okay, because there's either you're being micromanaged or you're being pushed and there is a Psychological law which is called whenever we are pushed we will push back free will is a fundamental Biological need of every human and so what we see over the long run and the data is very clear I Dispelled the myth fully in the dolphin way book Just a couple weeks ago the first study of tiger parenting in China came out because it was looked at in every other country But then the thought was well, maybe in China It's different because maybe it does work there exact same results anxiety in difficulty with problem-solving independent thinking low self-esteem in fact poor academic performance than you would Expect impaired social skills all of this makes sense because if you're constantly being hovered or micromanage or push when are you going to develop these things and Ultimately what we see is kids that are disconnected They lack purpose they are hyper competitive. They are in that freeze fight flight themselves They're running on automatic and they can't adapt. Okay, so that's one end The other end is the permissive jellyfish parents So these parents in like the jellyfish, okay, like the metaphor lack rules and expectations are kind of all over the place And they may be themselves Busy stressed exhausted. They want to be their kids friends. We don't know but we all have this in us We can all bring it out in us and in general lack authority and guidance This is really important because I see so many families that are the jellyfish family because what happens here is Initially these kids look confident. No one's ever said no to them They kind of walk into a room and they you know, they they touch everything they talk to everyone But they lack a sense of impulse control a really important quality that allows us to Adapt to have social skills. They don't understand how to respond to teachers police officers bosses a system that requires some Authority an understanding we see increased risk-taking increased drug and alcohol problems This is really clear the parenting research has been this has been the way for decades and Jellyfish I say actually kill more people in the water than sharks. So don't think this is benign You know, the book is called without turning into a tiger But I think and the jellyfish parenting is is also a huge problem and we flip flop What happens is we flip flop and one thing both jellyfish and tigers have in common is overindulgence and when we think of that term overindulgence it's spoiling your child and We kind of use this term lightly, you know, and we say like oh, I love, you know, I'm on a trip I love I want to spoil my kids and buy them some stuff when I get home Or you know, he's so spoiled But when you think about that term spoiled, what does it mean? When you spoil a movie you ruin it when you spoil milk. It's not just ruined. It's toxic So overindulgence is the list is huge. This is kids who don't know the difference between needs and wants We see problems with like video game constant need for stimulation and entertainment when we flip flop The other danger is that overindulgence the balance Let's see The universe wants me. Okay. Here we go. So the authoritative the balance is that authoritative dolphin parents. So it is a intuitive approach already mentioned focuses on a Bonded a connection guiding. Okay. Guiding is different than directing versus no guidance it is a Approach that relies on role modeling your community adaptable Okay, the dolphin parent is adaptable because your kids are going to change They're not going to be the same at two or five or ten if you have multiple kids I have three kids. They're all very different. It's a firm yet flexible approach. My older son needs less firmness He's cautious. He's a bit anxious already So I loosen the reins on him. My daughter is like a firecracker. She'll like jump off a cliff I have to tighten the reins on her It's an adaptable approach and it's constantly changing and in the end we have to use our intuition for that high expectations, okay that idea of success far beyond Getting into a university far beyond a particular career balancing rules and protection with autonomy and choice So that's the balanced approach the data is very clear that Dolphin kids that the authoritative balanced approach we see kids who Develop impulse control because they're not they don't have jellyfish parents who have no rules and and protection Or expectations, but they learn how to make decisions independent thinking because they're not being tiger They're not or don't have authoritarian parents. They just they are able to enhance their creativity their problem-solving They have higher self-confidence. We see better academic performance. We see better mental health We see better self-motivation. It isn't that what we really want is kids who are self-motivated They're going to leave our basements. They're not going to be there Eating pizza and video games when they're 30 And that's true actually gen me studies show that when they when they did a survey on Generation me kids under the age of born 1980 after when they asked them when's a reasonable time to leave your parents home It was 30 So it and I think I'm worried our kids is going to be 40 Okay, so here's a really good way to experience what a dolphin relationship might be like I hear the superintendent of the district is here. I Can't see Okay, so this one's for the teachers It's so nice to have you here. I want you all to think of your favorite teacher Okay, whether it was elementary junior high high school Think of that teacher and think of the qualities that that teacher had and just shout them out Encouraging enthusiastic funny supportive Caring of course caring is really important. That's how cults work by the way If you everything caring is not important because that's how a cult leader gets Everyone to follow them is because they care about the person. It's highly motivating to be cared for What else? They believe in you sure Boundaries, okay, my audience plant over there You're absolutely right boundaries are important. How did you? Feel in this favorite teacher's classroom What say again? Secure. Yes, ready to take a risk ready to learn How else? Informed important, yes Engaged Anyone would say inspired Yes, we have all the ins here. Okay inspired motivated Now your favorite teacher I can guarantee you was a dolphin personality You might have had Many jellyfish teachers who are very nice people Very kind very well being very well intentioned Maybe you had a blast in those classes. Why wasn't the jellyfish teacher your favorite teacher? Lost control of the classroom and why is that important? You didn't grow right absolutely We humans are feet face forward. We are self-motivated. We want to grow we want to learn We have it built in in us the jellyfish teacher might have been fun, but it wasn't your favorite teacher Why wasn't the tiger teacher the strict micromanaging teacher your favorite teacher? No fun. There's no fun. There's no creativity. There's no growth You might have gotten even a good grade, but where's the growth? Where's the learning? Where is this forward progress? So that's the power of this relation. How many of you had a hard time remembering your favorite teacher? It's incredible just like that Within seconds, maybe you haven't thought of this person in a decade or two You can remember his or her name her face what it felt like That's the power of this relationship and we can be the favorite teacher with our children The metaphor of the dolphin they're always going together forward. It's a shoulder-to-shoulder approach So I'm hoping to use the visuals the metaphor to really bring this point home is our feet face forward We're meant to move forward. We want to move forward and a firm yet flexible Their body is firm yet flexible warmth with control love with limits So your favorite teacher, I'm pretty sure was a dolphin if they weren't let me know Okay, Jody has my email you can email me. I'd love to talk about it Okay, so let's get to some specifics. How do we develop this approach? simple not easy Simple statements and behaviors that foster internal control. Okay, we can never say this enough with our kids I'll give you an example when my Five-year-old let's say a couple years ago. He didn't want to go to kindergarten. He's completely having a meltdown My statement of internal control my being firm yet flexible dolphin was Thank you, you know Jever. I am your mommy and you do have to go to kindergarten. That's not an option So there's my firmness so I can pick you up and I can take you there However, here comes the internal control. I can't do that forever and when you're there I can't make you learn. I can't make you like it. I can't make you pay attention That's all up to you There's the internal control firm yet flexible simple not easy We balance that with Statements of encouragement and support If there's a problem, let me know. Okay, we can find a way. I'm here for you I'm a resource if I'm not around maybe we can talk to your teachers So it's this balanced approach that you can do it. It's in your hands, but I'm with you I'm shoulder-to-shoulder with you We want to let our children try first before we step in and provide feedback Okay, that is the signal of internal control. You try it. So with homework, you know My oldest son wanted me to help him right away, and I had to be like a politician I always said the same line every time you have to try it first before I help you You have to try it first, you know, he tried all kinds of antics You have to stick like, you know, the politicians on TV that you can learn from them Finally after two weeks, he knew I was gonna say the same thing And then when his little brother came and asked for homework He actually scripted my whole line. You have to try it first before I help you So it's a signal and it and it's saying try it first, but I'm with you Okay, internal control with commitment and support Are you familiar with the work of Carol Dewick at Stanford here? she's done some really interesting work on the mindset and the fixed versus growth mindset and Excessive or empty praise when we actually tell a child that they're so smart they become fixed in the mindset that they're smart and So that means when they have a problem they can't solve They may not take the risk and try because it will shatter their paradigm Versus if we tell a child that they put a lot of effort in that they try hard that you're encouraging the Process no matter what comes their way. They're going to be more likely to continue. It's really fascinating Research we want to avoid excessive praise. We want to praise process not product So not the number of goals that were scored in the soccer game But how the game was played even if there was no goals Even if there was no fancy place, but the effort that's put in that creates adaptability This is a really important slide it might be something you can also use in if in your work environments Because it's the stages of motivation and we all go through these stages. I'm going to explain these based on this audience today So the first stage is pre-contemplation. You may have came here. You may have come here today In pre-contemplation being like, you know, I'm really not interested in dolphin way any changes. I'm pretty happy You know being a tiger being a jellyfish or whatever it is not even on your radar You just came to meet some friends. Let's say Contemplation would be well. Hmm. I wonder if I should make some changes. Let's go see. Let's hear a little bit about it Maybe things aren't going right at home. Maybe kids are anxious. Maybe things are a little bit more tense than you'd like Determination preparation. I need to make a change. This is the people I see in my office They've waited to see me. They're ready to take action. They're taking steps And then you take action and then we can maintain it So these are the stages of change we all go through for anything for eating fruits and vegetables losing weight Whatever it might be Remember knowing does not mean doing right? We all know to eat fruits and vegetables and not text and drive But we do it anyway because we're often in these different stages Now we expect our kids to be in action all the time all the time For homework sports, whatever it is and they're just not going to be in action all the time They're going to be fluctuating and when we can understand that Motivation is not something someone has or does not have it is a fluctuating dynamic state Then we can help guide them towards action a way to do that. Let's say it's for a difficult problem is Move them through these different steps and this is kind of this is how the dolphin way is designed This is how this talk actually is designed. I started with the dilemma. How did we get here? What is the problem? The problem is over parenting the problem is what's happening with our kids a problem is the stress What is the solution? Well the dolphin and what it gives us and what it means and I'll walk you through the method and leave with Transformation we can use this model to move anybody if you're bringing a new policy into your workplace Some people are going to be in action. They're ready to change their computer systems. Others are in pre-contemplation The idea of change is not on their radar so this is really helpful to understand that motivation is fluctuating and dynamic and the way to move people is in fact through listening not speaking and Those pathways I talked about that neural plasticity. We walk on a path that we say not over here so for example if a teacher is given a 20-minute Lecture or in my office when I spent 20 minutes telling a young teenager that marijuana smoking marijuana every day is not so Good for him. I've spent I've done a really good job convincing myself that smoking marijuana every day is not good for him So we want to how we get out of this is we want to ask curious open-ended questions So curiosity is a underrated human tool of motivation when we come from a place of curiosity First of all, we're moving out of freeze-fighter flights You can't be curious and stressed at the same time When you're curious you are non-judgmental and you will be open to ask Well, I'm really curious as to why you smoke pot every day. What are you getting from it? What are what are you? What is it? How is it serving you? What are the benefits? What are the drawbacks and now you'll get information that you need to move them along now? You'll get the dilemma right and you'll move them along through the stage of change The importance confidence ruler. This is a really helpful one if you're working with Somebody again, you can apply these to not just kids, but in your work life Let's say you're working with a young with a child who's maybe Slocking off and you're high at the end of high school, you know, they're smart thing You know, they're capable. You don't understand. They're losing motivation. I see this a lot well if we Separate and we asked two questions in a curious open-ended dolphin way and we say You know, I'm curious on a scale of one to ten How important is it for you? Let's call her Sarah How important is it for you to Sarah to finish high school and to go to university? You've been kind of working at your whole life and now you're kind of in grade 11 You're slacking off But if you could wish upon a star on a scale of one to ten Where and you could have a high school diploma with your name on it How important would that be? What's Sarah gonna say? She's gonna take it. She's like, yeah, okay, it's ten. I know I can't work anywhere without it It's important But if you ask that same question and say on that same scale of one to ten How confident are you that you could finish high school? She might say a lower number. There might be something going on there She might be finding it too tough too much pressure too much work hard to keep up whatever it is You're gonna see a difference between importance and confidence. You can use this ask a smoker How important is it for you to quit smoking? They're gonna say it's high How confident are you it's low as someone is dealing with heart disease or? Obesity how important is it for you to lose weight or how like we know? So we spend a lot of time on importance But really often the issue is confidence and whatever number they say let's say little Sarah says it's well You know my confidence is a four, you know, I have this really mean teacher and all these The SATs are stressing me out and I just can't keep up with all my gymnastics So she says a four and then you say well, why did you say a four and not a zero you go back and Sarah's gonna say well, I know school is important. I used to be I used to have better grades I used to be able to do it. I didn't have this problem as concentration before and she's gonna start walking on the path of motivation Okay, so this is very helpful tool. These are all in the book. Some of them are on my website I'm gonna leave you with one last one Before we get to part two and it's called the keys and the dolphin keys is an acronym and The case kill the tiger. Okay, so you can't start roaring or anxious or stressed Use empathy. So that's the second powerful human tool of motivation when we come from an empathic place You can almost get anything done. That's also how cults work by the way I Identify your child's golds and then a statement of success. Okay. This is Almost magic. It's not quite magic. It won't work the first time But if you consistently apply it, it will work and we give you some examples Let's say it's a younger child They're late in the morning. Anyone have kids were late in the morning. Yes, okay. I Know it's hard to get going in the morning Empathy that's all it is. You're side-by-side shoulder-to-shoulder. You see it's difficult Identify their goal your goal was to not be late again You don't want to go to the principal's office You don't want you teach you get my whatever it might be and come on I know you can move a little bit faster. Okay, it's not going to happen like that But we can use this approach to help from becoming the jellyfish, which is like I can't take this The tiger micromanaging literally putting their shoes on for them And the kid is eight or nine and they don't know how to tie their shoelaces Are any teachers here because like teachers have told me that they're seeing more older and older kids who don't know how to Zip up their backpacks or tie their shoelaces or do these basic things Okay, your kid doesn't want to do homework Kill the tiger empathy. I used to hate doing homework too. That's a great one Who liked doing homework as a child? We can all use this one We can all use anything from our own childhood really powerful move us into a place that shoulder-to-shoulder place however, if you don't want to miss out on free time or recess or whatever it is find a goal for them and Good thing you pick up things once you put your mind to it Go through two other quick ones My clicker is resist going to soccer practice Empathy here would be all you look so tired today So that's true. There might be tired or kids might be tired give an empathic statement and But remind them of their goal, but You only way to prepare for that game And I know you feel great when you get on the field. So these are simple not easy effective Doesn't want to practice piano You could burn all the stuffed animals and yell at them or you could try this You're getting super frustrated and tired, but if you don't get this song, right? You won't make it and I know you can try one more time Okay, simple not easy. They'll work in professional situations too Okay, so the second part you guys have been great, but we're gonna go through this part a little bit faster Is a balanced lifestyle and this is really equally important This is the second part of the dolphin way. I'm gonna give you some cool neuroscience walk you through How our brains work with that intuition system I mentioned So when we humans do something important for our Adaptation remember adaptability is the key to success to get us to where we want Like sleep because we can't even think let alone problem solve and adapt when we're sleep deprived the motivation centers in our brain light up they get stimulated and We are rewarded with a feeling of well-being Okay Anybody not feel good when they're asleep when they've had some good sleep Everybody's brain will work like this you go from Iceland you go to Africa Okay, we are naturally driven pushed Rewarded motivated to do certain activities that Keep us healthy that keep us happy that give us the ability to adapt because nature wants us to adapt Our biology wants us to survive when we're sleep deprived What do we feel we all feel irritable? We feel sad. We feel tired. We feel go long Those are signals reminding us to go get our reward remember how good it felt to sleep go get that that's important So that's our nature our biology our intuition directly speaking to us And if we can keep this in mind we can remember what naturally motivates us and I think a way to Remember this that this is where I use the metaphor of the dolphin again because I Say we humans are in trouble because we've forgotten what it means to be humans My patients tell me they're too busy to sleep and I say well The dolphin is lives in the ocean. It's a mammal It can be eaten by shark and it has to hunt for its food But it manages to alternate its brain hemisphere and sleep with one eye open. This is not a Option, this is our biology and sometimes we have to look outside ourselves to see ourselves And when they tell me they're too busy to sleep then I tell them well Then you're too busy to be healthy and you're too busy to be brilliant You're too busy to adapt. You're too busy to thrive and be successful So I want to leave you with this this this word called pods And it's the three things that are really missing in our lives our kids lives And you can remember them this way What do you think the P stands for? Play there you go do our children Look like they are lit up with joy when they're playing our Kids are heavily rewarded to play They are lit up with dopamine their motivation pathways are going crazy and We are too as adults when we read a good book when we go and Try something new that we enjoy when we pick up our hobby or painting or golf whatever it is So play is heavily rewarded by nature heavily rewarded by our own biology and why Why is it so important? Why do dolphins play every day? It releases tension. Yeah, it regulates our emotion In fact people wait a long time to see me and a lot of the therapists I work with play with the kids play therapy is used for all kinds of things Why else is play important? Learning and it's a specific type of learning Play is how we learn through trial and error It is the only place that we are not evaluated. So we will take risks. We will learn from mistakes We will become comfortable with uncertainty So play is really powerful and that's why we are meant to do it That's why our children are driven driven to do it They're motivated. They're pushed to do it by their own biology Now I have to say play. I have to clarify what I mean by play. So I'm using Lego here How many of you have read the intro of dolphin way yet? Maybe okay, so Play I mean unstructured play like Lego of my childhood or your childhood So I was the fifth child right and my Lego was all chewed up and broken but It was limitless in Imagination it was never wrong. I could make whatever I wanted. It was creative It was brain-boosting that's play and the Lego of today is like the play of today Today's childhood It's a microcosm It is complicated It is expensive Really expensive Why is it so expensive? Because we're marketed towards it, right? It's a new set every season and it really is a microcosm when we look at how Lego Is changed. It's really how childhood has changed. It's full of directions. It's full of instructions There's a right answer. What kind of play is that? It's fragile. It can break It makes kids rigid anxious Perfectionistic so this is the childhood our kids are in and this is the games that they're playing now I'm nothing against Lego the old Lego but it really speaks to how things have shifted and how important free play is and When we think about it kids have lost 30 50 percent of free time in the last 30 years And free and structured play is what stimulates that prefrontal cortex that frontal part of our brain that area Responsible for strategy for abstract thinking So play is how we adapt. Okay, we adapt through play and when our kids don't play They don't know how to adapt. They don't have all those skills that we talked about Okay, the oh The oh stands for others. Okay Does anyone feel good when you're bonding socially when you're connecting with people? How do we feel when we contribute when we give when we when we give something advice help? We all feel good. Okay. Go from Iceland to Africa. Our human brain is rewarded for social connection and social contribution. This is a fact and Social bonding is not socializing superficially and it's definitely not social status. It's meaningful social connection and It is highly motivating Okay, so those motivation centers get lit up every human when we are Working with others and when we're not when we're disconnected when we're hyper competitive When siblings don't know each other in the same family because they're being shuffled off to activities And there's no family dinner anymore and dinners in the car kids become disconnected socially and it's as much of a risk factor is smoking and I tell my the patients I work as I say if you don't believe me that social Connection meaningful social connection is so important think of the biggest The most effective form of human torture something that leads to self mutilation You guys know what it is. It's well documented Solitary confinement. Okay, that's all we have to do to torture ourselves So our kids are experienced a sense of disconnection They don't they need a sense of purpose beyond themselves. It's not about number one number one's important sometimes But think of your own life and think of a time where you were ready to give up You didn't have motivation having a connection to something beyond yourself a Pat a job a purpose is probably what kept you going. So we are naturally rewarded to connect and contribute but These messages were forgetting these natural rewards. I say we're over-gathering Over-competing and we're forgetting the other things that are very naturally rewarding to us and that's the O and The D. It's simply downtime. Okay, so downtime. I've talked a lot about sleep. I can go on and on about sleep But this slide is really helpful to just remember Our brains Function in a state of balance. Okay, so we definitely need some stimulation or stress too much And we unravel so I had a young girl who was came to me for an ADHD assessment And I asked why are you? What what's the concern and her mom told me that? Every time she studies she looks out the window and her teacher noticed that every time she's in class she's looking out the window at the clouds or the trees and I took her history and She was pretty much busy all day and she actually never had any time to just look out the window contemplate life contemplate nature observe see what was happening around her integrate what was occurring and She couldn't sleep at night So the answer was they kept her parents kept her busy all day so that she would be so exhausted she'd fall asleep Now that's the exact opposite of what we want to do We actually want to give our kids time to unwind in ourselves during the day so we can integrate what we've seen and felt and Heard so downtime and this is you know This is California like the top many of the companies here started Like Google and Intel and Twitter and such are bringing in Meditation rooms and nap pods and Huffington post has all this sleep stuff because we actually perform better We know we perform better the human brain peaks When we have that downtime So the daily dose of pod is a great prescription. I write it on a prescription pad now With all my patients. I want to give it to you. I want you to give it to all your friends and everybody you know and Because it is highly motivating but these are things that are lacking in our lives in our kids lives and they lead to adaptability and In the end we want to I just want to leave you with kind of a summary, which is what we've walked through is This idea of balanced parenting not the jellyfish not the tiger this balanced dolphin approach collaborative firm yet flexible Plus this balanced lifestyle Play connection downtime simple stuff the way many of us grew up But not easy is actually going to get us much quicker to the 21st century skills It's actually a great time to be a parent because these are the skills that are required and Do any of you know what? What's being dubbed the 21st century now and we look at the history of humans like we went from the agricultural era to then manufacturing So agriculture we grew food as our economy is manufacturing we made things Then we moved into information and service era. So anyone know what the Current era is going to be or is being called Such as the seed to Okay, it's the It's being called the conceptual era. Okay, so the era of concepts the era of ideas Anything that can be automated will be anything that can be outsourced will be what's left? human skills human creativity Collaboration communication. So it's a really good time to be a parent because the 19th century was very left-brain dominant We really needed this left-brain logic analysis technical skill because that was the jobs at the time And that's how we moved out Technology globalization has changed so much where we need these right-brain skills this EQ This intuitive emotional social brain big picture meaning but really it's that integration It's the integration. So it doesn't make sense to work. Which is half our brain The 21st century is the conceptual era. So more than ever This dolphin this balanced approach whatever you want to call it intuitive approach balanced parenting Is really the time is right more now more than ever. So all of those things that Scared us all of those things that scared us. Hold on. They're so scary. They're not coming technology, right? Globalization anything that could be automated will be anything that we outsource will be the actual things that scared us that flew Us into freeze-fight and flight or the things that are actually can help us because it's why we're in the conceptual era Work-life balance is going to be more important for our kids than ever before that stress 21st century being the stress of the epidemic so and The university admissions the jobs that we talked about are shifting and any of you who work in the workplace have heard soft skills Are looking you you will you can look at an Interview committees what they're looking for a team player people rarely get fired for technical Difficulties as much as they're getting fired for not being able to collaborate to communicate to have that critical thinking so here we are and You know, this is I actually say a time to be optimistic a Timer it's we can kind of go back and really review How it is that we got here and where we need to be and I say simple is not easy I'm hoping that I was able to move you from knowing to doing To help spark some of your intuition help move you out of freeze-fight or flight Some of these tools may help in your personal life and your professional life But really I hope we answered some of these questions and I can't wait for the Q&A But what skills lead to 21st century success adaptability? CQ we know these how do we call that how do we cultivate these through that balanced relationship and a balanced lifestyle So Albert Einstein said look deep into nature. I say this is not my invention. It's not my theory. I'm just giving you the science the nature that what we know and That's my website by the way. I do have like videos and Some of these tools there so you don't have to buy the book, but I'm am signing the book outside Thank you very much You're scaring me a little bit because the little guy asked for ask Santa for Legos And I went to look for just like a box of blocks and you can find it all they have a sets even for the little ones Yeah, yeah, and they're gone and actually I did hear from Lego Lego yeah, Peter Gray who is the Lego spoke spokesperson asked and we sent Lego so they're reviewing the book right now We'll see what they say. Okay Maybe I'll have to borrow your fifth child chewed up Legos For the little guy if you have questions written down on index cards for Q&A with Dr. Kang, please raise your hand so that Diana Emily or Sue can come by to pick it up As you are handing them in it is time right now for a very quick message from chair of Davis parent University Christy freeze an outreach coordinator Jody Lieberman You get that side Christy Such a problem Hello, thank you for being here. I'm Christy freeze and this is Jody Lieberman Good evening everyone wonderful to see you all What a great talk by dr. Shimmy Kang. I really enjoyed it And I'm gonna go home and break all of my son's huge Lego structures and make him rebuild them into something More unique that was a good point good point. Yeah, it was great very very powerful information dr. Kang it is not easy to be a parent and Lot of tips here to learn how to to help us navigate through this exciting time Let's see who's here tonight. I'm curious. How many of you with a show of hands have been to a Davis parent University Lecture before our repeat customers awesome, and How many of you are first-timers at one of our events? Oh Pretty split very good. We'll tell your friends and family and colleagues to come and join us It's a free event, and we would love to have as many parents and Davis come as as possible Yeah, it is it's great to see all of you as as Pam mentioned. It's our sixth year providing the lecture series We have two lectures one in the spring or one in the fall and one in the spring And as a matter of fact we we sold out. How did that work for tonight, Christie? Yeah, we we actually had 530 tickets reserved by early November So as you can see is which is predictable We have seats available and we were able to take everyone that came off of a wait list in tonight So it does help us for you to go ahead and reserve your tickets In advance so the question is how did DPU get dr. Kang to visit us from British Columbia Tonight and how does DPU continue to get these top-notch speakers here to Davis? Well, as you've heard us say before it takes all of your interest the hard work of our amazing parent ed representatives and Funding it takes raising funds Funding for the speakers and they as of as we've all said before they don't work for free and we wouldn't want them to You know Talking about funding our next DPU event is Wednesday April 29th and That's not it Her name is Jennifer senior and she's a New York Times best-selling author of all joy and no fun the modern paradox of parenting and if you haven't read the book it is fantastic and it's a little bit different take it focuses more on the parent instead of the child and If you have time to watch her TED talk on YouTube I laughed I cried it's fantastic So that's just a little preview of what's coming up in April So look for that you won't be you won't be sad if you come no and just like with NPR public radio We need to ask you for some help before you leave us The way we've been able to raise funds thus far is support from the PTAs the PTOs and our community sponsors So thank you, but over half of the DPU Funding comes directly from all of you who are here tonight you who find value in the parent University so if you would and could take your envelope out that you were given when you first walked in this evening and Donate anything that you can usually ten dollars is what we find is The typical amount We do accept cash and checks if you're writing a check the check can be made out to YF RC Which is Yolo family resource center? So just put YF RC and in the memo just put DPU and Then you can pass your envelope to the What's that called the inner the inner aisles and our wonderful beautiful fabulous parent Ed reps will pick those up with their Colorful baskets right now Thank you Okay, we'll wrap this up. Thank you so much for your donations Thank you for being here and we have a Q&A session with shimmy and Pamela Wu and We will take let them take over. Thank you. Thank you. Please. Welcome back to the stage. Dr. Shimmy Kang Thank you for coming from British Columbia. Thank you. I found your comments So insightful and so did our audience as a number of them have submitted questions Here's one of them you talk a lot about motivation and raising kids who are intrinsically motivated What exactly motivates us and how can this knowledge help us to raise motivated kids? Yeah, so it's I mean motivation complex issue and like I said, it's not something one has or doesn't have We want to move away from that. That's a motivated kid. That's not a motivated kid we all have it and When you if you think of that slide of the human brain There are certain a really great way to understand motivation is think about anything that makes you naturally feel good Give you a sense of well-being or joy naturally. Okay, so drugs alcohol cocaine are part of that and shopping is say well, but But people get confused and say well shopping feels good and being number one feels good and it's true We are rewarded to gather or shop We are rewarded to compete to be number one but what's happening is we're over gathering okay, we're over competing and We're neglecting those other powerful motivators that I talked about like pod and our brain doesn't work that way We can't just sleep more and that and we feel better. There's a limit, right? So we can't once we eat enough eating more isn't going to serve us So over gathering gathering more and more stuff or over competing at a certain limit It's not so we have to really be mindful of really the balance and when our kids have enough of all of it They're going to be naturally motivated. So that's why the word pod bringing play connection Nantime no kid is motivated when they're sleep deprived. So we know that and play is a direct road to passion Others is a direct road to purpose and these are really ultimate when you look at the research on motivation This is what motivates us passion and purpose with some health basic health in your book you talk about three different types of parents authoritarian Permissive and authoritative and this question from one of our audience members is how do I self-identify? When I'm being one of those three. Oh good question. So yeah, so we all have it in us again not a label but a metaphor I think you know self-identify really is Connecting to yourself. So if you if you remember that slide with the stress freeze fight or flight And you're moving in automatic on that hamster wheel You're not an awareness of choice when we take some time out and we get ourselves into that place of calm I think you'll know if you're being if you're pushing too hard if you're pushing too far And if you don't know we're meant to raise kids in a community or a village or a pod So ask a trusted Co-parent or somebody else in your pod That's really important. I talk a lot about again very simple. There's 60 prescriptions in the dolphin way None of them are medication. They're all communication tools and lifestyle tools, but the very first prescription is Deep controlled breathing and I remember the editors in New York They're like, are you really sure that this is the first thing you want to tell parents? I say yes because we're not breathing and simply Kind of stopping and taking deep breaths very simple science Really expands those receptors in our lungs that sends a signal to our brain that we're okay If we can teach our children deep controlled breathing We can help them before an exam before a game before a speech So that's a very simple not easy tool that can take us out and into an awareness of choice So that's what I would recommend and I think that they would know the answer Breathing is something that I've really been reading a lot about lightly and probably probably a lot of you have to that breathing is really sort of an Underrated or overlooked tool, right? Yeah, it's the basics and you know the dolphin is a metaphor I say we've gone so far off what it means to be human that we You know, we can look outside ourselves to see ourselves like breathing food I mean when we look at how off-balance we've become You know people tell me all the time. They're too busy to sleep. They're too busy to eat healthy And literally they're too busy to breathe and so I think that explains a lot of the problems we're seeing Another audience question is this how would you suggest that I encourage free creative play in my young child when they only want to play with me? During downtime interesting. Okay. So Again play is Something that's always been With humans it's an all the animal kingdom polar bears play every day animals play Really interesting research on play. I'm just gonna throw that out there When kittens are not allowed to play little baby kittens. They actually Bites and scratch too much as adults. So we actually believe that a lot of the social cues the push and pull of a social conversation is Developed at the beginning the rough and tumble Jocelyn play So I think that just to trust that first of all your if your child doesn't know how to play I don't think that I think we have to just trust the fact that if they're human it's in there now You may want to get rid of any distractions because screens and TV and iPads can really interfere with that and Perhaps play with your child. They're telling you something. Maybe they have a need to connect or bond But after a certain point Kind of encourage them to find different things now There's seven different play personalities. So not all kids play the same way some are collectors Like if you remember collecting coins or dolls others are directors. They're the ones who want to kind of be the teacher others Play through imagination or storytelling. So it's it's in your child And perhaps they need some time alone and their imagination will spark when parents tell me my kids as their board So that in many ways, it's a great thing because boredom is what sparks our imagination and But I also hear though kids who have been busy from a very young age are craving Stimulation that doesn't mean when the parents say well my kid wants all these activities When you start life in a box you crave a box. So that doesn't mean it's all necessarily all good So balance it out and I say nature will take over I think that's really a good point because I think it's so easy to say Why don't you just please go play by yourself? But if children have different styles of play then you really sort of need to identify that because perhaps the tools or toys That you're providing to your child aren't really Compatible with the way they play sure. Yeah, and be curious, right? It's it's really how we see our passions, you know Well, you know, and you asked all their parents you can as a child You can see what you're naturally drawn towards and it's a really insight into into our kids passions and interests This audience member asks how would a dolphin parent guide not direct their child? With technology rules for TV phones Instagram, especially for teens. This is probably something you see a lot in your practice Yes, I think this is probably one of the number one issues right now is technology because it's everywhere And it's not going anywhere and actually kids are needing it for schools and education homework So when you think of the metaphor, I think we No child has access to technology without a parent, right? So we give our kids access to technology and so we don't want to be the jellyfish and say, you know, it's everywhere I can I can't control it And but we also, you know, we don't want to be the tiger because then we'll get pushed back So I think I would use the approach to technology no different than how you manage diet Okay, there's a lot of junk food out there And there's a lot of junk technology out there Have those conversations with your child about healthy use of technology just how you would use the framework of diet We don't let our kids just be jellyfish eat whatever they want and we don't want to micromanage that either We want them to make healthy choices. So that paradigm might help you firm yet flexible This one is tough because every household has different rules, but you can set your rules Because that's setting your values and one thing I say to my kid is that balance is important So it's you know, I know you love technology. You can use the keys kill the tiger. I can see you love your games I can see you light up with joy. I can see how much it's fun for you. I want that for you However, your goals, you know, it's also important to get your homework done Make sure you have time with your friends Make sure that you're sleeping enough and this I know that we can kind of get to that balanced place the statement of success And then you have to stick to it because they will pull all kinds of antics But once they know that you're not gonna give in And my kids did it they do it a really, you know My boss is over for dinner is when they start Asking for it because they think I'm gonna give in and they're very smart that way And they'll try that but you know and talk to them and explain it and it is a constant battle It's no different than died for us right now. Oh by doing the keys thing too You're really sort of tapping into their own intrinsic motivation because this is about your goals. Sure. Yeah And reminding them is like, you know when you're in a really tough place You can say look, I might be able to control this now Mm-hmm, but I'm not gonna be able to do this forever and in the end of the day You're gonna have to make these healthy choices But my my my job my role here is to help guide you towards those This audience question says how do you prevent over parenting a child with ADHD? Who is not intrinsically motivated but wants to go to college? And I think that this is really applicable to you know families whose maybe children don't have ADHD as well It's hard to not want to over parent and step in and help and push Right, especially if your child says I do want to go to college and I do want to succeed, right? So what do you do so great question? I see a lot of kids with ADHD learning disorder dyslexia and just kids who don't have that but it's getting so tough So I would again I'd go back to the keys. I'd go back to empathy and we don't want to battle our children Battle a system that might be very difficult for our children who have different styles of learning We got to remember the current school system came out of the 19th century Prussian model It was designed to create obedience and discipline by the king of Prussia and then it spread across Europe During the industrial revolution as a factory-based way manufacturer way of school and it hasn't pretty much changed in 200 years We're seeing the shift the 21st century skills in the school place So the way I would do that is I would align with the child and I would say I'm with you on this You're right. Some of these classes don't make sense some some of the this structure is really hard for you be with them and recognize that That have that empathy and say however, this is a system. We're in these are hoops I can help you get through them. What do you need? But don't put the value on it unless it's true for your child Help them jump through the hoops because what's great is the 21st century. It's great for the ADHD brain It's great for these kids that are we call them cognitively flexible not necessarily linear thinkers So they're going to do fine once they get through the hoops Many times like freelancing is like the biggest thing that So the kids with ADHD or have more of a future than ever before The importance and confidence is really helpful Because if you ask if you can if you can divide that and say to the ADHD kid How important is it for you to go to university when you're calm and curious? They're going to give you the answer The confidence is going to be lower And so you don't have to sit there and lecture them on how important university is they know that so all of those tools can help This is the last question You and I are both Immigrants kids. Can you talk a bit about the cultural aspects to parent aid? Oh? So I've been interviewed from everywhere from Tel Aviv South Korea China all over the world This has been really interesting experience for me And the data shows and my clinical experience the city I work in less than 50% of the population speaks English as a first language the very multicultural City and the tiger jellyfish dolphin style is in all cultures. There's no doubt about that And We do tend to see some trending was interesting the tiger parent when they looked at Asian-American children who are excelling most of them in fact a Big majority of them had authoritative that balanced parenting as opposed to that really extreme Tiger parenting the issue of immigrant kids. I think is interesting as an immigrant. I think there's a myth that Those immigrant kids who might be excelling that achievement gap that's discussed is coming from pushy parents. Well, I can certainly say a Lot of immigrant parents don't have the time money resources to over parent They're busy setting down their roots. They have All these are the responsibilities. So I think that that's a really important factor there that part isn't occurring They're also often strong communities One example I give is my dad taught me math when he used to drive taxi and we still he used to I used to count the change But it was also an opportunity where I think there's concepts that are very motivating the concept of gratitude I think is very powerful in many immigrant homes that gratitude for what you have optimism for the future These when we look at like countries like Nigeria versus the UK Optimism and gratitude is at the lowest and so is childhood Unhappiness Nigeria comes really high. So I think there's a lot going on in immigrant families as far beyond Some of the stereotypes out there We want to thank Dr. Kang and all of you for joining us tonight We invite you to join us right now for a book signing in the front foyer with Dr. Kang and avid reader We also look forward to seeing you on April 29th for the next Davis parent University lecture with Jennifer senior the New York Times best-selling author of all joy and no fun the paradox of modern parenthood Until next time enjoy the holidays with your families. Thank you. Thank you